What Do Mature Women Want in a Relationship?

I want to focus on the relationship needs of mature women because I believe women's needs change over the course of their lifetime.

What Do Mature Women Want in a Relationship?

I also want to emphasize from the start that mature women (and women in general) are not a monolithic group who all want the same things, so I don't presume to speak for all women.

What I'm writing about is based on what women have told me over the past 25 years in my psychotherapy private practice in New York City.

What Does It Mean to Be Mature?

Different people might have varying definitions of what defines maturity.

From my perspective, being mature is not the same as being older. There are people who are older and who aren't mature.

Being mature, regardless of gender, age, sexual orientation or other identifying factors, includes (but is not limited to) the following characteristics:

• Honesty and Integrity Honesty and integrity is the basis for trust, which is essential for all relationships. This is why it's valued in relationships.

• Self Awareness: Being mature includes being emotionally and psychologically self aware, learning from past experiences and having a desire not to repeat old negative patterns.

• Respect: A mature individual respects others' perspectives even when they don't agree.

• Adaptability: Being able to adapt and change is part of being a mature person.

• Consideration and Discernment: Mature individuals are able to think and make decisions based on careful consideration using discernment skills.

• Balanced Personality: A mature person has developed a balanced personality. They can use their life experiences to learn and grow.

• Responsibility For Their Actions: Rather than making excuses for their behavior, mature individuals take responsibility for their actions and make amends, if needed and appropriate.

• Differentiate Self From Others: As people mature, they learn to differentiate themselves as individuals from their family, partners or friends. They have developed their own likes, dislikes, goals and dreams which may or may not be the same as their loved ones, but they feel confident in being an individual--even when it means being different from others.

• Emotionally Self Regulation: Although everyone has their moments of upset and overwhelm, a mature person can usually regulate their emotions and they are on an even keel most of the time. They have developed coping skills that allows them to regulate their emotions (see my article: Developing Skills to Manage Your Emotions).

• Empathetic: Although a mature person might not agree with someone else, they're able to feel empathy for others rather than being self centered.

• Emotional Vulnerability: A mature person is able to be emotionally vulnerable with loved ones because they understand that emotional vulnerability leads to greater emotional intimacy (see my article:  Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Greater Emotional and Sexual Intimacy in a Relationship).

• Openness to Sharing Feelings: Along with an ability to be emotionally vulnerable, a mature person has the ability to be emotionally open to share feelings.

• An Ability to Develop and Form Relationships: A mature individual has the ability to develop relationships among family members, romantic connections, friendships and work relationships. A mature person can also use their discernment skills to assess when certain relationships, including family relationships and friendships, might not be healthy for them.

• Healthy Boundaries With Others: A mature person feels secure enough to develop healthy boundaries with others (see my article:  Setting Healthy Boundaries in a Relationship).

I'm sure you might be able to think of other characteristics of a mature person, but I think the ones listed above are among the most important ones.

What Do Mature Women Want in a Partner?

Mature women who want to be in a monogamous relationship usually want a partner who is also mature and who has the characteristics listed above.

What Do Mature Women Want in a Partner?

Many confident mature women who want a monogamous relationship can be more discerning when it comes to choosing a partner because they've been in other relationships and they know from experience what that they want and what they don't want. 

They also usually aware that time is precious and they don't want to waste their time with someone who doesn't have the characteristics they're looking for in a partner.

In addition, they also value: 

• An Evolved Personality: Most women want someone whose personality has evolved with their life experiences and who knows what they want or who, at least, is actively exploring this.

• Attentiveness: They want someone who is curious about their life, their interests and things that are important to them.

What Do Mature Women Want in a Partner?

• Emotional Attunement: They want someone who is emotionally attuned to them and who is an active listener.

• Emotional Validation: Even if their partner doesn't agree with them about an issue, mature women want someone who can validate their feelings. In other words, their partner might not have the same perspective, but they have the ability to be empathetic towards their feelings (see my article: How to Develop Use Emotional Validation Skills in Your Relationship).

• Interdependence: Many mature women also want a partner who has the ability to be interdependent as opposed to being codependent (see my article: What is the Difference Between Codependency and Interdependency?).

• Autonomy and Personal Growth: Mature women often want someone who respects their autonomy and encourages their personal growth (see my article: Growing as an Individual While You're in a Relationship).

Can These Qualities Be Developed?

Many of these qualities can be developed over time. 

So, it's up to the individual people to decide if they see enough of the qualities in their partner to be happy with what already exists.  

However, many mature women want these qualities from the start because they know what they want and want someone who is developed in these ways.

Conclusion

Many of the qualities mentioned in this article are wanted by many people.

As previously mentioned, I think most mature women, regardless of age, are at a point in their lives where they know what they want in a partner.

How Couples Therapy Can Help

No relationship is perfect and many of the issues raised in this article are topics that are discussed in couples therapy (see my article: What Do Couples Talk About in Couples Therapy?).

Couples Therapy Can Help

If you and your partner are struggling, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who is a couples therapist.

Working with a skilled couples therapist can help you and your partner to work through problems so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, EFT (for couples) Somatic Experiencing, and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Dating Challenges: What Should You Talk About on a First Date?

Although I know plenty of people who have met their romantic partners on dating apps, there are also many people who find dating apps to be discouraging.

Dating: What Should You Talk About?

In recent years many of my single clients have complained that dating has become difficult  within the last several years (see my article: Why Was Dating So Much Easier in the Past?).

Why Has Dating Become So Difficult?

Many clients complain that the whole process is disheartening and fraught with problems (see my article: Why Do Some People Prefer Dating Apps to Meeting in Person?).

Assuming that two people make it through the initial stages and meet up for a first date, clients complain that the in person experience can be disappointing and awkward.  

Many of them say they're not even sure what to talk because the dating process has become more like a job search with people coming to the first date with many "interview questions" which is their approach to not wanting to waste time if their date isn't a potential match.

In general, these problems include:

• Technology: Dating apps have made dating impersonal for many people. Swiping through hundreds (if not thousands) of profiles can feel like you're in a highly competitive process, especially on dating sites where pictures are the main focus. No doubt dating apps also allow you to potentially meet many more people than you would in person (at least in theory), but many people believe the problems with dating apps outweighs the advantages.

• Know What You Want: Just like anything else, when you only have a vague idea of what you want, the dating experience can be disappointing. So, take some time to figure out what you're looking for (beyond looks) before you begin the process. You can also be reasonably flexible and take into account that you might click with someone who doesn't meet your full criteria because there are certain unexpected qualities you might like about them.

• Ghosting: The impersonal nature of dating also makes it easier to disconnect and disappear without an explanation. Many clients have said this is a regular part of their experience and ghosting has taken a toll on their mental health.

Dating and Ghosting

• Increased Risk: Since you don't always know who you're dealing with, there is an increased risk of being scammed or worse. If you set up a time to meet, always choose a public place. Even if you feel very lonely, don't fall for dating app scams where someone says they have fallen madly in love with you and declares you're in a relationship before you even meet as a way to set up instant intimacy. Then, inevitably, you get the message that they desperately need money for their father's medical bills and they ask you, as their partner, to send them money. You might think you wouldn't ever fall for one of these scams, but when you're lonely and you've had many prior discouraging dating experiences, it's easy to fall for a scam.

• Hook Up Culture: The combination of the technology, which is impersonal, and hook up culture, can create situations where people don't develop the necessary interpersonal and communication skills to be able to meet and date successfully. As a result, there might be a mismatch in terms of what each person wants. If you want to be in a committed relationship but the other person really only wants to hook up, you might be disappointed (see my article: Can Hookups Be Safer and More Satisfying For Heterosexual Women?)

• Loss of Control: Many people who use dating apps feel like they're being compared unfavorably to hundreds of other people on the site. This is often a fair assessment because some daters keep searching on the dating apps because they believe they can always find "someone better" if they keep looking. 

• Difficulty Figuring Out What Other People Want: Just because someone says they want to be in a relationship doesn't necessarily mean that's what they really want. And, even if they want to be in a relationship, they might not want to be in the type of relationship you want. For instance, if you want to be in a monogamous relationship, you might meet many people who want to be in a consensual nonmonogamous relationship and vice versa. Being honest is so important to avoid disappointment and hurt feelings (see my article: What Are Your Dating Expectations?).

• Dating App Burnout: Many clients describe the process of using dating apps as  exhausting. Looking at so many dating profiles and having online conversations with multiple people can be overwhelming. People who use dating apps who don't experience burnout often say that they limit their time on the apps. They designate a certain amount of time and then they get off. They might even take off a few weeks when it becomes too much. 

What Should You Talk About on a First Date?

Assuming you're able to navigate all the challenges involved with dating apps, another challenge is what to talk about on the first date.

Obviously, there's no one-size-fits-all answer to this question, but I think it's important to try to maintain an open and positive attitude while being discerning in the process.

Here are some tips you might find helpful for conversations on a first date:

• Be Curious: Instead of just talking about yourself, which is a common complaint among people who date, get curious about the person you're with. This doesn't mean asking them 100 questions. Instead focus casually on what you want to know about them.

What Do You Talk About on a First Date?

• Be Reasonably Open : While you're not going to share your whole life story or talk about all your exes or bad dating experiences, be appropriately open to talking about yourself in a way that let's your date know who you are. Keep it light. You can talk about your interests, hobbies, travel experiences, for instance, but try not to be so open that you're divulging things about yourself that will make your date cringe or make you feel embarrassed afterwards.

• Don't Dominate the Conversation: You want to be open and curious but, as previously mentioned, you don't want to engage in a monologue which will make your date look for the nearest exit. You're not responsible for carrying the whole conversation, so let your date take part in the conversation too.

• Feeling Awkward? You Might Say So: It's reasonable to feel a little awkward on a first date. Instead of pretending to feel more confident than you actually feel, admit to feeling a little awkward. This will probably take some pressure off you. It might also help your date to relax a little too because, chances are, they're feeling awkward too. By admitting this, you might even laugh about it and ease some of the tension.

Feeling Awkward During a First Date is Common

• Avoid Certain Topics: If you continue to date this person, there will be time to talk about certain topics that are important to you, but don't do it on the first date or too early on in the dating experience. Generally, topics to avoid include:
• Religion 
• Politics 
• Past Relationships
• Your Finances (or theirs)
• Your Traumatic Experiences (or theirs)

• Stick to Topics That Help You Get to Know Each Other in a Comfortable Way: For a first date, there are many topics that will help you to get to know each other without veering into cringeworthy subjects. These topics include:
• Travel
  
• Hobbies
• Special Interests
• Books
  
• Movies, and so on

• Don't Set Up False Expectations About Future Dates: You might realize that you and your date aren't a good match, but you might also feel awkward about how to handle this situation. There's an episode on "Friends" where Chandler dates Rachel's boss, Joanna. After the first date, he knows he doesn't want to see her again, but he doesn't know what to say so he tells her that he'll call her when he knows he has no intention of calling her. He just doesn't know how to handle that awkward silence at the end of their lunch date. Although it might be awkward, try to:

• Be polite and tactful

• Acknowledge what you enjoyed the date and getting to know them.

• At the same time, tell your date you don't feel a connection so you don't feel it will go any further. It can be awkward, but if you're polite and tactful, your date might appreciate that you're not going to waste their time.

Conclusion

Dating can be challenging, especially if you only use dating apps, as most people do these days.

A First Date: Keep It Light

Depending upon your circumstances, you might find it easier to use a combination of different ways to meet people including: meeting people through groups dedicated to your interests or hobbies, volunteering, asking friends about eligible single friends and going to other in-person events.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples on a variety of issues.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How Does Trauma Therapy Work?

Trauma therapy is a form of experiential talk therapy that works due to the mind-body connection. 

The experiential aspect of trauma therapy is related to the mind-body connection where you're not just talking about what you think in an intellectual way--you're also experiencing your thoughts and feelings in an embodied way.

    See my articles: 

The Mind-Body Connection: The Body Provides a Window Into the Unconscious Mind

Why Experiential Therapy is More Effective Than Regular Talk Therapy to Overcome Trauma)

How Trauma Therapy Works

What Type of Issues Are Processed in Trauma Therapy?

Trauma therapy helps clients to process unresolved trauma including (but not limited to):

• Childhood Emotional Neglect and Other Types of Childhood Trauma

• A History of Sexual Abuse
  

• A History of Physical Abuse

• A History of Emotional or Psychological Abuse

• A History of Traumatic Relationships 

• Traumatic Grief
  

• Shock Trauma: One-time events that were traumatic like natural disasters, getting robbed and so on

• Combat Trauma

• Other Traumatic Experiences including a history of experiencing bullying, emotional and verbal abuse to name just a few issues that clients work on in trauma therapy.

How Does Trauma Therapy Work?

When a person experiences trauma, it triggers heightened activation in the part of the brain called the amydala.

    

    See my article: How Trauma Therapy Can Help You to Overcome Unresolved Trauma

The amydala processes emotions and memory processing (see my article: Trauma and the Triune Brain).

Trauma and the Brain

The amydala can be slow to process trauma. This often leads to activation with regard to everyday stimuli including loud noises, scents, certain visual cues and other triggers which are specific for each person.

This activation can occur even when people haven't developed PTSD (posttraumatic stress disorder) symptoms.

Trauma therapy helps clients to reprocess unresolved trauma in a way that is safe and effective without being retraumatizing.

Trauma therapists have advanced training and skills in one or more types of trauma therapy. 

Due to their training and skills, trauma therapists know how to help clients to process trauma without retraumatizing them.

Not all therapists have trauma therapy training so it's important to ask any therapist you contact about their training, skills and background.

Over time, as you process trauma, you can prioritize taking care of yourself and leading a full life again.

What Are the Different Types of Trauma Therapy?

There are a variety of therapies that come under the umbrella of trauma therapy including (but not limited to):

• EMDR Therapy (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)

EMDR Therapy

• AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Therapy)

• Somatic Experiencing (SE)

Somatic Experiencing (SE)

• Parts Work (including Ego States Therapy and Internal Family Systems which is also known as IFS)

Parts Work (Ego States Therapy and IFS)

What is the Negative Impact of Unresolved Trauma?

Unresolved trauma can have a negative impact on every area of your life including:

• Relationships and family life

• Work

• School

• Friendships and social life

What Are the Benefits of Trauma Therapy?

Some of the benefits of trauma therapy include:

• Eliminating or reducing triggers and other trauma-related symptoms

• Learning coping skills and developing internal resources
  

• Overcoming distorted negative beliefs

• Reframing traumatic experiences to make sense of these experiences

• Reducing anxiety, irritability, anger and frustration

When Would Be a Good Time to Seek Help in Trauma Therapy?

As previously mentioned, unresolved trauma can affect every area of your life.

If you are experiencing one or more of the following symptoms, seek help from a qualified trauma therapist:

• Emotional Flashbacks

• Disturbing Triggers
  

• Insomnia and Trouble Sleeping

Insomnia and Trouble Sleeping

• Nightmares

• Isolation and Loneliness

• Anxiety

• Other Trauma-Related Symptoms That Affect You 

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

It can be difficult to ask for help, especially when you are experiencing the symptoms of unresolved trauma.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

When you seek help from a trauma therapist, ask her about her training, background and skills related to trauma therapy (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

Freeing yourself from your traumatic history can help you to live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many clients to overcome unresolved trauma so they could go on to live a more fulfilling life.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

How Trauma Therapy Can Help You Overcome Unresolved Trauma

In a prior article, The Unconscious Mind: The Symptom Contains the Solution, I discussed how mind-body oriented therapies help to access solutions that are already in your unconscious mind.

These mind-body oriented therapies, which are also called known as Experiential Therapy, include: 

• Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing therapy (EMDR) 

• Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy  (AEDP)

• Somatic Experiencing

• Parts Work (Ego States Therapy and Internal Family Systems)

Trauma Therapy For Unresolved Trauma

This is because these mind-body therapies provide a window into the unconscious mind (see my article: The Mind-Body Connection: The Body Offers a Window Into the Unconscious Mind).

Why Do Many People With Unresolved Trauma Have Problems Finding Solutions to Their Problems?

Here are some of the reasons why someone with unresolved trauma might have problems finding solutions to their problems:

• Ambivalence A person can really want to resolve their problems, but they might feel ambivalent. In other words, they have mixed feelings about it. A part of them wants to solve their problems, but another part of them might resist solutions for a variety of reasons, including fear and anxiety (see my article: Making Changes: Overcoming Ambivalence).

• Fear of the Unknown: Someone might have lived with a problem for a long time and they might be fearful what life might be like without their problem. They're accustomed to the problem and they fear the unknown (see my article: Overcoming Your Fear of Change).

• Fear of Uncertainty: Related to fear of the unknown is fear of uncertainty. This is especially true if people have experienced overwhelming uncertainty which was traumatizing in the past. For instance, if they grew up with a lot of uncertainty as children, they might be especially fearful of uncertainty as adults (see my article: Living With Uncertainty).

Unresolved Trauma and Fear of Uncertainty

• Lack of Self Confidence: When someone lacks self confidence, they might doubt their ability to come up with possible solutions to their problems (see my article: Overcoming Feelings of Inadequacy).

• Shame: Many people who have unresolved trauma have a negative belief that they were to blame for their traumatic past. For instance, a person who experienced sexual abuse might have a distorted belief that they were responsible for the abuse. In many cases, their parents or other adults might have told them it was their fault. These distorted negative beliefs can create a lot of shame that has a negative impact on many areas, including problem solving. They might erroneously believe that any problem they have is their own fault, which can be emotionally paralyzing when it comes to decision making (see my article: Overcoming Shame in Therapy).

Trauma Therapy For Unresolved Trauma

• Problems With Emotional Regulation: The thought of making a change, even a change that could resolve their problems, can be anxiety provoking for someone with unresolved trauma. If someone has a problem regulating their emotions, they might have problems coping. This can make them feel stuck (see my article: Developing Skills to Manage Your Emotions).

• Lack of Trust: If someone has experienced trauma, they might not trust solutions that involve relying on other people. This is often because, in the past, they weren't able to rely on people who were supposed to be trustworthy. They might even mistrust themselves to make the right choices.

• Compensatory Aspects to the Problem: There are many examples of compensatory aspects to problems. For instance, a person might want to stop drinking because they know it's bad for their health, their partner is complaining about it, and they're also missing days from  work. But they might also like the way they feel when they drink. Drinking might give them "liquid courage" in social situations. So, on the one hand, they want to quit but, on the other hand, they want to continue to experience how they feel when they drink.

• Perfectionism: People who tend to be perfectionists often find flaws with any solution to their problems. In their effort to find a "perfect solution", no solution seems adequate, so they remain stuck in their problem (see my article: Overcoming Perfectionism).

• Fear of Making a Mistake: Even if someone isn't a perfectionist, they might feel emotionally paralyzed to risk trying a solution to their problems if they are afraid of making a mistake. This type of fear is often learned early childhood either from parents who are themselves fearful of making mistakes and who discourage their children from taking any risks (see my article: Overcoming Your Fear of Making Mistakes).

• Unresolved Trauma and a Negative Bias: People who have unresolved trauma often fear they will be traumatized again so change is hard for them. People with a negative bias anticipate everything that could go wrong with possible solutions. They anticipate the worst and they don't want to experience the overwhelming emotions they experienced when they were traumatized in the past (see my article: Reacting to the Present Based on Your Traumatic Past).

• Unresolved Trauma and the Need For Control: People who have unresolved trauma  often have a need to control outcomes in their life--even things they know they can't control. So, taking risks makes them fearful and uncomfortable (see my article: The Connection Between Unresolved Trauma and the Need For Control).

• Family or Cultural Issues: Someone might feel pressure to remain stuck in their problem because they don't want to go against family, religious or cultural traditions. For instance, if someone is in an unhappy marriage, they might remain in the marriage to appease their family, religion or cultural group.

How to Overcome Problems With Change Related to Trauma

• Practice Self Compassion: Strive to avoid self criticism and have compassion for yourself. Be kind to yourself and acknowledge that change is hard, especially if you have unresolved trauma (see my article: Developing Self Compassion).

• Write in a Journal: Journaling can be a valuable tool to help you deal with your anxiety and fear.  Writing about your anxiety and fear can help you to gain insight and challenge your doubts (see my article: Journaling to Relieve Stress and Anxiety.

• Practice Meditation and Breathing Exercises: Developing a meditation practice can help you to cope with anxiety and fear. Practicing breathing exercises can also help you to calm yourself (see my articles: The Benefits of Meditation and Learning to Relax With Square Breathing).

• Identify Triggers: Being able to identify triggers can help you to temporarily avoid people, places and things that might be too stressful for you to cope with at certain times in your life. It's a temporary solution until you get help in trauma therapy because you can't avoid situations that trigger you indefinitely. But until you get help in therapy, you can give yourself a temporary break while you're under a lot of stress (see my article: Coping With Trauma-Related Triggers).

• Restructure Your Distorted Negative Thoughts: Cognitive restructuring is a useful tool, especially if you have thoughts that tend to run away with themselves. When you restructure your thoughts, you look at your thoughts objectively and challenge the ones that are unrealistic (see my article: 5 Tips For Challenging and Restructuring Distorted Negative Thoughts).

• Reframe Your Distorted Negative Perspective: Reframing your perspective is similar to restructuring your thoughts. Instead of believing the worst possible scenario, learn to look at the same problem from a different angle. You might be able to reframe problems in terms of possible positive outcomes (Developing a Different Perspective Through Reframing).

Get Help in Trauma Therapy: 

A skilled trauma therapist has advanced training in helping clients to overcome unresolved trauma.

Trauma Therapy For Unresolved Trauma

When you're considering a therapist, ask about their training, experience and background with regard to trauma.

An experienced trauma therapist can help you to overcome unresolved trauma that keeps you stuck.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has advanced training and experience in trauma therapy so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples. 

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many clients to overcome their trauma (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What is Quiet Quitting in a Relationship?

Quiet quitting is a term that many people associate with work. It refers to someone who no longer puts much effort into their work but who remains on the job doing as little as possible to maintain the job until they're ready to leave (or they might stay indefinitely).

Understanding Quiet Quitting in a Relationship

Quiet quitting in a relationship is when one or both partners disengage emotionally and  psychologically without leaving.They might also disengage sexually.

Quiet Quitting in a Relationship

Quiet quitting in a relationship often involves:

• Making little or no effort in the relationship

• Withdrawing attention

• Withdrawing from emotional, psychological and sexual intimacy

• Not addressing the underlying issues involved in the couple's problems (see my article: Are You and Your Partner Avoiding Difficult Conversations?).

What are the Signs of Quiet Quitting in a Relationship?

Some of the signs of quiet quitting in a relationship include:

• A Decrease in Communication: Meaningful conversations become less frequent or nonexistent.

• Avoiding Asking or Answering Questions: One or both people show little or no interest in asking their partner questions about the partner and/or the relationship.

• Emotional Detachment: One or both partners become emotionally distant and withdrawn from each other and show little or no interest in the relationship.

Quiet Quitting in a Relationship

• Little or No Intimacy: Physical and emotional intimacy often declines or becomes nonexistent. There might also be little or no expressions of affection (see my article: Have You and Your Partner Stopped Having Sex?).

• Spending Less Time Together: One or both partners might pursue their own separate interests without their partner and without sharing those interests with the partner as a way to avoid each other and spend less time together.

• Being Mentally and Emotionally Distant When They're Together: Even when they're together one or both people might be mentally and emotionally distant and disengaged from one another. For example, they might be daydreaming, playing with their phone or doing work in order to avoid engaging with their partner.

• Loss of Shared Goals and Dreams For the Relationship: The couple might lose sight of dreams they once had together. They might also stop planning for the future (see my article: 7 Tips For Creating a Stronger Relationship With Relationship Goals).

How is Quiet Quitting in a Relationship Different From Ghosting?

Ghosting involves disappearing from a relationship altogether and the relationship ends.

When one or both people engage in quiet quitting, they're usually still physically present. If they live together, they might feel like they're just coexisting in the same place but not emotionally or physically engaging with one another.

Quiet quitting is usually a progressive disengagement that happens gradually over time. If it persists, it will erode the quality of the emotional bonds in the relationship.

Even though the couple might remain together, both people are usually dissatisfied with the relationship and the relationship might eventually end if the couple doesn't take steps to address their problems.

Why Do These Couples Stay Together?

There might be constraints that keep these couples together. For instance, there might be financial constraints that make it difficult for one or both people to leave the relationship. In many instances they can't afford to end the relationship.

There might also be cultural factors that keep a couple who are disengaged from ending the relationship altogether. For instance a couple's culture or religion might prohibit ending the relationship.

A couple who is disengaged in this way might also hesitate to end the relationship because they think they need to remain together for their younger children. 

In many cases one or both people aren't ready to leave yet, so they plan, save money and privately make arrangements for the time when they can leave. Often this is done without letting the other partner know in advance.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information removed to protect confidentiality:

Cathy and Jim

Cathy and Jim were married for 10 years when they sought help in couples therapy.

They told their couples therapist that, over the years, they had become increasingly disengaged from one another.

Both of them agreed that the emotional disengagement (also known as quiet quitting) began after they had their second child and, at the same time, Jim's father needed additional help due to his medical problems.

Quiet Quitting in a Relationship

Jim admitted that, although he loved his younger child now, originally, when Cathy said she wanted another child, he didn't really want a second child.  But he felt pressured by Cathy and went along with her wishes, which made him feel resentful towards her (see my article: How to Deal With Resentment in Your Relationship).

Cathy acknowledged she knew Jim didn't want a second child, but she had hoped that once the baby was born, Jim would change his mind. She spoke about how disappointed and hurt she was that Jim showed only minimal interest in their second child after their son was born. She also admitted she should not have pressured Jim to have another child.

She said it was only after their younger son was five or six years old that Jim showed more interest in him because he was able to do more things with their son--like teaching him baseball or how to ride a bike.

By then, she said, the damage to their relationship was done. They were respectful of one another, but Jim was sleeping in the guest room and they spent little time together alone. She had hoped things would change over time, but by the time Jim's father needed help from Jim, she and Jim had become emotionally and sexually estranged.

As they spent less time together, they became more involved in their own hobbies and interests that didn't include each other. They also stopped being affectionate with one another.

As time went on, their communication became much less frequent. Over time they were only talking about what they needed to talk about--mostly logistics or about their children or their parents. Even then, their communication was strained.

Cathy said she tried to talk to Jim about their problems because she was feeling lonely in their relationship, but he wasn't open to talking so she suggested they seek help in couples therapy.

Jim acknowledged that he wasn't open to talk to Cathy about their emotional estrangement. He agreed to couples therapy reluctantly. But once he started couples therapy, he realized he still held a lot of resentment towards her about having their second child.

Jim also realized that, when he was a child, his parents were emotionally estranged from one another so that when he and Cathy became estranged, he didn't feel as uncomfortable as Cathy did because this dynamic was familiar to him (see my article: Shame and Disengaged Families).

He expressed regret that their relationship had devolved to this point. He wanted to salvage their relationship so that it would be more emotionally and sexually fulfilling.

Since Jim and Cathy had been at this impasse for so long, they found it challenging at first to become more emotionally and sexually engaged.

Over time, their therapist, who was an Emotionally Focused Couples Therapist and a sex therapist helped Jim and Cathy to stop blaming each other.

Instead of blaming one another, their therapist got them to focus on their negative cycle, so they could focus on working together to change their negative patterns (see my article: Breaking the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship With Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples).

They were also able to work through their resentments. Jim was able to let go of his resentment about having a second child. Cathy was able to let go of her resentment that, prior to couples therapy, Jim wasn't willing to talk to her about their problems.

Having a couples therapist to help facilitate their conversations helped them to reconnect again emotionally and sexually.

How to Improve Your Relationship When One or Both of You Are Disengaged?

Even though you might be dissatisfied with your relationship, you might want to try to salvage it by re-engaging with each other:

• Consider Your Expectations in the Relationship:
• Do you have realistic expectations?

• Do you expect your partner to be your "everything" instead of also getting emotional support and friendship from others?

• Is it time to reevaluate your expectations so that you're not putting too much emotional and psychological pressure on your partner?

• Speak to Your Partner About the Disengagement: Since quiet quitting is often done without the acknowledgement of either partner, speak to your partner and tell them what you're observing about the dynamic in the relationship.

• Acknowledge and Express Appreciation For Your Partner: If it's been a while since you have emotionally acknowledged your partner and expressed your appreciation, tell your partner how much you value and appreciate them (see my article: The Importance of Expressing Gratitude To Your Partner).

• Seek Help From a Couples Therapist: It can be difficult to repair things if you and your partner have been disengaged for a while. If you're unable to do this as a couple, you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed mental health professional who is a couples therapist and who can help you to either re-engage or to decide to end the relationship instead of remaining at an unsatisfying impasse.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

Quiet quitting in relationships is more common than most people think.

Whether couples want to stay together or end the relationship, they can find it challenging to overcome the stuck place they're in.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

A skilled couples therapist can help the couple to overcome their impasse so they can either work towards strengthening their relationship or ending it in as amicable a way as possible.

If you and your partner are stuck, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is a couples therapist so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, an EFT couples therapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.