Ethical Flirting: How Can You Tell If Someone is Really Into You or Just Being Friendly?

Trying to figure out if someone is interested in you or if they're just being friendly towards you can be tricky.

Ethical Flirting: Are They Into You or Just Being Friendly?

In the past few weeks, I've written several articles about flirting which can be helpful in understanding the topic of ethical flirting:

What's Your Flirting Style?

The Physical Flirting Style

The Playful Flirting Style

The Sincere Flirting Style

The Traditional Flirting Style

The Polite Flirting Style

In Episode 132 of the Sex and Psychology podcast, "Ethical Flirting and Seduction", Dr. Justin Lehmiller discusses this topic with Dr. Alison Ash, a trauma-informed intimacy coach (the link is at the end of this article).

What is Ethical Flirting?

According to Dr. Ash, flirting is intentionally vague--it's not linear.

Flirting isn't about building and escalating in one direction.  

Instead, flirting a wave-like experience of escalating and de-escalating even when you're both interested in each other and aligned in what you want.

Ethical Flirting: Are They Into You or Just Being Friendly?

The vagueness and the escalating/de-escalating allows you to test the waters to see how the other person responds to you.

Ethical flirting involves balancing emotional safety and turn-on as you test the boundaries (in an appropriate way) based on the person you're with and the context you're in.

Part of the challenge of ethical flirting is finding the comfortable intersection between emotional safety and turn-on.

If there's too much safety and not enough turn-on, you might find yourself in the "Friend Zone" when you don't want to be there.

Dating vs Friend Zone

If there's too much turn-on and not enough safety, the person you're interested in might get uncomfortable and put up defensive walls.

According to Dr. Ash, the difference between ethical flirting vs manipulation is whether or not you're approaching flirting in a goal-oriented way (e.g., getting the other person into bed).

Dr. Ash indicated that when flirting has a particular goal, it can lead to subtle or overt manipulation because, by focusing on the goal, you might overlook many signals from the other person who might not be interested.

Why is Attunement Important When You're Flirting?

When you're attuned to the other person, you're tracking whether or not you're getting cues or signals from them that they're interested (or not).

These cues can include (depending upon the cultural backgrounds of each person):

• Eye contact
• Smile 
• Body language
• Facial expression
• Your own intuition of what's happening between you and the other person

Attunement is important when you're flirting because it allows you to 

• Meet the other person where they're at in the moment 
• Let the situation unfold without being attached to a particular goal
• Help the other person to feel safe with you so they can open up if they're interested
• Help the other person to let you know they're not interested
• Recalibrate your interactions if you're getting signals they're not interested or they're interested but they're uncomfortable because you're going too fast for them

How Can You Tell If Someone is Interested in You or Just Being Friendly?

Flirting often takes place in an ambiguous context, according to Dr. Ash, and it can be unclear as to whether someone is attracted to you or just being friendly.

I remember a situation when I was in my early 20s and working for a large corporate organization:

On most mornings, I would run into a friendly guy who worked in another department on my floor who was really chatty.  Sometimes we would have a friendly chat for a few minutes about the weather or our weekend--nothing intimate. I thought nothing of it at the time.

Then, one day a large bouquet of red roses was delivered to my desk without a card.  I just assumed it was from my boyfriend at the time.  But when I called my boyfriend to thank him, I just heard momentary silence on the other end of the phone. Then, to my amazement, he said, "It wasn't me. Who's sending you flowers?"

This left me confused and curious. But by the next day, I ran into the friendly guy and he asked me if I got the roses he sent, and I felt the blood rush to my face.

When I told him that I had a boyfriend and I hoped he didn't misunderstand my friendliness towards him, he looked embarrassed.  He had obviously misconstrued my friendliness to mean that I was interested in him.  After that, he stopped speaking to me, which made it very awkward whenever we ran into each other in the hall.

In this particular case, I think there were also cultural issues that added to the confusion because (I found out later) the women from his culture wouldn't stop to chat with a man in a friendly way unless there was a romantic interest.

I'm bringing up this story to show how easy and common it is for there to be misunderstandings in these kinds of situations.

Women often discuss these kinds of misunderstandings in therapy.  On the one hand, they don't want to be unfriendly but, on the other hand, they don't want to have their friendliness misconstrued as attraction.

So, developing the necessary attunement skills is essential when you're interested in someone and you want to know if they're interested in you.  At the same time, be aware that there can be misunderstandings (I'll address how to deal with that later in this article).

How to Flirt in an Ethical Way

Flirting an be fun and playful or it can be sleazy.  

According to Dr. Ash, if you want to want it to be fun and not sleazy:

• Escalate Flirting Slowly: This gives you an opportunity to assess cues from the other person. It also allows the other person to refine the cues they're giving you.

• Look For a Cluster of Cues: Instead of looking for only one cue, look for a cluster of cues, including if the other person:

• Makes eye contact with you where they're gazing at you or looks away
• Leans in to minimize the body space between you and them or moves away
• Reaches out to touch you lightly in an appropriate way (e.g., upper arm or shoulder)
• Reciprocates your touch in an appropriate way
• Responds by smiling at you or stiffens towards you
• Engages you in fun and "juicy" topics as you get to know each other or if their interaction with you remains more mundane

How to Deal With Misattunements

As I mentioned earlier in my personal example, it can be easy to misunderstand even if you think you're picking up on signals that the other person is interested.

Ethical Flirting: Dealing With Misattunements

The tricky part is to figure out whether what you're seeing is disinterest or if the other person is interested but uncomfortable because you escalated the flirting too quickly.  

Be aware that there are different levels of flirting.  

For instance, if you were talking and lightly touching the other person's upper arm and they still seemed engaged in flirting with you, but then you touched their hand and they responded by moving away, you need to back off and reassess the situation.

Assuming that you're only misaligned in the moment because you escalated too quickly and the person is actually still interested in you but uncomfortable with what you just did, Dr. Ash recommends that you go back a step to where you last felt you were both aligned.

For example, if you felt aligned at the point when you were both smiling and engaged in a particular topic of conversation, take a step back, recalibrate, and return to the former level of flirting.  

If your recalibration doesn't work, you might have to address the so-called "elephant in the room" in a tactful way. This can be awkward, but it's less awkward than if you don't address it at all. 

You can address this misattunement by apologizing and naming what just transpired. This can help the other person to see that you're trying to be attuned to them and you want to meet them where they're are in that moment.  Then, if they're interested, they can also try to align with you.

Ethical Flirting Online

According to Dr. Ash, online flirting can be even trickier than in-person flirting because you don't have the physical cues to help you to be attuned. 

She recommends video chats instead of texting because texting can be confusing.  

Either way, her recommendation is that you go slowly.  For instance, don't start by asking very intimate questions, like "What are your sexual fantasies?" or "What's your favorite sex position?"

You need to build the intimacy slowly so that when you get the signal that the other person might be ready for more intimate topics. Then, you can bring up the right topics at the right time instead of being offensive.

A slow escalation allows you to proceed to increasing vulnerability as long as you're aligned with the person you like.

In general, whether you're flirting in-person or online, remember that building intimacy includes being curious about them and sharing information about yourself in an appropriate way.  

Too many people have a list of questions they ask the other person as if they're an interviewer and forget to be self revealing.

How to Deal with Your Fear of Rejection

Many people avoid making the effort to flirt because they fear rejection.

Ethical Flirting and Fear of Rejection

Fear of a rejection is a common problem due to:

• Uncertainty
• Overanalyzing yourself
• Being overly critical of yourself in terms of what you say and do
• Second guessing yourself
• Previous experiences of rejection
• Unresolved trauma

No one wants to be rejected, but if you're both too shy or afraid of rejection, you could be missing out on opportunities to get to know each other.

Dr. Ash's recommendations on how to overcome your fear, especially if you lack experience with ethical flirting include:

• Put yourself out there so you can get practice with building relational skills (see my article: Being Open to New Experiences)

• Get out of your head (see my article: The Mind-Body Connection: The Body Offers a Window Into the Unconscious Mind)

• Become more embodied by using embodiment practices, like:
• Observing sensations and emotions in your body
• Practicing using your body as an anchor 
• Getting grounded
  
• Learning breathing techniques to calm yourself (see my article: Learn to Do Square Breathing)

• Use positive self talk instead of negative self talk

• Access your sense of openness and curiosity (it's hard to feel anxious when you're in a curious state)

• Focus more on the other person than yourself

• Learn to be adaptable and flexible with regard to the person you're with and the context you're in instead of relying on the same pickup line for everyone

• Be playful and fun if the circumstances allow for it

• Be aware of the types of environments where you feel the most comfortable so you can show your best side as opposed to feeling like an impostor

When to Seek Help in Therapy

When you're engaging in ethical flirting, you can either feel delight in the longing and anticipation or you can feel emotional pain.

If you feel emotionally unfulfilled because you don't have close relationships with friends and family or because you have unresolved trauma, flirting can be challenging for you because you feel insecure and you come across as too hungry for emotional connection.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you don't have other close relationships, learn to cultivate platonic relationships that will nourish you emotionally. Aside from nourishing you emotionally, these platonic relationships can help you to develop interpersonal skills that are similar to the skills you need to make romantic connections.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to overcome the emotional blocks that get in your way.

So, rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

I am a sex-positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Sex and Psychology Episode on Ethical Seduction

What is a Flow State?

The Flow State has also been described as being "in the zone" or "in the groove."  

When  people are in a Flow State, they are so immersed and focused on whatever enjoyable task they're doing that they don't notice time is passing. 

A Flow State

This article will focus on:

• Defining the Flow State
• Positive Psychology and the Flow State
• The Benefits of the Flow State
• How to Enter into the Flow State

What is the Flow State?

The psychological Flow State is a state of being completely absorbed, focused and involved in an enjoyable task for its own sake.

A Flow State

The Flow State is similar to mindfulness in that a person who is in that state is in the present moment.

Tasks that allow for a Flow State include (but are not limited to): 

• Sports 
• Yoga
• Dancing 
• Reading
• Gardening
• Crafts
• Painting
• Drawing
• Video games
• Listening to music
• Playing an instrument
• Sex 

These tasks can be anything that is enjoyable, rewarding and at just the right level of challenge for a person's particular skill set.  

A Flow State

The tasks aren't so tough that they're overwhelming and they're not so easy that they're boring.

What is the Connection Between Positive Psychology and the Flow State?

Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, a Hungarian-American psychologist who was a leader in the Positive Psychology movement, popularized the concept of the Flow State.

The Positive Psychology movement was developed in the late 20th Century as an alternative to the psychological perspective at the time that focused on psychopathology.

In his book, Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience, Csikszentmihalyi indicated that people are happiest when they are in the Flow State.

He characterized nine components of the Flow State:

• Challenge-skill balance
• Merging of action and awareness
• Clarity
• Immediate and clear feedback
• Concentration on the task
• Paradox of control (the more you try to control something the more. you lose control)
• Transformation of time
• Loss of self consciousness
• Autotelic experience (performing tasks that are intrinsically rewarding)

What Are the Benefits of the Flow State?

• Better performance
• Fewer distractions
• Less self judgment
• Increased motivation to complete a task
• Great ability to spend a longer time on a task
• Increased skill and sense of self competence

How Can You Enter into the Flow State?

People often get into the Flow State without realizing it, but you can also try to induce a Flow State.

If you want to induce the Flow State, you can:

• Think about the times you were able to get into the Flow State in the past

A Flow State

• Engage in enjoyable activities where you can get immersed

• Eliminate distractions, interruptions and multitasking so you can focus on one activity

• Allow enough time to enter into a Flow State (a longer time is more conductive to Flow)

• Practice mindfulness

Conclusion

Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi's work emphasized that the Flow State can induce a feeling of happiness and a sense of meaningfulness.  

He also stressed the importance of the balance between the challenge of the task and the skill involved to be able to enter into a Flow State.

You can explore different tasks to find the ones that enable you to enter into a Flow State and derive the benefits of Flow.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex-positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Understanding the Connection Between Your Personality Type and Your Choice of a Romantic Partner

In her book Why Him? Why Her? Understanding Your Personality Type and Finding the Perfect Match, Dr. Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist and leading expert on romantic love, writes that there is a strong connection between your personality type and love.  

She posits that your personality influences how you select a romantic partner.

The Connection Between Personality and Romance

Before delving further into this topic, let's define what we mean by the word "personality."

What is Personality?

Personality is made up of your character and your temperament.  

    Character:

Your character is formed based on your experiences, including:

• Your family values and interests
• How your family expressed love and hate
• How your family/community interacted, had fun, relaxed and so on

    Temperament:

Your temperament is made up of biological factors, which you inherit, and develop early on including patterns of how you:

• Think
• Feel
• Behave

            Includes:

•     Curiosity
•     Creativity
•     Novelty seeking
•     Compassion
•     Cautiousness
•     Competitiveness, and so on

According to Dr. Fisher, in recent years scientists who study human behavior have discovered that groups of interacting genes influence behavior and they act together to form behavior syndromes.

Dr. Fisher provides an example of someone who is biologically predisposed to novelty seeking.  Typically, that person would be curious, creative, energetic, spontaneous, and risk taking.

Alternatively, if your personality is more traditional, you would be loyal, cautious, respecting of authority and like to plan and make schedules.

According to Dr. Fisher, the constellation of these biological traits form personality types.

The 4 Personality Types

Dr. Fisher identifies four broad personality types:

• Explorer
• Negotiator
• Builder
• Director

Each of these personality types has unique characteristics and dominant chemistry:

Explorer (Dopamine):

• Energetic
• Curious
• Creative
• Resilient
• Enthusiastic with different interests, including sensation seeking

Negotiator (Estrogen):

• Imaginative
• Compassionate
• Interested in the big picture
• Enjoy large, ambiguous issues and ideas

Builder (Serotonin)

• Trustworthy
• Dependable
• Stable
• Loyal
• Down-to-earth common sense

Director (Testostorone)

• Analytical
• Independent thinker
• Interested in how things work
• A grasp for patterns and sees many sides of complex issues

Most personalities are made up of a combination of all four types with certain types more prevalent than others.  

Dr. Fisher indicates that, although all parts of your personality are important, the two personality types that are the strongest for you are the most important. 

You could be any combination of personality types.  

For instance, based on her personality test, your most dominant feature might be the Negotiator type and the secondary might be Explorer.  Or, you could be a combination of Director/Explorer, and so on.

The Connection Between Personality Type and Romantic Choices

Based on her research, Dr. Fisher indicates that these features, which make up your personality type, are relevant to your choice of a romantic partner.  

The Connection Between Personality and Romance

In this system, there are no bad combinations, but certain combinations work better than others.  

For instance, her personality test indicates that someone who scores high as a Negotiator would do well with someone who is a Director.  However, a Negotiator could do well with a Builder or an Explorer, but there might be certain compromises that would need to be made.

The Impact of Life Experiences

Aside from personality type, significant life experiences also affect how you think, feel and behave.  

So, for instance, early life experiences affect how open or trusting you are with regard to being in a relationship.  

Similarly, if you have had negative experiences with prior relationships, this can also affect how you think, feel and behave, especially with regard to potential partners.  This would include your attachment style (see my article: What is Your Attachment Style?).

Is It Lust or Love?

It's very easy to confuse lust with love (see my article: Relationships: Confusing Sexual Attraction With Love).

The Connection Between Personality and Romance

When you're in the Limerence Phase of a relationship (also known as the Honeymoon Phase), feelings can be so strong that it's hard to distinguish love and lust.

Most of the time, you need to be patient and see how things unfold to differentiate love and lust.

There are signs you can detect to know the difference (see my article: 7 Signs Your Relationship is Based on Lust and Not Love).

Can Lust Turn Into Love?

According to scientists who study lust and love, lust can turn into love, but it doesn't always happen and when it happens, it doesn't always happen for both people.

Dr. Fisher states that romance can be broken down into three categories with the following chemicals:

• Lust:  testosterone and estrogen
• Attraction: dopamine, norepinephrine, serotonin
• Attachment: oxytocin, vasopressin

Lust is driven by the a desire for sex.  

Attraction is closely related to lust, but while lust tends to be focused mostly on the exterior, sexual attraction tends to be about the whole person.  You can be attracted to someone you desire sexually and vice versa.  This is part of the reason why the first stage of a relationship can be so exhilarating--and confusing. 

Attachment is involved in relationships with family, friends and lovers.  People in long term relationships can still experience lust and attraction, but the dominant feature in committed relationships is attachment (see my article: The 5 Stages of Love - From Attraction to Commitment).

If you're in a Friends With Benefits (FWB) situation and you realize you're developing feelings that are more than just sexual, you owe it to yourself and your FWB partner to be honest and let them know to avoid misunderstandings and hurt feelings.

5 Signs It's Love

• You're attraction includes an emotional connection and, for some people, even a spiritual connection.

• You share the most important parts of your life with your partner.

• You imagine a long term future with them.

• You look forward to or enjoy meeting their family and friends.

• You and your partner are invested in putting the time and effort to making the relationship work.

Conclusion

Your personality type, attachment style and history can affect your choice of a romantic partner.

Distinguishing love from lust, attraction and love can be tricky, but there are signs that can guide you, as discussed above.

Lust can turn into love, but it doesn't always happen and, when it happens, it doesn't always happen for both people involved, so honest communication is important.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex-positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

What is Erotic Empathy?

The term "erotic empathy" was coined by Canadian psychotherapist Amanda Luterman, founder of the Centre for Erotic Empathy, as she observed couples struggling to understand each other sexually (see my article: Don't Yuk Anybody's Yum).

Developing Erotic Empathy

What is Empathy?

Before delving into the meaning of erotic empathy, let's define the meaning of the word "empathy."

As psychotherapists in training learn early on, empathy is an essential part of working with clients in psychotherapy (see my article: Why is Empathy Important in Therapy?).

Empathy has been defined in many ways and it includes a wide range of experiences. 

Emotion researchers define empathy as the ability to sense other people's emotions and to imagine what other people might be thinking and feeling.

Empathy is the first step in experiencing compassion.

Researchers believe that empathy has an important evolutionary history among mammals for cooperation and survival.

Researchers describe different types of empathy:

• Affective Empathy: The ability to experience sensations and feelings derived from other people's emotions

• Cognitive Empathy (also called Perspective Taking): The ability to identify and understand other people's emotions

What is Erotic Empathy?

Erotic empathy is the ability to communicate your emotional and sexual needs to your partner as well as the ability to understand their needs.  

Developing Erotic Empathy

Erotic empathy does not mean that you do things you don't want to do sexually or that you expect your partner to do things they don't want to do (see my article: What Are the Basic Rules of Sexual Consent?).

But when either of you suggests doing something the other doesn't want to do, erotic empathy means you don't criticize, show contempt or respond with disgust (see my article: How to Improve Your Communication By Avoiding the "4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse").

Why is Erotic Empathy Important in Your Relationship?

Good communication is essential to a healthy relationship.

It's often hard for people to talk about what they want sexually, so if you respond to your partner with criticism, contempt or disgust, you could shut your partner down and make it that much harder for them to talk to you about sex the next time (see my article: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2).

Developing Erotic Empathy

Rejecting sexual suggestions without compassion is hurtful to your partner. Feeling rejected, your partner might withdraw emotionally and sexually from you (see my article: Coping With Sexual Rejection From Your Partner).

The outcome could be that you both get stuck in a rut following the same boring sex script indefinitely (see my article: What is Sexual Boredom in Long Term Relationships?).

And just like you probably wouldn't want to eat your favorite meal every day from now until forever, you would get tired of engaging in the same sexual acts all the time (see my article: How to Change Your Sex Script).

Clinical Vignette About Erotic Empathy

The following clinical vignette is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information removed. It illustrates how a couple can learn to develop and use erotic empathy.

Bill and Lena

One day Lena came in the house after doing yard work. Her husband, Bill, gave her a hug and said, "The kids will be out for a few hours. Let's have sex."  

Inwardly, Lena groaned. She felt sweaty and dirty from doing yard work. Having sex while she felt this way was the last thing she wanted to do so she told him, "Forget it! How could you even suggest having sex while I'm such a mess."  

Then she saw the hurt look on his face, but she didn't know what to say, so she left the room to take a shower.  

While she was showering, she had time to think and she felt badly about rejecting Bill. She thought she should talk to him about it, but when she went back into the living room, she saw Bill was on his computer finishing up some work.  When he didn't look up when she walked into the room, she took that as a sign that he didn't want to talk and she went to the kitchen to start dinner.  

After a few more incidents like this, Bill stopped initiating sex and Lena felt too uncomfortable initiating.  As a result, months went by and neither of them felt comfortable initiating sex or even bringing up the topic.  

Then, one day, after feeling increasingly uncomfortable, Lena blurted out that they should attend sex therapy because their sex life had become nonexistent, and Bill agreed.

Their sex therapist helped them to understand their feelings and why it was so hard for them to talk about sex.  

She also helped them to develop erotic empathy for each other so that, instead of rejecting each other sexually, they learned to start by being open and getting curious.  

After they went over the incident with their sex therapist where Lena rejected Bill, they learned a different way to communicate with each other.

Lena said, "I realize how I responded to Bill was hurtful. The truth is I enjoy sex with Bill, but I just felt so dirty and smelly that I needed to take a shower.  I wish I would've told him, 'I would love to have sex with you. Let me take a shower first and then let's meet in the bedroom.'"  Then, turning to Bill, she said, "I'm sorry I rejected you. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings."

As Bill turned towards Lena and put his arm around her, he said, "I wouldn't have minded if you were dirty and smelly. I think it might've even been a turn-on for me, but I understand you didn't feel comfortable, so I would've been happy to wait while you took a shower. I'm sorry I didn't understand how you were feeling."

As part of their sex therapy homework, Bill and Lena practiced developing erotic empathy with each other as part of improving their communication.

As part of expanding their sexual repertoire, over time, Lena and Bill learned to overcome their shame and discomfort with talking about sex so they could communicate more effectively with each other and expand their sexual repertoire (see my article: Changing Your Sex Script: The Beginning Phase - Sexual Arousal).

At one point, their sex therapist gave them a Yes, No, Maybe list to see what sexual activities they both would like to add to their sexual repertoire.  

The list had over 100 sexual activities with a scale of 0-5 with 0 indicating no interest, 5 indicating a strong interest and the rest of the scale being a spectrum indicating various degrees of interest or disinterest (see my article: Creating Your Sexual Menu With a Yes, No, Maybe List).

Each of them filled it out separately and then brought their filled out list to their next sex therapy session.  

Their sex therapist helped them to start by adding the sexual activities where they both had a strong interest (5 on the Yes, No, Maybe List).

There was a clear understanding that neither of them had to do anything they didn't want to do, but they had to communicate with erotic empathy.

As they included more items from the list as part of their sexual repertoire, they talked about it in their sex therapy sessions.  

There were times when they both enjoyed a sexual activity they explored. There were also other times when one of them enjoyed it and the other one thought they would enjoy it but, once they tried it, they didn't.  

Each time, they learned how to talk about what they liked and disliked with empathy for the other partner.  

After trying all the #5 items on the Yes, Maybe, No list, they talked about the other items from Level #4 and below.  

At times, it was challenging, but they maintained their sense of openness and curiosity and respected each other's decisions.

Throughout this process, their sex life became more satisfying for both of them.

How to Develop Erotic Empathy

• Develop a Sense of Openness: To start, learn to cultivate a sense of openness about understanding your own and your partner's sexual turn-ons.  Start by understanding your own erotic blueprint.  You can explore your own sexual pleasure through pleasure mapping.  This kind of openness can be difficult if you experience sexual shame and guilt for personal, interpersonal or cultural reasons. Choose your discussion time wisely. Don't try to have a talk about sex when you're tired, rushed or when you don't have privacy. Choose a time when you're both relaxed but not when you're about to have sex because that will cause too much pressure. So, for instance, you can both be sitting on the couch and enjoying each other's company when you bring the discussion.

• Get Curious About Your Own and Your Partner's Sexual Turn-ons: Along with a sense of openness, a sense of curiosity also helps you talk to your partner about what each of you would like. Instead of automatically rejecting your partner's sexual suggestions, ask your partner what s/he likes about a particular sexual activity. If you each understand what makes this sexual act appealing, you might be more willing to try it or, if not, you might come up with a compromise that you both might like and get just as turned on by it (see my article: Getting to Know Your Own and Your Partner's Sexual Brakes and Accelerators).

Developing Erotic Empathy

• Get to Know Your Own and Your Partner's Sexual Turn-offs: Sexual turn-offs can change to turn-ons for some people after they give it a try.  But if not, you each need to respect the other's wishes. So, for instance, if you know you need a little time to decompress after coming home from a stressful day at work, let your partner know this. Be as specific as you can about what you need so your partner will understand. In the same vein, learn to appreciate your partner's needs. Be aware that stress can be a libido killer, so take steps to reduce stress.

• Learn to Experiment and Develop a Willingness to Try New Sexual Activities: As long as it's not a complete turn-off, try to learn to be sexually explorative for sexual activities you and your partner can try. Sometimes you might discover you don't like a particular activity, but at other times you might discover something else that's new to add to your sexual repertoire.

• Know That Discrepancies in Libido Are Normal: You wouldn't expect that you and your partner would always like the same food or the same hobbies, so why would you expect that you would both enjoy the same sexual activities in bed?  Discrepancies in libido are the #1 problem that people in relationships seek help with in sex therapy because one or both partners are unhappy with either the frequency, duration or type of sex they're having. But discrepancies in libido are normal, and you can learn to negotiate these differences with help from a sex therapist (see my article: What is a Sexual Libido Discrepancy in a Relationship?).

• Learn the Difference Between Spontaneous Sexual Desire and Responsive Sexual Desire: Both men and women can experience spontaneous sexual desire or responsive sexual desire. With spontaneous sexual desire, a person can think about sex and get turned on. With responsive sexual desire, a person might have to start having sex to get turned on, but they know from personal experience that once they start having sex, they will get sexually aroused. So, it's important to know how you and your partner each experience sexual desire. If you're the person who tends to experience responsive desire, rather than saying "no" when your partner wants to have sex because you're not immediately turned on, you can explore your own willingness to allow yourself to get sexually aroused after you begin having sex. And if you're the partner who experiences spontaneous desire, you can learn to be patient and allow your partner's sexual desire to build (see my article: For People Who Experience Responsive Sexual Desire, a Willingness to Start Having Sex is Often Enough to Get Sexually Aroused).

• Get Help in Sex Therapy: If you have tried to work on sexual problems on your own and you haven't been successful, you can seek help in sex therapy.  Most individual therapists and couples therapists aren't trained to deal with sexual problems, so you need to seek help specifically from a sex therapist for sexual problems.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

Many individual adults and couples seek help in sex therapy for a variety of issues (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

There is no nudity, physical exams or sex during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a skilled sex therapist so you can have a more fulfilling sex life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How Does "Old School" Dating Compare to Contemporary Dating?

I think many people would agree that a lot of the "old school" dating traditions from our parents' and grandparents' time would be considered outdated today (see my article: The Traditional Flirting Style).

Dating Etiquette in the Past and Now

But given how difficult it is for people to meet in large cities like New York once they're out of college these days, maybe it's time to revisit some old school dating traditions that were tossed out after dating apps became such a common way of dating (see my article: Dating: Why Some People Prefer to Text on Dating Apps Instead of Meeting in Person).

"Old School" Dating Traditions That Are Considered Outdated Now

What's considered outdated is dependent upon your personal perspective, so I have no doubt that some people will disagree that these traditions are outdated, but let's take a look at what they are:

• The Man Always Initiated Contact: Although it's still mostly men who initiate contact, women also initiate contact now as part of heterosexual dating. Most people wouldn't lift an eyebrow if a woman initiated a conversation with a man.  These days women aren't relegated to the sidelines in a passive position waiting for the man to make the first move.  And, in my opinion, this is a good thing for both men and women.

• People Went Out on a Date With a Chaperone: In my grandmother's time, a young woman wouldn't even think of going out with a young man unless they were accompanied by a chaperone or two.  Actually, in my grandmother's time, there would be a bunch of relatives from the woman's family walking right behind the couple. Think of the scene from Godfather II when Michael Corleone and Appolonia Vitelli took a walk in her Sicilian neighborhood with her relatives walking right behind her to keep an eye on things.  The idea was a young woman's reputation was at stake if she was alone with a man.  Most people wouldn't be happy with that tradition today.  

• The Man Always Planned Dates: Some women still prefer men to do all the planning for a date, but I think most women don't want to be in the passive position of going along with whatever the man comes up with for their date. Maybe this made sense in the old days when women were much sheltered at home, they didn't get out much and they went from living in their parents' home to their husband's home.  But women these days move out of their parents' home as soon as they're financially able to do so and they have their own money because they work.  In fact, many women are much better date planners than men, so it's not unusual for women to plan at least some of the dates--if not all.  The downside to this is that, if women end up planning all the couple's social events, they're the ones who carry the mental load for this, which is a complaint many women in relationships have these days. 

• The Man Always Paid the Bill: I think this tradition developed years ago because a lot of women didn't work, so they didn't have money to pay for dates.  They might have had a little "mad money" in case they had to take a cab home, but that was usually the extent of it.  Once again, there are divergent views about this. Some people still think men should always pay.  Other people think the man and woman should split the bill. Others feel the man should pay for the first date and then split the bill after the first date.  Some others think the man and woman should take turns paying if they both earn about the same amount. This can be awkward when the the waiter brings the check on the first date, but most people work it out.  

• Women Always Followed the Man's Lead With Regard to Conversations: In my grandmother's day, women were expected to be demur and polite so they let the man lead the conversation.  Serious conversations about marriage, children and sex were considered mostly out of the question on a first date. At the same time, people didn't have as many options as they do now in terms of the type of relationships (e.g., monogamous vs consensual nonmonogamy and everything in between).  So, there's a lot more to talk in terms of what each person is looking for and no one wants to waste time. It seems that people have done a complete 180 degrees in this area where some people bring a list of 38 questions to go over on the first date, like it's a job interview, which can be overwhelming and not fun for anyone. Most people seem to strike a balance on a first date between small talk and finding out about core values.

• Women Didn't Allow Men to Kiss Them on the First Date: This was a pretty strict rule in my grandmother's time. That's not to say that everyone followed it.  It was understood that the man might try, but the woman was supposed to be the
  sexual gatekeeper".  Today it's a matter of personal choice regarding everything from a kiss at the end of the first date to having sex on the first date.  No woman or man should ever feel obligated, and both men and women are more aware of getting consent first (see my article: How to Make Consent Fun).

Dating Etiquette: Consent is Important and Can Be Fun

• Women Played "Hard to Get" Until a Man Made His Intentions Clear: The idea behind this tactic was that a woman would seem more desirable to a man if she was coy and aloof. This was probably acceptable years ago because it gave women some sense of control in dating situations where men were mostly in control. But this also assumed that the only "bargaining power" a woman had years ago was her "virginity" so she needed to hold back for as long as possible or, at least, until marriage (see my article: What Are the Underlying Issues in the Cat and Mouse Game?). While the idea of waiting to have sex until after marriage is mostly considered outdated these days, it's a matter of personal choice: Many women still prefer waiting to have sex until they feel comfortable with a man. Others have no problem hooking up on the first date. There's no right or wrong, as far as I'm concerned. The point is that women have more options today than in my grandmother's time. More options can also add more complexity since things aren't as clear cut these days.  It's also true that attraction plus obstacles is exciting even today, as Sex Therapist Dr. Jack Morin stated in his book, The Erotic Mind. So, some obstacles at the beginning can be more sexually alluring. 

"Old School" Dating Traditions That Might Be Good to Bring Back

Once again, in terms of "old school" dating traditions, each person has to decide on their own what's best for them, but here are a few traditions that might be appealing to some people who are fed up with the current dating scene:

• Use Your Phone to Ask For a Date: Texting is okay for brief communication on logistics, but when it comes to asking someone out on a date, there are often miscommunications with texting--no matter how many emojis you use.  Sure, it's convenient, but you can't hear tone and you can't hear a smile in someone's voice.  

Dating Etiquette in the Past and Now

• Meet People in Person, If Possible: People in their 20s and even early 30s might not remember a time when people met in person once they graduated college because they only have ever experienced dating through dating apps.  It's not that people today never meet in person--they do. But the older you get, the more difficult it is to meet people in person these days. Aside from meeting new people through friends, which becomes harder once you're in your mid-to-late 30s or 40s (once most of your friends are married), most people meet through dating apps which is often a disappointing experience, especially if you live in a big city like New York where the feeling is that someone better is just a swipe away on the app.  It's true there are still private parties, if you're lucky enough to be on private party lists; work situations, if dating colleagues isn't frowned upon at work; and meeting at organized events. But I hear many single people complain that they would much rather meet in person than choosing people based on their dating app profiles, but there aren't as many opportunities as there used to be. So, this seems like a change that could be beneficial.  The people who prefer to meet on apps could still do that and the people who prefer to meet in person would have more in-person opportunities.

• Be Considerate and Respectful: There were always some people who weren't polite when people met in person, but most people developed better social skills. Part of this was probably that they had more practice interacting with people in person instead of in such an impersonal way online.  There hardly ever such a thing as being ghosted or, at least, it wasn't as common as it is today. Again this was probably because the consequences of ignoring people in person was greater, since you would see them again, as compared to the anonymity that dating apps provides.  

• Know You're on a Date as Opposed to Just "Hanging Out": There's something refreshing about someone--whether it's the man or woman--saying they would like to go out on a date instead of being vague and asking the other person to "hang out." It's understandable that sometimes you might not be sure how interested you are in the other person, but that's what dating is about--finding out how interested you are in each other.  There's a risk that you might be rejected if you acknowledge you're attracted to the other person, but it makes things a lot clearer from the beginning rather than each person wondering or misunderstanding the intention of seeing each other.

• Spend as Much Time Finding Out About Your Date as You Do Talking About Yourself: As mentioned previously, men were expected to take the lead conversing in the old days. Since women were expected to be much more demur, they probably said a lot less about themselves.  But these days, it's a good idea not monopolize the conversation with details of your life and to show interest in your date by asking appropriate questions.

• Putting Your Phone Away During the Date: It's rude to have a phone on the table--except if you're expecting an urgent call.  Put your phone away. At the very least, turn it off and put it face down, but off the table is best. This way you can pay attention and remain attuned to your date without getting distracted.  

Dating Etiquette: Turn Off and Put Away Your Phone

Making Personal Choices

The dating world is much more flexible now than it used to be, which also makes it a lot more complex because there aren't explicit rules. 

Even if you just want to date casually, being polite and considerate will usually make things go more smoothly.  

Treating people like you want to be treated is still a good tradition to follow.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.