Understanding the Connection Between Your Personality Type and Your Choice of a Romantic Partner

In her book Why Him? Why Her? Understanding Your Personality Type and Finding the Perfect Match, Dr. Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist and leading expert on romantic love, writes that there is a strong connection between your personality type and love.  

She posits that your personality influences how you select a romantic partner.

The Connection Between Personality and Romance

Before delving further into this topic, let's define what we mean by the word "personality."

What is Personality?

Personality is made up of your character and your temperament.  

    Character:

Your character is formed based on your experiences, including:

• Your family values and interests
• How your family expressed love and hate
• How your family/community interacted, had fun, relaxed and so on

    Temperament:

Your temperament is made up of biological factors, which you inherit, and develop early on including patterns of how you:

• Think
• Feel
• Behave

            Includes:

•     Curiosity
•     Creativity
•     Novelty seeking
•     Compassion
•     Cautiousness
•     Competitiveness, and so on

According to Dr. Fisher, in recent years scientists who study human behavior have discovered that groups of interacting genes influence behavior and they act together to form behavior syndromes.

Dr. Fisher provides an example of someone who is biologically predisposed to novelty seeking.  Typically, that person would be curious, creative, energetic, spontaneous, and risk taking.

Alternatively, if your personality is more traditional, you would be loyal, cautious, respecting of authority and like to plan and make schedules.

According to Dr. Fisher, the constellation of these biological traits form personality types.

The 4 Personality Types

Dr. Fisher identifies four broad personality types:

• Explorer
• Negotiator
• Builder
• Director

Each of these personality types has unique characteristics and dominant chemistry:

Explorer (Dopamine):

• Energetic
• Curious
• Creative
• Resilient
• Enthusiastic with different interests, including sensation seeking

Negotiator (Estrogen):

• Imaginative
• Compassionate
• Interested in the big picture
• Enjoy large, ambiguous issues and ideas

Builder (Serotonin)

• Trustworthy
• Dependable
• Stable
• Loyal
• Down-to-earth common sense

Director (Testostorone)

• Analytical
• Independent thinker
• Interested in how things work
• A grasp for patterns and sees many sides of complex issues

Most personalities are made up of a combination of all four types with certain types more prevalent than others.  

Dr. Fisher indicates that, although all parts of your personality are important, the two personality types that are the strongest for you are the most important. 

You could be any combination of personality types.  

For instance, based on her personality test, your most dominant feature might be the Negotiator type and the secondary might be Explorer.  Or, you could be a combination of Director/Explorer, and so on.

The Connection Between Personality Type and Romantic Choices

Based on her research, Dr. Fisher indicates that these features, which make up your personality type, are relevant to your choice of a romantic partner.  

The Connection Between Personality and Romance

In this system, there are no bad combinations, but certain combinations work better than others.  

For instance, her personality test indicates that someone who scores high as a Negotiator would do well with someone who is a Director.  However, a Negotiator could do well with a Builder or an Explorer, but there might be certain compromises that would need to be made.

The Impact of Life Experiences

Aside from personality type, significant life experiences also affect how you think, feel and behave.  

So, for instance, early life experiences affect how open or trusting you are with regard to being in a relationship.  

Similarly, if you have had negative experiences with prior relationships, this can also affect how you think, feel and behave, especially with regard to potential partners.  This would include your attachment style (see my article: What is Your Attachment Style?).

Is It Lust or Love?

It's very easy to confuse lust with love (see my article: Relationships: Confusing Sexual Attraction With Love).

The Connection Between Personality and Romance

When you're in the Limerence Phase of a relationship (also known as the Honeymoon Phase), feelings can be so strong that it's hard to distinguish love and lust.

Most of the time, you need to be patient and see how things unfold to differentiate love and lust.

There are signs you can detect to know the difference (see my article: 7 Signs Your Relationship is Based on Lust and Not Love).

Can Lust Turn Into Love?

According to scientists who study lust and love, lust can turn into love, but it doesn't always happen and when it happens, it doesn't always happen for both people.

Dr. Fisher states that romance can be broken down into three categories with the following chemicals:

• Lust:  testosterone and estrogen
• Attraction: dopamine, norepinephrine, serotonin
• Attachment: oxytocin, vasopressin

Lust is driven by the a desire for sex.  

Attraction is closely related to lust, but while lust tends to be focused mostly on the exterior, sexual attraction tends to be about the whole person.  You can be attracted to someone you desire sexually and vice versa.  This is part of the reason why the first stage of a relationship can be so exhilarating--and confusing. 

Attachment is involved in relationships with family, friends and lovers.  People in long term relationships can still experience lust and attraction, but the dominant feature in committed relationships is attachment (see my article: The 5 Stages of Love - From Attraction to Commitment).

If you're in a Friends With Benefits (FWB) situation and you realize you're developing feelings that are more than just sexual, you owe it to yourself and your FWB partner to be honest and let them know to avoid misunderstandings and hurt feelings.

5 Signs It's Love

• You're attraction includes an emotional connection and, for some people, even a spiritual connection.

• You share the most important parts of your life with your partner.

• You imagine a long term future with them.

• You look forward to or enjoy meeting their family and friends.

• You and your partner are invested in putting the time and effort to making the relationship work.

Conclusion

Your personality type, attachment style and history can affect your choice of a romantic partner.

Distinguishing love from lust, attraction and love can be tricky, but there are signs that can guide you, as discussed above.

Lust can turn into love, but it doesn't always happen and, when it happens, it doesn't always happen for both people involved, so honest communication is important.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex-positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.