Relationships: How You Feel About Yourself Can Affect Whether of Not You're Attracted to Your Partner

In my prior article, Relationships: What is Attraction?, I discussed the conscious and unconscious aspects of attraction as it relates to relationships.

In the current article, I'm focusing on how a partner's intolerable feelings of inadequacy can result in the unconscious projection of negative feelings onto the other partner (see my article: Are You Projecting Your Negative Feelings About Yourself Onto Your Partner?).

Projections often don't occur until after the early stage of a relationship when the relationship becomes more emotionally intimate and the partner, who uses projection, feels more emotionally vulnerable (see my article: Romantic Attractions: What Are the 3 Stages of Limerence?).

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases with all identifying information removed, illustrates how an inability to tolerate negative feelings about oneself can lead to the use of projection:

Jack and Carla:

When Jack and Carla first met in college, they were immediately drawn to one another physically, romantically, emotionally and sexually, and they each felt they had never experienced so much love for anyone else.

Projection and Loss of Sexual Attraction in Relationships

They got married a year later with both of them still feeling so in love and lucky to have found each other.  But their problems began a few months after they got married and moved in together.

Although they had a great sex life before they got married, after they got married Jack gradually lost interest in sex and Carla yearned for their former passionate sex life (see my article: What is Sexual Desire Discrepancy in Relationships?).

After six months of no sex, Jack blamed Carla for his lack of sexual desire.  He told her that he no longer felt attracted to her because she wore sweatpants in their apartment, and he thought this made her look unattractive.

At first, Carla thought Jack was joking, but she quickly realized he was serious and she was in a state of disbelief.

She knew she didn't look different from how she looked before they got married, but she acquiesced to his wishes and stopped wearing sweatpants. Instead, she made sure she was dressed in a nice top and slacks when she was at home and she wore sexy lingerie at night to be more attractive to him.  

But Jack told her that he still didn't feel attracted to her and he blamed the cellulite on the back of her legs for making her look unattractive.  

Carla felt deeply hurt. She told him that he had never complained about the cellulite before, but Jack brushed off her comment by saying, "I can't help it. That's how I feel."

After a year of no sex, Carla suggested they see a sex therapist to work out their problems.  Initially Jack didn't want to attend sex therapy, but he eventually agreed to go.  He hoped the sex therapist would see things his way. 

After the initial consultation where she met with Carla and Jack together, the sex therapist met with each of them separately to get their individual family, relationship and sexual histories.

Carla's family history revealed that she came from an intact stable family. She was the middle child of three children.  Her parents had a loving relationship, and Carla felt loved by her parents and siblings. The only notable trauma in the family was when Carla's father's business failed and the family suffered from a financial downturn for several months until the father took a job as a chief financial officer in a large corporation.  

Prior to her relationship with Jack, Carla had one other serious relationship while she was in college with her classmate, Bill.  They were together for two years and they mutually agreed to end their relationship in an amicable manner.

With regard to Carla's sexual history, she had a few casual sexual encounters while she was in college and she had no history of sexual trauma.

Jack's family history was tumultuous. He was an only child, and his parents had separated and gotten back together several times during Jack's childhood due to the father's infidelity.  Both parents were highly critical of Jack and he grew up with a lot of shame. In addition, their financial situation tended to be precarious.  

With regard to his relationships prior to Carla, Jack had been in two short term relationships which started out sexually passionate and fizzled out after a few months.  He told the therapist that he tended to get bored with his girlfriends and lose interest.

During his last year of high school and until he began seeing Carla in college, Jack had many brief casual sexual encounters.  He denied any sexual trauma.

During their sex therapy sessions, Jack spoke about how his attraction for Carla waned soon after they got married.  He believed that if it was possible for her to have a medical procedure to remove the cellulite, he would feel attracted to her again.

Objectively, the sex therapist could see that both Jack and Carla were attractive people and she didn't believe cellulite had anything to do with Jack's lack of sexual interest in Carla.  

The sex therapist suspected that Jack was unconsciously projecting his own feelings of low self worth, which originated in childhood, onto Carla. She was also aware that Jack had no awareness of this because he was doing it unconsciously.

As they discussed sexual attraction, the therapist provided Jack and Carla with psychoeducation about the different types of attraction.

She also had individual sessions with Jack and Carla.  During the individual sessions with Jack, she broached the topic of projection as a defense mechanism.  But Jack was adamant that projection had nothing to do with how he felt toward Carla.

During the next several months Jack threatened to stop attending sex therapy whenever the therapist tried to help him to make a connection between how he was treated as a child and how he was treating Carla.  He refused to see the connection.

Gradually, after a couple of years, Jack developed a more trusting therapeutic relationship with the sex therapist so he could open up more to explore his inner world of longstanding disavowed shame.  

Over time, he was able to look at Carla more objectively and see that she was actually a very attractive and desirable woman and that he was, in fact, projecting his own feelings of inadequacy onto Carla.  

That's when Jack sought help in individual therapy to work on his unresolved trauma and shame. Over time, he learned to contain and work through his feelings without projecting them onto Carla. 

Carla remained patient, and she also sought help in her own individual therapy to deal with Jack's hurtful criticism about her body.  At one point, she talked to her individual therapist about the possibility of ending the marriage, but when she saw Jack making progress, she decided to stay.

Once Jack acknowledged he was projecting his own feelings of inadequacy onto Carla, this allowed the sex therapist to focus on helping the couple to revive their sex life.

Sex Therapy Can Help Couples to Revive Their Sex Life Together

Their sex therapist gave them homework assignments to help them develop greater emotional land sexual intimacy.  

Conclusion

Projection is an unconscious defense mechanism that people who have unresolved childhood trauma often use with their partners.  

The fact that it is unconscious makes it difficult for people to see and acknowledge what they're doing. 

In addition, they often have difficulty trusting the therapist when she points out how they use projection with their partner.

Projection is used as a way of pushing unwanted and disavowed trauma-related feelings onto a partner.

When projections are used, they are often used after the initial limerence phase of the relationship when the couple's emotional and sexual intimacy increases and the partner, who uses projection, feels too emotionally vulnerable in the relationship.

Since vulnerability is essential to developing greater emotional and sexual intimacy in a relationship, the partner who uses projection needs to be willing to develop self awareness, stop using projection, and find other ways to cope and overcome disavowed feelings in order for the relationship to improve (see my article: Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Emotional and Sexual Intimacy).

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Couples stop having sex for varied and complex reasons.

Sex therapy, which is a form of talk therapy, can help (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Individual adults and couples attend sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

There is no nudity, physical exams or sex during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

If you have unresolved sexual problems, you could benefit from getting help in sex therapy to have a more fulfilling sex life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex-positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: What is Attraction?

Attraction plays an essential role in all relationships whether they are romantic, platonic or collegial.

What is Attraction?

When you understand why you're attracted (or not) to others, including your spouse or partner, you can gain a deeper understanding into how you form connections and develop relationships.

What is Attraction?

There are conscious and unconscious aspects to attractions.

Usually people think of attraction as meaning only physical attraction.  But that's only one aspect of attraction and, although it's important, it's a superficial aspect.

What is Attraction?

Attraction is complex, so there is no one-size-fits all definition for attraction.  

Attraction can vary over time. In other words, certain experiences can influence your attractions.

For instance, you might meet someone and feel attracted to them, but that initial feeling of attraction can disappear quickly after you speak to them and you see them in a negative light based on your conversation. 

What is Attraction?

Similarly, you might meet someone and you're not attracted to them initially, but once. you get to know them, you might feel drawn to them. Maybe you discover personality traits, common interests or other things that make you feel attracted to them.

What Are the Different Types of Attraction?

As previously mentioned, attraction is a complex combination of conscious and unconscious factors. 

There are many different types of attractions, including but not limited to:

• Physical Attraction: A desire for physical connection but not necessarily sexual or romantic connection

• Sexual Attraction: A desire for intimate, sexual contact but not necessarily any other type of attraction

• Emotional Attraction: A desire for emotional contact but not necessarily sexual or physical contact

• Romantic Attraction: A desire that can include physical, emotional or sexual attraction

• Aesthetic Attraction: An admiration for someone's appearance without necessarily feeling any other type of attraction to that person

How Do Your Feelings About Yourself Contribute to Your Attractions in an Unconscious Way?

The use of projection is an unconscious defense mechanism that forms early in life.

An example of unconsciously projecting your feelings about yourself onto someone else is when you don't feel good about yourself and you project your feelings about yourself onto someone else (see my article: Are You Projecting Your Negative Feelings About Yourself Onto Your Spouse?).

Projecting Unconscious Feelings About Yourself onto Your Partner

Using projection as a defense mechanism is common in relationships of all types, especially in long term committed relationships.  

This usually occurs when someone finds their own feelings of shame or inadequacy too difficult to contain so they project these feelings onto their partner.

When this occurs, someone might mistakenly assume that they're no longer attracted to their partner when, in reality, it's about their own intolerable feelings him or herself.

Why is it Important For You to Understand How You Experience Attractions?

Understanding how and why you experience certain attractions is an important part of developing self awareness about how you develop and maintain healthy relationships, including long term relationships (see my article: Relationships Skills: How to Develop Self Awareness).

In addition, if you know your attractions tend to lead to unhealthy relationships, you can develop better self awareness to help you to set healthier boundaries (see my article: Are You Attracted to People Who Hurt You?).

In addition, as previously mentioned, when projection is used as an unconscious defense mechanism to project negative feelings onto a partner, understanding this dynamic is often key to saving an otherwise good relationship.

See My Next Article

Relationships: How Projecting One's Feelings of Inadequacy onto a Partner Can Result in Lack of Attraction.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you have been struggling with unresolved problems, you could benefit from getting help in therapy.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to overcome the obstacles that are getting in the way of your leading a more fulfilling life, so rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

It's Common and Normal to Have Fantasies

In prior articles, I've discussed many different aspects of romantic and sexual fantasies (see my articles: The 7 Core Sexual Fantasies and Exploring and Normalizing Sexual Fantasies Without Guilt or Shame).

Fantasies Are Common and Normal

The current article focuses on how and why sexual fantasies are normal and common.  

What Are Fantasies?

There are many definitions for fantasies.  

Basically, fantasies are imaginary scenarios that people play out in their mind.  Sometimes these fantasies are new or recurring scenarios and/or they might be based on memories.

Many fantasies are never acted upon, but they can still be enjoyed in your mind.

In general, fantasies can be about anything, including but not limited to:

• Imagining winning the lottery
• Thinking about what it would be like to be famous
• Imagining what it would be like to travel around the world
• Imagining being someone else--either someone you know in real life or a character in a TV program, movie or book
• Imagining having certain super powers
• Having thoughts about having an affair you have no intention of doing real life
• Imagining being in a more interesting job
• Entertaining yourself while you're bored
• Playing with "what if...." scenarios in your mind: "What if he likes me the way I like him?" or "What if I accept that new job offer?" or "What if I take a risk?"
• Imagining what you would do in a worst case scenario as a form of mental rehearsal
• Imagining what you might have said or might say to someone in a conversation
• Imagining how you'll feel if you accomplish a goal that's important to you
• Having thoughts about what your life might be like under different circumstances

And so on.

What Are the Benefits of Fantasizing?

In general, there can be many benefits to having fantasies whether they are enacted or not.

Fantasies Are Common and Normal

Here are just a few:

• Helping you to get to know yourself better by seeing yourself in new and unfamiliar situations
• Helping you to see alternatives to the way you are now
• Coming up with creative solutions to problems
• Using a fantasy as a mental rehearsal before acting on it in real life
• Acting as a compensatory wish you derive satisfaction from--even though you won't do it in real life
• Boosting your mood
• Getting yourself out of a rut
• Becoming open to new experiences
• Providing you with a temporary escape from your current situation
• Energizing you mentally, emotionally and physically

Why Are Some People Afraid of Their Fantasies?

From an early age, many people are taught (implicitly or explicitly) that fantasizing, in general, is wrong.

For instance, young students are often scolded for not paying attention in class if they're daydreaming.  And, although it's important that students learn their lessons in class, it's also important for young minds to explore and create in their fantasies.  After all, play--whether it's children's play or adult play--is about being creative.

Many people are taught at a young age that having daydreams and fantasies are a waste of time.  They're taught that actively doing is more important than imagining. 

While it's true that if you only daydream about your hopes and dreams and never do anything to bring them to fruition you won't get very far, the seeds of creative ideas often begin with a daydream or fantasy that can be the start of fulfilling your dreams.

Why Are Some People Afraid Specifically of Their Sexual Fantasies?

Having sexual fantasies is common and normal as I have been reiterating.  In fact, research on sexual fantasies has revealed that 3 out of 4 people have sexual fantasies.

So, if sexual fantasies are common, why are some people uncomfortable with the idea of them?

Discomfort and fear of sexual fantasies are often based on certain religious, cultural or familial prohibitions that indicate that sex in general shouldn't even be thought about--much less engaged in--before marriage.  

However, these prohibitions can have a lasting effect.  For many people it's not like flipping a switch after they get married to suddenly feel comfortable with sex and sexual fantasies.  They might still have a vague feeling that it's wrong.

For many people sexual fantasies can cause fear, confusion, anxiety, guilt, shame and ambivalence.  On a certain level, some people might enjoy a sexual fantasy--even one they have no intention of carrying out--but on another level they feel bad about it.

On the other hand, other people find it exciting to engage in sexual fantasies that are taboo, so it depends on the individual (see my article: A Cornertone of Eroticism: Violating Prohibitions By Breaking the Rules).

What Are the Benefits of Sexual Fantasies?

As mentioned earlier, fantasies are normal and common.

The mind is creative and exploratory, so having fantasies, sexual or otherwise, is one way that people can satisfy their needs and wants.

Fantasies Are Common and Normal

People have sexual fantasies regardless of gender, sex, sexual orientation, age, race, marital status, ability/disability or other factors.

Sexual fantasies often help to promote sexual arousal.  

For instance, if you and your partner have scheduled time to have sex in a few days, having fantasies about it can help to build sexual anticipation and excitement (see my article: Creating Sexual Desire Using the Sex Drive Simmer Technique and Anticipation and Longing as an Erotic Aphrodisiac).

Sexual fantasies can also help to boost sexual confidence in many ways, including having a fantasy of being able to initiate and enjoy sex.

Should You Share Your Sexual Fantasies With Your Partner?

Sharing a sexual fantasies with a partner can be empowering and fun if your partner is open to talking about fantasies.

Typically, sharing sexual fantasies can strengthen the bond between partners.  

However, if your partner tends to be judgmental or unsure, it could have the opposite effect.

Sometimes the problem is with the word "fantasy" so, instead, you can ask what your partner might be curious about sexually (see my article: Substituting the Words "What's Your Fantasy?" With "What Are You Sexually Curious About?").

What Can You Do and Your Partner Aren't on the Same Wavelength About Sexual Fantasies?

Some people like sharing their fantasies with their partner and others like to keep it private.  

If you do want to share your sexual fantasies, be aware that it's not unusual for individuals in a relationship to have differences when it comes to sexual fantasies.

Just like anything else, including the kinds of food you each like, sexual fantasies can be unique for each person.  

What one person enjoys, the other person might not.  Or one of you might have a rich sexual fantasy life and the other might not be comfortable with sexual fantasies at all.

Others might want to talk about their fantasies, but they don't know how (see my article: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1) and Part 2).

If you feel the differences between you and your partner are getting in the way of having a pleasurable sex life, these differences can often be negotiated and worked out in sex therapy.  

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy for individuals and couples (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

People seek help in sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

There is no physical exam, nudity or sex during a sex therapy session (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

If you're struggling with sexual issues, you could benefit from seeking help in sex therapy to have a more fulfilling sex life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Are You in a Relationship With Someone Who Has a Dark Triad Personality?

If your relationship started out well but now you're seeing toxic personality traits in your partner, you might be in a relationship with someone who has a Dark Triad Personality.

The Dark Triad Personality

The Dark Triad psychological theory was originally proposed in 2002 by researchers Kevin Williams and Delroy Paulus who identified three malevolent personality traits:

• Narcissism

• Psychopathy

• Machiavellianism

Any one of these traits would be difficult in a relationship, but the combination of all three traits in the Dark Triad Personality make them especially challenging.

So, let's look at each one separately:

• Narcissism:
• A need for admiration and attention
• A sense of entitlement
• Arrogance
• A lack of empathy for others
• Manipulation and exploitation of others for their own gain
• Feeling like they're the "victim" when they are the ones who victimize others
• Criticizing others
• Envying others or believing others envy them
• Expecting special treatment

• Psychopathy: There are two types of psychopathy: Primary psychopathy and secondary psychopathy (psychopathy should not be confused with psychosis).

• Primary Psychopathy:
• Cold
• Callus
• Manipulative
• Often successful
• No remorse or guilt for the negative impact they have on others

• Secondary Psychopathy:
• Impulsive risk taker with bad results
• Usually unsuccessful

• Machiavellianism: 
• Cunning
• Deceitful
• Acting only in their own self interest
• Lacking empathy for others

How Do You Know If You're With Someone Who Has a Dark Triad Personality?

People who have a Dark Triad personality are very good at masking their negative qualities so you don't see it at first.  They often use their charm to disarm people until they get what they want.

Both men and women can have a Dark Triad Personality.  

A typical example is the man who is a "player" or "F-Boy" (see my articles: Understanding the Underlying Emotional Dynamics of Players - Part 1 and Part 2).

The combination of the following characteristics might indicate you're with someone who has a Dark Triad Personality:

• They're Usually Successful:  Assuming they have primary psychopathy, they usually know how to succeed by selfishly putting their own interests first--often at the expense of others. In addition to whatever skills and talent they might possess, they know how to use charisma (and possibly good looks) to manipulate the right people who can help them to get ahead.  Then, they often discard those people because they're no longer useful to them. It's not unusual for them to engage in unethical or illegal behavior once they have succeeded.  

• They Often Have Problems With Anger Management: They might not explode in front of their boss because that could ruin their chance for success, but they might unleash their rage and impulsivity at you behind closed doors. 

• They Have a Hard Time Maintaining a Long Term Relationship: They usually have a string of brief relationships.  They might be in a relationship for a few years or more if they find partners with low self esteem who are willing to put up with their bad behavior (e.g., cheating, lying and so on).  Also, when they're in a relationship, they have no sense of shame or guilt about lying and cheating (see my article: What Are the 12 Telltale Signs You're With a Womanizer).

• They're Cold Towards Others: While they're trying to get what they want, whether it's a sexual conquest or a job promotion, they know how to manipulate by appearing as if they're kind, friendly and agreeable, but this is only a means to an end. Once they've gotten what they want, they're cold and unfeeling.

• They Engage in Impulsive and Risky Behavior: For people with primary psychopathy, the risky and impulsive behavior often pays off because they usually have good instincts--but this is not the case for people with secondary psychopathy.  People with secondary psychopathy often take big risks and get small or no rewards.

• They Don't Have Morals, Ethics and Empathy: People with a Dark Triad Personality will lie, cheat and manipulate to get what they want and not think about the impact on others because they don't care. They're lacking in morals, ethics and empathy. They only care to the extent that it might get in the way of what they want.

• They Bully Others: They might engage in verbal, emotional or physical abuse to get what they want. Their objective is to gain power over others.

Next Article: In my next article, I'll give tips on how to handle a Dark Triad personality.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

                

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How Mindfulness and Self Compassion Can Help With Body Acceptance

I began a discussion about the challenges of having a negative body image in a prior article (see my article: Is a Negative Body Image Ruining Your Sex Life?). 

In the current article I'm focusing on how mindfulness and self compassion can help with body acceptance.

Mindfulness and Self Compassion Help With Body Acceptance

How Western Culture Perpetuates Women's Body Shame

Women are bombarded with messages on social media, TV, the movies and magazines about how their bodies should look.  

When women feel their bodies don't conform to these images, they feel ashamed of their bodies. This also affects sense of self worth and how they interact in relationships. 

Helpful Tips:

The following tips can be helpful in the process of going from a negative body image to body acceptance:

• Stop Comparing Yourself to Other Women Who Have "Perfect" Bodies: Obviously, there's no such thing as a "perfect" body.  But you might have an ideal image you're comparing yourself to when you look at other people.  Instead of comparing your body to the bodies you see at the gym, on social media or in other places, find aspects of your body that you like.  Western culture gives subtle and not so subtle messages that women should compare themselves unfavorably to other women.  This is a form of misogynistic manipulation that keeps women competing instead of supporting each other.

• Become Aware of Who Cashes In ($$$) On Your Negative Body Image: Fatphobia,  the stigmatization of weight gain and the idealization of thinness keep women feeling insecure about their bodies and makes them easy marketing targets in a capitalistic society. Ask yourself who benefits from your negative beliefs about your body.  There are plenty of industries, including the fitness and diet industries, that cash in on women feeling ashamed of their bodies. They often foster unrealistic expectations to keep women feeling insecure and willing to buy their products and services in an effort to have the "ideal body."

• Become Aware of the Intergenerational Impact of a Negative Body Image:  The messages about body image are so pervasive that it's difficult not to internalize them. Once you have accepted these negative messages that your body should look a certain way, these beliefs perpetuate themselves and become an intergenerational problem where mothers can unconsciously pass them on to their daughters. As a result, that the trauma continues from one generation to the next. Make a commitment to let is stop with you.

• Find Ways to Enjoy and Appreciate Your Body As It Is: If you look at yourself in the mirror, can you find at least one thing that you like about yourself? Find inspiration by focusing on the things your body can do instead of how your body looks.  Even if you are differently abled or have certain limitations, you can find ways to appreciate your body as it is.  For instance, learn to appreciate that your body is able to pump thousands of barrels of blood throughout your lifetime.  Similarly, think about how amazing it is that body has millions of cells interacting with each other everyday to keep you healthy.

• Be As Compassionate to Yourself As You Would Be to a Close Friend: Practice being kind and compassionate to yourself in the same way you would be to a close friend. Show particular kindness to the parts of your body that you don't like. For instance, if you don't like your abdomen, be kind to it by giving it a gentle massage with your favorite lotion after a shower.  In this way you can tend and befriend your body just the way it is right now.

How Mindfulness Can Help With Body Acceptance: If you want to overcome a negative body image, you can learn to use mindfulness to become more aware of how you're continuing to give yourself negative messages and learn to let go of these thoughts.

Mindfulness and Self Compassion Help With Body Acceptance

Mindfulness is a state of awareness you can use so you can become aware of the negative messages you give to yourself about your body. 

To begin your mindfulness practice:

• Get into a relaxed state in a private quiet place by slowing down your breathing (see my article: How to Practice Square Breathing).

• Become aware of the thoughts going through your mind and whenever you have a negative thought about your body (or anything else about yourself), imagine you're putting each negative thought on a cloud and watching it float away.

• Don't criticize yourself for having negative thoughts about your body.  Instead, be compassionate and gently let each thought go.

Body Acceptance is a Process

Body acceptance probably won't help overnight, but if you keep practicing mindfulness and self compassion, you can begin to let go of the negative messages you give yourself and learn to accept and appreciate your body as it is.

Body Acceptance is a Process

This article focused on women.  However, many men also suffer from body image problems and the tips offered in this article can be helpful to them too.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What is Sexual Self Awareness?

In her book, Taking Sexy Back - How to Own Your Sexuality & Create the Relationships You Want, psychotherapist and relationship expert Dr. Alexandra Solomon discusses relational self awareness and a component of relational self awareness, which is sexual self awareness (see my article: Why is Self Awareness So Important to You as an Individual and in Your Relationship?).

What is Sexual Self Awareness?

What is Relational Self Awareness?

According to Dr. Solomon, relational self awareness includes:

• Self Reflection
• Self Knowledge
• Sexual Awareness
• Self Expression
• Self Expansion

Relational self awareness involves a paradigm shift from focusing on finding the "right person" to focusing on yourself and becoming the "right person."

Instead of focusing outward, you focus inward in a curious and compassionate way, and by focusing on yourself you can create a healthy relationship with yourself.

In addition, you can discover your strengths, challenges and blind spots.

What is Sexual Self Awareness?

Sexual self awareness, which is the focus of this article, is an aspect of relational self awareness (see my article: Tips on Sexual Self Discovery).

What is Sexual Self Awareness?

Sexual self awareness is about getting curious about your thoughts, feelings and beliefs and how they affect your sexual relationship with yourself as well as with a partner.

Questions to Ask Yourself

The following questions can help you to develop sexual self awareness:

• What were you told (or not told) about sex when you were growing up?

• How were you told about sex and how did you feel about what you were told?

• What was the impact of these early messages on you as a child and now as an adult?

• Did you grow up in a sex positive or sex negative environment or was sex not even discussed?

• What early childhood experiences affect how you feel about sex as an adult?

• Do you feel you deserve sexual pleasure, including self pleasure and pleasure with a partner? Why or why not?

• Do you engage in internal negative self talk about your body? (see my article: Is a Negative Body Image Ruining Your Sex Life?).

• Do you feel uncomfortable with certain parts of your body to the point where you feel ashamed?

• Do you have a sense of disgust about how you smell (e.g., a healthy vaginal smell)?

• Are you uncomfortable touching your body so you avoid masturbation or avoid coming into direct contact with your genitals?

• If you give yourself negative messages, how does it affect your sexual relationship with yourself?

• Do you compare your body, including your genitals, to what you see in porn and in social media?

• Are you too ashamed or scared to get regular medical check-ups (e.g, seeing OB-GYN for annual exams)?

In terms of your own sexual pleasure, instead of only focusing on pleasing your partner or just going along with sex because you think your partner "needs it," focus on yourself and consider:

• Why are you having sex? 
• For pleasure? 
• For emotional connection? 
• For procreation? 
• Or for all of the above?
• Different aspects of the above at different times and with different people?

• What gets you sexually turned on?
• How comfortable do you feel about getting sexually turned on?
• What is your experience in your body of feeling turned on?
• What does it feel like emotionally?
• What does it feel like physically?
• What does it feel like mentally?

Take the Time to Reflect on Your Sexual Self Awareness

Developing sexual self awareness will help you to understand what motivates you to have sex, how you developed your thoughts, feelings and beliefs about sex and what gets you sexually aroused mentally, physically and emotionally.

Taking the time to reflect on these aspects of yourself can also help you to develop sexual self esteem.

What is Sexual Self Awareness?

The questions posed in this article can help you to have a healthy relationship with solo sex (masturbation) as well as partnered sex (see my article: Keeping an Erotic Journal For Sexual Self Discovery).

If you're in a relationship, you and your partner can each spend time working on these questions on your own. Then you can come together to share your thoughts, feelings, beliefs and experiences. This can bring you closer together and help you to appreciate the positive aspects of your sex life as well as the areas you both want to work on.

If you're not in a relationship, developing sexual self awareness can help you understand yourself.  And if you want to get into a relationship, you'll have a better understanding of what you want from a partner.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Many people didn't get the sex education they needed when they were growing up.

In addition, a lot of sex education is fear based in terms of learning only about the risk factors but not about the pleasurable aspects of sex.  This can create a sense of guilt and shame.

Sex therapy, which is a form of talk therapy, can help you to overcome shame and guilt as well as learn to develop a positive sexual awareness (see my article:  What is Sex Therapy?).

Individual adults and couples seek help in sex therapy for variety of issues (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

There is no nudity, physical exams or sex during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is a sex therapist so you can have a more fulfilling sex life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.