Developing Self Compassion in Trauma Therapy With Parts Work

I began a discussion about Parts Work therapy, which is a form of trauma therapy, in a prior article (see my article: How Parts Work Empowers You). 

Developing Self Compassion in Trauma Therapy

There are different types of Parts Work therapy, including Ego States therapy and Internal Family Systems, among others.

In that prior article I gave a basic description of Parts Work and how it's used. 

In a nutshell: Parts Work therapy assumes that we're all made up of many different parts, which are also called Self States.  

For a recap, see: Understanding the Different Aspects of Yourself That Make You Who You Are.

In the current article, I'm focusing on how Parts Work trauma therapy helps clients to develop self compassion.

Developing Self Compassion in Trauma Therapy

The idea of internal parts is a metaphor.  

Instead of saying "defense mechanisms," we refer to the many aspects of self as parts.

Parts Work therapy allows you to look at these aspects in terms of being parts. This is much more useful because Parts Work allows you to explore the parts by separating and externalizing them from yourself rather than thinking of them as intra-psychic phenomena, which is an intellectualized way to view them.

Externalizing the parts gives you some distance and a perspective to recognize that, although various parts might have a significant impact on you, you are not any one of these parts.  

For instance, it's common for someone to say, "A part of me feels this way, but another part of me feels another way."  Just saying this captures the ambivalence that all of us feel about certain areas of our life.

To be clear: I'm not referring to multiple personality disorder. Instead, I'm describing normal aspects of everyone's inner world.

Some of these parts are in conflict with one another, especially if a person is dealing with unresolved trauma.  Other parts are aligned and need to be unpacked in Parts Work therapy to understand how they operate.

How Does Parts Work Therapy Work?

Parts Work therapy helps clients to:

• Identify the different parts of themselves how they are affected by other parts
• The origin of these parts
• How the parts are related to unresolved trauma
• How the parts either work together or in opposition to each other
• How to cope with these parts
• What these parts need to be soothed so they soften and change
• How to ask certain parts to step aside when they are getting in the way
• How to integrate these parts in a healthy way, which is the ultimate goal

Developing Self Compassion With Parts Work Therapy

Once you begin to explore the various parts of yourself in Parts Work therapy, you're able to see that many of these parts go back to an earlier time in your life, especially if the parts are related to unresolved trauma.

Developing Self Compassion in Trauma Therapy

In Ego States therapy, clients learn to have an inner dialogue with their various parts with the help of a therapist who does this type of therapy.  

When you explore these parts, you discover that they have "good intentions" which was part of the survival strategies you learned earlier in your life and, although these strategies might have been helpful in the past (say, when you were a child), they now keep people stuck.

Many of these parts have childlike characteristics, so clients usually develop self compassion for the parts, who tried to do the best they could in the past.  

Working with the parts in Ego States therapy usually allows them to soften so they no longer get in the way and also so they change to function in a healthier way.

When a client can take a compassionate stance towards their various parts, the parts often respond to trauma therapy so they can heal and become an integrated part of the client instead of being dissociated and triggered under current triggering circumstances (see my article: Coping With Triggers).

Overcoming Trauma With Parts Work

If you have unresolved trauma that is keeping you stuck, you could benefit from doing Parts Work, like Ego States Therapy.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help with a trauma therapist who does Parts Work therapy, so you can lead a happier and more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, Parts Work, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Becoming More Attuned to Each Other

One of the most common problems I hear about in my private practice in New York City is a lack of emotional or sexual attunement in relationships (see my article: Are You Able to Express Your Vulnerable Emotions to Your Partner?).

What is Attunement in a Relationship?

Attunement in a relationship means the ability to connect with one another on an emotional and sexual level.

Becoming More Attuned to Each Other

Some couples connect well emotionally, but they're not attuned sexually.  This often occurs in long term relationships where sex has become less satisfying for one or both partners.

A lack of attunement can occur for many reasons.  Often this problem occurs when the couple isn't working together as a team.  This causes one or both partners to feel alone and emotionally unfulfilled. 

If the lack of attunement is also occurring in the bedroom, a couple often stops having sex to avoid the problem (see my article: Have You and Your Partner Stopped Having Sex?).

How to Get Emotionally Attuned to Yourself First and Then Your Partner

Rather than engaging in blame and conflict, which can destroy a relationship, each person needs to make a commitment to approach the problem as a team (see my articles: Moving Beyond the Blame Game in Your Relationship and Improving Your Communication By Eliminating the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse).

Becoming More Attuned to Each Other

In other words, there are no "bad guys." Instead, there is a recognition that the problems are co-created between both people, and if there is a willingness on each person's part to overcome this negative dynamic in the relationship, they can co-create the solution.

Becoming More Attuned to Each Other

Each of you can take some quiet time on your own to think and write about what you feel is missing and what you want more of in the relationship.

Start by focusing on yourself and where you feel you can improve rather than making a list of complaints about your partner.  

Are you attuned to your own emotions?  If not, take a moment to calm your mind and body so you can drop down into your own internal experience to get better attuned with yourself before you approach your partner.  

To get attuned, find a private quiet place without distractions.  

Close your eyes if you feel comfortable, focus on your breath and slow down your breathing (see my article: The Mind-Body Connection: Developing a Felt Sense of Your Emotions).

Expect to have distracting thoughts and when they come up, imagine you can put each one on a cloud and watch them float away (see my article: Basic Mindfulness Skills).

As you focus on your emotions, tune into your body to get a sense of where you can feel your emotions in your body.  Know that it's not unusual to feel conflicting emotions. Just acknowledge them and let them be.  Don't judge them or try to suppress them.

Afterwards take time to write down what came up for you and what you might want to share with your partner.

Emotional vulnerability is a pathway to intimacy, so if you can both share what came up for each of you, it could bring you closer.

On the other hand, if your emotional connection with your partner has deteriorated to the point where you don't feel comfortable being vulnerable, you can start with your less vulnerable feelings.

When you're listening to your partner, give your partner your undivided attention.  Listen without interrupting or getting distracted with other things (phones are off and put away).  

Becoming More Attuned to Each Other

After your partner has shared, instead of giving your perspective or opinion, tell your partner what you heard without criticism or judgment ("I heard you say you feel lonely in our relationship. Is that right?").  

If your partner says you didn't understand what s/he was saying, ask your partner to say it again in another way.  Repeat this process until you're really get what your partner is saying.

You don't have to agree with your partner's perspective.  You just need to let your partner know that you heard and understand based on what s/he said.

Then, it's your turn.  Follow the same steps.  Remember to slow down so you can be attuned to your own emotions as well as your partner's.

It takes time and patience to feel into and talk about your emotions, so don't rush through this exercise just to get through it.  If you do, you'll convey to your partner that you're not interested in hearing what s/he has to say or what you have to say to your partner.

You might experience some discomfort, especially if you're not accustomed to sharing your emotions on a deep level.  That's okay.  With practice, this process can get easier as you each work on these skills.

How to Get Sexually Attuned to Yourself and Your Partner

Many people feel embarrassed to talk about sex (see my articles: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2).

Becoming More Attuned to Each Other

Start by getting attuned to your own sense of sexuality in terms of what you like.  If it's been a long time since you have felt attuned to your own sexuality, start gradually.

If you have good memories of enjoying sex, you can begin by remembering times when you enjoyed sex in the past (see my article:  Reviving Your Sex Life By Remembering Your Peak Erotic Experiences).

Whether these memories involve solo sex or sex with a partner, what was it about those experiences that made sex enjoyable?  Was it your sense of connection? Was it your sense of playfulness or freedom to let go? Or something else?

If you have never experienced pleasurable sex, do you have memories of seeing movies or reading books that got you turned on?  What was it about those scenes that appealed to you?

After each of you have engaged in your own sexual self exploration, you can share your thoughts and fantasies with your partner (see my article: Finding Your Sexual Voice).

Once again, don't be critical or judgmental. Just listen.  Their turn-ons might not be yours, but couples often find sexual activities that get them both turned on (see my article: Don't Yuk Your Partner's Yum).

When it's your turn, try to be as open as you can about what you like and allow your partner to have his or her own preferences.

Getting Help in Therapy

It's common for couples to allow emotional and sexual problems to go unaddressed for months and even years.  At that point, it's hard to try to resolve them on their own (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) For Couples?).

If you're struggling with a lack of emotional or sexual attunement in your relationship, you could benefit from seeking help in couples/sex therapy.

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy.  There is no physical exam, nudity or sex during sex therapy sessions (see my article:  Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy).

Individual adults and couples seek help in sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has an expertise with your problems so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex-positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Are You Able to Express Your Vulnerable Feelings to Your Partner?

Being able to talk about your vulnerable feelings to a loved one is an essential part of being in a healthy relationship (see my article: Improve Communication in Your Relationship By Eliminating the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse).

Communication Problems in a Relationship

People, who struggle to communicate with their partner, often seek help in individual or couples therapy, but many more people never seek help because they're overwhelmed by shame. This often leads to anxiety and depression as well as a series of unhappy relationships.

How Does Trauma Affect a Person's Ability to Talk About Their Feelings?

An inability to communicate feelings is often linked to unresolved early trauma.

Children learn to identify and express their feelings when their parents name, frame and help the children to contain these feelings.

If you've ever watched a child having a tantrum in public, you probably observed their loving caregiver try to help them to calm down by making eye contact with a loving glaze, speaking softly and telling them that they understand the child is upset, identifying the feelings, framing it and comforting the child with a hug.

By identifying and framing the experience for the child, the caregiver helps the child to understand what they're feeling.  In effect, the caregiver becomes an emotional container for the child's emotions until the child gets older and they internalize the ability to do it on their own.

At first glance, this might not seem particularly important, but that loving caregiver is helping the child to understand what's happening to them emotionally and helping the child to manage their emotions (see my article: Developing Skills to Manage Your Emotions).

Contrast that with a caretaker who is outwardly angry and scolds the child by saying, "Stop being a baby!" or "Boys don't cry" or some other derogatory remark.

The disapproving caretaker isn't helping the child to identify, frame and contain their feelings. Instead they're communicating to the child that the child's feelings are wrong or bad, which is a form of emotional abuse. This creates guilt and shame (see my article: What is the Difference Between Guilt and Shame?).

So, what does a child do when faced with this situation over and over again?  To deal with this overwhelming experience, they suppress (or numb) their feelings to appease their caregiver at a great emotional cost to themselves.

Emotional numbing is often a survival strategy for young children who must choose between experiencing and expressing their feelings versus being overwhelmed by an angry caregiver.  

When children numb their feelings, they're trying to keep their caregiver from becoming even more angry or frustrated so, in that sense, it helps the child to survive in an unhealthy environment by keeping the caregiver from being even more emotionally abusive. 

If children experience ongoing disapproval of their feelings, this leads to developmental trauma (see my article: Overcoming Developmental Trauma: Developing the Capacity to Put Words to Feelings).

Developmental trauma doesn't just go away when a child becomes an adult. It becomes a way of life and it interferes with the individual's personal well-being as well as their relationships (see my article: How Trauma Affects Intimate Relationships).

So, what started as a childhood survival strategy to avoid further emotional pain is no longer a viable strategy in adulthood.  It creates confusion and doubt for the individual and for their loved ones.

Suppressed feelings can also cause health problems because the feelings don't go away just because the person isn't in touch with them. 

Due to the mind-body connection, suppressed feelings can create ever increasing stress and tension which can lead to headaches, backaches, autoimmune problems and other stress-related medical problems (see my article: Suppressed Emotions Can Lead to Medical and Psychological Problems).

How Can Experiential Therapy Help an Adult Who Doesn't Know How to Talk About Their Feelings?

Experiential therapy includes the following types of mind-body oriented therapy:

• Somatic Experiencing
  

• Parts Work
  

• EMDR
  

• AEDP

• Other Mind-Body Oriented Therapies

An Experiential Therapist helps clients to develop a felt sense of their feelings in their body to overcome emotional numbing and begin to identify their feelings (see my article: Why Experiential Therapy is More Effective Than Regular Talk Therapy to Overcome Trauma).

Instead of relying on their intellectual insight to identify feelings, these clients learn to tap into their feelings in their body (see my article: How to Manage Your Emotions Without Suppressing Them).

This is usually a gradual process because it can take a while for clients to trust the therapist enough overcome their fear, shame and guilt (see my article: Mind-Body Oriented Therapy Offers a Window Into the Unconscious Mind).

These adults, who were ridiculed for their feelings as children, also have to learn to overcome the negative feedback they received as a child that their feelings were a burden to others, including their parents or primary caregivers.

Along the way, the Experiential Therapist also helps the client to work through unresolved trauma related to childhood experiences.

Becoming More Emotionally Available to Your Partner

When the client overcomes emotional numbing, they're able to experience a wide array of feelings, including joy and pleasure and they usually become more emotionally available to their loved ones.

Getting Help in Experiential Therapy

Emotional numbing robs you of joy and pleasure.  

Emotional numbing is also an obstacle to knowing yourself and being intimately known by your loved ones.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help in Experiential Therapy so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How is Sensate Focus Used in Sex Therapy?

Before I discuss how Sensate Focus is used in sex therapy, I want to define what sex therapy is because there are many misconceptions about sex therapy in the general public and even among psychotherapists who don't practice sex therapy.

What is Sex Therapy?

Sex therapy is a specific type of psychotherapy for individuals and couples to address sexual problems (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

Sensate Focus is a Component of Sex Therapy

There is no physical touch, physical exam, sex or nudity during sex therapy sessions.  Everyone in the room remains fully clothed just like they would in any other type of talk therapy session (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?

Sex therapy addresses physical, emotional and psychological factors that might be getting in the way of sexual fulfillment.

As a sex therapist, I help clients with a variety of sexual problems, including:

• Low Libido/Sexual Arousal/Sexual Desire
  

• Mismatched Sexual Desire Between Individuals in a Relationship

• Sexual Communication

• Sexual Boredom

• Erectile Problems

• Sexual Performance Anxiety
  

• Painful Sex

• Orgasm Problems
  

• Sexual Guilt and Shame
  

• Sexual Self Esteem

• The Sex Script of a Couple

• Sexual Abuse/Trauma

• Age-Related Sexual Problems

• Body Image

• The Unconscious Meaning of Sexual Fantasies

• Kink, BDSM , Eroticized Power Play 

• Transgender Issues

• Consensual Nonmonogamy
  

• Compulsive Use of Pornography or Out of Control Sexual Behavior

As well as other sex-related issues (see my article: What Kinds of Problems Are Addressed in Sex Therapy?).

A sex therapist might refer a client to various other health care practitioners to either rule out or overcome related medical or physical issues that could be part of the problem.  

For instance, if a man is experiencing erectile problems, a sex therapist often refers the client to a medical doctor who specializes in erectile problems to determine if the problem is medical.  Once a medical problem has been ruled out or addressed, a sex therapist can help the client with the emotional or psychological issues involved.

Another example of a possible referral is if a woman is experiencing pain during intercourse. A sex therapist often refers the client to a gynecologist who specializes in painful sex problems to either rule out or address the problem. Subsequently, a sex therapist can also refer the client to a physical therapist who is a pelvic floor specialist while the sex therapist simultaneously helps the client with the emotional or psychological issues involved.

What is Sensate Focus?

Sensate Focus is one component of sex therapy among many.

Sensate Focus is a behavioral technique that was originally developed by Masters and Johnson. 

Sensate Focus is a Component of Sex Therapy

Sensate Focus involves a series of behavioral exercises that a couple does together to help them to enhance their emotional and sexual connection.

The behavioral exercises are done as part of sex therapy homework in the privacy of their home.  They are not done in front of the sex therapist.

When I work with couples who want to improve their emotional and sexual connection, I provide them with psychoeducation about Sensate Focus and how it can be helpful.  Then, I tailor the homework to the needs of the particular clients. 

For instance, if they are in a long term relationship where there has been either infrequent or no sex for a while and they are apprehensive about Sensate Focus, I collaborate with the clients to see where they each feel relatively comfortable to begin.  

I stress to couples that Sensate Focus is a behavioral mindfulness technique and, as such, it's a non-demand exercise. 

The non-demand aspect of Sensate Focus means there is no expectation of sex. 

In fact, the exercise won't go beyond what has been agreed upon in advance by each member of the couple.

Sensate Focus is a Component of Sex Therapy

For example, with couples who haven't touched each other in a while, I might ask them to start by setting aside two times between weekly sex therapy sessions where they each take turns touching the other partner's hands for 2-5 minutes without any talking (this is to avoid the possibility of criticism which could make one or both people want to stop).  

During initial Sensate Focus exercises, I usually recommend that the couple is fully clothed when they do their homework assignment and that they do the exercise with lights on. There is no music or anything else that would indicate the expectation of sex.

By starting at a point where both people feel comfortable, Sensate Focus helps to remove stressful aspects of sexual and emotional connection that the couple might be struggling with. In fact, most people find Sensate Focus relaxing.

Sensate Focus is a Component of Sex Therapy

If one of the partners is uncomfortable with how the other partner is touching them, they can show them by lifting the partner's hand and demonstrating how they would like to be touched.

When the couple returns to their next sex therapy session, assuming they did the exercise, they each talk about their individual experience with the exercise.  

If they didn't do the exercise, I facilitate a discussion as to what got in the way of doing it.  Beyond giving reasons that they were busy or tired, this helps the couple to explore and understand unconscious issues involved with why they might have avoided doing the Sensate Focus exercise and how they can overcome these issues.

Overcoming obstacles to Sensate Focus also reinforces the idea that there is mutual responsibility for sexual and emotional connection. 

In other words, it's not the job of any particular person to be "in charge" of the exercises, so I usually recommend that each individual take turns reminding the other partner about the exercise and initiating.  

So, if Person A is the reminder and initiator on Day 1, Person B is the reminder and initiator on Day 2.

From there, I continue to collaborate with the couple on how to proceed to the next step in Sensate Focus. 

Based on the clients' mutual agreement, Sensate Focus progresses to include different types of touch as the exercises progress.  Once again, the exercises are highly individualized for the particular couple.

What is the Foundation of Sensate Focus?

There are several elements that serve as the foundation of Sensate Focus, including:

• Providing sexual information and education to both partners about sexual function and activities

• Establishing mutual responsibility between partners for addressing sexual communication, sexual needs and concerns of each partner

• Helping couples to communicate effectively about sex without guilt or shame

• Being willing to change sexual attitudes that are getting in the way of sexual fulfillment

• Overcoming sexual performance anxiety, including guilt and shame

• Overcoming issues related to sexual roles in the relationship

• Giving behavioral homework assignments for couples to improve their sexual and emotional relationship

When is Sensate Focus Used?

Sensate Focus is used for a variety of sex-related problems, including but not limited to:

• Sexual Arousal Problems

• Sexual Desire Problems

• Erectile Problems, including premature ejaculation, delayed ejaculation, erectile unpredictability

• Painful Sex

• Sexual Anxiety

• Other Sex-Related Problems

Conclusion

Sensate Focus is a well-researched, effective component of sex therapy.

Sensate Focus helps to enhance emotional and sexual intimacy with behavioral exercises for couples to do privately as part of their homework.

Sensate Focus is beneficial for couples of any age, race, gender or sexual orientation, including heterosexual couples or LGBTQ+ couples.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy for individual adults and couples.

If you're struggling with sexual issues, you could benefit from working with a skilled sex therapist.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a sex therapist so you can lead a more fulfilling sex life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex-positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Balancing Emotional Security and Eroticism in Long Term Relationships

Sexlessness is common in many long term relationships according to relationship experts Stephen A. Mitchell, who wrote Can Love Last? and Esther Perel, who wrote Mating in Captivity (see my article: The Paradox of Love and Sexual Desire).

Security vs Eroticism in Long Term Relationships

Dr. Mitchell indicates that the need for absolute emotional safety often deadens eroticism in long term relationships (see my article: Overcoming Sexual Boredom in Long Term Relationships).

Many people unconsciously create such emotionally secure relationships that the comfort and safety come at the expense of the couple's sex life (see my article: The Erotic Equation: Attraction + Obstacles Equals Sexual Excitement).

The unintended consequences are that they create a dull and lifeless sex life because their partner becomes more like a parent or sibling, which makes sex unappealing to say the least.

Balancing Emotional Security and Eroticism in Long Term Relationships

One of the scenarios in Dr. Mitchell's book, Can Love Last?, illustrates how someone in a long term relationship can unconsciously create a dull sex life.

Susan needed and expected her husband to dote on her. But she also complained in her therapy sessions that all of her husband's doting, which she insisted upon, was anti-erotic.  At the same time, she carried on a passionate sexual affair with a younger man whom she described as sexually exciting.

Susan was unaware that she was unconsciously creating an anti-erotic environment at home with her husband due to her need for his doting care and she was relegating her erotic needs to the man with whom she was having a secret affair.

As she became aware in therapy of how she was orchestrating the dullness in her marriage and the sexual excitement in her affair, she also became aware of how sexually guarded she was with her husband and how free she felt in her affair.  

Once she realized how she had been unknowingly creating these situations with the two men in her life, she talked to her husband about making changes in their sex life.  

This allowed her to be more sexually adventurous with her husband when they went away for a weekend.  Instead of relegating her erotic feelings to her affair, she allowed herself to be more erotically authentic in her marriage (see my article: What is Your Erotic Blueprint?).

How Sex Therapy Helps Couples to Rekindle Their Sex Life

Sex therapy can help low-sex or no-sex couples to see how they might have unconsciously created erotic dullness in their relationship in order to feel their relationship is predictable and safe (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

Security vs Eroticism in Long Term Relationships

People in long term relationships often want to feel their partner is completely knowable and predictable.  However, in reality, there are always parts of yourself and your partner that are yet to be discovered.

When couples strive to create an atmosphere of absolute predictability and permanence in their relationship, they can unknowingly create the unintended deadness in their sex life.  

Sex therapy helps couples to recognize the unconscious dynamic they have created so they are freer to explore their sexuality and create a more erotic dynamic.  

This doesn't mean they no longer experience emotional security in their relationship. Instead, it means they learn to balance the need for security with a fulfilling sex life (see my article: To Rekindle Passion Fire Needs Air).

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy.

There is no physical exam, nudity or sex during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

People come to sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article: What Are Common Issues in Sex Therapy?).

Whether you're single or in any type of relationship, if you want a more fulfilling sex life, seek help from a skilled sex therapist.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex-positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Developing Insight in Therapy Isn't Enough to Make Lasting Change

There's a common misconception that if you develop insight in therapy, the insight alone will bring about lasting change.  But this isn't true (see my article: A Common Myth About Therapy: Therapy is All Talk and No Action).

Insight Isn't Enough to Make Lasting Change

Insight alone doesn't bring about change. Insight can help you to understand the problem, which is a good first step.  But you need a lot more than insight, especially when you want to make a major change.

Mind-Body Oriented Psychotherapy Combined With Action on Your Part Can Bring About Lasting Change

As I've written in a prior article, mind-body oriented therapy is also known as Experiential Therapy.

Experiential therapy, including EMDR, AEDP,  Somatic Experiencing and Parts Work, provides a window into the unconscious mind (see my article: Experiential Therapy and the Mind-Body Connection: The Body Offers a Window Into the Unconscious Mind).

Experiential Therapy can facilitate change on an emotional level rather than just on an intellectual level.  This means an emotional shift, which can be transformational when it is combined with taking action.

The emotional shift can be in how you feel about yourself, your problems and the necessary steps needed to make lasting change (see my article: Experiential Therapy is More Effective Than Talk Therapy).

Are You Willing to Do the Work in Therapy to Make Lasting Change?

Over the years I've received many calls from people who have been in therapy with other therapists for years but who haven't changed. 

Often they'll say that they gained a lot of insight into their problems and their therapist was nice, but their problems remained the same.

In most cases these clients talked about their problems and the therapist helped them to make the connection between their personal history and their current problems. For most of these clients this was a good start, but that's where it ended.

Insight Isn't Enough to Make Lasting Change

How Contemporary Psychotherapy Has Changed

For the most part, contemporary psychotherapy no longer involves clients free associating to a neutral therapist who barely says a word the whole time. 

Contemporary psychotherapy is much more interactive these days with an active therapist and an active client.

Clients who want to make lasting change need to be willing to do the work. Beyond developing insight, this means taking steps--no matter how small--to make changes.  

I think many people don't realize that working on making changes in is a major commitment  in time and effort in weekly therapy.  

Unfortunately, there are some people who believe that the therapist is the one who does something to bring about the change they want.  But that's not how therapy works. 

In collaboration with your therapist, you have to be willing to make a plan so you can take steps to make changes (see my article: Making Changes Requires Taking Action).

Are You Feeling Stuck in Your Therapy?

If you're currently in therapy and you're feeling stuck, as a start, talk to your therapist so you can both assess how and why you're stuck (see my articles: How to Talk to Your Therapist When Something is Bothering You About Your Therapy and Overcoming Obstacles to Making Changes).

Sometimes there's a part of you that wants to change and another part that doesn't. This isn't unusual. Ambivalence is common for clients in therapy (see my article: Overcoming Your Fear of Change).

An effective way of working with these different aspects within you is to work with a therapist who does Parts Work Therapy, which is also referred to as Ego States Therapy or Internal Family Systems (see my article: How Parts Work Therapy Helps to Empower You).

Aside from talking to your current therapist, take time to assess your own willingness to take action.  If you're not ready to take any steps, you might not be ready to make changes at this point in your life.

If you continue to feel stuck after you have talked to your therapist and you have done your own personal assessment of your willingness to take steps to change, you can consult with another therapist who works in a different way to understand how another type of therapy might help you. 

Sometimes an adjunct therapy, like adjunctive EMDR therapy, can help to enhance the work in your current therapy (see my article: What is Adjunctive EMDR Therapy?).

When you attend an adjunct therapy, you remain with your current therapist and also work with an adjunctive therapist. 

Assuming your current therapist is willing, you provide consent to both therapists to share information about your therapy so they can collaborate on the work.

Being proactive in your own change process can be an empowering experience.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.