How to Maintain a Happy Relationship

Developing and maintaining a happy relationship is more challenging these days than ever.  Whereas in former times people had the emotional support of an extended family, people in relationships now tend to rely much more on each other, which often places a strain on the relationship (see my articles: Nurturing Your Relationship and Creating a Safe Haven For Each Other.

Developing and Maintaining a Happy Relationship

While no relationship is without occasional problems, more relationships these days are failing because of the greater emotional burden placed on the relationship.  Also, people often enter into a relationship with unrealistic expectations of their partners and unaware of the work it takes to develop and maintain a happy relationship.

How to Develop and Maintain a Happy Relationship

• Make Your Relationship a Priority:  This might sound obvious and yet, without even realizing it, so many people in relationships allow distractions to get in the way of making the relationship a priority (see my articles: Relationships: The Importance of Unplugging From Your Phone and Computer to Spend Quality Time Together.

Developing a Happy Relationship: Spend Quality Time Together Without Distractions

• Be Loving and Kind to Each Other:  Many couples are loving and kind to each other at the beginning of the relationship but, as time goes on, they forget to do the things that endeared them to each other (see my articles:  Practicing Tolerance and Compassion in Your Relationship).

• Talk About What You Need Emotionally From Your Romantic Partner:  Talking about emotional needs is often difficult for people who are afraid to make themselves emotionally vulnerable, especially if one or both partners grew up in a family where people didn't talk about their feelings. Many couples don't know how to communicate their needs and come across as blaming or complaining, which makes the other partner shut down.  Other people seem to feel that their partner "should know" what they want without their communicating their needs (see my article:  Relationships: Are You Too Afraid to Talk to Your Spouse About What's Bothering and Are You Feeling Lonely in Your Relationship?).

• Respect One Another:  Respecting one another is often related to being able to talk about emotional needs.  For example, if, instead of focusing on what she needs emotionally from her husband, a woman blames her husband for not being more attentive, her husband might shut down and not hear her underlying message, which is: "I need you to show that you care about me."  That message gets lost because it's not getting communicated directly.  The husband will feel criticized and might stonewall.  This often leads to the wife becoming more strident, which leads to even further withdrawal by the husband.  Aside from the obvious forms of disrespect, like name calling, other less obvious forms of disrespect, like eye rolling, show contempt for the other partner and often lead to the demise of the relationship (see my articles:  Emotional Intimacy: The One Who Loves You the Most is Often the One Who Hurts You the Most, and Relationships: When Expressing Your Feelings Turns Into Verbal Abuse).

• Develop Realistic Expectations of Your Relationship:  You're partner can't be everything to you.  You need to have friends and other forms of emotional support in order not to put too heavy a burden on the relationship (see my article: Relationships: Your Spouse Can't Meet All Your Expectations).

• Let Go of the Small Stuff:  When you're in a relationship, you need to know what's most important to you.  Do you really want to argue about the socks that never made it from the floor to the hamper?  If you do, you'll be arguing a lot and this can erode a relationship quickly (see my article: Are You Overreacting to Small Disappointments? and Letting Go of Resentment).

• Find Ways to Grow Together:  Finding ways to grow together is important, especially in a long term relationship.  People change over time, and if one person is developing and growing and the other person isn't, the couple could grow apart.  When you share new interests, you're developing as individuals and as a couple (see my articles: Relationships: Are You in a Relationship Rut? and How to Integrate Change Into Your Relationship).

Developing and Maintaining a Happy Relationship:  Be Playful With One Another

• Be Playful With One Another:  Couples, who are playful and fun with each other at the beginning of the relationship, often forget to do the things that brought them together in the first place.  Having a sense of humor and finding other ways to be playful keeps the relationship fresh and alive (see my articles: Do You Remember What It's Like to Have Fun in Your Relationship? Try a Little Playfulness and Improving Sexual Intimacy in a Long Term Relationship).

Getting Help For Your Relationship in Couples Counseling
There are many couples who have lost their way in their relationship and they're unable to find their way back to the loving relationship that they once had.

A skilled psychotherapist, who works with couples, can help a couple to understand what went wrong and provide them with tools to get back on track (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy?).

If you've tried on your own to work out your relationship, but you keep coming up short, you could benefit from seeing a couples therapist who can help you to have the loving relationship that you once had.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist 

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Feeling Lonely in a Relationship

Everyone feels lonely sometimes.  It's not unusual.  There are different kinds of experiences of feeling lonely.  

Usually we associate feeling lonely with being alone. But it's not unusual to feel lonely from time to time while you're in a relationship.  You and your partner or spouse aren't always going to feel emotionally attuned.  

But when you feel lonely most of the time while you're with your partner, this is a different kind of loneliness and can be indicative of problems in the relationship (see my article:  What's the Difference Between Solitude and Loneliness?).

Feeling Lonely in a Relationship

There are many reasons why you could be feeling lonely or emotionally estranged from your partner.  Assuming that you and your partner spend time together and that you're not away from each other for significant periods, it's important to determine what's causing you to feel lonely and if your partner is feeling the same way.

Are one or both of you withdrawing emotionally when you're together so that you're in the same room but you're not connecting with each other on an emotional level?  Are you bored?  Has your sex life waned?  Have you grown apart?

The following vignette is a fictionalized composite that illustrates a particular cause of loneliness in a relationship:

Alice and Peter:

Alice and Peter were married for 15 years.  They had two sons, who were 11 and 12.  They both had successful careers.  When they first got married, they had a very passionate relationship.  But in the last few years, they focused most of their free time on their sons' various activities, including sports events.  Their once passionate sex life had waned to nearly nothing (see my article: Reviving Your Sex Life).

Feeling Lonely in a Relationship

After their children went away to sleep away camp for the first time, they found themselves together and alone for the first time in a long time.  Before their sons left, they each thought they would enjoy having time to themselves for a change.

But after their sons were gone, they both felt awkward around each other and somewhat at a loss as to how to spend their time together.  Both of them felt too uncomfortable talking about it, so they each dealt with the awkwardness and loneliness they felt on their own.  They each found individual projects to work on in their spare time, and they tried to avoid the emotional awkwardness by spending their time apart.

As the weeks passed, they each felt more emotionally estranged from each other.  Finally, when it became too uncomfortable for her, Alice broached the topic with Peter, feeling embarrassed and shy, but  deciding that it was better to talk about it than to keep sweeping it under the rug.

So, over breakfast, before they went off to their separate projects, Alice told Peter that she was feeling lonely.  There was an awkward silence, which increased Alice's embarrassment and feelings of awkwardness.  Then, Peter looked away and said he was feeling the same way.

They talked about how they never realized, while the children were around, that they had lost sight of their relationship.

They acknowledged to each other that they still loved one another, but their sex life had waned to nothing.  This was a difficult conversation to have, but it was a relief for both of them to stop avoiding each other and the so-called "elephant in the room" of the loneliness that they each felt around each other.

Peter and Alice realized that they needed to get to know each other again.  They loved their sons very much, but they realized that they needed to spend more quality time with each to rekindle their relationship.

But they didn't know how after all this time, so they sought the help of a marriage counselor. In marriage counseling, they learned to re-engage in the activities that they used to enjoy--going out dancing, going to the theatre, and reading aloud to each other.

To rekindle their sex life, they rediscovered how to be sensual with each other and, eventually, becoming sexually intimate again after years of not being sexual at all.  When their sons returned, they made sure to continue to find time for each other by going out on a "date" at least 3-4 times per month to maintain the emotional and sexual intimacy they discovered with each other while their sons were away.

Loneliness and Estrangement Can Develop Over Time in a Relationship
The scenario above is only one example of how loneliness and emotional estrangement can develop in a relationship over time without the couple even realizing it.

There are many other examples, too many to discuss in one blog post.  

One common complaint I hear from couples in my New York City private practice is that one or both people are continually preoccupied with their cellphone.  This could be a topic unto itself.  Another common complaint is that one or both people have outgrown each other.

Getting Help in Therapy
The main point of this blog post is that if you're feeling lonely in your relationship, you owe it to yourself and your partner to communicate this before it's too late.

You're not alone.  There are many individuals and couples that experience this problem.

If you're unable to work on it on your own by rekindling your relationship, you can seek the help of a licensed mental health professional who  specializes in working with couples.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What's the Difference Between Solitude and Loneliness?

We live in a world where we're often bombarded by overstimulation to our senses.  Whether this involves our increased accessibility with cellphones, texts, voicemail, social media, the ability to get "breaking news" 24/7 on cable news and the Internet, or the hustle and bustle of living in New York City, this overstimulation can exhaust us.  

Solitude: The State of Being Alone Without Feeling Lonely

Solitude vs Loneliness

Being able to enjoy times when we're alone so we can experience peace and a sense of solitude can help us to relax and de-stress from these overstimulating environments.  It's part of taking care of ourselves.  

But for many people, being alone isn't about solitude at all.  It's about feeling lonely and abandoned. This makes it hard for them to de-stress.  

How can we understand the difference between being alone with a sense solitude vs being alone and feeling lonely? 

In this blog post, I'll explore loneliness and solitude.  First, I'll start with loneliness, including feelings of loneliness that we all feel, and a much more pervasive type of loneliness connected to feeling abandoned.  Then, I'll explore solitude, what it means, how to experience it, why some people have problems experiencing solitude and how to overcome this problem.

It's important to understand that everyone feels lonely at times in their lives. Often, people who are not in relationships imagine that if they had a partner, they wouldn't ever feel lonely.

Loneliness

• Even if You're in a Relationship, You Can Feel Lonely at Times: Even if you're happily married or partnered, you can feel lonely at times. Your spouse or partner will not always be perfectly in synch with your emotional state all of the time, even in the best relationship.  You might also be with a partner who is emotionally avoidant and disengages from you emotionally (see my article Feeling Lonely in a Relationship).

Feeling Lonely in a Relationship

• Attributing a Negative Meaning to Occasional Loneliness: Acknowledging and accepting occasional loneliness is part of mature adult development. But if you attribute a negative meaning to being lonely (e.g., you're a "loser," no one wants to be with you), you're going to have a very different perspective about occasional loneliness than someone who accepts it as normal.  Berating yourself for what is normal will also erode your sense of self (see my article: Changing the Negative Stories You Tell Yourself).

• When Being Alone Triggers Feelings of Loneliness and Abandonment: Occasional loneliness is different from a pervasive feeling of being lonely and feeling abandoned most of the time.  When adults, who haven't learned to enjoy a sense of solitude, are by themselves, they will often go to great lengths not to be alone--even if it means being with people that they don't like. If there's no one around, they often keep themselves constantly distracted by keeping the TV on (even if they're not watching or listening to it), by overeating as a form of comfort, by drinking too much or using illicit drugs, smoking cigarettes, and so on. Even though they might realize they're exhausting themselves by keeping themselves distracted, it's preferable to them than dealing with feelings of loneliness and abandonment.

A History of Emotional Neglect as a Child Can Trigger Loneliness When You're Alone as an Adult

During the course of childhood development, if a young child doesn't have a fairly consistent and reliable loving presence, he or she feels abandoned.  Later on, as an adult, being alone often triggers feelings of loneliness and abandonment.

With nurturing caregivers, who are "good enough," we learn to play on our own in the presence of our adult caregivers. At around the age of three, if all goes well, we become a little more independent, being able to tolerate some alone time because we had a good early foundation with our caregivers.  

We learn to use our imagination to enter into our play and fantasy world while mom or dad is in another room nearby.  A child of three will often check back to see where mom or dad might be, and having seen that his parent is nearby, the child can go back to playing, feeling safe and secure.  More than likely, if all else goes well, this child will grow up to enjoy a sense of solitude from time to time.

But for adults who have a history of feeling emotionally abandoned as children, being alone can often feel intolerable. There is no comfort or solitude in being alone. They never learned to be alone.  Being alone means being abandoned, lonely and unworthy of love.

If being alone is intolerable, they need someone around to distract themselves from their uncomfortable feelings.  If they eat in a restaurant by themselves, they feel self conscious and fear that others are looking at them and thinking that they're alone because no one wants to be around them. If they have to go to a social event where they don't know anyone, they fear that no one will talk to them. They might even avoid going out alone because of the uncomfortable feelings that it provokes in them.

Solitude

What is Solitude?
Solitude is being able to enjoy your own company, feeling peaceful and relaxed, when you're by yourself at times.  If you can enjoy solitude, getting away from the hustle and bustle of everyday life is an important part of managing your stress.

How to Enjoy Solitude as Part of Self Care

The following are brief examples of enjoying solitude:

Marie:  Marie enjoys getting up early, before her husband and children wake up, to spend an hour or so on her own quietly sipping tea in the kitchen and reading a book. It's part of her self care routine.

Solitude as Self Care

She and her husband have a loving relationship. They enjoy spending time together as well as with their children, but Marie feels that this one hour in the morning that she has to herself before her busy day begins helps her to ease into her day in a more relaxed and quiet way. She values this time and, occasionally, when something happens where she can't spend this hour of solitude in the morning, she realizes that she is more likely to feel more frazzled during the rest of the day.

Bob:  Before he goes to bed, Bob likes to spend a half hour or so reading a favorite novel. While his wife is preparing for bed, Bob enjoys going off to the den, where it's quiet and he can have some time for himself. 

Solitude: Enjoying a Favorite Novel

This has been his nightly ritual for the five years that he and his wife have been married. At first, his wife didn't understand why Bob needed this time at the end of the day. But soon after they got married, his wife realized that she also felt more relaxed and refreshed if she also took this time to take a bubble bath, meditate or listen to music before she and Bob went to bed.

Laura:  Laura likes to take a walk in the park near her office at lunch time. Getting away from the busy phones and the demands of her job helps her to come back to the office feeling renewed and relaxed. 

Solitude as a Way to Relax

There are just enough people in the park so she feels safe, but not so many that she feels intruded or impinged upon. She can take an hour or so to lose herself in the beauty of nature or she can watch the dogs playing in the nearby dog run section of the park. She feels connected to nature at the same time that she also feels a sense of comfort with herself. On days when she spends her lunch hour working, instead of going to the park, she feels much more tired and stressed out by the end of the day.

Getting Help to Overcome a Sense of Loneliness and Emotional Isolation 
The good news is that if you've never learned to feel the comfort of solitude and being alone triggers feelings of alienation and loneliness, you can learn to overcome these issues in therapy.

There's no "quick fix," but many people have overcome this problem.   It's never too late to learn how to overcome the discomfort and fear of being alone. You can learn to enjoy solitude so you can have times when you can relax and enjoy your own company.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist. 

I work with individuals and couples.  

I have helped many clients to overcome trauma their fears of being alone (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What Are Peak Experiences?

In my prior article, What is Self Actualization and What Qualities Do Self Actualizers Possess?, I began a discussion about Abraham Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs with an emphasis on self actualizers and their characteristics.  

Peak Experiences

What Are Peak Experiences?

According to Maslow, peak experiences play an important part in self actualization, which is the focus of this article.  He believed peak experiences make it possible to experience your true self (see my article: Becoming Your True Self).

Although Maslow believed that self actualization is rare, he believed that it's possible for people to have peak experiences.

Peak experiences are transcendent moments of joy, elation, awe, ecstasy or wonder (see my article: Seeing Small Wonders All Around Us If We Just Take the Time to Notice).

These are exceptional experiences that stand out from other experiences and often include:

• A sense of fulfillment
• A significant experience that increases awareness, possibly a turning point in life
• A spiritual sense of being at one with the world

When Do Peak Experiences Occur?

Peak experiences often occur while: 

• Working on a creative project
• Spending time in nature
• Watching a sunset
• Falling in love
• Making love
• Having an orgasm
• Meditating
  
• Having a lucid dream
• Having an intuitive dream or experience (see my article: Dream Incubation)
• Feeling the rapture of music
• Feeling moved by a work of art
• Experiencing synchronicities
• Experiencing a sense of flow while dancing or moving
• Spending time with close family and friends
• Participating in a spiritual practice
• Participating in sports and being "in the zone"
• Engaging in an enjoyable activity where you have a sense of flow
• Helping someone in need
• Achieving a challenging goal
• Feeling triumphant after overcoming a challenge

What Do Peak Experiences Feel Like?

People often describe peak experiences as altered states of consciousness where they feel euphoric.  

Maslow described peak experiences as experiencing the highest state of happiness.  

During peak experiences people often describe their experience as surrendering to something greater than themselves.  

For instance, standing on a beach and experiencing the vastness of the ocean, you can feel the power and beauty of the ocean. You can also experience how small you are compared to this large body of water.  You might also feel a sense of oneness with the ocean as you watch the ebb and flow of the waves.

Often there is a loss of time and space as you merge with your surroundings.  For instance, if you are stargazing, you can sense the timelessness of the experience as you appreciate the beauty.  

Past, present and future can together for you in that moment.

Identifying Your Own Personal Peak Experiences

In order to understand the personal meaning of peak experiences in your life, think back to times in your life that were transcendent and meaningful.  

It might have been for only a moment, but these memories usually stand out.

Peak experiences often occur when people are intentional and have a sense of purpose.  Maybe you were having fun at the time with others. Or you maybe you were alone when you had a meaningful experience that changed your perspective.

Peak experiences also occur when you have a sense of deep fulfillment.  So, you can think back to times in your life when you felt especially fulfilled and joyous.

Why It's Important to Identify Peak Experiences From Your Past

Peak experiences can be life changing.  

When you identify the types of experiences that gave you a sense of wonder, awe and transcendence, you become aware of the most meaningful times in your life.

By identifying these powerful moments in your life, you can get a sense of what's most important to you and how these experiences enhance your life.

In addition, you'll get a sense of what inspires these moments for you so that you can enjoy more peak experiences as you can become more attuned to them.

For instance, if you had a sense of purpose and fulfillment when you did artwork, but you gave up doing artwork, you'll realize how important that work was to your sense of well-being. You might also realize you want to make time to do artwork to have those experiences again.

You might also remember other times when you felt most alive, in a state of flow, and consider how you can have other similar experiences.

An example of that might be a meditation practice.  You might remember a time when you went into a deep trance state when you felt at one with the world.  If you have stopped meditating and you remember how fulfilling it was for you, you might want to resume meditation.  

Can You Create Peak Experiences?

Peak experiences are often spontaneous.  They can be momentary or last hours or days.  

I believe you can prime yourself for having peak experiences if you're aware of these heightened states from the past, you're open to experiencing these states again and you cultivate the mindset, circumstances and environment that could inspire peak experiences.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What is Self Actualization and What Qualities Do Self Actualizers Possess?

Psychologist Abraham Maslow introduced the concept of the Hierarchy of Needs in the 1940s.  The Hierarchy of Needs was symbolized by a triangle of human needs.  

According to Maslow, from bottom to top those human needs consist of: 

• Physiological Needs: food, water, sleep
• Safety: home, security
• Love and Belonging: deeper, meaningful relationships
• Esteem: honor and recognition 
• Self Actualization: achieving your highest psychological potential

Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs

A Shift in Psychology

Maslow wanted to get away from focusing on abnormal psychology and development in order to focus on healthy human development, so his theory represented a shift in psychology.  He is considered to be part of Humanistic Psychology.

Maslow believed that people couldn't reach their highest potential, self actualization, until their other basic needs were met.  Later on, this concept that all the basic needs had to be fulfilled first was criticized as being too rigid.  

What is Self Actualization?

Self actualization is at the top of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs pyramid.  

When people have achieved self actualization, according to Maslow, they have reached their highest level of psychological development.

Many experts now believe that self actualization is more about how open people are to personal growth and health rather than whether they have achieved success or happiness.

What Qualities Do Self Actualizers Possess?

According to Maslow, people who achieve self actualization have the following qualities:

• Self Awareness
• An Acceptance of Others
• A Focus on Personal Growth
• A Sense of Purpose
• A Creative Spirit
• Less Concern for Others' Opinions
• A Desire to Fulfill Their Potential
• An Ability to Judge People and Situations Correctly 
• An Ability to Exist Autonomously
• An Ability to Think Independently
• A Comfort With Solitude
• Deep Loving Bonds With Close Intimate Friends
• Compassion
• Peak Experiences (a heightened sense of wonder, awe and transcendence)

People who achieve self actualization don't necessarily stay at that stage.  They might go up and down the Hierarchy of Needs pyramid over the span of their lifetime.

Maslow believed that relatively few people became self actualizers, but there is still value in Maslow's theory, especially with regard to peak experiences.

My Next Article: Peak Experiences

I believe one of Maslow's most significant contributions to psychology was his concept of peak experiences, which I'll discuss in my next article: 

What Are Peak Experiences?

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How to Prevent Conflict Avoidance From Destroying Your Relationship

What is Conflict Avoidance?

Although most people experience arguments and conflicts as stressful and uncomfortable, people who are conflict avoidant find it especially intolerable. They will often go to great lengths to avoid or end an argument rather than remain in it to try to find a resolution.  This is called conflict avoidance.

Conflict Avoidance in a Relationship

Although conflict avoidance is common in many relationships, this phenomenon is especially frustrating for the other partner because problems in the relationship don't get resolved and this is what often brings people into couples therapy.

People who are conflict avoiders often have an avoidant attachment style (see my article: Understanding the Avoidant Attachment Style).

When a partner wants to talk about a problem in the relationship, the partner who wants to avoid conflict will typically act in one of the following ways to avoid dealing with the conflict or keep the argument from escalating:

• Apologize quickly, possibly without understanding what they're apologizing about or if they are even feel sorry

• Accommodate immediately, possibly without considering whether they really want to do it or can do it

• Agree without much thought as to whether they actually agree because they just want the conflict to be over

• Stonewall, which often means refusing to talk about the situation or walking out of the room to avoid the conflict (see my article: Are You a Stonewaller?)

What Causes Conflict Avoidance?

People who are conflict avoidant get so uncomfortable with arguments or conflicts that they find it emotionally intolerable (see my article: Understanding the Partner Who Withdraws Emotionally).

Externally they might appear to be calm or even indifferent, but someone who is conflict avoidant is usually experiencing a high degree of stress internally.

Conflict avoidance is often rooted in unresolved childhood trauma where arguments or family conflict was out of control.

Alternatively, the person who is conflict avoidant might have had some other traumatic incident that gets triggered whenever there is a current conflict.  This might have involved a prior relationship where there was rage or even violence.  Or it might be related to some other prior traumatic experience (see my article: How is Emotional Avoidance Related to Unresolved Trauma?).

Whatever the cause for conflict avoidance, this person will try to dodge conflict in whatever way they can.

What Are the Negative Consequences of Conflict Avoidance?

Conflicts avoidance, even mild cases of it, is a serious issue.

The Negative Consequences of Conflict Avoidance

Not only does the conflict remain unresolved, but anger and resentment festers and grows.

The ongoing stress of conflict avoidance affects not only the couple but also their children who can sense there are problems below the surface that aren't being dealt with by the couple.

Conflict avoidance can cause chronic stress which can result in stress-related health and mental health problems including:

• Depression
• Anxiety
• Digestive problems
• Insomnia
• Headaches
• Muscle aches
• High blood pressure
• Strokes
• Weight gain
• Memory and concentration impairment

What to Do If You Are Conflict Avoidant

There are steps you can take if you are conflict avoidant, including:

• Work Through Unresolved Trauma in Trauma Therapy: You can work through your unresolved trauma in individual therapy so it no longer gets triggered now (see my article: Working Through Unresolved Trauma So It No Longer Affects You in the Present).

• Learn to Tolerate Uncomfortable Emotions in Individual Therapy: You can learn to develop the capacity to deal with uncomfortable emotions (see my article: Expanding Your Window of Tolerance For Uncomfortable Emotions).

• Work in Couples Therapy to Improve Communication in the Relationship: Developing good communication skills in your relationship is an important part of maintaining a healthy relationship (see my article: How to Become More Emotionally Available in Your Relationship).

Conclusion

Conflict avoidance is common.

People who are conflict avoidant often have prior unresolved trauma that gets triggered whenever there is an argument or conflict in their current relationship (see my article: How Unresolved Trauma Affects Your Ability to Be Emotionally Vulnerable in an Adult Relationship).

The long term consequences of conflict avoidance includes ongoing problems that remain unresolved, resentments that build up, chronic stress and stress-related health and mental health problems as well as a negative emotional impact on the couples' children.  

Get Help in Therapy to Salvage Your Relationship

A relationship where there is conflict avoidance can be salvaged in individual and couples therapy if the couple doesn't wait too long to get help and if they're willing to do the work on their relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

One of my specialties is helping clients to overcome trauma (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Reducing Emotional Reactivity and Arguments in Your Relationship - Part 2

In my prior article, 5 Tips for Reducing Emotional Reactivity and Arguments in Your Relationship - Part 1, I began a discussion about this topic.  In this article, I'll provide a clinical example to illustrate how to these tips work with a couple having these ongoing problems.

Clinical Example: Reducing Emotional Reactivity and Arguments in a Relationship

The following vignette, which is a composite of many vignettes, illustrates how a couple can learn to reduce their reactivity and arguments:

Ann and Bill

During their fourth year of marriage, Ann and Bill, who were both in their early 40s, considered getting a divorce because of their frequent arguments.

While they were dating, they hardly argued at all.  However, after they had their second child, the stressors involved with raising two children took a toll on their relationship to the point where they were arguing nearly everyday.  

When Ann suggested that they try couples therapy, Bill was skeptical at first. But he agreed to meet with a couples therapist to try to work things out between them.

Their couples therapist, who was an Emotionally Focused couples therapist, helped them to see the ongoing pattern of their interactions, their attachment styles and how their differences were impacting each other.

Ann learned that she tended to have more of an anxious attachment style with Bill, and Bill learned that he tended to have an avoidant attachment style with Ann.  Although this is a common dynamic in couples, it also creates problems.

Whenever there was a conflict, Ann would want to try to resolve things immediately due to her anxiety, and Bill preferred to withdraw for a few days because of his avoidant dynamic. Bill's avoidance exacerbated Ann's anxiety, and Ann's anxiety made Bill want to avoid the issues even more.  This often lead to a downward spiral between them.

Their EFT couples therapist helped them to each have more empathy for each other.  Ann learned to give Bill more time and space so that he could calm himself before he dealt with the conflict.  Bill learned to appreciate how anxious their arguments made Ann feel, and he also learned to be more specific in terms of how much time he needed, so Ann didn't feel like she was waiting for him indefinitely.

Each of them make an agreement to reduce their emotional reactivity by reducing their stress levels. Ann took up yoga, and Bill learned a breathing exercise.  They both began doing mindfulness meditation to reduce their overall stress, so they could approach each other in a calm way when disagreements arose.

In addition, they learned to be patient and engage in active listening with each other. Instead of being preoccupied with what they were going to say, they gave each other their full attention.

They also learned to ask questions if there was anything they didn't understand rather than jumping to conclusions and reacting based on those conclusions. They also learned to stop invalidating and belittling each other other during their disagreements.

Although they still had occasional disagreements, over time, they stopped having big contentious arguments.  They were each much happier in their relationship, and they decided to remain married.

Conclusion

The five tips for reducing emotional reactivity and arguments are as follows:

• Calm yourself before you react

• Make an agreement with your partner to reduce emotional reactivity.

• Tell your partner that you want to know what s/he needs from you.

• Make an effort to understand what your partner is trying to tell you.

• Don't invalidate or belittle your partner

Getting Help in Therapy

Many couples are unable to work through their issues on their own.  In addition, some couples are having a difficult time due to the stressors involved with the pandemic.

If you and your partner are unable to resolve your problems, you could benefit from seeing a couples therapist.

Rather than struggling on your own, if you and your partner are unable to resolve your problems, contact a licensed therapist who provides couples therapy.  

Working with an experienced couples therapist could save your relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing, EFT couples therapist and Sex Therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.