Understanding How Parental Conditional Love is Connected to Perfectionism and Shame

If you struggle with perfectionism, you might not understand why.  This article is about growing up with parents who give conditional love, and the connection between conditional love, perfection, and shame.

What Causes Perfectionism and Shame?

The feeling that you need to be perfect and the shame that comes with that are often linked to conditional love based on your accomplishments or being gratifying to your parents (see my article: The Connection Between Perfectionism and Shame).

Conditional Love, Perfection, Shame

Since there is no such thing as a perfect human being, these individuals grow up feeling ashamed whenever they're not perfect.

The roots of perfectionism and shame often include some of the following factors:

• The parents' excessive demands for high achievements with conditional love based on those achievements

• The parents' criticism as well as shame-inducing and controlling behavior when the child doesn't live up to the parents' perfectionistic standards

• The parents' All or nothing thinking 

• The child's feelings of inadequacy, low self esteem, shame and guilt for falling short of the parents' expectations

• The parents' excessive praise for achievements which they believe reflect well on them (conversely, if the child doesn't meet the parents' expectations, the parents feel this reflects poorly on them, which is why they often become angry and withhold love from the child).

This dynamic sets up an ongoing negative cycle of:

• Parents making demands of the child for perfection
• The child trying to be perfect for the parents but usually falling short (no one can be perfect)
• Parents withholding their love because the child hasn't met their demands
• The child feeling unlovable and ashamed
• Then cycle begins again

During those times when the child meets the parents' expectations (e.g, the child gets all A's on their report card), the parents are excessive in their praise, which sets up the child, who wants to be loved, to try to meet those standards every time to get the praise.

The demand for perfection can occur in many areas of a child's life:

• Perfect grades in school
• Perfect performance in sports
• Perfect eating habits
• Looking perfect, as defined by the parents' standards
• Getting the highest grades in the class
• Being chosen as the valedictorian
• And so on

Perfectionism and Shame in Adult Romantic Relationships

Children who grow up with parents who demand perfection as a condition for love will usually go above and beyond to try to meet their parents' expectations.  

Later on, as adults, they often choose emotionally unavailable partners who reinforce that they're only lovable or, more often unlovable. This is because these partners provide conditional love--like the parents did.  Usually the conditional love includes gratifying the partner's narcissistic needs.

More often than not, people who are perfectionists have internalized their parents' conditional love at such a deep level that they might not see the emotional abuse they endured with their parents or, as adults, with their romantic partners.

You might wonder why someone who was raised under these circumstances would choose a partner who was so like their parents. The answer is that these choices are made on an unconscious level as these individuals gravitate to partners who are familiar to them.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette illustrates the long term consequences of growing up in a home where parents demanded perfection.  This vignette is a composite of many cases with all identifying information removed. It is typical of many clinical cases where a person grew up with conditional love based on his achievements.

Ron

When Ron was a child, he often heard his father say things like, "If you can't do it right, don't do it at all," which made Ron anxious when he tried to do something new.  If Ron didn't understand it immediately, his father became impatient with Ron and yell.  

During those times, Ron's mother would withdraw because she was intimidated by the father. So, she wasn't able to defend Ron or provide him with emotional support.

Ron's father was the Little League coach for Ron's team.  Whenever Ron was at bat, he would be so nervous because he knew his father would yell at him in front of the other children if he missed the ball.  

After several incidents where Ron felt humiliated in front of his friends, he quit the team.  Then his father criticized him for being "a quitter," but Ron preferred that to having to deal his father's anger and disappointment every time he was at bat.

By the time Ron was in his mid-teens, his friends began dating girls. Ron felt too self conscious and ashamed to talk to any of the girls at school.  He acted like he didn't care about dating.  He pretended to be so busy with schoolwork that he didn't have time for girls. But, inwardly, he felt ashamed and annoyed with himself for not being able to talk to the girl he liked.

The following year there was another girl he had a crush on.  She liked him too. She was assertive so she asked him out and they became boyfriend and girlfriend until they each left for different colleges.  

By the time Ron sought help in therapy, he was in his early 30s and he had been in two serious relationships.  He was a little more confident than when he was a teenager, but most of the time the women he liked were the ones who pursued him.

Ron knew his perfectionism and shame were holding him back and it was surfacing in all areas of his life--his relationships, his work and in his friendships.

Whenever he was given a new task to do at work, he would get anxious because he was afraid of making a mistake. He could almost hear his father's voice scolding him for not doing the task perfectly (see my article: Overcoming Your Fear of Making a Mistake).

His therapist recommended that they do Ego State Therapy, which is a type of Parts Work similar to Internal Family Systems (IFS).  Ego States Therapy was developed by John and Helen Watkins in the 1970s, '80s and '90s.  

She asked Ron to remember a recent time when he felt he had to do something perfectly and where this was accompanied by shame (see my article: Shame is at the Root of Most Emotional Problems).

Ron remembered something that came up at work when he was attempting to solve a technical problem for the first time.  He remembered feeling that sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach and a heaviness in his chest as if his father was watching him and being critical.

When Ron was immersed in the memory along with the emotions and related bodily sensations, his therapist asked him to go back in time to the earliest time when he felt this way (this technique is called the Affect Bridge).

Experiential Trauma Therapy 

Ron's earliest memory of feeling this way was when he was four years old. His father was teaching him to play a board game for the first time and Ron wasn't understanding it.  He had the same emotions, sinking feeling and sense of heaviness.

Then, his therapist asked Ron to imagine someone who could have been there for him and who would have been an ally.  She added that it was clear there had been no one there for him at the time, but she wanted him to use his imagination.

After thinking for a bit, Ron said he would have wanted his first grade teacher, Ms. Simms to be there. This technique of imagining a nurturing figure who would have been helpful is called an imaginal interweave (for an explanation of imaginal interweaves and other forms of internal resources see this article I wrote).

His therapist asked what Ms. Simms would have done if she had been there and saw his father criticizing him and making Ron feel ashamed.  Ron said she would told his father in a polite, tactful way that this was not the way to talk to a child.  He also said he knew his father had a lot of respect for Ms. Simms so he would have listened to her.

Experiential Trauma Therapy

Ron and his therapist continued to work this way and, over time, Ron was able to work through his shame and his need to be perfect.  

Along the way, he also realized his paternal grandfather behaved in the same way with his father, so it was no surprise that Ron's father internalized this way of being and perpetuated it with Ron (see my article: Intergenerational Trauma).

Gradually, Ron overcame his traumatic experiences with experiential trauma therapy.

Conclusion

The vignette above is an abbreviated summary of one way an experiential trauma therapist would work with trauma (see my article: Why Experiential Therapy is More Effective Than Talk Therapy to Overcome Trauma).

The effect of perfectionism and shame show up in many different ways.  The vignette above is just one way.  

As mentioned before, many people, who grow up under these circumstances, often pick romantic partners who are similar to their parents, who demanded perfection.  These partners usually have narcissistic qualities that they have no insight into.

A person, who grew up being shamed for not being perfect, has a blind spot with regard to picking narcissistic partners.  

These narcissistic partners usually withhold their love if the individual isn't gratifying enough or doesn't make them look good in some way.  And, typical of people with narcissistic traits, they lack empathy for the partner they are shaming. This is because they don't relate to their partner as if the partner was a separate individual--as opposed to an extension of themself.

The Affect Bridge allows clients to connect emotional experiences they are having in the here-and-now with their origins from the past.  

The imaginal interweave, like was the first grade teacher, Ms. Simms in the vignette, gives clients a new healing experience that gets internalized (see my article: Developing Internal Resources and Coping Skills).

Imaginal interweaves are used throughout the course of experiential trauma therapy to counteract the effects of growing up with messages about perfection and shame. 

When to Get Help in Trauma Therapy

If you feel held back in your life by unresolved traumatic experiences, you could benefit from working with an experiential therapist who does trauma work (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

Once you're free from your traumatic history, you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am an experiential trauma therapist who works with individual adults and couples. I have helped clients to overcome trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Couples Who Want to Remain Monogamous Can Learn a Lot From Polyamorous Principles

There have more open discussions in recent years about the benefits of polyamory and other forms of consensual nonmonogamy. 

Polyamory is having more than one consensual romantic relationship at the same time and, there are many ways to have a consensual nonmonogamous relationship.

Monogamous Couples Can Learn From Polyamorous Principles

Despite there being more discussions about polyamory, it's difficult to know how many people in the United States are in some form of polyamorous or consensual nonmonogamous relationship. 

This is partly due to the stigma that still exists against these types of relationships, and negative stereotypes continue to run high.  So, people in these relationships are often reluctant to talk about reveal the nature of their relationship.  Nevertheless, most relationship experts give an estimate of 4-5% in the US.

Couples Who Want to Remain Monogamous Can Learn From Polyamorous Principles

Despite the increased prevalence of polyamory, it's not for everyone. 

The majority of people in relationships still want to remain monogamous.  But given the high rate of divorce, infidelity and sexual problems in relationships that supposed to be monogamous, many of these couples are realizing there's no one-size-fits-all way to be in a monogamous relationship.

Couples who want to remain monogamous can learn a lot from polyamorous principles without opening their relationship, including:

• Developing Open and Honest Communication Skills: Successful polyamorous relationships are based on good communication in terms of:

• Talking About Sexual Desire: This includes talking about the ebbs and flows of sexual desire, differences in sex drive, what each person likes or dislikes, and so on (see my articles: The Paradox of Love and Sexual Desire in a Committed Relationship and  How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex).

• Negotiating Boundaries: This includes agreeing to boundaries about people outside the relationship, including boundaries with friends, family members, personal schedules, and so on. (see my article: Setting Healthy Boundaries in Your Relationship).

Monogamous Couples Can Learn From Polyamorous Principles

• Changing Attitudes About the Relationship: What people want at the beginning of a relationship can be different from what they want a few years in.  It's important to acknowledge this and not assume you're both on the same page about everything, especially in a long term relationship.  

• Defining the Nature of the Relationship: Related to changing attitudes about the relationship: Two people who are in a long term monogamous relationship can each assume they both have the same perspective about their relationship--only to discover that this isn't the case.  For instance, one person might think that watching porn privately is no big deal while the other person considers it cheating.  This often leads to conflict because it was never discussed.

• Negotiating a Relationship Agreement: Since individual needs can change, in terms of defining the relationship, there are benefits to having a relationship agreement (see my article: The Advantages to Having a Relationship Agreement When You're in a Monogamous Relationship).

• Practicing Safe Sex: Since polyamory means being involved with more than just one person, people in successful polyamorous relationships talk about safe sex practices. In contrast, people who are in monogamous relationships often stop talking about safe sex and assume they no longer need to practice safe sex because their relationship is exclusive. But the high rate of infidelity among people who are supposed to be monogamous often means that people who cheat aren't practicing safe sex and could give their partner a sexually transmitted infection.  This needs to be discussed openly and honestly.

• Coping With Jealousy: Part of a successful polyamorous relationship is negotiating issues around jealousy. This doesn't mean that jealousy doesn't exist in these relationships. It just means that poly people talk about it and work towards a solution.  In contrast, there is a high degree of jealousy in monogamous relationships, and suspicious partners are more likely to check their partner's email and cellphone to see if they're cheating. In some monogamous relationships the jealousy and mistrust is so high that people put trackers on their partner's phone.  Granted--this often comes from discovering that a partner has been cheating, but not always. So, monogamous couples can learn to talk about their jealousy and try to find proactive ways of dealing with it (Overcoming Insecurity and Jealousy That's Ruining Your Relationship).

• Developing a Sense of Independence and Focusing on Personal Growth: Aside from having relationships with other people, people in successful polyamorous relationships allow their partners to have a sense of independence outside their relationship in terms of having their own friends, interests and other areas in their life. They talk to each other about their needs.  They also know that one person can't fulfill all their needs.  In contrast, many people in monogamous relationships end up sacrificing their own needs for their partner. This often leads to resentment and dissatisfaction with the relationship. Being able to talk openly about this issue is important and another area where monogamous individuals can learn from poly people (see my article: Growing as an Individual While You're in a Relationship).

Practical Steps You Can Take in Your Relationship

• Set a Regular Time to Have Open and Honest Communication: With people's busy schedules, it's easy to put relationship issues on the back burner, especially if one or both people tend to avoid it because they have difficulty expressing themselves when it comes to personal issues. Scheduling a regular time, whether it's once a week, bi-weekly or once a month, to have honest communication can help a couple to avoid misunderstandings and resentment.  This isn't a time to talk about work or your children. It's time dedicated to the relationship (see my article: How to Improve Communication in Your Relationship).

Monogamous Couples Can Learn From Polyamorous Principles

• Talk About How to Get Your Needs Met Outside the Relationship: You can't expect your partner to fulfill all your needs.  It's not possible without putting a heavy burden on your partner.  Even if you and your partner have agreed to be sexually and romantically monogamous, neither of you can meet all of the other's needs.  In the past, when extended families lived within close proximity to each other, there was always someone else to talk to, confide in, provide a compassionate ear or share an interest that a partner might not like.  But now with family members spread out all over the country and increasingly busy schedules, family support isn't always readily available. This means that couples are relying on each other much more now than couples ever did in the past. Not only is this stressful--it's not possible for any one person to take all of this on.  So, there needs to be other people, including friends, who take on some of these roles.

• Give Each Other Space to Be Independent People: One of the primary reasons why sexual desire goes out the window in many monogamous relationships is that each person has sacrificed their sense of independence and autonomy and they become emotionally "fused." Talk about how each of you can engage in activities that are separate from each. other.  Instead of doing everything together, find ways you can each develop your own interests. Or if you each already have interests that don't appeal to other partner, talk about how each of you can have space to engage in these activities. Not only will this give you a sense of increased well-being, but you can each bring back something new to each other which will enhance the relationship (see my article: Resist the Urge to Merge).

Conclusion

The vast majority of people, who want to remain monogamous, can learn a lot from people in polyamorous relationships in terms of improving communication, dealing with problems as they arise, recognizing they have different needs and they can't be fulfilled by one person, maintaining a sense of independence, and making room for autonomy and personal growth.

When Should You Seek Help in Therapy?

Many of the issues discussed in this article can be worked out without a mental health professional, but there are times when help is needed, including, but not limited to, when there are issues related to:

• Difficulty With Communicating Personal Needs: Many individuals have difficulty communicating their needs for a variety of reasons.  They might have been raised in a household where communicating personal needs was seen as indulgent or selfish.  Maybe they had hurtful experiences in other relationships where their emotional vulnerability was met with scorn.  Or there could be other reasons.  A skilled psychotherapist can help clients to define personal needs and help people to communicate these needs in a healthy way.

Seeking Help in Therapy For Relationship Issues

• Built Up Resentment: If problems have festered for a long time, it can be hard to broach certain relationship topics because they have become too fraught to discuss calmly.  A skilled psychotherapist can help a couple to move beyond their reactivity and resentments to understand the underlying issues and focus on the negative cycle instead of blaming each other (see my article: Overcoming the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship).

• Problems With Discrepancies in Sexual Desire: It's not unusual for two people to have differences in sexual desire.  One person might want to have sex several times a week and the other might prefer once a month or not at all.  This is one of the most common reasons why couples seek help. A skilled sex therapist can help a couple to overcome this issue (see my articles: Sexual Desire Discrepancy: What to Do If You and Your Partner Have Different Sex Drives? and To Rekindle Passion Fire Needs Air).

• Fear of Change: Many people would rather avoid talking about changes in the relationship because it feels too frightening to them. Their fears might be rooted in unresolved childhood trauma or traumatic experiences from prior relationships. An experienced therapist can help by working with the individual or couple to understand and work through these fears so that the couple no longer avoids discussing issues in the relationship (see my article: Fear of Change).

• Unresolved Issues Related to a History Cheating: Many couples avoid dealing with a history of cheating. Instead, they just agree to "move on" without understanding the underlying issues, which will be different for each individual, or addressing the impact on the relationship in terms of feelings of betrayal and mistrust.  However couples who work through issues in couples therapy develop a stronger relationship (see my article: Coping With Betrayal in a Relationship).

• Denial: Denial is a powerful defense mechanism. People who are fear making changes often convince themselves that "everything will work out" without the couple doing anything to improve things.  Fear gets in the way of discussing difficult issues.  Then, something happens to challenge this assumption--the discovery of an affair, one partner saying they want out of the relationship or some other crisis that shakes their confidence that things will work out on their own.  A skilled couples therapist can help the couple to deal with the crisis and get to the other side where they can finally address issues they have been avoiding.

• Distorted Beliefs About Relationships: People who believe that "love conquers all" or other myths can become disillusioned when they realize that it takes more than love to work out important issues in relationships.  There are many people in relationships who love each other, but they can't work out their problems.  A skilled couples therapist can help a couple to overcome distorted beliefs so they can deal with the problems in their relationship.

Problems that you might have thought were beyond fixing often have solutions.

Rather than avoiding problems in your relationship, seek help from a licensed mental health professional.

Seeking help in therapy sooner rather than later can enable you to work out problems and have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples and I have helped many clients to work through relationship problems, including issues related to trauma (see my article:What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Overcoming Your Fear of Change

Making a change can be challenging, especially when change involves major life transitions. When you think about making a change, you might go back and forth, not knowing what to do.  But it's not unusual to have mixed feelings about making a transition, even when you know logically that it would be for the best.

Fear of Change

What Does Fear of Change Look Like?

For instance, if we know that you have outgrown your current job and you need a change, you can find painful to face this. 

You might procrastinate taking the necessary steps--whether it involves going for additional training or education or starting a job search, because you might fear the unknown and tell yourself:

• "What will happen if I leave my secure but boring job?"

• "What if it turns out to be a bad decision?"

• "What if I don't succeed?"

And on and on until you're paralyzed into inaction.

Ultimately, you might decide to stay at your job for a variety of reasons, but you'll be making an active decision instead of getting stuck in indecision (see my article: Fear of Making a Decision: When Indecision Becomes a Decision).

It often helps to be able to talk to trusted friends and loved ones, especially if they have gone through their own life transitions successfully.

But sometimes friends and loved ones don't know what to say or, worse still, their own fear of change might cause them to advise you not to make any changes.

The other possibility is that, after a while, they might get tired of hearing you go back and forth about a decision and they won't know how to get you "unstuck" so you can overcome the obstacles that are keeping you from changing.

At that point, it would be helpful to seek help from a professional who has assisted clients to overcome the psychological blocks that keep you stuck (see my article: Overcoming Emotional Blocks in Therapy).

Some Questions to Ask Yourself

• How would I feel if I continued to be stuck in this situation for another year? another two years? or five years?

• What if I allowed my fear and mixed feelings to keep me stuck indefinitely?

• Would I look back at my life and say: If only I had made that change when I was younger, maybe I would be where I wanted to be today?

Getting Help in Therapy
There are times when you're unable to work out problems on your own.

Working with a skilled psychotherapy can help you to overcome the fear and ambivalence keeping you stuck.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist. 

I work with individual adults and couples and I have helped many clients to overcome fear of change.

To find out more about me, please visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

For a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How to Be Emotionally Supportive When Your Partner is Attending Trauma Therapy

People who are attending trauma therapy can benefit greatly from emotional validation and support from their partner (see my articles: What is Emotional Validation and Why Is It Such a Powerful Relationship Skill?, How to Develop Emotional Validation Skills and How to Become a Better Partner in Your Relationship).

How to Be Emotionally Supportive of Your Partner Who is in Trauma Therapy

How to Be Emotionally Supportive of Your Partner Who is in Trauma Therapy

Most people want to be emotionally supportive of a partner who is in trauma therapy. They have good intentions, but they might not know how to be supportive.  As a result, they end up unintentionally saying and doing things that can be harmful.

Tips on How to Be Emotionally Supportive When Your Partner is Attending Trauma Therapy:

• Keep an Open Mind: Recognize that you might not understand why your partner's experiences were traumatic. What is considered traumatic to one person might not be traumatic to another person.  Each person's experience is unique. So although you might not think your partner's experiences were traumatic, you also might not understand the psychological impact of these experiences.  Try to keep an open mind and see things from your partner's perspective.

• Show Empathy: Trauma therapy can be challenging. By showing your emotional support and empathy, you encourage your partner to continue to do the work in therapy to completion.  

How to Be Emotionally Supportive of Your Partner Who is in Therapy

• Be Patient and Don't Be Judgmental: Trauma therapy can bring up difficult emotions. If your partner is having a hard time, try to be patient and nonjudgmental.  In addition, trauma therapy is in-depth therapy that might take longer than you expect.  So, manage your expectations. 

• Remember: Progress Not Perfection: Progress in therapy isn't linear. Progress can mean two steps forward and one step backward.  Instead of a linear process, progress in therapy can be more like a spiral.  This is to be expected, especially in trauma therapy (see my article: Progress in Psychotherapy Isn't Linear).

• Validate Your Partner's Efforts in Therapy: While your partner is in trauma therapy, they could benefit from your emotional validation. So, rather than minimizing or dismissing your partner's efforts, validate and support them.

How to Be Emotionally Supportive of Your Partner Who is in Therapy

• Avoid Invalidating Your Partner With Toxic Positivity: Attending trauma therapy to takes courage. Your partner can be retraumatized if you invalidate their experiences because your invalidation might be a repetition of what they experienced in the original trauma. Toxic positivity includes invalidating statements that are minimizing and dismissive of another person's experience. Examples of invalidating statements include saying "Just get over it," or "It's in the past so why are you focusing on it now?" or "Be strong." Although traumatic experiences might have occurred in the past, their psychological impact usually lives on in the present.  In addition, recognize that when a partner engages in emotional invalidation, it often means they haven't dealt with their own trauma. If you're invalidating your partner with toxic positivity, it might be useful for you to step back and think about whether your partner's decision to attend trauma therapy has triggered something in you about your own unresolved experiences (see my article: How to Develop and Use Emotional Validation Skills in Your Relationship and Why Toxic Positivity is Harmful).

How to Be Emotionally Supportive of Your Partner Who is in Therapy

• Maintain Healthy Boundaries and Respect Your Partner's Privacy in Therapy: It can be tempting to ask your partner questions about the content of their therapy sessions, especially if you think your partner is talking about you. But it's important to respect your partner's privacy and maintain appropriate boundaries. If your partner gets into the habit of sharing the content of their therapy sessions with you, it can interfere with the therapy. This type of sharing on a regular basis, in effect, puts you in the therapy session in your partner's mind. As a result, they might unconsciously censor what they tell their therapist because it's as if you're in the therapy room with them.

• Don't Try to Compete With Your Partner's Therapist: It's not unusual to feel jealous of a partner's therapeutic relationship with their therapist. Your partner might be revealing personal information about their history that they haven't shared with you yet.  This might make you feel uncomfortable and competitive with your partner's therapist. Without even realizing it, you might say or do things that undermine your partner's therapy.  So be aware of this, and if you're tempted to do it, don't give in to that urge.

• Avoid Being Critical of Your Partner Attending Therapy When You and Your Partner Are Arguing: People often say things they don't mean during an argument. During a heated argument, don't throw your partner's therapy in their face. Using your partner's therapy as a weapon to shame them and make them feel guilty will backfire because it would be hurtful to your partner and to your relationship. 

• Find Ways to Be Helpful While Your Partner is in Therapy: Although trauma therapy offers an opportunity to get free from a traumatic past, it can also be intense at times. Try to find ways to be helpful to your partner by asking if there is anything you can do to make their life easier. 

Conclusion:

You have an important role in your partner's life and overall well-being. 

Being emotionally supportive of your partner, who is attending trauma therapy, can make all the difference for your partner and your relationship. It can also bring you closer together.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing, Sex Therapist and Trauma Therapist (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to overcome unresolved trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Understanding Why Toxic Positivity is Harmful to Yourself and Your Loved Ones

I began a discussion in my last article, What is Toxic Positivity? by defining toxic positivity and giving examples of it. 

As a recap from my last article: Toxic positivity rejects difficult emotions (anger, sadness, shame, resentment, jealousy, envy and so on) with an attitude of "good vibes only."  

In other words, instead of dealing with actual emotions, toxic positivity only allows positive emotions at the expense of true emotions.

The Harmful Effects of Toxic Positivity

Why is Toxic Positivity Harmful?

Toxic positivity is harmful because it invalidates a person's real experiences.  Instead of being able to share what's really going on emotionally and getting emotional support, a person who is confronted with toxic positivity has their feelings dismissed, ignored or invalidated.

In addition, toxic positivity is:  

• Shaming: When someone discloses difficult emotions and they are met with toxic positivity, they usually experience their emotions as shameful. The message they get is that their feelings are unacceptable.  Instead of feeling cared for and emotionally validated, they are met with judgment which is presented to them as if it's helpful, but it's not.  

• Guilt-inducing: Aside from feeling ashamed, someone who reveals challenging emotions and is met with toxic positivity can feel guilty for feeling the way they do.

The Harmful Effects of Toxic Positivity

• Emotionally Avoidant: Toxic positivity is used to avoid uncomfortable feelings.  This often occurs because people have their own problems with challenging emotions and they can only tolerate "good vibes."

• An Impediment to Psychological Growth and Insight: Instead of dealing with challenging emotions, a person who uses toxic positivity doesn't grow psychologically. They also don't develop insight into their problems because they are avoiding them.

Clinical Vignette:

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases, reveals the harmful effects of toxic positivity and how therapy can help:

Nina

When Nina confided in her older sister, Jane, that she was sad about her breakup with Joe, she was seeking emotional support from Jane.  But Jane brushed off Nina's sadness by telling her, "I don't understand why you're sad. You're so much better off without him. You both want different things.  Just move on and get back out there to meet someone new."

Nina knew that ending her five year relationship with Joe was for the best.  She and Joe each had a very different vision of what they wanted in life, which was something Nina had ignored throughout their five years together.  

But when he told her that he knew he didn't want to have children and his long term plan was to move back to his small hometown in the Midwest, Nina knew for sure it wasn't going to work out between them, and she ended it.

Even though she knew she made the right decision, she also knew this was a significant loss for her.  At 28, she had only ever been in one serious relationship, which was her relationship with Joe.  And even though she knew that, unlike Joe, she wanted children and she wanted to stay in New York City, she still missed him.

After she spoke with her sister, Nina wondered if she was wrong to feel sad about her recent breakup.  She felt ashamed and guilty for feeling sad.  But no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't to brush aside her feelings.

Whens she spoke to her best friend, Carol, Carol told Nina that her emotions didn't seem unusual, "Of course, you feel sad. Joe was a big part of your life."  Then, she suggested that Nina seek help in therapy to deal with her feelings.

Her therapist validated Nina's feelings and told her that she was having a common response to a breakup.  Then she provided Nina with psychoeducation about toxic positivity.

The Harmful Effects of Toxic Positivity

As Nina thought about it, she realized that everyone in her family--her mother, father, and older sister often responded in this invalidating way when she felt sad, angry or frustrated.

Each family member had their own way of being emotionally invalidating.  Her mother usually interrupted Nina whenever Nina was trying to get emotional support from her by saying in a cheerful tone, "It will all look better in the morning."  This left Nina feeling alone and unsupported.

Her father usually responded to Nina by telling her, "Instead of focusing on what you don't have, focus on being grateful for what you do have," which made Nina feel guilty and ashamed for being concerned about her problems.

Over time, Nina worked in therapy to grieve the loss of her relationship. She felt emotionally supported and validated by her therapist.

She also learned to accept her emotions instead of second guessing herself.  She realized her family responded to her the way they did because they had their own problems with challenging emotions.  She came to understand that when she brought up her difficult emotions, they felt defensive and relied on toxic positivity to avoid their own unpleasant feelings.

Eventually, after Nina grieved the end of her relationship, she was able to begin dating again.  

She also grieved in therapy for the emotional validation she didn't receive growing up.  This was part of her trauma therapy.

In time, she no longer felt ashamed or guilty for feeling sad and she learned to accept all of her emotions--not just the pleasant ones.

How to Avoid Toxic Positivity

• Accept All of Your Emotions: Accepting your emotions doesn't mean you like the discomfort you are experiencing.  It just means that, instead of denying your feelings, you acknowledge them without judgment or self criticism.  

• Cultivate Self Compassion: In the same way you would be compassionate towards a loved one who was suffering, develop compassion for yourself. 

• Know That It's Okay to Have Difficult Emotions: Know that you're having a common experience when you feel sad, angry, disappointed, frustrated or experience other challenging emotions. Having these emotions doesn't make you less than anyone else. It just makes you human.

• Be Assertive in Challenging People Who Are Toxically Positive With You: If someone is invalidating your emotions, you can set a boundary with them in a tactful way. You don't have to listen to advice that includes toxic positivity.  By being assertive, you will be asserting your right to have your own emotional experiences without judgment, shame or guilt.

Conclusion

Toxic positivity is a mindset which states that people should remain positive regardless of what is going on for them.  It invalidates people's genuine emotions with superficial platitudes and pressures them to do things like "always look on the bright side" when that's not what they're feeling.

People who engage in toxic positivity might have good intentions, but their platitudes leave loved ones who are struggling emotionally feeling alone, emotionally invalidated, dismissed, ignored, shamed or guilty.

People who use toxic positivity are often unable to tolerate their own uncomfortable emotions, and they impose their discomfort on others under the guise of "being positive."  

You can learn to be self compassionate by accepting your emotions and practicing self validation (see my article: What is Self Validation?).

When to Get Help in Therapy

Growing up with toxic positivity is traumatic.  You internalize these toxic messages at a deep level.  Often this results in self doubt about your emotional experiences, which leaves you feeling guilty, ashamed and unworthy.

If you have been traumatized by toxic positivity since childhood, you could benefit from working with a trauma therapist (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

In trauma therapy, you can learn to let go of the emotionally invalidating messages internalized so that you can accept your emotions, validate yourself and learn to be self compassionate.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a trauma therapist who works with individual adults and couples. 

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What is Toxic Positivity?

While there are many benefits to positive thinking, including stress relief and increased resilience, toxic positivity is harmful.   

Toxic positivity rejects difficult emotions with an attitude of "good vibes" only.  It aims to present a facade of inauthentic cheerfulness. 

Rather than allowing yourself or others to acknowledge difficult emotions, you invalidate these experiences with toxic positivity (see my articles: What is Emotional Validation? and What is Self Validation?).

What is Toxic Positivity?

Toxic positivity only allows for positive emotions at the expense of your true emotions.  Over time, when you engage in toxic positivity, instead of being genuine, you create a false self (see my article:  What is a False Self?).

Signs of Toxic Positivity

• Minimizing or dismissing your own experiences or the experiences of others
• Denying genuine emotions such as sadness, anger, grief, feelings of loss or helplessness or other challenging emotions
• Shaming yourself or others for having difficult emotions
• Wanting to feel only "good vibes" all the time
• Feeling guilty for feeling difficult emotions
• Being intolerant of difficult emotions
• Feeling the need to be constantly busy in order to push down difficult emotions (see my article: Are You "Keeping Busy" to Avoid Painful Emotions?)

And so on.

Examples of Toxic Positivity

Toxic positivity can take many forms.  The following examples are just a few of the things that people say to themselves or to others, which are often meant to be helpful but which minimize, dismiss and invalidate genuine emotions:

• Death of a Loved One: Going through grief after the death of a loved one is a normal experience (see my article: Allowing Room For Grief).
• Invalidating statements include:
• "You shouldn't feel sad." 
• "She's in a better place."
• "He wouldn't have wanted you to be so sad."
• "It's been six months. Why are you still so sad?"

• Breakup of a Relationship: Ending a relationship, even one that was unhealthy, is a loss and it's important to acknowledge and work through that loss (see my article: 7 Reasons You Might Be Struggling With a Breakup).
• Invalidating statements include:
• "You're better off without him."
• "Why are you so sad when you were the one who broke up with her?"
• "Just get back out there and find someone else."
• "The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else."

• Loss of a Job: The loss of a job, even a difficult job, is still a loss (see my article: Job Loss and Loss of Identity).
• Invalidating statements include:
• "Look at the bright side. Now you don't have to deal with your difficult boss."
• "Cheer up. It's not the end of the world."
• "It's only a job. No one died."
• "It's not as bad as it seems."
• "Look for the silver lining. Now you have more time to relax."

• A Serious Medical Diagnosis: Getting news about a serious medical diagnosis can be frightening (see my article: Serious Medical Problems Can Change the Way You Feel About Yourself).
• Invalidating statements include:
• "Stop complaining. Other people have it much worse than you."
• "Stop worrying. Just be positive."
• "Don't make a mountain out of a mole hill."
• "Stop being so negative."
• "It will all be okay."

• Coping With a Traumatic Experience: Reactions to trauma are unique for each person. What might not be traumatic for one person--even someone from the same family--might be traumatic for another (see my article: When Your Traumatic Past Lives on in the Present).
• Invalidating statements include:
• "You think that's traumatic? When I was a kid, I had it much worse."
• "It's all in your head."
• "Stop being so negative."
• "I thought you were stronger than that."

Next Article:

In my next article, I'll discuss the harmful effects of toxic positivity and how to avoid them: Why is Toxic Positivity Harmful?.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapy).

I work with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.