Bisexuality and Biphobia

Biphobia is a pervasive problem within the heterosexual world as well as in the LGBTQ world.

What is Bisexuality?

Before defining biphobia, it's important to define bisexuality, which is a broad and inclusive term that can include physical attraction, romantic or sexual attraction that is not limited to one sex.

With regard to sexual orientation, bisexuality includes both heterosexual (different sex) and homosexual (same sex) attraction or behavior.  

The Bisexual Pride Flag was created by Bisexual Activist Michael Page in 1998

As most people know, homophobia is a dislike or prejudice against gay people.  

Similarly, biphobia is a prejudice or dislike of people who are bisexual.  

Depending upon how a bisexual person defines themselves, this could include:

• An attraction to men and women
• An attraction to the same and different genders
• Love beyond gender
• An attraction regardless of sex or gender

Similar to any sexual orientation, there are many ways to be bisexual and each person who identifies as bisexual will identify in the way that feels right for them.

The following are examples of just some of the many ways that bisexual people identify themselves and they are all valid:

• Carol:  For the first 25 years of her life, Carol identified as heterosexual and she dated men.  When she turned 25, she joined a women's support group where there were heterosexual women, lesbians and bisexual women.  After socializing with these women over time, Carol realized that she felt attracted to a few of the lesbian and bisexual women in the group.  She realized she had attractions for both men and women, and she began to identify herself as bisexual.  Over time, she felt comfortable dating and having sex with both men and women.

• Jane: From a young age, Jane knew she was attracted to both men and women.  She thought of herself as bisexual, but she only dated men throughout high school because she didn't know of any other bisexual women in her small town. But when she went away to college, she met lesbian and bisexual women and she dated them as well as men she was attracted to at the college.  After she graduated from college, she moved back to her town where there were no lesbian or bisexual women that Jane knew of and so she resumed dating men.  But she continued to identify herself as bisexual because she was aware that she was still attracted to women (as well as men) and if she ever had the opportunity to date women again, she would.

• John: Throughout high school, John maintained a four year relationship with a woman at his school.  After they graduated, they both went to different colleges and they planned to continue in a long distance relationship.  But when John went to college, he met a few gay and bisexual men he was sexually attracted to, so he let her girlfriend know that he wanted to be free to date men, and they broke up.  Initially, John felt confused about his sexual and romantic attractions to men because he continued to be attracted to women.  But as he continued to date men, he felt more comfortable identifying himself as bisexual.  Occasionally, he still dated women at college, but he was mostly drawn to men.  He told his friends that, even though he discovered that he was more interested in men, he didn't want to negate the fact that he had genuinely loved his ex-girlfriend and he was still attracted to women.  

• Bill: From an early age, Bill was aware that he had crushes on both girls and boys.  He never told anyone about his crushes on boys because he was afraid he would be teased or ridiculed if he came out as bisexual.  But once he moved to New York City to live on his own, he had an opportunity to explore his bisexuality with cisgender men and women as well as trans women and men.  His attractions felt comfortable to him.  Sometimes, he wondered if he should identify as pansexual, but the bisexual identification felt truer to him.

As I mentioned above, these vignettes represent only some of the ways that people identify their bisexuality.  Each person identifies their bisexuality in a way that feels right for them.

What is Biphobia?

Biphobia is prejudice, fear or hatred directed at bisexual people and includes:

• Making jokes or comments based on old stereotypes that attempt to undermine the identification of a bisexual person, including:

• Telling someone that their bisexuality is "just a phase" that they'll overcome at some point.

• Telling someone they are "greedy" for wanting to be with more than one sex or gender

What is Bisexual Erasure?

Bisexual erasure is a manifestation of biphobia.  

Bisexual erasure, also known as bisexual invisibility, is a form of prejudice where the legitimacy of bisexuality is questioned or denied.

As previously mentioned, this includes telling a bisexual person that they're just "going through a phase" or that they are "just experimenting" and eventually they will be either gay or heterosexual.

Another example of bisexual erasure is when someone accuses a bisexual person of not wanting to admit they are gay.  So, in other words the person's bisexuality is not seen as being legitimate.

Another way of questioning or denying a person's bisexuality is to say that the person is "just confused."

Some people also deny a person's bisexual identity if that person has only had relationships with different sex or gender.  This is bisexual erasure because it doesn't matter if the person who identifies as bisexual has gone out with or had sex with same sex people. 

There is no "test" or need for proof to determine whether someone is bisexual. Someone can identify as bisexual even if they never act on it and it's up to them to say how they identify.

Another example of bisexual erasure is when people say, "Everyone is bisexual" (or some people say, "All women are bisexual").   But this is not true because everyone, including women, don't all identify as bisexual.  Saying that everyone is bisexual makes people who actually identify as bisexual invisible.

What is Internalized Biphobia?

Internalized biphobia occurs when bisexual people internalize the harmful and untrue things people have told them which, in addition to the prejudiced comments mentioned above, include:

• Bisexuality is not real.
• Bisexuals are cheaters.
• Bisexuals can't possibly be in successful monogamous relationships.
• Bisexuals are just attention seeking.

Resources For Bisexual People

Because there is so much biphobia, it's important for people who identify as bisexual to find community among other bisexual individuals:

The LGBTQ Center in New York City is a resource for the LGBTQ community which provides support groups, mental health services, meetings, social events and more.

    Located at

    208 West 13th Street, New York, NY 10011

    Telephone Number: (212) 620-7310

Identity House in New York City is located in the LGBT Center: 208 West 13 Street (see above).  Their services include peer counseling and come out groups.

The Bisexual Resource Center provides information and support online as well as in person Meetup groups in the Boston area.

Also see my article: The Fetishization of Lesbian and Bisexual Women is a Social Justice Issue

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and people in relationships.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

    

Relationships: Being Dishonest About the Financial Aspects of Your Relationship

In general, money is a big issue in many relationships.  For many couples personal finances are a point of contention when they either don't agree about financial issues or one or both of them is lying or keeping secrets about money.  In addition, money is often symbolic of power and it can become part of a power struggle in a relationship (see my article: Talk to Your Partner About Money Before You Get Married or Enter Into a Committed Relationship).

Financial Infidelity in Relationships

A January 2022 survey by US News & World Report revealed that as many as one in three couples in the US are dealing with financial infidelity.  Other surveys indicate that it's a growing problem in relationships. 

Of the couples who were dealing with financial infidelity, 76% said it had a negative impact on their relationship and 10% indicated that it led to a divorce (see my articles: Talk to Your Spouse About Money and Are You Arguing About Money in Your Relationship?).

What is Financial Infidelity?

Since it's such a big problem, let's start by defining what financial infidelity means:  Financial infidelity occurs when one or both partners in a relationship, who have some form of combined income, engage in financial behavior they know their partners would disapprove of and they lie or keep it a secret (see my article: Coping With Secrets and Lies in Your Relationship).

Financial infidelity includes, but is not limited to the following activities:

• Hiding debts, including credit card debt, loans, gambling debts and so on
• Hiding purchases of big gifts for friends, relatives, extramarital affairs or others
• Making other big purchases without letting a partner know
• Lying about how money was spent
• Lending large sums of money to friends, relatives or others without letting a partner know (see my article: Are Your Relatives Financial Problems Affecting Your Relationship?)
• Engaging in secret shopping
• Overspending as a maladaptive way to cope with emotional issues and keeping it a secret (see my article: Learn to Stop Overspending as a Way to Cope With Discomfort).
• Gambling in secret (casinos, card games, lottery tickets, etc)
• Keeping secret bank, credit card or payment accounts 
• Engaging in secret discretionary purchases (vacations, spas, clothing, jewelry and other expenses)

Why Do People Engage in Financial Infidelity?

Talking about money can feel uncomfortable or shameful.

Financial Infidelity in Relationships

In addition, many people who enter into a relationship where they are combining income (or a certain portion of income) never talk about money beforehand.  

There are many reasons why people engage in financial infidelity, including:

• An Attempt to Maintain Autonomy:  Many people use money, consciously or unconsciously, as an attempt to maintain a sense of autonomy and reassert power in a  relationship.  They might not have learned how to be part of a couple and also be an individual at the same time so committing financial infidelity gives them a sense of independence (see my article: Growing as an Individual While You're in a Relationship).

• An Attempt to Avoid a Confrontation: This is the most common reason for financial infidelity. It often occurs because people don't know how to talk about these issues or they fear confrontation in general (see my article: Changing Maladaptive Coping Strategies: Avoidance).

• A Sense of Shame About Money: Many people grew up in households or in cultures where talking about money is considered shameful.  There might also have been secrets and lies about money (see my article: Toxic Family Secrets).  Many others feel so ashamed of their debt or expenses that they don't want their partners to find out about it.  If they are hiding debt, they might rationalize to themselves that they will repay the money before their partners find out about it (see my article: Shame is at the Root of Most Emotional Problems).

Signs of Financial Infidelity

• Unexplained large withdrawals from joint accounts
• The discovery of a secret bank or credit card account
• The discovery of a secret payment account, like Venmo or Paypal
• Larger than normal cash withdrawals
• Checks made out to cash
• Other unexplained expenditures

Vignettes 

The following vignettes, which are composites of many different cases with all identifying information removed, are common examples of financial infidelity that bring people into couples therapy:

Patty and Ed:

Six months after they got married, Patty found out that Ed was over his head in credit card debt when they were exploring the possibility of getting a mortgage and Patty obtained credit reports.  The credit reports revealed Ed's $20,000 debt, which he had never disclosed to Patty before they got married--even though they had attended pre-marital counseling which included discussions about personal finances.  

Financial Infidelity in Relationships

She wondered if there were other things he was hiding from her.  Ed said he knew she would discover the debt at some point, but he couldn't bring himself to tell her because he felt so ashamed of it.  Patty felt so betrayed that she asked Ed to move out while she thought about whether she wanted to remain in their marriage.  A week later, Patty agreed to allow Ed to move back in but only on the condition they attend couples therapy to deal with this breach of trust.  In their couples therapy sessions, Ed realized he tended to overspend as a way to boost his low sense of self worth.  Since they got married, he stopped overspending, but he was still struggling with low self confidence.  Over time, as they worked on their issues in couples therapy, Patty forgave Ed for not disclosing his debt before they got married.  They worked on the underlying issues in couples therapy as well as rebuilding trust.  Ed also started individual therapy to deal with low self esteem.  In addition, they sought help from a financial advisor so they could get their finances in order.

Alice and Bill: 

Alice and Bill were married for five years.  When they first got married, they decided to keep whatever money they had before the marriage separate and open a joint bank account for saving and big purchases.  Other than that, they didn't have a discussion about money before they got married.  One day when Alice was going through the mail, she inadvertently opened a letter addressed to Bill from a debt collection agency and she was shocked to read that Bill had a $5,000 debt which he never revealed to her.  

Financial Infidelity in Relationships

Later that night, Alice and Bill got into an argument about the debt.  At first, Bill was angry that Alice opened his mail--even though he knew it was a mistake.  By the next day, he admitted he had other financial accounts he never revealed to Alice because having these accounts gave him a sense of independence.  Soon after that, Alice and Bill entered into couples therapy to talk about the underlying issues in their relationship that led to this financial infidelity and they were able to work through these issues.  They also sought help from a financial advisor.

Bob and Tom:

Two years after they got married, Bob discovered an email addressed to Tom from a payment account that revealed $2,000 was transferred from their joint checking account to an unknown vendor.  When Bob confronted Tom about this expense, at first, Tom said he had never authorized this expenditure and it was a mistake.  

Financial Infidelity in Relationships

But when Bob asked Tom to contact the bank in front of him about this error, Tom balked.  Then, he admitted he was trying to hide that he was using a male escort service.  He thought he could replace the money before Bob noticed it was missing from their account.  He also knew Bob didn't check their accounts regularly.  When he heard Tom's explanation, Bob couldn't understand this because they had a consensual nonmonogamous relationship.  Their agreement was they could have sex with other people as long as they each knew about the other's sex partners and they didn't form emotional ties with these other individuals. They were both aware of the other people they each had sexual relationships with and it had never been a problem before.  Tom admitted that, in addition to the individuals he met up with at bars, which Bob knew about, he also had secret visits to see sex workers because it excited him to have this secret. Over time, he felt guilty about it, but then he felt too ashamed to tell Bob about it.  He said he was working on this issue in his individual therapy, but it was still a problem for him.  Two week later, Bob and Tom entered into couples therapy to work on the breach in their consensual nonmonogamous agreement and the financial infidelity.

Jane and Lilly:

Three years after they moved in together and they combined their finances, Jane happened to see a text flash on Lilly's phone while Lilly was in the shower.  The text was from Lilly's younger sister, Nina.  Jane was shocked to see the text from Nina, which was pleading for more money.  Lilly had never revealed to Jane that she was lending Nina money.  So, when Lilly came into their bedroom after her shower, she was caught off guard when Jane confronted her about the text. 

Financial Infidelity in Relationships

After stonewalling for an hour, Lilly admitted she lent Nina $3,000 from Jane and Nina's joint account because Nina was heavily in debt. Lilly said she felt too uncomfortable to tell Jane about it.  She admitted she knew that Jane never looked at the bank statements and she hoped to replace the money before Jane found out.  Jane was outraged. She knew Lilly had a hard time setting boundaries with Nina, but she considered this breach of trust to be serious enough to insist they attend couples therapy to deal with it as well as other underlying issues that led to this problem.  Over time, their relationship improved while they were attending couples therapy, and Lilly learned to set limits with her sister.

How to Avoid Financial Infidelity

• Talk About Finances Before Getting Married or Entering Into a Committed Relationship Where You Will Be Combining Income:  The best way to avoid financial infidelity is to come clean about finances before you enter into a serious relationship.  Although it might feel uncomfortable at first, you will avoid problems later on (as shown in the vignettes above).

• Reveal All Finances to Your Partner: Whether you decide to combine all or part of your finances, reveal all aspects of your finances to your partner.  All accounts should be open and accessible and financial transactions should be transparent to both people.  In addition, have regular discussions about money.

• Seek Help in Therapy to Deal with the Underlying Emotional Issues: Whether you are hiding aspects of your finances or you are tempted to do so, deal with the underlying issues in individual or couples therapy.  Shame is a major underlying issue when it comes to money, which can be complicated by a family history of financial secrecy or discomfort with talking about money.  Fear of confrontation is also the most common issue with regard to financial infidelity.  It can be difficult to own up to this problem, but dealing it with early in your relationship can avoid bigger problems in the future (see my article: Learning to Trust Again After a Betrayal).

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples and I have helped many clients to deal with the underlying issues that contribute to financial infidelity.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Based on Sex Research: What Gets Women Turned On?

According to a February 2019 article in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, women get sexually turned on by three specific factors: emotional intimacy, experiencing their partner as being separate from themselves and, most importantly, being viewed as attractive and sexually desirable by their partner. I will unpack these concepts briefly in this blog article (see my articles: Sexual Pleasure and the Erotic Self - Part 1 and Part 2).

Sex Research: What Gets Women Turned On?

A group of sex researchers led by Sofia Prekatsounaki, M.S., surveyed over 600 women who were in serious or casual relationships and found that the following three factors increased sexual desire in women:

Intimacy:

Women in the survey reported that intimacy, which is a close and deep emotional connection with another person, is an important aspect with regard to women's sexual desire.  

Whereas men usually need sex as a way to connect emotionally, women often need emotional connection to connect emotionally (see my article: Whereas Women Usually Need Emotional Connection to Connect Sexually, Men Often Need Sex to Connect Emotionally).

Emotional Intimacy Turns On Most Women

Celebrated Otherness: Experiencing Yourself as Separate From Your Partner

Aside from the findings based on this research study, Dr. Esther Perel, sex and couples therapist, who wrote Mating in Captivity: How to Keep Desire and Passion Alive in Long Term Relationships, sexual desire thrives on otherness or separateness, which allows for the space between the self and the other.  

This space allows for the unknown, the novel, the unexpected, surprise and risk.  Dr. Perel posits that love and desire aren't always driven by the same things.  

The factors that drive love and desire are the opposite for many people.  While love is driven by commitment, intimacy and egalitarianism, sexual desire is driven by mystery, distance, risk and playfulness.

What Gets Women Turned On?

In addition, the sex researchers for this study found that there was a particular type of "otherness" that was important with regard to sexual desire.  

This otherness was the opposite of fusion of two people in a relationship.  It is not the kind of otherness that results in unrequited love or other forms of disconnection or alienation.  

This otherness emphasizes the autonomy of each person in the relationship as well as an investment in each other.

Object-of-Desire Affirmation: Feeling Attractive and Desirable

This was the most significant factor for women in terms of feeling sexually desirable.  Object-of-desire affirmation means being viewed as attractive and desirable by another person.  

Feeling Attractive and Sexually Desirable

According to the researchers, women often assume an erotic self-focus (instead of a relational self focus) during sexual activities.  

Feeling good about themselves and their bodies is an important element in women's sexual desire and satisfaction.  In addition to feeling good about themseleves, the external validation from a partner is an important factor.

Sex researchers have discovered that when women have sexual fantasies, they tend to be self focused.  

Based on this and other related research, this self focus is more important in terms of getting turned on than who they are fantasizing about.  

They can fantasize about strangers or even faceless individuals as long as they feel they are being perceived by the partner as being sexually desirable and attractive.

The Three Factors Combined: Intimacy, Separateness and Feeling Attractive and Desirable

The researchers revealed that all three factors were important to the women in the study.  They posited that emotional intimacy provides enough trust and safety for feeling like an autonomous sexual being.  This is enhanced by feeling attractive and sexually desirable by a partner.

Increasing Sexual Pleasure

According to Dr. Perel, the imagination if the most important factor for enhancing eroticism.  This includes sexual fantasies.

See my articles:

• Women's Sexual Self Discovery
• What Are Your Core Erotic Themes?
• The 7 Core Sexual Fantasies
• Exploring and Normalizing Sexual Fantasies Without Guilt or Shame
• Are You Too Ashamed to Share Your Sexual Fantasies With Your Partner?
• Destigmatizing Sexual Fantasies of Power and Submission
• Enhancing Sexual Motivation With Psychological Stimulation

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and people in relationships (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624  during business hours or email me.

  

What is Sex Therapy?

Sex therapy is a form of psychotherapy, also known as talk therapy, where the sex therapist focuses on the sexual issues of individuals and people in relationships.  There is no physical exam, nudity, or physical touch involved between the sex therapist and the clients (see my article: The Most Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy).

What is Sex Therapy?

Sex therapy includes an exploration of the physical, emotional and psychological factors that are getting in the way of an individual or people in a relationship experiencing a pleasurable sex life (see my articles: What is Your Erotic Blueprint - Part 1 and Part 2).

Sex Therapy Has Changed: Modern Sex Therapy Addresses Contemporary Issues

Sex therapy has changed a lot over the years.  

Many sex therapists from the past believed that all people needed to do to improve their sex life was overcome sexual dysfunction, learn how to communicate better and improve the romantic side of the relationship.  

While that strategy might work for many people, it doesn't work for everyone.  In fact, there are many people in relationships who have no sexual dysfunction, who communicate well and love each other very much, but they don't have good sex together (see my article: What is Good Sex?)

In his book, The Erotic Mind, Dr. Jack Morin, sex therapist and researcher, called the sex therapy of the past the "neat and clean" sex therapy.  

Contemporary sex therapists, like Dr. Esther Perel, who wrote, Mating in Captivity - Unlocking Erotic Intelligence, helped to develop many of the important concepts that are used in modern sex therapy today.

These days modern sex therapy still addresses sexual challenges and the importance of good communication both in and out of the bedroom, but it also addresses sex positivity and sexual pleasure as well as contemporary issues for heterosexual, gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, queer, polyamorous, people in consensual non-monogamous relationships and other types of non-heteronormative sex (see my articles: Savoring Pleasure, Women's Sexuality: Tips on Sexual Self Discovery and Sexual Pleasure and the Erotic Self - Part 1 and Part 2).

What Type of Sexual Issues Do People Work on in Sex Therapy?

The following list includes some of the most common issues in sex therapy (this list is not exhaustive):

• Low Libido
• See my articles: 
• Heterosexual Women Are Often Labeled as Having Low Sexual Desire When the Real Problem is Their Sexual Needs Aren't Being Met During Partnered Sex
• How Mindfulness Can Help With Low Libido

• Lack of Interest in Sex 
• See my article: 
• The Power of Novelty to Enhance Sexual Desire

• Enhancing Sexual Pleasure and Problems with Arousal 
• See my articles:
• Understanding Your Sexual Accelerators and Brakes
• Discovering Your Peak Erotic Experiences
• What Are Your Core Erotic Themes?

• Arousal Nonconcordance 
• See my article: 
• What is Arousal Nonconcordance?

• Problems with an Orgasm Gap in Your Relationship(s)
• See my articles: 
• Closing the Orgasm Gap - Part 1
• Closing the Orgasm Gap - Part 2
  
• Rethinking Foreplay as More Than Just a Prelude to Intercourse
• 
  
• Sexual Desire Discrepancy Between Individuals in a Relationship 
• See my articles: 
• What is Sexual Desire Discrepancy in a Relationship? 
• Overcoming Sexual Desire Discrepancy

• Lack of Confidence During Sex
• See my article: 
• Is a Negative Body Image Ruining Your Sex Life?

• Overcoming Sex Related Shame
• See my articles: 
• Your Sexual Fantasies Don't Always Match Your Values and Beliefs
• Your Sexual Orientation and Erotic Orientation Don't Always Match and That's Normal
• Understanding the Unconscious Meaning of Your Sexual Fantasies

• Improving Communication About Sexual Issues with Partner(s)
• See my article: 
• How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex 

• Changing a Sex Script That is Not Working in a Relationship 
• See my articles: 
• What is a Sex Script?
• Changing Your Sex Script

• Painful Sex (vaginismus, dyspareunia)
• See my article:
• Getting Help in Sex Therapy For Painful Sex
  

• Performance Anxiety

• See my article: 
• What is Performative Sex?

• Delayed Ejaculation

• Unpredictable Ejaculation

• Impulsive/Compulsive Use of Pornography 

• Infidelity
• See my article: 
• Learning to Trust Again: Coping With Betrayal in a Relationship

• Opening Up a Relationship/Consensual Non-monogamy
• See my article: 
• What is Ethical Non-Monogamy? 
• What is Solo Polyamory?
• 
  
• Exploring and Integrating Kink/BDSM/Eroticized Power Play and Other Consensual Pleasurable Activities 
• See my articles: 
• What is Kinky Sex?
  
• What is the Difference Between a Kink and a Fetish?
  
• Destigmatizing Sexual Fantasies of Power and Submission, 
• What is Power Play?
• What You Can Learn From Kink About Consent 
• What Are the Benefits of Sexual Role Play?
• 
  
• Recovering From Sexual Abuse/Trauma
• See my article: 
• Overcoming the Trauma of Childhood Sexual Abuse

• Overcoming Sexual Boredom in Long Term Relationships 
• See my articles: 
• Sexual Boredom in Long Term Relationships 
• The Paradox of Love and Sexual Desire in a Committed Relationship

• Coping With Issues of Sexual Fluidity: 
• See my articles: 
• Women and Sexual Fluidity - Part 1
• Women and Sexual Fluidity - Part 2

• Sex and Aging

• LGBTQ Issues

What Happens During Sex Therapy?

Most sex therapists know that, even though people have sought help in sex therapy, they are often uncomfortable talking about sex.  

What is Sex Therapy?

Often this is based on family history, cultural history, religion and other factors.  

So, a sex therapist will normalize this and she will help each person to develop a comfort level talking about sex.

Most sex therapists get a comprehensive sex history of the couple as well as each individual (see sex therapist Dr. Suzanne Iasenza's book, Transforming Sexual Narratives, for more details about sexual history taking).

Here are some of the most common questions: 

• What is the presenting problem (as each person sees it)?
• When did the problem start?
• What efforts, if any, have the client(s) made to overcome the problem?
• What is your earliest memory about sexuality?
• Are there health concerns?
• What is your definition of sex?
• What first attracted you to your partner?
• Are there any particular emotional blocks to your experiencing sexual pleasure?
• What is your sex script?

And so on

What Kind of Feedback Does the Sex Therapist Provide to Clients?

Once again, each sex therapist will be different.

For instance, if the sex therapist is trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples (EFT), the therapist will help the clients to understand the strengths and positive aspects of their relationship as well as the negative cycle in the relationship and help them to change that cycle (see my article: Overcoming the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship That Keeps You Both Stuck).

Setting Goals Together

After the assessment, history taking and feedback, which could take several sessions, a skilled sex therapist helps the clients to work on setting goals together.  

Rather than just coming to therapy sessions and talking about whatever is on their minds, clients in sex therapy establish goals so that the work will have meaning and direction, and they can assess along the way if they are moving in the direction towards accomplishing their goals.

Just like any other goals, goals in sex therapy can be changed, but it's important that both people be able to collaborate with their therapist to identify meaningful goals.

Sex Therapy Assignments Between Sessions

Sex therapists give assignments between therapy sessions.  These assignments are relevant to the particular issues being addressed in sex therapy.

Many of the assignments can be fun and enjoyable (see sex therapist, Dr. Ian Kerner's book, So Tell Me About the Last Time You Had Sex to see some of the assignments that might be part of your sex therapy).

The idea is that if you and your partner(s) are trying to change some aspect of your sexual relationship, you need to practice at home if the partners are willing.  

Sex Therapy Assignments Between Sessions

If an assignment is challenging, you and your partner(s) will discuss it with your therapist at the next session.  You would talk about where you got stuck and what you can do to deal with it.  

Since most sex therapists are patient, empathetic and know that there will be certain blocks or challenges along the way, you don't need to worry that you will be scolded as you were in high school when you didn't do your assignment.  But, generally, there is an expectation that you will make an effort to do the assignments or come in to talk about what happened between sessions.

Everything is grist for the mill.  In the long run, your progress as well as the underlying issues involved with your blocks can help you to overcome your problems.

When Should You Seek Help in Sex Therapy?

If you and your partner(s) have tried on your own and you have been unable to overcome your problems, you could benefit from seeking help with a sex therapist.

When Should You Seek Help in Sex Therapy?

If your partner(s) is unwilling to join you in sex therapy, you can come for individual sessions to work on the problems and, at some point, your partner(s) might join you.

You and your partner(s) deserve to have a pleasurable, fulfilling sex life.  

By freeing yourself of the obstacles that get in the way of pleasurable sex, you can have a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and people in relationships 

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Your Sexual Fantasies Don't Always Match Your Values and Beliefs

In my prior article, Elevated Erotic Feelings Can Enhance Your Mood For Sex, I focused on elevated erotic feelings, core erotic feelings, peak erotic experiences, erotic themes, emotional aphrodisiacs, sexual fantasies and how these emotions and fantasies can enhance your sex life (see my article: Core Erotic Feelings: What Emotions Help You to Get in the Mood For Sex?)

Sexual Fantasies Don't Always Match Your Values and Beliefs

Guilt and shame are often major stumbling blocks to exploring sexual fantasies, especially fantasies that don't match everyday values and beliefs (see my article: Exploring and Normalizing Sexual Fantasies Without Guilt or Shame).

When I work with clients in my New York City psychotherapy practice about these issues, I help them to realize and accept that sexual fantasies have unconscious elements to them and that there's a difference between what they fantasize about and what they actually want to do.

It's also true that many other people do find it exciting to experiment with their fantasies either during solo sex or during partnered sex where the behavior is mutually consensual.

Sexual Fantasies Don't Always Match Your Everyday Values and Beliefs

In his book, Tell Me What You Want, Dr. Justin Lehmiller, Kinsey sex researcher and social psychologist, surveyed over 4,000 people about their sexual fantasies.  He discovered that it's common for sexual fantasies to be completely different from people's everyday beliefs and values (see my article: The 7 Core Sexual Fantasies).

Dr. Michael Bader, a sex therapist who wrote the book, Arousal, gives many case examples from his clinical practice where sexual fantasies are different from people's beliefs.  He also discusses the unconscious elements in sexual fantasies which stem from clients' personal histories (see my article: Understanding the Unconscious Meaning of Your Sexual Fantasies).

For many people, transgressive sexual fantasies, which are completely opposed to their beliefs and values, are often the most exciting fantasies.

Examples of Sexual Fantasies That Don't Match Values and Beliefs

Let's explore this further with examples below which are fictionalized versions of common sex therapy cases:

Vera

Vera spent her life advocating for women's rights and non-violence.  These issues were very important to her, so she felt confused, guilty and ashamed that her sexual fantasies included being dominated and humiliated during sex.  Although she found these fantasies exciting, she wasn't interested in actually being overpowered or humiliated by her lover.  

Sexual Fantasies Don't Always Match Your Values and Beliefs

When she attended sex therapy to deal with her inner conflict between her beliefs and her sexual fantasies, she learned that it's common for there to be a mismatch between beliefs and fantasies.  She also learned that it's common for people to have sexual fantasies that they never want to enact in real life.  She and her sex therapist also explored the unconscious elements of her fantasies and she realized how her fantasies were related to her personal history.  Over time, she was able to enjoy her fantasies without being worried, guilty or ashamed.  

Peter

Being kind to others was important to Peter.  His friends and loved ones often commented on his kindness and compassion.  But Peter experienced an inner conflict about himself because he had sexual fantasies about dominance and humiliation.  He couldn't understand how his sexual fantasies could be so out of synch with his firmly held beliefs.  He wondered if these fantasies meant he was really an awful person.  

Talking to Your Partner About Your Sexual Fantasies

With much guilt and shame, Peter confided in his wife.  After he told her about his fantasies, he was surprised by her reaction.  She told him that, based on her readings about sexual fantasies, she knew that these fantasies were common and nothing to feel guilty or ashamed about.  She also told him she always thought of him as being a kind person and his fantasies didn't change her view of him.  Even more surprising to Peter, his wife said his fantasies got her sexually aroused.  She suggested they do a sexual role play about them just for fun.  This idea excited Peter so they experimented with elements of light BDSM: Bondage Discipline (Dominance), Sadism (Submission) and Masochism.  This really spiced up their sex life and Peter no longer felt ashamed or guilty (see my articles: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex, The Benefits of Sexual Role Play and The Power of Novelty to Enhance Sexual Desire in Your Relationship).

Jane

Jane considered herself to be devoutly religious, but when she watched the movie, "Fifty Shades of Gray," she felt surprised that she felt sexually aroused.  She also felt guilty and ashamed about being aroused, especially when she imagined herself to be in the role of the woman in the movie.  With a great deal of hesitation, she confided in her close friend, Carol, who attended the same church.  As she told Carol about her thoughts, Jane couldn't even look Carol in the eyes because she felt so ashamed.  

Confiding in a Supportive Friend

But when she looked up, she saw that Carol was smiling.  She told Jane, "I felt the same way when I watched it!  Isn't it great?" At first, Jane wasn't sure how to respond, but she was relieved to know that she wasn't the only one with strong religious beliefs who was turned on by this movie.  After a while, Jane got curious about whether other people might feel the same way, so she read books written by sex therapists and researchers and she discovered that her experience was common.  This was a great relief to Jane.  Although she would never tell her pastor about it, over time, Jane began to enjoy the transgressive nature of her fantasies, and she no longer felt ashamed or guilty (see my article: Destigmatizing Sexual Fantasies of Power and Submission).

Ed

Ed advocated for women's rights through his volunteer work. This work was very important to him.  But when he was at home alone, he often enjoyed watching pornography, which he felt guilty and ashamed about afterwards.  He couldn't understand how his beliefs and values about the importance of women's rights was so different from what got him sexually turned on when he watched porn.  

Sexual Fantasies Don't Always Match Your Values and Beliefs

He felt like he was a terrible person, so he sought help in sex therapy to understand these contradictory feelings.  His sex therapist helped him to connect his sexual fantasies to unconscious feelings related to his personal history.  Over time, Ed was relieved of his guilt and shame.  His therapist also told him that if he preferred to watch porn that wasn't degrading to women, he could watch ethical pornography, which was produced and distributed by women.  Ed tried watching ethical porn and he discovered that he enjoyed it much more (see my article:  What is the Difference Between Ethical Pornography and Mainstream Porn?).

Overcoming Guilt and Shame About Sexual Fantasies in Sex Therapy

Whether you enact your fantasies or not, sexual fantasies can enhance your sexual experiences during solo sex or during partnered sex--as long as whatever you do is with an adult who consenting enthusiastically.

Many people know on an intellectual level that they can fantasize about whatever they want and there's nothing wrong with it, but on an emotional level they feel guilt and shame.

If you struggle with shame and guilt about your sexual fantasies, you could benefit from working with a sex therapist.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.