Bisexuality and Biphobia

Biphobia is a pervasive problem within the heterosexual world as well as in the LGBTQ world.

What is Bisexuality?

Before defining biphobia, it's important to define bisexuality, which is a broad and inclusive term that can include physical attraction, romantic or sexual attraction that is not limited to one sex.

With regard to sexual orientation, bisexuality includes both heterosexual (different sex) and homosexual (same sex) attraction or behavior.  

The Bisexual Pride Flag was created by Bisexual Activist Michael Page in 1998

As most people know, homophobia is a dislike or prejudice against gay people.  

Similarly, biphobia is a prejudice or dislike of people who are bisexual.  

Depending upon how a bisexual person defines themselves, this could include:

• An attraction to men and women
• An attraction to the same and different genders
• Love beyond gender
• An attraction regardless of sex or gender

Similar to any sexual orientation, there are many ways to be bisexual and each person who identifies as bisexual will identify in the way that feels right for them.

The following are examples of just some of the many ways that bisexual people identify themselves and they are all valid:

• Carol:  For the first 25 years of her life, Carol identified as heterosexual and she dated men.  When she turned 25, she joined a women's support group where there were heterosexual women, lesbians and bisexual women.  After socializing with these women over time, Carol realized that she felt attracted to a few of the lesbian and bisexual women in the group.  She realized she had attractions for both men and women, and she began to identify herself as bisexual.  Over time, she felt comfortable dating and having sex with both men and women.

• Jane: From a young age, Jane knew she was attracted to both men and women.  She thought of herself as bisexual, but she only dated men throughout high school because she didn't know of any other bisexual women in her small town. But when she went away to college, she met lesbian and bisexual women and she dated them as well as men she was attracted to at the college.  After she graduated from college, she moved back to her town where there were no lesbian or bisexual women that Jane knew of and so she resumed dating men.  But she continued to identify herself as bisexual because she was aware that she was still attracted to women (as well as men) and if she ever had the opportunity to date women again, she would.

• John: Throughout high school, John maintained a four year relationship with a woman at his school.  After they graduated, they both went to different colleges and they planned to continue in a long distance relationship.  But when John went to college, he met a few gay and bisexual men he was sexually attracted to, so he let her girlfriend know that he wanted to be free to date men, and they broke up.  Initially, John felt confused about his sexual and romantic attractions to men because he continued to be attracted to women.  But as he continued to date men, he felt more comfortable identifying himself as bisexual.  Occasionally, he still dated women at college, but he was mostly drawn to men.  He told his friends that, even though he discovered that he was more interested in men, he didn't want to negate the fact that he had genuinely loved his ex-girlfriend and he was still attracted to women.  

• Bill: From an early age, Bill was aware that he had crushes on both girls and boys.  He never told anyone about his crushes on boys because he was afraid he would be teased or ridiculed if he came out as bisexual.  But once he moved to New York City to live on his own, he had an opportunity to explore his bisexuality with cisgender men and women as well as trans women and men.  His attractions felt comfortable to him.  Sometimes, he wondered if he should identify as pansexual, but the bisexual identification felt truer to him.

As I mentioned above, these vignettes represent only some of the ways that people identify their bisexuality.  Each person identifies their bisexuality in a way that feels right for them.

What is Biphobia?

Biphobia is prejudice, fear or hatred directed at bisexual people and includes:

• Making jokes or comments based on old stereotypes that attempt to undermine the identification of a bisexual person, including:

• Telling someone that their bisexuality is "just a phase" that they'll overcome at some point.

• Telling someone they are "greedy" for wanting to be with more than one sex or gender

What is Bisexual Erasure?

Bisexual erasure is a manifestation of biphobia.  

Bisexual erasure, also known as bisexual invisibility, is a form of prejudice where the legitimacy of bisexuality is questioned or denied.

As previously mentioned, this includes telling a bisexual person that they're just "going through a phase" or that they are "just experimenting" and eventually they will be either gay or heterosexual.

Another example of bisexual erasure is when someone accuses a bisexual person of not wanting to admit they are gay.  So, in other words the person's bisexuality is not seen as being legitimate.

Another way of questioning or denying a person's bisexuality is to say that the person is "just confused."

Some people also deny a person's bisexual identity if that person has only had relationships with different sex or gender.  This is bisexual erasure because it doesn't matter if the person who identifies as bisexual has gone out with or had sex with same sex people. 

There is no "test" or need for proof to determine whether someone is bisexual. Someone can identify as bisexual even if they never act on it and it's up to them to say how they identify.

Another example of bisexual erasure is when people say, "Everyone is bisexual" (or some people say, "All women are bisexual").   But this is not true because everyone, including women, don't all identify as bisexual.  Saying that everyone is bisexual makes people who actually identify as bisexual invisible.

What is Internalized Biphobia?

Internalized biphobia occurs when bisexual people internalize the harmful and untrue things people have told them which, in addition to the prejudiced comments mentioned above, include:

• Bisexuality is not real.
• Bisexuals are cheaters.
• Bisexuals can't possibly be in successful monogamous relationships.
• Bisexuals are just attention seeking.

Resources For Bisexual People

Because there is so much biphobia, it's important for people who identify as bisexual to find community among other bisexual individuals:

The LGBTQ Center in New York City is a resource for the LGBTQ community which provides support groups, mental health services, meetings, social events and more.

    Located at

    208 West 13th Street, New York, NY 10011

    Telephone Number: (212) 620-7310

Identity House in New York City is located in the LGBT Center: 208 West 13 Street (see above).  Their services include peer counseling and come out groups.

The Bisexual Resource Center provides information and support online as well as in person Meetup groups in the Boston area.

Also see my article: The Fetishization of Lesbian and Bisexual Women is a Social Justice Issue

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and people in relationships.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

    

Books: Love and Longing in "Enigma Variations" by Andre Aciman

Andre Aciman's book, Enigma Variations, is the story about a life of love and longing.  It is similar in to Aciman's prior book and movie, Call Me By Your Name, in that both books are looking back at an earlier time in life of a young, naive boy.  Both books also have a poetic and musical quality to them.

Books: Love and Longing in Enigma Variations

The book, Enigma Variations, is named after Edward Elgar's musical composition, Variations on an Original Theme Op 36 (1898-1999), which is popularly known as Enigma Variations.

Elgar composed 14 variations on the original theme.  Each variation is a musical composition about people who are close to him, including his wife and close friends.

Books: Love and Longing in Enigma Variations

Similarly, Aciman's Enigma Variations is based on the life and loves of the protagonist, Paul.  The variations allude to the many different selves that are part of Paul and the people he loves throughout his life starting at age 12 and continuing through his late middle age.

Similar to Call Me By Your Name, in the first chapter of the Enigma Variations, "First Love," the narrator, Paul, is immersed in memories of an earlier time.   He is thinking about his 12 year old self when he developed his first unrequited infatuation for a man, the local cabinetmaker, Giovanni, on a small island in Italy, San Giustiniano.

The first words of the first chapter, "First Love," are "I've come back for him" as Paul takes us on a journey back in time.

After being away for 10 years, Paul, who is now in his early 20s, returns to San Giustiniano where the family house burned down to the ground under mysterious circumstances after the family went back to the mainland.

Just as mysterious, Paul's family never returned to what was left of the house or the land.  His parents abandoned the area for reasons that, at first, are puzzling (part of the "enigma").  Eventually, the house was ransacked by the neighbors and nothing is left.

From there, Paul's 12 year old self takes over the story of his unrequited love for Giovanni, who is Paul's father's friend and who is restoring a treasured old table that Paul's mother inherited from her father.

 

Books: Love and Longing in Enigma Variations

Twelve year old Paul marvels at how Giovanni discovers a secret compartment in the table that no one knew about.  Inside that compartment they discover a Pelikan pen that belonged to Paul's maternal grandfather.

The Pelikan pen is the exact type of pen that Paul has been asking his mother to buy him and which she refuses to buy because he isn't doing well in two classes at school.

Interestingly, the pen is inscribed with the grandfather's initials, which are the same as Paul's initials, so his mother gives him the pen.  It's as if the secret and the pen are meant for Paul.

Just as the secret compartment of the table opens up to reveal this treasure, metaphorically a secret compartment in Paul also opens up as he discovers his infatuation for Giovanni.

Back then, the 12 year old Paul had no one to talk to about his feelings, so he struggled with his infatuation and confusion on his own.

Even though he was struggling with his feelings, Paul tried to find ways to get closer to Giovanni physically and emotionally.  He frequently visited Giovanni in his shop and wanted to learn to work the same way that Giovanni did.

When Giovanni, who was a patient and perceptive man, realized that Paul is staring at him with love and sexual longing, he told Paul in the most gentle way that Paul shouldn't stare at people that way.  He also told Paul in a paternal way to "behave" himself.  Then, he gently suggested that Paul go home.

Paul left, but he was filled with anger, sadness and shame for his feelings.

For the 22 year old Paul, who still remembers the love he experienced for Giovanni as a child, these feelings are still close to the surface.  He hasn't forgotten.  But he longs to find out what happened to Giovanni after Giovanni mysteriously disappeared.

As he talks to people who still live in the town and who remember Paul's family and Giovanni, Paul is surprised to learn things about his family that he never knew before.  Now, certain unanswered questions begin to make sense to him.

This first chapter, which is like a novella, sets the tone for the rest of the book about Paul's life and loves from childhood through late middle age.

A phrase from Call Me By Your Name, "We are not written for one instrument," applies to Enigma Variations as well.  Paul loves men and women equally, and he experiences the same fears, doubts and longings in his romantic relationships with men and women.

It seems to me that part of the enigma in Andre Aciman's Enigma Variations is the many variations of Paul throughout his life.  Although he changes over time and has many different selves, as we all do, in many ways, the core remains his 12 year old self, whose romantic yearnings are still poetic and all-consuming.

Andre Aciman has been compared to Proust, and Enigma Variations is a beautiful work of art.

Similar to Proust, the book's surprising twists and turns will make you want to reread the story when you get to the end and your understanding of what you thought you knew about the story is upended.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.