Books: Call Me By Your Name - Part 2: The Concept of Living Parallel Lives

In my prior article about the book, Call Me By Your Name, I focused on the phrase, "Is it better to speak or to die?," a question that spurred the main character, Elio, to reveal his romantic feelings to Oliver, the graduate student staying in Elio's family's vacation home in Northern Italy.  In my current article, I'm focusing on another concept that came up in the book (but not in the movie of the same name) about living parallel lives--living the life you have chosen as well as the fantasy of the life you might have wanted on some level but did not choose.

Living Parallel Lives

There are many ambiguities in the book as well as in the movie.  But the part about living parallel lives seemed clearer to me in terms of Oliver's and Elio's enduring romantic feelings for each other even many years later.

When I read what Oliver told Elio about his own experience with parallel lives, I thought about how common this is for many people, especially with regard to relationships.

Whenever we choose one person, we are letting go of other possible choices (see my article:  Explorations in Psychotherapy of the Road Not Taken in Life).

Inevitably, many people experience regrets and a sense of loss for their relationship choices--if not immediately, then perhaps later in life.  But most people make choices given who they are and what they know about themselves, information they have about the situation, and options available to them at the time that they are making the choice.

These can be difficult choices.  Letting go of alternatives can be very challenging.  This can lead to the concept of living parallel lives--living the life chosen as well as the fantasy of the one not chosen.

Living in the 21st century, when it comes to relationships, there has never been a time when it was easier to continue to fantasize about the person you didn't choose or who didn't choose you (see my article: Relationships: Obsessing About the "One Who Got Away").

Unlike the 1980s, when Elio and Oliver had their romance, there's so much information now online that you can keep up with what is going on with your ex and continue to fantasize about what your life might have been like if you were still with that person.

Spoiler Alert:  If you haven't read the book, you might want to stop reading at this point.

As I mentioned in my prior article, unlike the movie, the book is written from Elio's perspective, so it's important to keep in mind that his perspective might not be accurate.  Like anyone else, his view could be distorted.

When they met many years later and Oliver talked to Elio about his own experience of living parallel lives--his actual life with his wife and family and his fantasy of what life might have been like if he remained with Elio, Elio seemed surprised that he was still on Oliver's mind all this time later.  Not only is Elio on Oliver's mind, but Oliver keeps track of Elio's career, what is going on in Elio's life, and what has gone on with Elio's parents.

The words "cor cordium" (translated as "heart of hearts") comes up twice in the book.

The first time is when Oliver was staying with Elio and his family as a graduate student and Oliver and Elio were in town to pick up the Italian translation of Oliver's manuscript. Oliver asked Elio if he knew who drowned in that area.  Elio, who was precocious for his age, responded that it was the poet, Shelley.

Then, Oliver asked Elio if he knew what Shelley's wife and friends did when they found Shelley's body.  Elio responded "cor cordium" referring to when Shelley's friend seized Shelley's heart before it was consumed in the fire as it was being cremated on the shore.  The same two words were engraved on Shelley's gravestone.

Oliver's response was to ask Elio, "Is there anything you don't know?"  At that point, Elio saw his chance to seize the moment to reveal to Oliver, rather cryptically, that he had romantic feelings for Oliver.

The second time that "cor cordium" came up was when they met many years later and Oliver revealed that he kept the framed postcard of a place called Monet's berm that he took from Elio's room when he stayed in Elio's home as a graduate student. This is significant because Monet's berm is the place where Oliver and Elio first kissed and Elio revealed his feelings for him.

The prior history of the framed postcard was that a prior graduate student, who stayed with Elio's family, found it at a flea market in Paris and sent it to Elio as a souvenir.  This prior student had written on the back of the postcard, "Think of me someday."  When Oliver left Elio's family home in Italy, he took the framed postcard with him to remind him of the day that Elio revealed his feelings for him on Monet's berm.

Oliver showed Elio that he kept the framed postcard in his office where he saw it everyday.  He said he added his own inscription to the back and hoped to send it back to Elio.

At first, when Elio asked Oliver what he wrote, Oliver told Elio that he wanted it to be a surprise when he sent it back to Elio.  But when Elio told him that he didn't like surprises, Oliver revealed that he wrote "cor cordium" on the back of the card.

The framed postcard of Monet's berm was part of Oliver's parallel life of fantasizing about their romance with Elio.

There is much that is ambiguous about the book and the movie.  Possibly, the author, Andre Aciman, meant the story to be ambiguous because of Oliver and Elio's feelings were conflicted at times.

It is unclear why Oliver chose the conventional life that he did with his on-again/off-again relationship with his then-girlfriend.  One possibility is revealed earlier in the book when Oliver was very conflicted about getting sexually involved with Elio.  He told Elio that they should not talk about such things when Elio lets him know how he feels about him, as if a man loving another man is a taboo subject.

Oliver's emotional conflict was revealed in several other ways:  After they kissed, he told Elio that, until that point, they were "good" (before they got sexually involved) and he wanted to be "good," the implication being that getting sexually involved would be "bad" or wrong.

In addition, since Oliver was about to become a professor, he had more to lose professionally if he were in a gay relationship (this was the 1980s).

He also told Elio that, unlike Elio's parents who were more liberal and accepting of Elio and Oliver's  love for each other, Oliver's father would be alarmed if he knew that Oliver got involved with a man.  Oliver said his father would take him to a correctional facility if he found out.

Then, of course, there's the age difference of 17 vs 24, which at that stage of life made a big difference, and the geographic distance between them with Elio being in Europe and Oliver in New York City at that point.

For all of his bravado and outward appearance of confidence, Oliver lacked confidence at that stage in his life, as Elio's father astutely observed.  So, that in addition to all the other obstacles of remaining involved with Elio, Oliver might not have felt confident enough to be in a gay relationship with all the problems there would have been in the 1980s.

Neither the book nor the movie reveal if Oliver had any prior involvement with men.  My sense is that, even though Oliver might have known he was bisexual, he probably never acted on his feelings for men before Elio.

Or, it was also possible that Oliver never had these feelings for men before (as opposed to Elio, who revealed in the book that he had attractions for men, but never acted on them).

This is part of the problem when the issue is viewed from a gender binary perspective where people are seen as being either gay, straight or bisexual.  When there is ambiguity as there is in Call Me By Your Name, the problem with the gender binary perspective adds to the confusion.

In any case, neither Elio nor Oliver have completely suppressed their feelings for each other, even though this is difficult given that they are not together and they each feel sad about that.

The end of the book was also ambiguous and seemed to hint at a possible sequel.

If there is a sequel, will Elio and Oliver get together years later or will they continue to live separate but parallel lives where they still love each other but are not directly involved in each other's lives?

It's anyone's guess.

I believe the book as well as the movie have great general appeal because, regardless of sexual orientation, the inner conflicts that Oliver and Elio experience about love and loss are universal themes.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

One of my specialties is helping people, heterosexual and LGBTQ, to overcome problems in their lives and their relationships.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Books: Call Me By Your Name: Part 1: Is It Better to Speak or to Die?

In a prior article, I discussed Andre Aciman's book, Enigma Variations.  In this article, I'm focusing on an earlier book by Andre Aciman, Call Me By Your Name.  

After I saw the beautiful movie, Call Me By Your Name, I wanted to know more about the two main characters, Elio and Oliver (portrayed by Timothee Chalamet and Armie Hammer, respectively, in the movie), so I read Andre Aciman's book by the same name.

Is It Better to Speak or to Die?

Both the movie and the book are a sensual feast: a lush Italian countryside, a beautiful villa, sunshine, a seemingly endless summer, delicious food, an abundance of Italian wine, the scents of flowers and herbs, beautiful music, the warmth of the sun, the beach, and sensual bodies.

The movie is a close translation of Andre Aciman's book, but it is, of necessity, more compressed. Even though the movie differs in some aspects from the book, it maintains the same emotional tone.

In the book and the movie, it's 1983 and Elio Perlman, a 17 year old boy, and his family are at their vacation home, a 17th century villa inherited from Elio's maternal grandfather in Northern Italy.  In the book, the story is told in retrospect from Elio's point of view many years after he and Oliver first met.

The Perlman family had a tradition of inviting a doctoral student every year to spend six weeks in the summer at their villa so the graduate students could complete their book manuscripts while enjoying all the villa had to offer.  In return, the students spent an hour or so each week helping Elio's father, who was a classics professor, with his paperwork.

Over the years, these graduate students maintained contact with the Perlmans by writing, sending packages for the holidays, visiting them again and remembering their summer as graduate students in their home.  The Perlmans also had many other interesting guests, gay and straight, from all walks of life, which added to the atmosphere of camaraderie and stimulating conversations at dinner.

When Elio first met 24 year old Oliver, an American graduate student from Columbia University, who was working on a manuscript about the ancient Greek philosopher, Heraclitus, Elio disliked the way Oliver said, "Later!" in such a flippant way whenever Oliver departed.

Even at the young age of 17, Elio was an introspective individual and he found Oliver to be too casual and detached.  At that point, Elio wasn't sure if he liked Oliver or not.  But as Elio continued to observe Oliver, who was a tall, handsome, muscular man, Elio found himself fascinated and obsessed with him.  He also felt an affinity for Oliver because they were both Jewish.

In the book, although Elio had enough self awareness to know that he was bisexual, he was confused by his developing romantic and sexual feelings for Oliver, and he was perplexed as to whether Oliver felt the same way about him.

Is It Better to Speak or Die?

When Oliver massaged Elio's shoulders, which Elio desired, but the feelings that Oliver's touch elicited in Elio also frightened him.  Elio jerked away because he felt himself about to go limp in surrender to Oliver.

Then there is the flirtation when Elio, who was a musical prodigy, played Bach's "Aria of the Postillon" from Capriccio on the Departure of a Beloved Brother.  Oliver was touched when he heard Elio play the aria on the guitar and then on the piano.  When Oliver asked Elio to play the aria again, Elio teased him by playing different variations of it, knowing that Oliver wanted to hear the original Bach rendition.

Is It Better to Speak or to Die?

Time was precious because Oliver would be leaving soon, so when Elio's mother, who seemed to sense Elio's dilemma, read aloud from Marguerite of Navarre's 16th century romantic Hempateron, "Is it better to speak or to die?" about a knight who was in love with a woman but was unable to express his love to her, Elio took this as a sign that he must tell Oliver how he feels.

This is a pivotal moment in the book and the movie because these words, "Is it better to speak or to die," embolden Elio to express his feelings to Oliver.  At that point, he knows that if he doesn't express his feelings, Oliver would leave and Elio would regret not speaking or knowing how Oliver felt.

This is especially relevant for gay or bisexual men and women when they're not sure if the person they're attracted to feels the same way:  Is it better to take the risk to speak or to allow the moment to pass and never know what might have been?

So often in life, for all of us, there are times when we must ask ourselves if it's worth the risk to say how we feel or to allow the moment to pass.  In this story, Elio speaks and, in retrospect, remembers one of the most poignant moments of his life.

I won't give away the rest of the book or movie.  If you haven't read the book or seen the movie, I highly recommend both.

About Me
I am a NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

One of my specialties is working with the LGBTQ population.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Books: Love and Longing in "Enigma Variations" by Andre Aciman

Andre Aciman's book, Enigma Variations, is the story about a life of love and longing.  It is similar in to Aciman's prior book and movie, Call Me By Your Name, in that both books are looking back at an earlier time in life of a young, naive boy.  Both books also have a poetic and musical quality to them.

Books: Love and Longing in Enigma Variations

The book, Enigma Variations, is named after Edward Elgar's musical composition, Variations on an Original Theme Op 36 (1898-1999), which is popularly known as Enigma Variations.

Elgar composed 14 variations on the original theme.  Each variation is a musical composition about people who are close to him, including his wife and close friends.

Books: Love and Longing in Enigma Variations

Similarly, Aciman's Enigma Variations is based on the life and loves of the protagonist, Paul.  The variations allude to the many different selves that are part of Paul and the people he loves throughout his life starting at age 12 and continuing through his late middle age.

Similar to Call Me By Your Name, in the first chapter of the Enigma Variations, "First Love," the narrator, Paul, is immersed in memories of an earlier time.   He is thinking about his 12 year old self when he developed his first unrequited infatuation for a man, the local cabinetmaker, Giovanni, on a small island in Italy, San Giustiniano.

The first words of the first chapter, "First Love," are "I've come back for him" as Paul takes us on a journey back in time.

After being away for 10 years, Paul, who is now in his early 20s, returns to San Giustiniano where the family house burned down to the ground under mysterious circumstances after the family went back to the mainland.

Just as mysterious, Paul's family never returned to what was left of the house or the land.  His parents abandoned the area for reasons that, at first, are puzzling (part of the "enigma").  Eventually, the house was ransacked by the neighbors and nothing is left.

From there, Paul's 12 year old self takes over the story of his unrequited love for Giovanni, who is Paul's father's friend and who is restoring a treasured old table that Paul's mother inherited from her father.

 

Books: Love and Longing in Enigma Variations

Twelve year old Paul marvels at how Giovanni discovers a secret compartment in the table that no one knew about.  Inside that compartment they discover a Pelikan pen that belonged to Paul's maternal grandfather.

The Pelikan pen is the exact type of pen that Paul has been asking his mother to buy him and which she refuses to buy because he isn't doing well in two classes at school.

Interestingly, the pen is inscribed with the grandfather's initials, which are the same as Paul's initials, so his mother gives him the pen.  It's as if the secret and the pen are meant for Paul.

Just as the secret compartment of the table opens up to reveal this treasure, metaphorically a secret compartment in Paul also opens up as he discovers his infatuation for Giovanni.

Back then, the 12 year old Paul had no one to talk to about his feelings, so he struggled with his infatuation and confusion on his own.

Even though he was struggling with his feelings, Paul tried to find ways to get closer to Giovanni physically and emotionally.  He frequently visited Giovanni in his shop and wanted to learn to work the same way that Giovanni did.

When Giovanni, who was a patient and perceptive man, realized that Paul is staring at him with love and sexual longing, he told Paul in the most gentle way that Paul shouldn't stare at people that way.  He also told Paul in a paternal way to "behave" himself.  Then, he gently suggested that Paul go home.

Paul left, but he was filled with anger, sadness and shame for his feelings.

For the 22 year old Paul, who still remembers the love he experienced for Giovanni as a child, these feelings are still close to the surface.  He hasn't forgotten.  But he longs to find out what happened to Giovanni after Giovanni mysteriously disappeared.

As he talks to people who still live in the town and who remember Paul's family and Giovanni, Paul is surprised to learn things about his family that he never knew before.  Now, certain unanswered questions begin to make sense to him.

This first chapter, which is like a novella, sets the tone for the rest of the book about Paul's life and loves from childhood through late middle age.

A phrase from Call Me By Your Name, "We are not written for one instrument," applies to Enigma Variations as well.  Paul loves men and women equally, and he experiences the same fears, doubts and longings in his romantic relationships with men and women.

It seems to me that part of the enigma in Andre Aciman's Enigma Variations is the many variations of Paul throughout his life.  Although he changes over time and has many different selves, as we all do, in many ways, the core remains his 12 year old self, whose romantic yearnings are still poetic and all-consuming.

Andre Aciman has been compared to Proust, and Enigma Variations is a beautiful work of art.

Similar to Proust, the book's surprising twists and turns will make you want to reread the story when you get to the end and your understanding of what you thought you knew about the story is upended.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.