Family Estrangements Due to Homophobia, Biphobia and Transphobia

It's unfortunate that many LGBTQIA adult children are estranged from at least one family member due to homophobia, biphobia or transphobia. 

Emotional Support to Cope With Homophobia, Biphobia, Transphobia

This article will explore the reasons for these types of estrangements and suggest ways to get emotional support if you have been ostracized by one or more family members (see my articles: Coming Out as LGBTQIA and Coping With Homophobia in Your Family).

What is Homophobia, Biphobia and Transphobia?

Family members often feel fear, discomfort and mistrust of other family members who are LGBTQIA adults (see my article: Being the "Different One" in Your Family).

Heterosexual, gay, lesbian and bisexual people can also be transphobic and there is often fear and mistrust of bisexual people among heterosexual, gay, lesbian and trans people.

What is Internalized Homophobia, Biphobia and Transphobia?

Internalized homophobia, biphobia and transphobia is feeling phobic toward one's own sexual orientation or gender identity. This can range from minor discomfort to internalized self hatred.

Emotional Support to Cope With Homophobia, Biphobia and Transphobia

An internalized phobia about one's own sexual orientation or gender identity can lead to hiding and feeling the need to "prove" a heterosexual identity in order to fit in. 

This often involves concealing oneself from close family members, friends, colleagues and others. 

Internalized phobia can also lead to a pervasive fear of being outed by others or that people in their life will find out in some other way, which can create, fear, anxiety and loneliness.

Why Do Families Cut Off Their LGBTQIA Family Members?

The following are the most common reasons for cutting off an LGBTQIA family member:

• Refusal to Accept an Identity That is Different From Their Own: Many family members refuse to accept that their adult LGBTQIA children or siblings have an identity that's different from what they consider acceptable. Family members who stray from what is perceived as the family identity are often ostracized.

• Shame About How the Family is Perceived By Their Community: Shame and embarrassment about how the family will be perceived by their community is often a reason why family members cut off LGBTQIA family members. The community might include their church or house of worship, neighbors, other family members outside the immediate family work colleagues and others.

• Fear of Deviating From Family Values or Religion: In many families any deviation from what is considered the heteronormative feels like a threat to the family. This is especially true in enmeshed families where family members are expected to follow established norms and values. Family values often includes strict adherence to intolerant religious and discriminatory views.

• Insecurity About Their Own Sexual Orientation and Gender Identity: People who are insecure about their own sexual identity or gender identity often fear that if one family member isn't heterosexual, their own sexual orientation and gender might be threatened.

• Refusal to Deal With Their Own Secret Sexual Orientation and Identity: Family members who have internalized phobia about their own secret sexual orientation and gender identity might ostracize family members who have come out because they fear their own non-heterosexual identity might be discovered. By ostracizing the family member, who has come out, they hope to try to "prove" they are heterosexual and loyal to their family's values.

• Refusal to Set Boundaries With Other Phobic Family Members: Even when the immediate family accepts their LGBTQIA family member, they might not set appropriate boundaries with other family members who make phobic remarks. Even though they might not agree with these negative remarks, they are too afraid to confront the offending family members.

How to Take Care of Yourself If You Are Estranged From Your Family Due to Homophobia, Biphobia or Transphobia

Coming out to family members, especially family members who tend to be phobic, is a brave act.

Being ostracized from your family due to your sexual orientation or gender identity is an emotionally painful experience. It can exacerbate internalized phobia at a time when you might not feel grounded and safe in your identity.

Hopefully there's at least one family member who is accepting and supportive but, if there isn't, it's important to find an LGBTQIA community in your area if it exists or online.

Just finding others who identify as you do can be affirming. Even if you talk to just one person who has the same sexual orientation and gender identity as you can be helpful.

Get Emotional Support: LGBTQIA Organizations in New York City:

As of the date of this article, the following organizations can provide support for the LGBTQ population in New York City:

• LGBTQ Community Center: (212) 620-7310

• Astrea Lesbian Foundation For Justice: (212) 529-8021

• Identity House: Support Groups, Peer Counseling Therapy Referrals and Resources: (212) 243-8181

Self Care and Pride

• Callen-Lorde Community Center: (212) 271-7200

• GMHC (Gay Men's Health Crisis): (212) 367-1000

• The Audre Lorde Project (Brooklyn): (718) 596-0342

• Institute For Contemporary Psychotherapy (ICP) - Center For Gender and Sexuality: (212) 333-3444 (Affordable Psychotherapy)

• Institute For Human Identity: (212) 243-2830 (Affordable Psychotherapy)

Get Emotional Support: LGBTQIA Organizations Outside New York City

Outside of New York City, you can contact the following hotline as of the date of this article:

• LGBT National Hotline: 888-843-4564

• PFLAG: Support, Education and Advocacy For LGBTQIA People and Their Families: PFLAG Contact Information Link

Getting Help in Therapy

You are not alone.

Working with a licensed LGBTQIA affirmative mental health professional can provide you with the emotional support and tools you need to take care of yourself.

Get Help in Therapy

You might need to grieve family relationships and friends who are not supportive of your sexual orientation or gender identity before you can thrive in your life, but seeking help is the first step.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from an LGBTQIA allied psychotherapist so you can lead a more fulfilling life with pride and dignity.

My Other Articles About Family Estrangements

Estrangements Between Parents and Their Adult Children

Family Estrangements: Understanding the Barriers to Reconciliation

How Trauma Therapy Can Help to Cope With Family Estrangements

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples, including the LGBTQIA community.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

    

Bisexuality and Biphobia

Biphobia is a pervasive problem within the heterosexual world as well as in the LGBTQ world.

What is Bisexuality?

Before defining biphobia, it's important to define bisexuality, which is a broad and inclusive term that can include physical attraction, romantic or sexual attraction that is not limited to one sex.

With regard to sexual orientation, bisexuality includes both heterosexual (different sex) and homosexual (same sex) attraction or behavior.  

The Bisexual Pride Flag was created by Bisexual Activist Michael Page in 1998

As most people know, homophobia is a dislike or prejudice against gay people.  

Similarly, biphobia is a prejudice or dislike of people who are bisexual.  

Depending upon how a bisexual person defines themselves, this could include:

• An attraction to men and women
• An attraction to the same and different genders
• Love beyond gender
• An attraction regardless of sex or gender

Similar to any sexual orientation, there are many ways to be bisexual and each person who identifies as bisexual will identify in the way that feels right for them.

The following are examples of just some of the many ways that bisexual people identify themselves and they are all valid:

• Carol:  For the first 25 years of her life, Carol identified as heterosexual and she dated men.  When she turned 25, she joined a women's support group where there were heterosexual women, lesbians and bisexual women.  After socializing with these women over time, Carol realized that she felt attracted to a few of the lesbian and bisexual women in the group.  She realized she had attractions for both men and women, and she began to identify herself as bisexual.  Over time, she felt comfortable dating and having sex with both men and women.

• Jane: From a young age, Jane knew she was attracted to both men and women.  She thought of herself as bisexual, but she only dated men throughout high school because she didn't know of any other bisexual women in her small town. But when she went away to college, she met lesbian and bisexual women and she dated them as well as men she was attracted to at the college.  After she graduated from college, she moved back to her town where there were no lesbian or bisexual women that Jane knew of and so she resumed dating men.  But she continued to identify herself as bisexual because she was aware that she was still attracted to women (as well as men) and if she ever had the opportunity to date women again, she would.

• John: Throughout high school, John maintained a four year relationship with a woman at his school.  After they graduated, they both went to different colleges and they planned to continue in a long distance relationship.  But when John went to college, he met a few gay and bisexual men he was sexually attracted to, so he let her girlfriend know that he wanted to be free to date men, and they broke up.  Initially, John felt confused about his sexual and romantic attractions to men because he continued to be attracted to women.  But as he continued to date men, he felt more comfortable identifying himself as bisexual.  Occasionally, he still dated women at college, but he was mostly drawn to men.  He told his friends that, even though he discovered that he was more interested in men, he didn't want to negate the fact that he had genuinely loved his ex-girlfriend and he was still attracted to women.  

• Bill: From an early age, Bill was aware that he had crushes on both girls and boys.  He never told anyone about his crushes on boys because he was afraid he would be teased or ridiculed if he came out as bisexual.  But once he moved to New York City to live on his own, he had an opportunity to explore his bisexuality with cisgender men and women as well as trans women and men.  His attractions felt comfortable to him.  Sometimes, he wondered if he should identify as pansexual, but the bisexual identification felt truer to him.

As I mentioned above, these vignettes represent only some of the ways that people identify their bisexuality.  Each person identifies their bisexuality in a way that feels right for them.

What is Biphobia?

Biphobia is prejudice, fear or hatred directed at bisexual people and includes:

• Making jokes or comments based on old stereotypes that attempt to undermine the identification of a bisexual person, including:

• Telling someone that their bisexuality is "just a phase" that they'll overcome at some point.

• Telling someone they are "greedy" for wanting to be with more than one sex or gender

What is Bisexual Erasure?

Bisexual erasure is a manifestation of biphobia.  

Bisexual erasure, also known as bisexual invisibility, is a form of prejudice where the legitimacy of bisexuality is questioned or denied.

As previously mentioned, this includes telling a bisexual person that they're just "going through a phase" or that they are "just experimenting" and eventually they will be either gay or heterosexual.

Another example of bisexual erasure is when someone accuses a bisexual person of not wanting to admit they are gay.  So, in other words the person's bisexuality is not seen as being legitimate.

Another way of questioning or denying a person's bisexuality is to say that the person is "just confused."

Some people also deny a person's bisexual identity if that person has only had relationships with different sex or gender.  This is bisexual erasure because it doesn't matter if the person who identifies as bisexual has gone out with or had sex with same sex people. 

There is no "test" or need for proof to determine whether someone is bisexual. Someone can identify as bisexual even if they never act on it and it's up to them to say how they identify.

Another example of bisexual erasure is when people say, "Everyone is bisexual" (or some people say, "All women are bisexual").   But this is not true because everyone, including women, don't all identify as bisexual.  Saying that everyone is bisexual makes people who actually identify as bisexual invisible.

What is Internalized Biphobia?

Internalized biphobia occurs when bisexual people internalize the harmful and untrue things people have told them which, in addition to the prejudiced comments mentioned above, include:

• Bisexuality is not real.
• Bisexuals are cheaters.
• Bisexuals can't possibly be in successful monogamous relationships.
• Bisexuals are just attention seeking.

Resources For Bisexual People

Because there is so much biphobia, it's important for people who identify as bisexual to find community among other bisexual individuals:

The LGBTQ Center in New York City is a resource for the LGBTQ community which provides support groups, mental health services, meetings, social events and more.

    Located at

    208 West 13th Street, New York, NY 10011

    Telephone Number: (212) 620-7310

Identity House in New York City is located in the LGBT Center: 208 West 13 Street (see above).  Their services include peer counseling and come out groups.

The Bisexual Resource Center provides information and support online as well as in person Meetup groups in the Boston area.

Also see my article: The Fetishization of Lesbian and Bisexual Women is a Social Justice Issue

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and people in relationships.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.