Relationships: What is Your Attachment Style in Your Relationship?

In prior articles, I provided information about attachment styles as it relates to relationships (see my articles: How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship).  In this article, I give a more detailed description of attachment styles and how people with various attachment styles relate in their relationships.

What is Your Attachment Style?

How Attachment Styles Develop

We are all hard wired from birth to attach to our primary caregiver, which is usually the mother.  The reason why babies are born with the ability to attach is that their survival depends on their ability to attach and bond for getting their physical and emotional needs met from their mother.

Our attachment style develops at a young age primarily based on the interactions with our mothers as well as other experiences in life (see my article: How the Early Attachment Bond Affects Relationships).

Attachment styles are usually on a continuum from secure to insecure attachment.

What is a Secure Attachment Style?

About 50% of people have a secure attachment style.  If you have a secure attachment style, you're capable of having a good relationship (assuming you're also with someone who has a secure attachment style).

You have a healthy sense of self esteem.  Generally, you're also able to meet your partner's emotional needs without too many problems.  You are usually responsive instead of reactive (see my article: Responding Instead of Reacting to Stress).  

You don't play games or manipulate your partner.  You also don't personalize your partner's criticism.  You don't become defensive during conflicts, and you're able to de-escalate conflicts by problem solving, apologizing and forgiving.

What is an Insecure-Anxious Attachment Style?

About 20% of people have an insecure-anxious attachment style (see my article: Helping Your Spouse With Anxiety: Secure and Insecure Attachment Style Responses).

If you have an insecure-anxious attachment style, you need to be very close in your relationship--so much so that you give up your needs to accommodate your partner, even when it's detrimental to you.  

When you don't get your emotional needs met, you become unhappy.  You tend to worry that your partner doesn't want to be close.  You often take things personally when they're not personal, add a negative twist to things and then project a negative outcome.  

To alleviate your anxiety about your relationship, you try to manipulate your partner.  This might mean you withdraw emotionally or you tend to break up a lot with your partner, but then quickly want to get back into the same relationship--even when you know that the relationship isn't good for you because your partner isn't able to meet your emotional needs.  

When you're in the relationship, you have a tendency to be jealous and want a lot of attention (e.g., frequent texting--even when you've been told not to do it).  

What is Insecure-Avoidant Attachment Style?

About 25% of people have an insecure-avoidant attachment style (see my article: How an Avoidant Attachment Style Affects a Relationship).

Among people who have an insecure-avoidant attachment style, there are two subtypes:  Dismissive avoidant and fearful avoidant.

    Dismissive Avoidant Attachment Style: If you have a dismissive avoidant attachment style, you tend to cut off difficult emotions (e.g., sadness, fear, shame, and so on).

    Fearful Avoidant Attachment Style: You want closeness, but you're afraid to get close or you have problems trusting potential partners.

Overall, as someone with an avoidant attachment style, your independence is more important to you than getting close.  You might be able to enjoy limited closeness, but that's the extent of it.  You tend to delay getting into close relationships and want your independence.  

Once you're in a relationship, you tend to create emotional and mental distance by focusing on your dissatisfaction with the relationship, focusing on your partner's flaws, reminiscing about when you were unattached/single or idealizing a former relationship.

You can be hypervigilant about your partner's attempts to control you or limit your freedom.  You engage in distancing behavior by making unilateral decisions (without consulting your partner), ignoring your partner and flirting with other people.  

If the relationship ends, you bury your feelings about the loss because you have difficulty coping with your more vulnerable emotions.  

Relationships and Attachment Styles

People are often unaware that being in a relationship unconsciously stimulates their attachment needs.

Often, people with anxious attachment styles get involved with people who have avoidant attachment styles.  Based on the descriptions of these two attachment styles above, you can see how this would be problematic because each person tends to trigger the insecurities in the other due to their opposing styles.

These couples often have codependent relationships.  Often, people with an anxious attachment style aren't attracted to someone with a secure attachment style.  Unconsciously, they're attracted to someone with an avoidant style and vice versa.  This is usually because the other person's attachment style affirms their unconscious fears about relationships and they are unaware of this.

People with anxious attachment styles tend to get attached very quickly before they have had a chance to assess the other person.  They often idealize their partner and overlook potential problems.

As they're trying to make relationships with avoidant people work, they suppress their own emotional needs.  Initially, this makes them more attractive to someone with an avoidant attachment style.  

However, as their anxiety increases and they make increasing demands of their avoidant partner, the avoidant partner sees them as "needy" and defends against the demands by withdrawing emotionally.  This, in turn, creates a destructive cycle.

Anxiously attached partners, also known as pursuers, often don't recognize their partner's emotional unavailability.  Often, they hang on too long in a relationship that isn't working and where their emotional needs aren't being met.  They confuse their longing for love.

Although people who are distancers give the appearance of not needing an emotional attachment, they need their pursuing partners just as much to have their emotional needs met.  

If one or both partners have a significant history of psychological trauma, this also adds to the stress on the relationship (see my article: How Trauma Affects Relationships).

Conclusion

Attachment styles develop during infancy.  They are mostly based on the relationship the infant has with his or her mother.  

Attachment styles are on a continuum with secure, insecure-anxious and insecure-avoidant being the predominant styles.  

Aside from anxious and avoidant attachment styles, about 3-5% of people have a combination style as a secure-anxious or anxious-avoidant style.

One of the most common relationship combinations is a person with an anxious attachment style getting together with a person with an avoidant attachment style.  

These two styles often exacerbate each other's problems because the more the anxious/pursuer pursues, the more the avoidant/withdrawer partner distances, and the more the avoidant/withdrawer distances, the more the anxious/pursuer pursues so they're caught in an ongoing cycle.

People who have a secure attachment style tend to have the most successful relationships.

In my next article, I'll focus on how to change from an insecure attachment style to a secure style: Developing an Earned Secure Attachment Style.

Getting Help in Therapy

Although it's rare for people to change their insecure attachment style without help, there are people who learn to have a secure attachment style in therapy.

When people are able to develop a secure attachment style, this is called an earned secure attachment.

If you're struggling with an insecure attachment style, you could benefit from working with an experienced psychotherapist who has expertise in this area.

When you're able to develop an earned secure attachment style, not only will you feel more emotionally secure within yourself, you'll also have a better chance of having a successful relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during regular business hours or email me.

 

Helping Your Spouse Cope With Anxiety: Secure and Insecure Attachment Style Responses

When your spouse is experiencing anxiety, you want to be supportive and also take care of yourself.  Often, well-meaning people inadvertently respond in unsupportive ways based on whether they have either a secure of insecure attachment style (see my article: How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship).  The focus of this article is to help you to be more aware of how you come across so that you respond in a supportive, caring way.

Helping Your Spouse to Cope With Anxiety

Insecure Attachment Styles

About 50% of the population, through no fault of their own, have insecure attachment styles.  The other 50% of the population have secure attachment styles. 

Attachment styles are complex and develop during early childhood.  The two most common insecure attachment styles are avoidant attachment style and anxious attachment styles.

Avoidant Attachment Style Responses:

If you have an avoidant attachment style, you're probably uncomfortable with being emotionally vulnerable because it makes you feel unsafe.  

It's also likely that you're uncomfortable seeing your spouse as emotionally vulnerable.  Even though you want to be emotionally supportive, your fear of emotional vulnerability causes you to want to dismiss or minimize vulnerability.  

Examples of avoidant attachment style responses:

• "What are you anxious about? You have no reason to be anxious."
• "You're making a big deal out of nothing."
• "Oh come on.  That's ridiculous."
• "It's all in your head."

As you read these responses, you probably sense how dismissive and lacking in empathy they are--even though this isn't what you intend.  

Anxious Attachment Style Responses:

If you have an anxious attachment style, you probably get anxious yourself when you see your spouse feeling anxious because their anxiety is triggering for you.  

You might feel insecure because, consciously or unconsciously, you worry about whether your spouse will be able to take care of you if s/he is preoccupied with anxiety.  

Also, people with anxious attachment style often have a fear of abandonment, so you might feel anxious that your spouse will leave you if s/he is overwhelmed with emotion:

• "Your anxiety is making me feel anxious."
• "Your anxiety is giving me a headache."
• "If you're feeling anxious, you're not going to be able to take care of me."

Secure Attachment Style Responses:

Even if you developed an insecure attachment style when you were growing up, you can learn to respond in a more empathetic and supportive way:

• Understand that anxiety is an inhibitory emotion, which means that, on an unconscious level, anxiety often suppresses deeper, more challenging emotions like shame or sadness, among others.  So, your spouse might not know why s/he feels anxious.  

• Be fully present for your spouse.  This might mean that you might have to temporarily put aside or compartmentalize your own uncomfortable feelings to be supportive.

• Encourage your spouse to talk to you if s/he feels comfortable to do so.

• Listen to your spouse without judgment.

• Ask your spouse what s/he might need from you.  Don't assume that your spouse wants you to fix the problem.

• Encourage your partner to engage in healthy coping strategies like going for a walk, meditating, exercise (at a level that is healthy for him or her).

• Encourage your partner to get help from a licensed mental health professional if his or her anxiety is chronic.

• Consider getting help yourself if you tend to get triggered by your spouse's anxiety and you're aware that you need help with an insecure attachment style.

Getting Help in Therapy

Anxiety is on the rise and many people feel affected by it and their relationships are also negatively affected.

If you and your spouse are having problems with anxiety, you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed psychotherapist.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

How Parts Work Therapy Helps to Empower You

As an experiential psychotherapist, I use many different types of experiential therapy to help clients to move beyond the intellectual part of their mind to get to the deeper, more creative part. Being able to access their creative, intuitive mind allows clients to access their imagination in a way that helps them to bypass the emotional blocks that would normally hinder their progress in therapy (see my articles: The Unconscious Mind and Experiential Therapy: The Symptom Contains the Solution).

How Parts Work Helps to Empower You

How to Access a Deeper Part of Yourself Through Parts Work Therapy

One way to help you to access the deeper parts of yourself is through Parts Work (also known as Ego States therapy or Internal Family Systems).  

Parts Work helps you to understand that each of us is made up of a multiplicity of selves.  When I say "multiplicity of selves," I'm not referring to multiple personality disorder.  I'm referring to the concept that everyone's personality is made up of many different parts, which includes your unconscious mind.  

You might be aware of certain parts but not others, so Parts Work helps you to access those deeper parts of your personality to help you to be more creative, solve problems and resolve inner conflicts.   

Most people have had the experience of thinking, "A part of me wants to change, but another part of me doesn't."  This is often the way most people approach change, whether they're in therapy or not, because change can be challenging and there's a certain amount of ambivalence about making a change--especially a big change--even when they know that the change would be beneficial.

Most people have access to certain parts of their personality, but they have no awareness of other unconscious parts.  Once you discover the parts of your personality that you normally don't have access to, you can use those parts, even after you complete therapy, to be more creative in solving your problems (see my article: Discovering and Giving Voice to Unconscious Parts of Yourself).

What Does an Experiential Parts Work Therapist Do in Therapy?

A psychotherapist who does Parts Work acts as a facilitator to help you identify and develop the parts of your personality by helping you to:

• Identify the various parts relevant to your problems.
• Calling out the various parts.
• Establish a rapport with the parts.
• Discover the role of these parts.
• Appreciate the role of these parts as it relates to your problems.
• Negotiate an agreement between conflicting parts.
• Integrate the parts together for an overall sense of wholeness and well-being.

The Uses of Inner Active Cards in Parts Work Therapy

Inner Active Cards, which were designed by Sharon Sargent Eckstein, are a set of 62 color illustrated cards (plus 10 blank cards to create your own images) that depict the inner life of the various parts you discover.

I have used Inner Active Cards with clients in Parts Work therapy sessions by allowing clients to choose cards from the deck that resonates with them.  Then, they use the cards they have chosen to say what's going on for the person illustrated in the card, discover and identify a similar part of themselves and learn to use this part to be more creative and solve their problems.

Many clients find the use of Inner Active Cards to be helpful to access the various parts of their personality that aren't immediately accessible to them.  These evocative cards are especially helpful for clients who have difficulty accessing their inner world.  

Inner Active cards can be used in therapy or on your own.  When these cards are used in Parts Work therapy, they help to bring clarity to the various parts of yourself and, with the help of your therapist, facilitate psychological transformation.

How Does Parts Work Therapy Help to Empower You?

• The premise of Parts Work is that the power to change resides within you.
• When you learn to access the various parts of your unconscious mind, you have a tool you can use even after you leave therapy.
• You can use Parts Work for any problem you might have.
• Once you learn how to access and negotiate with the various parts of yourself, your sense of self and self esteem improve and you feel empowered.

Getting Help in Therapy

People often discover that regular talk therapy helps them to be more insightful about their problems, but this intellectual understanding often doesn't bring about the change they want (see my article: Why Experiential Therapy is More Effective Than Regular Talk Therapy).

Experiential therapy includes Parts Work, Somatic Experiencing, AEDP, EMDR, EFT and clinical hypnosis, among other therapies.  

Rather than struggling on your own, you could benefit from working with an experiential therapist who can help you to overcome the obstacles getting in the way of your transformation.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Parts Work and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Therapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during regular business hours or email me.

Exploring and Normalizing Sexual Fantasies Without Guilt or Shame

Fantasies, including sexual fantasies, are an integral part of most people's lives--and yet many people feel shame and guilt about their sexual fantasies.  In an earlier article, I began a discussion on this topic (see my article: Are You Too Ashamed to Talk to Your Spouse About Your Sexual Fantasies?).  I'm continuing this discussion with a deeper look into the unconscious nature of fantasies.

Exploring Sexual Fantasies Without Shame or Guilt

The Unconscious Logic of Sexual Fantasies

Most people feel too ashamed to talk about their sexual fantasies--even with their therapists.  They might be in therapy for years before they even bring up the topic.  

Even in couples therapy, where a couple is having problems with sex, they are often reluctant to talk about fantasies.  Therefore, as a couples therapist, my job is to help couples with sexual problems to overcome their reluctance to talk to each other and to me.

In his book, Arousal: The Secret Logic of Sexual Fantasies, psychotherapist and psychoanalyst, Michael J. Bader, DMH, explores the unconscious logic related to sexual fantasies and how these fantasies are often the "psychological antidote" to fantasizers' fears, guilt and shame.  

A Sexual Fantasy to Counteract Feeling Unattractive

There are many clinical case examples from his psychotherapy private practice in Dr. Bader's book about all kinds of fantasies.  

As an example, Dr. Bader cites the case of Esther, who began to feel depressed and ashamed of her body after the birth of her third child.  Other people's assurances, including her husband's, that she was an attractive woman had no impact on Esther.  If anything, these assurances only made her feel ashamed of the shame she felt about her body.  

One day Esther revealed a sexual fantasy she used during masturbation while she was in a therapy session with Dr. Bader.  

In her fantasy, there were two men who found her very sexually desirable and they were both having sex with her.  She had a very sexy body and she and the men were all able to enjoy sex.  

Their sexual encounter took place during Mardi Gras while other people surrounding them were having fun and deriving vicarious sexual gratification by watching Esther with these men.  

As a result, by using her imagination, Esther's fantasy counteracted her conscious feelings of being unattractive and bolstered her self esteem.  When Esther realized that her sexual fantasy served to counteract feeling unattractive, she no longer felt ashamed and guilty about the fantasy.  She was able to enjoy her fantasy without the burden of guilt or shame.

In each case that Dr. Baden presents in his book, he and his clients develop an understanding of the underlying psychological dynamics related to the fantasies without pathologizing them.  

When clients understand that sexual fantasies are normal and common and they are rooted in their psychological history, they often feel relieved.  This, in turn, allows them to work through longstanding negative thoughts and feelings about their fantasies.

Sexual Fantasies as a Normal Expression of Desires

By paying attention to fantasies, people can come to terms with their deepest desires.

Whether a fantasy is enacted or not, fantasies help people to learn about their longings, which helps to reduce their shame and guilt.

In addition, when couples learn to take the risk of sharing their sexual fantasies with each other, they often increase their emotional intimacy and enrich their sex life.  They can also undo years of shame and guilt as they learn to be more open and live more fully.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you have been unable to resolve your problems on your own, you could benefit from working with an experienced psychotherapist who can help you to overcome the obstacles that keep you from living a fulfilling life.

Taking the first step by contacting a therapist is often the hardest, but it can also be the step that leads to your emotional transformation.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

Sexual Pleasure and Developing the Erotic Self - Part 2

Individuals and couples who want to improve their sex life often complain that they have lost the erotic spark, and in some cases there was never was much of a spark to begin with.  In my prior two articles, I began an exploration of sexual fantasies and the development of the erotic self and I'm continuing that discussion in this article (see my articles: Are You Too Ashamed to Share Your Sexual Fantasies With Your Spouse? and Sexual Pleasure and Developing the Erotic Self - Part 1)

Sexual Pleasure and Developing the Erotic Self

Sexual Pleasure and Developing the Erotic Self 

When someone has difficulty sharing their sexual fantasies with a spouse or romantic partner, often the difficulty is that they don't feel comfortable with their fantasies for a variety of internal and external reasons (see Part 1 of this topic).

So, a good place to start is for the individual to become more aware and comfortable with their fantasies on their own before they share these sexual fantasies with a partner.  

For many people, especially women, this means learning to access their erotic self without shame or guilt.  

What is Eroticism?

According to Esther Perel, Ph.D., relationship and sex therapist, "eroticism isn't sex. It's sexuality transformed by the human imagination. It's the thoughts, dreams, anticipation, unruly impulses, and even painful memories which make up our vast erotic landscapes."

How Do You Turn Yourself On and How Do You Turn Yourself Off?

As one way to access the erotic self, Dr. Perel recommends exploring what turns you off and what turns you on.  

So, filling in the blanks for yourself: "I turn myself off when..." and "I turn myself on when..."

There are no right or wrong answers,  Everyone's answers will be different.  

So for instance, your answers for turning yourself off might be, "I turn myself off when I worry about my children" or "I turn myself off when I spend too much time on social media."

Likewise, your answers to "I turn myself on when..." might include, "I turn myself on when I dance" or "I turn myself on when I pamper myself in a bubble bath" or "I turn myself on when I use my vibrator" and so on.

Erotic Receptivity and Openness

To experience sexual pleasure, whether it's with a partner or on your own, you need to start from a place of receptivity and openness.  According to Dr. Perel, this doesn't mean saying "yes" or "no" to everything.  It's about being curious and open to being influenced.  

This brings up the issue that being emotionally and/or sexually shutdown.  For some people, this might mean that they have been shut down for many years. 

Not only are they not open to sexual pleasure, but many people feel they're not deserving of pleasure.  So, for people who are struggling with shutdown, the development of the erotic self needs to start gradually, and one way to do this is by becoming aware of how you experience your five senses. 

Using Your Five Senses to Experience Pleasure

As a review, your five senses are:

• Sight
• Sound
• Smell
• Touch
• Taste

It's important to start by being patient with yourself.  This isn't a race.  It's more of a gradual unfolding where you allow your curiosity and openness to develop.

Everyone's list of what's pleasurable to them is going to be different.  Note: I'm not referring to sexual pleasure necessarily because for some people that's too threatening a place to start.  

The idea is to start exploring what is pleasurable to you in your everyday life. This might include:

• Sight: Noticing what catches your eye while you're out for a walk.  Maybe you come across a beautiful garden where you find beauty in the flowers.  Or, maybe you notice a particular color that brings you joy.  Do you have particular associations or memories that get elicited by what you see?

• Sound: Listening to your favorite music or the sound of the birds when you wake up in the morning might bring you pleasure.  Are there any memories or associations with these sounds?

• Smell:  Smell can be very evocative.  Maybe someone passes by and you get a whiff of their perfume or after shave cologne.  Maybe you pass a lavender bush and you delight in the fragrance.  If you allow these scents to transport you, where does your mind go? What do you experience in your body?

• Touch: Touching or being touched can be very powerful.  For instance, if you touch a silky fabric, notice how you experience the richness of the fabric in your hands.  Or, if you go for a massage, how do you feel when the massage therapist rubs massage oil on your body?

• Taste: You might experience the pleasure of tasting your favorite food or dessert. Rather than gulping it down, take your time. Savor it. Notice what it tastes like on your tongue. Maybe there are layers of taste to a chocolate dessert and you become aware of it as it melts in your mouth.

Check In With Yourself

As you experience your five senses, you might notice that one sense is more pleasurable to you than the rest.  For instance, you might delight in visual stimuli more than auditory stimuli or vice versa.

Ask yourself how you feel as you indulge each of your five senses.  Has your mood changed?  What do you notice in your body?

You might need to make a regular practice of indulging your five senses if you don't notice anything in particular right away.  As I mentioned earlier, this is just one way to start the process of opening up to your own pleasure.

Becoming More Sensitized to Your Body With Physical Exercise

Exercise, especially cardio exercise, is another possibility to help you to become more sensitized to your body, pleasure and your erotic self (always check with your doctor before you begin any exercise program).

Exercise, especially vigorous exercise, can induce sexual arousal because it affects hormones, neurotransmitters and the autonomic nervous system. 

According to Mary Claire Haver, MD, exercise often increases sexual libido.  The reasons for this might include:

• Feeling better about yourself
• Having a positive body image
• Increased blood flow to your genitals
• Reduction in stress 

Overcoming Psychological Trauma

Whether your trauma is related to sexual abuse or feelings of inadequacy that have nothing to do with sexual abuse, trauma often gets in the way of experiencing yourself as a sexual being and experiencing pleasure.

Developmental trauma, which is trauma that occurred when you were a child, has a lasting impact.  You might not be aware of the impact all the time, but certain situations might trigger unresolved feelings that impact how you feel about yourself and potential partners.

Ignoring the effects of trauma doesn't help.  You can suppress your conscious feelings related to the trauma, but the trauma lives on deep down in the limbic system of your brain. Whether it was a one-time event or ongoing trauma, trauma often has an inhibitory effect on libido and pleasure. 

Getting Help in Therapy

Many people have problems experiencing sexual pleasure (or any kind of pleasure) because of their history--whether it involves childhood trauma or trauma experienced as an adult.

A licensed psychotherapist can help you to overcome the obstacles that are standing in your way, so rather than struggling on your own, seek help from an experienced therapist so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

              

 

Sexual Pleasure and the Erotic Self - Part 1

In my last article, Are You Too Ashamed to Share Your Sexual Fantasies With Your Spouse?, I began a discussion about sexual fantasies and the shame and guilt that people often feel about talking to their spouse or partner about those fantasies.  As I mentioned, aside from sharing these fantasies, many people feel ashamed of their own internal fantasies, which creates inhibitions for eroticism and sexual pleasure.

Sexual Pleasure and Developing the Erotic Self

In this article, my focus will be on defining sexual pleasure, the health benefits associated with sex, and the obstacles to developing the female erotic self. 

Although the emphasis is on women in this article, men can also benefit from this information to help their partner to feel more comfortable with her sexual self.

What is Sexual Pleasure?

Developing the erotic self involves knowing what is sexually pleasurable to you.

According to Emily Nagoski, Ph.D., sex educator and author of the New York Times bestseller, Come As You Are, rather than focusing on having an orgasm, which makes sex too performance based, "pleasure is the measure" for individuals' and couples' sexual activity.  This means experiencing pleasure for pleasure's sake.

According to the American Sexual Health Association, "we learn how to experience sexual pleasure for pleasure's sake by understanding our own sexual desires and responses."  

They state that no matter what stimulates sexual pleasure, "we are all sexual beings" so how you choose to behave as a sexual being is up to you.  There is no right or wrong way to experience sexual pleasure.

What Are the Health Benefits of Sex?

Aside from the pleasurable aspects of sex, according to WebMD, sex has been shown to promote health benefits, including:

• Improving sleep
• Reducing stress
• Boosting the immune system
• Boosting libido (having sex can make sex better and help increase sexual desire)
• Lowering heart attack risk
• Lowering blood pressure
• Counting as exercise (sex uses about five calories per minute)
• Reducing pain by releasing hormones that help raise your pain threshold

Obstacles to Developing the Erotic Self

Here is a brief summary of the issues that can create obstacles to the development of the erotic self:

• Early Childhood Experiences, including Trauma: From an early age, children are often forbidden to explore their bodies sexually.  Children who are caught masturbating are often shamed by their parents.  Some parents have even told their children that touching their genitals is a "sin" or that there will be negative consequences to masturbating, like growing hair on the palms of their hands.  So, these children learn that touching themselves is shameful and, by extension, sex is shameful.  In addition, children who are sexually abused are traumatized. They often blame themselves for the abuse and can grow up to associate sex with being "bad" or "dirty."

• Shame and Guilt Related to Religious or Political Views: Some religions and spiritual communities expressly forbid children from exploring their bodies sexually through self touch and masturbation.  Even more liberal spiritual communities often tell children and adolescents that they will learn about sex after they are married.  However, this causes many adolescents to shut down sexually so they have little awareness of their bodies, and this shutdown continues into adulthood after they are married.  In addition, adults, who have certain political views, might judge their sexual fantasies as being inconsistent with their political views. For instance, a woman who considers herself a feminist might feel ashamed of her sexual fantasy to be dominated sexually by a man (see my article:  Destigmatizing Sexual Fantasies of Power and Submission).

• Societal Objectification of Women: Women are often used to sell products, like cars, magazines or other products. As such, women are objectified and seen as being sexual solely for the pleasure of men.  

• Internalized Sexism and Misogyny: Related to societal perceptions of women as sexual beings, women often internalize these perceptions because the message is so pervasive.  

• Body Image Problems: The images that women often see in magazines, online and on TV are of women with "perfect bodies." The message, which is often not so subtle, is that if you're a woman and you don't have a body like these images, you are inferior.  This often creates problems with body image which can lead to body dysmorphia and, in some cases, eating disorders.

• Stress, Anxiety and Burnout: Stress, anxiety and burnout are big obstacles to sexual pleasure.  When someone is overwhelmed, they cannot relax enough to experience pleasure.  

Overcoming these obstacles to developing an erotic self can be formidable, but not impossible.  In my next article, I'll focus on how to experience sexual pleasure and develop the erotic self.

Next Article: Sexual Pleasure and Developing the Erotic Self - Part 2

Getting Help in Therapy

If you have been unable to overcome obstacles that are hindering you, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who can help you to overcome these problems.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed psychotherapist so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW -- NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Are You Too Ashamed to Share Your Sexual Fantasies With Your Spouse?

Fantasies, including sexual fantasies, are a normal part of most people's lives.  Sexual fantasies have the potential to spice up a couple's sex life, but couples often feel too emotionally vulnerable to share their fantasies with their significant other. So, when faced with the question of whether or not to share your sexual fantasies with your partner, like so many other things, it depends (see my article: How to Talk to Your Spouse About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2).

Are You Too Ashamed to Share Your Sexual Fantasies With Your Spouse?

Why Are Couples Too Ashamed to Talk About Sex?

Over time in my work with individual adults and couples, I've discovered that many people feel too uncomfortable to talk to their partner about sex--let alone talk about their sexual fantasies.

Often, when I raise this issue in a therapy session, clients cringe.  Even people who have been in long term relationships have problems talking about sex.

When I explore this with individual clients, I often get responses like, "She'll think I'm abnormal" or "I would be too embarrassed to talk to my husband about sex" or "We just don't talk about sex."

The thought of talking about sex often makes people feel uncomfortable and too emotionally vulnerable.  They're afraid their spouse will shame them, make fun of them or dismiss their fantasies as "weird" or "crazy."  

Cultural, Religious or Political Beliefs as Obstacles to Sexual Fantasies

There might also be cultural, religious or political beliefs that create obstacles.  This isn't to say that in some instances, they're not right. Some spouses can be judgmental about fantasies, especially if they've never learned to accept their own sexual fantasies. 

However, when couples avoid talking about sex and sexual fantasies, they're often missing out on a rich source that would enliven their sex life.

Negative Judgments About Your Own Sexual Fantasies

Another possible obstacle is that a person might feel ashamed of their own thoughts and fantasies.  

For instance, a woman, who identifies herself as a feminist, might judge herself for having a sexual fantasy of being "taken" by a man.  In reality, she might never want this in real life, but in her fantasy, she gets turned on by it--at first.   Then, she feels ashamed of it.

Sexual Fantasies Don't Necessarily Have to Be Acted On

People often don't understand that their fantasies don't necessarily have to be acted on in reality.  These fantasies could be used to get things hot in the bedroom but, instead, they remain closely guarded secrets.

Sexual Fantasies For Self Pleasure

Aside from sharing fantasies with a spouse, sexual fantasies can also be used in self pleasuring/masturbation.  

Women, especially, could benefit from this because it helps them to learn what turns them on and, in many cases, it also helps them to learn about their genitalia.  

To Share or Not to Share Your Sexual Fantasies

At the beginning of this article, when addressing whether to share fantasies, I said, "It depends."  

For instance, if your sexual fantasy involves having sex with the next door neighbor, you might want to think twice about divulging this fantasy.  Then again--maybe that would be a turn on for your spouse.  

As another example, if you and your spouse have been having problems in bed, would it make your partner feel better or worse to hear your sexual fantasies?  Would it improve things or make them worse?

Some people would experience it as a blow to their self confidence. It might make them feel sexually inadequate or as one man said, recoiling after he heard his partner's fantasy, "You want me to do what!?!" 

For many other people, it would open up a dialogue that could inspire creativity in the bedroom.  

So, as I said, it depends.

Start By Asking Yourself: "Would I Feel Comfortable Hearing My Partner's Fantasies?"

It might be good to start by asking yourself what you would feel comfortable hearing from your partner.

For instance, even if you and your partner agreed beforehand not to act on the fantasy, would you feel comfortable hearing your partner's sexual fantasy about someone else?  

Would you be turned on or would it make you feel insecure?  Many people would feel uncomfortable, but others would be very turned on, especially if they felt safe enough in their relationship to know that the fantasy would remain between them.

Taking an Emotional Risk to Talk About Your Sexual Fantasies

Once you have a better understanding of what you would be willing to hear from your partner, if your partner is open minded, you might consider taking an emotional risk to divulge a sexual fantasy.

If your sexual fantasy involves your spouse, you could really spice things up in the bedroom when you tell them about it.  

But it's important for you to feel safe emotionally first. 

This is, of course, assumes that you're in touch with your own fantasies and that you don't brush them aside and dismiss them because you feel ashamed.

Also, see my article: Depathologizing Sexual Fantasies of Power and Submission.

I'll continue to explore this issue in future articles.

Getting Help in Therapy

Many individuals and couples feel emotionally and sexually shutdown or they have other sexual problems. 

If you and your partner have problems discussing sex, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who has expertise in helping people to overcome these problems.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.