Sexual Pleasure and Developing the Erotic Self - Part 2

Individuals and couples who want to improve their sex life often complain that they have lost the erotic spark, and in some cases there was never was much of a spark to begin with.  In my prior two articles, I began an exploration of sexual fantasies and the development of the erotic self and I'm continuing that discussion in this article (see my articles: Are You Too Ashamed to Share Your Sexual Fantasies With Your Spouse? and Sexual Pleasure and Developing the Erotic Self - Part 1)

Sexual Pleasure and Developing the Erotic Self

Sexual Pleasure and Developing the Erotic Self 

When someone has difficulty sharing their sexual fantasies with a spouse or romantic partner, often the difficulty is that they don't feel comfortable with their fantasies for a variety of internal and external reasons (see Part 1 of this topic).

So, a good place to start is for the individual to become more aware and comfortable with their fantasies on their own before they share these sexual fantasies with a partner.  

For many people, especially women, this means learning to access their erotic self without shame or guilt.  

What is Eroticism?

According to Esther Perel, Ph.D., relationship and sex therapist, "eroticism isn't sex. It's sexuality transformed by the human imagination. It's the thoughts, dreams, anticipation, unruly impulses, and even painful memories which make up our vast erotic landscapes."

How Do You Turn Yourself On and How Do You Turn Yourself Off?

As one way to access the erotic self, Dr. Perel recommends exploring what turns you off and what turns you on.  

So, filling in the blanks for yourself: "I turn myself off when..." and "I turn myself on when..."

There are no right or wrong answers,  Everyone's answers will be different.  

So for instance, your answers for turning yourself off might be, "I turn myself off when I worry about my children" or "I turn myself off when I spend too much time on social media."

Likewise, your answers to "I turn myself on when..." might include, "I turn myself on when I dance" or "I turn myself on when I pamper myself in a bubble bath" or "I turn myself on when I use my vibrator" and so on.

Erotic Receptivity and Openness

To experience sexual pleasure, whether it's with a partner or on your own, you need to start from a place of receptivity and openness.  According to Dr. Perel, this doesn't mean saying "yes" or "no" to everything.  It's about being curious and open to being influenced.  

This brings up the issue that being emotionally and/or sexually shutdown.  For some people, this might mean that they have been shut down for many years. 

Not only are they not open to sexual pleasure, but many people feel they're not deserving of pleasure.  So, for people who are struggling with shutdown, the development of the erotic self needs to start gradually, and one way to do this is by becoming aware of how you experience your five senses. 

Using Your Five Senses to Experience Pleasure

As a review, your five senses are:

• Sight
• Sound
• Smell
• Touch
• Taste

It's important to start by being patient with yourself.  This isn't a race.  It's more of a gradual unfolding where you allow your curiosity and openness to develop.

Everyone's list of what's pleasurable to them is going to be different.  Note: I'm not referring to sexual pleasure necessarily because for some people that's too threatening a place to start.  

The idea is to start exploring what is pleasurable to you in your everyday life. This might include:

• Sight: Noticing what catches your eye while you're out for a walk.  Maybe you come across a beautiful garden where you find beauty in the flowers.  Or, maybe you notice a particular color that brings you joy.  Do you have particular associations or memories that get elicited by what you see?

• Sound: Listening to your favorite music or the sound of the birds when you wake up in the morning might bring you pleasure.  Are there any memories or associations with these sounds?

• Smell:  Smell can be very evocative.  Maybe someone passes by and you get a whiff of their perfume or after shave cologne.  Maybe you pass a lavender bush and you delight in the fragrance.  If you allow these scents to transport you, where does your mind go? What do you experience in your body?

• Touch: Touching or being touched can be very powerful.  For instance, if you touch a silky fabric, notice how you experience the richness of the fabric in your hands.  Or, if you go for a massage, how do you feel when the massage therapist rubs massage oil on your body?

• Taste: You might experience the pleasure of tasting your favorite food or dessert. Rather than gulping it down, take your time. Savor it. Notice what it tastes like on your tongue. Maybe there are layers of taste to a chocolate dessert and you become aware of it as it melts in your mouth.

Check In With Yourself

As you experience your five senses, you might notice that one sense is more pleasurable to you than the rest.  For instance, you might delight in visual stimuli more than auditory stimuli or vice versa.

Ask yourself how you feel as you indulge each of your five senses.  Has your mood changed?  What do you notice in your body?

You might need to make a regular practice of indulging your five senses if you don't notice anything in particular right away.  As I mentioned earlier, this is just one way to start the process of opening up to your own pleasure.

Becoming More Sensitized to Your Body With Physical Exercise

Exercise, especially cardio exercise, is another possibility to help you to become more sensitized to your body, pleasure and your erotic self (always check with your doctor before you begin any exercise program).

Exercise, especially vigorous exercise, can induce sexual arousal because it affects hormones, neurotransmitters and the autonomic nervous system. 

According to Mary Claire Haver, MD, exercise often increases sexual libido.  The reasons for this might include:

• Feeling better about yourself
• Having a positive body image
• Increased blood flow to your genitals
• Reduction in stress 

Overcoming Psychological Trauma

Whether your trauma is related to sexual abuse or feelings of inadequacy that have nothing to do with sexual abuse, trauma often gets in the way of experiencing yourself as a sexual being and experiencing pleasure.

Developmental trauma, which is trauma that occurred when you were a child, has a lasting impact.  You might not be aware of the impact all the time, but certain situations might trigger unresolved feelings that impact how you feel about yourself and potential partners.

Ignoring the effects of trauma doesn't help.  You can suppress your conscious feelings related to the trauma, but the trauma lives on deep down in the limbic system of your brain. Whether it was a one-time event or ongoing trauma, trauma often has an inhibitory effect on libido and pleasure. 

Getting Help in Therapy

Many people have problems experiencing sexual pleasure (or any kind of pleasure) because of their history--whether it involves childhood trauma or trauma experienced as an adult.

A licensed psychotherapist can help you to overcome the obstacles that are standing in your way, so rather than struggling on your own, seek help from an experienced therapist so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

              

 

Psychotherapy is an Active Process: The More You're Engaged in Your Therapy, the More You'll Get Out of It

As I tell clients who come to see me in my psychotherapy private practice in New York City, psychotherapy is an active process.  The more you're engaged in your therapy, the more you'll get out of it (see my article: Getting the Most Out of Your Psychotherapy Sessions).

Psychotherapy is an Active Process: The More You're Engaged in Your Therapy, the More You'll Get Out of It 

What Does It Mean to Be "Actively Engaged" in Your Therapy?
Many clients who are in psychotherapy for the first time think that psychotherapy is a passive process, but this isn't the case for contemporary psychotherapy.

New clients, who have never been in psychotherapy before, need psychoeducation from their psychotherapists in order to understand how to be actively engaged in psychotherapy (see my article: Why It's Important For Psychotherapists to Provide Clients With Psychoeducation About How Psychotherapy Works).

Being actively engaged in your psychotherapy sessions means more than just showing up, although, of course, on the most basic level, that's important.  But beyond showing up, you will get much more out of your psychotherapy sessions by:

• Being Open-minded and Curious About Your Therapy:  Psychotherapy isn't something that is "done" to you.  Your psychotherapist has certain skills and experience to help you overcome your problems but, as you know, your therapist doesn't have a magic wand to make your problems disappear, so you will get much more out of your therapy sessions if you begin therapy by being open-minded and curious about the psychotherapy process (see my article: Starting Psychotherapy With a Sense of Curiosity and Openness).

• Asking Your Psychotherapist Questions: Whether you're new to psychotherapy or you've attended therapy in the past, if there's anything that you don't understand or you have questions about, ask your therapist.  It's your therapy.  You're spending your hard earned money and time to be in therapy.  It's important that you understand what's going on and what you might expect.

• Understanding That Psychotherapy is a Process: Psychotherapy is different from going to see your medical doctor who might give you a shot or a prescription so you can overcome your problem.  Psychotherapy is an individualized process that unfolds over time.  Each psychotherapy client's process will be unique.  When psychotherapy is going well, the work in therapy usually builds on itself over time.

• Considering How Far You Want to Go in Psychotherapy: Sometimes, I compare psychotherapy to home repair as a metaphor.  When you make home repairs, you decide if you want to do a little painting and spruce up the place or if you want to do major repairs.  It's the same with psychotherapy.  Your psychotherapist can make recommendations and you would do well to consider them.  But, ultimately, it's up to you whether you want symptom relief or you want to get to the root of your problems.  You might be alright with symptom relief now and maybe you'll consider delving deeper your next time in therapy.  Or, you might want to delve deeper now so that you overcome your problems beyond symptom relief.  Similarly, you can make choices as to whether you want to focus on short term or long term goals.  Once again, it's up to you--not your therapist.

• Spending Time Reflecting on Your Psychotherapy Sessions: If you want to get more out of your psychotherapy sessions, rather than forgetting what came up in your session once you leave therapy, spend time reflecting on your thoughts and feelings soon after the therapy session.  Even though you've left the session, the process continues to go on for you in your mind unconsciously.  That means, whether you realize it or not, you're never in the same place when you return for your next session.  Why not try to reflect on what's changing for you by thinking about it between sessions?

• Spending Time Writing Between Psychotherapy Sessions: Writing between sessions is something I recommend to my clients because it helps you to reflect on what's happening for you and how you're changing as a result of your therapy.  Many clients ask, "How will I know if psychotherapy is helping me to change?"  One way is to reflect and write about what comes up for you between sessions and the changes that you notice.  You can choose whether or not you share your writing with your psychotherapist or not.  Aside from writing, some people draw pictures or write stories--whatever works for you to help you to be actively engaged in the process between sessions (see my article: The Benefit of Journal Writing Between Psychotherapy Sessions).

Psychotherapy is an Active Process: Journal Writing Between Therapy Sessions

• Talking to Your Psychotherapist About Something That's Bothering You About the Therapy: Maybe you're changing in ways that you don't understand.  Maybe something got triggered in your last session. Maybe your therapist said something that you didn't like or you misunderstood.  Maybe your therapist misunderstood you.  A lot can happen in a therapy session.  Your therapist might sense that you're having a problem, but maybe she won't, especially if you're good at hiding when things bother you.  In that case, how will your therapist know unless you tell her?  You need to provide feedback to your therapist whether she elicits it from you or not (see my article: How to Talk to Your Psychotherapist About Something That's Bothering You in Therapy).

• Understanding That "Feeling Better" Might Not Necessarily Mean Your Problems Are Resolved:  As I stated above, it's up to you to decide if you want symptom relief or you want to work deeper on your problems.  If you decide that you want symptom relief, you need to understand that this might mean, even though you're "feeling better," your problems might not necessarily be resolved--depending upon what you want to get out of therapy.  If you know this and you're okay with it, the choice is yours.  However, as an informed consumer, it's important to know what you have opted to do once you've decided that you want to end therapy (see my article: Starting to Feel Better in Therapy).

Conclusion
Psychotherapy is an active process for the client and the psychotherapist.

The more you're actively engaged in your psychotherapy sessions during and in between sessions, the more you'll get out of your therapy.

Getting Help in Therapy
The decision to start psychotherapy, especially if you've never been in therapy before, can be a difficult one.

It takes courage to take steps to change (see my article: Developing the Courage to Change).

If you've been unsuccessful in overcoming your problems on your own, you could benefit from seeing a licensed mental health professional (see my article: The Courage to Change).

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to identify and work through your problems so that you can live a more meaningful life (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work in a dynamic, interactive and collaborative way with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Starting Therapy With a Sense of Curiosity and Openness

"Try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language." Rainer Maria Rilke

In a prior article, I discussed How to Choose a Therapist and gave some tips on choosing a psychotherapist who is best for you.

A Sense of Openness and Curiosity in Therapy
In this article, I'm focusing on a healthy way to approach therapy.

People who are considering therapy, who have never been in therapy before, often ask me how they should approach this personal exploration, and I usually respond by suggesting that they start therapy with a sense of curiosity and openness.

Many people have concerns about whether they're ready for therapy, what it will be like and if the therapist will judge them.

Starting Therapy With a Sense of Curiosity and Openness

I've been on both sides of the couch, so to speak.  I know how difficult it can be, especially for someone who has never been in therapy before, to begin therapy.  

A number of years ago, after graduate school, as part of my training to become a psychotherapist, I was required to be in my own three-time per week therapy for four years.

I remember very clearly what it was like to attend psychotherapy consultations with various therapists, who were connected to my training program, and what it was like to choose a therapist for my four year postgraduate training.  It was a daunting task.  

Initially, I had many of the same concerns that most people have: 

• Where do I start?
• How much should I divulge about myself during the initial therapy consultation?
• What will the process be like?
• Will the therapist be judgmental and see me as being unfit to be a therapist?

Since the therapists who were on the list were also part of the training institute, it was a bit of a "fish bowl" experience, and I discovered that many other people in the psychotherapy training program felt the same way.

Starting Therapy With a Sense of Curiosity and Openness

But, over time, I (and most of my peers) overcame these feelings and we learned to become open and curious about the therapeutic process.   I was also fortunate to find a therapist who was empathetic and a good fit for me, which is very important.

Therapy as a Process of Self Exploration
Many people come to therapy because they want to overcome specific issues.  

Others just have a sense that they're not feeling right and they don't understand why.  They sense they need to change in some way, but they're not sure how or why.

Starting Therapy With a Sense of Curiosity and Openness

Whatever leads you to consider psychotherapy, a sense of openness and curiosity helps you to expand your sense of self awareness and develop emotional insight.  It can also help you to make important changes in your life.

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.



Also see my articles:
Psychotherapy From a Strengths-Based Perspective: Seeing the Whole Person
Overcoming Your Fear of Starting Therapy to Overcome Emotional Trauma
Psychotherapy: Listening and Learning From the Client
Mind-Body Psychotherapy: The Body as a Window Into the Unconscious Mind