What is the Corrective Emotional Experience in Therapy?

Most contemporary psychotherapists today agree that intellectual insight alone isn't enough to repair traumatic experiences.  Many of them would agree that a corrective emotional experience in therapy can go a long way to healing trauma and is a much more transformative experience for clients than developing intellectual insight alone (see my articles: Experiential Therapy Can Lead to Emotional Breakthroughs and The Therapist's Empathic Attunement Can Be Emotionally Reparative For the Client).

What is the Corrective Emotional Experience in Therapy?

What is the Corrective Emotional Experience in Therapy?
The concept of the corrective emotional experience in therapy was developed by Franz Alexander and Thomas M. French.

The corrective emotional experience in therapy occurs when the client has an experience with the therapist that challenges old distorted beliefs and perceptions.

For instance, if a man grew up with an emotionally abusive or neglectful mother, he might have the distorted belief that "all women are abusive and neglectful, and they can't be trusted."

If this same man comes to therapy and he experiences a woman therapist as being empathetic, warm and trustworthy, he is having an experience with his therapist that challenges his belief about women.    He is now having a new experience that he and his therapist can explore further in therapy.

In other words, he is having a corrective emotional experience that can be healing for him and help him to grow.

A Fictionalized Vignette as an Example of the Corrective Emotional Experience in Therapy

Sam
As an only child, Sam grew up with parents who were preoccupied with their own lives and who didn't have much time for Sam.

Sam spent most of his time with his nanny, who provided basic care, but who wasn't especially warm or caring.

Even before Sam was born, his parents knew that they wanted a child who would eventually follow in his father's footsteps.  Sam's father had his own law firm, and he expected that any child of his would eventually join the firm.

From an early age, Sam was aware of his parents' wishes.  Although he loved to paint and he wanted to be an artist, he hid his passion for painting from his parents because he knew they would disapprove.  This made Sam feel invisible to his parents (see my article: Growing Up Feeling Invisible and Emotionally Invalidated).

Instead of showing his parents how passionately he loved to paint, he pretended that he wanted to be an attorney because he knew this was the only way that his parents would approve of him.

Whenever his parents talked to him about law school, Sam would pretend that he was interested and his parents were happy and praised him.  But hiding such an important part of himself and pretending to be someone that he wasn't made Sam feel ashamed, guilty, lonely and a fraud (see my articles: Understanding the False Self: Part 1 and Understanding the False Self - Part 2: Getting Help in Therapy).

As a result of pretending to be what his parents wanted him to be, Sam believed that no one would accept him for who he is and, if he wanted to get along in the world, he would need to pretend to be someone else.

Throughout law school, Sam felt depressed.  He did well academically because he was smart, but his heart wasn't in it.

Sam's parents never seemed to notice that Sam was unhappy.

Sam felt that his parents didn't see him for himself at all and had no idea who he really was.  They only cared that he gratified their wishes.

After he joined his father's law firm, Sam was miserable.  He hated the work and didn't feel suited for it.  He longed to paint and to be his own person.

Beyond casually dating, Sam avoided getting into a relationship because he didn't believe that any woman could appreciate him for who he really was.

What is the Corrective Emotional Experience in Therapy?

When it became too much of an emotional strain, Sam began therapy.

At first, Sam was afraid to express his true desire to become an artist.  He feared that his therapist would be like his parents and would show disdain for his passion.

But one day when he was talking about how miserable he was as a lawyer, his therapist asked him what he would really like to do, and Sam took a risk and told her that he loved to paint and he had always wanted to be an artist, but he feared displeasing his parents.  At that point, he discovered that his therapist worked with many different kinds of artists, and he was relieved.

This discussion opened up a much larger discussion for many sessions about how Sam believed that no one could really care for him as he really is and he needed to pretend to be someone else (see my article: Overcoming the Fear that People Won't Like You If They Knew the Real You).

What is the Corrective Emotional Experience in Therapy?

As Sam opened up more with his therapist, he sensed her compassion and genuine interest in him and his passion for painting and this allowed him to be more open and vulnerable with her (see my article: Why is Empathy Important in Psychotherapy? and The Holding Environment in Therapy: Maintaining a Safe Therapeutic Environment For the Client).

As they talked about what it was like for Sam to experience a caring, open and compassionate individual who was genuinely interested in Sam for who he really is--rather than who he thought he had to pretend to be--Sam had an emotional breakthrough.  This was his corrective emotional experience and he realized that his belief that no one could ever accept his true self was a distortion.

Sam mourned in therapy for what he didn't get from his parents.  He also continued to allow himself to be genuine and vulnerable with his therapist, which was emotionally healing.

Eventually, not withstanding his parents' disapproval, Sam began a Master in Fine Arts program to pursue his love of painting.

He also began dating and felt for the first time that he might meet a woman who would care for him as his true self (see my article: Becoming Your True Self).

Conclusion
Corrective emotional experiences can occur in therapy when the therapist is empathetic and can provide the client with a new healing experience that challenges distorted beliefs and perceptions.

In order to experience the corrective emotional experience, the client must feel safe enough with the therapist to have a new experience.  For some people, who are severely traumatized, it might take a while to trust the therapist enough to allow this experience to occur.

The corrective emotional experience is a transformative experience for the client and opens up the possibility for big changes and psychological growth.

Getting Help in Therapy
Traumatic childhood experiences are difficult to overcome on your own.

As a result of those traumatic experiences, you might have developed certain beliefs and perceptions about yourself and others that are distorted.

Psychotherapy with a skilled therapist, who knows how to provide a safe and trusting therapeutic environment, can lead to a corrective emotional experience that can transform your life.

Rather than allowing distorted beliefs perceptions to limit your sense of yourself and others, you could benefit from working with an experienced psychotherapist who can help you overcome these obstacles.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I provide an empathetic and supportive therapeutic environment for clients to allow them to have emotional breakthroughs in therapy.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Steps You Can Take to Overcome Loneliness

In prior articles, I addressed loneliness and social isolation from various perspectives (see my articles: On Being Alone and Solitude vs. Loneliness).  In this article, I'm focusing on steps that you can take to overcome loneliness.

Steps You Can Take to Overcome Loneliness

Steps You Can Take to Overcome Loneliness

• Stay in the Present: It's so easy to ruminate about the past and things you think you did wrong, but as long as you continue to hold onto the past, you're not allowing yourself to be in the present.  Make an effort to let go of mistakes that you made and resentments you have against others.

• Keep a Gratitude Journal (see my article: Keeping a Gratitude Journal).

• Find Meaning and Purpose in Life: Rather than focusing on how lonely you are, think about what you can do make someone else's life better.  Maybe you can volunteer for a community group or in the local school.  When you feel you have a purpose in life, it helps you to feel more fulfilled and less lonely and isolated (see my article: A Search For a Meaningful Life).

Steps You Can Take to Overcome Loneliness: Get Active

• Get Active:  Running, walking, doing yoga or other healthy activities can help you to have more of a sense of well-being (always check with your doctor before you start any new physical activity).

• Discover a New Social Group:  Whether it's the local book club or some other social group, being part of a group where there's a shared interest can help to enliven you and increase your social network.

• Learn to Play Again: Humor and comedy can be so healing.  Whether you watch a funny movie, read a humorous book or find other ways to increase humor and playfulness in your life, learning to play again is an important step towards helping to decrease your sense of loneliness.

Getting Help in Therapy
There are times when you've tried everything on your own to overcome loneliness, but longstanding unresolved psychological problems get in your way.

If this is the case, you could benefit from seeing a licensed psychotherapist who can help you to discover the possible underlying issues that keep you lonely and isolated.

Rather than continuing to be frustrated by obstacles in your way, working with a skilled psychotherapist can help you to overcome the impediments that are keeping you lonely and isolated so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How Ongoing Ambivalence Can Ruin Your Relationship

I've written prior articles about ambivalence in relationships.

See my articles: 

Your Relationship: Should You Stay or Should You Go?,

An Emotional Dilemma: Wanting and Dreading Love

Opening Up to New Possibilities in Your Life, The Connection Between Ambivalence and Mixed Messages).  

In this article, I'm focusing on how ongoing ambivalence can ruin your relationship.

Ongoing Ambivalence Can Ruin Your Relationship

What Does Ambivalence Look Like in Relationships?

There are many ways that people can be ambivalent in a relationship:

• Being undecided as to whether they want to take the relationship to the "next step" and get more serious and committed (see my article: Are You Dating Someone Who Has a Problem Making a Commitment?).

• Being unable to make a decision if they want to remain in a relationship that's fraught with problems.

• Going back and forth with their partner as to whether they're in a committed relationship or not.

• Being unable to define the relationship (see my article: Are You Dating or in a Relationship?).

• Having mixed feelings as to whether they're in love or if they're just attracted to their partner (see my articles:  Relationships: Confusing Sexual Attraction With Love and Is It Love or Infatuation?).

• Getting into and out of the same relationship (see my article: (see my article: The Heartbreak of the On Again-Off Again Relationship).

And so on.

Fictionalized Vignette:  How Ongoing Ambivalence Can Ruin Your Relationship

Ina and Bill
Ina and Bill decided to see a psychotherapist in couples counseling because they weren't getting along.

Ina explained that, even though they were living together for five years, Bill couldn't decide if he wanted to get married.

Ongoing Ambivalence Can Ruin Your Relationship 

Ina was concerned because she wanted to have a baby and she didn't want to wait much longer.  She was afraid that if she waited, she wouldn't be able to have a baby due to her age.

She also wanted to have a life where she felt settled and comfortable and not always worried about her partner's ambivalence about the relationship.

Bill looked embarrassed and told the therapist that he felt Ina was being too judgmental and pressuring him too much.  He said he loved Ina, but he just didn't feel ready to get married.  He couldn't understand why they couldn't just keep living together, "What's the big deal about getting married?"

Ina said that she didn't want to have a baby without being married.  It was against her core values, and wouldn't compromise on something that was so important to her.

Bill said he liked children, and he hoped that he and Ina would have children "one day," but he wasn't ready to have children now.

After several couples therapy sessions where they felt they were both getting nowhere, they decided to leave couples counseling and each go into their own individual therapy.

Once she began individual therapy, Ina told her therapist that she loved Bill very much, but she didn't want to stay in the relationship if it wasn't going to lead to marriage.  She was clear about this.  She just wasn't sure how much more time she should give Bill to figure things out.

In Bill's individual therapy, he acknowledged that he was ambivalent about getting married, even though he loved Ina very much and didn't want to lose her.

As he continued to work with his therapist, Bill realized that he had a lot of fears about getting married.  He had never known anyone who had a good marriage, especially not his parents (see my article: You Can't Change the Past, But You Can Change How the Past Affects You).

On the one hand, Bill feared that if they got married, their relationship would be ruined.  But, on the other hand, he knew how important marriage and children were to Ina, and he feared he would lose her if he didn't agree to get married soon.

After several months of being in individual therapy and with her 34th birthday soon approaching, Ina told Bill that she thought it was better for them to end their relationship.

She told him that she hoped he would find someone who would be willing to just live together and she hoped that she would find a loving relationship where her partner would be willing to get married and have children.

As Ina began packing her things, Bill had his first panic attack, and he called his therapist to set up an appointment for that evening.

After he got off the phone with his therapist, Bill was a little calmer and he persuaded Ina not to move out just yet.  He asked her to give him more time to work on his ambivalence and the fears that he had about being married.

Reluctantly, Ina agreed to stay three more months, but she said she would leave if there was no change after that.

During his therapy session that evening, Bill told his therapist that the thought of Ina moving out and leaving him was much more painful than the thought of getting married, and he wanted to work on his fears and ambivalence.

Bill and his therapist worked on the root of his fears, which had more to do with his family history than it did with his relationship with Ina (see my article: Healing Old Emotional Childhood Wounds That Are Affecting Your Current Relationship).

Over time, Bill learned to separate his fears related to his family history from whether or not he wanted to marry Ina (see my article: Working Through Emotional Trauma in Psychotherapy: Learning to Separate "Then" From "Now"

His therapist, who was a trauma therapist, helped Bill to work through his traumatic childhood history.

Ongoing Ambivalence in Your Relationship Can Be Overcome in Therapy

By the end of three months, Bill still had some ambivalence and fear, but he was much clearer that he wanted to marry Ina, so they started planning their wedding.

Conclusion
The vignette above illustrates how ambivalence and underlying fear can ruin a relationship.

In this particular example, as is the case in many relationships where one or both people are ambivalent, the ambivalence was related to a dysfunctional family history.

One of the goals in therapy is to help clients to separate their feelings about the past from the present.

When you can make a distinction between the past and what's happening in your relationship in the present, you're more likely to make better decisions.

Working through a history of family trauma can free you from that history so that you can lead a more fulfilling life.

Getting Help in Therapy
Ongoing ambivalence in a relationship tends to erode the relationship.

After a while, whatever good feelings there were between the two people can be lost when the ambivalence is chronic for one or both people.

If you're in a relationship where you're either the one who is ambivalent or the one who is trying to deal with your partner's ambivalence, it can be very painful to deal with on your own.

Rather than continuing to suffer alone, you owe it to yourself to get help from a licensed mental health professional, who can help you to identify the problems related to the ambivalence and work through the issues so that you can make better decisions about the relationship (see my articles: The Benefits of Psychotherapy and How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

About Me
I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many individuals and couples to overcome problems in their relationship.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Don't Be Judgmental. Be Discerning

Many people confuse being discerning with being judgmental, so I'm addressing this issue in this article and why it's important to be discerning (see my article: Listening to Your Inner Voice).

Don't Be Judgmental.  Be Discerning

What's the Difference Between Being Judgmental and Being Discerning?
Being judgmental is being critical, disapproving and negative.

Being discerning is being aware, astute and perceptive.

Fictionalized Vignette: The Difference Between Being Judgmental and Discerning:

Sally
Sally came to her therapy session feeling disappointed in herself.

She told her therapist that she found herself in yet another situation where she wasn't discerning.

In the past, Sally and her psychotherapist had spoken about how Sally got into trouble many times in her life due to her lack of discernment.

Sally explained that she was with her friend, Rita, when they came across a man who was panhandling for money on the street.

Whenever they came across people who were homeless or panhandling, Rita would make disparaging remarks about them, which irritated Sally.

Sally felt that Rita was too judgmental and tended to look down on people.

Since she felt so annoyed by Rita's judgmental comments, Sally reached into her pocket and gave the man a dollar.  Then, he thanked Sally and struck up a conversation with her.

At that point, Rita was so disgusted that she kept going and told Sally that she would see her another time.

Sally felt embarrassed by Rita's behavior, and she tried to be "extra nice" to the man, who introduced himself as Ted.

Ted told Sally that he was down on his luck.  He had just lost his job and would soon lose his apartment if he didn't get a job soon.

He told her that his aunt gave him a $100 bill to tide him over, but none of the coffee shops would break the bill, so he wondered if Sally could give him change so he could get something to eat.

Sally experienced a moment of hesitation, but she didn't listen to her gut feeling that told her not to do it, and she gave Ted change for the $100 bill.

Later that day, when she went to the grocery store and tried to use the $100 bill, the cashier held the bill up to the light and told Sally that it was a counterfeit bill.

Sally was shocked.  She had to leave her grocery with the cashier because she had no other money.

When she went to the bank, the teller verified that the $100 bill was counterfeit and asked her where she got it.  When Sally told the teller about giving change to the man on the street, the teller told her, "You've been scammed."

As Sally talked about what happened with her therapist, she acknowledged that she had a moment of hesitation when Ted asked her for change.  There was a part of her that was suspicious, but she didn't listen to that voice inside her.

Don't Be Judgmental.  Be Discerning

Sally told her therapist that she was trying so hard not to be judgmental, like Rita, that she didn't listen to her gut feeling, "I was just trying to be nice."

Sally and her therapist talked about the issues in her childhood that caused her to doubt herself and how this was connected to her not listening to her gut feeling, her lack of discernment and her pattern of people pleasing (see my article: Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families and People Pleasing).

Conclusion
People often confuse being discerning with being judgmental but, in fact, they're two very different things.

When you're judgmental, like Rita in the fictionalized scenario above, you're disapproving, negative and critical.

Being judgmental is the opposite of being discerning.

When you're discerning, you use good judgment, you're aware, objective, perceptive and astute.

When you're trying so hard not be to judgmental that you're also not being discerning, it can have very negative consequences for you and your loved ones.

Getting Help in Therapy
It's not usual for people, who lack discernment, to have a family history where they were made to doubt their own objectivity.  As a result, they don't trust their gut feelings and this can result in a lack of discernment.

For other people, it's a particular blind spot in their life.  They want to be "nice," and this clouds their objectivity.

For people who grew up in a critical environment, they're often critical and judgmental of themselves and others.  Their negativity and harshness creates problems in their personal and professional life.

If you tend to find yourself in situations where you realize after the fact that you weren't discerning or in situations where you're too judgmental, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who can help you to overcome these problems (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy and How to Choose a Psychotherapist.

Rather than continuing to suffer the consequences on your own, you could get help from a skilled psychotherapist so you can go on to lead a more rewarding life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to overcome problems with lack of discernment and being overly critical and judgmental.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

Expanding Your "Window of Tolerance" in Therapy to Overcome Emotional Problems

Many clients start therapy overwhelmed by their problems.  A traumatic or stressful event often leaves people feeling psychologically and physically dysregulated, so psychotherapists, who specialize in trauma and who understand the concept of the "window of tolerance," can help clients to get regulated again.  But first, let's define what we mean by "window of tolerance" (see my articles:  Reacting to the Present Based on Your Traumatic Past, Coping With Trauma: Becoming Aware of Your Triggers, and Managing Your Stress and Overcoming Trauma).

Expanding Your "Window of Tolerance" in Therapy to Overcome Emotional Problems

What is the Window of Tolerance?
According to Dr. Dan Siegel, the window of tolerance is a term that refers to the optimal level of arousal or optimal zone.

When clients are in their optimal level of tolerance, they are neither hyper-aroused nor hypo-aroused.  They are able to deal with problems as they come up because they're at their optimal level of arousal.

Expanding Your "Window of Tolerance" to Overcome Emotional Problems

During times of extreme stress, if clients are experiencing hyper-arousal, they're in the flight/flight mode, which includes hypervigilance, anxiety, racing thoughts and possibly panic.

If they're experiencing hypo-arousal, they're in the freeze mode, which includes emotional numbness, feelings of emptiness or emotional paralysis.

Everyone's Window of Tolerance is Different
Some people have a very narrow window of tolerance and they're easily overwhelmed.

Others have a wide window of tolerance and they're able to take negative events in stride.

Generally speaking, people with a wider window of tolerance can function better after a negative or traumatic event.

How Negative or Traumatic Events Can Change Your Window of Tolerance
There are some traumatic events that can change your window of tolerance even if you usually operate in the optimal zone.

The stress related to the negative event can overwhelm even people who are normally high functioning if it's overwhelming enough.

For instance, someone, who normally feels comfortable walking down the street, can become hyper vigilant after he is mugged.  Whereas before the mugging he felt that the world was generally a safe place, now he feels the world is unsafe and he's constantly looking around him for possible danger.

Psychological Issues That Can Develop When You're Outside Your Window of Tolerance
If you have a narrow window of tolerance, you can develop psychological issues like anxiety or depression, especially if you've experienced a series of trauma issues and you haven't resolved these issues in therapy

You might also develop posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) symptoms, including flashbacks, feelings of derealization (the world around you feels unreal), nightmares and other possible PTSD symptoms.

Get Help in Therapy to Expand Your Window of Tolerance and Overcome Trauma
A skilled trauma therapist can help you to develop internal resources and coping strategies to expand your window of tolerance and overcome the trauma (see my article Developing Coping Strategies in Therapy).

Get Help in Therapy to Expand Your Window of Tolerance and Overcome Trauma

These internal resources and coping strategies could include mindfulness, meditation, being able to separate "then" from "now" (when the traumatic event occurred), and so on (see my articles: Staying Emotionally Grounded During Stressful Times and Psychotherapy and the Mindful Self: The Benefits of Mindfulness).

A trauma therapist can help you to overcome trauma by using trauma therapies, such as  EMDR Therapy or Somatic Experiencing.

If you're aware that you're overwhelmed by traumatic events in your life, don't suffer alone.

You could benefit from seeing a trauma therapist who can help you to achieve your optimal level of functioning, overcome trauma and lead a more rewarding life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I am a trauma therapist who has helped many clients to overcome traumatic events so they could lead a more fulfilling life.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Therapy Can Help You to Stop Sweeping Uncomfortable Feelings Under the Rug

Are you prone to sweeping uncomfortable feelings under the rug to avoid conflict?  If you are, then you probably know that if you sweep enough under the rug, it piles up and eventually it becomes a big mess.  

In this article, I'm focusing on how psychotherapy can help you to stop avoiding uncomfortable feelings so you can have more genuine communication with your loved ones.

See my articles: 

Are You Having Problems Communicating in Your Relationship?

Relationships: Improving Your Communication

Are You Too Afraid to Talk to Your Spouse About What's Bothering You?

Overcoming a Communication Stalemate in Your Relationship

Therapy Can Help You To Stop Avoiding Uncomfortable Feelings

Sweeping uncomfortable feelings under the rug to avoid uncomfortable conversations is a common problem (see my article: Changing Maladaptive Coping Strategies That No Longer Work For You: Avoidance).

Most people who have this problem say that they don't like conflict and they would rather avoid talking about their feelings.

When people come to therapy for this problem, they usually come because the problem is having an negative impact on their close relationships, but they don't know how to change it.

Let's take a look at a fictionalized vignette, which illustrates this problem and how therapy can help:

A Fictionalized Vignette About Overcoming the Problem of Sweeping Problems Under the Rug

Ed
Ed began therapy at the urging of his wife, Meg, who was tired of dealing with Ed's communication problems.

Meg could sense when something was bothering Ed and he was denying it.

Therapy Can Help You to Stop Avoiding Uncomfortable Feelings

The usual pattern, according to Ed, was that when Meg did something that annoyed him, he would tell himself that it wasn't worth discussing and he would keep his feelings to himself.

Knowing Ed well, Meg would ask him if anything was bothering him, but Ed would deny it.  She would encourage him to talk, but Ed would continue to deny that anything was bothering him.

After a while, Ed would blow up about a relatively minor thing that Meg did, which would surprise her.

During those times when he blew up, Ed knew that he was overreacting, but he didn't know why or how to stop it.

Later on, he would apologize to Meg, but she was getting fed up.

As Ed gave his therapist more details about these incidents, it became apparent to both Ed and his therapist that his habit of sweeping things under the rug led to an eventual blow up because it became overwhelming to him.

Rather than dealing with situations as they came up, Ed was stuffing his feelings until he couldn't take it any more.

Ed talked to his therapist about his family history where his father, who had a temper, would go on tirades every night, upsetting the whole family (see my article: Is Your Fear of Being a "Bad Person" Getting in the Way of Asserting Yourself?).

From a young age, Ed vowed that he would never be like his father, and that's when he started stuffing his feelings, especially anger and sadness.

By the time he came to therapy, Ed knew he might jeopardize his marriage if he didn't change, so he wanted to learn how to overcome this problem.

Over time, Ed's therapist helped Ed to become more aware of his feelings as they occurred and to find ways to express himself appropriately.

His therapist also helped Ed to distinguish his father's angry tirades from his own feelings.

Since there were times when Ed was cut off from his feelings, especially uncomfortable feelings, his therapist helped him to sense his feelings in his body (see my article: The Body Offers a Window Into the Unconscious Mind).

Gradually, Ed learned to pick up on physical cues that would tell him that he was having a feeling that made him uncomfortable.

For instance, he learned in therapy that whenever he would feel annoyed, he would get a knot in his stomach, so this was a cue for him that he was annoyed or angry.

Another cue for Ed was that whenever he felt sad, he would get a sinking feeling in stomach.

Having these cues helped Ed to identify his feelings because these feelings were embodied.  Then, he would practice in therapy how to talk to his wife about his feelings.

Initially, he realized that he didn't feel he was entitled to express his feelings.

His therapist pointed out to Ed how he would try to rationalize away his feelings by saying, "This isn't really important" or "I don't want to make a big thing out of nothing."

It wasn't easy for Ed to come to grips with his problem, especially since his problem was so tied up with his family history.

So, Ed and his therapist also worked on helping Ed to overcome his childhood trauma, which was at the root of his problem (see my article: Psychotherapy to Overcome Past Childhood Trauma).

Eventually, Ed became more comfortable acknowledging and expressing his feelings.  And the more he practiced doing it, the easier it became for him.

He also came to see that he wasn't like his father, and this was a relief to him.

Therapy Can Help You to Stop Avoiding Uncomfortable Feelings

One day, Ed came to therapy and told his therapist that his wife was happy that he was now able to express his feelings.

Conclusion
People who tend to push their uncomfortable feelings under the rug are usually afraid of their feelings.

They might use all kinds of rationalizations about why they don't express their feelings, but these rationalizations have nothing to do with the root of the problem.

There can be many different issues as to why people avoid expressing uncomfortable feelings.

A common problem is a family history of a volatile parent or a family that didn't acknowledge uncomfortable feelings (see my article: Psychotherapy Can Help to Overcome the Effects of Growing Up in a Family That Didn't Talk About Feelings).

Getting Help in Therapy
As I mentioned earlier, most people who have this problem don't come to therapy until there are serious consequences in their life.

If you have a tendency to sweep uncomfortable feelings under the rug, a skilled psychotherapist can help you to identify the root of the problem and learn new skills to overcome this problem (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

Learning to acknowledge and communicate your feelings, including feelings that are uncomfortable for you, will allow you to have more genuine relationships with your loved ones (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Rather than continuing to suffer with this problem and potentially damaging your relationships with your loved ones, get help from a licensed mental health professional.  You'll feel better about yourself and you'll improve your relationships.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to overcome communication problems, so they could have more fulfilling relationships.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How to Cope With Difficult Family Get-Togethers

Many people become anxious when they have to attend family get-togethers because these get-togethers can become contentious.  Your family members and you can lapse into old dysfunctional patterns especially if there's a long history of dysfunction in the family  (see my article: Regressing to Feeling Like a Child Again During Family Visits,  Overcoming Dysfunctional Ways of Relating in Your Family and Learn to Develop Healthy Boundaries With an Enmeshed Family).

How to Cope With Difficult Family Get-Togethers 

Family get-togethers are "supposed to be" joyous occasions where family members share a meal and talk happily over the dinner table.  

But the reality is that in many families there is often a lot of tension and pressure, especially if there's a long history of conflict among family members.

When there's tension and pressure, most family members walk on eggshells trying not to say or do anything that might start an argument.

There might also be a big disconnect between how you would like your family to be and how they are, leaving you feeling very disappointed.

It's possible that  everyone will come together and have a genuinely good time, which would be great.

But if you know your family has a history of conflicts and that the strain of a family get-together puts everyone on edge, you'll need to change your expectations about what's possible (see my article: Holiday Time With Your Family: Balancing Your Expectations).

Tips For Dealing With Difficult Family Get-Togethers:

• Practice self care before you go see your family (see my article: Stress Management: Creating Quiet Time For Yourself, Learn to Relax: Square Breathing and Take Time For Self Care).

• Change your expectations (as previously mentioned).  You might want your family to be like "The Waltons" or like an episode of "Father Knows Best," but your desire alone won't change your family dynamics.

• Don't try to "fix" your family members.  Accept that they are who they are and it's not your responsibility to try to "improve" them.  This will go a long way to avoiding arguments.

• Avoid topics that could start arguments, like politics or religion.  

• Keep the conversation light, if possible.

• Try to gently and tactfully change the topic if a family member brings up a contentious topic.

How to Cope With Difficult Family Get-Togethers

• Don't try to settle family scores at the family get-together, especially if it's a holiday.  This isn't the time or place for this.

• Volunteer to help out, which could decrease the tension about things that need to get done.

• Try to be patient with family members who annoy you, like relatives who don't pitch in with cooking, cleaning or taking care of the children or people who tend to complain a lot.

• Take a break, if you need one, by going for a walk if things become too tense for you or, if you can't leave the house, go to the bathroom, splash cold water on your face and take a couple of deep breaths before you reengage with your family. 

• Try to shift your perspective about family members to try to find something positive, if possible  (there's an old saying, "Even a broken clock tells the right time twice a day").  Usually, things aren't all bad.

• Ask yourself if your anticipation of a contentious time might be clouding your perception of what good there might be.

• Ask yourself how you might be contributing to the negative environment.

• Keep your perspective.  Remember, even if things go very wrong, that nothing lasts forever and the visit is time limited, so it will soon be over.  You will survive.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.