Behaving Like a Parent to Your Spouse Could Be Ruining Your Relationship

All healthy relationships have loving qualities to them where each person provides nurturance and emotional support to the other (see my article: Nurturing Your Relationship).

Within the context of a relationship that has many aspects to it, including passion, friendship, shared values and so on, a loving, nurturing quality is one of many qualities that are found in healthy stable relationships.  But when the predominant quality is for one spouse to take on mostly a parental role, certain problems often develop that have a negative impact on the relationship.

Behaving Like a Parent to Your Spouse Could Be Ruining Your Relationship

This is true whether it's the woman who takes on a predominantly maternal role to her husband, a husband who takes on a paternal role, and in gay relationships where one partner takes on a predominantly parental role.

Often, couples get into this dynamic without even realizing it.  It's often not a conscious choice.

A relationship might not start out this way, but the dynamic can develop over time because of the earlier unmet emotional needs of one or both people in the relationship.

Let's takes a look at a composite vignette, with all identifying information changed to protect confidentiality, to see how relationships are often affected by this dynamic:

Nina and Sam
When Nina and Sam first met, there was a strong sexual attraction between them and they shared many of the same interests and values.

After three years, they got married and moved to NYC where they both had successful careers.

Before they got married, Nina was aware that Sam had a difficult childhood with a mother who was emotionally abusive.  Sam's father left the family when Sam was an infant, so Sam never met him.  Each of his siblings had different fathers and none of them were involved in their children's lives.  As the oldest, Sam often took care of his younger siblings when his mother got drunk several times a week.

During the early years of their relationship, Nina admired Sam for his independence and self reliance, especially when he was younger.  She was amazed at how he was able to take care of himself as a young boy and even put himself through college.

What neither Nina nor Sam realized, at first, was that Sam had a lot of unmet childhood emotional needs.  These unmet emotional needs weren't obvious to either of them because Sam managed to suppress them for a long time starting at an early age.  As a young child, it would have been too painful for him to feel how neglected and abused he was, so these emotional needs were unconsciously suppressed.

These emotional needs were so well suppressed that adult relatives, teachers and other people who knew Sam as a child and young adult thought of him as being a very independent person who managed to succeed despite his family history.

Like most defensive strategies, suppressing his emotional needs as a child served to allow him to function without having the awareness of these needs.  An awareness of his needs would have overwhelmed him.

But, after Nina and Sam got married, these unconscious needs, which were still split off from Sam's conscious awareness, began to surface in their relationship.

Without realizing it, over time, Nina began to take on a predominantly mothering role in their relationship and, within two years of being married, they were no longer having sex.

It began gradually with Sam wanting Nina to spend less time with her friends and more time with him.

At first, when Sam couldn't convince Nina to stay home with him and they went out with friends, Sam would develop headaches that would cut short their dinner plans with friends.

Feeling sympathetic towards Sam because of the pain that he was in, Nina would agree to cut short their dinner plans and go home with Sam.  Over time, Sam began to develop headaches a few hours before their plans with friends, so Nina would cancel their plans.

Behaving Like a Parent to Your Spouse Could Be RuiningYour Relationship

Whenever he had these headaches, Sam would lie down and put his head on Nina's lap and ask her to rub his head.  Being a naturally nurturing person, Nina would do whatever she could to soothe Sam until he felt better.

During those times, she thought of Sam as her "little boy" and she would hold him in her arms and talk "baby talk" to him.

Over time, with subtle prompting from Sam, Nina began taking over certain responsibilities, like setting up Sam's doctor and dentists appointments and dealing with Sam's mother, who could still be difficult at times.

After Sam's doctor ruled out any physical causes for his headaches, his doctor suggested that the headaches might be psychosomatic and encouraged Sam to go to therapy.  But Sam felt this was nonsense.  At that point, he didn't see that he only had these headaches when he wanted attention from Nina.

Growing up as an only child, Nina wanted to have a little brother or sister that she could take care of when she was a young child.  But her parents, who were otherwise kind and loving people, didn't want any other children.  Her mother believed that girls shouldn't be given dolls because, in her mind, it created a stereotype of girls only wanting to be mothers, so Nina wasn't allowed to have dolls.

When Nina asked for a dog, her parents rejected this idea because they felt it would be too much work.

Neither parent understood that their daughter had a need to nurture someone or something, so they ignored these needs.

The result was that, without realizing it, Nina would often choose men who were emotionally dependent upon her.

After a while, these relationships fell apart because Nina found their emotional demands to be too much.

But when she met Sam, she thought she had finally met a man who was loving and kind and who also knew how to take care of himself.  She didn't know, at that point, that he was unconsciously suppressing these needs and they would surface later on.

As their sex life began to dwindle, Nina tried to talk to Sam about what they could do to rekindle the passion that they once had.

She felt hurt and rejected because she was the one who usually tried to initiate sex between them and Sam wasn't interested.

He tried to assure Nina that he still loved her, but he just wasn't feeling sexual (see my article:  Sexual Incompatibility in Relationships, Have You and Your Spouse Stopped Having Sex? and Telltale Signs That You and Your Spouse Are Growing Apart).

Behaving Like a Parent to Your Spouse Could Be Ruining Your Relationship

But when Sam began feeling a powerful sexual attraction to a woman at work who was flirting with him and he realized that he was fantasizing about having sex with this woman, he realized that the problem wasn't that he wasn't feeling sexual at all--the problem was that he wasn't feeling sexual with Nina.

Soon he was having lunch with this other woman and confiding in her about his marital problems (see my article: Are You Having an Emotional Affair?).

But when she told him that she reserved a room for them at a nearby hotel and he realized that he was tempted to go, he knew he had to stop socializing with her.

Not understanding what was happening in his relationship, he told Nina about his sexual attraction towards his female coworker.  He told her that he had no intention of getting involved with this other woman, but it made him realize that something was amiss between the two of them.

Nina felt hurt, but she blamed herself for gaining a few extra pounds and for not making more of an effort to look attractive for Sam, so she began going to the gym and working with a trainer, buying new lingerie to look more sexually attractive, and being more sexually playful with him.

But none of this rekindled Sam's sexual desire for Nina.

Not willing to live as "roommates," Nina suggested that they go to couples counseling to try to save their relationship.

With the help of couples therapy, they could see how this parent-child dynamic affected their relationship (see my article:  The Importance of Talking About Sex Problems in Your Psychotherapy Sessions).

Sam realized that Nina had become a "mother" to him and that it was understandable that he wouldn't want to have sex with his "mother."

Nina was able to see how, once again, she chose a man who had strong dependency needs, even though they weren't as obvious at first.  She was also able to see how her need to be "mothering" developed because of her own background.

Both of them saw how their individual psychologies came together to create their current problem.

But having insight into their problems wasn't the same as changing them.  They each needed to work in their own individual therapy to work through their early unresolved problems.

They each chose EMDR therapists who helped each of them to resolve their childhood problems and the underlying unmet needs (see my article:  Experiential Therapy, Like EMDR, Helps to Achieve Emotional Breakthroughs).

As they each worked in their individual therapy, they also worked in couples counseling to change their relationship dynamic so that Nina was no longer in the "mother" role and Sam was no longer in the "child" role.  They began to relate as two adults, and they eventually regained their sexual intimacy.

This wasn't easy because their individual problems as well as their problems as a couple were complicated and longstanding, but they both wanted to salvage their marriage so they persevered.

Conclusion
There are many reasons why people get into mother-child roles in their relationships.  As I mentioned earlier, these dynamics are often unconscious and relate to unmet childhood emotional needs.

I want to emphasize, once again, that all relationships have nurturing qualities to them as part of the relationship where, over time, the nurturing is reciprocal. The problem usually arises when this is the predominant quality and it is one sided.

Often, this dynamic surfaces after the couple has been together for a while.  During the first year or two, the sexual chemistry that is part of all early relationships can mask some of these problems.  Once the sexual chemistry naturally dwindles somewhat and the relationship becomes more emotionally intimate over time, these dynamics are more apparent.

When both people in a relationship are willing to change this type of dynamic and begin to see how each of their histories have contributed to it, it's important that they get beyond just understanding it in an intellectual way.

Experiential therapies, like EMDR, help clients to process unresolved problems in a way that helps them to understand as well as make an affective shift in their dynamic (see my articles:  How EMDR Works - Part 1 and Part 2).

Getting Help in Therapy
If you recognize the dynamics described in this article as being similar to what's happening in your relationship, you can get help from a licensed mental health professional who works with unconscious process, understands relationship dynamics and who does experiential therapy, as opposed to just talk therapy.

Without help, most relationships that have a predominant mother-child relationship tend to lose many of the other qualities that each person enjoyed in the relationship.

Don't wait until the sexual and romantic aspects of your relationship completely fizzle out.

Many couples wait until it's too late to try to save their relationship.

By getting help now, you can salvage your relationship before it's too late.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families and People Pleasing

In my prior articles about adult children of dysfunctional families, I focused on various personality traits, which are described in ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) Laundry list and which are often found in adult children from dysfunctional families, including confusing love and pity and having difficulty completing things.  In this article, I'll focus on another trait from this list, people pleasing (also known as approval seeking).

Children of Dysfunctional Families

As I've mentioned in the prior articles, dysfunctional families, include families where there is addictive or chaotic behavior, which could include, among other things:  alcoholism, drug abuse, compulsive gambling, domestic violence, infidelity, sexual addiction, and other chaotic and unhealthy behavior.

People who grew up in a dysfunctional family often didn't get the love and approval that they needed as  children.  So, as adults, they usually engage in people pleasing behavior, often to their own detriment, to try to seek approval and avoid feeling abandoned.

Inwardly, they often suffer with low self esteem, which also fuels their need to seek approval from outside of themselves.

Not everyone who engages in people pleasing behavior comes from a dysfunctional family, but it is a common trait for adults from these families.

Often, until they come to therapy, individuals who engage in people pleasing behavior have little or no awareness that they have this personality trait.

It's also not unusual for them to wait until there's an emotional crisis for them to seek help for themselves.

The following vignette which, as always, is a composite of many cases to protect confidentiality, illustrated how therapy can help to overcome people pleasing behavior:

Alice
Alice was in her early 50s by the time she came to therapy for the first time.  She was exhausted and at her wit's end trying to balance taking care of her teenage children, her husband, her household, and her elderly parents.

Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families and People Pleasing

Never having been in therapy, Alice came initially because she felt she needed emotional support to continue providing support to everyone else.

Initially, she expressed guilt about not being able to handle all the responsibilities that she took on without feeling depleted and overwhelmed.

As we discussed her family history, she divulged that she grew up as an only child in a household where her father was an alcoholic and her mother was a compulsive gambler.

Her role in the family was as the "scapegoat" (see my article:  The Role of the Family Scapegoat in Dysfunctional Families).

Alice had a nurturing grandmother who took care of Alice when she was young

They lived upstairs from Alice's grandmother, who was warm and nurturing and also made sure that Alice's basic needs were taken care of while Alice's parents were out drinking and gambling.

But after her grandmother died, when Alice was 12, Alice was often left to fend for herself as well as take care of her father when he came home drunk while her mother was out at the casino.

Alice described her mother as cold and withdrawn.  Her mother often stayed in her room (the parents had separate bedrooms) and kept to herself, especially as her gambling got progressively worse.  When she paid attention to Alice at all, she was critical and dismissive.

Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families:  Alice's mother was a compulsive gambler

Sometimes, when her mother lost a lot of money gambling and she came home angry, she would take out her anger on Alice.  She would threaten to put Alice in an orphanage.  This would terrify Alice as a young child and it created a fear in her that her mother would abandon her.

It wasn't until she came to therapy that Alice came to understand that her parents had already abandoned her emotionally and how this also exacerbated her fears about abandonment and a need to seek approval from others.

Alice described her father as being the more affectionate one when he was sober.  He had endearing pet names for Alice and she liked being around him during those times.

But when he was drunk, it was as if he were a different person (Alice called these shifts "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde").

Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families and People Pleasing:  Alice's father drank excessively

Alice dreaded being around him when he was drunk because he was often enraged and verbally abusive.  When she was a young child and her grandmother was still alive, Alice would retreat into her grandmother's apartment to steer clear of him.

But after her grandmother died and her father's drinking got worse over time, she had no retreat.  And he would usually come home so drunk that he could barely get into bed by himself.

Since her mother wanted nothing to do with her father, Alice would help him as best as she could.

Throughout her childhood, she tried very hard to please her parents, but she was only moderately successful with her father when he was sober.  No matter how hard she tried, Alice couldn't please her mother.

Alice got married when she was 18 to get out of her parents' house.  She and her husband barely knew each other.

Her husband, who was also 18, turned out to be an alcoholic.  Alice tried to make the marriage work, but she left him after three years because she couldn't stand his drinking anymore.  She had a job so she was able to support herself in a rent stabilized apartment.

Several years later, she remarried to a man who was loving and stable, and they eventually had two teenage daughters.

At the point when Alice came to therapy, she was working full time, raising her daughters with her husband, assuming all the household chores at home, and taking care of her elderly parents who lived nearby.

Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families and People Pleasing

She was so exhausted that she often got sick because her immune system was compromised.

Although her husband wanted to help at home and with her parents, she wouldn't allow.  She felt that she needed to be in control of all aspects of the responsibilities that she took on.

She didn't want her daughters, who were in their mid-teens, to help because she didn't want them to feel overwhelmed the way she did as a child.

So, against her husband's wishes that their daughters should have some responsibilities, Alice often catered to them as well (see my article:  Avoiding Codependency With Your Children).

Her husband was also annoyed that Alice spent so much time cleaning and shopping for her parents because they were ungrateful and they could easily have afforded to hire help.

He often told Alice that, by overextending herself with her parents, she was still seeking the love and approval that she never got as a child, but until she came to therapy, she wouldn't listen to him.

Both parents were now in their early 70s and retired.   Her mother was in reasonable good health and she could have taken care of herself and her husband.  But she felt it was Alice's duty, as their only child, to take care of them.

The father, who had cut back on his drinking, was showing signs of alcohol-related dementia and he had become much more passive.

Both treated Alice as if she were still a child, and she felt like a child whenever she was around them (see my article:  Feeling Like a Child Again During Family Visits).

At work, Alice often eagerly volunteered to do extra work to please her boss, who complimented her, but who hadn't given her a raise in several years.

Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families and People Pleasing

The weight of all of these responsibilities came crashing down on Alice one day as she was driving back home from her parents' home to her house during an ice storm.

As she narrowly missed hitting another car due to icy conditions, she burst into tears and barely managed to maintain control of the car.

By the time she got home, Alice felt like she was losing her mind.  She was so out of touch with her own feelings that she didn't realize that her anger and frustration had been building up for many years.

When her husband suggested that she seek help, she felt deeply ashamed for needing help, but she also knew that she felt too overwhelmed to deal with her emotions on her own.

When I showed Alice the ACOA Laundry list, which is a list of 14 character traits developed by the Adult Children of Alcoholics World Service Organization, she was stunned to discover that she could identify with most of these traits, especially #2 which says, "We became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process."

We also talked about codependency and how her codependent behavior was adversely affecting her life as well as her husband's and daughters' lives.

We began therapy by working on Alice developing a better sense of self as an individual who was separate from her parents and her current family.

We worked on her developing better coping skills and self care routines (see my article about self care).

We also did trauma therapy, including EMDR, Somatic Experiencing, and clinical hypnosis to help Alice process her feelings of being emotionally abused and her fear of being abandoned (see my articles: Overcoming Fear of Abandonment).

Giving up even a little bit of control wasn't easy for Alice.  But along the way, she allowed her husband to shoulder more of the responsibilities at home, which he was more than willing to do.

They also both sat down and talked to their daughters about assuming more responsibility for themselves and household chores.

At first, unaccustomed to having these responsibilities they balked, but they eventually got accustomed to helping out.

The most difficult part for Alice was being assertive and setting limits with her mother.

It took a lot of work in therapy for her to get the courage to stand up to her mother and deal with the possible emotional consequences.

Alice mourned what she didn't get emotionally from her parents.

Alice was assertive with her mother

By the time she was ready to talk to her mother, Alice had developed a stronger sense of self.

She knew her mother would be very angry and might never speak to her again.  Although this made her feel anxious and sad, Alice was ready for this possibility.

When she told her mother that she would no longer cook and clean for her parents because she needed time for herself, as Alice predicted, her mother went into a rage and called her "selfish."  But Alice was able to be assertive and set limits with her mother.

Afterwards, Alice had terrible pangs of guilt and anguish. She talked in therapy several times about calling her mother to apologize and take it all back.  But deep down she knew that would be a step backward.

Under these circumstances, feeling guilty after taking a stand for one's self isn't at all unusual, especially for adult children of dysfunctional families, who have problems asserting themselves.

As Alice expressed her guilt, we both knew there was a younger part of herself, the young child who didn't want to be abandoned, who was getting emotionally triggered within Alice. So, we did ego states therapy work to help to heal that part of Alice.

After not hearing from her mother for several months, Alice received a call one day from her mother, who spoke casually and acted as if nothing had ever happened between them.

Even though her mother didn't apologize, Alice knew that it had taken a lot for her mother to make that call, so she accepted her mother's limitations and spoke to her.

By the end of the conversation, her mother gave Alice a dig by saying that the house was in better shape than it ever was with her new housekeeper.  But Alice realized what her mother was doing, and she didn't go for the bait.  She knew she couldn't change her mother.

Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families and People Pleasing

During the termination phase of our work together, Alice reflected back on the crisis that had brought her to therapy.

At the time, as previously mentioned, she wanted emotional support to keep doing what she was doing, but she came to realize that her codependent behavior was unhealthy for her and those around her.

Although she had initially seen this crisis as one of worst things to happen in her life, she now saw it as a turning point that forced her to come to therapy so she could regain her sense of self.

By the time, she ended therapy, she was no longer engaging in people pleasing behavior.

She had more realistic expectations of her parents (see my article:  Developing Realistic Expectations About Your Family of Origin).

She was taking better care of herself.   She and her husband went out more.  Her daughters were helping out more.  Alice no longer spent long hours at the office and she asserted herself to get a raise.  She was also attending Al Anon meetings (see my article:  Al Anon: Beyond Reciting Slogans).

See my other articles on this topic:
Dynamics of Children of Dysfunctional Families
Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families: Confusing Love and Pity
Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families: Having Difficulty Completing Things

Getting Help in Therapy
Even when you know that you are caught up in approval seeking behavior, trying to overcome this problem on your own is difficult due to the underlying dynamics and emotional triggers involved.

Getting Help in Therapy

Rather than being stuck in this dynamic, you can seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has experience helping clients to develop a strong sense of self, work through related trauma and overcome codependent behavior.

Freeing yourself from your history of dysfunctional family dynamics can help you to live a more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many adult children of dysfunctional families and others to overcome shame, improve their self esteem, set limits and boundaries with family members, and overcome codependent behavior to lead happier lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families Often Have Difficulty Completing Things

As I mentioned in earlier articles, until they get psychological help, many adult children of alcoholics (ACOAs) and dysfunctional families have difficulty in adult relationships.

Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families Often Have Difficulty Completing Things

These difficulties usually stem from growing up in a family where they lived in a chaotic household where the parents were often drunk, unpredictable, irresponsible and created chaos in the family.

Since dysfunctional family dynamics are often intergenerational, chances are good that these patterns will continue from one generation to the next until the adult child of a dysfunctional family decides to get psychological help to break this pattern.

One of the difficulties is problems completing things, which include personal project, educational pursuits, work projects and so on.

The following vignette, which is a composite of many different cases to protect confidentiality, illustrates how these dynamics play out as well as how to break this pattern:

Dan

Dan grew up in a large family where his father, Joe, was a heavy drinker and his parents often argued because of Joe's alcoholism.

Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families Often Have  Difficulty Completing Things

As far back as he could remember, his family's social activities revolved around the local bar.  As the oldest child of seven children, he was usually the one who helped his father to walk home on a Saturday evening at closing time when his father was too drunk to walk on his own.

Since many of Dan's friends in the neighborhood had the same role in their families, Dan didn't realize, until he became an adult, that there was anything unusual about this.  He thought that this was just how life was for the average family.

Over the course of Dan's childhood, his father had many jobs as a plumber's assistant.  Most of the time, his father would begin these jobs with enthusiasm.  But soon after he began, he would complain about the boss's unfairness, perceived slights, and many other gripes that he would had.

Within a few months, he began to go in late or he just didn't show up at all.  On the days when he didn't bother to go in, he would hang out with his buddies in the bar.  Soon after that, he would lose his job and begin searching for another one where he would repeat the same pattern.

As a result, the family was often in a state of emotional and financial chaos.  Dan's mother, Liz, Dan and his brothers were usually on an emotional roller coaster, hoping the good times would last when times were good and dreading that the bad times would never end when times were bad.

As Joe's drinking problem progressed, Liz got a job as a school aide to help pay the bills.  Even though her salary was low, she managed, somehow, to always have food on the table, although it might be meager.  But she was constantly fending off the landlord, threats of eviction, and bill collectors.

When Joe could no longer work because his alcoholism created health problems, as a young adult, Dan became the primary breadwinner for the family, and his younger brothers helped out by getting part time jobs.  During that time, his mother went to nursing school and eventually got a job in a hospital as a nurse.

Volunteering for double shifts, Liz earned more money than the family had ever seen.  By then, Dan was able to enroll in college where he met and fell in love with Linda.

Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families Often Have Difficulty Completing Things

Throughout his life, Dan had difficulty completing things.  Even when he was a child, he would start assembling a model car with enthusiasm, but then he would lose interest and drop the project.

Dan was enthusiastic about starting college, but he soon found himself struggling to stay organized and keep up with the work.  Since he was very bright, he sailed through high school without much effort and without completing many of his assignments, but he discovered that college required more, which frightened him.

Whenever Dan felt frustrated and wanted to quit, Linda would encourage him to stick it out.  She helped him to try to stay calm and get organized, but he continued to struggle with an urge to quit.

At that point, Dan realized that he had a problem, but he didn't understand what was happening to him.  So, he decided to go to the college counseling center, where he was able to have three sessions with a clinical social worker, who provided Dan with psychoeducation about how adult children of alcoholics are often affected by their family dynamics.  After the three sessions, his college counselor referred Dan to me for psychotherapy.

Initially, Dan had a problem making a commitment to come to his therapy sessions.  He seemed always on the verge of leaving, saying that he understood his problems and he didn't see the need to continue.

The initial stage of our work involved helping Dan to develop better coping skills, which he was never taught as a child.  As a result, Dan had low tolerance for frustration or anything that required sustained effort.

At that point in his therapy, his motivation was mostly external:  He knew that if he quit college, his chances of getting the kind of job that he wanted would be nil.  

I helped Dan to see the difference between intellectual insight, which is what he had at that point, and actually using this insight to make the changes he said he wanted to make.  As we looked at his life, he admitted that insight alone wasn't helping him to change.

Then, we began working on Dan's early childhood trauma, including the shame that he felt about himself and his family, as well as breaking self destructive patterns related to his trauma.

Even though Dan was aware of the negative impact of his family dynamics, until then, he never thought of himself as having been traumatized.  He had problems accepting this, at first, until he began to connect, on an emotional level, his experiences in his family with his current problems.

Since talk therapy only took us so far, I introduced Dan to concepts of mind-body oriented psychotherapy, including clinical hypnosis, EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) and Somatic Experiencing.

Over time, by using EMDR, Dan began to work through his childhood trauma (see my article:  What is EMDR? and How Does EMDR Work?).  It wasn't easy work, but the coping skills that he learned early on in therapy helped him.

Gradually, Dan noticed that he began to feel better about himself and he no longer felt ashamed.  He no longer felt responsible for his father's alcoholism and his enmeshed childhood family dynamics.

As Dan became more self aware and self confident, he was able to tolerate frustration better and he no longer felt the need to quit college.  He completed his assignments on time and enjoyed learning.

As Dan saw positive results in our work, he felt encouraged to continue to do the work.  He also began attending Al-Anon for additional emotional support, and Liz attended her own Al-Anon meetings to help her avoid codependent dynamics.

Dysfunctional Family Dynamics Without Alcohol
Although this article focuses on ACOA dynamics related to alcoholism, many people, who grew up in dysfunctional families where there was no substance abuse, also experience similar dynamics.

Aside from substance abuse, intergenerational patterns of trauma, regardless of their origins, can create similar dynamics.

See my other articles on this topic:
Dynamics of Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families

Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families: Confusing Love and Pity

Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families and People Pleasing

Getting Help in Therapy
Many people who are affected by childhood trauma related to dysfunctional families, never get the psychological help that they need.  The result is that they continue to perpetuate these dynamics in their own lives as well as in their children's lives.

If these issues resonate with you, even though taking the first step might seem hard, you owe it to yourself and your spouse and family to get psychological help from a licensed mental health professional who has experience helping clients with these issues.

With help in therapy, you and your family could be living a happier life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients who grew up in dysfunctional families to thrive.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families: Confusing Love and Pity

This article was updated on September 17, 2026. 

Adult children of dysfunctional families frequently display a subconscious repetition compulsion where they confuse pity for love, routinely entering codependent relationships driven by an intense urge to rescue their partners. Even when active substance abuse is absent, individuals raised in chaotic or emotionally neglectful households develop relational adaptations nearly identical to Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOA).

• Healing the rescue dynamic: Adult children of dysfunctional families can heal repetition compulsions by addressing childhood abandonment wounds in therapy.

Driven by a deep-seated, unconscious fear of abandonment, these individuals naturally gravitate toward romantic partners trapped in perpetual turmoil. Subconsciously, the mind reasons that a vulnerable, struggling partner is dependent on them and therefore less likely to leave—trapping both individuals in an exhausting trauma bond (see my articles: Dynamics of Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families and Overcoming Fear of Abandonment).

Recognizing that these codependent behaviors operate below conscious awareness is a critical milestone. Real, systemic change requires processing the root childhood developmental trauma so these protective relational scripts stop repeating across adulthood (see my articles: Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families: Having Difficulty Completing Things and Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families and People Pleasing).

Clinical Vignette: To preserve strict clinical confidentiality, the following scenario represents a composite case study illustrating how an adult child of a dysfunctional family can safely break a cycle of compulsive rescuing through depth therapy.

The Case of Ella: Trapped in a Rescue Schema

Ella initiated psychotherapy in her early 30s, feeling deeply distressed and demoralized by a continuous pattern of catastrophic breakups. Her latest live-in boyfriend, Dan, had just abruptly moved out of her apartment following a turbulent year of escalating conflict. Ella had experienced three prior long-term relationships, and every single one had collapsed under similar circumstances.

When Ella first met Dan at a local café, he was unemployed, financially unstable, and couch-surfing. Rather than noting these issues as warning signs, Ella experienced an immediate, intense magnetic attraction. Within weeks, she invited him to move into her apartment, assuming full financial responsibility while he looked for work.

Ella aggressively brushed off concerns raised by her close friends, who noted clear behavioral red flags (see my article: Falling in Love With "Mr. Wrong" Over and Over Again). Dan harbored a history of volatile relationships and career instability that perfectly mirrored Ella’s previous partners. However, Ella remained highly confident that with her boundless help, networking, and emotional management, Dan would quickly get back on his feet and they would remain in love forever.

The Turning Point: When Codependency Sparks Conflict

Initially, the relationship was marked by intense passion, which Ella mistakenly interpreted as confirmation that they were "soul mates." She spent massive amounts of energy leveraging her professional network to secure job interviews for Dan. However, her colleagues reported troubling feedback, noting that Dan was defensive, highly critical of past employers, and difficult to recommend.

After six months of chronic stagnation, the relational dynamic collapsed into resentment:

• The Parent-Child Shift: As Ella pushed Dan to execute her job-seeking suggestions, Dan pulled away, stating he lost all sexual attraction to her because she was nagging him like his mother.
• The Cycle of Blame: Ella felt profoundly unappreciated for her financial and professional sacrifices, completely blind to the fact that her intense caretaking was actually an attempt to micromanage his life.
• The Abrupt Abandonment: The gridlock culminated when Dan quietly packed his belongings while Ella was at work, leaving a terse note stating he was exhausted by her attempts to "fix" him.

Unpacking the Trauma in Psychotherapy

Dealing with intense abandonment panic, Ella began weekly counseling. A foundational breakthrough occurred when I introduced her to the ACOA Laundry List—a clinical inventory of behavioral traits characteristic of adults raised in alcoholic or chaotic family systems. Ella was stunned to identify with nearly every trait on the list.

Through long-term psychotherapeutic processing, Ella achieved several critical emotional insights:

• Disentangling Pity from Intimacy: She recognized that what she felt for her partners wasn't authentic, mutual love, but a projection of pity designed to fill her own internal voids.
• Releasing the Identity of the Savior: She realized the massive emotional, physical, and financial toll she had paid by treating adult men as projects to be repaired.
• Processing the Childhood Root: By processing her early childhood trauma, she unblended from her fear of abandonment. She realized she no longer needed to find people who were broken just to guarantee they wouldn't leave.

Ultimately, Ella broke her repetition compulsion, developing a secure sense of self-worth that allowed her to feel naturally attracted to stable, emotionally mature individuals.

 

Break the Cycle of Codependent Relationships
If you find yourself repeatedly falling for partners who need to be rescued, fixed, or financially supported, you may be running an old childhood survival script Confusing pity for love is an exhausting cycle, but with depth-oriented therapy, you can safely process your history and build a stable baseline of self-worth. 

   

As an advanced relationship and trauma specialist based in Greenwich Village, NY 10011, I provide specialized IFS Parts Work, Somatic Experiencing, EMDR, AEDP, and Psychodynamic Therapy to help adults build healthy, secure attachments.

 

I provide a complimentary 15 minute phone call before setting up an appointment (visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist).

 

You can reach me (917) 742-2624 or email me for in person or online therapy.

The Dynamics of Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families

The Adult Children of Alcoholics World Service Organization outlines a laundry list of 14 traits of Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOAs).  These traits often apply to adult children of dysfunctional families.

Dynamics of Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families

As a psychotherapist who specializes in working with trauma, I work with individuals and couples who are challenged by these characteristics and who often don't come to therapy until they have been significantly impacted in their adults lives.

Dynamics of Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families

These traits, which are usually deeply ingrained, are often perpetuated from one generation to the next, and difficult to overcome on your own.

Adult Children of Alcoholics and people from dysfunctional families are often surprised when they read the laundry list to discover that they identify with many of these traits.  They're also usually relieved to discover that these problems are not unique to them and that there is an identifiable cause that is known.

Some of the traits include:

• Approval seeking and loss of identity
• Confusing love and pity
• Confusing compassion and responsibility
• Fear of angry people and personal criticism
• Fear of authority figures
• Difficulty completing things

Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families and Fear

I've discussed other traits that are often identified as characteristics of adults from alcoholic and/or dysfunctional families in prior articles, including:

• Mind-Body Connection: Responding Instead of Reacting to Stress

• Overcoming Fear of Abandonment

• Overcoming Fear of Anger

• Relationships: Overcoming Codependency

• Avoiding Codependency With Your Children

• Learning to Feel Comfortable With Yourself

• Exploring Secondary Gains of Codependency in Therapy

• Addicted to Stress

• Al-Anon: Beyond Reciting Slogans

• Overcoming Childhood Trauma That Affects You as an Adult

• How to Stop Pretending That You're Happy When You're Not

• Early Recovery: You've Stopped Drinking. Now What?

• Overcoming the Temptation to Use "Liquid Courage" to Feel Comfortable in Social Situations

• Toxic Family Secrets

• Overcoming Dysfunctional Ways of Relating in Your Family

• Overcoming Shame: Is Shame Keeping You From Starting Therapy?

• Why Is It That It's Usually the Healthiest Person in a Dysfunctional Family Who Goes to Therapy?

• Getting to Know the Only Person You Can Change: Yourself

See my other articles about dynamics of adult children of dysfunctional families:

• Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families: Confusing Love and Pity

• Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families: Having Difficulty Completing Things

• Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families and People Pleasing

I look forward to hearing your comments.

Getting Help in Therapy
Many people who come from dysfunctional families, whether there was alcoholism or not, feel that they were the only ones who experienced childhood trauma in this way in their families.

As a result, they tend to isolate or to pretend that they're doing well when they're not.

Free Yourself From the Psychological Effects of Trauma By Getting Help in Therapy

Rather than isolating and suffering with the psychological effects of trauma by yourself, you could get help from a licensed mental health professional who has experience working with psychological trauma so you can free yourself from the negative impact of your family history and live a fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

One of my specialties is helping clients to overcome emotional trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.