Staying Positive and Focused on Your Goals

Staying positive and focused on your goals, especially long-term goals, can be challenging.

Many people who made New Year's resolutions in January have already given up on keeping their resolutions (see my article: Making and Keeping New Year's Resolutions).

There are many reasons why people, who start out motivated at the beginning of the year, lose their motivation after just a few months or even a few weeks.

Here are some of the primary reasons why people give up on their goals:

Having Unrealistic Goals
Many people have unrealistic ideas about what they can achieve.

New Year's resolutions tend to be about things like losing weight, exercising more or eating healthier.

These are all worthy goals, but the problem arises when people set unrealistic goals, like wanting to lose 50 lbs in a month.  This is an unrealistic and unattainable goal for most people and it sets them up for failure.

In addition to being realistic and attainable, you're more likely to succeed at accomplishing your goals if they're specific, measurable, relevant and time bound.

Engaging in All or Nothing Thinking
When goals are unrealistic and unattainable, people usually become discouraged and give up rather than recognizing that the goal was unrealistic and modifying it.

It becomes an all-or-nothing proposition for them (see my article:  Overcoming All or Nothing Thinking).

Having False Expectations that Accomplishing Your Goals Will Create a "New You"
The idea of people "reinventing" themselves is a part of the American culture.

We read in self help books and hear ads all the time that say that you can create a "new you" if you only lose weight, have whiter teeth or ____________________ (fill in the blank).

This cultural stereotype appeals to people who want a "quick fix" as opposed to people who recognize that change is a process that usually occurs over time.

Avoid False Expectations That Accomplishing Your Goals Will Create a "New You"

When people focus exclusively on external change without focusing on internal change, even when they succeed at their external goal, it's harder to persevere in that goal if they haven't done the psychological work that's necessary to maintain the process.

For instance, I've known people who had lap band surgery to lose weight.

After the surgery, they lost a lot of weight.  But if they didn't work on the psychological issues that triggered overeating, they often either reverted to overeating and got sick or they developed another addictive behavior, like gambling.

Allowing People in Your Life to Discourage You
When you have an important goal, it's important to share your intention with people who are going to be supportive of you (see my article: Beware of Emotional Saboteurs).

Emotional support to accomplish a goal can make the difference between accomplishing your goal or giving up.

Don't Allow Emotional Saboteurs to Discourage You From Accomplishing Your Goals

In an ideal world, everyone in your life would be supportive and encouraging.  But, as most of us know, this just isn't the case.

When you share your intention to accomplish a goal with people who tend to be discouraging, you're exposing yourself to their negative thinking and, possibly, allowing their negativity to derail you.

People who tend to be negative and discouraging aren't always doing it to sabotage you.  Sometimes, without even realizing it, they project their own discouragement about themselves onto you.

If you know you have a healthy, realistic and worthy goal, you have to become more self protective and talk about your goal with other motivated people who are doing positive things in their lives and want the same for you.

Allowing Self Sabotage and Negative Thoughts to Keep You From Accomplishing Your Goals
Even more detrimental than other people's negativity are your own negative thoughts that can creep in so easily, before you realize it, to discourage you from accomplishing your goals (see my article:  Are You Sabotaging Yourself With Negative Self Talk?)

Negative thoughts (also known as negative self talk) can be so insidious and so automatic that, before you know it, you've talked yourself out of pursuing your goals.

Staying Positive and Focused on Your Goals
Remember that change is a process.

Staying Positive and Focused on Your Goals: Change is a Process

Keeping a journal where you write down your progress along the way to accomplishing your goals can help you to stay positive and focused on your goals (see my article:  Are You Able to Celebrate Your Progress or Are You Only Focused on How Much More You Have to Go?).

Along the way, keeping a gratitude journal can also help you to appreciate all that you have to be grateful for throughout the process of working on your goals.

Getting Help in Therapy
It can be challenging to stay positive and focused on your goals even under the best of circumstances, but if you have a history of emotional trauma or there are other psychological issues that are creating obstacles for you, it's even harder.

If you realize that psychological issues are preventing you from fulfilling your dreams, you owe it to yourself to get help.

Working with a licensed mental health professional who has expertise in helping people to overcome psychological issues that create obstacles to realizing your goals can make the difference for you of being successful or falling short of your goals.

Getting help can lead to a more meaningful, fulfilled life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have worked with many clients to help them to overcome emotional obstacles in their lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Overcoming the Temptation to Use "Liquid Courage" to Cope With Social Situations

As a psychotherapist in NYC, I've been seeing more clients these days, as compared to the past, who are experiencing crippling fears in social situations, and many of them are relying on alcohol to give them "liquid courage," which provides a false sense of confidence in these situations (see my article: Overcoming Social Anxiety).

Fear and Shame in Social Situations

Fear and Shame in Social Situations
There have been tons of article written about why people are having such difficulty overcoming their feelings of vulnerability and shame when it comes to socializing and dating (see my articles: Overcoming Loneliness and Social Isolation and Overcoming Shame).

                   Fear and Shame in Social Situations

These articles give many reasons why this phenomenon is especially prevalent these days, including the fact that people are communicating more online than in person, and many people haven't learned the basic skills necessary to interact socially in person without experiencing dread.

Fear and Shame in Social Situations

Fear of Socializing Without "Liquid Courage"
So, I'm not going to focus so much on the reasons for this problem, which have have already been discussed in many other articles.  Instead, I'm going to focus on a social phenomenon that I've seen with people of all ages, which is that they feel they can't socialize without "liquid courage" to get them through.

Overcoming the Temptation to Use "Liquid Courage" to Cope With Social Situations

As I usually do in my articles, I'll give a scenario to highlight the problems and some of the ways these problems can be overcome in therapy.

Although the example that I give is about a man, this issue affects both men and women regardless of age, race or sexual orientation.

As always, this scenario is a composite of many cases with all identifying information changed to protect confidentiality:

Mike
Mike, who was in his early 30s, never attended any social event without having at least one drink before he went.

Although, at this point in his life, he very much wanted to be in a relationship, he felt almost paralyzed with fear when he thought about talking to an attractive woman at a party.

Before, he went, he imagined all the things that could go wrong and how embarrassed he would be:  What if there were uncomfortable pauses in the conversation because he couldn't think of anything to say?  What if he looked "stupid" because he didn't understand what she was talking about?  What if she thought he was a bore?  What if he spilled his drink all over himself?  And he ruminated on and on, which escalated his fear.

At times, he felt so emotionally vulnerable when he thought about an upcoming party that he would agonize for days beforehand.

Sometimes, his fear and shame were so great that he would cancel at the last minute rather than deal with facing a situation where he felt sure he would make a fool of himself.

But the immediate relief that Mike felt from avoiding the social situation was often short lived.  Within hours, he regretted not going because his avoidance kept him feeling stuck and lonely for female companionship.

He had plenty of male friends that he hung out with, but socializing with women that he had never met before felt like an insurmountable challenge for him.

Although he felt confident in his career (where he worked mostly with men) and hanging out in a sports bar with his buddies, he lost all confidence in himself when he was in a situation where there were women he didn't know.

On those occasions when he did go to parties, he fortified himself with "liquid courage" (one or two drinks) before he left the house.  Then, he had a few more drinks when he arrived at the party and he was able to loosen up enough to chat with women he didn't know.

Overcoming the Temptation to Use "Liquid Courage"  to Cope With Social Situations

With a few drinks in him, Mike felt less inhibited and he was able to forget about being self conscious.  He was often funny after a few drinks, and women would tell him that he had a great sense of humor.  He also felt more confident about asking women to go out.

The problem was that, by the next day, without alcohol, he still felt the same crippling fear as before, and he was sure that when he called the woman that he met, he would be so socially inept that she wouldn't want to go out with him.

Fear and Shame in Social Situations Without Alcohol

After struggling this way for a couple of years, Mike realized that he had a real problem and he came to therapy.

In therapy, Mike and I worked on the underlying issues, including a childhood with overly critical parents, that were at the core of his problems.  Even though he was an adult, he continued to struggle with these old messages that made him feel worthless in social situations with women he didn't know.

Aside from working through these underlying emotional issues, Mike also needed to practice getting more comfortable approaching these social situations without fortifying himself with alcohol.

On a rational level, Mike knew that he couldn't keep relying on alcohol to get him through because it was only a temporary fix.  And, since his father had problems with alcoholism, Mike also knew that a possible genetic predisposition to alcoholism could create a bigger problem for him if he continued to rely on alcohol.

But, on an emotional level, Mike felt that alcohol had become his reliable "friend" in helping him to get through these situations.  Even though Mike wasn't an alcoholic, he knew that his maladaptive ways of coping with social situations wasn't going to be easy to change.

We worked on Mike's childhood history of emotional abuse using EMDR therapy.  We also used the cognitive behavioral technique of desensitization for his fears related to socializing.

Using a desensitization technique, we set up a hierarchy of Mike's fears and worked on them, step by step, one by one (from low to high) so that he could overcome his fears.

In addition, we used clinical hypnosis (also known as hypnotherapy) to help boost Mike's confidence.

In the meantime, Mike cut back on his drinking.  He practiced going to social events without having a drink beforehand.  He also cut back on the alcohol that he drank while at social events.

Needless to say, it wasn't easy for him.  Initially, he was so afraid that he just hung out with mostly friends that he knew and steered clear of talking to women that he really would have liked to meet.

But as we continued to work together, over time, Mike became more comfortable taking small steps to allow himself to be more emotionally vulnerable in these situations.

As you would expect, some days were better than others.  But what was most important was that Mike was willing to work on these issues in therapy and, even more important, he was willing to put himself out there in ways that were, initially, uncomfortable.

Overcoming the Temptation to Use "Liquid Courage" to Cope With Social Situations

It wasn't easy but, gradually, he overcame the near paralyzing fear and shame that had kept him feeling too vulnerable, and he was able to do it without relying on alcohol as a social lubricant.

At the same time, Mike developed more confidence in himself socially, and he eventually met a woman  he really liked and, a couple of years later, they got married.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you're often tempted to use "liquid courage" as a maladaptive way to cope with social situations, you're not alone.

Chances are that you also know a lot of people, possibly even your close friends, who are doing the same thing.  But, whether they admit it to themselves or not, most people who are struggling with this problem realize deep down that relying on alcohol isn't the solution.

Rather than trying to go it alone, you owe it to yourself to get help from a licensed mental health professional who has the expertise to help you overcome this problem.

Although there's no quick fix for this issue, by getting help you can give yourself an opportunity to approach social situations with more pose and confidence.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples. 

In addition to being a licensed therapist, I am also a certified Substance Abuse Professional.

I also work adjunctively with clients who want to remain with their primary therapists who might not have expertise in this area.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Resources:
If you think you have an alcohol or drug problem, see my article:
Early Recovery: You've Stopped Drinking. Now What?

You can also find an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting in your area by clicking on this link:
Alcoholics Anonymous.

Dating: Is It Time to Have "The Talk"?

During recent years, dating has become a lot more complicated than it used to be.  From my perspective, as psychotherapist, people seemed a lot more open to being emotionally vulnerable in the past when they were dating as compared to how self protective many people are now (see my article:  Dating vs Being in a Relationship: Take Time to Get to Know Each Other).

Dating:  Is It Time to Have "The Talk"

To be sure, there have always been people who have been too afraid to allow themselves to be open and vulnerable to communicating their feelings in a dating relationship.

But it seems this is even more the case now, especially since people are relying on more indirect means of meeting each other, like dating websites and social media, and in the current environment, this makes it harder for people to be direct about their feelings or to say whether they want to continue to date or if they want a more committed relationship.

Stages of Dating
Another phenomenon that I've noticed is that many people are unaware that there are certain stages of dating or they just don't know how to date.

When I refer to "stages of dating," I'm not referring to specific, concrete stages.  I'm referring to the progression that might start with the first date and go on to the first kiss and might move onto a sexual encounter.

I realize that many people bypass these stages and refuse to even call what they're doing "dating."  They might see themselves as just "hooking up" or "hanging out."  Of course, this can lead to even more confusion because there's no process involved.

But, assuming that you're dating someone and you both agree that this is what you're doing, there are choice points along the way.

So, for instance, if you decide to go out on the first date, depending upon your experience during that date, you might decide that you don't want to continue to see this person or vice versa. Hopefully, this is handled with tact and compassion.

But if you continue to see each other, at some point during the first several months, it's a good idea to check in with the other person about how he or she feels.

What Is "The Talk"?
"The talk" is the conversation that you and the person you're dating have to reveal, openly and honestly, how you feel about each other.  Among other things, you talk about whether the two of you want to be exclusive with each other or whether you want to continue dating other people.

Why Is It Necessary to Have "The Talk"?
Lots of people who are dating try to avoid having "the talk" for as long as possible.  Others make their feelings known early on.

There can be many misunderstandings between people who are dating.  One person might think they're dating each other exclusively while the other person might still be "playing the field."

Dating:  Why Is It Necessary to Have "The Talk"?

When this mismatch comes to light, it can be emotionally painful, especially for the person who was under the assumption that they were exclusive.

To avoid these types of misunderstandings and also avoid trying to "read between the lines," it's better to have an open and honest conversation about how each one of you feels about the other and what each of you wants.

Why Is It So Hard to Have "The Talk"
Nowadays, many people fear having the dreaded "talk" with the person they're dating because they're afraid of looking foolish, needy, and being embarrassed.

If they're interested in having an exclusive relationship, they fear putting their feelings on the line because the other person might not want this.

For other people, who want the freedom to see other people, they fear hurting the person they're dating because s/he might not feel the same way.

So, many people feel they're stuck in an emotional quandary about how to even approach "the talk."

Generally speaking, women often fear that the man they're dating will see them as "clingy" and men fear that women will feel they're begin "pushy" and, sometimes, vice versa.

When to Have "The Talk"
There are no hard and fast rules about when to communicate your feelings to the person that you're dating.

If several months have gone by, and you're really not sure where things stand between you, it's probably a good idea to broach the topic with the person you're dating.

Dating:  When to Have "The Talk"

Although you might fear looking foolish if you want more from this person than he or she might want from you, isn't it better to know rather to wonder or, worse still, to assume that you know when you really don't?

Who Should Initiate the Conversation?
Once again, there are no rules about who should bring up the topic.

Generally speaking, among heterosexual couples, women tend to be the ones to raise this topic because, typically, they're more comfortable talking about relationships.

This certainly doesn't mean that heterosexual men don't initiate conversations about where things stand in a dating relationship.  It's just that, often, they're not as comfortable doing it.

So, if there are no rules about this in heterosexual relationships, there certainly are no rules in gay relationships.

Often, when one or both people feel that they're unsure about where things are heading, the discomfort and lack of certainty is often more uncomfortable than the vulnerability involved with having "the talk."

This probably isn't the best way to approach "the talk,"but often this is the way it goes.

I'll continue this topic in future articles.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also see my articles:
Dating Again in Your 40s, 50s, 60s and Beyond
Falling in Love With Love: Have You Rushed Into a Relationship Too Quickly?
Relationships: Are You In Love With Him or Your Fantasy of Him?

Overcoming Unresolved Guilt Towards a Sibling

Your unresolved guilty feelings can have a negative impact on your relationship with a sibling, and it can also erode how you feel about yourself, especially when your guilt is longstanding.

Too often, unresolved guilt between siblings can lead to misunderstandings or, in some cases, the demise of the siblings' relationship.

Let's look at an example in the following composite vignette, which represents many cases with all identifying information changed to protect confidentiality:

Tom and Ed:
When Ed was born, his older brother, Tom, was a caring and protective older brother.  When he was older, Tom would babysit for his parents.

Overcome Unresolved Guilt Towards a Sibling

As a child, Ed looked up to Tom as his older brother, and they had a loving relationship.

But Tom had a difficult relationship with their father that got worse when he became a teenager.  By the time he was 18, Tom knew that if he didn't leave the family home, he and his father might come to blows.

Tom thought about leaving for a long time before he moved out.  He worried about not being around for Ed, who was still in elementary school.  He went back and forth in his mind debating what he should do.

Ultimately, although he was reluctant to leave Ed behind, he decided to move in with friends, and he moved out of his parents' home while his parents and Ed were out one afternoon.  His friends helped him to swiftly move out of the house while the rest of the family was out, and Tom left a note for his parents.

After that, Tom didn't see his family for several months.  His parents were angry with him for moving out without telling them in advance, and Ed missed him.

Tom maintained contact with Ed by phone.  He felt guilty for leaving Ed, and he tried to explain why he couldn't come home, but Ed didn't understand.

Eventually, Tom's parents asked Tom to come home for a family visit to talk things over.  Tom and his parents went into the dining room to talk about what happened.

The talk went a lot better than Tom had anticipated.  Although they were angry and disappointed, his parents acknowledged that Tom and his father weren't getting along and it was probably for the best that Tom moved out.  As the adult, his father took responsibility for not doing more to try to repair the relationship.

Afterwards, Tom went to see Ed in his room.  Ed barely made eye contact with Tom.  He kept playing a computer video game as Tom tried to talk to him.

Over time, as Tom came around more, their relationship seemed to improve.  But Tom continued to feel guilty and he had a nagging feeling that Ed still feel abandoned by Tom.  He also worried that Ed might have resentment for him that Ed couldn't or wouldn't express, even though Tom encouraged him talk.

As Ed got older, he developed more friends and he had less time to see Tom.  Although, Tom also had many friends and a girlfriend, he kept looking for signs that Ed might still feel resentful towards him.  And when Ed wasn't as available, Tom wondered if this was a sign of resentment.

Over time, Tom and his father's relationship became less contentious.  They were even starting to get close.  But Tom continued to feel guilty about leaving his brother.

So, when Tom came to therapy, he brought up his unresolved guilt.  He said he knew, on a rational level, that he did the right thing for himself by leaving his parents' house and, back then, there wouldn't have been any way to talk to Ed about this because Ed was too young to understand.

Tom also knew, on a rational level, that back when he was 18, if he had remained at home, his contentious relationship with his father and the tense atmosphere it created in the household would have been damaging to Ed.  But, on an emotional level, Tom continued to blame himself and feel guilty.

So, I suggested that Tom could invite Ed to a therapy session to talk over his feelings and I could act as a facilitator of their communication, if both Tom and Ed were open to this idea.

After we talked about it, Tom decided that it was a good idea.  He was a little reluctant to tell Ed that he was in therapy, but he summoned his courage and spoke to him.

To his surprise, Ed agreed to come to the session.

By the time Ed came, Tom already had in mind what he wanted to tell Ed.  Somewhat nervous at first, he told Ed that he felt guilty about leaving him behind years before, and he was afraid that Ed might be harboring resentment towards him.

Ed seemed genuinely surprised that Tom still felt this way.  He told Tom that he remembered feeling surprised and disappointed when Tom moved out, but his childhood memories of Tom were mostly positive.  He remembered Tom taking care of him as a young child and how loving Tom was with him, and he expressed his love and gratitude to his older brother.

Ed also said that, when he got older, he understood that Tom had to leave because of the contentious relationship between Tom and their father.  Ed even said that he sometimes felt guilty that their father treated him so much better as compared to how he treated Tom when they were younger.

There was no sign that Ed harbored resentment towards Tom.  To the contrary, he seemed to still look up to his big brother.

Overcoming Unresolved Guilt Towards a Siblings

Hearing Ed tell him that he cared so much for him and he wasn't holding onto resentment was a great relief for Tom.  He felt like a big weight had been lifted off his shoulders.

A Disconnect Between What You Might Know Rationally vs What You Feel Emotionally
In the particular example that I gave above, there was a disconnect between what Tom felt on an rational level vs. what he felt on a emotional level.  Given the circumstances, Tom knew that he did the best thing for himself at that time.

A disconnect between what someone knows rationally versus what s/he feels emotionally is a common experience in these types of situations.  Sometimes, knowing that the experience might be irrational can be helpful, but it often doesn't make the guilty feelings go away.

In the scenario above, it turned out that Ed wasn't resentful, so Tom's guilty feelings were unwarranted.  But there are many complicated situations where a sibling does harbor resentment and this needs to be worked out.

The Importance of Communication to Deal With Unresolved Guilt Between Siblings
Unfortunately, this dynamic between siblings often goes unspoken, and people can spend years tiptoeing around each other because neither sibling wants to bring it up.

Decades can go by with these underlying emotions that never get discussed or resolved.  Over time, siblings can grow apart because these underlying emotions have a negative impact on their relationship.

In some cases, one or both siblings don't know how to discuss what happened between them or one or both of them is unable or unwilling to talk about it.

Shame is often a major factor for one or both siblings that gets in the way of clearing up whatever happened.

This is when it can be helpful to seek the assistance of a licensed mental health professional to facilitate a dialogue between siblings.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you and a sibling are struggling with a similar issue, rather than continuing to allow guilt to have a negative impact on how you feel about yourself and get in the way of your relationship with a sibling, you could get help in therapy with a licensed mental health professional who can help to mediate between you and your sibling.

Getting Help in Therapy

Even in cases where your sibling is unwilling to participate in therapy, you could benefit from working through your guilt in individual therapy sessions.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Enhancing Solutions to Your Problems With Clinical Hypnosis

When people come to therapy to work out emotional problems that they've been struggling with on their own, in many cases, they don't realize that they actually have the solutions to their problems within themselves.  Clinical hypnosis, also known as hypnotherapy, gives therapy clients an opportunity to access and enhance these solutions.

With the help of an experienced hypnotherapist, who knows how to help therapy clients to gain access to internal solutions to their problems, clients often gain access to internal resources that they have either forgotten about or never realized that they had.

While this might not work for every client and for every problem that clients bring to therapy, it works more often than most people realize.

As an example of how clinical hypnosis can be helpful in this way, the following composite vignette, which has all identifying information changed to protect confidentiality, illustrates this point:

Ed:
Ed, who is a writer, came to therapy because he had "writer's block."  He had already received an advance for his book and he was worried that he wouldn't meet the deadline that he and his publisher had originally agreed upon.

Accessing and Enhancing the Solutions With Clinical Hypnosis: Writer's Block 

The more Ed worried about meeting the deadline, the more "blocked" he felt in his writing.  He described spending hours staring at his computer trying to will himself to begin writing.  But he felt like he had nothing worthwhile to say, even though he was considered an expert in his field.

At those times, Ed described "feeling like a fraud" who had duped other people into believing that he knew what he was talking about.  During those times, he was in constant fear that people would find out that he really wasn't who they thought he was, and then his career would be over.

He described feeling an "old tape" play over and over again in his mind which sounded like his  father's voice saying, "Who do you think you are acting so important!?! No one wants to hear what you have to say."

Even though he had never experienced hypnosis before in his life, Ed agreed to give it a try. Before we began, I explained, as I often do when a client has never experienced hypnosis, that Ed would be in control of his experience the entire time, so that he could stop at any time.  I also explained to him that he would be in a relaxed state where he would maintain a dual awareness of the here-and-now as well as whatever came up during the hypnosis session.

Since Ed was an experienced writer, this wasn't the first time that he was drawing a blank when he sat down to write.  It had happened to him many times before when he was trying to write magazine articles.  But Ed felt that this was different because his assignment involved writing a book and this seemed like a much more daunting process.

Prior to beginning hypnosis, I asked Ed what he had done in the past that helped him when he felt blocked while writing a magazine article, but Ed didn't think he had done anything special to overcome his other experiences with "writer's block."

But when he was in a relaxed hypnotic state, Ed remembered that during those other times, he was, in fact, active in overcoming his block and he remembered what he did:  Instead of conjuring up his critical father, like he was doing for his book assignment, he thought about his college professor from his writing class, who praised and encouraged Ed's writing.  He lifted Ed's spirit and helped him to believe that he had it in him to become a writer.

During hypnosis, Ed remembered how proud he felt when he could say, "I'm a writer" and feel good about it.  He attributed this new found self confidence at the start of his writing career to the encouragement from his professor, who became his writing coach and mentor.

Although his mentor wasn't around any more, Ed could still re-experience the joy he felt during the hypnosis session that someone as esteemed as his mentor had confidence in him.

Accessing and Enhancing the Solutions With Clinical Hypnosis

Using hypnosis, I helped Ed to amplify and deepen this experience with a post hypnotic suggestion so that he could access this empowering experience whenever he needed it.  After several sessions, Ed was writing again and his ideas were flowing.  He was able to look at the book as a series of chapters, similar to the magazine articles that he wrote, instead of becoming overwhelmed that it was a book.

At that point, Ed could have left therapy because his presenting problem was resolved, but he was fascinated by the hypnotherapy process and he decided to remain to work through the trauma of having a hypercritical father.

Accessing and Enhancing the Solution With Clinical Hypnosis
The reason why Ed and other therapy clients are able to access and enhance internal resources using clinical hypnosis is that hypnosis allows them to enter into a receptive state where they are more open to discovering internal solutions.

In the particular example that I gave about Ed, there was a direct relationship between what he did in the past to overcome "writer's block" to what he could do now to overcome the same problem.  But it's often the case that therapy clients discover in hypnosis that they can use internal resources that they used for completely different problems to overcome a current problem.

For example, a woman who showed courage in the past by confronting a bully at her high school was able to access the same courage, which was already a part of her, to ask her boss for a raise.

In a hypnosis session, she was able to access that same courageous self state that wasn't accessible to her during ordinary consciousness.  She could feel it on an emotional and physical level and, with hypnosis, we were able to deepen and amplify the connection that she felt to this self state so that she could use it in her current situation.

The Importance of the Client-Hypnotherapist Rapport
Just like any other type of therapy, clinical hypnosis works best when there is a good rapport between the client and the hypnotherapist.  This usually doesn't happen the first time that they meet in the therapist's office.  It takes time to build a rapport of trust and safety.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you feel stuck with a problem that you've tried, without success, to work out on your own, you could benefit from seeing an experienced hypnotherapist.  During the initial sessions, the hypnotherapist would gather information about the presenting problem as well as your personal history and determine whether you can be helped by clinical hypnosis.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.  I have helped many clients to overcome the obstacles that  kept them from living a fulfilling life.

I also work adjunctively with clients who have primary therapists who are not hypnotherapists.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist and Hypnotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Looking at Your Childhood Trauma History From an Adult Perspective

As a psychotherapist in NYC, one of my specialties is working with adults who are experiencing psychological trauma.  For many clients, their history of trauma stems from psychologically overwhelming events that occurred when they were children.  While working through childhood-related psychological trauma isn't easy, many therapy clients are grateful to discover that they often develop a more nuanced view of their childhood trauma that gives them a broader perspective.

Looking at Your Childhood Trauma History From an Adult Perspective

Becoming an adult provides an opportunity to develop a greater emotional capacity to deal with adversity, including a history of emotional trauma.

Life experience and the awareness that you have overcome challenges in your life in the past often increases your confidence that you can overcome current and future challenges.

You might also have a more mature and nuanced perspective about your childhood trauma now as compared to when you were going through it as a child.  For some people, this perspective is mostly an intellectual as opposed to a more integrated emotional understanding.

Sometimes, people don't develop this more nuanced perspective about their  childhood trauma history until they start processing their emotional trauma in trauma therapy.  When this happens, in some cases, certain aspects of their history can be quite surprising in a positive way.

Some clients discover that they're able to recapture positive aspects of their childhood that they had originally thought were "all negative."  When this happens, it's often an opportunity to have a more balanced view of a childhood history that, initially, seemed "all bad" to the client.

The following composite vignette, with all identifying information changed, illustrates this point:

Ann
Ann, who was in her late 20s, came to therapy because she had difficulty in her romantic relationships with men.

Ann had been in psychotherapy before, and she had some insight that her feelings about her father  had an negative impact on her ability to be in a relationship with a man, but knowing this was of little help to her when she started a new relationship.

Looking at Your Childhood Trauma History From an Adult Perspective

She felt a sense of despair that "men are no good" and she would never find anyone with whom she would have a lasting relationship.

On an intellectual level, Ann knew that there had to be men who were loving, kind and emotionally attentive.  But, deep down on an emotional level, she didn't feel it.

Initially, Ann told me that her father never loved her.  As we talked about her relationship with her father, Ann described him as "irresponsible" and "selfish" for leaving her and her mother when she was five.  From her perspective,  he only made "obligatory visits" and she didn't know why he even bothered since she was sure that he didn't love her.

At first, Ann said that she no longer felt hurt about her history with her father, but the painful look on her face told a different story.

She said she had talked about this in her prior therapy and she felt that "it is what it is" and there was nothing more she could do to change it.  She told me that she accepted her history, and she felt that she had "moved on" with her life.

And yet, she said, she just couldn't understand why it was still affecting her now in her relationships with men.

Ann agreed to explore her childhood history with her father with EMDR and, after preparing to do EMDR, Ann chose a childhood memory about her father that stood out in her mind.

The memory was of Ann, at age six, sobbing as her visit with her father was about to end because he had to leave.

Initially, she couldn't remember the context of this particular memory, but she had a sense that she often sobbed when her father was about to leave and she would beg him not to go.

At first, Ann said that, although she remembered this memory, which could have represented many similar memories, she didn't have any particular feelings about it now.

But when I asked her to sense into her body as she thought about this memory, she was surprised to realize that her face and stomach muscles were tight, her fists were clinched and her heart was pounding.

Since she had never had the experience of sensing into her body to become aware of emotions, she was surprised, so I normalized Ann's response and provided her with psychoeducation about the mind-body connection and how we often hold emotions, including emotions from past trauma, in our bodies.

Based on her physical reaction to remembering this memory, she realized that this memory was affecting her more than she would have thought.  But she still couldn't identify the emotions that she felt related to the memory.

So, we continued to process the memory with EMDR and, as we continued to work on the memory, she discovered, based on her physical reaction, that she was a lot more angry about the memory than she realized and she was holding a lot of this anger in her face, stomach muscles, her hands, and in her chest.

Over time, as we used EMDR in our therapy sessions and she focused on the emotions that she felt in her body, Ann was also surprised to discover that she still had a lot of sadness about this memory that she had not been in touch with before we started doing EMDR and before she became more attuned to what was going on in her body on an emotional level.

Ann had cut off her relationship with her father when she was 17.  And, during the first few months of EMDR therapy, Ann continued to berate her father as being "all bad" and praise her mother as being "all good."

She saw her mother as being the nurturing one who sacrificed her life to take care of Ann after the father abandoned them.

Although she wanted to be in a happy, loving relationship with a man, she just didn't see how this was going to happen since every man that she had ever dated turned out to be a disappointment.  She felt that if she had another disappointing romantic relationship, she just might not be willing to try again with someone new.

Over time, as often happens in EMDR, Ann's memory networks began to open up to other memories about her father.

One day, during an EMDR session, she was shocked to remember that she and her father used to spend time during some of his visits making brownies and how much she loved making brownies with her father.

Remembering these happy memories about baking brownies with her father brought up a mixture of happiness and sadness at the same time.  She was surprised and happy to feel how delighted she had been as a child to have these experiences with her father, but she was also sad to remember how disappointed she felt when those visits ended because her father had to leave.

As other happy memories emerged over time during our EMDR work together, Ann came to realize, much to her surprise, that all of her memories about her father weren't all bad.  And, in fact, she had many happy memories, and her sadness about feeling abandoned by him had overridden these memories in an "all or nothing" way.

Ann described her experience of remembering these happy memories as if she was going back to see herself and her father when she was a child.  And, as an adult, she could see and feel things that she didn't remember before.

Gradually, as Ann continued to process childhood memories related to her feeling abandoned by father, she developed a more nuanced perspective about her history that she didn't have before.

This motivated Ann, who felt no curiosity prior to this, to find out why her father left when she was a child.  She started by asking her mother, who never talked about the separation before.

As she expected, her mother was reluctant and uncomfortable at first, but Ann persuaded her mother that it had become important to her to know what happened back then.

So, reluctantly, her mother told her that she was the one who asked Ann's father to leave the household because she had fallen in love with another man.  She told Ann that her father didn't want to leave, but he acquiesced to her wishes.  She said that the relationship with the other man didn't work out, and she realized that she had made a mistake in ending her relationship with Ann's father but, by then, it was too late because Ann's father was too hurt and he didn't want to get back together again.

Ann's mother told Ann over and over again that her father's departure had nothing to do with Ann, he didn't want to leave, and that Ann's father had always loved Ann.

Then, her mother apologized to Ann because she knew that Ann was deeply hurt by this separation.  She apologized because she knew that Ann blamed her father and this led to Ann cutting off her relationship with her father.  She said she just couldn't bring herself to tell Ann before this.

Although she looked ashamed to admit these things to Ann, she also looked somewhat relieved that Ann knew the truth now.

Ann was so shocked by this turn of events that she needed time in therapy to absorb what her mother told her.  Ann had always assumed that her father left the household because he didn't care about her and her mother any more.  To hear her mother say that she was the one who asked her father to leave was totally unexpected.

Hearing her mother reveal the truth also made Ann realize that she had been going along all this time with a limited understanding about what happened--even as an adult.

Over time, she was able to forgive her mother.  And, with much fear of being rejected, she contacted her father.  Much to her surprise, he responded with delight and they reconnected for the first time in more than 10 years.

The first time that they met for coffee was awkward, but subsequent visits became easier.  During one of their visits, her father brought pictures of Ann as a child that he held onto and cherished, which was deeply moving to Ann.

Looking at Your Childhood Trauma History From an Adult Perspective: Ann Reconnected With Her Father

After a while, they were able to talk about what happened when Ann As a child.  And, as Ann let go of her resentment and anger, she developed a sense of compassion for each of her parents.

Ann also developed a broader perspective than she ever had before.   She came to recognize and accept that her parents were human and had certain flaws, like many other adults in similar situations.

As Ann worked through her childhood history, which had been getting emotionally triggered in her romantic relationships, she made better choices when she began dating men again.  Her perspective about men changed.  And, after she opened up more emotionally, she eventually met someone that she cared about deeply and who cared about her.

Developing an Adult Perspective About Childhood Trauma
Childhood psychological trauma often keeps people stuck on many levels. The most obvious level where people get stuck is on an emotional level.

When you try to work out childhood psychological trauma on your own, it's usually hard to see that your perspective could be stuck at a child-like level.

It's normal, on a developmental level, for young children to have an "all or nothing," "good or bad" or "black and white" view of things that happen to them.  They don't have the capacity to tolerate ambiguity and to see "grey."

Adults usually have a greater capacity to tolerate ambiguity and develop a more complex perspective.  This capacity is often enhanced in trauma therapy.

Adults, who experienced trauma as children, sometimes have an intellectual understanding that what happened to them was complex, but their intellectual understanding doesn't always develop into an emotional understanding that allows them to make changes.  In other words, they understand it with their head but not with their heart.

The vignette above is only one example of how an adult, who is processing trauma, is able to develop a more complex emotional understanding of childhood trauma.  There are many variations on this theme that I have seen working with clients on their trauma.

And, of course, for some people, depending upon the circumstances, it's not possible or even advisable to have a reconciliation.

Fear of Unmanageable Emotions Coming Up in Trauma Therapy
In order to overcome childhood trauma, a client has to be willing to be open to this exploration in therapy.

People, who have experienced trauma, often avoid going to therapy because they fear that something negative might come up unexpectedly that they're not prepared to handle.

Often, without realizing it, they fear what has already happened.  In other words, they fear that by working on the childhood trauma they will experience the same kind of fear they experienced as children.  They don't know or forget that, as adults, they have a greater capacity to deal with these memories than they did as children.

To help prepare clients in trauma therapy, I place a high degree of importance on the resourcing stage of EMDR which helps clients to develop the coping skills to deal with the emotions that come up when processing trauma.

Getting Help in Therapy From a Trauma Therapist
Getting help for unresolved psychological trauma takes courage.  Often people wait until the emotional pain of their trauma outweighs their fear of getting help.

Getting Help in Therapy From a Trauma Therapist

Rather than waiting for your emotional experiences to get worse, you owe it to yourself to get help from a licensed mental health professional who has expertise in working with trauma so that you can free yourself from a history that has become an obstacle to leading a more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I also work adjunctively with clients who have primary therapists who aren't trauma therapists.  

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Why Is It That It's Often the Healthiest Person in a Dysfunctional Family Who Goes to Therapy?

It's not unusual for the one person who comes to therapy from a dysfunctional family to get scapegoated by the family into feeling like she or he is the unhealthy one in the family.

Why Is It That It's Often the Healthiest Person in a Dysfunctional Family Who Goes to Therapy?

Often, other family members point to this person as the one who has the most problems because s/he is attending therapy.  But, in fact, the person who goes to therapy from a dysfunctional family is often the healthiest person in the family.

Why Is It That It's Often the Healthiest Person in the Family Who Goes to Therapy?
Let's understand, first, that by saying that it's often the healthiest person in a dysfunctional family that goes to therapy, it's understood that this is a generalization and it's not always true.

But, having said that, it is often the case because the person who recognizes that s/he needs help is, at least, aware that there is a problem that s/he can't overcome alone, and s/he wants help from a licensed mental health professional to make changes.

In an earlier article, I discussed The Role of the Family Scapegoat in Dysfunctional Families, which is an important concept in order to understand why family members often turn on the healthiest person in the family who seeks help in therapy.

When someone, who is part of a dysfunctional family, seeks help from a psychotherapist, the other family members often feel that this person is being disloyal by airing the family's "dirty laundry," and they often feel worry that the therapy will upset the tenuous "equilibrium" that has been established in the family and upset the status quo (see my article:  When Family Loyalty Gets in the Way of Your Psychotherapy Treatment).

I usually find that a composite vignette, helps to clarify the subjects that I discuss in my articles.   As always, this is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information changed to protect confidentiality:

Jane
When Jane was growing up, no one in the family talked about uncomfortable feelings.  They also didn't talk about Jane's older brothers, Bob and John, who were drinking, getting into trouble at school, and getting arrested for disturbing the peace.

Jane's parents blamed their sons' schoolteachers, the principal, their neighbors, and the police, and they refused to acknowledge that their sons had problems.

Despite the trouble that their sons were getting into, they refused to acknowledge that there was anything wrong at home or that they could or should do anything about the problems.

Whenever other family members, like Jane's uncles and aunts, would try to point out to her parents their sons' problems were escalating, the parents made excuses and refused to believe it.

As a result, Jane learned to keep her feelings to herself and she also tended to ignore her brothers' problems, even if one or both of them came to the dinner table drunk.

After Jane's oldest brother, Bob, died in a car accident, her parents and John focused on suing the other driver, who was not hurt, and the police for "not doing their job."

But a toxicology report revealed that Bob, who was not wearing a seat belt, had twice the legal limit of alcohol in his system and he was the one who rammed into the other driver.

Jane's parents' denial was so strong that they refused to believe the toxicology report.  They wanted "someone to pay" for the loss of their son, but they couldn't find an attorney who was willing to take the case, so they gave up in frustration.

At that point, Jane was living on her own.  When she heard about the toxicology report, she had enough physical and psychological distance from her family to begin to realize just how much her parents and brother were in denial.

She also realized that she had been in denial all of her life about the dysfunctional nature of her family.

After Bob died, Jane tried to talk to John about his drinking, but he didn't want to hear it.  He dismissed her concerns and told her he could control his drinking at any time.

Jane's parents also became upset with her when they found out that she was trying to talk to John about his drinking.  They also refused to talk about Bob's death.

This resulted in a big argument between Jane and her parents and, even though she loved them, Jane decided to take a break from her family.

Jane knew she needed this time away from her family to grieve the loss of Bob and to think about what had been going on for her all of these years while she was living at home.

After Jane's best friend recommended that Jane get help, Jane started therapy.

Working in therapy, Jane soon discovered that, even though she was more willing than her parents and brother to deal with her feelings of loss and confusion, she was also fairly shutdown emotionally.
She realized that she had been numbing herself emotionally for years and there were times when she didn't know how she felt.

Working with Jane, I helped her to develop the necessary coping skills to deal with the feelings that she had been blocking for so long.

After we worked on coping strategies, I helped Jane to connect with her dissociated emotions by helping her to pay attention to what was going on in her body.

Gradually, she was able to identify her emotions based on what she was feeling physically in her body.

When Jane decided to reconnect with her family, against her better judgment, she told them over dinner that she was in therapy.  She hoped that they might consider going to therapy too.

John left the table abruptly knocking down his chair as he walked out of the house.  Jane's parents remained silent.

But later on, while Jane was washing the dishes, her father told her that he had always felt that, out of all of his three children, she was the one who was "too sensitive," and she needed to learn to "toughen up."  He also told her that he didn't "believe" in therapy.

When Jane tried to tell him that she thought he was in denial about Bob's and John's problems, her father was outraged and said he couldn't believe she was saying this to him.

Why Is It That It's Often the Healthiest Person in a Dysfunctional Family Who Goes to Therapy?

Jane's mother remained silent for a while.  Then, she told Jane that she knew something was wrong with Jane when Jane tried to tell them that Bob and John had problems.  She told Jane she couldn't understand why Jane would say this, and it indicated to her that Jane was the one who had the most problems in the family.

As she spoke, her mother's voice escalated until she was shouting.  She told Jane that she couldn't believe that Jane was giving money to "some quack" and saying negative things about the family in therapy.

At that point, Jane was angry and humiliated.  Once again, she took a break from her family because she realized how unhealthy it was for her to be around them at this point.

Even though she was in therapy, she was just at the beginning stage of therapy and she didn't feel that she had consolidated the gains she had made so far.  She needed time to work on herself without her family's criticism and distorted views.

During Jane's next session in therapy, she was able to process her emotions about her family's reactions to her being in therapy.  Even though it was painful to feel these feelings, she was still relieved to be able to feel them instead of pushing them down.

Over time, Jane felt more confident in herself and the gains she made in therapy.  Since she still loved her family and she didn't want to remain estranged from them, she worked in therapy on how she could have them in her life while taking care of herself at the same time.

Jane realized that she couldn't change her family and it was useless to try.  All she could really do was to change herself and try to accept them as they were.

At the same time, she didn't want to feel emotionally abused when she went to visit her parents, so when she called them, she set some boundaries with them:  She wouldn't try to convince them to change how they felt, and they would agree not to tell her that she was the one who had the most problems in the family.

Jane's parents and John missed her so they agreed to keep their feelings about Jane's therapy to themselves.  Jane knew there was no perfect solution and she was resigned that this was the best that they could do.  So, when she went for visits to see her parents and her brother, everyone, including Jane, kept to the agreement.

A few years later, Jane got a call from her mother and, in a somewhat awkward tone, her mother revealed that she had recently found out from a friend that she really admired that this friend had been helped in therapy.  She talked about how shocked and dismayed she had been at first to hear that her friend was in therapy.  But, over time, her friend was persuasive in convincing her that she had been helped in therapy.  And, her mother said, she had to admit that she saw positive changes in her friend.

Jane knew that this was her mother's way of apologizing to her, and she felt relieved that her mother was starting to become more open minded.

In the meantime, Jane felt that she benefited from grieving the loss of her brother and regaining a part of herself that she had lost during all of those years that she was pushing down her emotions.

It's Often the Healthiest Person in a Dysfunctional Family Who Goes to Therapy

She realized now that by numbing the uncomfortable feelings, she was also numbing all of her feelings, including any positive feelings.

Having worked through this issue in therapy for herself, she now had access to a range of emotions that she had been denying before, and she felt more alive than she had ever felt.

Focusing on Yourself Rather Than Trying to Change Your Family
It's a common experience that when someone from a dysfunctional family gets help in therapy, s/he wishes that the rest of her family would get help too.

Even though this longing often comes with the best of intentions, it often backfires in families that aren't ready to hear this.

Maintaining the status quo in the family often becomes paramount, even if it means pathologizing the healthiest member of the family.

Their rationale is often:  "If you're going for help, there must be something wrong with you" or that the family member who is going to therapy is being duped in some way by the therapist.

Another accusation that families make is that people who seek help in therapy are "weak" (see my article:  Common Myths About Psychotherapy: You're Weak If You Go to Therapy).

Although some families come around after a while, especially if they discover that someone that they admire outside of the family is attending therapy (as in the vignette above), many family members never change their minds in terms of identifying the person who is getting help as being the emotional "weak link" in the family.

Under those circumstances, usually, the best thing that you can for yourself is to focus on your own psychological development in therapy and not try to change your family.

As an adult, you might also want to consider whether you want to reveal that you're in therapy and, if you do, if you can deal with the potential criticism and hostility that might come from your family.

Only you can decide what's best for you, but many therapy clients learn a sense of self preservation under these circumstances and, in many circumstances, they learn to have a sense of compassion for their family members.

Getting Help in Therapy
If the vignette about Jane resonates with you, you could benefit from getting help from a licensed mental health professional who has experience dealing with this issue.  Although getting help might bring certain challenges with your family, the benefits, including leading a more fulfilling life, usually outweigh the challenges.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients who come from dysfunctional families to lead happier, more fulfilling lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.