Coping With Grief: It's Common For the Emotional Pain to Get Worse Before It Gets Better

Often, the grief you feel when you've lost someone close to you feels so overwhelming that you might wonder if you'll ever feel better.  Unfortunately, it's a common experience for the grief to get worse before it gets better.  But, with help from a professional mental health professional, you can work through the grief.

Coping With Grief

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and the Five Stages of Grief
Many people, who are experiencing grief, are somewhat familiar with Elisabeth Kubler-Ross's book On Death and Dying (1969) and her hypothesis that people go through five stages of grief:  denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.  Dr. Kubler-Ross never wrote that these stages were experienced in any particular sequence, but this is a common misunderstanding.

In fact, people often go through a combination of stages at the same time and they can cycle back and forth through these stages.  But this misunderstanding that the stages follow in a linear process has been the cause of a lot of confusion.  It has often been at the heart of people feeling that they are, somehow, "abnormal" if they're not going through the stages in a particular order, and especially if they start to feel worse.

The following vignette, which is a composite of many cases, illustrates the common experience of grief getting worse before it gets better and how grief can be worked through with help:

Jane
After a long battle with lymphoma, Jane's husband, Ray, died peacefully at home with the assistance of hospice care.  Jane and other family members were there as he passed away.

Initially, after his death, she was very busy with funeral arrangements and relatives who came from out of town.  Afterwards, there was plenty to do to take care of with insurance policies, thank you notes, and going through medical bills.

Coping With Grief

Shortly after Ray died, Jane felt that she and Ray had said what they needed to say to each other before he slipped into an unconscious state and then died.  But after everyone went home and she had taken care of paperwork and bills, she realized that she was only just beginning to grieve for her husband of 20 years.

Everyone told Jane that "time would heal all wounds."  After the first year, well-meaning friends were encouraging her to put Ray's death behind her and to start dating again.  Jane knew her friends meant well, but even the thought of seeing another man made her feel sick to her stomach.  She knew that none of her friends had ever lost a husband and they didn't understand what she was going through.

If anything, after a year, she was feeling worse.  It took about that long for her to fully realize what it meant that she would never see her husband again.  Until now, she understood this as a fact, a piece of information.  But now, she was beginning to understand it on an emotional level, and she wasn't sure how she would be able to cope with this.

Jane missed Ray terribly every day.  She often had dreams about him at night where he would come back to tell her that he wasn't really dead, and then he would disappear.  The dreams were so real that Jane would wake up not being sure if the dream was really a dream or if she had really seen Ray.

After a while, it got to the point where Jane preferred to go to sleep and dream about Ray than to be awake and live without him.  When she talked to her friends about it, everyone had a different opinion about it.  Some people told her that Ray was trying to contact her from "the other side."  Other people told her to forget about these dreams, "life was for the living"and she should "move on" with her life.

After Jane began to spend more and more time sleeping just to be able to feel she was having some contact with her husband, she realized that she couldn't go on with this.  She was starting to neglect herself by eating poorly and, in general, not taking care of herself as well as she normally would.

At that point, Jane sought the help of a therapist who specialized in helping clients to deal with grief and loss.  After she began therapy, Jane was relieved to hear that her experience was common.

Jane talked about her husband in her therapy sessions, and she felt free enough to cry in the sessions without feeling like she needed to "get over it," as her friends advised her.  She even brought in pictures of her husband and her, including their wedding pictures and other pictures at important stages of their life together.

After a while, Jane felt an emotional shift.  She still missed her husband, but she felt like he was with her wherever she went.  Her therapist helped her to understand that the emotional shift occurred because in their therapy work together Jane had internalized her husband on a deep level so, as Jane might say, "I feel I'm carrying him in my heart."

Gradually, Jane began to feel better.  Two years after her husband died, she was able to start dating.  She knew that no one would ever take Ray's place in her heart.   But she also realized that her heart was big enough for the possibility of someone new.

Complicated Grief
As I mentioned, Jane's experience is common among people who have had significant losses.

There are also people who experience what is called "complicated grief" where the loss feels as fresh years later as it did when it happened.  It's not just that they feel worse after a year or so.  It's that there is no relief from the anguish people feel about their loss even after years have passed.  People who experience complicated grief can benefit from seeking the help of a licensed mental health professional.

Getting Help in Therapy
If your grief feels like it's getting worse rather than better and you're having a hard time coping with it on your own, don't suffer alone.  You could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who has expertise in this area.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.
I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to work through their grief.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

New Relationships: Learning to Compromise About Time Spent Together

When two people fall in love and begin a new relationship, it's often a romantic and exhilarating time. Aside from the physical attraction, they usually have enough in common for them to want to be exclusive with each other.  But as they get to know each other, one thing that couples often discover about each other is that they have different feelings about how much time to spend together vs time apart.  If couples can't compromise about how much to spend time together, the relationship can quickly devolve into arguments and resentment.

Learning to Compromise About Time Spent Together

Spending Time Together vs Time Apart:  Learning to Communicate and Compromise

Obviously, there are no rules about how much time people in relationships "should" spend with each other.  So, there is no right or wrong.  But there needs to be honest communication and a compromise so the couple can work it out if they want to remain together.  But many couples struggle with this issue because they get stuck in a tug of war about it.  

Spending Time Together vs Time Apart:  Making Premature Assumptions Can Lead to Misunderstandings

People in this situation often make premature assumptions about what it means that their partners don't see eye-to-eye with them about how much time to spend together.

For example, the person, who wants to spend more time together, often feels hurt that his or her partner doesn't want to spend as much time together, assuming that the other person isn't as committed to the new relationship.  While there might be times when this is true, it might also mean that the person who wants to spend less time just needs more time to him or herself.  It could also mean that s/he wants to take things slowly.  

It could mean a lot of things--but that's the point:  Neither person can make assumptions about what it means and both people need to discuss this openly.

The following vignette, which is a composite of many cases, with all identifying information changed to preserve confidentiality, illustrates how this problem can be worked out:

Joan and Dan:

Joan and Dan were in their mid-40s when they met.  Both of them had been divorced for several years when they met at a mutual friend's party.  They hit it off immediately and began dating the same week. During the first two months, they saw each other a couple of times a week, which worked out for both of them.  Neither of them was dating anyone else, and they agreed to be exclusive with each other.  

By the third month, Dan told Joan that he was in love with with her, and Joan was elated because she felt the same way.  After that, Joan wanted to see Dan more often and she told him that she wanted them to spend all their weekends together.  

Dan wanted to spend some weekends together, but not the entire weekend all weekends.  Sometimes, he liked having part of the weekend to himself.  When he told Joan this, she interpreted it to mean that Dan wasn't as interested in her as she was in him.  She had spent several years by herself after her divorce, and now that she was in love again, she wanted to spend all of her free time with Dan.  

Joan really enjoyed Dan's company a lot, and she had assumed that he enjoyed being with her just as much.  But when he told her that he would want to have some time to himself on certain weekends, she felt deeply hurt and angry:  Why wouldn't he want to spend all of his free time with her?  She also felt ashamed of making herself so emotionally vulnerable to Dan only to get her feelings hurt.  When Dan told her how he felt, she hung up the phone and burst into tears.

Initially, Joan didn't take Dan's phone calls because she was angry.  This surprised Dan.  They'd never had a big argument until now and he didn't know what to make of it.  When Joan finally agreed to take his call a few days later, at first, she didn't want to talk about spending time on weekends together, but Dan insisted.  He realized that Joan was hurt because she misunderstood how he felt.  He suggested that they meet for dinner to talk about it.

When they sat down together at dinner, Joan had a hard time making eye contact with Dan.  She was still feeling hurt, angry, and ashamed.  Dan remained quiet, but handed Joan an envelope and said, "Open it."  At first, Joan was hesitant, but Dan gestured to her to go ahead and open it.  And when she did, Joan gasped--she saw two round trip tickets to Paris.  Dan explained that he didn't want Joan to think he didn't want to spend more time with her.  It was just that he felt he needed time for himself sometimes on weekends.

They spent the rest of the dinner talking excitedly about how they would spend their time in Paris, which would be the first time for both of them.  They also talked about how they could compromise on the issue of spending time together vs. spending time apart.  

They worked out that they would spend certain weekends at Dan's house, which was much larger than Joan's apartment so that when Dan felt he wanted some time to himself, he could spend time in his den or in the garden while Joan read or did whatever she wanted to do.  

This compromise worked out for both of them.  It allowed Dan to have some time to himself, and it allowed Joan to spend more time with Dan, even if he was in the garden or in another part of the house for part of the time.  Just knowing that he was nearby was enough for her during those times when he wanted time to himself.  They also had a great time in Paris.

Working Out a Compromise About Spending Time Together vs Time Apart

As I mentioned, this is a common problem that a lot of couples struggle with in their relationship, especially when the relationship is new and sometimes even in longstanding relationships.  

An important aspect of working it out is not to make assumptions about what it means if one of you feels differently than the other.   You might have different needs.  

Have an honest talk with your partner and see if you can work out a compromise that will satisfy both of you.  It's important that whatever you work out works for both of you because if one of you just gives, there's bound to be resentment and it won't work out.

Getting Help in Couples Counseling

Many couples can't work this out themselves.  Often, one or both people can't put aside their own feelings to try to understand where the other person is coming from.  

Also, each person's personal history in his or her family of origin can affect their being able to work it out.  If, for instance, the person who wants to spend less time together felt smothered in his or her family of origin, those feelings might get triggered in this situation, making it difficult to compromise.  Likewise, if the person who wants to spend more time together grew up in a family where he or she felt emotionally abandoned, these feelings could get triggered when the couple tries to work out a compromise.

If you find that you and your partner can't work out the time together vs. time apart issue on your own, you could benefit from seeing a couples counselor.  A skilled couples counselor can help you navigate through this potentially thorny issue.  A couples counselor can help each person to understand how his or her family background might be affecting their situation and how to differentiate what happened in childhood from the current situation.

If you're in a relationship with someone you love and this is an issue that is standing in your way, you both owe it to yourselves to try to work it out in couples counseling.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Feeling Entitled to Self Care

Stress is a normal part of everyday life.  As long as you're alive, there's no way to avoid experiencing stress.  Since you can't avoid stress, it's important to have effective ways to manage your stress before you become overwhelmed.  

Feeling Entitled to Self Care

To effectively manage stress, you have to find what works for you in terms of self care.  But in order to do this, you need to feel entitled to take care of yourself rather than focusing on others (more on this later). 

Tips For Stress Management and Self Care
Self care involves both taking care of yourself both physically, emotionally and, for many people, spiritually:

• Going for regular medical and dental checkups
• Eating nutritious meals
• Making sure you get enough sleep (usually 7-8 hours per night)
• Engaging in healthy physical activity, like going to the gym or to a gentle yoga class
• Having a way to quiet your mind, like in mindfulness meditation
• Writing down your thoughts in a personal journal
• Having a strong emotional support system among friends and family
• Taking breaks during the day at work
• Going on vacation to get away from your daily routine
• Going for walks
• Getting out into nature
• Listening to music
• Reading books you enjoy
• Taking a relaxing bath
• Learning to be tactfully assertive in terms of taking care of yourself, including learning to say "no"
• Taking time for yourself during the day 
• Finding meaning in life and a purpose larger than yourself

Feeling Entitled to Take Care of Yourself
Many people don't feel they're entitled to take care of themselves because they were raised to feel that they should put other people's concerns before their own.  When they try to engage in self care, they feel guilty and self indulgent, as if they should be doing something for someone else.

Often, when people don't feel entitled to self care, the underlying issue is "I don't feel good enough" or "I'm unlovable."  Most of the time, this isn't a conscious thought, but it's the self sabotaging thought that keeps them stuck.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you struggle with these feelings, you might need the help of a licensed mental health professional to resolve this issue.  The consequences of not taking care of yourself can be serious both physically and emotionally.

Aside from the many illnesses that can develop if stress overwhelms you and compromises your immune system, you're more likely to experience anxiety or depression at some point in your life.

Unfortunately, not feeling lovable, good enough or entitled to self care is a common problem.  So, if you feel this way, you're not alone.  But the good news is that there is effective treatment for this problem, and many people have successfully overcome feelings of inadequacy.

You can get help too.  I've included three professional websites below under "Resources" which include directories of therapists for clinical hypnosis, Somatic Experiencing and EMDR, three treatment modalities that I've found to be very effective in dealing with emotional trauma, including feeling of inadequacy.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at ((917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Are You Avoiding the Problems in Your Relationship?

Are you facing or avoiding the problems in your relationship?  Many couples avoid dealing with their problems for years, especially if it has to do with emotional and sexual intimacy.

Whether people face and deal with the problems in their relationship or try to avoid them is often affected by how they were raised to either deal or not deal with conflict.  For people raised in families where the attitude is that it's better "not to rock the boat," they're more likely to avoid acknowledging and dealing with problems.

Are You Facing or Avoiding Problems in Your Relationship?

Of course, just because you try to avoid dealing with problems in your relationship doesn't mean they just go away.  They often get worse.

The following vignette, which is a composite of many different cases with no identifying information revealed, is an example where, initially, a couple avoids dealing with their problems and, eventually, gets help:

Jack and Mary
Jack and Mary were married for over 25 years.  Their children were already grown and out of the home.  When they first met, they were very much in love and had a passionate sexual relationship.  But over the years, they spent less and less time with each other and they were no longer having sex.

Are You Avoiding the Problems in Your Relationship?

Both Jack and Mary were raised in families where people didn't talk about their feelings, so neither of them learned to talk about uncomfortable feelings.  When Jack was growing up, he knew that his father was deeply unhappy with the mother's drinking, but his father never said anything about it.  Even though his parents never fought, there was a lot of tension in the household.  Jack also learned not to complain.  He kept his feelings to himself.

When Mary was growing up, her mother always stressed that Mary needed to "put on a happy face," no matter what she was feeling.  This is what Mary's mother did, but at night, Mary heard her crying.

When a new colleague began flirting with Jack at work, although he was flattered, he had no intention of accepting her invitation for a drink.  But when he realized that, for the first time in years, he felt sexually attractive and desirable again, he knew there was a serious problem in his marriage.

Jack wanted to talk to Mary about their marriage and what he felt was missing--emotional and sexual intimacy.  But he felt very uncomfortable.  They were spending little time together.  Mary spent most of the weekend involved with volunteer activities and Jack would spend time in the den alone doing work.  At night, they went to bed at different times.  

Sometimes, Jack wanted to initiate sex, but he felt uncomfortable doing it.  He couldn't even remember when they last had sex.Each time that Jack said to himself that he would talk to Mary, he would have trouble even knowing how to even begin.  So, time passed, and he felt increasingly frustrated, unhappy with their marriage, and annoyed with himself.

Then, one day at an office Christmas party, his flirtatious colleague, who seemed to have one too many drinks, cornered Jack in the coat room as he was getting his coat to leave.  Without warning, she pulled him towards her and kissed him on the mouth.  Rather than pulling away, Jack responded by kissing her back.

When he realized what he was doing, he pulled away, made an excuse and quickly left the party feeling shaken by the experience.  As he was driving home, his thoughts were racing.  He knew he had to talk to his wife before he did something he regretted.  He also realized that he wanted love and passion back in his marriage.

When he got home, he found Mary getting ready for bed.  He hesitated for a moment.  Then, he stammered that he needed to talk.  Mary responded by turning away and asking him if it couldn't wait until tomorrow.  Jack sensed that Mary knew what he wanted to talk to her about, and she was putting him off.  So, he told her that it couldn't wait--they needed to talk now.

It was harder than Jack thought to get the words out.  As he told Mary that he felt their marriage was in trouble, he only looked up occasionally to look at her.  Mary kept her gaze on the floor, looking very uncomfortable and anxious.  But Mary acknowledged that she was also feeling that something was missing in their relationship for a long time.  They agreed to both think about it and talk again in a few days.  They went to bed together that night, and for the first time in years, they held each other.

They both wanted to salvage their marriage, but they didn't know how.  Within a week, they decided to get help in couples counseling.  They learned in couples counseling how their experiences with their families affected their ability to deal with uncomfortable feelings.  Over time, with a lot of effort, they worked towards rekindling the emotional closeness and sexual intimacy they once had.

Getting Help in Therapy 
Avoiding, rather than facing, the problems in your relationship often makes them worse as time goes on. There's no doubt that it can be awkward to address these issues with your spouse or romantic partner.  But you need to weigh this against the possibility that your relationship won't last if you don't deal with your problems.

A skilled therapist, who works with couples, can help you work through your problems.  She can also help you to learn how to communicate more effectively with each other so both of you are able to talk to each other about your feelings and you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Can You and Your Ex Transition From Being Lovers to Being Friends?

Many people attempt to remain friends with their exes, especially if the breakup of their relationship was mutually decided, amicable, and both people still care deeply for one another.  Sometimes this works out and other times, it doesn't.

Can You and Your Ex Transition From Being Lovers to Friends?

Tips for Transitioning From Being Lovers to Being Friends:

• Take Time Apart: Even when you and your ex both agree that you want to transition from being lovers to being friends, you will need time away from each other to allow for the change.  Even though neither of  you might still be in love, it takes time for feelings to subside and to mourn what once was.  You don't want any confusion or ambiguity about the transition. For most people, a period of at least six months without contact, is needed to make the transition.  For other people, depending upon the two people involved, you might need more time.

• Don't Have Sex With Your Ex: You and your ex might feel you can have the type of friendship that includes "friends with benefits" and that having occasional sex might not harm the friendship.  But this can be very confusing for one or both people.  There could easily be misunderstandings if sexual intimacy arouses romantic feelings.  This isn't to say that some people can do this and there's no confusion but, most people can't.  So, as tempting as it might be to have sex with your ex, especially if neither of you is having sex with anyone else, I recommend that you refrain from having sex with your ex.

• Don't Say "Let's be friends" With the Idea of Rekindling the Romance: This is a big mistake that many people make, either intentionally or unintentionally.  Be aware of what you want and what you don't want from your ex, and be honest about it.  Don't say you want to be friends as a ploy to rekindle the relationship.  Not only is this dishonest, it's also manipulative and it could ruin any chances for a real friendship with your ex.

• Pay Attention to How Your Friendship With Your Ex Affects Your New Relationship: If some time has passed and you're in a new relationship, you need to pay attention to how your friendship with your ex affects your new relationship.  Be upfront with your new lover about your friendship with your ex.  A lot of new lovers won't be comfortable with this, so you might need to make some difficult decisions.  But it's more likely to go smoothly if everyone meets so there's no mystery about who is the friend and who is the lover. Most people would feel uncomfortable with an ex and a new lover meeting, at first.  This is understandable.  But if you find yourself procrastinating about this or making excuses for not doing, you need to question your own motives about not making the introductions and helping everyone involved to be clear about who each person is to you:

• Are you trying to keep your options open by keeping your ex in the wings "just in case" your new relationship doesn't work out and you decide to try to rekindle your relationship with your ex?
• Are you more concerned about the possibility of hurting your ex's feelings than how your new lover will feel?  
• Are you, intentionally or unintentionally, triangulating between your ex and your new lover by keeping them separate?

• Make Your New Lover the Priority: You and your ex might have been together for a long time and, naturally, s/he would know you better than your new lover.  So, in some ways, you might feel more comfortable going to your ex, instead of your new lover when you have a problem.  But you need to make your new lover the priority if this new relationship is going to succeed. This means that you take the time to spend with your new lover and make the effort to develop your relationship rather than going to your ex first for help or emotional support. By the same token, your ex needs to learn to expand his or her emotional support system beyond you.  S/he was probably accustomed to relying on you during difficult times.  You can still be supportive of your ex, but when it starts interfering with your new relationship, you need to set some boundaries.  Frequent tearful calls at 3 AM (from your ex to you or you to your ex) aren't acceptable any more. Making your new lover the priority also means that you don't go flying to your ex whenever you and your new lover have an argument.  This is another way to triangulate and it will quickly lead to problems.  Another mistake that people often make, usually when they're angry, is to compare their new lover unfavorably to their ex, by saying to the new lover something along the lines of, "She never would have done that!"  That's often the death knell for the new relationship.

• Transitioning From Lovers to Friends...Tricky, But Not Impossible: Making the transition from being lovers to being friends with your ex can be tricky, but if you take time away from each other, you're clear and honest with your new lover and your ex, everyone is on the same page, and if you set clear boundaries, you might be able to make the transition.

Getting Help in Therapy
Transitioning from lovers to friends can be tricky and you could benefit from emotional support from a skilled psychotherapist.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Learn to Stop Criticizing Each Other

Sometimes, without even realizing it, people harp on the negative rather than the positive qualities they see in their spouse.  Being critical of each other becomes their habitual way of relating, which can ruin a relationship.

Relationships: Learn to Stop Criticizing Each Other 

A Brief Vignette Illustrating This Dynamic
I remember being at a dinner party several years ago when the hostess went on and on reciting a litany of criticisms about her husband, who was sitting, red-faced, next to her:  He wasn't handy in the house, he always forgot where he put his keys...on and on.

It was all done in a humorous way, as if she was teasing him but, after a while, everyone began to shift uneasily in their seats.  People sensed that underneath the humor was thinly veiled hostility.

After a while, when she paused to take a breath, her husband said with a tight smile, "Do  I can do anything right?"  There was a tense moment of silence when no one said anything.  Then, thankfully, someone changed the topic and we all breathed a sigh of relief.

Like so many people, the hostess seemed to be so accustomed to criticizing her husband that she had little awareness of how she was coming across at her own dinner party.

When Being Critical of Your Spouse Has Become a Habitual Way of Relating to Each Other
It can be so easy to fall into a pattern of being critical of your spouse until it becomes a habitual way of relating.

Often, when this occurs, there are deeper underlying issues in the relationship that aren't being dealt with by the couple.

Either the couple is unaware of these other issues or they are aware of them, but they're uncomfortable talking to each other about them.  Rather than addressing the more important issues, like a lack of sexual intimacy in the relationship, one or both people nitpick and criticize each other about other issues.

Learning How to Communicate With Each Other and Change This Dynamic
When I see people for couples counseling who have this dynamic, aside from helping them to become more aware of it, I also help them to remember what brought them together in the first place. I will ask them about the positive qualities that brought them together.

More often than not, they still admire these positive qualities, but they haven't been focusing on them (or even remembering them).

Of course, this doesn't mean that they shouldn't deal with the aspects of their relationship that each of them want to improve and the more complicated underlying issues.  They do, but they need to learn a better way of communicating with each other where it's not all critical, which can erode a relationship quickly.

Getting Help in Therapy
The good news is that it is possible to change a dynamic where one or both people in a relationship are being overly critical of each other.

Learn to Stop Criticizing Each Other: Getting Help

Many couples have learned to change this dynamic.  It takes work in couples counseling, especially if this has been the pattern for a while, but if both people are motivated to work on it, they can learn to change. And, in doing so, they're often able to salvage their relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many couples to learn to improve their communication with each other.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Are You Able to Celebrate Your Progress Along the Way to Meeting Your Goals?

Are you someone who has trouble giving yourself a pat on the back for the progress you've made?  Instead of celebrating the progress you've made so far, do you focus on how much more you have to go so you end up feeling dissatisfied with yourself no matter how much effort you've made?  

If this sounds like you, you're not alone.  A lot of people have trouble giving themselves credit for their well earned progress.

Are You Able to Celebrate Your Progress?

Long Term Goals Are Easier to Accomplish If You Celebrate the Progress Along the Way
When you're working on a long term goal, like getting a Bachelor's or Master's degree or any endeavor that can take a few years, it's easier to keep yourself motivated for the long haul if you're able to feel proud of what you accomplish along the way.

While it's important to be aware of the end result, if that becomes your complete focus, to the exclusion of the milestones along the way, it's easier to become discouraged because you're getting little satisfaction for your efforts.

People who have problems celebrating their progress are often very hard on themselves.  Many of them grew up in families where there were critical parents where nothing was ever good enough ("You only got an A?  Why didn't you get an A+").

Adults, who grew up in households where they weren't recognized for their efforts, have a hard time gauging what "progress" is, which is why they focus on the end goal rather than the steps they accomplish along the way.

Overcoming Shame and the Feeling of "Not Being Good Enough"
When children are only recognized by their parents for the end result, they internalize a lot of shame. With the shame comes the feeling of "not being good enough."

As adults, they often feel they have to prove themselves over and over again.  Only the end product counts, and it often needs to be "perfect."

Getting Help in Therapy
Life can be challenging enough without imposing such harsh standards on yourself.  If you're someone who has a hard time acknowledging your efforts along the particular path you have chosen, you can learn to overcome this problem in psychotherapy.

Celebrate Your Progress

A skilled clinician can help you to work through these issues so that you're free from this emotional burden.  Letting go of shame and a punitive attitude towards yourself can help you to lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.