Relationships: The Advantages of Developing a Relationship From Friends to Lovers

According to a study in the Social Psychology and Personality Science journal, relationships are more likely to develop when people are friends before they become lovers (see my article: Falling in Love With Your Best Friend).

Relationships: From Friends to Lovers

Prior to this study, research focused on relationships that developed due to an attraction between strangers. 

According to the researchers of this study, 68% of romantic relationships develop between friends.  The data was based on seven separate studies with 1,897 participants.

How to Start a Romance

The research (Stimson et al 2021) ranked how to start a romance from the best to the worst ways (1 being the best and 11 being the worst):

1. A friendship that turns romantic
2. Through mutual friends
3. At school or university
4. At a social gathering or a party
5. At a church or place or worship
6. At work
7. Through a family connection
8. At a bar or social connection
9. Online community or social media
10. Online dating service
11. A blind date

Why Are the Advantages to Being Friends First?

Being friends first provides an opportunity to build a strong foundation of trust and understanding as well as:

• Exploring compatibility

• Exploring shared interests

• Reducing the pressure of the initial dating stage

• Developing a comfort and ease with each other

Relationships: From Friends to Lovers

• Being able to see each other's true personalities without the pressure of dating

• Assessing trustworthiness and loyalty

• Providing an opportunity for a deeper connection rather than basing a connection only on a superficial physical attraction

• Providing a better opportunity to explore each other's personalities, habits, values and communication styles which can lead to a more satisfying and potentially longer lasting relationship

• Developing emotional support

• Providing an opportunity for fun and laughter without the pressure of dating (see my article: The Power of Humor and Laughter in a Relationship)

How Long Should You Be Friends With Someone Before Dating?

The length of time will vary depending upon the two people involved.

What is essential is establishing a strong foundation of trust, understanding and emotional connection.  

How Can You Tell If a Friendship is Transitioning to a Romance?

Typical signs include:

• Increased emotional intimacy
• Flirtation and chemistry between you
• Spending more time together
• Physical affection
• Discussing future plans together

What Are the Potential Pitfalls of Transitioning From Friendship to Romance?

Potential pitfalls include:

• Fear of losing the friendship if the romance doesn't work out
• Changing expectations
• Navigating new boundaries
• Dealing with unresolved problems from prior relationships

Conclusion

Developing a friendship first provides an opportunity to get to know each other better before starting a relationship.

Relationships: From Friends From Lovers

Although there are potential pitfalls, friendship first allows you both to explore each other's trustworthiness, loyalty, values, communication styles as well as a chance to develop a deeper connection that goes beyond a superficial physical attraction.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experiencing helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Can You and Your Ex Transition From Being Lovers to Being Friends?

Many people attempt to remain friends with their exes, especially if the breakup of their relationship was mutually decided, amicable, and both people still care deeply for one another.  Sometimes this works out and other times, it doesn't.

Can You and Your Ex Transition From Being Lovers to Friends?

Tips for Transitioning From Being Lovers to Being Friends:

• Take Time Apart: Even when you and your ex both agree that you want to transition from being lovers to being friends, you will need time away from each other to allow for the change.  Even though neither of  you might still be in love, it takes time for feelings to subside and to mourn what once was.  You don't want any confusion or ambiguity about the transition. For most people, a period of at least six months without contact, is needed to make the transition.  For other people, depending upon the two people involved, you might need more time.

• Don't Have Sex With Your Ex: You and your ex might feel you can have the type of friendship that includes "friends with benefits" and that having occasional sex might not harm the friendship.  But this can be very confusing for one or both people.  There could easily be misunderstandings if sexual intimacy arouses romantic feelings.  This isn't to say that some people can do this and there's no confusion but, most people can't.  So, as tempting as it might be to have sex with your ex, especially if neither of you is having sex with anyone else, I recommend that you refrain from having sex with your ex.

• Don't Say "Let's be friends" With the Idea of Rekindling the Romance: This is a big mistake that many people make, either intentionally or unintentionally.  Be aware of what you want and what you don't want from your ex, and be honest about it.  Don't say you want to be friends as a ploy to rekindle the relationship.  Not only is this dishonest, it's also manipulative and it could ruin any chances for a real friendship with your ex.

• Pay Attention to How Your Friendship With Your Ex Affects Your New Relationship: If some time has passed and you're in a new relationship, you need to pay attention to how your friendship with your ex affects your new relationship.  Be upfront with your new lover about your friendship with your ex.  A lot of new lovers won't be comfortable with this, so you might need to make some difficult decisions.  But it's more likely to go smoothly if everyone meets so there's no mystery about who is the friend and who is the lover. Most people would feel uncomfortable with an ex and a new lover meeting, at first.  This is understandable.  But if you find yourself procrastinating about this or making excuses for not doing, you need to question your own motives about not making the introductions and helping everyone involved to be clear about who each person is to you:

• Are you trying to keep your options open by keeping your ex in the wings "just in case" your new relationship doesn't work out and you decide to try to rekindle your relationship with your ex?
• Are you more concerned about the possibility of hurting your ex's feelings than how your new lover will feel?  
• Are you, intentionally or unintentionally, triangulating between your ex and your new lover by keeping them separate?

• Make Your New Lover the Priority: You and your ex might have been together for a long time and, naturally, s/he would know you better than your new lover.  So, in some ways, you might feel more comfortable going to your ex, instead of your new lover when you have a problem.  But you need to make your new lover the priority if this new relationship is going to succeed. This means that you take the time to spend with your new lover and make the effort to develop your relationship rather than going to your ex first for help or emotional support. By the same token, your ex needs to learn to expand his or her emotional support system beyond you.  S/he was probably accustomed to relying on you during difficult times.  You can still be supportive of your ex, but when it starts interfering with your new relationship, you need to set some boundaries.  Frequent tearful calls at 3 AM (from your ex to you or you to your ex) aren't acceptable any more. Making your new lover the priority also means that you don't go flying to your ex whenever you and your new lover have an argument.  This is another way to triangulate and it will quickly lead to problems.  Another mistake that people often make, usually when they're angry, is to compare their new lover unfavorably to their ex, by saying to the new lover something along the lines of, "She never would have done that!"  That's often the death knell for the new relationship.

• Transitioning From Lovers to Friends...Tricky, But Not Impossible: Making the transition from being lovers to being friends with your ex can be tricky, but if you take time away from each other, you're clear and honest with your new lover and your ex, everyone is on the same page, and if you set clear boundaries, you might be able to make the transition.

Getting Help in Therapy
Transitioning from lovers to friends can be tricky and you could benefit from emotional support from a skilled psychotherapist.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.