Relationships: The Advantages of Developing a Relationship From Friends to Lovers

According to a study in the Social Psychology and Personality Science journal, relationships are more likely to develop when people are friends before they become lovers (see my article: Falling in Love With Your Best Friend).

Relationships: From Friends to Lovers

Prior to this study, research focused on relationships that developed due to an attraction between strangers. 

According to the researchers of this study, 68% of romantic relationships develop between friends.  The data was based on seven separate studies with 1,897 participants.

How to Start a Romance

The research (Stimson et al 2021) ranked how to start a romance from the best to the worst ways (1 being the best and 11 being the worst):

1. A friendship that turns romantic
2. Through mutual friends
3. At school or university
4. At a social gathering or a party
5. At a church or place or worship
6. At work
7. Through a family connection
8. At a bar or social connection
9. Online community or social media
10. Online dating service
11. A blind date

Why Are the Advantages to Being Friends First?

Being friends first provides an opportunity to build a strong foundation of trust and understanding as well as:

• Exploring compatibility

• Exploring shared interests

• Reducing the pressure of the initial dating stage

• Developing a comfort and ease with each other

Relationships: From Friends to Lovers

• Being able to see each other's true personalities without the pressure of dating

• Assessing trustworthiness and loyalty

• Providing an opportunity for a deeper connection rather than basing a connection only on a superficial physical attraction

• Providing a better opportunity to explore each other's personalities, habits, values and communication styles which can lead to a more satisfying and potentially longer lasting relationship

• Developing emotional support

• Providing an opportunity for fun and laughter without the pressure of dating (see my article: The Power of Humor and Laughter in a Relationship)

How Long Should You Be Friends With Someone Before Dating?

The length of time will vary depending upon the two people involved.

What is essential is establishing a strong foundation of trust, understanding and emotional connection.  

How Can You Tell If a Friendship is Transitioning to a Romance?

Typical signs include:

• Increased emotional intimacy
• Flirtation and chemistry between you
• Spending more time together
• Physical affection
• Discussing future plans together

What Are the Potential Pitfalls of Transitioning From Friendship to Romance?

Potential pitfalls include:

• Fear of losing the friendship if the romance doesn't work out
• Changing expectations
• Navigating new boundaries
• Dealing with unresolved problems from prior relationships

Conclusion

Developing a friendship first provides an opportunity to get to know each other better before starting a relationship.

Relationships: From Friends From Lovers

Although there are potential pitfalls, friendship first allows you both to explore each other's trustworthiness, loyalty, values, communication styles as well as a chance to develop a deeper connection that goes beyond a superficial physical attraction.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experiencing helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

A New Relationship: Understanding the Loyalty Dilemma for Someone Whose Spouse Died

In today's Sunday New York Times Modern Love section, there's an article by Eve Pell about her relationship with her husband (see link below).  One of the things that she mentions is that when they were dating, her then-boyfriend was hesitant about making a commitment to their relationship because he still felt loyal to his deceased wife, who had died several years before.

Understanding the Emotional Dilemma For Someone Whose Spouse Died
Reading this article brought to mind how common this experience is.  Rather than getting competitive with a deceased spouse, Ms. Pell, who sounds like a wise woman, understood her boyfriend's emotional dilemma and let him know.

Understanding the Loyalty Dilemma for Someone Whose Spouse Died

Instead of feeling like his love for his deceased spouse meant more to him than his love for her, she spoke to him about it with a lot of empathy.  She acknowledged that she understood, respected his feelings for his former spouse, and reframed the issue as there being enough room in his heart for both of them.  According to Ms. Pell, her boyfriend appreciated this and, eventually, they got married.

Working Through the Loss of a Deceased Spouse
There are times when people haven't worked through the loss of a deceased spouse and it keeps them stuck.  Each situation is different.  But reading Ms. Pell's article reminded me of how conflicted a person can feel with a new love, especially when the former relationship ended because of a death.

People, who are widowed, who are still in love with their deceased spouse, often feel that it's an act of disloyalty to begin a relationship with someone new.  Their spouse might be gone, but their feelings are still very much alive.  They might feel confused and not know how to reconcile the fact that they can fall in love with someone new while still loving their former spouse.  If the new love gets jealous and makes emotional demands too soon, it can create an even bigger conflict and ruin an otherwise good new relationship.

Reframing the Love and Loyalty Dilemma
Like Ms. Pell, it's often better to take an empathetic step back, try to understand your romantic partner's emotional dilemma and talk to him about it.  When the dilemma is reframed as there being room for both the deceased spouse and the new partner, it can reduce a lot of tension and offer options that your partner might not have seen before.  Your partner doesn't need to completely bury his feelings for his deceased spouse, which wouldn't be possible anyway.  It's really not an either/or question.  He can still honor the feelings he feels for her and make room for you.

Some people, who have lost a spouse, never get over it, and they're unable to make a commitment to a new relationship.  For other people, this issue works itself out with understanding on both sides.  Sometimes, the person who is widowed needs help in individual therapy to work it out.  Other times, it helps for both people to come into couples counseling to negotiate this problem.

Either way, I found Ms. Pell's approach to this common dilemma to be a mature and refreshing approach.  Thank you, Ms. Pell, for a heart warming article.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

To find out  more about me, visit my web site:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.


The Race Grows Sweeter Near Its Final Lap--Modern Love, NY Times by Eve Pell (1/27/13)