What Are the Telltale Signs of a Serial Cheater?

Serial cheaters are often hard to identify and even harder to avoid.  During the early stage of a monogamous relationship, they might be charming, caring, and attentive.  But as time goes on and the relationship moves beyond that early passionate stage, known as the limerence stage, serial cheaters often reveal their true colors (see my article: Telltale Signs You're in a Relationship With a Womanizer).

Telltale Signs of a Serial Cheater

What is a Serial Cheater?

Serial cheaters often have the following characteristics:

• Numerous Infidelities in the Past: People who have cheated in past are more likely to cheat again in their current relationship. This isn't someone who makes a mistake while they're drunk during a business trip away from home.  This is someone who consistently cheats on their partner when there's an explicit agreement to be faithful. They might even talk about their previous infidelities and give many reasons why they felt justified in cheating. The more they justify their history of cheating, the more likely they'll cheat again (see my articles: Understanding the Emotional Dynamics of Men Who Are Players and Coping With Infidelity).

• A Fear of Commitment: A fear of commitment might be rooted in prior traumatic experiences in relationships, especially experiences that occurred early on.  This doesn't mean that cheating is justified or should be condoned. Knowing the root of the problem is a way to understand how someone might have become a serial cheater.

• A Pattern of Blaming Their Previous Partners: Another way that serial cheaters justify in their own minds and to others why they cheated is by blaming their former partners.  Often, you'll hear them say, "She drove me crazy" or "He was too difficult to get along with so I started cheating." Objectively, none of these reasons justifies cheating, but it might help to ease a serial cheater's guilt and shame (assuming they feel guilt and healthy shame), and they can use these justifications to convince you it was justified or, at least, understandable. But don't fall for it.

Telltale Signs of a Serial Cheater

• A Tendency to Be Secretive With Their Phones: Whether this involves refusing to give their partner access to their phones (or computers) or other ways they try to keep their technology private, serial cheaters can go to great lengths to safeguard their privacy so you don't find out they're cheating.  They might cover their phones in front of you, leave the room to take phone calls, text someone else while they think you're not paying attention or try to hide incoming phone calls or texts.  If you ask them about this, they might become defensive and annoyed (see my article: Coping With Secrets and Lies in Your Relationship).

• Promises to Change: People do change. But serial cheaters often don't. They often make grand gestures about how they're "different" now that they're in a relationship with you.  And while this might be the case, you would be wise to exercise healthy skepticism until you can be sure.

• Projections and Distractions: Serial cheaters often accuse their faithful partner of cheating as a way to project their own behavior onto the partner and distract the partner from finding out about their own cheating. 

• A Pattern of Avoidance and Procrastination: Serial cheaters often don't talk about a long term future with you.  They might make many excuses for why they don't want to talk about taking the next step in the relationship, but the real reason is usually they don't want a long term committed relationship--at the same time that they might be telling you that they do.

Telltale Signs of a Serial Cheater

• Flirtatious Behavior With Others: Serial cheaters often flirt with many other people--sometimes even in front of you.  They might compliment other people, touch them or laugh with them.  If you confront them about this behavior, they'll often say, "I was just being friendly" and accuse you of being "too jealous."

• A Pattern of Lying: Serial cheaters tend to lie a lot.  Lying helps them to try to fool and manipulate you (if you allow it).  If you've caught your partner in lies before, chances are they'll lie again, especially if they try to defend their behavior. Lies include lies of omission where they conveniently leave out certain details like where they were or who they were with to hide that they're cheating.

• A Tendency to Hop From One Relationship to the Next: Serial cheaters tend to prefer superficial relationships, including no strings attached relationships or Friends With Benefits.  When they get tired of a relationship, they tend to leave that one and easily move on to the next one.

• A Pattern of Inconsistency and Lack of Reliability: If you're with a serial cheater, they might be juggling multiple relationships that you don't know about.  As a result, you might get frequent cancellations at the last minute or they're chronically late because they've scheduled a few other romantic or sexual partners into their schedule.

Conclusion

It takes a while to get to know a romantic partner.  

The telltale signs of a serial cheater aren't always easily detected during the early stage of a relationship.  When the relationship is still new and exciting, they might not cheat.  But once the new relationship energy has worn off and they become bored, they often find it difficult not to give into the impulse to cheat.

While it's true that people do change, serial cheaters often don't change.  

If you try to focus your energy on changing them, you'll most likely be disappointed.  So, focus on taking care of yourself.

Also, if you're the one who has problems with cheating, see my article: How to Stop Cheating and Repair Your Relationship.

Getting Help in Therapy

Recovering from infidelity can be very challenging.  Not only is it emotionally painful, but it can also erode your self esteem and your health.

After you have ended a relationship with a serial cheater, the experience of that relationship can make it difficult for you to trust other potential partners in the future.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional to work through feelings of pain and betrayal so you can regain a healthy sense of self.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What is a Healthy Sexual Relationship?

In their book, Rekindling Desire, Barry and Emily McCarthy address issues related to the low-sex or no sex couple (no sex couples are defined as couples who have sex less than 10 times per year).

Sexual Boredom

Essential Components of Healthy Sexuality

I'll address the issue of low and no sex couples in future articles.  

First, let's start with the McCarthy's definition of healthy sexuality:

• Healthy sexuality includes more than just genitals, intercourse and orgasm. It also includes positive sexual attitudes, behaviors, emotions, experiences, perceptions and values

• Sex is a natural and healthy component in an individual person's life as well as in a relationship.  Healthy sexuality does not include shame or negative feelings.

• Healthy sexuality also means feeling good about your body, yourself as a sexual being and sex in a relationship.

• Giving and receiving pleasure is an integral part of healthy sexuality.

• Expressing your sexuality as a positive aspect of your life as well as in your relationship is also an essential part of healthy sexuality.

The 4 Dimensions of Healthy Sexuality in a Relationship

The McCarthys also define four dimensions of healthy sexuality in a relationship, including:

• Desire: Desire includes a positive anticipation for sex and a feeling that you deserve good sex as an individual and in a relationship (see my article: A Cornerstone of Eroticism: Longing and Anticipation).

• Pleasure: Pleasure includes an openness and a responsivity to both sensual and sexual touch.

A Healthy Sexual Relationship

• Eroticism: Sexual arousal and vitality are part of eroticism.

• Satisfaction: Sexual satisfaction includes feeling good about yourself as a sexual individual and as part of a relationship if you're part of a couple.

Establishing Realistic Sexual Expectations 

Sex is complex and variable.

Even though movies, TV programs, social media and books often portray couples sexuality as including intense desire, quick arousal, great sex and simultaneous orgasms, couples  in real life experience sex with much more complexity and variability.

Few individuals are in the mood for sex every time their partner is in the mood, and sex isn't always a powerful, passionate experience--especially if the couple has been together for a few years and the strong chemistry related to new relationship energy (NRE) has dissipated.

So, if couples compare themselves to what they see in the movies or on TV, they often come away feeling like there's something wrong with them or one or both of them is deficient in some way.  

But the reality is that intense sexual passion is part of the early stage of a relationship, which is referred to the limerence stage, and then it wanes anywhere from 6 months to 2 years.  If all is going well in the relationship, the limerence phase is replaced by a more mature kind of love and sexuality.

According to the McCarthys, less than half of loving couples experience frequent powerful desire, arousal and orgasm.  It's not unusual for sex to be good for one person and not for the other so that sexual satisfaction is often asynchronous.  

Relationships With Sexual Desire Discrepancy

Sexual desire discrepancy is a common problem in relationships as I discussed in my articles:

What is Sexual Desire Discrepancy?

How to Deal With Sexual Desire Discrepancy

Sexual desire discrepancy is such a common problem that it's one of the most frequently discussed topics when couples seek help in sex therapy. 

See my articles: 

What is Sex Therapy? 

What Are the Most Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy.  

There is no physical exam, nudity or sex during sex therapy sessions (see my article: Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy).

Fear and shame often keep people from getting the help they need.  However, if you're having sexual problems as an individual or a couple, the sooner you get help in sex therapy, the more likely you'll be able to resolve your problems.

A skilled sex therapist can help you by assessing your problems and providing you with sexual interventions that you can work on at home, including bibliotherapy and sexual assignments between sessions.

Instead of avoiding the problem, seek help in sex therapy so you can have a more fulfilling sex life.

About Me

I am a New York City licensed psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What is the Connection Between Attachment Styles and Sexual Satisfaction?

In Dr. Emily Nagoski's book, Come As You Are, she discusses the connection between attachment styles and sexual satisfaction (see my article: Understanding the Impact of Early Attachment on Adult Relationships).

How Attachment Styles Develop Early in Life

Your attachment style is developed early in life with your primary caregiver (usually a mother). Attachment styles are broadly divided into secure and insecure attachment, and 50-60% of people develop secure attachment early in life.

Early Attachment Between Mother and Baby

People who develop a secure attachment style early in life might not have received "perfect" caregiving (nothing is perfect), but it was good enough to help them to grow up to be securely attached individuals.

Everyone else, who didn't develop a secure attachment style, is somewhere on the insecure attachment spectrum between anxious and avoidant attachment (see my articles: How an Avoidant Attachment Style Can Affect Your Sex Life and How an Anxious Attachment Style Can Affect Your Sex Life).

There is also an attachment style called disorganized attachment which is a combination of anxious and avoidant due to early experiences with highly inconsistent caregiving.  But for our purposes, I'll simplify this discussion by focusing on anxious and avoidant attachment.

Before I go further, I'd like to emphasize that if you have an insecure attachment style (either anxious or avoidant), you're not doomed to live with it for the rest of your life.  You can develop a secure attachment style by working on your early attachment wounds in therapy or over time by getting into a healthy relationship with someone who has a secure attachment style. 

Attachment Styles in Relationships

Attachment styles developed early in life have an impact on adult relationships and sexual well-being.  

Based on Dr. Nagoski's book, let's compare attachment styles in relationships in terms of emotional vulnerability, emotional security and an ability to allow a partner to meet emotional needs (see my articles:  Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Greater Intimacy in a Relationship and Fear of Emotional Vulnerability).

Comfort With Showing Emotional Vulnerability:
Secure Attachment:       "I'm comfortable sharing my thoughts and feelings with my partner."

Anxious Attachment:    "If I share my thoughts and feelings with my partner, I'm afraid I'll lose my partner's love."

Avoidant Attachment:    "I prefer not to share my deepest emotions with my partner."

Feeling Emotionally Secure in a Relationship:

Secure Attachment:        "I hardly ever worry about my partner leaving me."

Anxious Attachment:     "I tend to worry that my partner will leave me."

Avoidant Attachment:    "I have a hard time relying emotionally on a romantic partner."

Ability to Turn to a Partner to Get Emotional Needs Met:

Secure Attachment:       "I feel comfortable turning to my partner in times of need."

Anxious Attachment:    "I worry I care more about my partner than they care about me."

Avoidant Attachment:    "I prefer not to get too close to a romantic partner."

Secure Attachment Style and Sexual Satisfaction

According to Dr. Nagoski, a 2012 sex research study revealed that people with secure attachment styles tend to have a healthier and a more satisfying sex life.

Secure Attachment and Sexual Satisfaction

In addition they tend to have:

• More positive feelings about sex
• More frequent sex
• Better experiences with sexual arousal and more frequent orgasms
• Better communication with their partner about sex
• The ability to give and receive sexual consent
• The ability to practice safer sex (such as using contraceptives)
• The ability to enjoy sex more
• The ability to be attentive to their partner's needs
• The ability to comfortably link sex and love
• The ability to have sex in a loving committed relationship
• More sexual self confidence (see my article: What is Sexual Self Esteem?)

Insecure/Anxious Attachment Style and Sexual Satisfaction

Compared to people with a secure attachment style, people with an anxious attachment style tend to have more anxiety-driven sex with their partner through solace sex, which is an emotionally unhealthy way to have sex and can make sex less satisfying (see my article: Anxious Attachment and Solace Sex to understand the concept of solace sex).  

Anxious Attachment and Sexual Satisfaction

In addition, they tend to: 

• Worry about sex
• Equate the quality of their sex life with the quality of the relationship
• Be more likely to experience pain during sexual intercourse (referring to women)
• Be more likely to experience erectile dysfunction (referring to men)
• Be less likely to practice safe sex (use of condoms)
• Be more likely to abuse alcohol or drugs before sex
• Have more sexually transmitted infections and unwanted pregnancies
• Be more likely to get involved in coercive relationships where they are emotionally, physically and/or sexually abused or bullied

Insecure/Avoidant Attachment Style and Sexual Satisfaction

Compared to people with a secure attachment style, people with an avoidant attachment style tend to have less satisfying sexual relationships.

Avoidant Attachment and Sexual Satisfaction

They tend to:

• Begin having sex later in life
• Have less frequent sex with less non-penetrative sex (e.g., oral sex)
• Have positive attitudes about casual sex outside a committed relationship so they have more one-night stands
• Be more likely to have sex just to fit in with social expectations rather than because they really want to have sex
• Experience sex as less connected to their personal lives and relationships

Conclusion

Overall, people with a secure attachment style tend to experience more relationship and sexual satisfaction.

In order to have more sexually satisfying relationships and overall sexual well-being, people with insecure attachment styles (whether it is anxious or avoidant) need to work on overcoming their early emotional attachment wounds so they can develop a secure attachment style.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy (see my articles: What is Sex Therapy?).

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

There is no physical exam, no nudity or sex during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are the Most Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?)

As I mentioned earlier, people who have an insecure attachment style, whether it's anxious or avoidant, can learn to develop a secure attachment style by working on their unresolved emotional attachment wounds in therapy (see my article: Developing a Secure Attachment Style: What is Earned Secure Attachment?).

You deserve to be in a fulfilling relationship with good sex.

If you would like to improve the quality of your relationship and sexual-welling, seek help from a skilled sex therapist who is also a trauma therapist.  

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

As a sex positive trauma and sex therapist, I have helped many clients to have better relationships and improve their overall sexual well-being (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

          

Understanding Your Sexual Arousal Type: What Happens When Both Partners Experience Responsive Sexual Arousal?

I've been focusing on sexual arousal types in prior articles and the issues that come up when two people have different arousal types (see my article: Understanding Why You and Your Partner Might Experience Differences in Sexual Arousal).

Understanding Your Sexual Arousal Type

See my articles about:

Spontaneous Sexual Arousal

Responsive Sexual Arousal

Reviewing Spontaneous and Responsive Arousal Types

There are two different types of arousal: spontaneous and responsive sexual arousal.  

There is a shorthand way of distinguishing the two arousal types: 

• Spontaneous Arousal: People with spontaneous arousal get mentally turned on at the drop of a hat by just thinking about sex and then get physically turned on immediately afterwards. 

• Responsive Arousal: People with responsive sexual arousal often need more time to get turned on. They usually need to start having sex to gradually get physically turned on and then they get mentally turned on after they are physically aroused.

Both arousal types are normal.  

Neither is better than or worse than the other.  They're just different.

What Happens When Two People Both Experience Responsive Sexual Arousal?

In the current article, I'm focusing on potential issues involved with people who both have the same arousal type: responsive arousal.

Although everyone is different, when two partners both experience spontaneous sexual arousal, it's often the case that all they need to do is think about sex and they're both ready to have sex.

However, when two people are both responsive sexual arousal types, they each might wait for the other person to initiate sex since neither of them is turned on by just thinking about sex. 

This usually means it takes more time for them to get started or they might not get started at all. Weeks, months or years can pass without sex.  This is especially true after the new relationship energy (NRE) period (when dopamine and oxytocin create sexual passion) subsides (see my previous article for a more in-depth description of the responsive arousal type).

Clinical Vignettes: A Relationship With Two People Who Have Responsive Sexual Arousal

The following clinical vignette which, as always is a composite of many cases, illustrates the challenges faced by a couple where both people have a responsive sexual arousal type. It also illustrates how sex therapy can help a couple to revive their sex life.

Cara and Jane

Cara and Jane, who were both in their mid-30s, met at a Lesbian Pride party and they were instantly attracted to each other.  

Both Partners Experience Responsive Arousal

Sex was passionate and pleasurable for both of them at first during the first few months, and they couldn't keep their hands off each other.  They often had sex several times a day during weekends when they spent a lot of time together.

Six months into their relationship, they both noticed they were less interested in sex.  Whereas they were having sex almost every day when they first met, now they were hardly having sex at all.  They also both waited for the other one to initiate sex, which meant that neither of them initiated sex.

They were still in love with each other, but sex felt a lot less compelling than it did when they first met.  They were both concerned about this, but they didn't know what to do about it. 

By the time they were together for two years, they hadn't had sex in several months. So, Jane talked to Cara about opening up their relationship (see my article: What is Consensual Nonmonogamy?).

But Cara feared that they might never get their sex life back if they got involved with other people, so she told Jane that she didn't want to open up their relationship.  She suggested that they attend sex therapy instead to get help (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

They learned in sex therapy that the initial stage of most relationships is a time when people experience new relationship energy (NRE) where dopamine and oxytocin fuel erotic passion.  But after that initial stage, the erotic passion usually cools off somewhat.

While they were attending sex therapy, they also learned that they both experienced responsive sexual arousal and that rather than waiting to "get in the mood," if they wanted to revive their sex life together, they would need to intentionally start having sex in order to get in the mood.

Their sex therapist gave them homework assignments to practice together at home between sex therapy sessions. The assignments included Sensate Focus (sensuously touching each other without having oral or penetrative sex) as well solo sex (masturbation) practices to understand what got them each turned on as individuals.

Once they understood that they needed to get themselves in the mood by starting sexual activities in order to get in the mood for sex and by taking turns initiating, they resolved their problem.

Conclusion

Although the clinical vignette is about two lesbians, responsive sexual arousal can occur between any two people regardless of gender or sexual orientation.

Understanding Your Sexual Arousal Type

The problem for most partners who both have responsive sexual arousal is neither of them are thinking about sex and each person waits for the other to initiate sex once the erotic energy involved with new relationship energy subsides.

Many people with the responsive sexual arousal type are too ashamed to talk to each other about sex--let alone seek help.  So, this often means that they might not have sex for months or years.  At that point, each person might assume that the relationship is doomed and they might end it.

One of the reasons why I write these articles is to provide sex education so people in these situations will know that there's nothing wrong with them.  They just need to learn how to interact sexually to revive their sex life (see my article: Changing Your Sex Script).

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy.  There is no physical exam, nudity or sex during therapy sessions (see my article: What Are the Most Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

If you and your partner have lost the sexual spark you both experienced during the early stage of your relationship, seek help in sex therapy.

A skilled sex therapist can help you to explore your sexual arousal type and assist you to change a sex script that's not working for you.

Getting help sooner rather than later is often the key to reviving a passionate sex life.

About Me

I am a New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

Understanding Your Sexual Arousal Type: Responsive Sexual Arousal

This is the second part of a series about sexual arousal types.  The prior article was Understanding Your Sexual Arousal Type: Spontaneous Arousal.   

Understanding Responsive Sexual Arousal

As I mentioned in my prior article, both spontaneous and responsive sexual arousal are normal.  But since spontaneous sexual arousal is most often portrayed in movies and TV programs, many people believe that responsive arousal is abnormal.  This includes people who often come to sex therapy believing they have either low libido or there's something else wrong with them.

As a result, responsive sexual arousal is usually misunderstood, so it's worth spending some time to discuss it here.

One caveat: For a variety of reasons, sexual arousal type isn't always constant.  It can change over time in different contexts, with age, with different people and during different phases of a relationship.  

Characteristics of People with Responsive Sexual Arousal

If you're unsure as to whether you experience spontaneous or responsive sexual arousal, you can take a look at the characteristics of the spontaneous type in the prior article and compare it to the characteristics described below for the responsive type and see which one resonates with you.

The responsive type tends to experience sexual arousal:

• As a reaction to a sexual stimulus

• Within an erotic context

• By experiencing a willingness to have sex with a partner  

A willingness to have sex means starting to have sex before experiencing sexual arousal and then experiencing sexual arousal as a result of getting sexually involved (see my article: For People With a Responsive Sexual Arousal Type, a Willingness to Have Sex is Often Enough to Get Sexually Aroused - Part 1 and Part 2).  

It's important to note that a willingness to have sex doesn't mean that someone is forcing themselves to have nonconsensual sex. 

Instead, a willingness to have sex means that people with responsive arousal know that they'll get sexually turned on eventually as a result of engaging in consensual sex, including kissing, cuddling or whatever gets them turned on. 

This is different from the spontaneous arousal type where arousal often begins with thinking about sex which leads to getting physically turned on.  

For the responsive arousal type, they need to experience it physically first before they get mentally turned on.  This is why starting sexual activities on a physical level eventually gets them turned on mentally.

It's not unusual for people with the responsive type to recognize during or even after sex that they got turned on.  So they might reflect to themselves after sex, "This was good. I enjoyed this.  We should do this more often."

Relationships Where People Have Different Sexual Arousal Types

It's very common for people in a relationship to have different sexual arousal types.  One person might have a spontaneous type and the other might have a responsive type (see the prior article for clinical vignettes illustrating these differences).

A discrepancy in arousal type is one of the most common reasons why people seek help in sex therapy (see my articles: What is Sex Therapy? and What Are the Most Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

The person who unknowingly experiences responsive arousal often thinks that they have low libido or no libido, especially when they compare themselves to their partner with spontaneous arousal.  

But responsive arousal isn't low libido.  It's just a different way of getting sexually turned on.  So, when people with responsive arousal realize this, they're often relieved.  Then, they can focus on what to do sexually so they and their partners both get turned on.

Clinical Vignette: Understanding Responsive Sexual Arousal

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases to protect confidentiality, illustrates how sex therapy can help a couple where they believe one of them has low libido when, in fact, she really has responsive sexual arousal.

Anna

When Anna began sex therapy, she told her sex therapist she felt discouraged about her so-called "low libido" and she worried about the effect this was having on her two year relationship with Mick.  

She told her sex therapist that when she and Mick first got together, they had a passionate sex life.  She remembered that just the anticipation of seeing each other was enough to get them both sexually excited.

But after the first six months, although Mick continued to be enthusiastic about having sex, Anna's sexual interest waned for reasons she didn't understand.

She told her therapist that she often rejected Mick's sexual advances because she "just wasn't in the mood."  She didn't understand what happened and told her therapist, "I feel broken."

As part of the sex therapy assessment, her sex therapist explored Anna's family, relationship and sexual histories in detail over the next few sessions.  

The sex therapist explained sexual arousal types, including spontaneous and responsive types, and she emphasized that both types are normal.  

She told Anna that she wasn't broken--she just experienced arousal in a different way after the initial excitement related to the early stage of the relationship.  

She explained to Anna that the early stage of a relationship usually includes new relationship energy (NRE) where people feel a rush of dopamine and oxytocin, but NRE wears off anywhere from a few months to a few years.  

After NRE subsides, she explained, the initial excitement subsides and it becomes evident that one person might have a responsive type of sexual arousal, which seemed to be the case with Anna.

Based on Anna's sexual history, the sex therapist evaluated that Anna did not have low libido.  She told Anna that responsive sexual arousal often gets mistaken for low libido.  Then, she suggested, since Anna didn't have a sexual problem, that Anna invite Mick to join her in sex therapy sessions so they could work on their different experiences of arousal together as a couple.

Working together in sex therapy, Anna and Mick learned how they each experienced sexual arousal as individuals and what they needed to do to have good sex together (see my article: What is Good Sex?).

As part of their sex therapy, they explored their sexual memories of being together when they first started seeing each other.  One thing they both agreed upon was that during the early days the anticipation of knowing they would be sexual was a powerful aphrodisiac for both of them (see my article: A Cornerstone of Eroticism: Longing and Anticipation).

They also learned about their particular sex script as a couple and what changes they could make so sex would be more pleasurable for both of them (see my article: Relationships: Understanding Your Sex Script).

Their sex therapist provided them with psychoeducation about emotional aphrodisiacs and helped them to increase the erotic energy between them by building longing and anticipation into their sexual activities.  

One way they accomplished this was they planned to have sex at least a few days in advance.

At first, Anna and Mick thought that planning to have sex would be unsexy.  This was because they were both stuck on the idea that hot sex should happen spontaneously and effortlessly like the way they saw it portrayed on TV and in movies.  But they soon learned that planning to have sex could be very sexy.  

During the days before they planned to have sex, each of them allowed themselves to have sexual fantasies about what they wanted to do sexually.  

They also learned how to be sexually playful with each other leading up to the day they planned to have sex by sending sexy texts messages to each other and playfully teasing each other in other ways.  This helped to build sexual tension, longing and anticipation for each of them.

Understanding Responsive Sexual Arousal

Anna and Mick became aware that if they both slowed down and spent more time engaging in foreplay, sex was more pleasurable for both of them (see my article: Rethinking Foreplay as More Than Just a Prelude to Intercourse).

By the end of sex therapy, Anna no longer felt broken. Both she and Mick developed a better understanding of spontaneous and responsive sexual arousal and what they each needed to get turned on, so sex became exciting again for both of them.

Conclusion

Everyone is different when it comes to how they experience sexual arousal.

It's not unusual for each person in a relationship to experience discrepancies in sexual arousal, but if each person understands what the other needs to feel sexually aroused, these discrepancies can be worked out in sex therapy.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is for individual adults and people in relationships.

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy. It doesn't involve any nudity, physical exams or sex during sessions (see my article: What Are the Most Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Many people feel uncomfortable talking about sex even with their partners, and sex therapy can people to get comfortable so they can communicate about sex more effectively (see my article: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2).

A skilled sex therapist can also help you to discover your sexual arousal type as well as your sex script so you can make changes to have a more satisfying sex life.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek from a skilled sex therapist.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during regular business hours or email me.

Understanding Your Sexual Arousal Type: Spontaneous Sexual Arousal

In my prior article, Understanding Why You and Your Partner Might Experience Differences in Sexual Arousal: Spontaneous and Responsive Sexual Arousal, I began a discussion about the differences between spontaneous and responsive sexual arousal.  

Understanding Your Sexual Arousal Type

I also discussed that differences in how people experience sexual arousal is a common problem for couples and often leads to the demise of the relationship if the couple doesn't get help in sex therapy.

In this article, I'm focusing on spontaneous sexual arousal in more detail, and I'll discuss responsive arousal in detail in my next article.

Characteristics of People With Spontaneous Sexual Arousal

If you're not sure which sexual arousal type you are, see if the characteristics listed below resonate with you and then read the upcoming article article on responsive arousal to see if you identify with those characteristics (I'll post a link at the end of this article when I've written this second article).

According to sex educator and author, Dr. Emily Nagoski, who wrote Come As You Are, 75% of men and 15% of women experience spontaneous sexual arousal and both types are normal.

The following general characteristics describe many individuals with spontaneous sexual arousal:

• Sex is very important to them.

• They're curious about sex and thinking about sex most of the time regardless of the circumstances and context.

• They love any opportunity to talk about sex and if the opportunity doesn't naturally arise, they might create an opportunity.

• They're very aware of their bodies, especially when they're sexually turned on.

• Their body is easily and spontaneously aroused sexually for no apparent reason.

• They're often ready for sex at any moment. 

• They have frequent sexual fantasies.

• They're often frequent masturbators.

• They often use sex, either solo sex (masturbation) or partnered sex, as a way to relieve stress and anxiety.

• They often exude sexual energy--it's like sexual energy is coming out of their pores and others are often aware of it and can get turned on by it.

• They're more likely to be the sexual initiator.  If they don't actually initiate sex, they give off flirty vibes and let the other person know, sometimes subtly and sometimes boldly, that they're sexually turned on and open to having sex.

• They're often willing to have sex anywhere and anytime without any particular external sexual stimulation or sexual initiation from the other person.  If they're particularly turned on, this might mean that they have car sex or other types of public place (parks, movies, dark corners in museums and so on).

• For women: Spontaneous sexual arousal often includes the following characteristics:

• Nipples are hard (often visible for women with large nipples)
• Genitals become wet
• Clitoris, in particular, is engorged with blood, erect and becomes more sensitive
• Body temperature rises
• Blood pressure might rise 
• Breath is often deeper
• Skin tone might become flush
• Licking or biting lips

• For men: Spontaneous sexual arousal for men often includes many of the same characteristics that women experience, and in addition:

• A focus on their penis
• Penis can get hard and erect fairly easily when aroused and for no apparent reason
• Physical contact including touching the other person's arm, shoulder, back or leg or pressing their leg against the other person if they're seated
• Voice often becomes deeper
• Awareness of the other person's body, which they're checking out
• Complimentary to someone they're turned on by
• Sit with their legs spread when they're with someone they're aroused by
• Try to get physically close to the other person

Clinical Vignettes

The following clinical vignettes, which are composites to protect confidentiality, are about people of the same and different arousal types:

Scenario 1: Ken and Jill: 

Two People With Spontaneous Sexual Arousal

When Ken and Jill met at a mutual friend's party, they were sexually attracted to one another instantly.  Ken noticed Jill's sexy vibe and he was instantly drawn to her.  He was also aware of his sexual response to her and to her body.

Jill was also aware that she was sexually turned on by Ken immediately and she was already having sexual fantasies about what she and Ken could be doing sexually later on that night.  She noticed that when they sat down on the couch, Ken sat close to her so that his leg was touching and slightly pressing hers, and she felt tingles all over her body.  

By the end of the night, they were back at Jill's place having passionate sex.  

Scenario 2: John and Ann: 

One Person With Spontaneous Arousal and One Person With Responsive Sexual Arousal

John and Ann met on a dating app. When they met for their first date, John was immediately drawn to Ann sexually.  He could barely listen to what she was saying because he was so turned on.  Although Ann liked John, she wasn't sexually turned on. 

After three dates, Ann had mixed feelings about inviting John up to her apartment, but she invited him with the understanding that she wanted to "take things slowly." Although he was a little disappointed, John agreed.  

After settling on the couch, John initiated a kiss and Ann responded.  Although she enjoyed kissing John, her mind was preoccupied with thoughts about an interview she had the following day, so she told John she needed to end the date early.  Once again, John was disappointed, but he liked Ann and he decided to give things a chance between them.  

For their next date, John arranged for a candlelight dinner at a quiet and romantic restaurant and Ann was pleasantly surprised. By then, she had gotten the job offer and she was no longer stressed about that.  

When they went up to John's apartment, John was very turned on, and Ann wasn't turned on at that point.  But when they kissed, Ann became aware that she felt a sexual attraction for John and they had sex that night.

Discussion About the Two Scenarios

In Scenario 1, both people experienced spontaneous sexual arousal.  They were both aware they were turned on by each other, so they were both ready to have sex.

In Scenario 2, John experienced spontaneous sexual arousal and Ann experienced responsive arousal. For people who experience responsive arousal, context is important.  

Since Ann was preoccupied with thoughts about her upcoming interview, the context wasn't right for her with regard to feeling sexually aroused.

Stress and anxiety can get in the way of sexual arousal for anyone, but this is especially true for people with responsive arousal.  

When John chose a restaurant that had a quiet, calm and romantic environment, he helped to create the right context for Ann, who was also no longer anxious and stressed about her interview.  

Kissing at John's apartment also helped Ann to get sexually aroused (prior to that she wasn't sexually aroused).  

Since she experienced responsive sexual arousal, kissing (or any type of sexual activity) was important to help her to get in the mood.  

If these two people continued to see each other, they both would need to be aware of the other person's sexual arousal type with John slowing down to give Ann a chance to get turned on and Ann being willing to start sex (kissing, touching) in order to get turned on.

As I will discuss in my next article, people with responsive sexual arousal often need the context to be conducive to sexual arousal, and they often don't feel sexually aroused until they begin having sex. 

In this case, I'm using the word "sex" in a broad sense--not just sexual intercourse--to include kissing, touching and other forms of sexual activity that occur before intercourse. 

Next Article: Understanding Your Sexual Arousal Type: Spontaneous Sexual Arousal

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Since 75% of men and only 15% of women experience spontaneous sexual arousal, discrepancies are obviously common in heterosexual relationships.

A discrepancy in arousal type can get worked through in a relationship if each person understands their own and their partner's arousal type and if they're willing to work on it in sex therapy.

Couples therapists, who aren't trained in sex therapy, often don't know how to help clients with different arousal types.  Often, they focus on helping the clients to improve their communication and work on things that will bring them closer together emotionally.  This can work for some couples, but it doesn't always help others because there are many couples who have great relationships outside of the bedroom, including great communication, but their sex life either isn't good or it's nonexistent.

A skilled sex therapist can help couples understand and work with their sexual arousal discrepancy so that they are more sexually attuned to each other and they can have more satisfying sex (see my articles: What is Sex Therapy? and What Are the Most Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy.  There is no physical exam, nudity or touching between the client(s) and the sex therapist (see my article: What Are the Most Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a sex therapist who is knowledgeable about sexual arousal types and who has helped couples to overcome problems with discrepant sexual arousal.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.