Learning to Become More Emotionally Responsive to Your Partner in EFT Couple Therapy

Couples often feel frustrated by recurring negative cycles in their relationship.  Even couples who really love each other and want to be there for each other get stuck in these negative cycles (see my article:  What is Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFT)?)

Learning to Become More Emotionally Responsive to Your Partner in EFT Couple Therapy

Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples provides couples with an opportunity to identify their negative cycles and, with the help of an EFT-trained couple therapist, learn how to restructure their interactions with each other (see my articles:  EFT Couple Therapy: Working Together to Overcome the Negative Pattern in Your Relationship).

Emotional responsiveness is an essential part of a loving relationship.  But a common problem in many relationships is that each individual in the relationship has a different concept of what being emotionally responsive means, and this is one of the problems that can perpetuate a negative cycle.

Fictional Vignette: Learning to Become Emotionally Responsive to Your Partner in EFT Couple Therapy:
The following fictional vignette is typical of the dynamic that often occurs in couples when there are problems with emotional responsiveness.  Even though this vignette is presented with the woman and man having particular dynamics, these dynamics can occur with either a man or a woman.  In addition, these dynamics also occur in same-sex relationships.

Sam and Nina
Several months into their relationship, Sam asked Nina to move in with him.  Although she loved Sam and she knew he loved her, Nina told him that she was hesitant to take the relationship to the next level because she felt he wasn't as emotionally responsive to her as she would like him to be.

At first, Sam was surprised to hear Nina say this and he asked her to give him examples of when this occurred.  Nina gave Sam several examples of when she needed his emotional support and, instead of being emotionally present with her, Sam overlooked how upset she was and gave her suggestions on how to "fix" the problem.

Sam listened carefully as Nina spoke, but he couldn't understand why Nina thought he wasn't being emotionally supportive by recommending ways to "fix" her problem.

Nina tried to explain to Sam that she wasn't looking for him to "fix" her problems, which included longstanding complex problems with her parents.  Instead, she just wanted him to listen and be emotionally present with her as she talked to him about these problems.

No matter how Nina tried to explain what she felt she needed from Sam emotionally, he remained confused.  By the end of their discussion, Nina felt frustrated that Sam didn't understand, and Sam felt irritated that Nina couldn't see that if she used some of his suggestions, she wouldn't have these problems anymore, "Isn't it better to have a solution?"

When Nina told Sam that she thought this problem between them was significant enough for them to go to couple therapy, he told her that he thought she was making things unnecessarily complicated between them and he didn't see why they needed to go to couple therapy.

But as the weeks passed and they were both feeling emotionally distant from each other, and Nina expressed doubts about the relationship, Sam told Nina, reluctantly, that he would agree to go to couple therapy to try to work things out between them.

Since Nina's friend told her that she and her spouse had a very good experience in Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples (EFT), Nina sought an EFT couple therapist.

Initially, Sam was sure that the EFT couple therapist would take Nina's side and blame him for their problems, especially since the therapist was a woman.  But he was surprised that the therapist was evenhanded with each of them and she understood and was able to reflect back Sam's and Nina's individual points of view about their problems together with empathy.

Nina and Sam were both pleased that the EFT couple therapist was able to help them to identify the negative cycle where they got stuck as a couple.

Specifically, the therapist assessed that when Nina told Sam that she wasn't getting what she needed from him, Sam felt criticized and blamed, which caused him to withdraw from Nina.  And when Sam withdrew from Nina, she became angry and frustrated and she would become more strident in her efforts to try to get Sam to understand (see my article: What Happens During Stage One of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFT)?.

Nina's reaction, in turn, caused Sam to withdraw even further, and the negative cycle went on and on (see my articles: How EFT Couple Therapy Helps "Pursuers" to Become Aware of Primary Emotions to Improve Their Relationship and How EFT Couple Therapy Helps "Distancers" to Become Aware of Primary Emotions to Improve Their Relationship).

Both Nina and Sam agreed that this was their negative cycle.  Sam asked the therapist, "It's great that we know what our negative cycle is, but how do we fix it?"  Hearing him say this, Nina rolled her eyes in anger and frustration and turned to the therapist, "You see?  This is what I have to deal with.  Right away, he wants to know how to 'fix' it" instead of trying to get a deeper understanding of it."

When Sam saw Nina roll her eyes, he folded his arms defensively and slumped in his chair.  It took several more sessions for Nina to stop criticizing Sam and for Sam to understand that therapy, including couple therapy, is a process.  She told them that she felt confident that they would eventually both learn to be more emotionally responsive to one another.

When Nina got to the point where she understood in couple therapy that Sam genuinely wanted to be emotionally responsive to her and improve their relationship and, at the same time, his earlier family experiences were an obstacle for him, Nina became much more open and compassionate towards Sam.

When Sam experienced Nina as more open and compassionate towards him, Sam was more willing to see how Nina's family background had a negative impact on her in their relationship.  He also became much more patient with the couple therapy process.

They both came to understand that an intellectual understanding of their relationship dynamic was not enough and to achieve the changes that they each wanted, the shift would have to occur on an emotional level.

With the help of their EFT couple therapist, Sam and Nina began to restructure their dynamics in their couple therapy sessions by allowing themselves to be emotionally vulnerable with each other to say what they each needed (see my article: What Happens During Stage One of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFT)?).

At first, when they learned to do this in their couple therapy sessions, they thought they were done with therapy.  But, as their EFT couple therapist told them, they discovered that, at that point, it was difficult to do this on their own without the help of their therapist.  They needed a lot more practice in their sessions to begin to have success on their own.

Like most dynamics in therapy, Nina and Sam found out that their individual progress in couple therapy was often two steps forward and one step back.  But over time, they each became more comfortable being emotionally responsive to each other when they were on their own.

Sam learned how to listen to Nina in an emotionally present and responsive way.  Most of the time, he was no longer focused on "fixing" things between them.  And Nina learned to stop criticizing and blaming Sam when he occasionally slipped up and reverted back to trying to "fix" the problem.

They both learned that, even though they were bound to make mistakes with each other, as everyone does, the most important thing was that they knew how to turn towards each other (rather than away) to emotionally repair their interactions with one another.

Conclusion
In every couple, each person brings a family history that impacts how s/he relates in an adult romantic relationship.

Having compassion and empathy for one another and being willing to change a negative cycle is key to a successful relationship (see my article: EFT Couple Counseling: New Bonds of Love Can Replace a Negative Cycle in Your Relationship).

Learning to Become More Emotionally Responsive to Your Partner in EFT Couple Therapy

How each person in a relationship defines and thinks about being emotionally responsive might be different.

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples is a well-researched, powerful tool to help couples to learn to recognize their negative cycle and change it with the help of the EFT couple therapist.

The EFT couple therapist helps the couple to learn new ways of interacting in their sessions so that, eventually, they can interact in a more emotionally responsive way with each other when they're on their own--instead of remaining stuck in a negative cycle.

Getting Help in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) Couple Therapy
Rather than struggling on your own, you and your partner could benefit from Emotionally Focused Therapy so that you can have a more loving and emotionally satisfying relationship.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and Emotionally Focused therapist for couples.

I have worked with individuals and couples for over 20 years.

I work with heterosexual, lesbian, gay, transgender and queer couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Overcoming Your Discomfort With Asking For Emotional Support

There is a Swedish proverb that says, "Shared joy is double joy; shared sorrow is half a sorrow."  This proverb reminds us that we're hardwired for attachment with others, including sharing our joy and sorrow with people who are close to us, and that joy and sorrow are affected in a positive way by the emotional support that we receive (see my article: Overcoming Your Fear of Asking For Help).

Overcoming Your Discomfort With Asking For Emotional Support

Sharing joy is usually easier for most people than sharing sorrow.  Many people think that if they share their sadness, they will be judged critically by others.

Often, this is because they were judged harshly in their family of origin, and they received the message from an early age that no one wants to hear about their sadness.

As a result, they learn to pretend to be happy when they're not, they keep their sadness to themselves and don't receive the emotional support that they need (see my article: How to Stop Pretending to Be Happy When You're Not).

Clinical Vignette: Feeling Uncomfortable Sharing Sadness With Loved Ones
The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information omitted, illustrates how difficult it can be to share sadness as an adult when, as a child, someone is told that he isn't entitled to feel sad:

Tom
After going through a series of significant losses, including the breakup of a relationship and the loss of a close friend who moved away, Tom decided to start therapy because he felt overwhelmed by sadness, which he didn't understand.

After his psychotherapist heard from Tom about his losses and normalized his sadness, Tom told her that he still couldn't understand why he felt so sad.  He told her that he knew several other people who were going through more difficult problems than he was, and he felt it was "selfish" to feel sad, "Why should I feel sad when so many other people have it much worse than I do?"

Since she had a lot of experience working with clients who didn't think they were entitled to feel sadness, his psychotherapist asked Tom to tell her how his parents handled his sadness when he was a child.

Tom responded, "I stopped trying to get comfort from my parents when I was sad after my father told me when I was five that he would give me something to really feel sad about if I didn't stop saying that I was feeling sad" (see my article: Growing Up Feeling Invisible and Emotionally Invalidated).

Tom explained to his therapist that both of his parents had been through many serious hardships when they were children and they grew up to be "stoic" people ("They didn't believe in feeling sad.  They just believed that, rather than dwelling on your sadness, you needed to do whatever you could to resolve your problems, and that was the end of it").

When his therapist asked Tom if he sought emotional support from his close friends when he was feeling down, he said that it would never occur to him to talk about his sadness--except in therapy--and even then, he usually looked for "a solution" rather than dwelling on his sadness in therapy.

As he thought about it, Tom said that his girlfriend ended their relationship because she didn't like that he couldn't express his sadness to her.  He said that she told him that it bothered her that, after three years, he still wasn't comfortable confiding in her when he was sad.  She also said that it made her feel uncomfortable to share her own sadness, so she ended the relationship.

Before coming to therapy, Tom told his therapist, he tried to "find solutions" to overcome his sadness, but nothing worked, and this confused him.

In response, his therapist provided Tom with psychoeducation about why it's important to share emotions, including sadness, with people who are part of his emotional support system (see my article: Emotional Support From Your Family of Choice).

Over time, Tom was able to see that he held himself to a much harsher standard than he did for his close friends.  He had no problems listening to his friends when they were sad, but he didn't feel entitled going to them with his sadness.

He began to understand in therapy that his experiences with his parents affected how he related to friends and romantic partners.  He also began to see that he felt much more emotionally vulnerable sharing his sadness with loved ones.

Gradually, Tom learned to allow himself to be more emotionally vulnerable with his close friends. Several months later, when he entered into a new relationship, he began to open up more to express his sadness so that he would be more emotionally authentic with his girlfriend.

As he received positive feedback and emotional support from his friends and girlfriend, Tom felt more comfortable opening up more to express the sadness that he never felt entitled to before.

He also realized that when he shared his sorrow with people close to him, he had such a sense of relief because his sadness diminished as he shared it.

Conclusion
Early childhood emotional experiences often affect adult relationships.

If a child receives a message from his parents over and over again that expressing sadness isn't acceptable, this child will grow up to be an adult that has problems expressing sadness.

Since emotional support is important for our overall well-being, when someone has problems expressing sadness, he doesn't experience the emotional relief that comes with getting emotional support.

Getting Help in Therapy
Being unable to express certain emotions, like sadness, is more common than most people think.

Well meaning parents, who have problems feeling their own sadness, can unwittingly create emotional problems for their children by not allowing them to express their full range of emotions.

Most experienced psychotherapists, especially trauma therapists, have experience helping clients to overcome feelings that they're not entitled to express certain emotions.

Working through this problem is usually a big relief for most clients because it allows them to ask for and receive emotional support from loved ones when they need it.

If you're having problems asking for emotional support, you could benefit from working with an experienced psychotherapist, who can help you to overcome this problem.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

One of my specialties is helping clients to overcome trauma so they can feel and express their full range of emotions.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Working Through Painful Emotions in Therapy

People often start therapy because they can no longer cope with painful emotions related to the past or to current events in their life.  In many cases, initially people avoid dealing with painful emotions for a period of time because they hope that these emotions will go away on their own over time.  But as I mentioned in a prior article, time often doesn't heal all wounds (see my article: Time Doesn't Heal All Wounds).

Working Through Painful Emotions in Therapy

So, when people see that they can no longer bury these emotions and that, in fact, these emotions are having an adverse impact on their life, they decide to come to therapy.

As I mentioned in an earlier article, it's common for most people to feel some degree of anxiety and ambivalence as they anticipate the start of therapy (see my article: Starting Therapy: It's Not Unusual to Feel Anxious or Ambivalent).

Often, people are afraid that they will feel overwhelmed in therapy by the painful emotions that they tried to avoid for so long.  However, psychotherapists who are trained to work with emotional trauma usually know how to titrate the work so that it isn't overwhelming for the client.  In addition, they are usually trained to help the client to de-escalate emotions so that these emotions are more manageable, as opposed to being overwhelming.

Most trauma therapists also prepare clients beforehand to deal with painful emotions that come up, so that they can usually manage their emotions between sessions.

Of course, this doesn't mean that working on a traumatic history will be completely pain free.  But once they begin therapy with a trauma therapist, most clients notice that, in addition to working on trauma in a titrated way, most emotions come in wave patterns with a beginning, middle and end within the same session.  So, the experience usually isn't unrelenting pain.

Also, many trauma therapists will include time to debrief to make sure that clients are feel relatively put together to face the world outside the therapy room after the session is over.  So, even though clients might anticipate that whole sessions will be intolerably painful, they are often surprised to discover that the sessions aren't as painful as they originally anticipated.

Part of the problem for many clients is that they remember what they felt when they were going through the traumatic event and they think they will feel the same way again.  But this usually isn't the case, especially in the case of unresolved childhood trauma.

One of the reasons for this is that, as adults, most people have a greater emotional capacity to deal with difficult emotions as compared to when they were children.

Also, when they're working on unresolved trauma, they are doing it in the presence of a therapist who is empathetic and trained to help the client to maintain dual awareness, which means that while clients are remembering the past, they are also aware that they aren't still in the past--they know that they're sitting with a skilled therapist in the present.  So, the past, even if it's the recent past, usually isn't experienced as being as disturbing as when the trauma originally occurred.

Clients will often comment that working through painful emotions in therapy is a relief because a heavy burden has been lifted from them.  They also begin to notice over time that they are gradually feeling better, experiencing themselves in a new way, and interacting with their loved ones and their environment in a better way.

Many clients have remarked in our sessions that if they had known that dealing with unresolved trauma wasn't as painful as they anticipated, they would have come to therapy much sooner rather than avoiding these issues.

Getting Help in Therapy
While it's understandable that no one wants to feel the pain related to unresolved trauma, these emotions rarely, if ever, resolve on their own and, in fact, these emotions often manifest in other ways, including in physical symptoms.

Working through painful emotions in therapy is a healing process, and healing helps to restore you to your true self (see my article: Becoming Your True Self).

If you have been avoiding dealing with a traumatic issue, you could benefit from working with an experienced trauma therapist.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, Somatic Experiencing, AEDP and Emotionally Focused therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I specialize in working with trauma.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How to Stop Jumping to Conclusions and Personalizing Other People's Behavior

One of the most challenging lessons to learn in life is to not jump to conclusions and personalize other people's behavior, which is the topic of this article (see my article: How Psychotherapy Helps You to Understand and Change Distorted Thinking).

Stop Personalizing Other People's Behavior

Why Do We Jump to Conclusions and Personalize Other People's Behavior?
When people feel rejected, criticized or neglected in some way, they often feel insecure or anxious and this can trigger other earlier traumatic experiences that made them feel the same way.

Most people won't recognize that their earlier experiences are getting triggered and assume that what they're feeling has to do exclusively with the current situation.

Other people have difficulty distinguishing their feelings from objective facts (see my article: Discovering That Your Feelings Aren't Facts).

How to Keep Yourself From Personalizing Other People's Behavior
It's so easy to jump to conclusions about what's going on with someone else and what it means about you.

But before you personalize someone else's behavior that feels hurtful to you, it's important to stop your thoughts from getting ahead of you so that you don't distort the situation and project your insecurities onto the situation.

It's also important to consider that whatever this person did (or didn't do) might have nothing to do with you.

Fictional Clinical Vignette:  Learning Not to Take Other People's Behavior Personally
The following fictional clinical vignette illustrates how personalizing someone else's behavior represents distorted thinking and how to handle this type of situation better:

Ann
After being broken up for over a year, Ann decided to contact her former boyfriend, Alex, after she heard from mutual friends that he was having some medical problems.

On the one hand, just the thought of contacting Alex was enough to make Ann feel anxious and insecure with regard to how Alex would respond to her.  But on the other hand, she knew Alex was kind to her and, when she could be objective about it, she thought he probably would respond well, especially since they were on relatively good terms when she broke up with him.

After she left a message on his voicemail, she waited to hear back from him.  But after several days went by, she began to think that Alex might be angry with her after all, and he might not want to talk to her.

When she checked with a mutual friend, Ann found out that Alex had recuperated, he was doing relatively well, and he was back to work again.  This only fueled even more of Ann's insecurity and anxiety.

As each day passed, Ann became even more convinced that she had made a mistake by leaving a message for Alex.  She felt ashamed about reaching out to him. Her thoughts veered to earlier situations when she felt rejected and ashamed, including times when her father pushed her away as a child when she tried to hug him when he came home from work.

After two weeks had passed, Ann confided in her close friend, Rina, that she was feeling ashamed and angry that Alex hadn't returned her call.  Rina, who knew Alex, told Ann that there was probably a good reason why Alex wasn't calling.  She said she doubted that Alex was angry with her, and she advised Ann not to personalize Alex's lack of response.

By the third week, Alex called Ann and apologized profusely for not getting back to her sooner.  He told her that he had lost his phone with all his personal contacts, and he had only recently found it.  He said he really appreciated hearing from her and he was feeling much better.

Conclusion
Jumping to conclusions and personalizing other people's behavior is a common problem for many people, especially people who have an early traumatic history of being neglected or abused.  When people are triggered, it can be difficult to distinguish the current issue from the past.

It helps to develop the ability to stop your thoughts, which might be distorted, and question the conclusions that you've jumped to about the other person and the situation.

Being patient and getting more information is also helpful so that you don't automatically feel anxious or insecure when, in fact, the other person's behavior might have nothing to do with you.

This applies to personal situations as well as work-related situations (e.g., where a supervisor might seem angry with you but, in fact, is angry because of personal problems).

Getting Help in Therapy
If you find that you have a tendency to personalize other people's behavior due to your own early history, you could benefit from seeing a skilled psychotherapist who can help you to make distinctions between the past and the present and also assist you to work through your early traumatic history.

Getting help in therapy for this issue can help you to have a more fulfilling and meaningful life without the distorted thoughts that can cause so much angst.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, Somatic Experiencing and Emotionally Focused therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

The Psychotherapist's Role in Holding Open the Possibility for the Client's Transformation

Aside from creating a holding environment where the client feels safe and comfortable with the therapist and the therapeutic process, an experiential therapist also holds open the possibility for the client's transformation.

Transformation

What Does It Mean For the Therapist to Hold Open the Possibility for the Client's Transformation?
Many clients come to therapy feeling doubtful and pessimistic about making positive changes.  There is obviously a part of them that hopes they can change, but there is often a bigger part of them that fears they won't change and they'll be exactly where they started before they began therapy.

A skilled experiential therapist creates a space first in her own mind and then intersubjectively between the client and the therapist for the possibility of positive change--and not just any change but a transformation that makes a significant difference for the client (see my article: Psychotherapy: An Intersubjective Experience Between the Client and the Psychotherapist and A Psychotherapist's Beliefs About Psychotherapy Affects How the Therapist Works With You).

The therapist can often see possibilities even when the client cannot.  This isn't a Pollyanna notion or something that is "woo-woo."  This is based on the therapist assessing the client's personal strengths and history as well the signs of resilience in the client (see my article: Discovering Your Personal Strengths in Psychotherapy, How Experiential Psychotherapy Can Help You to Develop Your Personal Strengths and A Strengths-Based Perspective in Psychotherapy).

Fictional Clinical Vignette: The Psychotherapist's Role in Holding Open the Possibility For the Client's Transformation
The following fictional vignette, which is based on many different cases with no identifying information, illustrates this particular aspect of the psychotherapist's role:

Sam
After he relapsed on alcohol after five years of sobriety, Sam began psychotherapy.

During his first session, Sam expressed the despair about achieving sobriety again.  He talked about his relapse, which occurred while he was on a recent company retreat, "I allowed my colleagues to persuade me to drink after our meeting, even though I knew it was a mistake.  I convinced myself  that I could control it and have just one beer.  Then, I was off to the races and one drink turned into five and then I drank the whole weekend.  When I got back from the company retreat, I spoke with my A.A. sponsor and he recommended that I get into therapy.  So, here I am, but I feel like a total failure and I don't think I can get back to where I was in terms of my sobriety."

Listening to his history of struggling with alcoholism from the time he was a teenager, his long family history of drinking, childhood emotional abuse, and Sam's five year history of recovery, his therapist could tell that Sam had a lot of personal strengths (see my article: Why Is It That It's Often the Healthiest Person in a Dysfunctional Family Who Seeks Help in Therapy?).

Not only did Sam begin attending Alcoholics Anonymous on his own in his mid-20s, even though his family tried to dissuade him from going, he also successfully worked the 12 Steps with his sponsor and felt he benefited from doing it.  He was also an active participant on his A.A. meetings in terms of providing service for the meetings and he welcomed newcomers who were struggling with alcoholism.

As a teenager, despite his drinking, Sam achieved above average grades and got a college scholarship, even though his family placed little value in education and tried to persuade him not to go because they thought it was a waste of time.

When his therapist asked Sam if he had emotional support from anyone else in his family or from a mentor or coach, Sam said he had no one.  But he said he was determined to move out of a dysfunctional family environment where his father and older brothers drank heavily and he knew that a college education was necessary for him to realize his independence.

After he graduated college with honors, despite heavy drinking, he went onto law school and landed a good job in a top law firm.

Right around the time that Sam began his new job, he realized that he couldn't continue to drink heavily if he wanted to succeed, and he sought help in Alcoholics Anonymous.

He explained to his therapist that it was especially challenging for him to get sober because, similar to his family, many of the attorneys at his company, including the partners, drank heavily.  In fact, drinking was part of the culture in his company, and the attorneys were expected to take out their clients for drinks.

Sam said he knew that he wouldn't stand a chance of achieving sobriety without the support of a sponsor, so he jumped at the chance to talk to an A.A. member with many years of sobriety who was among the members who stood up at the beginners meeting and offered to be an interim sponsor.

His sponsor, who was also an attorney, helped Sam to work the 12 steps and become aware of his triggers to drinking.  He also helped him to navigate the tricky situations at work where there would be heavy drinking with partners and clients.

Sam explained to his therapist that, looking back on it, he realized that his alcohol relapse began even before he picked up his first drink.  He said it began when he cut back on the number of A.A. meetings he was attending and stopped talking as frequently to his sponsor.  Then, it culminated in not using the tools that his sponsor helped him to develop and in believing that he could have just one drink to be "one of the guys" at the company retreat.

When she heard about his family history, his psychotherapist could see that much of Sam's self doubt and fear were rooted in his history with a father who constantly criticized and belittled Sam.  Even though Sam struggled against his father's emotional abuse, there was a part of him that internalized and believed what his father said about him.

During the initial stage of therapy, his therapist sensed that Sam wasn't ready to hear her assessment that he had a lot of strengths and that if she said it at that point, he would deny it and might even leave therapy.  So, instead, she asked him if he was willing to work hard in therapy to see if he could become sober again.  When he told her that he was willing, they set up a treatment plan, which included increasing his A.A. meetings and talking to his sponsor daily as well as once a week therapy.

As his therapist formed a therapeutic alliance with Sam and felt that he was comfortable with her, she began to point out and praise him for the positive steps that he was taking.  She also pointed out his positive qualities that helped him to begin making changes.

Since his therapist was an experiential therapist, she was actively engaged in the therapy and expressed her genuine delight as he got back on track with his sobriety because she knew that this corrective emotional experience was necessary, especially given the history of emotional abuse in his family (see my articles: With Experiential Psychotherapy, There Are No Blank-Slate Psychotherapists - Part 1 and Part 2).

At that point in therapy, Sam was able to take in his therapist's emotional support and her view of him as someone who had the personal strengths to achieve an emotional transformation.

After Sam had a few months of sobriety, his therapist introduced the idea of EMDR therapy to work on the underlying trauma that was a factor in his relapse (see my articles:How Does EMDR Therapy Work: EMDR and the Brain and Experiential Therapy, Like EMDR Therapy, Helps to Achieve Emotional Breakthroughs).

Over time, Sam's confidence increased and he was able to acknowledge that he had many personal strengths that he could use to cope and maintain his sobriety in addition to therapy and his sober support system.

By the time Sam completed therapy, he realized that his therapist had believed in him all along and that this was a big part of his being able to sustain his sobriety and transform his life.

Conclusion
A skilled psychotherapist is able to hold open the possibility for clients' transformation even when clients are at a low point in therapy.

Being able to assess clients' personal strengths, as well as their challenges, and keeping in mind that with help most people's inclination is to move towards health and well-being, an experienced psychotherapist can hold open a space for positive change--especially when clients cannot see it for themselves.

Even when this holding open of a space for transformation isn't articulated by the psychotherapist, I believe that it is transmitted unconsciously in the intersubjective space between clients and their therapists.

Many clients recognize in hindsight that the therapist's role of holding onto the possibility of positive change was instrumental in helping them to achieve these changes.

Getting Help in Therapy
Experiential psychotherapists tend to be more present and actively involved in therapy.  They have seen clients' transformation against all odds and recognize the signs and signals that clients have the personal strengths necessary to make positive changes (see my article: Why Experiential Therapy is More Effective Than Regular Talk Therapy).

If you're struggling with problems that you have been unable to overcome on your own, you could benefit from working with an experiential psychotherapist who can help you to achieve a transformational experience in your life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC experiential psychotherapist who uses contemporary psychodynamic psychotherapy, EMDR, Somatic Experiencing, clinical hypnosis, and emotionally focused therapy (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to overcome their history of trauma as well as their own self doubts to achieve transformational experiences in their lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Greater Emotional and Sexual Intimacy in a Relationship

Being in an emotionally intimate and loving relationship is a desire that most people have. But achieving emotional intimacy in a relationship can be scary for many people because it involves being emotionally vulnerable (see my article: The Emotional Vulnerability of Being in a Relationship).

Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Intimacy

The wish to remain "safe" and avoid danger, rather than being vulnerable, is something that many people struggle with, especially if their emotional needs weren't met as children.

These people often experienced criticism, emotional neglect and shame when they sought love as children, so it's understandable that they fear getting close to someone in a relationship--even though closeness is what they really desire (see my article: An Emotional Dilemma: Wanting and Dreading Love).

When children are emotionally neglected, they hide the more emotionally vulnerable parts of themselves in order to protect themselves.  This was an adaptive thing to do as a child because to continue to allow themselves to yearn for what they weren't getting as children would only bring more emotional pain.

Allowing Yourself to Be Emotionally Vulnerable in a Romantic Relationship

If you were emotionally neglected as a child or if you had bad experiences in prior relationships, you don't suddenly become comfortable with emotional vulnerability (see my article: What is Childhood Emotional Neglect?).

That self protective part of you that took care of you as a child or in a prior emotionally abusive relationship continues to operate in the same way--until you take steps to make room for emotional vulnerability.

Sometimes the pain of being alone and lonely is greater than the fear of being emotionally vulnerable, and this creates the impetus for opening up to a romantic partner (see my article: Overcoming Loneliness and Social Isolation).

But allowing yourself to be emotionally vulnerable can still be daunting.

The truth is, whether you realize it or not, to be human is to be emotionally vulnerable.  You can try to protect yourself and avoid emotional intimacy in a romantic relationship, but you're still vulnerable in other relationships with loved ones.  It's just a part of life.  

The first step in overcoming your fear of emotional vulnerability is to become aware of your fear.

Noticing the physical and emotional cues to your avoidance can take practice because, when your fear has been longstanding, your avoidance is so automatic that you don't notice it. 

As I have mentioned in a prior article, becoming aware of your emotions usually starts with noticing what's going on in your body.  

Being present and aware of your body takes practice.  A "body scan," where you have quiet time and privacy to sense into your body to see where you're holding onto tension, is a good start.

Start from the crown of your head and slowly descend from the crown to your face, throat, chest and down to your gut.  Along the way, notice if you're holding onto tension in any particular area and then try to identify the emotion that goes with the tension.

The book, The Power of Focusing: A Practical Guide to Emotional Self Healing, by Ann Weiser Cornell is a simple how-to book on developing a "felt sense" of what's going on for you physically and emotionally.  She has practical exercises to help you develop your ability to become aware of your emotions.

Using these exercises, you can check in with yourself periodically during the day to sense what's going on for you.

Once you become more experienced with sensing your emotions, you'll discover when your fear of emotional vulnerability is operating and getting in your way.

Then, it's a matter of consciously making room for emotional vulnerability in romantic relationships with a person you can trust.

How do you know if you can trust someone enough to be emotionally vulnerable?  You need to get to know them over time and, if s/he feels safe enough, you can begin to take a risk of opening up emotionally to this person.

Getting Help in Therapy

Past trauma, including emotional neglect or abuse as a child as well as traumatic experiences in prior relationships, can make it difficult for you to achieve an emotionally intimate relationship because it feels too frightening to you.

A skilled trauma therapist can help you to work through the earlier traumatic experiences so you can gradually learn to be emotionally vulnerable to have the love and emotional intimacy that you long for in your life.

Rather than vacillating between hope and dread, you can get help in trauma therapy to feel hopeful and secure enough to take the emotional risks to achieve emotional intimacy.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing, Emotionally Focused Therapist and Sex Therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

One of my specialties is helping clients to overcome their traumatic experiences so they can live more fulfilling lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How Experiential Therapy Can Help You to Discover Your Personal Strengths

In my prior article, Discovering Your Personal Strengths in Therapy: You're Much More Than Your Traumatic History, I began a discussion about seeing beyond your traumatic history to discover your personal strengths (see my article: You're Not Defined By Your Diagnosis and Discovering Your Personal Strengths in Psychotherapy).

How Experiential Therapy Can Help You to Discover Your Personal Strengths

As a trauma therapist in New York City, many clients come to see me to overcome their history of trauma. As I'm helping them to overcome their trauma, I'm also assisting them to discover their personal strengths (see my article: A Strengths-Based Perspective in Psychotherapy).

As I mentioned in my prior article, it's important to be able to appreciate the personal strengths that got you through difficult times as well as that you can use these same strengths to cope with whatever challenges you're dealing with now.

Fictionalized Clinical Vignette: How Experiential Therapy Can Help You to Discover and Use Your Personal Strengths:
The following fictionalized clinical vignette, which is representative of many cases in therapy, illustrates how an experiential therapist can help a client to explore and use his personal strengths:

Ed
Before Ed began experiential therapy, he had been in conventional talk therapy for several years trying to overcome the effects of the childhood trauma he experienced as a young child.

Ed explained to his new therapist that he was grateful for the work he did with his prior therapist in talk therapy, but he felt no relief from the traumatic effects of childhood emotional neglect and abuse.  This is why, at the suggestion of a friend, he was willing to try experiential therapy.

From the very first session in experiential therapy, Ed noticed the difference in the way his new psychotherapist interacted with him.  Whereas his former therapist, who practiced conventional talk therapy, said very little in his sessions, his new therapist, who was interactive and dynamic.  She also talked about working in a collaborative way so that the therapy would be meaningful and effective for Ed.

In addition, she explained the different types of experiential therapy that she did with individuals, which included EMDR therapy (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) therapy, AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy), Somatic Experiencing, and clinical hypnosis.  She also explained that her original training was in depth psychotherapy so she had an ability to work deep and do brief therapy at the same time.

Ed could tell from his new therapist's facial expressions, gestures and demeanor that she already seemed to care about him, even though they were just having their initial consultation.  This surprised him because he never experienced this before in therapy.

His therapist emphasized that, in addition to helping him to resolve the effects of his traumatic history, she thought it was equally important to help Ed to explore and experience his personal strengths on an emotional level.

When Ed thought about it, he realized that he never really thought about his personal strengths.  He knew, on an intellectual level, that he had somehow survived the effects of his parents' abuse and neglect, but he never explored how he was able to do this in his prior therapy.

As he thought about it more, he told his new therapist that friends and other relatives who knew him often commented to him that, considering his family history, he accomplished a lot in terms of his success at college and in his career.

But Ed only experienced their praise as mere words.  He knew they were sincere, but he didn't know how to relate to what they were telling him.  He didn't think he had done anything out of the ordinary with regard to surviving his childhood history and being successful.

After his therapist heard his traumatic history, she said she was amazed that he had accomplished so much, and she asked him how he did it.

Ed seemed confused at first, and he said that he didn't know what he did to succeed at college and in his career, "I just did it.  I didn't think it was such a big deal."

Even though, at that point in therapy, Ed couldn't identify his personal strengths, he began to get curious.

In order to help Ed to appreciate that he had personal strengths that helped him, his therapist recommended that he think of his early history and his subsequent successes as if they were about someone else.

After thinking about it for a few minutes, Ed said that he had a close friend, who had a similar family history and similar accomplishments.  Ed told his therapist that when he thought about his friend, he admired his friend for being able to overcome his early challenges so that he could succeed in his career.  But when he thought about his own history and accomplishments, he wasn't able to appreciate them as much as he appreciated his friend's, which made him curious as to why he couldn't appreciate his efforts.

Over time, Ed talked about how both of his parents, who were physically abusive, also told him repeatedly from a young age that he would never amount to anything.  Although on some level, he believed them, he said, he was also determined to be independent of them.

As a result, even though he had low self esteem, he persevered in his studies as if his life depended on it.  And, in many ways, he felt that his life did, in fact, depend on being able to get a good job so he could move out of his parents home.

Since he did well in high school, despite the ongoing abuse and neglect, he was able to get a scholarship to an out of state college where he excelled.  From the time he moved out to go to college, he never moved back home.  He only went for brief visits.

His therapist helped Ed to see that two of his personal strengths were his determination and perseverence despite the challenges at home.  She helped him to appreciate these personal strengths as well as his other strengths, on a visceral emotional level by having him identify the emotions that he felt when he was able to feel good about these strengths and where he felt these emotions in his body.

Initially, this was difficult for Ed because he was so accustomed to minimizing his strengths and accomplishments as being "no big deal."

But one of the things that made it easier for him to eventually appreciate his personal strengths was how his therapist reflected back to him, on a emotional level, how delighted she was that he had these strengths to help him to excel.  He was able to see in her eyes and in her face the genuine caring and delight--something he never experienced with his own parents.

Over time, Ed had what is called a "corrective emotional experience" with his experiential therapist (see my article:  What is the Corrective Emotional Experience in Therapy?).  In contrast to his early experience with his parents, who were angry, abusive and neglectful, Ed experienced his therapist as being genuinely caring, warm and empathetic.  Compared to his prior therapist, his new therapist was emotionally accessible and enthusiastic about his well-being.

In addition, rather than just having an intellectual understanding of his problems and his personal strengths, Ed was able to develop an ability to actually feel these experiences on a core emotional level. He learned that, in order to make positive changes, being able to experience his innermost, primary emotions was essential for transformation.

These experiences in therapy were new and exciting for Ed, and he looked forward to his therapy sessions with his experiential therapist as he continued to make progress in therapy.

Conclusion
Many clients, who have a history of trauma, are almost exclusively focused on the effects of their trauma and their emotional problems.

While, ultimately, the goal of therapy is to help clients to overcome their trauma, along the way, as part of experiential therapy, it's important for clients to also recognize their personal strengths that allowed them to survive and, in many cases, to thrive despite the obstacles.

Not only does it help clients to appreciate how their strengths helped them in the past, it also helps them to recognize that they have these internal resources to call on in the present.

An experiential therapist is focused on helping to undo the aloneness that clients experienced during their traumatic history by being emotionally accessible to clients as they work through their trauma. She also helps clients to access their personal strengths.

In addition, she strives to help clients to have a new corrective emotional experience in therapy that is healing to clients.  All of this helps clients to overcome trauma and make positive changes in their lives.

Getting Help in Experiential Therapy
If you have been unable to resolve your problems on your own or you feel frustrated by intellectual insight that doesn't lead to a healing experience, you owe it to yourself to get help in from a licensed psychotherapist who practices experiential therapy (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Experiential therapy, like AEDP, is an evidence-based therapy that is effective and can lead to a transformation in your life.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and Emotionally Focused therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.