What is a Consensual Voyeurism?

In prior articles I've discussed different types of sexual behavior between consenting adults such as threesomes, group sex and cuckolding, which all involve consensual voyeurism (see my articles: How to Have a Fun and Passionate Threesome and Kinky Sex: What is Cuckolding?).

Consensual Voyeurism

What is Consensual Voyeurism?

Let's start by comparing consensual voyeurism to nonconsensual voyeurism to understand the difference.

Nonconsensual voyeurism usually involves one or more people watching unsuspecting adults engaged in sexual behavior.  It could also involve watching an unsuspecting person in a state of undress (e.g., a person who is trying on clothes in a dressing room).

Aside from watching, nonconsensual voyeurism could involve a "Peeping Tom" photographing or videotaping an individual or a couple in their home or in another place where privacy is assumed. In other words, it's without the individual or couple's consent.  This form of voyeurism is illegal in most places.

Consensual or Nonconsensual Voyeurism?

Consensual voyeurism, which is a fetish, is very different from nonconsensual voyeurism because all people involved have consented with consensual voyeurism (see my articles: Are You Curious About Exploring Fetishes With Your Partner? and What Are the Rules of Sexual Consent?).

As part of the fetish, some people prefer to be the ones who are watched while they are undressed or engaged in sexual behavior, other people prefer to watch others, and some people like to "switch" between watching and being watched.

How to Practice Consensual Voyeurism in an Ethical and Responsible Way

If you and your partner want to engage in consensual voyeurism, you can do it in a responsible and ethical way so that everyone involved is consenting beforehand to what will take place:

• Watching Your Partner Masturbate:  This can be a good way to start if you're new to consensual voyeurism. Assuming your partner shares your interest in this voyeuristic fetish, talk to them beforehand about what feels comfortable and what the boundaries will be.  Many couples incorporate watching each other masturbate as part of their sex script and might not even think of it as voyeuristic.  You can either be with your partner or you can "hide" somewhere, like in a closet or behind a door where you watch through the peephole to add sexual excitement.  In addition, you can spice things up with "dirty talk" and encourage your partner to do certain things that would turn both of you on.

• Role-Playing: This is another sexual activity where it's only you and your partner watching each other. If you both agree to certain sexual fantasies in advance, you can each become sexual characters in whatever type of scenario you would both enjoy.  You're only limited by your imagination. Maybe you pretend to be a stranger who is watching a sexual scene with your partner and someone else and then you enter into the scene (see my article: What Are the Benefits of Sexual Role Play?).

Sexual Role-Play

• Cuckolding, Threesomes and Group Sex: If you and your partner have agreed in advance to include other people in your sexual scenarios, you can include people who have consented to be part of a specific sex scene.  Be aware that your sexual fantasies about cuckolding, threesomes and group sex might be better than what you experience in reality. This is due, in part, to the fact that at least one person can feel left out if they feel they're not getting enough sexual attention. In a sexual fantasy, an individual often imagines they're the focus of attention, but an actual scene might not turn out this way (see my article: Are You Curious About Exploring Cuckolding With Your Partner?).

Play Party or Sex Club

• Attending Play Parties or Sex Clubs: When you attend a sexual play party or a sex club, there is an expectation that there will be sexual scenes that are open to the viewing of others at the party who are not directly involved in the scene. If the play party is organized well, the organizer will usually tell the attendees what to expect so that if they're not interested in a particular fetish or kink, they can avoid observing that scene.  For instance, if a scene will involve BDSM (bondage, discipline or domination, sadism or submission, and masochism) and an attendee would have a problem observing this, they would know this in advance from the organizer. 

Don't Expect Everything to Go Perfectly the First Time

If you and your partner are new to consensual voyeurism, you might want to start with watching each other without a third party (as mentioned above). Even then, don't expect everything to necessarily go as planned (see my article: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex?).

Before you start, you might think you both have covered everything in terms of boundaries and what you do and don't want to do. But there can be unforeseen circumstances.  For instance, you might think you would enjoy having your partner watch you masturbate, but once you start, you might feel unexpectedly uncomfortable so that you want to stop (see my article: Tips on How to Talk to Your Partner About Your Sexual Desires).

Always make an agreement beforehand that if one or both of you get uncomfortable, you can stop, take a break or do whatever you need to do to make each other comfortable.  

You and your partner can talk about it afterwards to improve your experience for next time--if there is to be a next time.

And don't forget to engage in sexual aftercare where you and your partner hug and hold each other and engage in other soothing care you give to each other.

Conclusion

Consensual voyeurism is very different from nonconsensual voyeurism, as described earlier in this article.

If you and your partner enjoy this type of fetish, consensual voyeurism can be fun and exciting.

Part of the sexual fun and excitement is the feeling that you're violating sexual prohibitions or engaging in something "naughty"--even though both you and your partner have consented to your voyeuristic activity beforehand (see my article: A Cornerstone of Eroticism: Violating Prohibitions By Breaking the Rules).

Consensual voyeurism can also expand your sexual repertoire in a positive way as long as it's done ethically and responsibly by everyone involved.

Also see my article: What is Consensual Exhibitionism?.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

There is no nudity, physical exams or sex during a sex therapy session (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Individuals and couples attend sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a skilled sex therapist so you can have a more fulfilling sex life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What Are the 4C's of Safe and Enjoyable Sex?

Enjoyable sex is also safe sex (see my article: What is Good Sex?).

Usually, when people think about safe sex, they only think about protecting themselves and their partners from pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections/diseases (STIs/STDs). But safe and enjoyable sex is about much more than just protection as I explain below (see my article: Sexual Wellness: Savoring Pleasure).

The 4C's of Safe and Enjoyable Sex

What Are the 4C's of Safe and Enjoyable Sex?

• Communication: Of the 4c's, communication is one of the most important if not the most important. It doesn't matter if your sexual encounter involves a one-night stand, Friends With Benefits (FWB) or a long term partner (see my articles: Creating Your Yes, No, Maybe Sexual Menu):

• Before: Talk to your partner about consent, condoms, contraception and safe sex.  Also, set boundaries and talk about what you each expect with regard to what you both want to do and what is off limits for each of you (see my article: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex).

The 4C's of Safe and Enjoyable Sex

• During: Check in with your partner to make sure sex they feel comfortable and sex is enjoyable for them. Be prepared to stop if one of you isn't comfortable anymore.

• After: Talk to your partner about the experience--what worked, what didn't work and what could be changed next time.

• Consent: Consent means that both you and your partner are enthusiastic about the sex you're able to have. Even though you are both consenting, be aware that either of you can withdraw consent at any time if one of you feels uncomfortable (see my article: What Are the Rules of Consent?).

The 4C's of Safe and Enjoyable Sex

• Condoms: The only way to be at least 97-98% safe is using condoms.  You can include putting on the condom as part of foreplay.  This also means knowing how to use a condom properly by:

• Opening up the wrapper carefully
• Placing the condom on the head of an erect penis
• Pinching the air out of the tip of the condom
• Unrolling the condom all the way down the penis 
• Holding the condom at the base after sex and before pulling the penis out of your partner
• Removing the condom carefully and throwing it away in the trash

• Contraception: Aside from condoms, many people use an additional form of contraception, like the pill, an IUD or an injection. You and your partner should consult with your medical doctor to determine what type of contraception is best for each of you.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Most psychotherapists aren't trained in sex therapy. This is why you need to see a sex therapist if you're having sexual problems.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy (see my article:  What is Sex Therapy?).

Individual adults and couples attend sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

There is no nudity, physical exams or sex during a sex therapy session (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Rather than struggling on your own, get help from a skilled sex therapist so you can have a more fulfilling sex life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Riding the Waves From Trauma to Transformation in Experiential Therapy

Making a decision to get help for unresolved trauma in trauma therapy isn't easy. So, most people who begin trauma therapy hope they can eventually free themselves of their traumatic history to live a more fulfilling life (see my article: Are You Reacting to Your Present Circumstances Based on Your Traumatic Past?).

From Trauma to Transformation in Experiential Therapy

I see many clients in my New York City private practice who have tried in vain to overcome trauma in regular talk therapy. Many of them have spent years in talk therapy trying to resolve their trauma. 

In many cases, they came away with new insights into their problems, but they don't feel any different (see my article: Developing Insight in Therapy Isn't Enough to Change).

In other words, they might understand why they get triggered in certain situations, but their insight doesn't prevent them from getting triggered again.

Experiential Therapy to Overcome Trauma

There are specific therapy modalities, known as Experiential Therapy, that were developed to help clients overcome trauma. 

Experiential Therapy is different from regular talk therapy, which I'll explain in the section below on Memory Reconsolidation.  

Experiential Therapy includes:

• EMDR Therapy (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)

• Somatic Experiencing
  

• AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy)

• Ego States Therapy (also known as Parts Work or Internal Family Systems)

• Hypnotherapy
  

• Coherence Therapy
  

And other types of Experiential therapy

Memory Reconsolidation in Experiential Trauma Therapy

As Bruce Ecker, LMFT, explains in his book, Unlocking the Emotional Brain, all Experiential Therapy provides an opportunity for memory reconsolidation, which is essential for resolving trauma. 

From Trauma to Transformation in Experiential Therapy

Memory reconsolidation is a neurobiological process whereby traumatic memories are recalled and made accessible to be reprocessed in Experiential Therapy (see my article: The Unconscious Mind and Experiential Therapy: The "Symptom" Contains the Solution for a more indepth explanation of the memory reconsolidation process).

Memory reconsolidation is one of the reasons why Experiential Therapy is more effective than regular talk therapy (see my article: Why Experiential Therapy is More Effective Than Regular Talk Therapy to Overcome Trauma).

Riding the Waves From Trauma to Transformation in Experiential Therapy

Many people who suffer with unresolved trauma try to avoid dealing with their trauma symptoms (see my article: How is Emotional Avoidance Related to Unresolved Trauma?).

While it's understandable that no one wants to experience emotional pain, unfortunately, when you resist these symptoms, they tend to come back even stronger.

When I work with clients who have unresolved trauma, I prepare them before processing the trauma by helping them to develop the internal resources to ride the waves when traumatic symptoms come up (see my article: Developing Internal Resources and Coping Skills).

While it's not pleasant to deal with these symptoms, as previously mentioned, resisting them only makes them worse.  In fact, many clients discover that once they have developed internal resources for coping with these symptoms, they're able to cope with the symptoms and it's not as bad as they anticipated.  

Many of them also realize that it took so much more energy to resist dealing with these symptoms than just learning to ride the waves of these symptoms when they come up until the trauma is resolved.

Working on Shock Trauma vs Developmental (Childhood) Trauma With Experiential Therapy

There is a difference between shock trauma and developmental trauma (see my article: What is the Difference Between Shock Trauma and Developmental Trauma?).

One-time traumatic events, like getting robbed or going through a natural disaster are called shock trauma. These are single events, and when there's no other underlying traumatic experiences, shock trauma tends to be easier to resolve in relatively fewer sessions.

Developmental trauma, which is also known as childhood trauma, is more complex.  This type of trauma usually occurs many times over time.  This includes childhood abuse and childhood emotional neglect.

Due to the complex nature of developmental trauma, processing this type of trauma tends to take longer (see my article: What is Complex Trauma?).

How much longer? Unfortunately, there's no way to know in advance.  Everyone processes trauma differently.  It might take months or it might take years depending upon the particular client, their traumatic history and how their particular response to processing trauma.  However, it's usually more effective and faster than regular talk therapy.

Working on Transgenerational Trauma

There is also transgenerational trauma (also known as intergenerational trauma) which is trauma that is passed down from one generation to the next.  

This type is trauma is experienced directly by your parents, grandparents or even great grandparents and it's unconsciously and unintentionally transmitted to you (see my article: Transgenerational Trauma).

Common examples of transgenerational trauma is when a parent or grandparent is a Holocaust survivor or experienced war trauma. Even if the trauma might never be discussed, it can still be transmitted to you and future generations (see my article: Your Unresolved Trauma Can Affect Your Children).

Taking the First Step to Overcome Trauma

The first step, which is making a decision to get help in trauma therapy, is often the hardest.

From Trauma to Transformation in Experiential Therapy

Many people are afraid trauma therapy will be too unpleasant. However, a skilled trauma therapist will work with a client to prepare them for the trauma processing and process the trauma in a way that is usually tolerable (see my article: Expanding Your Window of Tolerance in Experiential Therapy).

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

If you feel stuck due to unresolved trauma, seek help from a skilled trauma therapist.

Rather than continuing to struggle on your own, you can get the help you need to lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

One of my specialities, as a trauma therapist, is helping clients to overcome trauma (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?)

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Overcoming Psychological Trauma: Reconnecting to a Sense of Aliveness

Many people, who are currently affected by unresolved psychological trauma, don't get the help they need in trauma therapy because they're too afraid to delve into traumatic memories.

Overcoming Psychological Trauma in Trauma Therapy

Aside from fear, there's an old and misleading statement, "Time heals all wounds," but psychological trauma doesn't resolve on it's own without help in trauma therapy (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

What is the Physical and Emotional Cost of Living With Unresolved Trauma?

The physical and emotional cost of living with unresolved trauma is significant, including the possibility of one or more of the following problems:

• Anxiety
• Depression
• Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)
• Cardiovascular problems, like high blood pressure, heart attack or stroke
• Problems in intimate relationships, including problems with connecting emotionally and sexually with others
• Fibromyalgia
• Other inflammatory disorders
• Headaches and other body aches
• Obesity
• Cancer
• Alcoholism and other forms of substance misuse
• Other stress-related physical and mental health problems

Aside from all problems listed above, unresolved trauma can also create emotional numbness and a sense of deadness that you might not recognize in yourself but others sense in you.

How Can Trauma Therapy Can Help?

There are many different types of trauma therapy including EMDR therapy, AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy), and Somatic Experiencing (SE), to name a few, which help people to overcome unresolved trauma.

Overcoming Psychological Trauma in Trauma Therapy

All of the above modalities to trauma therapy are considered Experiential Therapies (see my article: Why is Experiential Therapy More Effective to Overcome Trauma Than Regular Talk Therapy?).

Often working on trauma isn't nearly as difficult as most clients believe.

A skilled trauma therapist helps clients to develop the internal resources necessary to work on traumatic memories during the preparation phase of trauma therapy (see my article: Developing Coping Strategies Before Processing Trauma in Trauma Therapy).

Overcoming Trauma Can Help You to Reconnect With a Sense of Aliveness

Once you have worked through your trauma so it's no longer affecting you in the present, you can reconnect with a sense of your own vitality and aliveness (see my article: Recapturing a Sense of Aliveness).

Overcoming Psychological Trauma in Trauma Therapy

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

Taking the first step of overcoming your fears and contacting a trauma therapist for a consultation is usually the hardest.

But if you find a trauma therapist that you can relate to and who has an expertise in your particular trauma, you can be one step closer to living a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a trauma therapist who works individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Developing Self Compassion in Trauma Therapy With Parts Work

I began a discussion about Parts Work therapy, which is a form of trauma therapy, in a prior article (see my article: How Parts Work Empowers You). 

Developing Self Compassion in Trauma Therapy

There are different types of Parts Work therapy, including Ego States therapy and Internal Family Systems, among others.

In that prior article I gave a basic description of Parts Work and how it's used. 

In a nutshell: Parts Work therapy assumes that we're all made up of many different parts, which are also called Self States.  

For a recap, see: Understanding the Different Aspects of Yourself That Make You Who You Are.

In the current article, I'm focusing on how Parts Work trauma therapy helps clients to develop self compassion.

Developing Self Compassion in Trauma Therapy

The idea of internal parts is a metaphor.  

Instead of saying "defense mechanisms," we refer to the many aspects of self as parts.

Parts Work therapy allows you to look at these aspects in terms of being parts. This is much more useful because Parts Work allows you to explore the parts by separating and externalizing them from yourself rather than thinking of them as intra-psychic phenomena, which is an intellectualized way to view them.

Externalizing the parts gives you some distance and a perspective to recognize that, although various parts might have a significant impact on you, you are not any one of these parts.  

For instance, it's common for someone to say, "A part of me feels this way, but another part of me feels another way."  Just saying this captures the ambivalence that all of us feel about certain areas of our life.

To be clear: I'm not referring to multiple personality disorder. Instead, I'm describing normal aspects of everyone's inner world.

Some of these parts are in conflict with one another, especially if a person is dealing with unresolved trauma.  Other parts are aligned and need to be unpacked in Parts Work therapy to understand how they operate.

How Does Parts Work Therapy Work?

Parts Work therapy helps clients to:

• Identify the different parts of themselves how they are affected by other parts
• The origin of these parts
• How the parts are related to unresolved trauma
• How the parts either work together or in opposition to each other
• How to cope with these parts
• What these parts need to be soothed so they soften and change
• How to ask certain parts to step aside when they are getting in the way
• How to integrate these parts in a healthy way, which is the ultimate goal

Developing Self Compassion With Parts Work Therapy

Once you begin to explore the various parts of yourself in Parts Work therapy, you're able to see that many of these parts go back to an earlier time in your life, especially if the parts are related to unresolved trauma.

Developing Self Compassion in Trauma Therapy

In Ego States therapy, clients learn to have an inner dialogue with their various parts with the help of a therapist who does this type of therapy.  

When you explore these parts, you discover that they have "good intentions" which was part of the survival strategies you learned earlier in your life and, although these strategies might have been helpful in the past (say, when you were a child), they now keep people stuck.

Many of these parts have childlike characteristics, so clients usually develop self compassion for the parts, who tried to do the best they could in the past.  

Working with the parts in Ego States therapy usually allows them to soften so they no longer get in the way and also so they change to function in a healthier way.

When a client can take a compassionate stance towards their various parts, the parts often respond to trauma therapy so they can heal and become an integrated part of the client instead of being dissociated and triggered under current triggering circumstances (see my article: Coping With Triggers).

Overcoming Trauma With Parts Work

If you have unresolved trauma that is keeping you stuck, you could benefit from doing Parts Work, like Ego States Therapy.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help with a trauma therapist who does Parts Work therapy, so you can lead a happier and more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, Parts Work, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Becoming More Attuned to Each Other

One of the most common problems I hear about in my private practice in New York City is a lack of emotional or sexual attunement in relationships (see my article: Are You Able to Express Your Vulnerable Emotions to Your Partner?).

What is Attunement in a Relationship?

Attunement in a relationship means the ability to connect with one another on an emotional and sexual level.

Becoming More Attuned to Each Other

Some couples connect well emotionally, but they're not attuned sexually.  This often occurs in long term relationships where sex has become less satisfying for one or both partners.

A lack of attunement can occur for many reasons.  Often this problem occurs when the couple isn't working together as a team.  This causes one or both partners to feel alone and emotionally unfulfilled. 

If the lack of attunement is also occurring in the bedroom, a couple often stops having sex to avoid the problem (see my article: Have You and Your Partner Stopped Having Sex?).

How to Get Emotionally Attuned to Yourself First and Then Your Partner

Rather than engaging in blame and conflict, which can destroy a relationship, each person needs to make a commitment to approach the problem as a team (see my articles: Moving Beyond the Blame Game in Your Relationship and Improving Your Communication By Eliminating the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse).

Becoming More Attuned to Each Other

In other words, there are no "bad guys." Instead, there is a recognition that the problems are co-created between both people, and if there is a willingness on each person's part to overcome this negative dynamic in the relationship, they can co-create the solution.

Becoming More Attuned to Each Other

Each of you can take some quiet time on your own to think and write about what you feel is missing and what you want more of in the relationship.

Start by focusing on yourself and where you feel you can improve rather than making a list of complaints about your partner.  

Are you attuned to your own emotions?  If not, take a moment to calm your mind and body so you can drop down into your own internal experience to get better attuned with yourself before you approach your partner.  

To get attuned, find a private quiet place without distractions.  

Close your eyes if you feel comfortable, focus on your breath and slow down your breathing (see my article: The Mind-Body Connection: Developing a Felt Sense of Your Emotions).

Expect to have distracting thoughts and when they come up, imagine you can put each one on a cloud and watch them float away (see my article: Basic Mindfulness Skills).

As you focus on your emotions, tune into your body to get a sense of where you can feel your emotions in your body.  Know that it's not unusual to feel conflicting emotions. Just acknowledge them and let them be.  Don't judge them or try to suppress them.

Afterwards take time to write down what came up for you and what you might want to share with your partner.

Emotional vulnerability is a pathway to intimacy, so if you can both share what came up for each of you, it could bring you closer.

On the other hand, if your emotional connection with your partner has deteriorated to the point where you don't feel comfortable being vulnerable, you can start with your less vulnerable feelings.

When you're listening to your partner, give your partner your undivided attention.  Listen without interrupting or getting distracted with other things (phones are off and put away).  

Becoming More Attuned to Each Other

After your partner has shared, instead of giving your perspective or opinion, tell your partner what you heard without criticism or judgment ("I heard you say you feel lonely in our relationship. Is that right?").  

If your partner says you didn't understand what s/he was saying, ask your partner to say it again in another way.  Repeat this process until you're really get what your partner is saying.

You don't have to agree with your partner's perspective.  You just need to let your partner know that you heard and understand based on what s/he said.

Then, it's your turn.  Follow the same steps.  Remember to slow down so you can be attuned to your own emotions as well as your partner's.

It takes time and patience to feel into and talk about your emotions, so don't rush through this exercise just to get through it.  If you do, you'll convey to your partner that you're not interested in hearing what s/he has to say or what you have to say to your partner.

You might experience some discomfort, especially if you're not accustomed to sharing your emotions on a deep level.  That's okay.  With practice, this process can get easier as you each work on these skills.

How to Get Sexually Attuned to Yourself and Your Partner

Many people feel embarrassed to talk about sex (see my articles: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2).

Becoming More Attuned to Each Other

Start by getting attuned to your own sense of sexuality in terms of what you like.  If it's been a long time since you have felt attuned to your own sexuality, start gradually.

If you have good memories of enjoying sex, you can begin by remembering times when you enjoyed sex in the past (see my article:  Reviving Your Sex Life By Remembering Your Peak Erotic Experiences).

Whether these memories involve solo sex or sex with a partner, what was it about those experiences that made sex enjoyable?  Was it your sense of connection? Was it your sense of playfulness or freedom to let go? Or something else?

If you have never experienced pleasurable sex, do you have memories of seeing movies or reading books that got you turned on?  What was it about those scenes that appealed to you?

After each of you have engaged in your own sexual self exploration, you can share your thoughts and fantasies with your partner (see my article: Finding Your Sexual Voice).

Once again, don't be critical or judgmental. Just listen.  Their turn-ons might not be yours, but couples often find sexual activities that get them both turned on (see my article: Don't Yuk Your Partner's Yum).

When it's your turn, try to be as open as you can about what you like and allow your partner to have his or her own preferences.

Getting Help in Therapy

It's common for couples to allow emotional and sexual problems to go unaddressed for months and even years.  At that point, it's hard to try to resolve them on their own (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) For Couples?).

If you're struggling with a lack of emotional or sexual attunement in your relationship, you could benefit from seeking help in couples/sex therapy.

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy.  There is no physical exam, nudity or sex during sex therapy sessions (see my article:  Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy).

Individual adults and couples seek help in sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has an expertise with your problems so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex-positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.