How to Manage Your Emotions Without Suppressing Them

Everyone experiences emotions. They are a normal part of everyday life whether you feel sad, angry, frustrated, happy, disappointed or any other emotion.

Although everyone expects to feel emotions, some people have problems regulating their emotions.  

How to Manage Your Emotions Without Suppressing Them

Often this is because they never learned emotional regulation.  But the good news is that you can learn to regulate your emotions by developing emotional regulation skills and strategies.

What is Emotional Regulation?

As I mentioned in my article,  How to Develop Emotional Intelligence, emotional intelligence involves:

• Developing self awareness
• Managing emotions
• Picking up on social cues
• Maintaining relationship

Emotional regulation is the ability to control the intensity of emotions.  With emotional regulation, not only do control the intensity of your emotions, but you also know how to express your emotions.

For many people this can be especially challenging with difficult emotions.  

Emotional regulation doesn't mean avoiding or suppressing emotions.  On the contrary, avoiding or suppressing emotions often makes them even more intense.

Emotional regulation is the extent to which you stay calm and collected when you experience difficult emotions.

People who have a high degree of emotional intelligence are good at regulating their emotions. They are aware of their internal experience as well as the experience of others.  

These people experience distressing emotions just like everyone else but, over time, they have developed emotional regulation skills and strategies so they can regulate their emotions.

What is Emotional Suppression?

Emotional suppression occurs when someone pushes uncomfortable emotions out of their awareness.  Rather than dealing with these emotions, a person who uses emotional suppression either distracts themselves or pushes these emotions down.

Some people suppress emotions by distracting themselves by watching TV, participating in online activities, watching pornography or other distracting activities.  

Others numb themselves emotionally by drinking excessively, using illicit drugs, overeating, gambling compulsively, overspending, engaging in sex compulsively and so on (see my article: Changing Maladaptive Coping Strategies That No Longer Work For You: Avoidance).

Why Do People Suppress Emotions?

Many people suppress uncomfortable emotions like anger, sadness, fear, disgust and contempt because they don't know how to manage them.

It's often the case that these people never learned to experience uncomfortable emotions when they were growing up.  Usually this is because they grew up in a household where their family discouraged any signs of discomfort around difficult emotions.  

Under healthy conditions, children learn to tolerate uncomfortable emotions in an age-appropriate way with the help of their caregivers.  

For instance, a child, who has to leave the park with her mother when it's time to go home, feels upset, but she is soothed by her mother (or father) so that the child's emotions don't become overwhelming.

Over time, this same child learns how to soothe herself, which is called self soothing so that she develops this emotional regulation skill over time.

But a child who has no one to soothe her or, worse still, is told, "Don't be a baby!" or "Stop crying!" or "You have no reason to be upset" doesn't learn how to regulate emotions. 

This is a form of childhood emotional neglect which is traumatic for the child (see my articles: What is Childhood Emotional Neglect? and Overcoming Your Unresolved Childhood Trauma).

That child suppresses her emotions because she's being told that these emotions are uncomfortable for the parents. This is the only way for this child to survive in a dysfunctional family where uncomfortable emotions are suppressed, numbed or expressed in inappropriate ways.

Emotional suppression becomes the way this child continues to deal with uncomfortable emotions when she becomes an adult.  This often results in problems in personal relationships as well as problems at work when she can't deal with uncomfortable feelings.

What Are Some of the Consequences of Emotional Suppression?

As previously mentioned, emotional suppression can also result in emotional numbing with alcohol, drugs and other forms of abuse which creates its own problems.

Emotional suppression can also result in medical problems due to the mind-body connection. This is because, even though the difficult emotions might be out of someone's conscious awareness, they're not gone.  So, it's possible to develop headaches, stomach problems, elevated blood pressure and other related medical issues.

There have also been studies that reveal that over time emotional suppression can shorten a person's lifespan.

The Benefits of Managing Your Emotions

It's important for your own well-being, your personal and work-related relationships, and your health to learn to manage your emotions.

Whether you do this on your own or you seek help in therapy, most people can learn to manage their emotions.

Next Article:

In my next article, I'll discuss useful strategies you can learn to manage your emotions.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to learn how to manage their emotions and overcome unresolved trauma (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How to Develop Emotional Intelligence (EQ)

What is Emotional Intelligence?
Emotional intelligence is the ability to identify, attune to, and manage your emotions in healthy ways. 

When you have emotional intelligence, you're able to recognize your own emotional state as well as the emotional states of others.

Developing Emotional Intelligence

In many ways, emotional intelligence, or emotional quotient (EQ), is even more important than intelligence quotient (IQ) with regard to being attuned to yourself and others. When you're attuned to your own emotional state and the emotional states of those around you, you're more likely to build successful relationships in your personal life as well as in your career.

Emotional intelligence includes 

• Developing self awareness, 
• Managing emotions
• Picking up on social cues 
• Maintaining relationships

• Developing self awareness: When you're self aware, you recognize how your emotions affect your thoughts and behavior. You know your strengths and challenges and you feel confident.

• Managing your emotions: Part of emotional self management is being able to manage your emotions, thoughts and behaviors in a healthy way. You don't behave impulsively. You're able to take charge, when appropriate. You're able to keep your commitments. You're also able to adapt to changes in your environment, which is so important in our ever-changing world. 

• Picking up on social cues: Emotional intelligence enables you to pick up on social cues in your environment. You recognize your needs as well as the needs of those around you. You feel comfortable in most social situations. You also recognize the social dynamics in personal and work-related group settings.

• Developing and maintaining relationships: Emotional intelligence allows you to develop and maintain personal and work-related relationships, communicate well with others, influence people, manage conflict, and interact well in group settings. More than ever, businesses are now evaluating their employees on the basis of their emotional intelligence at work.

Ideally, emotional intelligence is a set of skills that you learn as you're growing up. However, depending upon your particular circumstances when you were growing up, you might not have learned to develop these skills. 

As a result, this could be causing significant problems in your personal and work-related relationships. 

But it's never too late to develop these skills, and many people come to therapy because they have had problems related to one or more areas where they lack emotional intelligence.

Clinical Vignette
The following scenario is a composite of many cases with all identifying information removed. This vignette illustrates how someone who has not developed emotional intelligence can learn to develop these skills in psychotherapy:

Bob:
Bob was a man in his early 30s. When he began psychotherapy, he had just received his annual performance review at his new company, and he was very disappointed to learn that his boss, Gregg, was not pleased with how Bob interacted with others at work. 

While Gregg praised Bob for his technical skills, he told Bob that he needed to improve how he interacted with his colleagues and senior management. He felt that Bob was too aloof and isolated at work, and he was not a "team player."

Gregg told Bob that this was not just his opinion--he had also received this feedback from Bob's peers and other managers at the company. He told Bob that his potential success at the company depended on Bob learning to develop emotional intelligence on the job. He recommended that Bob read Daniel Goleman's book, Emotional Intelligence. 

Gregg also told Bob to consider getting emotional help to overcome whatever emotional barriers might be getting in Bob's way from forming good interpersonal relationships at work.

Bob was also experiencing difficulty forming personal relationships. He recognized that this was a lifelong problem, but he didn't know what to do about it. 

Whenever he tried to form personal relationships, whether they were friendships or romantic relationships, they never lasted beyond a brief period of time. This left Bob feeling very lonely and lacking in self confidence. He had a couple of buddies that he went with to sports events, but he didn't have any close relationships.

Bob often felt that there was "something missing" in him that caused him to have such difficulties in his relationships, but he didn't know what it was. 

Until his boss mentioned the term "emotional intelligence," Bob was completely unaware of this concept. But as he started reading Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman, he realized that he lacked these interpersonal skills, and he very much wanted to develop them.

When Bob began psychotherapy, he had very little awareness of his emotional state at any given time. He grew up in a household where his parents demonstrated very little in terms of their own emotions, and they didn't talk about emotions at all. 

Education was very important to them, and they encouraged him to do well in school. When Bob's teachers told his parents that Bob had problems forming friendships, they dismissed this as unimportant. As long as Bob got excellent grades, they were happy and they told him not to be concerned about friendships.

Bob's therapist began by helping Bob to recognize his own emotions. When he started therapy, Bob had only the vaguest notion of his emotions. 

Generally, he recognized when he felt "good" or when he felt "bad," but he couldn't distinguish whether "good" meant that he felt content or elated or if "bad" meant that he felt sad or angry.

Bob's therapist helped Bob to distinguish his emotions based on what Bob was feeling in his body. 

For instance, he learned to recognize that when his stomach was clinched, he often felt fearful. He also learned to identify other emotions based on what he was feeling physically. Gradually, he began to distinguish fear from anger or sadness. He also recognized that sometimes he felt more than one emotion at a time, which was confusing to him at first.

Bob's therapist also worked with him to begin to pick up on social cues in his work environment. Prior to this, Bob didn't pay attention at all to the emotional environment at work. 

He was emotionally disconnected from the environment and from how his colleagues were feeling at any given time. 

Over time, working with his therapist, Bob began to learn how to read "body language" with individuals and at staff meetings. This helped him to negotiate his relationships at work. It also alerted him with regard to the appropriateness of timing and others' receptivity with regard to introducing new ideas.

In addition, he learned to take an interest in his coworkers. Prior to starting therapy, it never would have occurred to Bob to ask a coworker about his or her weekend or a vacation. 

After he began working with his therapist on developing emotional intelligence, Bob began taking his first tentative steps by engaging in conversation with coworkers. 

To his amazement, his coworkers began to take more of an interest in him as well. He discovered that several of his coworkers would go out for lunch on Fridays, and they started inviting him to come along, which pleased Bob.

He recognized that his coworkers were beginning to like him. While this was gratifying to Bob, he also began to feel the sadness of so many years of not having this in his life, and he realized that this was an important missing piece for him.

Socializing in his personal life was more of a challenge. Even though Bob was very lonely, he felt very awkward in social situations, and he tended to avoid them. 

He would often turn down invitations from his sports buddies to attend parties where he could have, potentially, made other friends or met a woman that he could date.

Although he was very anxious about getting out more, Bob was determined to overcome his fear. So, when an opportunity presented itself for him to attend a party, he accepted the invitation. He and his therapist had several sessions to talk about his anxiety and to work on how he could improve his interpersonal skills in these types of social situations. 

Even though he was starting to feel more comfortable socially with his colleagues, he was anxious about socializing on a personal level. He felt that, at least in his work environment, he could talk to his colleagues about work. But with new people where he did not have this in common, he felt very unsure of himself.

Bob and his therapist worked on various role plays where he practiced how to start a conversation in a social setting. They talked about all different types of scenarios and what social cues Bob should notice among those around him with regard to people's relative openness to engaging socially. 

They decided that it would be easier for Bob to start by asking the hostess to introduce him to some of the people at the party. They also decided that, to start, Bob didn't have to stay for the entire party if he was too uncomfortable, so they talked about how he could negotiate this socially with the hostess.

Fortunately for Bob, the hostess at this party was an emotionally astute woman. She recognized that Bob was anxious in social settings, and she started by introducing him to other people in his particular field of work. 

Although Bob was very nervous at first, once he began talking to these people, he felt more comfortable. One person confided in Bob that he also felt anxious at parties, and Bob felt relieved to know that he wasn't the only one who experienced social anxiety.

Working diligently with his therapist, over time Bob was able to develop emotional intelligence in his work environment and in social situations. But 

Bob also felt proud when Gregg approached him one day and told him that he was pleased to see that Bob had improved his interpersonal skills at work. 

This positive feedback motivated Bob to continue working on this issue in his therapy. 

In addition, Bob was starting to date women, and he was surprised and pleased to realize that there were women who liked him.

What Can You Do to Develop Emotional Intelligence?

If you're experiencing a lack of emotional attunement to yourself and to others, you could benefit from developing or improving your emotional intelligence skills.

Daniel Goleman is a psychologist who has done a lot of research on the topic of emotional intelligence. I recommend that you read his book, Emotional Intelligence.

While reading a book about emotional intelligence is a good start in terms of acquainting yourself with basic concepts, reading alone won't help you to develop emotional intelligence. 

Very often, it's helpful to also develop these skills in the context of your own personal therapy with a licensed psychotherapist who helps clients to overcome this problem.

Contrary to what you might think, you'll discover that you're not alone, and many people, who struggle with this issue, are able to develop these important skills to become more emotionally attuned to themselves and to others. 

You'll also discover that developing emotional intelligence will contribute to the success of your personal relationships and your career.

Getting Help in Therapy

Emotional intelligence is critical to maintaining relationships in all areas of your life.

You can learn to develop emotional intelligence by working with a licensed mental health professional.

Life is much more fulfilling when you are self aware, you can manage your emotions, pick up on social cues and maintain relationships.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing, and Sex Therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to develop emotional intelligence so that they can lead more fulfilling lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What is Avoidance Coping and How Is It Related to Anxiety?

Avoidance coping is a common maladaptive coping strategy that avoids stressors rather than dealing with them directly.  Avoidance coping also goes by the names of avoidant coping, avoidant behavior, procrastination and passive aggressive behavior (see my article: Changing Maladaptive Coping Strategies That No Longer Work For You: Avoidance).

Avoidance Coping and Anxiety

Why Do People Use Avoidance to Try to Cope With Stress and Anxiety?

Avoidance coping is often used by people who are anxious and get stressed easily.  They feel temporarily relieved not to deal with the anxiety and stress.  But in the long run it only makes the problem worse, more stressful and more anxiety producing (see my articles: What is the Difference Between Functional and Dysfunctional Anxiety? and How to Increase Your Tolerance For Uncertainty to Reduce Your Anxiety).

How Does Avoidance Coping Create More Anxiety and Stress?

Here are some of the ways that avoidance coping creates more anxiety and stress:

• Avoidance coping, which can temporarily decrease anxiety and stress, creates more anxiety and stress in the long run because problems get worse and you feel worse about yourself, which creates a negative spiral.

Avoidance Coping and Anxiety

• Avoidance coping doesn't resolve the problem.

• Avoidance creates frustration for you and for others who are affected by it.

• Avoidance often creates conflict with others who are upset about problems that aren't being addressed.

• Avoidance may cause others to withdraw emotional support because they feel frustrated when you don't deal with problems directly.

Clinical Vignette: The Link Between Avoidance Coping and Anxiety and How to Overcome Avoidance Coping

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information removed, is a common scenario.  It shows how anxiety and avoidance coping are linked and how therapy can help:

Gina

Ever since she could remember, Gina experienced a lot of anxiety whenever she had to confront a difficult situation.  

She grew up in a family where both her mother and father were highly anxious.  They tended to catastrophize whenever they were faced with a difficult situation which, in turn, made Gina anxious as a child. 

Gina often saw her parents become excessively worried on a regular basis when they had to file their taxes, fill out any kind of official papers, deal with any kind of deadline or confrontation or handle any situation where they felt uncomfortable.

Rather than deal with stressful situations directly, Gina's parents often procrastinated until they couldn't procrastinate any more.  Then, they would try to rush to solve problems that had become worse because they didn't deal with the issues early on.  This only created more anxiety for them, which fueled more avoidance, and so on.

Gina didn't learn to develop healthy coping skills as a child because she wasn't taught to develop them by her parents.  Instead, she internalized their way of avoiding and delaying (see my article: Intergenerational Family Dynamics).

This meant that homework assignments were often done at the last minute or, if she was anxious about a test, she wouldn't prepare for it and she would delay going to class until she was late.  This often meant she had less time to complete the test.

Over time, Gina's avoidance got worse as her anxiety got worse.  Anxiety fueled avoidance and avoidance fueled anxiety until Gina often felt like she was spiraling out of control.

Since she was smart, Gina got good grades in college, but she often created more anxiety for herself by procrastinating with papers and projects.  

After graduation, Gina became a newspaper journalist.  She loved the work and she was enthusiastic about the topics she worked on but, due to her anxiety and propensity to use avoidance to try to cope with anxiety, she usually delayed turning in her story until the last minute.  

She was often up until all hours of the night working in a frenzy to get her assignments in by the deadline.  These all nighters were taking a toll on her sleep so that she often felt exhausted and even more anxious.

After she got married, Gina and her husband, Tom, would argue about her procrastination.  Early on in their marriage, Gina took on the task of paying bills, which she often paid late because money issues made her highly anxious.  

After a while, the late payments affected their credit score, which made it difficult to get a mortgage when they wanted to buy an apartment.

Tom urged Gina to get help in therapy to deal with her anxiety and procrastination.  She assured him time and again that she would seek help in therapy, but her anxiety about confronting her problem got in the way of her seeking help.

Over time, Gina's anxiety and procrastination continued to get worse.  After she missed three work deadlines in a row, she was terminated from her job and the shock of this crisis finally brought her into therapy.

Gina'a therapist provided her with psychoeducation about how Gina was using a maladaptive strategy of avoidance to deal with her anxiety.  Her therapist helped Gina to gain insight into how she made matters worse for herself.

They also worked on her unresolved childhood trauma of feeling unsafe as a child in a home where her parents were highly anxious and, as a result, were unable to provide her with an emotionally stable home environment (see my articles: Overcoming Unresolved Childhood Trauma and How Emotional Avoidance is Related to Trauma).

Her therapist used Parts Work to help Gina deal with the internal parts of herself that were avoidant (see my article: How Parts Work Therapy Can Empower You).  

They also used EMDR therapy so she could work through unresolved childhood trauma (see my article: How EMDR Therapy Achieves Emotional Breakthroughs).

Over time, Gina learned to develop healthy coping strategies to calm herself and deal directly with issues instead of using avoidant coping strategies (see my article: Developing Internal Resources and Coping Strategies).

Gradually, starting with relatively small issues that she would normally avoid, she learned to deal with increasingly stressful tasks and situations.

There were times early on when she was tempted to cancel her therapy sessions as part of her avoidant behavior.  However, she learned not to give in to this urge, especially when she saw that she was feeling and coping better.

Tips on How to Overcome Avoidance Coping

The scenario above about Gina illustrates how avoidance coping is related to anxiety and how it can get worse over time without help.

Here are some tips you can try if you want to overcome avoidance coping:

• Acknowledge that You Use Avoidance Coping: One of the biggest problems with people who use avoidance coping is that they often avoid admitting to themselves that this is a problem for them.  They make excuses even to themselves.  But if you see a pattern, it's important to acknowledge the problem so you can deal with it.

• Learn About Avoidance Coping: Understanding why avoidance coping makes matters worse is important to changing it.

• Recognize That You're Using Avoidance When You're Doing It: Rather than avoiding looking at your avoidant behavior, become aware of it as it's happening.  Catching yourself in the moment is important if you want to change this behavior.

• Take Small Steps:  Rather than starting with a big stressful task or situation, start with something small and work your way up to bigger tasks and situations as you achieve success with the smaller steps (see my article: Expanding Your Window of Tolerance).

• Identify Healthy Coping Strategies: If your usual way is to avoid stressful situations, think about what else you can do that would be a healthier way of coping.  Do you know someone who deals with stressful situations well?  Observe what they do and see if you can use some of their strategies (see my articles: Mindfulness Meditation Can Reduce Anxiety and The Benefits of Journaling).

• Seek Help in Therapy: Trying to overcome avoidance coping can be especially challenging on your own.  It's easy to convince yourself that you'll deal with it "tomorrow," but tomorrow never seems to come (see my article: Starting Therapy: It's Not Unusual to Feel Anxious or Ambivalent).

Getting Help in Therapy

You're not alone.  Avoidant coping is a common issue.  

Getting Help in Therapy

Unfortunately, avoidant coping often gets worse over time as it gets reinforced over and over again.

The good news is that working with a licensed mental health professional can help you to deal with the underlying issues that created your anxiety and avoidant coping so you can overcome these issues and cope in a healthier way.

Once you deal with issues as they develop, you can feel more confident and live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples, and I have helped many people to overcome trauma, anxiety and avoidant coping (see my article:  What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Treating Sexual Compulsivity in Sex Therapy - Is It a Sexual Addiction or Out of Control Sexual Behavior (OCSB)?

Language matters, especially in the field of mental health.  When mental health professionals pathologize compulsive sexual behavior by defining it as a "sexual addiction," they do clients a disservice.  

This article will focus on the difference between treating sexual compulsivity as out of control sexual behavior (OCSB) as defined by Doug Braun-Harvey, LMFT and Michael A. Vigorito, LMFT in their book Treating Out of Control Sexual Behavior: Rethinking Sex Addiction and treating the problem as a "sexual addiction," as in the work of Dr. Patrick Carnes (see my article: What is Sexual Health?).

Treating Sexual Compulsivity in Sex Therapy

What is Sexually Compulsive Behavior?

Let's start by defining sexually compulsive behavior.

Sexually compulsive behavior is an excessive preoccupation with sexual thoughts, urges and behavior where this behavior is disruptive and has a significant negative impact on a person's health, relationships, work and other important areas of life, including (but not limited to) the following issues:

• Recurrent sexual thoughts, urges and behaviors take up a lot of your time.

• These thoughts, urges and behaviors feel out of control to you.

• Despite repeated attempts, you have been unable to reduce or control these thoughts, urges and behavior on your own.

• Despite serious consequences, you continue to engage in out of control sexual thoughts, urges and behavior.

• You have problems establishing and maintaining relationships, jobs or other important areas in your life because of your sexually compulsive behavior.

Sexual Addiction vs Out of Control Sexual Behavior (OCSB)

As of this writing, there is a heated debate in the mental health field about whether sexually compulsive behavior should be seen as a sexual addiction or as out of control sexual behavior (OCSB).

Treating Out of Control Sexual Behavior in Sex Therapy

Proponents of the sexual addiction perspective see compulsive sexual behavior as similar to other forms of addiction, including alcoholism and drug addiction.  In this model people who engage in compulsive sex are seen as "powerless" over their behavior.  Dr. Patrick Carnes, who has written extensively about "sexual addiction" is one of the biggest proponents of this view.

The main proponents of the out of control sexual behavior (OCSB) perspective are Doug Braun-Harvey, LMFT and Michael A.  Vigorito, LMFT.  They define six principles of sexual health in their book, Treating Out of Control Sexual Behavior: Rethinking Sex Addiction.  Instead of viewing this behavior as an addiction, they see it as sexual behavior that is out of control.  In their view it is a sexual problem but not a sexual disorder or an illness.

Treating Out of Control Sexual Behavior in Sex Therapy

Other proponents of the OCSB view, like Dr. Neil Cannon, see sexual compulsivity as being related to unresolved trauma, unresolved mental health issues, relationship issues and problematic habits.

Treating Out of Control Sexual Behavior in Sex Therapy

OCSB is not a diagnostic term.  The term OCSB refers to problems with self regulation of sexual thoughts, urges and behavior despite negative consequences.

Why Does It Matter How Compulsive Sexual Behavior is Labeled?

In my opinion (and the opinion of many others in the sex therapy field), labeling someone who engages in compulsive sexual behavior as an "addict" is harsh and shame inducing.  

Treating Out of Control Sexual Behavior in Sex Therapy

People who are labeled in such a shame-inducing way are often too embarrassed to admit they have a problem or to get professional help.

Unlike drug and alcohol misuse, people who engage in sexually compulsive behavior cannot be expected to give up having sex so labeling behavior as a sexual addiction is counterproductive to resolving the problem.

Getting Help For Sexually Compulsive Behavior

If you are struggling with sexual compulsivity, you're not alone.  Help is available to you.

Depending upon the particular circumstances, sexually compulsive behavior can be treated in individual sex therapy or in couples therapy with a sex therapist.

Working with a sex positive sex therapist who treats sexual compulsivity as out of control sexual behavior (OCSB) rather than as an addiction is affirming to your sexual health and overall well-being.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

I have helped many clients to overcome psychological trauma (see my article: What is Trauma Therapy?

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What is Sexual Health?

According to Doug Braun-Harvey, LMFT, co-author with Michael A. Vigorito, LMFT of Treating Out of Control Sexual Behavior: Rethinking Sex Addiction and co-founder of The Harvey Institute, sexual health is comprised of six principles which include safety as well as pleasure.  

These six principles will be the focus of this article.

Sexual Health includes Safety and Pleasure

The concept that sexual health includes both safety and pleasure is different from what is taught in most sex education programs in the United States.

Unfortunately, most education programs limit sex ed to protection against sexually transmitted infections and unwanted pregnancy.  

But sexual health is so much more than that--it includes sexual pleasure.

The Six Principles of Sexual Health

The Harvey Institute identifies six principles of sexual health:

• Consent: Sexual health must be consensual.  Consent means that sex is voluntary between willing partners who are of age and able to give enthusiastic consent to sex.  Non-consent involving children often occurs in the home with relatives or family friends in the form of sexual abuse, sexual assault and rape.  With regard to consenting adults, it's important to establish consent at each step of sexual activity so that there can be safety and pleasure for everyone involved (see my article: What is Sexual Consent?).

• Non-Exploitative: Sexual exploitation is when someone uses their power and control over someone else to have sex.  Exploitation includes unwanted harsh behavior to dominate and take sexual advantage of someone who is unable to give consent, including children and people who have physical or cognitive disabilities.  Exploitation often involves alcohol or drugs to coerce people to have sex.

• Honest: Sexual health requires honesty between sexual partners. Communication is open and direct with all sexual partners.  Honesty involves being open about sexual pleasure, health, sexual experiences and sexual education. 

• Shared Values: Sexual values identifies a person's ethics and sexual standards which can differ based on a person's culture.  For instance, a person's values can differ with regard to the first sexual experience based on their particular culture.  When people get involved sexually, each person can have different values regarding particular sex acts or sexual turn-ons.  Sexual health involves people having open and honest communication about their sexual values.  It's also important for children and teenagers to get accurate answers to their questions about sex without adults communicating shame or discomfort.

• Protected Against Sexually Transmitted Infections (STIs), HIV and Unwanted Pregnancy: Anyone engaging in sexual activity needs to be protected from STIs, HIV and unwanted pregnancy.  Protection includes the use of condoms, birth control, adherence to HIV medication, taking PrEP (pre-exposure prophylaxis). Sex education about these issues needs to be medically accurate (fewer than 20 states in the United States requires sex education to be medically accurate).  

• Pleasure: Whether sex involves solo activity or partnered sex, sexual pleasure is a primary motivator to have sex.  Throughout the lifespan sexual health is a matter of balancing safety/responsibility with pleasure.  Sexual pleasure includes remaining curious about different ways of enjoying sex.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapy.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and people in relationships.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationship Skills: How to Develop Self Awareness Skills to Improve Your Relationship

This is the third in a series of articles about developing self awareness as a relationship skill 

See my articles: 

Relationship Skills: What is Self Awareness?

Why is Self Awareness Important to You as an Individual and in Your Relationship?  

In this article, I'm focusing on how to develop these skills.

Developing Self Awareness Skills to Improve Your Relationship

How to Develop Self Awareness Skills

There are many ways to develop self awareness skills.  Here are some tips:

• Get Curious About Yourself: Becoming curious about yourself is the first step in developing self aware.  This is the best way to get ready to explore your inner world and to become more psychologically aware.  By getting curious, you're also opening up to self discovery.

• Allow Yourself to Open Up to New Experiences: Whether the new experiences include taking an improv class or traveling to a country where you've never gone before, allowing yourself to try something new and interesting can provide you with the kind of experience where you learn about yourself.  You can share these experiences with your partner or you can experience them on your own (see my article: Being Open to New Experiences).

Open Up to New Experiences

• Write in a Journal: People who journal on a regular basis are able to reflect on and learn about their thoughts, emotions and behavior.  Taking the time to write in a journal can help you to develop insight into yourself.  Journaling is having an inner dialogue with yourself (see my articles: The Benefits of Journaling).

• Practice Mindfulness Meditation: Observing your thoughts and emotions without judgment is a good way to develop self awareness.  When you quiet your mind and just allow thoughts and emotions to flow, you're able to enter into your inner world.  If you find yourself distracted, you can just observe the distracting thoughts and then let them go (see my article: The Mind-Body Connection and Mindfulness Meditation and The Benefits of Meditation).

• Attend Psychotherapy:  One of the best ways to get to know yourself is by attending therapy--whether it's individual therapy or couples therapy.  You'll learn about yourself in ways that no other process provides.  Experiential therapy, which focuses on the mind-body connection, is the most effective type of therapy (see my article: Why Experiential Therapy is More Effective Than Regular Talk Therapy).

Using Your Self Awareness Skills to Improve Your Relationship

Talking to your partner and sharing your thoughts and emotions with each other can increase emotional intimacy between you.  When I say talking, I'm referring to face-to-face talking--not texting, which is not intimate at all and often leads to misunderstandings.

Share Your Thoughts and Feelings With Your Partner

Although it can be frightening, especially if you're sharing more vulnerable emotions, you can strengthen the bonds between you and your partner by allowing your partner to experience you on a deeper level (see my article: Vulnerability as a Strength in a Relationship).

Sharing yourselves builds trust and strengthens your relationship in a meaningful way. 

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapists who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationship Skills: Why is Self Awareness Important to You as an Individual and in Your Relationship?

In my last article, Relationship Skills: What is Self Awareness?, I began a discussion about self awareness and how it begins to develop in basic ways during childhood with the help of a primary caregiver.  

In this article, I'm focusing on adult relationships and why self awareness is an important relationship skill for you as an individual as well as for you in a relationship.

Self Awareness

What is Self Awareness?

As a recap from the previous article, let's define self awareness again.

Self awareness is the ability to:

• tap into your own feelings, thoughts and actions
• recognize your own strengths and challenges
• recognize how your feelings, thoughts and actions affect how you feel about yourself and others
• recognize other people's emotional needs and feelings
• recognize how you affect others
• recognize how other people see you (seeing yourself from their perspective)

Why is Self Awareness Important to You as an Individual?

Before we discuss why self awareness is important to a relationship, let's first discuss why it's important to you as an individual--regardless of whether you're in a relationship or not:

• Being able to identify your own thoughts, emotions and behavior allows you to grow as an individual.

• Being aware of your thoughts, emotions and behavior allows you to feel responsible for your overall well-being rather than relying completely on someone else.

• Being self aware allows you to be more aware of what you want and what you don't want.

• Having greater self awareness allows you to look at your own patterns so you don't continue to make the same mistakes over and over again.  Instead, you're able to observe yourself so you can grow from your experiences and make necessary changes.

• Being aware of patterns that haven't worked before allows you to reflect on what might work better in similar situations in the future.

Why is Self Awareness Important to You When You're in a Relationship?

• Being self aware is key to being in a healthier and happier relationship.

• Being self aware helps you to be attuned to your partner.

• Being self aware and attuned to yourself and your partner will help you to be more aware of how your actions will impact your partner, yourself and the relationship.

• Self awareness will help you to be more compassionate towards yourself and to your partner.

• Self awareness allows you to set boundaries with others because you're aware of what you want, what your partner wants and what you think will work best for the relationship (see my article: Setting Healthy Boundaries in Your Relationship).

Next article

In my next article, I'll focus on how to become more self aware.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.