What's the Difference Between Functional and Dysfunctional Anxiety?

In her TV documentary, "Atlas of the Heart," Dr. Brene Brown, who is a social worker, professor and a researcher of emotions, describes the difference between functional anxiety and dysfunctional anxiety (see my articles: What's the Difference Between Fear and Anxiety? and  Getting Help in Therapy For Anxiety).

Functional vs Dysfunctional Anxiety

What Are Common Symptoms of Anxiety?

Before I get into the difference between functional and dysfunctional anxiety, let's first go over some of the common symptoms of anxiety.

Everyone experiences anxiety in their own way, but here are some common symptoms:

• Feeling tension in the body
• Experiencing muscle aches, including headaches, stomachaches and other types of pain
• Feeling shaky
• Experiencing difficulty with breathing or loss of breath
• Feeling restless, wound-up or on edge
• Feeling irritable
• Feeling easily fatigued
• Having sleep problems including problems falling or staying asleep

Functional Anxiety

According to Dr. Brown, functional anxiety tells you something you need to know.  It's similar to an alarm clock that signals you to pay attention.  

For instance, if you are due to give a presentation, you might feel anxiety which is the signal to prepare for your presentation.  

Functional Anxiety Can Help You to Prepare For a Task

Another example is the anxiety you might feel as tax time is getting near and you know you have to collect your tax information so you can see your accountant.  

With functional anxiety, once you do what you need to do, the anxiety goes away.

Usually, you don't need to attend psychotherapy for functional anxiety as long as you use it to accomplish what needs to get done and then the anxiety dissipates (see my article: Self Help Tips For Anxiety).

Dysfunctional Anxiety

Unlike functional anxiety, dysfunctional anxiety is anxiety you experience that you can't use.  

Dysfunctional Anxiety

Dysfunctional anxiety can keep you uncomfortable for a long time.  You might feel it for weeks, months or even years.  

This type of anxiety keeps churning inside you. 

This is the type of anxiety where you can benefit from seeking help in therapy because this anxiety doesn't go away.

Dysfunctional anxiety is often related to unresolved trauma, as I will explain below.

How Does Experiential Psychotherapy Help to Overcome Dysfunctional Anxiety?

Psychotherapy can help you to understand why you're feeling anxious. 

People often feel dysfunctional anxiety because of past traumatic events that were overwhelming. 

Experiential Therapy Can Help to Overcome Dysfunctional Anxiety

For instance, if you experienced psychological trauma when you were a child and you weren't treated for it in therapy, this unresolved trauma can get triggered again when you're an adult (see my articles: How Past Unresolved Trauma Lives on in the Present and Reacting to the Present Based on Your Traumatic Past).

Experiential therapy, like EMDR, Somatic Experiencing and AEDP are mind-body oriented therapies (see my article: Experiential Therapy and the Mind-Body Connection: The Body Provides a Window Into the Unconscious Mind).

These types of therapy often work better than regular talk therapy to overcome dysfunctional anxiety (see my article: Why Experiential Therapy is More Effective. Than Regular Talk Therapy to Overcome Trauma).

With experiential therapy, after you have learned  coping strategies for dysfunctional anxiety, if your anxiety is related to unresolved trauma, you can work through past trauma so that it's no longer an issue for you.

The Benefits of Experiential Therapy

The benefits of experiential therapy to deal with anxiety is that it helps you to:

• identify triggers related to the past that you're feeling now

• develop the skills to tell yourself if what you're feeling was something that occurred in the past and not now (see my article: Overcoming Unresolved Trauma: Separating "Then" From "Now")

• develop coping strategies to deal with dysfunctional anxiety

• work through unresolved trauma so it no longer gets triggered

Conclusion

Anxiety isn't always a bad thing.  

Functional anxiety is positive because it acts as a signal for you to take care of something. With functional anxiety, once you have taken care of it, your anxiety is gone.

Unlike functional anxiety, dysfunctional anxiety doesn't help you. You can't use it to spur you to take care of something that needs to be done.

Dysfunctional anxiety doesn't go away on its own.

Since it doesn't go away, you need to seek help from a licensed mental health professional who helps clients to overcome dysfunctional anxiety.

Experiential therapy tends to be more effective than regular talk therapy to overcome dysfunctional anxiety and trauma.

If your anxiety is related to unresolved psychological trauma, your best option is to work with an experiential psychotherapist who is a trauma specialist (see my article: What is Trauma Therapy?).

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapy.

I am a trauma specialist and I have helped many clients to work through unresolved trauma so it no longer affects their life.

To find out more about me, visit my website where I have articles about how I work with anxiety and trauma: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist).

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

11 Ways to Become a More Creative Person

In my article, The Joy of Becoming More Playful As An Adult, I discussed how playing can help you to be a more creative person.  In this article, I'm focusing on creativity and things you can do to inspire your creativity.

Become a More Creative Person

Things You Can Do to Inspire Your Creativity

• Tap Into Your Unconscious Mind Using Stream of Consciousness Writing: In her book, The Artist's Way, Julia Cameron writes about doing stream of consciousness writing when you wake up in the morning.  She calls it the Morning Pages.  This process also goes by other names, including free associative writing.  With any type of free associative writing you're allowing yourself to just write down whatever comes to mind. You're not editing it or assessing it. You're just allowing your thoughts to flow. This will eventually tap into your unconscious mind so you can access your creativity. 

• Welcome Boredom: People usually try to avoid being bored by filling up their time with all kinds of activity, including spending time scrolling through social media.  But instead of trying to avoid boredom, embrace it.  People often get their best ideas when they're bored (see my article: How Boredom Can Lead to Greater Creativity).

• Use Your Dreams: Dreams can be a great source of creativity. You can give yourself a  suggestion just before going to sleep that you want creative ideas for a project you're working on. This is called dream incubation (see my articles: Dream Incubation - Planting Seeds, Embodied Imagination and Dreamwork and Working With Dreams to Develop Your Creative Imagination).

Use Your Dream to Develop Your Creativity

• Develop Your Intuition: There are lots of ways to develop your intuition. Many people use vivid picture cards, like Tarot cards that appeal to them or cards called Inner Active cards to stimulate their intuition which also enhances creativity (see my article: Tapping into Your Creative and Intuitive Power).

• Spend Time in Nature: Even just a few minutes of walking in nature can help you to relax and open up to new ideas.

• Get Physical: Exercising helps to increase blood flow and oxygen to the brain. It also helps to get you out of a linear mode of thinking so you can tap into your creativity.

• Keep a List of Ideas: Whenever you hear an interesting or intriguing idea, write it down.  When you get into the habit of keeping a list of ideas, you give your mind the signal that you're open to new ideas so they can begin to flow.

• Watch an Inspiring TED Talk: TED talk speakers are usually inspiring and can motivate you to open yourself to new ideas.

Become a More Creative Person: Watch an Inspiring TED Talk

• Do Something New: Try something new--whether it's going to a new place, learning about a new culture, learning a new language, taking an acting class, telling your five minute story at a storytelling show, like The Moth, or whatever seems fun and inspiring to you (see my article: The Power of Storytelling and Being Open to New Experiences).

• Look at Your World With New Eyes: Instead of seeing your surroundings in the way you always see them, look at your world with new eyes. This could mean you walk around your neighborhood and look for things you never noticed before--a decoration on a building, a flower in your neighbor's garden you've never noticed before, an unusual looking tree, a bird's nest and so on (see my article: Seeing Small Wonders All Around Us If We Just Take the Time to Notice).

• Practice Mindfulness Meditation: Research studies have revealed many benefits to doing mindfulness meditation, including developing a more flexible way of thinking. When you can think more flexibly, you can be more creative (see my article: The Mind-Body Connection: Mindfulness Meditation).

Conclusion

There are many ways to tap into your creativity. It's a matter of finding what works for you.  

Sometimes people feel creatively blocked and they need to find ways to reclaim their creativity).  

Getting Help in Therapy

If you're unable to get out of a creative rut on your own, you can seek help in therapy from a therapist who does Experiential Therapy, which uses the mind-body connection to help clients to get creatively unblocked.

Getting Help in Therapy

Working with a skilled experiential therapist can help you overcome blocks that are hindering your progress (see my article: Overcoming Creative Blocks).

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

The Joy of Becoming More Playful As An Adult

Considering how stressful adulthood can be, learning to be to more playful is one of the best things you can do to improve your emotional well-being (see my articles: The Joy of Being Attuned to Your Inner Child).

The Joy of Being a Playful Adult

What Are the Benefits of Playfulness?

There are many benefits to being playful including:

• Relieving stress
• Stimulating your mind
• Enhancing creativity
• Improving mood
• Boosting vitality
• Improving social connections with others
• Learning how to cooperate with others
• Healing emotional wounds

How to Reconnect to Your Inner Child to Play

Usually, the words "inner child" are associated with overcoming trauma.  But reconnecting with your inner child can also mean allowing yourself to remember the best times of your childhood when you had fun (see my article: Opening Up to New Possibilities).

For people who are accustomed to being serious most of the time, this might involve getting out of your comfort zone, but it can be a lot of fun (see my article: Moving Out of Your Comfort Zone).

Many people have forgotten what it's like to have fun and they find themselves in a rut (see my article: Do You Remember What It's Like to Have Fun? Try a Little Playfulness).

Here are some ways that can help you to reconnect with the playful side of your inner child:

• Put on music, let loose, dance and move how ever your body wants to move
• Ride a bike in nature
• Sing or hum in the shower, including childhood songs you used to enjoy
• Laugh (see my article: The Mental Health Benefits of Laughter)
• Live in the moment (see my article: Living Fully in the Present Moment)
• Swing on a swing in the park
• Go on amusement park rides
• Reread your favorite childhood books or find new ones you might like
• Read a comic book with your favorite characters
• Watch cartoons
• Play with little children or pets
• Color in a coloring book and allow yourself to go outside the lines
• Draw pictures
• Notice the beauty in the world (see my article: Seeing Small Wonders All Around Us If We Just Take the Time to Notice
• Take an improv comedy class
• Take a storytelling class (see my article: The Psychological Benefits of Storytelling)
• Take a bubble bath 
• Learn something new

Conclusion

There can be many physical and psychological benefits to reconnecting with your inner child so you can be more playful.

Being attuned to your playful younger self can improve the quality of your life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist).

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

How to Become a Better Partner in Your Relationship

If you're in a long term relationship, it's easy to forget what you need to do to be a good partner.  Even though it might not be your intention, you could stop doing the necessary things to sustain your relationship. 

How to Become a Better Partner in a Relationship

If you're not currently in a relationship but you would like to be in one, developing your relationship skills will help you to find a compatible partner.

Tips on How to Be a Better Partner in a Relationship

• Be Honest: Honesty is a trait that most people mention when asked what they value in a partner.  This means when you meet someone who is a potential partner that you're honest and upfront about what you're looking for so no one feels they are wasting their time. If you're looking to date casually, say so.  If you want to be in a relationship, say that.  Too many people hesitate to say what they really want in the beginning and this causes problems later on.  Honesty can come with tact and empathy for the other person, but it's better to be upfront about your needs.  Once you're in a relationship, take time every so often to talk about how things are going.  By communicating in this way, you get to address small problems before they become big ones (see my article: Be Honest With Your Partner).

• Be Trustworthy and Keep Your Promises: Along with being honest, being trustworthy and keeping your promises is another trait that many people mention when they talk about traits in a partner they want. Have integrity (see my article: Keep Your Promises).

• Be a Good Listener: Many people who are in a relationship are so eager for their chance to be able to say what they want that they don't listen to their partner. If you're unclear about anything your partner is saying, ask for clarification.  

• Practice Responding Instead of Reacting: Relationships take work and can be stressful at times.  Taking a moment or two to respond can keep a disagreement from becoming a big argument (see my article: Responding Instead of Reacting).

How to Become a Better Partner in a Relationship

• Practice Self Validation: Being attuned to your own needs is important when you're in a relationship, especially if you have a tendency to put other people's needs ahead of your own.  Although you're in a relationship, you also need to validate yourself as an individual (see my article: What is Self Validation?).

• Grow as an Individual: Many people lose their sense of individuality once they have entered into a relationship.  Rather than becoming fused with your partner, maintain your friendships, interests and explore areas where you want to grow (see my articles: Losing Yourself in a Relationship, Resist the Urge to Merge and Growing as an Individual While You're in a Relationship).

• Practice Validating Your Partner: Emotional validation is seeing, understanding, respecting and accepting your partner's emotional experience--even if you don't agee with the content of what they are saying (see my articles: What is Emotional Validation and Why Is It Such a Powerful Relationship Skill? and How to Use Emotional Validation Skills With Your Partner).

• Spend Quality Time Together: Although it can be difficult to find the time, you and your partner need to spend quality time together--just the two of you (see my articles: Creating Special Times Together in a Relationship and Spending Time Together vs Time Apart).

• Develop an Understanding of Your Attachment Style and How It Affects Your Relationship: (see my articles:  What is Your Attachment Style? and How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship).

• Express Gratitude to Your Partner: (see my article: The Importance of Expressing Gratitude to Your Partner).

How to Become a Better Partner in a Relationship

• Set Relationship Goals (see my article: 10 Relationship Goals to Create a Stronger Relationship).

• Talk to Your Partner About Sex: Many people don't feel comfortable or don't know how to talk about sex with their partner.  Sex in a relationship can change over time both physically and emotionally, so it's important to know how to talk about sex (see my articles: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex, Sexual Compatibility Can Develop and Evolve Over Time and What is Good Sex?).

• Talk to Your Partner About Money Before You Live Together: Aside from sex, money is another topic that many couples don't feel comfortable talking about. But this is such an important topic that it shouldn't be neglected (see my articles: Talk About Money Before You Get Married or Live Together and Financial Infidelity is a Major Issue in Many Relationships).

Conclusion

Whether you're in a long term relationship, just starting a relationship or you want to be in a relationship at some point, developing the necessary skills to be a good partner is important to developing and sustaining your relationship.

Just like you develop any other skill, you can learn to be a better partner.

Getting Help in Therapy

Many people didn't grow up in a family where they saw good relationship skills modeled for them.

Whether you attend individual therapy to work on your own issues or couples therapy to deal with relationship issues, you can learn to overcome the obstacles that are keeping you stuck.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to develop as an individual and as a partner so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with adult individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What is Self Validation?

I have been focusing on emotional validation in relationships in my last two articles (see my articles: What is Emotional Validation and Why Is It Such a Powerful Relationship Skill? and How to Develop and Use Emotional Validation Skills in Your Relationship).

The current article will focus on validating your own internal experience, which is called self validation.

What is Self Validation?

Self validation is when see, understand, respect, and accept your internal experience.  This includes your thoughts and feelings.

Self Validation

Self validation doesn't mean that you believe your thoughts and feelings are objectively true.  In other words, you might have a particular experience (thoughts and feelings) at the moment, but your perception might not be accurate.

You might not have all the information related to the situation and you might experience it differently when you do have all the information (see my article: Discovering That Your Thoughts and Feelings Aren't Facts).

Nevertheless, you are entitled to have these emotions given what you thought at the time. By self validating, instead of being critical of yourself or feeling ashamed, you accept that your feelings were normal given what you believed at the time.

How to Practice in Self Validation

There are many ways to practice self validation. 

Here are a few ways you might find helpful?

    Practice Mindfulness Meditation

Developing a mindfulness meditation practice can help you when you are learning to self validate your internal experiences (see my article: The Mind-Body Connection: Mindfulness Meditation).

If you're a beginner to mindfulness meditation, you can try Dr. Jon Kabat-Zinn's recording, "Mindfulness For Beginners."

Self Validation

When you practice mindfulness, you're observing and accepting your thoughts and feelings without judgment.  

This takes practice.  Your thoughts will wander, but you just bring your attention back to noticing your internal experience--no matter how many times it takes.  

In addition, if you're accustomed to being critical of yourself, you will probably do that at first.

Over time, you can develop the capacity to sit with even painful emotions without judgment (see my article: Mindfulness Meditation to Cope With Painful Emotions). 

    Treat Yourself the Same Way You Would Treat Your Best Friend

Imagine that their best friend was having the same internal experience that find difficult to accept in yourself.

Self Validation

• Would you judge your best friend?  
• What would you say to your best friend to comfort them?
• Can you try saying the same thing to yourself?

This type of reframing is called a cognitive interweave.  It's often used in EMDR therapy to work on trauma.  It's also used in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT).

A cognitive interweave is a strategy used by therapists to help clients when the clients get stuck in emotional loops that go round and round during processing in therapy. If this looping isn't dealt with, it will get in the way of the client moving forward in therapy.

    

    Recognize and Acknowledge the Many Internal Parts Within Yourself

In a prior article, Understanding the Different Parts of Yourself That Make You Who You Are, I discussed the idea that each person has many different parts, which are also called self states. 

The term self states was coined by Dr. Philip Bromberg, a New York psychoanalyst, in his book, Standing in the Spaces. 

Self states are experienced internally as different ways of being, feeling and thinking, and this is normal.

An example of this would be: "Part of me feels sad that I can't to the party, but another part of me feels glad to stay inside in the comfort of my home." 

You can fill in any emotions.  Both emotions are true and valid even though they contradict each other.  

The point is that even though people tend to think of themselves as unitary beings, everyone is made up of many different internal parts.

In terms of self validation for difficult emotions--whether it's anger, sadness, resentment, jealousy, and so on--it helps to be able to step back, as you would during a mindfulness meditation, and recognize that whatever uncomfortable emotion you're feeling, this emotion is just a part of you.  It might be a big part, but it's not all of you (see my article: Is It Possible to Feel Gratitude Even When You Feel Sad?).

For instance, many people are familiar with the concept of the inner child, a term which was  coined by Dr. Carl Jung.  The term inner child is a metaphor.

When an experiential therapist does Parts Work Therapy (also called Ego States Therapy), they often help clients to externalize these parts so the parts can have a dialogue--whether it's the inner child and the adult self or two other parts (see my article: How Parts Work Therapy Helps to Empower You).

When you can use a part of you to observe another vulnerable part, you usually feel more self compassion for the vulnerable part.  

For instance, sticking with the example of the inner child: 

If you want to heal a traumatized part of yourself that holds the emotional pain of a childhood trauma, you can tap into your experience as an adult, realizing that you are no longer that traumatized child.

A phrase I often use with clients when I'm doing Parts work in this way is "That was then" (referring to the traumatized part).  "And this is now" (referring to the adult part).  

This helps to distinguish the younger, vulnerable part from the more capable adult part who, unlike the younger child part, knows that you survived the ordeal and you're now an adult--even though you might have moments when you feel like the traumatized child.

You can imagine the adult part asking the younger part what they need.  Then, with the help of a Parts Work therapist, you can switch your awareness from the adult part to the younger part to answer ("I need to feel seen"). 

Switching your awareness again to the adult self, you can imagine that part telling the younger part that they see and care about the younger part.  Then, switch again to take that in as the younger part.  And so on.

Eventually, there is an integration of the two parts so that the younger part is assimilated and is no longer a separate part that can be triggered.

If you know that traumatic feelings are "held" by a younger part, you can more easily validate that experience.  Instead of being judgmental whenever emotions related to the trauma come up, you can feel empathy for that younger part of you.

    Remember Other Times When You Overcame Difficulties With Emotions

When you're struggling with your internal critic and judging yourself for having difficult emotions, it helps to remember other times when you had difficult emotions and you got through it.

Self Validation

It will help you to realize that you have skills and strengths you can use in the current situation (see my article: Developing Internal Resources and Coping Skills).

    Normalize Your Behavior

It's okay to have a negative thoughts and emotions.  

Instead of telling yourself that you're a "weak person" or making up a negative story about yourself, recognize that it just means you're human and normal (see my article: Changing the Negative Stories You Tell Yourself About Who You Are).

    Get Help in Therapy

Many people find it easier to validate other people's emotions than they do to validate their own.  

Often this is because their emotions were invalidated during childhood in their family of origin and they have internalized these critical experiences on a deep level (see my articles: Growing Up Feeling Invisible and Emotionally Invalidated and How Childhood Memories of Being Powerless Can Get Triggered in Adults).

Working Through Unresolved Trauma in Therapy

If you have been unable to overcome the problems that keep you from validating your own experiences, you could benefit from working with a trauma therapist (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?)

Working through unresolved trauma can free you of your traumatic history so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples and I have helped many clients to overcome unresolved trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

How to Develop and Use Emotional Validation Skills in Your Relationship

 In my last article, What is Emotional Validation and Why Is It Such a Powerful Relationship Skill?, I defined emotional validation and gave examples of how you can validate your partner's emotions.  I also gave examples of common invalidating responses that  people often make to their partners followed by an example of a validating response for the same scenario.  

In the current article, I'm focusing on the next step, which is how to develop and use these skills (see my article: 10 Relationship Goals to Create a Stronger Relationship).

Developing and Practicing Emotional Validation Skills

A Brief Recap From the Prior Article 

Emotional validation is

• seeing
• understanding
• respecting and 
• accepting another person's emotional experience--even when you don't agree with what they're saying

In other words, you're validating their emotional experience whether they're sad, angry, confused--not whether they are right or wrong about whatever conclusions they're coming to about the issue.

By validating their emotional response, you're not invalidating their emotions by

• defending (being defensive)
• ignoring (pretending not to hear them or walking away)
• dismissing (minimizing their concerns or telling them you don't want to hear it)
• rejecting (telling them they don't really feel that way)
• criticizing (telling them they shouldn't feel that way)

For a more detailed definition and related examples, see the prior article.

Developing and Practicing Emotional Validation Skills

Just like any skill, emotional validation skills require practice.

Developing and Practicing Emotional Validation Skills

Once you have developed emotional validation skills, you can use it in any situation, including with partner, friends, relatives, colleagues as well as with your self, which is called self validation.

If you're accustomed to making invalidating statements, don't expect to develop emotional validating skills over night.  Just like any other skill, you'll need to practice and there will be times when you don't get it right.  If that happens, just acknowledge it and try again.

• Identify and Acknowledge the Emotion:  Start by finding out from your partner what emotion they're feeling.  Sometimes, this might be obvious because they might have told you, but other times you might not be sure.  If you don't know, asking what they're experiencing shows that you care.  

Validate Your Partner's Emotions

• For instance, if your partner is angry with you and it's clear that this is the emotion they're feeling, you can say, "I see that you're angry."

• If you're not sure about the emotion, but you can see they're upset, you can say, "You seem angry" and if your partner is feeling something else ("I'm not angry. I'm hurt"), you can acknowledge that.

• Find Out What Triggered the Emotion: If it's not obvious or if your partner hasn't already told you the source of the emotion, ask what triggered the emotion.  If your partner is too upset to tell you, ask if it would be better to talk about it when they're calmer or just say that you recognize that something is upsetting them.

• Validate the Emotion: Assuming your partner is able to tell you what they're feeling and you know what triggered it (possibly something you did or didn't do), validate their emotion (see my article: Having the Courage to Admit When You Made a Mistake).

• For instance, if your partner is angry because you forgot to buy milk on the way home, like they asked you to do, validate their anger, "I understand you're angry because you specifically called me this afternoon to remind me to buy milk and I forgot. I can see why this would make you angry."

• This is not the time to make excuses about why you forgot the milk--unless there was an extenuating circumstance, like you got into a car accident.  But this isn't going to be the case most of the time. 

Examples of Invalidating and Validating Statements

I gave 10 examples of invalidating and validating responses to particular situations in my  last article.  But this is important enough to give a few examples here to clarify what I mean:

• Invalidating Response: Stop making a mountain out of molehill.
• Validating Response:    I understand why you feel that way.

• Invalidating Response: You have it better than most people. Stop complaining.
• Validating Response:     That sounds really frustrating.

• Invalidating Response:   I'm not going to listen to this.  
• Validating Response:      I care about you and your feelings.

Conclusion

When you validate your partner's emotions, you're letting them know that you have heard what they said and you understand their emotions.

Validating Your Partner's Emotions

This will help you to be more empathetic towards your partner, and they can also practice being validating so it will improve your relationship.  

Just saying the right words isn't enough.  You really have to be attuned to your partner's feelings so that you are sincere (a sarcastic response will make matters worse).  

Be aware that aside from being attuned and empathetic, your facial expression and body language says more about what you're really feeling than your words.  

• A caveat: No one should ever tolerate emotional abuse and certainly not physical abuse. So, if your partner is being abusive, you'll need to set limits around this behavior first.

It's not your responsibility to fix their emotions.  Your only responsibility is to validate their emotions and, if you were at fault, to acknowledge this too.

Validating your partner's emotions can help to defuse an otherwise contentious situation and it can bring you closer together.

Also see my article: What is Self Validation?.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and people in relationships.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.