Sexual Desire Discrepancy: What to Do When You and Your Partner Have Different Sex Drives

In my prior article, What is Sexual Desire Discrepancy?  I introduced this concept, which is when one person in a relationship has a higher sexual libido than the other.  I'm continuing with the same topic in this article by focusing on how couples therapy can help.

Overcoming Problems With Sexual Desire Discrepancy

Sexual Stereotypes

A common stereotype is that men have a higher sexual libido than women.  This stereotype is often inaccurate and misleading because many women in heterosexual relationships have a higher libido than their male partner (see my article: Women With High Sexual Desire - Part 1 and Part 2).

Sexual desire discrepancy (or high sexual libido vs lower libido) comes up in all types of relationships--whether these relationships are heterosexual, gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender.  

Regardless of gender or sexual orientation, sexual desire discrepancy can be a significant problem in any relationship, and many couples don't know how to deal with it.

Although some couples minimize this problem, sexual desire discrepancy is often a significant stressor in a relationship, and it should be taken seriously rather than being ignored.

Sexual Accelerators and Brakes

Often the person in the relationship who is perceived as having a lower libido is labeled by the couple as "the problem" when the couple comes for therapy.  

But as couples explore their problem in therapy, they often discover that the person who seemingly has a lower libido just isn't turned on by what the couple is doing sexually (see my article:  Understanding Your Sexual Accelerators and Brakes - Part 1 and Part 2).

Spontaneous Sexual Desire vs. Responsive Sexual Desire

It's important for couples to communicate with each other to find out what turns each of them on sexually, how they get turned on, and under what circumstances.  

Some people experience sexual desire more spontaneously while others need more time to get turned on (see my articles: Spontaneous Sexual Desire vs Responsive Sexual Desire, What is Your Erotic Blueprint - Part 1 and Part 2).

When a couple is able to open up and speak to each other about how they experience sex in their relationship, they often discover that they each require something different to get turned on (see my article: Rethinking Foreplay as Just a Prelude to Sexual Intercourse).

So, let's explore this with some examples (the examples given below are composite cases with all identifying information changed).

Talk to Your Partner About Sex

Jane and Bob were in a three year relationship.  When they talked about their sex life in couples therapy, Bob discovered that Jane got much more turned on when Bob spent more time performing oral sex (cunnilingus) rather than rushing into sexual intercourse (see my articles: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2).

Prior to this, Bob thought of Jane as having a low libido, but he soon discovered he was mistaken.  Also, based on their work in couples therapy, they changed how they engaged in sex, and he realized that her libido was just as strong as his (see my articles: Understanding Your Sex Script, Changing Your Sex Script - Part 1, Part 2, Part 3 and Part 4).

Once Bob did the things that got Jane turned on, she became much more orgasmic (see my article:  Closing the Orgasm Gap Between Men and Woman- Part 1 and Part 2).  This made sex much more enjoyable for both of them (see my article: What is Good Sex?).

As Jane and Bob became more comfortable talking about what they did and didn't like sexually and they made changes to their sex script, their sex life improved (see my articles: Reviving Your Sex Life By Discovering Your Peak Erotic Experiences - Part 1 and Part 2).

They also discovered in couples therapy that they each had particular sexual fantasies they liked to think about and possibly explore (see my articles:  Exploring and Normalizing Sexual Fantasies Without Guilt or Shame).

What If You Feel Too Ashamed to Talk to Your Partner About Sex?

There are many couples who feel too ashamed to talk to each other about what they enjoy sexually.  This can be due to their cultural background, family history, religious background, unresolved sexual trauma or many other issues.

For instance, Jack and Alice, who were married for five years, both came from traditional religious families where sex was strictly forbidden before marriage and was never even spoken about.  

Prior to getting married, they both agreed they would wait until after they were married to have sex.  They both assumed sex would automatically be enjoyable once they were married.  But neither of them had been sexual with anyone else prior to their relationship, and they both felt shy and inexperienced with each other.

Since they wanted to have children, they focused on procreative sex where the goal was for Alice to get pregnant.  Both of them thought of procreative sex as a duty to each other and their community rather than something that either of them could enjoy.

After Alice got pregnant, she wasn't interested in being sexual and Jack felt he would make Alice uncomfortable initiating sex until they wanted to have another child.  Although he felt like sexual enjoyment was missing from their marriage, he didn't dare bring it up because he felt ashamed of his need for sexual enjoyment.

As time went on, Jack secretly masturbated in the shower.  But one day Alice walked in on him.  They both got embarrassed and she quickly walked out. Afterwards, they were awkward around each other for the rest of the day.  

At night, when they were both in bed with the lights off, Jack suggested they talk.  At first, Alice was silent, but she eventually responded. She said she didn't masturbate and she wasn't sure how she felt about Jack masturbating.

Later that week, they decided to speak with their pastor about it.  Neither of them felt comfortable talking to him but, after a period of awkward silence, Jack told the pastor about the incident where Alice caught him masturbating in the shower and how they wondered if this was "unnatural" or a sin.

The pastor assured the couple that masturbation is common and not sinful at all.  Both Jack and Alice were relieved.  Then, Jack told the pastor that both he and Alice were inexperienced sexually before getting married, neither of them felt comfortable talking to each other about sex, and they didn't have anyone in their lives they felt comfortable talking to about it.  In response, the pastor encouraged them to seek help with a couples therapist who works with couples on sexual issues.

With their pastor's encouragement, the couple sought help in couples therapy.  During the first few sessions, they both felt hesitant, but their couples therapist normalized their feelings and encouraged them to talk (see my article: Why It's Important to Talk to Your Therapist About Sexual Problems).

Their couples therapist also provided them with psychoeducation about enjoying rec-relational sex and about sex scripts.  She also encouraged them to talk to each other about their sexual fantasies.  At first, Alice said she didn't think she had sexual fantasies, but as she learned more about fantasies, she realized she did, in fact, have them from time to time.

Over time, Jack and Alice gradually discovered they could change their sex script to include oral sex, which would be more pleasurable for Alice.  When they returned to their next couples therapy session, Alice was happy to report that she had her first ever orgasm.

Up until that point, they both thought Jack had a much higher sexual libido than Alice.  But, as they experimented sexually, they discovered that she just wasn't turned on by what they had been doing before they incorporated oral sex.  They also learned that many women weren't able to have an orgasm by penetrative (penis in vagina) sex alone, so including oral sex made sex much more pleasurable.

Over time, Jack and Alice developed a much more satisfying sex life together as they became  more comfortable communicating with each other and they became more sexually adventurous.

Conclusion

Many couples feel shy and awkward talking to each other due to a combination of problems.  Some of them were raised to think that sex was shameful.  Others, who were inexperienced sexually, believed that sex was only for procreative purposes and they didn't feel comfortable actually enjoying sex.  

In addition, some individuals, who have responsive desire, need more time to get turned on, so their partner, who might get turned on more easily, needs to be patient to take the time to pleasure their partner.  For instance, if one partner has been under a lot of stress and they have a hard time making the transition from their stressful day, the other partner might initiate with a pleasurable massage.

Most couples respond well in couples therapy with a therapist who can provide them with psychoeducation about sexual pleasure, help them to overcome any guilt and shame and also assist them to change their sex script.

Getting Help in Therapy

Problems with sexual discrepancy are common in committed relationships.

If you and your partner are struggling sexually, you could benefit from seeking help from a couples therapist who helps couples to overcome sexual problems.  

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships and Mismatched Sex Drives: What is Sexual Desire Discrepancy?

Sexual desire discrepancy is a common problem for many couples (see my article: Have You and Your Spouse Stopped Having Sex?).  In fact, it's one of the most common problems for couples seeking help in couples therapy (see my article: The Paradox of Love and Desire in a Committed Relationship).

Mismatched Sex Drive: Sexual Desire Discrepancy

What is Sexual Desire Discrepancy?

There are times in relationships when individuals aren't in synch with regard to having sex. This isn't unusual.  

But for many couples desire discrepancy is an ongoing problem in the relationship (see my articles: What is Your Erotic Blueprint - Part 1 and Part 2).

What Are Some of the Reasons Sexual Desire Discrepancy?

There are many factors that can cause differences in sexual libido.  Here are some of the most common issues:

• Hormonal issues
• Medication side effects
• Stress
  
• Unresolved trauma
  
• Negative body image
  
• Unresolved resentments within the relationship
• Trust issues
  
• Lack of sexual experience
• Lack of emotional intimacy and vulnerability

And so on.

Many couples who had a satisfying sex life at the start of their relationship develop problems over time (see my articles: What is Good Sex? and Discovering Your Peak Sexual Experiences).

The problem is exacerbated when couples feel uncomfortable talking about sex (see my articles: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex).

Since this is a big topic, I'll continue discussing it in my next article: Overcoming Sexual Desire Discrepancy in Your Relationship.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

If you and your partner are experiencing sexual desire discrepancy, you are not alone.  

Get help from a licensed mental health professional who works with couples.

With professional help, many couples are able to overcome sexual desire discrepancy.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How is Emotional Avoidance Related to Unresolved Trauma?

Emotional avoidance is the tendency to avoid or control the experiencing or expression of distressing emotions.  Although emotional avoidance might provide temporary relief, it's damaging in the long term (see my article: Changing Maladaptive Coping Strategies: Avoidance).

Emotional Avoidance and Unresolved Trauma

Examples of Emotional Avoidance

Emotional avoidance can take many forms:

• workaholism
  
• Alcohol or drug abuse
• Out of control sexual behavior
• Compulsive gambling
  
• Overspending or so-called "retail therapy"
• Spending a lot of time watch TV as a distraction from painful emotions
• Spending a lot of time online to avoid painful emotions
• Engaging in infidelity
• Other forms of distraction and other maladaptive behavior

Emotional Avoidance as an Intra-Personal and Interpersonal Problem

Emotional avoidance can happen both intra-personally (on your own/within yourself) when you avoid feeling your emotions or interpersonally (with others) when you avoid experiencing or expressing yourself to your significant other, friends, family and others.

Why Do People With Unresolved Trauma Engage in Emotional Avoidance?

People with unresolved trauma often haven't developed the capacity to tolerate distressing emotions.  They find it emotionally overwhelming, so it's understandable why they try to avoid experiencing or expressing these emotions, but there are consequences to this avoidance (see below).

The Problem With Avoiding Distressing Emotions Related to Trauma

Although people can avoid distressing emotions temporarily, over time these emotions can intensify and become increasingly difficult to avoid.  

This could mean that they engage in more maladaptive behavior to avoid experiencing disturbing emotions. So, for instance, if they are drinking excessively, they might drink even more to suppress these emotions.

Since the mind and the body are connected, people who continue to avoid emotions can develop stress-related physical symptoms, including headaches and other body aches, high blood pressure, etc--as well as other mental health problems like depression and anxiety.

In addition, avoidant behavior prevents people with unresolved trauma from working through their trauma, so they are continually triggered emotionally.

Developing Better Coping Mechanisms in Therapy

One of initial strategies in trauma therapy is to help clients develop better coping mechanisms (see my article: Developing Coping Strategies Before Working on Trauma).

A skilled trauma therapist can help clients to develop a greater capacity to tolerate uncomfortable emotions by teaching them coping strategies (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

Depending upon the client and their trauma, this can take many forms. For instance, trauma therapist might teach them breathing exercises or meditation techniques to help alleviate their discomfort (see my articles: Square Breathing, Grounding Techniques, Trauma Therapy and Grounding Techniques and Safe Place Meditation).

For clients who are especially avoidant, they might start with a less distressing aspect of their unresolved problem.  For instance, if there is a situation that a client categorizes as a 4 (on a scale of 0-10 with the higher scores related to more disturbance), a trauma therapist might help the client to learn to cope with that situation before moving on to more distressing situations that evoke a more avoidant response, like situations the client categorizes as a 7, 8, 9 or 10.

As the client develops the capacity to deal with the situations on the lower end of the scale, they can progress to situations higher up on the scale because they now have more of tolerance for difficult emotions (see my article: Expanding Your Window of Tolerance).

A skilled trauma therapist will help clients to develop the necessary internal resources before they work on reprocessing trauma (see my article: Developing Internal Resources and Coping Skills).

Reprocessing Unresolved Trauma

After the client has gone through the preparation phase of trauma therapy and they have the necessary internal resources, they will reprocess the trauma with a therapy that is specifically developed for trauma reprocessing, like EMDR therapy (see my article: EMDR Therapy Helps to Achieve Emotional Breakthroughs).

After the trauma has been successfully reprocessed, there is no longer a need to avoid emotions because they are no longer disturbing.

Getting Help in Therapy

Emotional avoidance provides temporary relief from disturbing emotions, but this usually causes even bigger problems for the individual and their relationships.

If you tend to avoid uncomfortable emotions, get help from a licensed mental health professional who specializes in trauma.

Once you have worked through unresolved trauma, you can live a more authentic and meaningful life that is free from your traumatic history.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples, and I specialize in helping clients to overcome unresolved trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Self Help Strategies For Coping With an Anniversary of a Traumatic Event

Anniversaries of traumatic events often bring back emotions and thoughts associated with the original event.  This can include sadness, anxiety, anger and feelings of powerlessness as well as other reactions.

Coping With An Anniversary of a Traumatic Event

There is no one way to heal from trauma.  Each person will heal in their own way and in their own timeframe.  

Self Help Strategies For Coping With the Anniversary of a Traumatic Event

The following coping strategies can be helpful:

• Know That Experiencing Distress on the Anniversary of a Traumatic Event is Common and Normal:  You're not alone.  Many people feel distressed on these anniversaries.  Feeling distressed is a common response.  You might find yourself remembering the event in more detail than you normally do as the anniversary brings back memories.

• Acknowledge Your Thoughts and Emotions: Rather than trying to suppress emotions and thoughts that might be uncomfortable for you, acknowledge them.  Suppressing thoughts and emotions will only intensify them, so set aside some time to allow yourself to experience what is coming up for you and know that these experiences are common.  In addition to your distress, you might also find yourself remembering pleasant memories from before the traumatic event alongside the sad ones.  This is also a common experience.

• Be Self Compassionate: Instead of judging yourself for having these thoughts and emotions, be compassionate--like you would for a good friend or a close family member (see my article: Developing Self Compassion as an Essential Part of Trauma Recovery).

• Find Healthy Ways to Cope With Your Distress:  Whether you talk to a trusted friend or family member or you journal about what you're experiencing, it's important to find healthy ways to cope with your distress. Creating a personal ritual can be meaningful and helpful.  It doesn't have to be an elaborate ritual.  It can be as simple as lighting a candle or using an image that is symbolic of the anniversary.  Avoid negative ways of coping like drinking or drugging that will only mask your experiences (see my article: Writing to Cope With Grief)

• Try to Stay Balanced: It's easy to get caught up in thoughts of "what if" or "if only."  Nothing good will come from this, so try to bring yourself back to the present moment.  One way to do this is to engage your senses:

• What you see
• What you hear
• What you feel (tactile sensation)
• What you smell
• What, if anything, you taste

Getting Help in Therapy

Anniversaries of traumatic events can be challenging.  

If you find self help strategies aren't enough for you, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional.

A skilled psychotherapist, who specializes in trauma, can help you to work through distressing feelings.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

I specialize in helping clients to overcome trauma (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more abut me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Mindfulness Meditation Can Help to Reduce Anxiety

In my last two articles, I focused on how to reduce anxiety (see my articles: Self Help Tips For Anxiety and Getting Help in Therapy For Anxiety).  In the current article, I'm focusing specifically on how mindfulness can help to reduce anxiety (see my article: The Mind-Body Connection: Calming the Mind, Calming the Body).

Mindfulness Meditation Can Help to Reduce Anxiety

What is Mindfulness Meditation?

Mindfulness is the ability to be fully present in the here-and-now (see my article: Living Fully Present in the Moment).

Being present in a mindful way includes:

• Body Awareness:  Body awareness includes being aware of physical sensations in your body as well as your internal emotional state.  When you have developed this ability, you can regulate your emotions more effectively.

• Focused Attention:  When you develop the ability to focus and pay attention, you can focus on yourself or a task you are engaged in rather than getting distracted.  

• Self Perception:  Practicing mindfulness can also change how you see yourself.  There is some research indicating that mindfulness can increase your self esteem as well as self compassion.

• Physical Health: Mindfulness meditation can reduce blood pressure and the stress hormone known as cortisol, which makes it a potentially effective way to reduce your anxiety.

What Are Some Examples of Different Mindfulness Practices?

• Sitting, standing, walking
• Taking pauses throughout the day to be fully present in the moment
• Combining mindfulness with other practices, like yoga, breathing, and so on

For instance, if you are walking, you can focus on how you feel picking up each foot and putting it down.  Notice how each foot feels on the ground.

In a prior article, I gave suggestions about how to do mindfulness meditation if you're a beginner (see my article: Mindfulness Meditation).

Mindfulness in Practice

There is nothing mysterious about mindfulness.  Just about anyone can develop a mindfulness practice.

Once you have learned to do mindfulness meditation, you can do it on your own.

Mindfulness meditation can help reduce anxiety because focusing on the here and now has a calming effect (see my article: Being in the Present Moment).

How Else is Mindfulness Helpful?

Mindfulness can be used in many different ways.  

For instance, you can eat mindfully.  

You can also enhance your sex drive by being mindful.

Almost any activity can be done in a mindful way by focusing on it.

For instance, if you are washing dishes, you can focus on the task at hand.  Whenever your mind wanders, just bring it back to the task.  This can be calming--even if you don't like doing dishes.

Getting Help in Therapy

If mindfulness meditation isn't enough to reduce your anxiety because you have other underlying issues or unresolved trauma, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional.

A skilled trauma therapist can help you to work through the underlying issues or unresolved trauma (see my article:  What is a Trauma Therapist?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help in therapy from a qualified professional.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many clients to work through unresolved trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Getting Help in Therapy For Anxiety

It's not unusual to experience stress during the normal course of our lives. Normal stress occurs in every day life and can actually help us to be more effective and productive at times. However, compared to mild stress, an anxiety disorder such as generalized anxiety, panic disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, phobias or post-traumatic stress disorder can cause us to feel significant and debilitating distress. Without help, these anxiety disorders can interfere with our relationships and our every day activities (see my articles: Self Help Tips For Coping With Anxiety and What is the Difference Between Fear and Anxiety?).

Getting Help in Therapy for Anxiety

Common Forms of Anxiety

The following list includes some of the most common forms of anxiety:

• Generalized anxiety disorder: Generalized anxiety disorder occurs when a person worries excessively and has a feeling of foreboding and dread that bad things are going to happen. He or she might be worrying excessively about issues like money, health, or his or her relationship. These worries are often not related to a particular circumstance in the present, and they are recurring and persistent. These worries are also intense enough to interfere with a person's relationships and daily activities. He or she might have problems concentrating or sleeping. Generalized anxiety might affect appetite. These persistent worries might interfere with a person's ability to communicate or relate to others because he or she is so consumed with anxiety.

• Panic disorder: People with panic disorder often feel a sudden feeling of dread. Their heart might start racing. They might also start sweating profusely. The actual panic might only last a few minutes, but the person with panic disorder often worries about when the next panic will occur. Often, people with panic disorder start to avoid the situations, places or people that they associate with their panic. Without treatment, the people, places and situations that they avoid can increase until, in severe cases, they are too afraid to go outside (see my article: Tips For Coping With Panic Disorder).

• Phobias: Phobias are irrational fears of various things: fear of heights, fear of animals, fear of being in enclosed places, fear of flying, and so on. Similar to people with panic disorder, people who suffer with phobias often try to avoid the situations and things that they fear. This is not always possible, so when they are forced to deal with their phobia, their phobic reaction often turns into panic (see my article: What Are Phobias?).

• Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD): People who suffer with OCD engage in certain obsessive thoughts or compulsive activities. These obsessive thoughts and compulsive activities are unwanted, but the person with OCD feels compelled to do them when they feel anxious. For many people, these thoughts or activities become ritualized, so that they might have to do things in a certain order or a certain way or a certain number of times. OCD can also involve an excessive fear of germs or contamination, excessive checking (e.g., checking that the door is locked several times in a row or checking many times in a row that the gas is turned off, etc). OCD can also involve excessive hand washing.

• Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD): People who experience overwhelming trauma, possibly due to a natural disaster, a crime, a combat situation, an accident or other emotionally overwhelming events, can develop PTSD. We often associate PTSD with soldiers in war. Originally, PTSD during combat was called "shell shock." However, we now know that PTSD can develop outside of combat situations. People who develop PTSD might not experience any symptoms for months or even years after the event. Anything that reminds them of the traumatic event might cause them to feel like they're reliving the original traumatic event. They might feel panic or intense fear whenever they are confronted with reminders. For instance, if someone gets into a severe car accident, after he recovers from the accident, he might be too afraid to drive again. Or, even if he is able to get behind the wheel again, he might experience feelings of terror and dread if he has to drive to the same place where the accident occurred. Without help, PTSD can be a severe and debilitating disorder that can seriously affect a person's life as he or she relives the incident emotionally and tries to avoid anything that brings up these feelings again (see my article: Postttraumatic Growth).

Getting Help for Anxiety Disorders:
Anxiety disorders are not the same as normal stress and every day anxiety. Left untreated, anxiety disorders often have serious adverse effects on people's lives. It's not unusual for a fear that begins about a particular situation or event to generalize to other areas, causing tremendous disruption to a person's life.

For instance, if a person has an untreated fear of being in an elevator because it is an enclosed space, this fear often generalizes to fear of being on a train or plane or in a small room. Since we now know more about the mind-body connection, we also know that untreated anxiety disorders can often lead to medical problems. We also know that some people with anxiety disorders turn to drinking excessively, abusing drugs, gambling, sexual addiction, and other addictions as a maladaptive way of coping.

How I Treat Anxiety Disorders:
As a licensed psychotherapist in New York City, I use a variety of psychotherapeutic treatment modalities to treat anxiety disorders, including psychodynamic psychotherapy, EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), clinical hypnosis (also known as hypnotherapy), Somatic Experiencing, Ego States work (also known as Parts Work) and AEDP.

Each therapy is tailored to the needs of the individual client.

After the initial evaluation, I work collaboratively with the client to come up with the treatment plan that is best for him/her/them.

If you think you might be suffering with an anxiety, it's important to know that you're not alone and you can get help from a licensed mental health professional.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who has helped many clients to overcome anxiety disorders (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Self Help Tips For Coping With Anxiety

Experiencing occasional anxiety is common.  At any given time at least 30% of people experience anxiety.  In this article, I'm focusing on self help tips you can use for anxiety relief (see my articles:  What is the Difference Between Fear and Anxiety? , Coping with Anticipatory Anxiety and Tips to Cope With Chronic Worrying).

Coping With Anxiety

Common Symptoms of Anxiety

Let's start by defining some of the symptoms of anxiety:

• Feeling nervous, restless or tense
• Having a sense of impending danger, panic or doom
• Having problems concentrating on anything other than your present worry
• Wanting to avoid anything that triggers your worry
• Having an increased heart rate
• Having problems sleeping (either falling or staying asleep)
• Trembling
• Sweating
• Breathing rapidly (hyperventilation)
• Having gastrointestinal (GI) problems

Common Forms of Anxiety

Here are some common forms of anxiety:

• Generalized Anxiety

• Panic Attacks (see my article: Tips on Coping With Panic Attacks)

• Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (see my article: Reacting to the Present Based on Your Past and Experiential Therapy, Like EMDR, Can Achieve Emotional Breakthroughs)

• Social Anxiety (see my article: Overcoming Social Anxiety)

• Adult Separation Anxiety (see my article: Overcoming Adult Separation Anxiety)

• Agoraphobia

• Phobias (see my article:What Are Phobias?)

Self Help Tips For Coping With Anxiety

If you experience occasional anxiety, which isn't causing significant problems in your life, here are some self help tips.

• Start Your Day With a Sense of Well Being: How you start your day can set the tone for the rest of your day and make a big difference in how you feel (see my article: Tips For Starting Your Morning With a Sense of Well Being and The Power of Creating Personal Rituals).

• Keep Physically Active: Whether you walk, dance, work out at the gym or engage in other healthy physical activity, keeping physical can be a powerful stress reliever.  Develop a physical routine for yourself that takes into account your ability to be active in a healthy way.  Consult with your doctor before making any significant changes to your physical activity.

• Use Stress Management and Relaxation Techniques: Meditation, visualization, yoga and other forms of stress management can help reduce anxiety (see my articles: Stress Management: Finding Moments of Peace and Relaxation,  Stress Management and Self Care, Mindfulness Meditation, Safe Place Meditation and Creating Quiet Times For Yourself).

• Remember to Breathe: When you're anxious, you might breathe in a shallow way, which can increase anxiety.  So you could benefit from being aware of your breathing and using relaxing breathing techniques (see my article: Square Breathing).

• Make Sleep a Priority: Most people need 7-8 hours of sleep per night (see my articles: Tips For Better Sleep and Conquering Your Nightmares).

• Spend Time in Nature: Spending time in green places can help relieve stress and anxiety (see my article: Walking in Nature Can Improve Your Mood).

• Eat a Balanced Diet: A balanced diet incorporates fruits, vegetables, whole grains and proteins.  Always consult with your doctor before changing your diet.

• Reduce or Avoid Alcohol: The stimulative effect of alcohol can increase anxiety, so be aware of how much you're drinking (see my articles: Overcoming the Temptation to Use "Liquid Courage" to Cope With Social Situations).

• Avoid Recreational Drugs: Certain recreational drugs can increase anxiety, including cannabis.  

• Cut Back or Eliminate Caffeinated Beverages: Caffeine can make anxiety worse, so be aware of your caffeine intake and take steps to either reduce or eliminate caffeinated beverages.

• Quit Smoking: Nicotine can make anxiety worse so take steps to stop smoking (see my article: Becoming a Successful Nonsmoker)

• Keep a Journal: Keeping a personal journal can help you to become aware of what's causing you anxiety and what helps to reduce your anxiety (see my article: Journal Writing Can Reduce Stress and Anxiety).

• Identify Your Triggers: Along with keeping a journal, being able to identify your triggers can help you to deal with your anxiety (see my article: Coping With Triggers).

• Get Emotional Support: Instead of isolating, stay social and get emotional support from trusted friends, family and a significant other (see my article: Overcoming Your Discomfort With Asking For Emotional Support).

When Self Help Isn't Enough

The suggestions above can help to reduce anxiety, but when you're experiencing persistent anxiety self help might not be enough.  

In my next article, I'll discuss how psychotherapy can help you to overcome anxiety (see my article: Getting Help in Therapy For Anxiety).

Getting Help in Therapy

Anxiety can reduce the quality of your life and overall sense of well-being.

If anxiety is a persistent problem, seek help from a licensed mental health professional.

Getting help in psychotherapy for your anxiety can improve the quality of life for you and for your loved ones who might be affected by your anxiety, so don't hesitate to seek help (see my article: Your Anxiety or Depression Could Be Having a Negative Impact on Your Loved Ones).

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to overcome persistent anxiety.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.