Midlife Transitions: Reassessing Your Life - Part 1

In a prior article, Living Authentically - Aligned With Your Values, I discussed that people come to therapy because they're living lives that aren't aligned with their core values.  In this article, I'm focusing on a particular time in life, midlife, when people often reassess their lives and discover that they're not living the life that they want to live, and they're faced with the challenge of making changes so that they'll lead a more fulfilling life (see my article: Making Changes).

Midlife Change

Some people refer to this stage in life as "a midlife crisis" and for many people it does feel like a crisis, but not everyone responds to it in that way.

For many people, midlife, roughly defined from about age 40-60+, is viewed as a transitional time to assess how they're living their life now and how they want to live the rest of their life, especially if they're unhappy with where they are now (see my article: Navigating Life's Transitions)


Defining Midlife Transition
Let's start by defining what we mean by this transitional time in midlife, which can include:

• Questioning the meaning of life
• Questioning how you've been living your life and major decisions you've made in the past, which could include relationships, career and other major life decisions
• Questioning your faith/religion or lack of faith/religion
• Being preoccupied about aging and death
• Feeling confused about how you see yourself, others, and life in general
• Feeling bored and dissatisfied with life as it is now, including relationships, career, and overall lifestyle
• Feeling a general sense of restlessness
• Feeling a yearning to do something new and different
• Daydreaming about living a different kind of life, possibly in a different place with different people
• Feeling generally irritable and anger, which is not part of how you usually feel
• Noticing age-related changes in your body, including weight gain, hair loss, wrinkles, menopausal symptoms and other age-related changes
• Feeling less attractive
• Feeling a loss of confidence
• Acting out with alcohol, drugs, gambling, overspending, food or with a sexual affair
• Lack of libido with your partner or spouse
• Feeling nostalgic for a time when you were younger
• Daydreaming about "the one who got away" (a former romantic interest)
• And other related reactions

Not everyone who has some of the experiences listed above is going through a midlife crisis.

Much will depend on how you respond to the need for change.

Some people experience it as exhilarating and filled with new possibilities.

Other people respond with fear (see my articles: Fear of Change and Making Changes Within Yourself to Live the Life You Want).

Why Do People Go Through Midlife Transition?
Going through a midlife transition is a natural part of being human.

For some people, it occurs because of a major change in their lives or a major change in someone close to them, which could include:

• Losing a job
• Coping with a major illness
• Coping with a problem with a spouse or partner, including infidelity or other forms of betrayal
• Going through a divorce or breakup of a relationship
• Death of a parent or sibling
• Death of a spouse or significant other
• Death of a child
• Losing a close friend
• Considering reconciling a relationship with a parent, sibling or former lover or friend
• Shocking personal news 
• Financial crisis
• Other major losses or changes

For other people, it comes naturally at a certain age or time in life when they're faced with the reality of their own mortality.

Realizing that time is precious, they question how they want to spend the rest of their life so that they don't look back with regret about what they "could've" or "would've" done and didn't do.

Even though going through a midlife transition can be challenging and confusing, the alternative, which  would be living life in a mindless way without taking time to reassess your life, is more challenging in the long run and can lead to regret in old age without recourse for change at that point (see my article: Moving Out of Your Comfort Zone).

I'll continue this discussion in my next article with a scenario that illustrates some of the points that I've made in this article (see Part 2 of this topic).

Getting Help in Therapy
A midlife transition is usually a process.  It's not a change that's usually made in a day or a week.  It often occurs in stages and it's a normal part of life (see my article: Being Open to New Possibilities).

If you're struggling with midlife questions and issues, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who can help you to navigate through this challenging time.

Rather than struggling on your own, a licensed psychotherapist can help to facilitate this process by assessing your life so far, where you are, where you'd like to be, what you would need to do to get there and how to overcome the emotional blocks that might get in the way of your taking action.

With help, you could be navigate through this change and lead the life that you want to live.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many individuals and couples going through a midlife transition.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

Fear of Making Decisions: Indecision Becomes a Decision With Time

Many people find it difficult to make decisions about their lives, whether it involves family, romantic, relationships, friendships or career.  They approach decision making as if it is a "do or die" endeavor and fail to recognize that, with time, as the old saying goes:  "Indecision becomes decision" (anonymous quote).

Fear of Making Decisions:  Indecision Becomes a Decision With Time

Why Are People Afraid to Make Decision?
People who have a tendency to approach decision making with fear act as if whatever decision they make will put them on an unchangeable collision course with death.

But when you think about it, in many cases decisions that are made can be changed.

Fear of Making Decisions: Indecision Becomes a Decision With Time

So, for instance, if you're considering career options, rather than thinking that you'll be spending the rest of your life in a particular career, which makes possible decisions seem very daunting, you can recognize that many people change careers several times in a lifetime for a variety of reasons.

Maybe the career that they chose originally suited them at the time and no longer suits them.  Possibly, they're in a better position to do what they always wanted to do but didn't have the opportunity to do.  And so on.

Making No Decision, By Default, Becomes a Decision
You can only stand on the fence for so long before no decision becomes a decision.

Fear of Making Decisions: Indecision Becomes Decision With Time

So, for instance, if you spend your whole life wondering whether or not you want to get married and you pass up compatible romantic partners along the way, at some point when you're at the end of your life, you can look back and see that your indecision became a decision to remain single.

Depending upon how you feel about being single, that might be fine.  But if you live to regret your indecision, you realize that, by default, you chose to remain single, even though you might have done it passively.

Let's take a look at a fictionalized scenario of how indecision becomes a decision with regard to a romantic relationship:

Tom
Tom grew up in a household where his parents were constantly bickering and at odds with each other.

At an early age, Tom decided that he never wanted to get married because he believed that, even when two people entered into a marriage loving each other, over time, marriage spoiled everything.

During his senior year in college, he met Lori, a kind, intelligent, attractive woman who had many similar interests to Tom.

After they graduated college, Tom and Lori moved in together.  They lived together happily for several years--until Lori brought up marriage and having children.

Lori was already aware of Tom's feelings about marriage, but she hoped that he would change his mind  as time passed and he could see how happy they were with each other.

Tom was committed to their relationship, but he had a deep seated fear that everything would change, as it had for his parents, if he and Lori got married.

Fear of Making Decisions: Indecision Becomes Decision With Time

Over the next few years, Lori was patient and he and Lori continued to talk about the possibility of getting married.

Although his fears softened somewhat over time, Tom couldn't make a decision, one way or the other, as to whether he would marry Lori.  On the one hand, this was something that Lori really wanted and he didn't want to lose her.  On the other hand, he didn't want to ruin the good relationship that they had by getting married.

But as time went by, tension grew between them about the possibility of marriage.

Feeling that she was  coming to the end of her patience, Lori told Tom that she wanted to have children with Tom and she wanted to do this as a married couple.  She didn't want to wait any longer to have children.

Reluctantly, she told Tom that she felt his indecision about marriage was actually a decision, by default, not to get married.  She told him that she would stay with him until the end of the year and if by that time, nothing changed, she would leave.

Tom also wanted to have children and, for his part, he would have been willing to have children with Lori while they were living together.  But he realized now that, for Lori, this wasn't an option.

Feeling the pressure mount and not knowing what else to do, Tom sought help from a licensed mental health professional.

As part of his therapy, Tom worked through his fears, which stemmed from unresolved emotional wounds from childhood.

Overcoming Fear of Making Decisions

Over time, Tom recognized that his perspective about marriage was distorted by his experience of his parents' marriage, and that he and Lori had a much healthier relationship.  This allowed him to make a decision to get married to Lori and start a family.

Conclusion
When you're trying to make a decision, there are no guarantees that, whatever you choose, things will work out.

But, over time, no decision becomes a passive decision to do nothing, and that's usually the worst choice.

Like Tom in the fictionalized scenario above, many people have problems making decisions because of unresolved emotional issues that taint their decision making process.  In many other cases, people learned as children to be anxious about making decisions.

Getting Help in Therapy
One of the worst feelings that someone can have at end of his or her life is to look back and say, "If only I had…" (fill in the blank) when it's now too late.

If you have a decision to make where you have been on the fence for a while, you're probably aware that, at some point, doing nothing becomes a decision not to change, and this is probably not the option that you want.

So, rather than allow time to make the decision for you by default, you could benefit from working with a licensed psychotherapist, who has experience helping clients in situations similar to yours.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients with fear of making a decisions to overcome this fear so they could lead a more fulfilling life.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Allowing Yourself to Feel Your Feelings So You Can Heal

As a psychotherapist, many clients tell me that, before they came to therapy, they tried to suppress painful feelings because they were afraid that they would be overwhelmed.  But, as most people discover, when you try to suppress painful feelings, these feelings actually intensify.  So, in order to heal emotionally, you need to allow yourself to feel your feelings, and if you find this too difficult to do on your own, you can work with a psychotherapist who is trained to help clients through this healing process.

Allowing Yourself to Feel Your Feelings So You Can Heal

Feeling Your Feelings Can Free Up More Energy Within You
Aside from intensifying the emotional pain, suppressing your feelings also takes a lot of energy.

Many people who have worked through painful feelings in therapy realize just how much energy it took to suppress these feelings because they're suddenly aware of how much more energy they have since they stopped suppressing their painful feelings.

For many people, it opens up a new world.  They talk about feeling "more alive" and energetic as well as being open to new experiences.

Allowing Yourself to Feel Your Feelings in Therapy in a Safe and Supportive Environment
It's understandable that anyone might want to avoid feeling emotional pain, especially if he's trying to do it on his own.

If the feelings are related to an emotional trauma, experiencing painful feelings on your own can bring up memories of being alone when the trauma occurred, especially if they occurred when you were a child.

Early childhood emotional trauma is compounded when a child goes through it without emotional support from a compassionate adult.

But, for a variety of reasons, the adults in the child's environment might not be emotionally available to soothe the child.  They might be depressed or overwhelmed themselves.  So, the child goes through it alone and this adds to the child's trauma.

As a result, it's especially important for people who went through early childhood trauma to be in therapy in a supportive environment with a therapist who is skilled in helping clients to work through trauma in a gentle way.

I emphasize the word "gentle" because working on trauma in therapy needs to be done in a way where the work feels manageable and the client feels emotionally safe.

For people who have had complex trauma, "safe" might be a relative term, and it could take a while before they feel safe enough with a therapist before they can process the trauma in therapy.

Developing Internal Coping Skills in Therapy to Process the Trauma
Even though many clients who come to therapy want to "get rid of the bad feelings as quickly as possible," this is usually counterproductive because it's often too overwhelming to plunge into the deepest part of the trauma immediately.

After the initial stage of therapy where the client reveals the presenting problem and his history, the trauma therapist needs to assess the client's internal coping skills to assess his capacity to handle doing the work.

If it seems like the client will be easily overwhelmed, the therapist needs to help the client to develop the internal coping skills to do the work.  This preparation stage is a very important stage of therapy that is often overlooked by inexperienced therapists who might yield to a client's demands to start working directly on the trauma immediately.

Preparing the client to develop internal coping skills to process the trauma is called "resourcing" (see my article about resourcing).

Developing Internal Coping Skills in Therapy

In addition to having a compassionate, skilled therapist, developing internal resources gives the client the tools necessary to deal with whatever comes up during the therapy session or between sessions.

After clients have developed the internal resources to process emotional trauma, most clients say that processing the trauma in therapy feels like a manageable process, and many of them wish they had not waited to get help.

In addition to helping clients to prepare for trauma work, a skilled therapist knows how to track what's going on emotionally with the client in session and also teaches the client how to track their own feelings.

How does the therapist help the client to track their own feelings?  Well, there are many ways.  One of the most important ways is to help the client to recognize what's going on in the client's body (see my article: The Mind-Body Connection: The Body Offers a Window Into the Mind).

The body holds both conscious and unconscious emotions, so if the client is able to identify those emotions based on what she feels in her body, she will develop a greater capacity to access and identify feelings.

The Mind-Body Connection: The Body Holds Conscious and Unconscious Emotions

For many clients who have been traumatized, learning to access and identify feelings in the body is something that has to be learned with the help of the therapist because they might be emotionally numb at first.

Emotional numbing is a defense mechanism that might have been very helpful if a child was  overwhelmed with emotion and there was no one to help her.  But emotional numbing as an adult isn't helpful--it gets in the way of knowing what you feel.  It also gets in the way of having relationships with other people.

Not only that--when you numb yourself, you don't just numb the painful feelings, you numb all your feelings, including the happy ones.  After a while, you just feel emotionally "flat."

Experiential Therapy in Trauma Work
Over the years, I've discovered that regular talk therapy isn't always effective for all clients who come to therapy to work on traumatic experiences.

One of the problems with regular talk therapy for many clients, especially clients who have been in talk therapy before, is that they learn how to talk about the trauma so that it remains an intellectual experience for them and not a healing experience.

Rather than feeling their feelings, they've learned to intellectualize about it.  They can describe it and explain it and even have intellectual insight about their problem, but they still feel the same--nothing changes.

It's as if their heads are separated experientially from their bodies, which makes it difficult to access their emotions.

There are different types of experiential therapy that, in my professional opinion, are better for processing emotional trauma than talk therapy, and these include:  EMDR, Somatic Experiencing, Coherence Therapy and clinical hypnosis (see my article: Experiential Therapy Helps to Achieve Emotional Breakthroughs).

Choosing a Psychotherapist
One of the best predictors of a good outcome in therapy is a good therapeutic rapport between the client and the therapist.

When you first meet a psychotherapist for a consultation, it's important to be able to distinguish your general feeling of anxiety about coming for therapy from whether or not you feel comfortable with the therapist (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

If you've had a significant history of emotional trauma, especially early childhood trauma, you might find it difficult to trust anyone.

This is understandable and an experienced, compassionate therapist will understand that it might take a while for you to develop enough trust to begin processing the trauma.  With the help of your therapist, you might need to spend more time building a rapport and doing preparation for processing the trauma.

Getting Help in Therapy
Although allowing yourself to feel painful feelings can seem like a daunting and scary process, avoiding feeling your emotions only make things worse.

The only way to heal emotionally is by going through the process.

Ensuring the best possible experience in therapy involves choosing an experienced and skilled psychotherapist with whom you feel a rapport.

If trying to deal with your problems on your own hasn't worked for you, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who can help you to heal and live a more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

One of my specialties is helping clients to overcome trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How is Talking to a Psychotherapist Different From Talking to a Friend?

As a psychotherapist, I often hear people, who have never been in therapy, ask the question, "How is talking to a therapist different from talking to a friend?"  This comes up often enough for people considering going to therapy that I think it's worth discussing in this article.

Talking to a Psychotherapist is Different From Talking to a Friend

Many people, who have never been to therapy, think that there's no difference between speaking with a  licensed mental health practitioner and speaking with a friend.  They feel that the only difference is that they have to pay a therapist and they don't have to pay a friend, but working on your issues with a licensed psychotherapist is very different from talking to a friend.

Let's take a closer look at the differences:

Licensed Psychotherapists are Trained Mental Health Professionals
To be a licensed psychotherapist in New York, you have to get special training.  Aside from getting a graduate degree, a therapist must have of several years of experience in the field before she can call herself a licensed therapist.

Aside from taking mental health courses in graduate school, this also includes two internships as well as a fair amount of clinical supervision.

Talking to a Psychotherapist is Different From Talking to a Friend

Psychotherapists who want more in-depth clinical training attend four more years of advanced training beyond graduate school as I did when I attended postgraduate mental health training.

Psychotherapists in New York also have to continue to develop professionally by attending continuing education courses to continue developing their clinical skills.

By the time a therapist is licensed in New York, she has already worked in the field for a while and has seen many clients.

An experienced therapist knows how to be attuned to clients (see my article:  A Psychotherapist's Attunement Can Be Emotionally Reparative to Clients).

Licensed Psychotherapists Are Objective
Whereas your friends are caring and compassionate, they're usually not objective.  They might automatically take your side without being objective enough to see your situation in all of its complexity.  They might tell you what you want to hear or they might have some stake in the situation that you're dealing with at the time.

In addition, they might allow their personal feelings to get in the way of hearing what you have to say, especially if they're dealing with similar problems.

Talking to a Psychotherapist is Different From Talking to a Friend

Psychotherapists are trained to be objective.  They're also trained to help you look at your problems from many different angles, possibly angles that you haven't considered before.  They can help you to develop new insights into yourself so that you can grow as a person.

In addition, they can help you to understand how your current problem might be related to your history.  This is often difficult for most people to do if they're not trained as a psychotherapist.

Licensed Psychotherapists Must Keep Your Sessions Confidential
Except under a few circumstances that involve either suicide, homicide or child or elder abuse, your psychotherapy sessions are confidential.

While your friend might inadvertently reveal your personal problems to someone else, your therapist is bound by confidentiality.

Also, therapists are trained to create a safe and emotionally supportive environment for clients without judging them (see my article: The Creation of a "Holding Environment" in Therapy).

In addition, many people, who are concerned about a friend or a family member being judgmental, prefer to talk to a therapist about their problems.

Licensed Psychotherapists Are Trained to Maintain Appropriate Boundaries in Therapy Sessions
Along with maintaining confidentiality, psychotherapists get training to maintain professional ethics.

An experienced therapist knows how to develop a rapport with clients while maintaining appropriate boundaries.

Talking to a Psychotherapist is Different From Talking to a Friend

Licensed Psychotherapists Keep the Focus on You
Whereas your friend might want to also talk about her problems when you already feel overwhelmed by your own, a therapist focuses on you.

The therapy session is a time and place that is dedicated to only you.  The therapist isn't going to be talking about her problems.

The Importance of Having an Emotional Support System Outside of Therapy
As I've written in a prior article, it's important to have an emotional support system outside of therapy (see my article: Emotional Support From Your Family of Choice).

It's not a matter of choosing friends or choosing to be in therapy.  Both are important and have different roles in your life.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you've never attended therapy before, you might find it helpful to read my article, How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

There are times when we all need help.  If you haven't been able work out your problems on your own, you could benefit from seeing a licensed mental health professional who can help you work through your problems so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Overcoming Impostor Syndrome

Impostor syndrome is a psychological phenomenon in which a person feels that s/he is a fraud, despite many possible accomplishments and accolades.  S/he has a problem internalizing his or her accomplishments and awards, and s/he is afraid of being "discovered" as a fraud.

Overcoming Impostor Syndrome

People who suffer with impostor syndrome usually develop this problem during childhood, especially if the they feel (rightly or wrongly) that they have been a disappointment to their parents.  These children feel a deep sense of shame.  

Many people who suffer with impostor syndrome find out later in life that they had a distorted view of how their parents and others saw them, and it was only their perception that they were a disappointment--not anyone else's perception.

The underlying issues related to impostor syndrome are often unconscious, so these issues are outside of the person's awareness.  

People who want to overcome impostor syndrome usually don't overcome this problem with cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) where the therapist tries to help the client to see the distortions in his or her thinking.  

Overcoming Impostor Syndrome

While a client might recognize logically that there is a distortion, this recognition usually doesn't change the way that s/he feels.  Often, this makes matters worse because the client can see the distortion, but s/he feels powerless to change it.

People who want to overcome impostor syndrome benefit from seeing a psychotherapist who uses a type of experiential therapy that gets to the unconscious underlying issues (see my article:  Experiential Therapy Helps to Achieve Emotional Breakthroughs).

The following fictional vignette, which includes typical problems associated with impostor syndrome, illustrates how this problem can be overcome with experiential therapy: 

Alan

Alan came to therapy because he was having problems at work.  

He recognized that, as a manager, he was irritable with his subordinates and felt resentful that he had to constantly prove himself to his superiors.  

Alan knew that he could barely keep his irritability and resentment under wraps, and he was afraid that he would say or do something to jeopardize his position, a position that he worked hard to get.

Overcoming Impostor Syndrome

When asked if anything had come up recently to make him feel irritable and resentful, Alan couldn't think of anything.  He was aware that he had been feeling this way for a long time but, when asked, he couldn't pinpoint when it started.  He just knew that the problem was getting worse.

Using a combination of clinical hypnosis and Somatic Experiencing, I asked Alan to think about the last time he remembered feeling irritable and resentful, to notice if any other emotions came up, and to also notice where he felt these feelings in his body (see my article:  The Mind-Body Connection: The Body Offers a Window Into the Unconscious Mind).

Alan remembered being in a staff meeting with his boss and subordinates a week ago and how irritable and resentful he felt at the time.  He sensed these feelings in his chest and stomach.  

I asked Alan to continue sensing into those emotions and where he felt them in his body.

As he explored how he felt during that meeting, he also realized something that surprised him--he was fearful that everyone in the meeting would realize that he was "a fraud" and he didn't know what he was doing, which is common for people with impostor syndrome.

Alan explained that he didn't know why he was feeling this way because he was well educated, he was a seasoned professional, and he was chosen over many other well-qualified candidates for the job.  

In fact, his boss often went out of his way to praise him for his work, and his subordinates looked up to him, so he didn't know why he felt like he had to prove himself.

He recognized that nothing happened in the meeting that day to make him feel like he was a fraud or to undermine his confidence.

As he continued focusing on his emotions and where he felt them in his body, it suddenly dawned on him that he had been feeling like a fraud for a long time, but he still didn't know why.

He was surprised that he had been carrying around these underlying emotions without even realizing it. The relaxing state facilitated by clinical hypnosis and Somatic Experiencing allowed Alan to access these unconscious emotions.

I helped Alan to use a hypnotherapy technique called the Affect Bridge where he could go back to his earliest memory of feeling this way (see my article: Clinical Hypnosis: Bridging Back to Heal Old Emotional Wounds).

As he went back in his mind to his first job, college, high school, and even grammar school, Alan became aware that his feelings of being inadequate were old feelings that had a long history.

His earliest memories of feeling this way were during a time when his father, who was an avid sportsman, coached Alan's Little League team.

Fiercely competitive, Alan's father placed a lot of emphasis on winning every game.  His father's competitiveness made Alan feel anxious and ashamed because, although he made the team, he was a mediocre player, and he felt he was a constant disappointment to his father.

Alan remembered one particular day when his father heaped praise on the team's star player, a boy who was in Alan's class at school.  

Watching his father praise this boy was hurtful enough to Alan, but then his father added insult to injury by saying to Alan, "You see?  Johnny is a great pitcher.  Why can't you be more like Johnny?"

Although that memory was more than 20 years old, it felt fresh and very much alive for Alan.  He felt the hurt, shame and resentment as if it was yesterday.  

Overcoming Impostor Syndrome

He remembered silently telling himself, "You suck at this game.  You let dad down. You better work as hard as you can to show him that you can be a star too." As Alan remembered these feelings now as an adult, he broke down in tears.

Alan remembered that, from that day on, he practiced everyday.  He suppressed the shame and anger he felt as his father criticized him, and he did eventually get better.  

One day during a tense game with a tied score, he was next up at bat.  Even though he wasn't looking at his dad, he could feel his dad's eyes on him. He was so anxious that he could barely hold the bat without shaking.  

As the ball approached, he hit it as hard as he could.  Then, he ran before he knew what had happened and made it to first base.  Then, he heard his teammates screaming and saw them jumping up and down.  His father was signaling him to keep running.  It was only at that point that he realized he hit a home run.

As he ran, he had a surreal feeling, as if he was dreaming.  He ran as fast as he could around the bases.  When he slid to home plate, he was shocked that his whole team ran out into the field and picked him and carried him around the field.  He saved the game.

His dad was also standing in the field beaming at him.  It was the first time his father had ever looked at him that way during a game.

As Alan sat in my office, he remembered that, rather than feeling proud of himself, he felt like a fraud that day.  He felt as it was someone else who hit the home run, not him, and it was all a mistake.   

During this therapy session, Alan realized for the first time that on that day when he hit the home run, he wasn't able to enjoy his accomplishment because he felt like an impostor.

He also realized for the first time that, even though he graduated at the top of his class in high school and he had a straight A average in college, he continued to feel like an impostor no matter what he accomplished in his life.  

But he had never really allowed himself to let these emotions come to the surface.  Until then, these emotions got played out in other ways, like feeling that his boss and his subordinates though he was inadequate, which made him feel irritable and resentment.  

But he also realized that his boss and his subordinates had admired and respected him.  So, the emotions that came up for him at work were really from his history and not related to anything going on now (see my article:  Reacting to the Present Based on the Past).

This realization stunned Alan because he had no idea that this is what was happening to him.  

In future sessions, we used Gestalt techniques where Alan imagined himself talking to his father and expressing his hurt, anger and resentment to his father.  

During one of those sessions, Alan realized that his father no longer felt disappointed in him and that Alan was living his life stuck in his memories from 20 years ago.  He realized that he was the one now who felt this way about himself--not his father.  

His father had told him many times in recent years how proud of him he was but, until now, Alan never connected this to his underlying distorted feelings that he continued to be a disappointment to his father and that, no matter what he accomplished, he felt like a fraud and an impostor.

But as we continued to explore these issues, Alan realized that he didn't completely feel this way all the time.  Only a part of him felt this way.  

So we did "parts work" (also called Ego States work) for Alan to experience the part of him that felt like an impostor and the other parts of him that didn't.  

Parts work, which is another experiential type of therapy, allows for emotional integration so that, over time, the part of him that felt like a fraud and an impostor softened.  

Overcoming Impostor Syndrome

As we continued to do parts work, Alan no longer felt like an impostor.  He felt genuinely confident in himself.

Conclusion

People who experience impostor syndrome are often highly accomplished men and women who, despite their accomplishments and praise from others, feel like they're a fraud.  They often live in fear of being "found out" and "exposed" by others.

Impostor syndrome is usually unconscious and can begin at a young age.  

People who suffer with impostor syndrome might be able to recognize that their thoughts about themselves are distorted, but knowing this usually doesn't change it.  In fact, it can often create more angst as they try to reconcile what they know logically to what they feel emotionally.  

This is why cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) is often ineffective in helping clients to overcome impostor syndrome.  CBT doesn't get to the underlying unconscious experiences that are at the root of this psychological phenomenon.

Experiential therapy, such as clinical hypnosis, Somatic Experiencing, EMDR and other experiential types of therapy allow clients to access these unconscious experiences and to work through these issues.

Getting Help in Therapy

Impostor syndrome isn't listed in the American Psychiatric Association's Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM), but it is a real experience, and it is more common than most people realize.

If you feel like "a fraud," despite objective evidence to the contrary, and you fear being found out, you might be suffering with impostor syndrome.

Rather than continuing to live with this burden, you could benefit from getting help from a licensed mental health professional who has an expertise in experiential therapy so that you can live free yourself from this psychological phenomenon.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

  

Learning How to Stop Creating Chaos in Your Life

In a prior article, Do You Have a Pattern of Creating Chaos in Your Life?,  I began a discussion about people who unconsciously create chaos in their lives, and I  gave some examples in everyday life with regard to relationships, money issues, family problems and other related issues.

Learning How to Stop Creating Chaos in Your Life

As I mentioned in the prior article, most people who develop self awareness that they're creating chaos in their lives want to stop, but they don't know how.

In this article, I've given a fictional vignette, based on many different cases, and describe how therapy can help.

The following is a fictional vignette based on many different cases:

Ed
By the time Ed came to therapy, he was ending an on again/off again relationship for the fifth time and considering reconciling with his girlfriend once again (see my article:  The On Again/Off Again Relationship).

Learning How to Stop Creating Chaos in Your Life

He was considering reconciling with his girlfriend once again even though nothing had changed between them, they disagreed about important fundamental areas in their lives, and they frequently argued.

Despite their problems, Ed felt very lonely without his girlfriend and a part of him would have rather remained in this dysfunctional relationship than spend time alone (see my article:  Are Your Fears of Being Alone and Lonely Keeping You in an Unhappy Relationship?)

He was also behind in his bills and he was receiving delinquency notices.

Ed acknowledged that he made a good salary and he had the money to pay his bills, so he wasn't sure why he allowed his debts to pile up.

Ed felt that his life was out of control and completely unmanageable, but he didn't know what to do to change things.

During the first therapy session, Ed was flooded with anxiety and needed constant redirection because his anxiety caused him to jump from one topic to the next.

As he discussed his family history, he revealed a highly dysfunctional family and he had many of the traits that are usually associated with people from dysfunctional families (see my article:  Dynamics of Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families), including:

• Approval seeking and loss of identity (see my article: People Pleasing)

• Confusing love and pity (see my article: Confusing Love and Pity)

• Confusing compassion and responsibility (see my article: Confusing Compassion and Responsibility

• Fear of angry people and personal criticism

• Fear of authority figures

• Difficulty completing things (see my article: Having Difficulty Completing Things)

Each of his parents also came from highly dysfunctional families and they seemed to unknowingly repeat patterns from their families just as Ed was also unconsciously repeating patterns from his family.

Not only was Ed deeply ashamed of himself and his family background, but he was ashamed to be coming to therapy.

He felt like he must be "weak to need therapy" (see my article: Overcoming Shame: Is Shame Keeping You From Starting Psychotherapy?).

He was very surprised when I told him that people who seek help in therapy are often the healthiest people in their families (see my article:  Why It's Often the Healthiest Person in a Dysfunctional Family Who Comes to Therapy).

Ed felt so overwhelmed by his problems that he didn't know where to begin, so we began by breaking down his problems into manageable pieces so that he could begin to tackle the most pressing issues, including paying his bills.

Deep down, Ed knew that his relationship with his ex was very unhealthy for him.  He also admitted that he knew nothing would change and they would just end up breaking up again because they were basically unsuited for each other.

So, he agreed not to contact his girlfriend and, if he felt like contacting her or he felt lonely, he would call a friend instead for emotional support and he would discuss his feelings in his therapy sessions.

We also worked on helping Ed to develop coping skills so that he would be able to calm himself when he felt overwhelmed (see my article:  Developing Internal Resources and Coping Skills).

Once Ed was able to begin tackling some of his concrete problems, like paying his bills on time, and he developed techniques for managing his stress, we began to work on the unconscious issues related to his family of origin that he was recreating in his life (see my article: Psychotherapy: Making the Unconscious Conscious).

As we discussed how he was leading his life from one crisis to the next and the chaotic patterns in his family of origin, Ed was able to see the similarities.  But, at first, he couldn't see how he was creating these patterns.

This was a new concept for him.  Until then, he experienced the chaos in his life as things that "happened" to him--not that he was creating these situations.

As we went over each situation that had occurred in the recent past, Ed began to develop clarity about his role.  But rather than feeling self compassion, he was self critical, judgmental and hard on himself (see my article: Self Blame and the Internal Critic).

Being critical was another pattern from his family, and it caused Ed a great deal of shame.

Not only was this self blame not helpful in the present, it was also getting in the way of his understanding the origin of his problems from the past.

We had to work on helping him to distinguish taking responsibility and being compassionate towards himself and being critical and self blaming.

As we continued to explore his current relationship to his family, who continued to be dysfunctional, Ed realized that one of the underlying issues to his repeating the pattern of creating chaos in his life was that it enabled him to commiserate with them and to continue feeling connected to them (see my article: Overcoming Trauma: When the Past Affects the Present).

This was an aspect of his problems that Ed had never recognized before, and he worried that if he got his life together that he would be, in effect, moving away from his family on an emotional level.  He had a deep sense of family loyalty, and he felt conflicted about this (see my article:  How a Distorted Sense of "Family Loyalty" Can Affect Your Therapy).

At the same time, Ed recognized that he couldn't keep living his life in the same way as he had been--he had to change if he wanted to be happier in his life.

The next step in our work was to do trauma work in order for Ed to work through the emotional trauma that he experienced in his dysfunctional family and for him to accept that he might not feel as connected to them in the same way if he wasn't creating chaos in his life.

I often use different types of mind-body oriented therapy to help clients with emotional trauma and choose the type of therapy that is best suited for each client.  In Ed's case, I used EMDR to help him work through his childhood trauma (see my articles:  What is EMDR? and How Does EMDR Work - Part 1 and Part 2).

Learning How to Stop Creating Chaos in Your Life

After Ed worked through his experiences of childhood trauma in his dysfunctional family, he no longer felt drawn to creating chaos in his life and to choosing unhealthy romantic relationships.  He was able to live a more stable and meaningful life.

Conclusion
People who have a pattern of creating chaos in their lives usually do so on an unconscious level.

Often, they come from families that are dysfunctional where they experience childhood trauma.

Without realizing it, they usually recreate the dysfunction and trauma that they experienced as children in their adult lives, including choosing unhealthy relationships.

Developing self awareness about this pattern and how they're perpetuating it is usually the first step in therapy to help people to change.

Since many people who create chaos in their lives have never developed healthy coping skills, developing coping skills is also essential.

Therapists often help clients, who are creating chaos in their lives, to break down problems into manageable parts so they can begin to deal with these problems.

In order break the pattern of creating chaos, it's also essential to do trauma work about unresolved family of origins issues.

Often, people who have taken these steps no longer feel drawn to creating chaos in their lives and they often no longer feel compelled to get into unhealthy relationships.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you think that you are creating chaos in your life and you want to change, you can overcome these problems by working with a licensed mental health professional who has expertise in this area (see my article:  How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Once you've stopped living your life from one crisis to the next, you can lead a happier life with new meaning and purpose.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individuals and adults.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Do You Have a Pattern of Creating Chaos in Your Life?

People who have a pattern of creating chaos in their lives often do it unconsciously.  They usually don't realize that they're doing it themselves and, because they have no self awareness about how they're generating the chaos, they see the problems as external or as if it's "happening to" them rather than self generated (see my article:  Hooked on Emotional Drama: Getting Off the Emotional Roller Coaster).

Do You Have a Pattern of Creating Chaos in Your Life?

There is also often a lot of denial involved when it comes to taking personal responsibility for the chaos.

Everyone has times in their lives that are chaotic, so I want to emphasize that what I'm referring to in this article is a pattern of chaos that is the result of actions taken (or not taken) by the individual involved in the chaos.

Examples of Creating Chaos:

• Reconciling with the same romantic partner where nothing has changed in a long term dysfunctional relationship that continues to be dysfunctional (see my article:  The Heartbreak of the On-Again/Off-Again Relationship and Letting Go of Unhealthy Relationships)

• Pursuing someone who has told you repeatedly that s/he isn't interested in you

• Expecting to get love and support from people who have been emotionally abusive to you (see my article:  When the One Who Loves You is Also the One Who Hurts You)

• Trusting someone who has constantly hurts, betrays and disappoints you

• Maxing out credit cards for unnecessary purchases to the point where even minimum payments are unaffordable

• Getting a shut off notice due to an overdue electric bill and spending the money on going out instead of paying the bill

• Starting and stopping a college degree due to self generated emotional crisis (see my article:  Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families Often Have Difficulty Completing Things).

• Smoking heavily with an asthma condition

• Drinking heavily despite a damaged liver

• Getting a DWI and blaming "bad luck" for the arrest

There are many other examples, but I think you get the picture.

Most people who create chaos in their lives grew up in dysfunctional families that were chaotic.  So, they usually don't see the chaos they create in their adult lives as being dysfunctional because it seems "normal" to them.  And it seems "normal" because that's how they've always lived their lives.

Breaking the Pattern of Creating Chaos in Your Life
In order to break this pattern, a person must first be able to see the pattern.

There must be enough self awareness to step back and think about why s/he is having so many problems.

This isn't easy to do, especially if chaos has been a lifelong experience.

Do You Have a Pattern of Creating Chaos in Your Life?

The person who creates chaos often doesn't see that s/he is unconsciously recreating their dysfunctional childhood in their adult life.

Very often what happens is that life gets so out of control that the person who creates chaos is either forced to seek help (i.e., court mandated) or his or her life becomes to unbearable that s/he seeks help in therapy.

In my next article, I'll provide a vignette to show how this pattern develops and how therapy can help.

Getting Help in Therapy
On a conscious level, most people don't want to live a chaotic life.

For people who are stuck in this pattern of creating chaos, they often see problems that they unknowingly create as things that "happen to" them.

Getting Help in Therapy:  Learn to Stop Creating Chaos in Your Life

If you know or suspect that you might be creating chaos in your life and you're ready to change, you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed mental health professional who understands the underlying unconscious dynamics and who can help you to change longstanding patterns.

Psychotherapy can help you to develop a greater sense of self awareness, new coping skills and a new way to live your life so that's stable and fulfilling.

By getting help in therapy, rather than living your life from one emotional crisis to the next, you could be leading a happier life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.