Creative Solutions to Problems Using the Mind-Body Connection in Therapy

The topic that I've been focusing on lately is "Learning to Stay Calm During Uncertain Times."  My prior blog articles were Learning to Stay Calm During Uncertain Times - Part 1, where I discussed that stress and anxiety are common responses to uncertain times.  I also wrote Learning to Stay Calm During Uncertain Times - Part 2: Self Help Tips.  

In today's article, I will discuss how I help psychotherapy clients, who are dealing with stress and uncertainty, come up with creative solutions to their problems with mind-body psychotherapy in my private practice in New York City.

Mind-Body Oriented Therapy For Creative Solutions in Therapy

EMDR Therapy, Clinical Hypnosis and Somatic Experiencing
Aside from talk therapy, I use EMDR, clinical hypnosis, and Somatic Experiencing with clients who come to see me in my psychotherapy private practice.  All of these treatment modalities are considered mind-body oriented psychotherapy because they stress the mind-body connection.

When people are anxious and overwhelmed with stress, they often lose touch with what's going on in their bodies.  A disconnect between mind and body can lead to further anxiety and stress.  So, rather than just talking about the problem in a purely intellectual way in therapy, EMDR, clinical hypnosis and Somatic Experiencing all allow for more of an integrated, holistic experience.

There are many ways, too many to describe in one blog article, to use these three treatment modalities.  I'll describe one way that I combine clinical hypnosis (also known as hypnotherapy) with Somatic Experiencing to help clients when they're experiencing anxiety and feel stuck in a particular problem.

Clinical Hypnosis and Somatic Experiencing: Hypnoprojectives
One way to help clients who are feeling anxious and stuck in a particular problem is to use what are known as hypnoprojectives in clinical hypnosis.  I usually combine hypnoprojectives with Somatic Experiencing.

Here's a fictionalized example:
Jane has been feeling very anxious because there's a lot of change and uncertainty in her career.  She's an intelligent and creative person under normal circumstances, but her anxiety is so great that she feels too emotionally paralyzed to come up with ideas on what to do about certain career decisions she is facing.

After I help Jane to get into a relaxed state with a hypnosis induction, I help her to experience herself as if she's in a movie theatre waiting for the movie to begin.  As she's waiting for the movie to start, I help her to feel herself in her body as well as enjoy the experience of sitting in a comfortable seat with lots of room around her.  Everything about the experience in the theatre is just right.  Not only is it physically relaxing, but the theatre itself is beautiful.

Jane can see that the lights are starting to dim in the theatre, and the movie is about to start.  As she begins to watch the movie, she realizes that this is a movie where the main character is someone just like her who is struggling with the same issues in her career.

Using her imagination with the help of clinical hypnosis, Jane will watch the protagonist in this movie come up with creative solutions and realize that there's a message for her in this film that would help resolve her problems.

In ordinary reality, a movie is about an hour and a half to two hours long.  But the experience of watching a movie in a hypnotic state can take as little as a few minutes because what's actually happening is that your unconscious mind is coming up with the material for the movie as well as the creative solutions to the problem, and the unconscious mind can do this quickly with the aid of clinical hypnosis.  The unconscious doesn't need a lot of time.  You just need a way to get into a relaxed state, which hypnosis provides, to get greater access to the unconscious.

Getting back to Jane:  She's able to access her unconscious mind and creative solutions because experiencing the movie in a hypnotic state allows her to step outside of her own experience where she was feeling stuck.

Seeing and hearing someone else, who is very much like her with similar problems, helps to open her up to her own creativity, which was there all along but was not accessible  to her in her ordinary state of awareness due to her anxiety.

At that point, I would help Jane to "anchor" whatever felt right to her in her body.  In other words, the anchoring process is where Jane would imagine, while she's in the hypnotic state, that she's placing whatever was valuable to her in this experience somewhere in her body so that she'll remember it when she's no longer in the hypnotic state.

Later on, when Jane is out of the hypnotic state, and she and I are talking about what she learned, she will have access to the experience she anchored in her body and be able to use this experience in a practical way in her everyday life.

People are often amazed at the creative solutions that they come up with during a hynoprojective.  One of the things that I like best about this particular technique, of the many mind-body oriented methods that I use, is that, rather than deriving a solution to their problems from outside of themselves, they're tapping into their own creative abilities with the aid of hypnosis and Somatic Experiencing.

As I mentioned, this is just one of many ways that the mind-body oriented psychotherapy is different from regular talk therapy.  When clients can get calm enough to tap into their own creativity, they often get a lot further than just trying to think about their problems.  This creative ability is already a part of them, but stress and self doubt often keep people from accessing it.

Getting Help in Therapy
Times of uncertainty are a normal part of life.  

If you find yourself feeling anxious and unable to access your creative abilities to work through your problems, rather than struggling on your own, you could benefit from seeing a psychotherapist who uses a mind-body oriented approach in therapy.  

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Self Help Tips For Staying Calm During Uncertain Times - Part 2

In my prior blog article,  Learning to Stay Calm During Uncertain Times: Part 1, I introduced the idea that uncertainty, at one time or another, is a common experience for most people.  We can't avoid times of uncertainty, but we can learn how to cope with these difficult times.

Learning to Stay Calm During Uncertain Times

So, I'd like to focus on the kinds of things you can do to get through uncertain times, and then in my next blog article, I'll discuss how I work with psychotherapy clients, who are going through difficult times, when they come to see me in my psychotherapy private practice in NYC.

What Can You Do to Help Yourself During Uncertain Times?

Stay in Contact With Your Emotional Support Network During Uncertain Times
During times of uncertainty, it's very important that you stay in contact with your emotional support network.  This is not the time to isolate.  Friends and family, who are emotionally supportive, can help you during difficult times, not only by being available to see you and talk to you, but also to remind you that you've gotten through difficult times before and, chances are, you'll get through this stressful time as well.

On the surface, this might sound simplistic, but looking beyond the surface, it's often true that, when people are going through a lot of stress and they're caught up in their worries, they forget just how resilient and resourceful they really are.

It often takes people who know you well, but who aren't directly involved in the stressful situation, to remind you of your strengths.  This isn't just a matter of cheer leading.  It's really about these loved ones helping you to reconnect with your core strengths, which you can lose touch with when you're filled with worry during uncertain times.

Take Extra Care of Yourself During Uncertain Times
I can't stress this enough:  It's important for you to take extra care of yourself during stressful times.  Many people do just the opposite, and this makes a difficult time even worse.

Getting enough sleep, eating well, engaging in exercise that's right for you, meditating, and finding other healthy ways to take care of yourself is essential to getting through a difficult time.

Also see my blog articles:  
Staying Emotionally Grounded During Difficult Times
Mind-Body Connection: Responding Instead of Reacting to Stress

Reconnect With Your Core Emotional Strengths:  What Did You Do When You Were Faced With Challenges in the Past?
It can be very helpful to remember a time that was difficult from the past and to ask yourself how you were able to get through that time.  Even if your current problem is very different from your past problem, there are often core strengths that you can call on within yourself that you might not be in touch with now.

For instance, maybe, in the past, you were able to step outside your problem and be more objective about it.  Maybe this enabled you to think of new possibilities or possible solutions that you couldn't see when you were immersed in your subjective experience of the problem.  Maybe it also enabled you to objectively assess that the odds of the worst case scenario occurring were very low, and this provided you with a sense of relief.

Think of Someone You Admire:  What Would He or She Do?
Sometimes, no matter how much you try, you might not be able to get in touch with your own strengths.  You can get caught up in a cycle of negative thought patterns that rob you of self confidence.

But, taking yourself out of the situation completely and thinking about someone else that you know and admire, you can begin to imagine what that person might do with a similar problem.  This could be a friend, a family member, a mentor, or even someone that you haven't been in touch with for a long time, like your high school coach.


It doesn't matter if this person isn't in your life any more.  In fact, it doesn't even have to be someone that you know.  If you can't imagine anyone you know handling the situation, you can imagine someone that you don't know personally.  So, it can a character from a movie, TV program, play or book that you admire and that you think would be a good role model for you with regard to the particular situation that you're dealing with at the time.

What matters is your ability to use your imagination in a positive way to help you tune into the qualities that you like in this person and to imagine yourself having these qualities as well.

Imagination is Very Powerful in Both Positive and Negative Ways
Just think about how your imagination can take you deeper into worry and self doubt, even when there's not much objective evidence for what you're imagining.

So, rather than using your imagination to create worst case scenarios, why not use your imagination to connect with someone or something that will help you?  It can be just as powerful and lead you out of your sense of worry and stagnation.

Also, see my blog article:
Using Your Imagination as a Powerful Tool For Change

I will discuss this further in my next blog article as well as how I help clients in my psychotherapy practice in NYC learn to stay calm during stressful, uncertain times.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Self Help Tips For Staying Calm During Uncertain Times - Part 1

At one time or another, we've all experienced anxiety that's fueled by uncertainty.  We live in uncertain times, and learning how to tolerate uncertainty and to stay calm is important to overall health and well-being.  But how can you really learn to stay calm in the face of uncertainty? I will begin this discussion today by describing this common problem, and in my next article, I'll discuss how I help clients using a mind-body oriented approach to therapy.

Staying Calm During Uncertain Times

Anxiety and Self Doubt, Fueled By Uncertainty, Is a Common Problem
As a psychotherapist in NYC, I see many clients who come to therapy because they're feeling anxious and filled with self doubt about uncertain aspects of their lives.  Unfortunately, for many people, uncertainty permeates every aspect of their lives.   This makes it difficult for them to cope and maintain a sense of emotional balance.

Uncertainty in Our Personal Lives and at Work
Uncertainty can occur in just about any area of our lives, including our personal lives and at work.    The ambiguity that is involved with uncertainty can cause a lot of stress, especially if you allow yourself to go over and over a situation in your mind trying to figure out every angle, every possibility, and every possible solution.

Worrying About Uncertainty Makes You Feel Worse
The more you allow yourself to worry, the more anxious you'll become because, in many situations like this, there are too many unknowns that you can't control, and worrying obsessively only makes you feel worse and less able to cope with the problem.

Let's take a look at an all too common example of uncertainty:
Imagine that you're dating someone that you really like. You always look forward to seeing this person, and she (or he) seems to really like you too.  All along, everything seems to be going well. It looks like this could develop into a wonderful relationship.  Usually, you talk or text every couple of days.

But then, suddenly, out of the blue, you stop hearing from her (or him) for several days.  You leave phone messages and send email, but you hear nothing.  There's only silence and a rising sense in you of uncertainty and anxiety as you wonder what happened.

Uncertainty Can Lead to Anxiety and Self Doubt
This type of situation, and the uncertainty that goes with it, would cause many people to feel anxious.  They would wonder if they were responsible, somehow, for this sudden lack of communication.  A lot of people would obsess about what they said or did during the last date that might have caused this sudden estrangement.

As Anxiety and Self Doubt Build, Even a Negative Response is Preferable to None
A clear answer is usually preferable to ongoing uncertainty, and most people would rather have a definitive answer, even if the answer is "I don't want to see you any more" than to continue to wait and wonder.

Often, in situations like this, the need for clarity can lead to making mistakes as self doubt and anxiety build to an intolerable level.

Anxiety and Self Doubt Can Lead to Regrettable Mistakes
So, let's say you're in this situation, your imagination takes over and your thoughts are off to the races:  "Maybe she (or he) started dating someone else that she likes better and she doesn't want to see me any more."  And as anxiety and self doubt build inside you, you might say to yourself, "She's got some nerve brushing me off this way!  Who does she think she is, anyway?" and you might allow yourself to get carried away by your thoughts and send an angry text in haste.

Then, a day or so later, you get a text back and she tells you that she has been home very sick with a nasty flu, so sick that she couldn't even pick up the phone or write or read a text.  But the first text she saw, as she started to feel a little better, was your angry text, which made her feel awful.  She says that she'd rather not date anyone who can be so cruel, and she asks you not to contact her any more.

So, maybe you wouldn't go as far as sending an angry text, but it's not hard to imagine that many people would.  The point is that in this case and many other similar examples, the anxiety that was fueled by uncertainty and self doubt can lead to your making big mistakes because the imagination conjured up the worst case scenario.

Maybe the situation can be salvaged or maybe not.  But this example highlights the need to be able to develop the capacity to tolerate uncertainty with a sense of calm and emotional balance.

The Mind-Body Connection: Mind-Body Oriented Psychotherapy
Over the years, I've discovered mind-body oriented psychotherapy is usually the most effective type of therapy for learning to deal with anxiety that is fueled by uncertainty.   

In upcoming blog articles, I'll give you tips on what you can do for yourself to help you get through difficult times.  

I'll also discuss how I use the mind-body connection and, specifically, clinical hypnosis, Somatic Experiencing therapy, and EMDR to help clients to develop the capacity to stay calm during uncertain times.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW -- NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also see:  Staying Calm During Uncertain Times - Part 2

Overcoming the Heartbreak of a Breakup

Anyone who has ever gone through the agony of a heartbreak knows that, at the height of the emotional pain, it can feel like you'll never get over it.  All you want is relief--a pill, a potion, a magic cure, something, anything that just makes it all go away.  You don't want to hear platitudes that feel completely irrelevant to what you're going through  at the time.

Overcoming the Heartbreak of a Breakup

Finding the Right Balance For Dealing With the Heartbreak of a Breakup
Everyone goes through the heartbreak of a breakup in his or her own way.  Some people jump right back into dating immediately, wanting to just "move on" from the pain and put it behind them as quickly as possible.  But most people who do this usually discover that it's not so easy, especially if your former lover or spouse meant a lot to you.

You Can't Just Flip a Switch to Turn Off Your Feelings
Most people can't do the equivalent of just flipping off a switch to turn off their feelings.  Although no one wants to endure suffering, denying your feelings will only prolong the pain.  Sometimes, it takes a lot more time than we would like.  You might think you can just "move on," but your heart might tell you a different story about what it needs to heal.

Isolating Won't Help You to Overcome the Emotional Pain
Other people do the opposite:  They isolate themselves from everyone and vow to never date or get involved in another relationship again because they don't want to go through the loss and emotional pain again.

Unfortunately, You Can't Avoid Loss and Pain
Vowing that you'll never open yourself up to loss and pain again isn't helpful and it's not realistic because, unfortunately, loss is part of life.  Even someone who is in a loving. long term  relationship knows that if s/he doesn't die first, the spouse or partner will die at some point.  Should they have never gotten involved so they could avoid the pain?  Most people would say no.

So, how do you maintain a balance that's right for you by neither trying to push your feelings down  nor vowing to spend the rest of your life as a hermit?

Here are some tips that might be helpful:

Awareness
Burying your feelings, whether you do it by going into a social whirl, drinking too much or using drugs (which I obviously don't advise), or hiding out isn't going to help you in the long run.  It might feel good momentarily, but those unexpressed thoughts and feelings will usually come right back, sometimes stronger than before.  So, being mindfully aware, although it might be momentarily unpleasant, helps you, in the long run, to overcome the emotional pain.

Acceptance
Denial isn't going to help you in the long run.  The more time and energy you spend trying to resist the pain, the longer it will take to go through it.

Why is this so?  Because the only way to overcome the hurt is accepting it and going through it.  There's no going around it, as much as you might want to avoid the emotional pain.  While you don't need to feel these painful feelings every minute of everyday, you need to take time to allow yourself to grieve.

Often, emotional pain, similar to physical pain, comes in waves.  You can feel the intensity of the pain as it rises.  It often hits a peak, then you cry, write in a journal, talk to a friend, see your therapist, or do whatever it is you do to cope in a healthy way that helps you to deal with these feelings.  After a period, the feelings usually subside for a while until they begin to intensify again.  This could happen many times in one day.

Knowing that the emotional pain usually comes in waves is helpful.  It's rare that a person would feel 100% overwhelmed with emotional pain 24/7, just as it's rare that physical pain is always off the charts all the time.  It ebbs and flows.  Usually, when people become more mindful of what's happening to them, they realize that there are some moments that are better than others.  But it gets easier over time if you accept the fact that there will be pain, there will be some bad moments, and, in time, there will be some good moments too.

Action
Acceptance doesn't mean passivity.  It doesn't mean you accept that there's nothing you can do ever to make yourself feel better ever again.

You can take healthy steps to feel better:

• Taking extra care of yourself is very important when you're going through a heartbreak:  eating nutritiously, getting enough rest, pampering yourself in healthy ways
• Maintaining contact with your emotional support system  
• Writing in your journal 

If you've gone through a heartbreak before, at least, you know that it usually gets better with time.  You also know that you got through it and went on with your life.  You might have felt, initially, that time should have stopped when you got hurt, but it didn't, as cruel as that felt at the time.  But remember:  You got through it.

Getting Help in Therapy 
Self care and emotional support from your loved ones is very important when you're in emotional pain, but it might not be enough.  Your loved ones care about you and that's important, but they won't know how to help you work through the pain in the way a skilled psychotherapist knows how to do it.

Working through the emotional pain in therapy can help you to mourn and heal, so rather than continuing to suffer, you could benefit from seeing a licensed therapist who has experience helping people to overcome the emotional pain involved with a breakup.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to work through their emotional pain so they could go on to live fulfilling lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also, read my articles:
Letting Go of Unhealthy Relationships
Overcoming the Fear of Falling In Love Again and Getting Hurt
The Creation of a "Holding Environment" in Psychotherapy
Journal Writing Can Relieve Stress and Anxiety

Your Spouse Cheated on You: Should You Stay or Should You Go?

Many clients in my psychotherapy practice in New York City have told me, over the years, that if their spouse ever cheated on them, they would leave their marriage--there would be no if's and's or but's about it.  

Should You Stay or Should You Go?

These are mostly clients who have had problems in their relationships, but infidelity wasn't one of them. But I have found that for couples where one of the spouses has been unfaithful, many of them decide to work it out and try to regain trust.  And many clients who were sure they would leave if their spouse cheated often feel differently when they're faced with this problem.

Infidelity: Should You Stay or Should You Go?  No One Can Decide For You

Infidelity is a topic where many people have strong feelings, one way or the other.  And, of course, no two couples are alike, and no one can tell anyone else what's best for the other person's relationship.  It's up to each couple to decide.

There are many individuals who decide to try to work out their marriage even after the other spouse has cheated.  Often, this is a very hard decision to make because of all the emotional pain and anger involved, as well as the judgment that well-meaning friends and families have about the decision to try to reconcile that the hurt spouse has made.

Well-Meaning Loved Ones Aren't Always Helpful
Clients, who decide to stay with a spouse who has cheated, often tell me that they have looked to their friends and family for support.  But, instead, they experience their loved ones as being critical about their decision.  They hear comments from them, like "Once a cheater, always a cheater."  And this makes them feel very alone and unsupported.

Let's take a look at one possible scenario where a spouse decides to try to work out her marital problems after her husband cheated.  As always, this is a fictionalized case based on a composite of many cases so there is no breach of confidentiality:

Ann and Bob:
Ann and Bob, who were both in their 50s, were married for 25 years when Bob confessed that he had been having an affair for the last few weeks.  Bob was filled with guilt and remorse, and could barely look at Ann when he told her about the affair.  He told her the affair was over, and he wanted to stop lying to Ann about where he was going and work things out in their marriage, if Ann was willing.

Ann had no idea that Bob was having an affair.  Her initial reaction was shock.  She never would have imagined in a million years that Bob would cheat on her with another woman.  They had been "high school sweethearts," raised two children together who were on their own, given each other emotional support during the deaths of each of their parents, and stayed together through thick and thin.

At first, Ann wasn't even sure how to respond to Bob.  As the initial shock wore off, she began to feel waves of emotional pain that she felt would overtake her.  She felt like she was in a dream.  Everything felt so unreal.  She was sure she would wake up from this nightmare and everything would be back to normal. But when she saw Bob crying, she knew this was no dream, and she told him she needed time to think about what he told her.  In the meantime, she asked him to go to a hotel for a few days to give her time and space to think, so Bob moved out for a few days.

When Ann called her best friend, Mary, for emotional support, Mary was also in disbelief because, she said, "Bob didn't seem the type."  Then, she advised Ann to contact a lawyer and get a divorce.  But Ann knew she wasn't ready to do this.  She called her older sister, Karen, who was also shocked.  Karen told Ann that Ann could stay with her until Bob packed up his things and moved into his own apartment.  But Ann wasn't sure she wanted Bob to move out permanently.  The problem was that she wasn't sure what to do.

After a few days of crying and staying in bed with the covers over her head, Ann told Bob that he could come back so they could talk.  She was still filled with a lot of emotional pain and rage, but she felt she and Bob needed to communicate and she needed answers.  She felt that if he could just explain what happened, maybe she could begin to wrap her mind around this situation.

When Bob came home, he was very sheepish.  Ann could see that he was filled with regret and concern for her.  Although she was furious with him, part of her felt a certain compassion for him.  She thought to herself, "Normally, if he looked so sad and upset, I would be the one comforting him, but I can't comfort him now.  I'm so hurt and angry that I can barely take care of myself."

Bob began by apologizing to Ann again and telling her that he knew that, in having the affair, he was selfish and he never meant to hurt her.  He knew there were no reasons that could justify his infidelity.  Then, he explained, with much difficulty, how the affair began after having drinks with a woman he met at a conference, who lived in L.A. and who was in NY for a few weeks.

Bob couldn't explain what happened to him.  He couldn't understand it himself, but he knew that this other woman meant nothing to him.  And, when he came to his senses, he ended it.  He considered not telling Ann, but he knew it would eat away at him and he felt this secret would come between them, so he decided to tell her.  If he knew nothing else, he said, he knew that he still loved Ann very much, he didn't want to "throw away" 25 years of marriage, and he wanted to try to work it out with her, if she could forgive him, so they could be together for the rest of their lives.

Ann had hoped that some explanation would help her to understand how Bob, a dedicated husband and father, could stray from their marriage. But, after Bob spoke, she felt no closer to understanding it than before.  She was confused as well as hurt and angry.

As the weeks passed and they tiptoed around each other, Ann wondered if she played some role in this.  She was clear that Bob was responsible for his own actions, but she also knew that their marriage was made up of two people, and maybe there were problems in the marriage that contributed to Bob's infidelity in some way.

Her older sister and best friend were urging Ann to leave Bob.  Ann understood their concerns, but she knew she wasn't ready to just throw away their marriage, even though she didn't know if she could ever trust him again or ever get over the hurt and pain.

Feeling very alone, she began her own individual therapy to sort out her feelings.  Bob also began his own therapy to deal with his guilt and sadness and sort out his feelings about what he did.  After a couple of months, both therapists recommended that Ann and Bob go to couples counseling because it was obvious that each of them wanted to try to salvage their marriage.  Ann also stopped talking to her sister and best friend about her marital problems because talking to them only confused her more.

During their marriage counseling sessions, Bob and Ann had a chance to begin to reconcile their problems.  It wasn't easy, and there were times when Ann wanted to give up, but she stuck it out.  They began to look at the problems in their marriage that they had swept under the rug, including that they had not had sex with each other in more than five years, mostly because Ann wasn't feeling that sexual.

The work was slow and painful.  But they each had their own individual therapist to help them with feelings that came up in their marriage counseling and at home.  Over time, Ann and Bob began to feel that they could start to move on. Ann felt she could, slowly, begin to trust Bob again.  She felt that the open wound she felt as being cavernous was beginning to heal.  They began to be emotionally and sexually intimate again.  She took each day as it came, and she tried not to look too far ahead.

Trying to regain trust after a spouse cheats is a very complicated process.  For many people, there's no going back once it has occurred.  They work out their emotional pain without their spouse, but it can  affect their ability to enter into future relationships and trust again.  It's not so easy to just "move on," as friends might advise.

For other people, who aren't ready to give up on the relationship, it can feel overwhelming to sort through the many psychological layers involved.  When a couple decides to try to work out their relationship, if possible, it's best for them to be in couples counseling and for each person to have their own therapist.

Even though people who are close to you might feel that they know what's best for you, no one knows better than you and your spouse about your relationship so, although your loved ones might be well meaning, it's up to each of you in the relationship to decide what's best for you as individuals and, if  you remain together, as a couple.

Getting Help in Therapy 
If you and your spouse are dealing with the emotional pain involved with infidelity, you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed psychotherapist who has worked with this problem before.  

Most skilled therapists who have expertise with this problem will be objective and not try to steer you to either break up or stay together.  The role of the therapist is to help you decide what's best for you.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How to Choose a Psychotherapist

At various times in our lives, we all need help. Trusted friends and family members can be a source of strength and support to help us cope with difficult times. But sometimes friends and family are not qualified to help us work out our problems. At those times, you might decide to see a psychotherapist.

How to Choose a Therapist?
Choosing a therapist can be a daunting task, especially if you've never been in therapy before. How do you know what to look for? How do you know if a particular therapist is right for you? There are many different types of psychotherapy. How you do know which one would be best for you?

How to Choose a Therapist

Feeling Comfortable with the Therapist
I believe that the most important factor in selecting a therapist is whether you feel a connection to the therapist, regardless of who recommended the therapist or what type of therapy they practice.

So, how do you know if you feel a rapport with a particular therapist? I recommend going for a consultation and trusting your gut instinct.

Now, it's true that you might not feel comfortable the first time that you go. After all, it's not easy talking about personal things to a stranger. So, you might need to go a couple of times before you can distinguish your initial discomfort, which is normal, from what might not be a good match between you and the prospective therapist.

Make Sure the Therapist is Licensed
Make sure that whoever you see is licensed. I cannot stress this enough. Unfortunately, there are many people who call themselves therapists or counselors, but they're not licensed and they have no professional training.

Unlicensed, untrained wanna-be "therapists" usually do more harm than good and it's best to steer clear of them. If you're not sure if they're licensed, you can contact the State Professional Licensing board or go online. If they're licensed, their names will appear with their license number and the date of their license. Of course, having a license is no guarantee that they're a good therapist, but at least it's an indication that they meet the State's profesional requirements.

Ask for a Consultation
During the consultation, feel free to ask the prospective therapist questions about training, skills and experience. If a therapist is unable or unwilling to answer these questions or s/he becomes defensive or turns the questions back on you, move on.

How to Choose a Therapist:  Ask For a Consultation

You also want to know if the therapist has experience working on the particular problem that you are experiencing. You can also ask about their particular theoretical orientation. A therapist should be able to explain this to you in a way that you can understand without using jargon. Many therapists are eclectic, which means that they work in many different ways, depending upon the needs of the client.

During the consultation, ask yourself:

• Do I feel heard by this therapist? 
• Does the therapist seem interested in what I'm saying? 
• Other than normal anxiety that most people feel during an initial consultation, do I feel comfortable? 

You might need to interview a few therapists before you find the right one for you. And don't feel badly or that you'll be hurting the therapist's feelings if you decide to choose someone else. Any professional therapist understands that not all therapists are good for all clients.

If fee is a consideration, talk about the fee. Do you have out of network benefits that will provide you with a partial reimbursement?  

A Meaningful Experience in Therapy
When you find the right therapist for you, you are likely to have a meaningful experience. You'll have a chance to free yourself from old negative patterns that are keeping you from thriving in your life. Psychotherapy can be a rewarding, life changing experience. Good luck in your journey.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC Psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a psychotherapy consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during regular business hours or email me.

Overcoming Trauma With EMDR Therapy: When the Past is in the Present

Many psychotherapy clients ask me why they continue to feel so bad about a trauma that occurred many years ago.  Most people assume that "the past is in the past." But when you have unresolved trauma, the past is definitely in the present and can get triggered by present day circumstances.  I provided an example of this phenomenon in my prior blog article, EMDR - Overcome Trauma That Keeps You Feeling Stuck and in Emotional Pain.

Overcoming Trauma With EMDR Therapy

Let's explore this further to try to understand how traumatic memories from the past can get triggered in your current life.

A Veteran With PTSD Can Get Triggered By a Loud Noise
The example that's often given is of a veteran who comes home from combat with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and gets triggered by a loud noise, like the sound of a car back firing.

The loud noise triggers a trauma response.  Depending upon the severity of the veteran's PTSD, he or she could have a range of responses from a mild startle response to diving for cover as if he or she is still on the battle field.

The Body Reacts Before the Mind in Dangerous Situations
The interesting thing is that when a person reacts to the trauma, his or her body reacts first before the mind reacts.

This is true not only for traumatized veterans who are reacting to memories that get triggered, but also for everyone who is in a potentially dangerous situation whether it's in the past or the present.

Having the body react first before the mind when you're actually in current danger can be very useful.

For instance, if you're in the woods and a bear begins to run after you, your body will react first by pumping adrenaline through out your body and usually your legs will start running before your mind even has time to process the thought, "Oh no!  A bear is running after me!"


If you had to wait for your rational mind to react first before your body reacted by running, you might end up as the bear's lunch.  That's why, under circumstances of present danger, it's better for your body to react first because your body knows what to do--run like the wind!

"Is It a Stick or a Snake?"
Another example of the body reacting before the mind is one I remember hearing from Nancy Napier, LMFT in Somatic Experiencing trauma training.

The example is this:  Imagine yourself hiking in the woods when your eye catches something in your path and your body has an automatic response of jumping back.  Only after your body has reacted will your mind ask the question, "Is this a stick or a snake?"

There might be only a microsecond between your body reacting and your mind asking the question, but it's definitely more efficient and safer for the body to react first, especially if it really is a poisonous snake.  Then again, if you realize that it's really just a stick, you're relieved and you can keep walking.

Your Body and Mind Still React, Even When It's a Memory of the Traumatic Event and Not Actual Current Danger
When what you're feeling is the memory of a traumatic event, as opposed to being in actual danger in the present moment, your body will still react when it's triggered by a current event.

Depending upon the severity of your reaction, you could react with a fight, flight, or freeze reaction.  There would be a build up of adrenaline.  You might find yourself shaking and your heart pounding, but since you're not in actual danger at the moment, you won't be discharging this mobilized energy by running--the pent up energy will stay in the body.

If you're constantly being triggered in the present by traumatic memories, you can see how this isn't useful the way it is when you're confronted by a bear or the possibility of poisonous snake in the present moment and you would use that energy to flee.

When you react as if there is present danger when there's none and this happens over and over again, it can be exhausting on a physical and emotional level.  It can compromise your immune system and cause health problems.

There Are Many Different Types of Events That Can Cause PTSD
The example I gave above of the combat veteran, who gets triggered by a loud noise, is the classic example of PTSD.

But there are many different situations, aside from combat trauma, that can cause PTSD, including emotional abuse, physical or sexual abuse, car accidents, getting robbed or mugged, natural disaster, terrorism, and any other emotionally overwhelming event.

What is An Emotionally Overwhelming Event?
What is an emotionally overwhelming event?  It depends on the individual.

Two people can go through the same event and one person might develop a traumatic response and the other might not, depending upon many factors, including personal history, personality, and other factors.

An Overwhelming Event From Your Past Doesn't Have to Cause Full Blown PTSD to Get Triggered in the Present
What many people don't realize is that the overwhelming event doesn't have to cause PTSD in order to get triggered later on.  You don't have to meet the full diagnostic criteria for PTSD to have a traumatic response and get emotionally triggered.

There is what is known in trauma work as "Big T" and "Smaller T" trauma, which I explained in a prior blog article: EMDR and "Big T" and "Smaller T" Trauma.

When You Get Emotionally Triggered By a Memory, It Can Feel Like You're "Going Crazy"
Sometimes, the person who is feeling emotionally triggered might not even realize that they're being triggered by a memory of a traumatic event.  This can make the person feel like they're "going crazy."

So, when I work with clients who are confused by their emotional reactions, I educate them about how past memories can trigger emotional reactions in the present.

It's usually reassuring to clients to know that they're have a common reaction to the memory of an overwhelming event.

Getting Help
EMDR is a safe and effective form of trauma therapy when it is used by a skilled therapist.  

Rather than continuing to be triggered by past memories, you owe it to yourself to get help from an experienced EMDR therapist to resolve your trauma.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.