Are You Dating Someone Who Has Problems Making a Commitment to a Relationship?

There comes a time in any dating relationship when you and the person you're dating decide if you're going to take it to the next level--making a commitment to be in a monogamous relationship or deciding that you're not going to pursue a serious relationship.

Are You Dating Someone Who Has Problems Making a Commitment to a Relationship?

Under ideal circumstances, you and your dating partner talk about it and mutually agree either that you're going to be in a relationship, you're going to remain in a casual dating situation or you're going to stop seeing each other.

But, often, both people don't see eye-to-eye about it.  One person might want to remain casual while the other might want to be in a more committed relationship.  This can put an emotional strain on each of you as you try to work out this situation.

If you're the person who wants a committed relationship and your dating partner wants to remain in a non-monogamous dating situation, what do you do?

Of course, there are no easy answers and it depends on many factors.  For instance, if the two of  you have been dating for a year and you're a woman in your late 30s who wants to have children soon, you might have different feelings about it compared to a woman in her early 20s who is not in a hurry to have children.

And, if you're dating partner has a long history of avoiding making commitments to relationships, you would probably want to consider this if it has been a lifelong pattern.

It can be a very hurtful situation to discover that you've fallen in love with someone and you want to take your relationship to the next level, but your dating partner is ambivalent.  You might decide to give the situation more time.

Are You Dating Someone Who Has Problems Making a Commitment to a Relationship?

But if you're someone who wants to get married and have children one day or you just want to settle down with one person, you'll want to ask yourself some hard questions about how long you want to wait to see if the person you love wants to make a commitment to you:

How long are you willing to wait and what is the downside of waiting?  Will it be eroding to your sense of self?  Will there be increasing pressure and tension between the two of you?

Are you being honest with yourself about this person and if you're both suited for each other?  Are you allowing the head-over-heels feeling of being in love blind you to certain problems between you?

Are you staying with this person because you're too afraid to be alone?  Are you afraid you won't meet anyone else?

These are tough but necessary questions to confront.

I think many people know deep down when it's time to end a dating relationship with someone who has problems making a commitment, but they often don't want to break up because they don't want to go through the heartache.

What's even more heartbreaking is to look back on time that has passed and realize that, all along, the person you're dating would never be able to make a romantic commitment no matter how long you wait.

If you're in a dating relationship with someone who has problems with making a commitment, you owe it to yourself to be honest about your feelings with yourself and your dating partner.   You have a right to be happy and so does your dating partner.  You might feel that you won't be able to tolerate the loss, but most people are a lot more resilient than they realize and they overcome these losses.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also, see my article:
Dating vs Being in a Relationship

Relationships and Communication: Do You Expect Your Partner to be a Mind Reader?

As a psychotherapist in New York City, I see many individuals and couples who come to therapy because of problems in their relationships.  One of the most common relationship issues is that one or both spouses or partners expects the other to be a "mind reader," knowing and anticipating emotional reactions, wishes and fears.  

This is often one of the major problems in the relationship because there is a lack of communication as well as anger, resentment and frustration.

Do You Expect Your Spouse to be a "Mind Reader"?

Of course, no one ever comes in saying, "I expect my husband to be a mind reader."  Instead, someone might say, "I didn't tell him because he should have known that I felt that way." 

Often, this includes subjects that the couple have never discussed before and the other spouse would have no way of knowing without being told.

I can certainly understand a fantasy to have a loved one anticipate your every wish.  But as delightful a fantasy as that it, it's just that--a fantasy.  

It's much more useful to learn to communicate your thoughts and feelings to your spouse rather than expecting him or her to "just know," somehow, magically.

Do You Expect Your Spouse to be a "Mind Reader"?

Often, when this is the problem in a relationship, one or both people have problems asking for what they want.  Sometimes, this happens because they were shamed as children for having wants or needs.  

As adults, they feel ashamed to ask for what they need so, instead, they blame their spouse or partner for not knowing, when, in fact, it's their problem because they don't feel entitled to have what they need or want.  

But pointing the finger at a spouse isn't going to change this problem.  Owning it and working it out in therapy is much more useful than continuing to hope that a spouse or partner will intuit what you want.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you and your partner are having this problem, you're not alone.  

Many couples have successfully worked out this issue in couples counseling and enhanced their relationship.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from an experienced couples therapist.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples, and I have helped many people to communicate in their relationships.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Expressing Condolences in a Caring and Tactful Manner

Over the years, I've had many psychotherapy clients who have come to me after the loss of a loved one, who expressed how hurt and angry they felt about the manner in which family and friends expressed their condolences.  Often, these clients told me that well-meaning friends expressed their condolences by saying things like, "You shouldn't feel bad--he's in a better place now," which only served to infuriate and frustrate the clients who had sustained the loss.

Expressing Condolences in a Caring and Tactful Manner

Use Tact When Expressing Condolences
If only people who said these kinds of things could stop for a moment and think about what a tactless remark this is, and how it fails to take into account what a grieving person is feeling at that moment.

It's understandable that many people feel that whatever they might say to someone who is grieving would be inadequate to the grieving person's feelings.  It's also understandable that, although we're all going to die one day, many people feel uncomfortable talking about or dealing with death.  But that's no excuse for the lack of an empathetic response to someone who is grieving.

Be Empathetic When Expressing Condolences
Like many other situations, it helps to try to put yourself in the other person's shoes.  If someone you loved very much died, would you find it helpful to you emotionally to hear your feelings invalidated?   I'm sure not.  Yet, this is what people do, unintentionally, when they tell a grieving person that they shouldn't feel sad because their loved one is in "a better place."

Mostly, people who are grieving want the emotional support of friends and family.  A simple, "I'm sorry for your loss" is fine.  The person who is grieving over the loss doesn't expect that you're going to find the magic phrase to make him or her feel better.  He or she just wants to know that you cared enough to show up and pay your respects.

Sharing meaningful memories with the person who is grieving can also be a tactful and meaningful way to show that you care.  I remember being at a funeral several years ago for a friend's mother.  Her mother's former coworker told her a few memorable stories about her mother, things that my friend didn't know and that she enjoyed hearing about it.  I could see how moved she was to hear these stories as well as hearing how well liked her mother had been at the office.

Everyone Grieves Differently
It's also important to remember that everyone grieves in his or her own way, which might not be the way you grieve.  So, we must all remind ourselves that there is no way one to go through the grieving process.  It's especially not helpful to urge widows or widowers to "move on" before they're ready.

I'm reminded of a friend who, having lost her husband of 15 years only a few months before, had to deal with a well-meaning friend who was urging her to "move on" and start dating before my friend was ready.  These remarks made my friend feel very alone in her grief, as if she was some kind of "freak" who was continuing to grieve after what others thought was too long a time period.

Eventually, she stopped listening to people who were urging her to "move on" and she mourned her husband in the way that felt right for her.  A couple of years later, she began taking tentative steps to start dating casually, and she eventually met her current husband.  But it was important for her to go through the grieving process in her own way.

Let Compassion and Empathy Be Your Guide When Expressing Condolences
If you feel uncomfortable and not sure of what to say to a friend or family member who is grieving, rather than allowing your discomfort to lead to tactless remarks, let compassion and empathy be your guide.

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, you can visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also see my article: Coping with the Loss of a Loved One: How to Take Care of Yourself

What Would You Do if Your Spouse Had an Affair?

We often think we know exactly what we would do under certain pivotal circumstances in our lives.  For instance, we might have strong feelings about finding out that a spouse was having a year long secret affair. But in an article by Judy Wachs in yesterday's New York Times' Modern Love column, NY Times - November 25, 2012: Modern Love: After the Affair, Ms. Wachs illustrates how we can't always be so sure how we'd respond to infidelity.

Most People Have Strong Feelings About Infidelity
When it comes to infidelity, most people have strong feelings about whether they would stay or go upon finding out about a spouse's secret affair.  But is it really so black and white?

Ms. Wachs makes a compelling argument for a more nuanced approach with reflection and compassion.  She sees the "grey," as opposed to black-and-white thinking, and she surprises herself in the process.

Many individuals and couples have come to me about infidelity in their relationships.  There are no easy answers when there has been this type of breach in a relationship.  Each situation is unique.  Before you face this situation, you might think you know how you would respond.  But often, when actually faced with infidelity in a relationship, many people surprise themselves with their responses to the actual situation.

What Would You Do If Your Spouse Had an Affair?

Before actually being faced with infidelity in a relationship, many people feel sure that they would leave their spouses or partners.  But these same people, when faced with the news of a secret affair that their spouses were involved in, often take a wider view of the situation and whether they want to give up the relationship, especially if it has been a longstanding relationship, and they work on trying to rebuild trust again.

When It Comes to Infidelity, No One Can Tell You What's Right For Your Relationship
Of course, when it's your relationship, no one can tell you what's right for you and your spouse, and many individuals and couples who find themselves at an impasse, when faced with infidelity, seek out professional help from a licensed mental health professional with related experience.

It can be very helpful during this crisis in your relationship to help you through this difficult process.  Even if you decide to end the relationship, rather than ending it in a way that dishonors what might have been good about the relationship, you can do it by both being your best selves.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist. 

I work with adult individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Are You Being Gaslighted in Your Relationship?

In the 1944 film, "Gaslight", Ingrid Bergman's husband, played by Charles Boyer, attempts to manipulate his wife and others to convince them that she is insane.  He secretly manipulates certain elements in their home, including dimming the gas lights, and insisting to his wife and others that she is confused and misremembering things.  During the 1970s, the term "gaslighting" began to be used to describe how a manipulative and abusive person can try to convince someone that they're not in touch with reality.

Gaslighting in Relationships
Gaslighting is a very real phenomenon in relationships (see my article: A Relationship With a Narcissist Can Have a Negative Impact on Your Self Esteem).

People, who are especially adept at gaslighting, are often sociopathic.  They use gaslighting in their relationships as a way to dominate their spouse or partner to get what they want.  They know exactly what they are doing and they have no remorse for their abusive behavior.  

This is the hallmark of sociopathic behavior.  Their goal is to systemically destroy their partner 's sense of self and sense of reality.  Just as in the movie, this can start in small ways and then it can gradually build to bigger things.

Are You Being Gaslighted in Your Relationship?

People who engage in this form of manipulation often know intuitively how to choose their "victims."  They choose people that they know they can dominate and demean.

The person who uses gaslighting to manipulate can be very convincing.  Sometimes, even psychotherapists or marriage counselors are taken in by their manipulation.

Over time, especially in relationships where the more passive partner is dependent upon the person who is engaging in "gaslighting," becomes more confused and less confident.  His or her sense of self diminishes as he or she becomes more "brain washed" by the manipulative spouse.

In some cases, friends or family members might be able to see that the manipulative spouse is "gaslighting"the more passive spouse.  They might try to warn the more passive spouse, but this is often to no avail.  The passive spouse is often in denial about his or her sociopathic spouse.

Gaslighting is a Serious Form of Emotional Abuse
It's important to understand that "gaslighting"or any other form of emotional abuse is a serious problem, and the more passive spouse who is being "gaslighted" needs to be in his or her own individual therapy.   

Although there could be exceptions, in most cases that I have seen, the manipulative spouse lacks empathy and isn't interested in changing, which is why marriage counseling often doesn't work with couples that have this dynamic.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you suspect that your spouse or partner is attempting to "gaslight" you by trying to destroy your confidence in your sense of reality, you owe it to yourself to get help from a skilled, licensed mental health clinician as soon as possible.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

A Search For Inner Meaning

Many people approaching their mid-life and beyond begin to search for the inner meaning to their lives. 

This search for inner meaning can be a time of confusion and doubt and it can also be an enriching time of personal growth and greater satisfaction with life.

A Search For Inner Meaning

Much depends on how you approach this time, your attitude, and what's going on for you at the time. When clients come to see me about this development in their lives, I usually encourage them to see it as "a process rather than an event," a concept borrowed from the 12 Step programs, as their process unfolds.

During this personal search for inner meaning, a question that often comes up is:  What is happiness?  Of course, there is no one-size-fits-all answer.  

But people often find that what they thought would make them happy:  more money, a bigger house, a more expensive car, and other expensive acquisitions, brings them a surge of gratification that is short lived.  

Once that surge is gone, another surge requires another, possibly bigger and better purchase, to create the next experience of excitement. And on and on it goes, requiring more and greater quick fixes to excitement.

But is this really happiness?

Book:  The Secrets of Happiness - Three Thousand Years of Searching for the Good Life
I've been very curious about the history and different cultural views about happiness and inner meaning.

While I was reading The Geography of Bliss - One Grump's Search for the Happiest Places in the World by Eric Weiner, I came across a reference to the book, The Secrets of Happiness - Three Thousand Years of Searching for the Good Life by Professor Richard Schoch.

Professor Schoch is a professor of History at the University of London, and director of their Graduate School in Humanities and Social Sciences.

In his book, he explores three thousand years of history about people from various times, from the ancient Greeks to modern times, and how happiness and the good life were defined during those periods.

This includes philosophical and spiritual beliefs of the Utilitarians, the Epicureans, Hinduism, Buddhism, the Stoics, Judaism, Christianity, and Islam, an how their beliefs relates to their definitions of happiness.

I've been enjoying reaching Professor Schoch's thought-provoking book, which is written in an accessible way (available as an e-book).

I was surprised to discover how, people's perception of happiness have changed dramatically over time.  I won't write any spoilers here, but I recommend that, if this is a topic that interests you, you read Professor Schoch's book.

I think you'll be in for a treat and might even question how you define happiness and inner meaning for yourself.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  I work with individual adults and couples.  

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Why Compassion is Much More Helpful Than Sympathy

In prior blog posts, I've written about the importance of compassion for others as well as compassion for ourselves, referred to as self compassion:  

Developing Curiosity and Self Compassion in Psychotherapy

Psychotherapy and Compassionate Self Acceptance 

Are You Gazing at the Sky Through a Straw? 

In the current article, I would like to focus on the difference between compassion and sympathy, which are often confused.

Why Compassion is Much More Helpful Than Sympathy

Comparing Sympathy and Compassion

With regard to sympathy, there's a vivid memory that stands out in my mind from the time I was about five years old.  My mother and I were standing on line in front of a subway token booth to buy tokens to go on the subway.  Just ahead of us, there was an elderly man, probably in his late 80s, who was trying to pay for tokens with change in his hand.

But every time he tried to hand the token booth clerk the money, he would drop all his change because his hands were trembling so badly.  Whenever he would drop his change, I would hurry to pick up the coins to hand them back to him.  But no sooner did he try to hand the coins to the token booth clerk than he would drop them again.  I remember feeling very upset that this old man, who looked so sad, was by himself and helpless to hold onto the coins.

Finally, after the third time, my mother gave the change to the token booth clerk, and the elderly man was very grateful.  Then, we went our separate ways.

As my mother and I walked onto the train, I could feel the emotional upset welling up inside me.  I was trying, as best as I could, not to burst out crying.  But when my mother said, "That poor man...," I couldn't hold it in any more, and I burst out crying.  I could easily imagine this elderly man being my grandfather and, at such a young age, I took on this man's emotional pain.

My mother was taken aback at first that I had such a strong emotional reaction, but then she comforted me, and she allowed me to talk about how badly I felt for the old man with the trembling hands.

As a child, I didn't have the capacity that I developed as an adult to be able to dip into another person's experience with compassion, but to remain grounded in my own experience.  The ability to empathize allows us to care about others with compassion without taking on the other person's emotional pain, which is what we do when we feel sympathy.

Compassion is much more helpful because, even though we feel aligned with their emotions, we are in a better position to help as compared to when we're immersed and weighed down by their feelings.  

Standing Outside of the Emotional Vortex

When I explain this to clients in my psychotherapy practice in NYC, I often talk to them about it by giving the metaphor of "standing outside of vortex."  So, when a friend or family member is in crisis, it's not helpful to them if you've jumped into the emotional vortex with them.  Rather than being helpful, you're immersed in the same emotions.

When you're "standing outside the vortex," you can see and sense everything that is going on, but you're still on solid ground and have a bigger perspective than the person who is in crisis.  You're better able to help your loved one as well as yourself.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotheapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.