Post-Traumatic Growth: Finding Personal Meaning in Your Life After Trauma

In my prior article, Coping With Psychological Trauma and Asking "Why Me?"," I discussed how people who are experiencing trauma can go through a stage where they feel that it's unfair that they're experiencing trauma.  In the scenario that I gave, I also discussed how psychotherapy can help people find personal meaning in their emotional pain--even while they're going through it (see my article: A Search For a Meaningful Life).

Finding Personal Meaning in Your Life After Trauma

Finding personal meaning in trauma often comes when time has passed and people have developed some level of acceptance, if not complete acceptance, about the trauma.  This doesn't mean that they're not sad or angry or that they're still not traumatized.

Clinical Vignette

In the fictionalized scenario that I gave in the prior article, Jane began trauma therapy to deal with the loss of her husband, who died in a fatal car accident.

Like many people who start therapy after a traumatic loss, Jane wasn't sure that she would benefit at all from therapy and she couldn't imagine that she could ever feel any better about her husband's death (see my article: The Benefits of Therapy).

However, her trauma therapist introduced her to EMDR therapy, a therapy that is usually effective in helping people to overcome trauma and, gradually, Jane realized that her emotional pain was starting to diminish.

As her pain began to diminish, she began thinking that she would like "something good" to come out of her loss, but she wasn't sure what it could be at that point.

This is a stage that many people go through as they attempt to find meaning in their psychological pain.

Let's continue to look at Jane's story, which is common to many people trying to find personal meaning in their pain and loss.

As Jane felt a strong urge to find personal meaning in her experience of having lost her husband, she and her therapist began to explore what might be meaningful for Jane (see my article: Coping With Grief).

There were still days when Jane felt discouraged, and there was an inner negative voice that told her she wasn't going to find anything meaningful about her loss so it was useless to try (see my article: Making Changes: Overcoming the Inner Voice of Negative Prediction).

But over the weeks and months that followed, she was having more days when she felt she wanted to channel her energy into something positive and life affirming.

When she thought about how she spent most of her days at work, she realized that she no longer liked her work as a corporate executive.  She was well compensated and she liked her colleagues, but she didn't find the work meaningful.

Initially, even thinking about making a change was scary for her.  Her current career was all that she knew.  She had worked her way up from an entry level to an executive position.  She didn't feel qualified to do anything else.

As part of her grief work, Jane was part of a bereavement group.  She liked the group members and she derived a tremendous amount of support.

Several months later, it occurred to Jane that she would like to "give back" by helping others who were going through experiences that were similar to her own.

As Jane and her therapist explored various possibilities, Jane looked into getting a Master's degree in social work.

She looked into the various schools and their requirements and became excited about the possibility of making a career change.

At the same time that she was excited, she was also scared about making such a big change.  A career in social work would be completely different from what she had done for most of her adult life.

She was aware that she would earn a fraction of what she was currently earning, but she was fortunate to be in a financial position to take such a cut.

She was also aware that it would be a complete change in the way that she saw herself.  At the same time, as she took stock of her life, she knew her current career was no longer satisfying to her.

In addition, Jane knew that her parents and siblings wouldn't understand why she was making such a drastic change in her life.

She knew that her mother, especially, often bragged to her friends that Jane was a successful executive and that she would think that Jane was making a terrible mistake by becoming a social worker.  In her mother's mind, there was no prestige in being a social worker.  So, Jane decided to keep her thoughts about changing careers to herself for the time being.

She took one step at a time by talking to her therapist, who was a clinical social worker and psychotherapist, about it.  She also spoke to other social workers to find out more about the field and the possibilities.

When she was ready, she sent several applications to graduate social work programs in NYC, hoping to get into one of them.  In the meantime, she continued working at her current job.

To her disappointment, she wasn't accepted into any of the graduate programs.  But several of them suggested that she could improve her chances of getting in by doing volunteer work at a social services organization.

Asking around, she discovered that there were volunteer positions open at a different nonprofit organization that held bereavement groups that were lead by trained facilitators.  After training for a few weeks, she observed a seasoned volunteer facilitator lead a group.  Eventually, she was given her own group to facilitate.

Jane enjoyed leading the group and found the experience to be personally meaningful to her.  She also discovered that many of the issues that people raised in the group, not surprisingly, were issues that she was struggling with at the same time.

Fortunately, she was able to talk to her therapist about this in her own individual therapy, so she could listen to group members and not feel flooded by her own feelings.

The following year, when she reapplied to social work graduate programs and wrote about her experiences as a bereavement group facilitator, she was thrilled to be accepted into two programs.

Jane decided to go to the program where she could attend classes part time on Saturday so she could continue to work at her current job.

She loved most of the classes, her professors and her fellow students.  She discovered that many of the students in this part time graduate program were also undergoing a career change.

She and several other students got together after class to talk about the challenges involved with changing careers.  Some of them were in similar careers to Jane's.  After a while, they became a support network for each other.

When it was time for Jane to do her first internship, she knew she would have to talk to her boss about rearranging her work schedule.  Until then, she hadn't told anyone at work or in her family that she was attending social work graduate school.

Initially, her boss was stunned and he laughed.  He thought she was joking, but when he saw that Jane was serious, he told her that there was no way that they could spare her during the day.

He said it was "all well and good" if she wanted to spend her own time on Saturdays to take classes, but they would need her to be present for meetings and conference calls during the day.  He told her that she was a highly valued executive at the firm, but he also hinted that if she wasn't continuing to bring in revenue as she had been until now, it would be reflected in her next bonus.

Jane was disappointed as she walked back to her office.  She knew that her company had made generous contributions to many nonprofit organizations, and she thought her boss might be somewhat open to her rearranging her schedule as long as she continued to meet her goals.  But his response left her feeling cynical about him and the company.

With only a few months to go before she had to start her first internship, Jane talked about it with her therapist.

Money wasn't an issue.  The real issue was:  Could she leave her job after so many years to pursue a career in social work?  She knew that this would have been a decision she would have had to make eventually, but she didn't think she would be facing it so soon.  She had hoped that she would have more time to deal with this.

As she continued to discuss this possible change, she realized how identified she had been for so many years with her career.  It had been fulfilling to her--until now.  At this point, it was increasingly meaningless to her.  At the same time, although it was no longer fulfilling, she felt secure in it.  It was the only career that she knew.

Then, she thought about all the changes that she had made since her husband died, how difficult it had been--and yet, she was doing better.  Her desire to change careers from the corporate world to the social work world was part of those changes.

At one point, she wondered aloud in her therapy, "What would my husband advise me to do?"  Then, she knew instantly that he would tell her to "Go for it!"

Moved to tears by how much she missed him and the memory of his unwavering encouragement, Jane decided that if she had to quit her job in order to do an internship, she would do it.

The following week when she met with her boss again, Jane told him about her decision.  This time her boss, knowing that Jane was completely serious, didn't laugh.  Instead, he tried to persuade her to change her mind, "Think about what you're giving up?  You've worked so hard to get to where you are now.  Why would you throw it all away?  We don't want to lose you.  You're one of the best producers in the company. What can I say to make you stay?"

By the end of their discussion, they compromised.  At her boss's suggestion, she agreed to take a personal leave of absence instead of quitting.  Jane's projects were transferred to a colleague and she was ready to begin her first internship.

After she met the senior clinician who would be supervising her internship at a nonprofit counseling center, Jane knew that she found her niche.

Throughout this time, Jane continued to attend her therapy sessions to help her manage all the changes that she was going through.

The next change, talking to her family about her career change, would be one of the more difficult ones, which I'll discuss in my next article.

Conclusion
Many people who experience trauma have a desire to find personal meaning in their life.

This can begin an exploration, often in therapy, about what would be personally meaningful.

Often, this exploration can lead to personal changes, including changes in how people see themselves, their worldview and what they find meaningful in their lives.

Although it can be challenging, finding personal meaning after trauma can also lead to living life in a deeper, more fulfilling way.

Getting Help in Therapy
Self-exploration is part of psychotherapy.

Finding personal meaning after trauma is a journey, and a skilled psychotherapist can help to facilitate that process.

If you're currently reexamining your life, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who can help you through this process so that you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to discover what is personally meaningful to them and to make the necessary changes to lead a more fulfilling life.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

  

A Happy Life vs. a Meaningful Life

In my prior article, Are You Waiting For Happiness?, I focused on the issue of people waiting for a person, event or something else that is external for them to be happy.  

In this article, I'm discussing the issue I began to address in my prior article, happy life vs. a meaningful life (see my article: Living Authentically, Aligned With Your Values).

A Happy Life vs. a Meaningful Life

The Difference Happiness and Meaning in Your Life
Although many people have similar values, what's meaningful to one person can be very different from what is meaningful to another person with the same values.

What Research Says
A Stanford research study explored the differences between happiness and meaningfulness and discovered the following differences:

• Satisfying your desires can provide happiness, but it had nothing to do with a sense of meaningfulness.  The example that they gave was that a healthy person are usually happier than sick  people, but sick people's lives don't lack meaning.

• While happiness is about the present, meaningfulness links the past, present and the future.

• Interpersonal connections are important to both happiness and meaningfulness.  And, while spending time with casual friends might add to happiness, deep relationships, which require working on challenges, like family relationships, are more meaningful.

• People who have a high degree of meaningfulness in their lives often encounter negative issues, which can result in unhappiness.  One example given in the study is that raising children can give a sense of joy, but it's also connected to high stress, which can be meaningful but can also lead to unhappiness.  Another example is that while retirement can lead to happiness because people no longer have the pressure of their jobs, a sense of meaningfulness can drop.

• Meaningfulness is about expressing and defining yourself and your personal identity, whereas happiness is getting what you want.  A meaningful life is connected to a valued sense of self and your purpose your life and community.

• You can find meaning in life and still be unhappy.

• You can be happy and yet lack meaning in your life.

• Happiness without meaning often leads to a shallow and self-centered life.

• A meaningful life gives you a sense of purpose and direction where you are aligned with your values.

Getting Help in Therapy
Understanding what is meaningful to you is a process--it's not a one-time event that you settle once and for all.

In addition, what is meaningful to you at one stage in your life could be different from what it would be at a different stage as life changes and you continue to grow as a person.

Discovering what is meaningful to you can be challenging at various points in your life and might conflict with what might make you happy at the moment but would provide meaning in the long run.

Working with a skilled psychotherapist can help you to identify what is important to you, help you to develop insight into yourself and work through these issues.

These are issues that most people struggle with at some point in their lives.  Rather than struggling alone, you could get help in therapy so you can lead a more meaningful life.

About Me
I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist with over 20 years of experience working with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

Are You Waiting For Happiness?

Are you telling yourself that you're waiting for something to happen in your life in order for you to be happy? (see my articles: Redefining Happiness and Success, How to Stop Pretending to Feel Happy When You Don't, Are You Afraid to Allow Yourself to be Happy?

Whether this "something" is winning the lottery, accomplishing a long-term goal, meeting your soul mate or having a child, it's usually a mistake to place your happiness in the hands of someone else or in some external event (see my article: Living in the State of "If Only".

Are You Waiting For Happiness?

The problem is that whatever you've told yourself that you need in order to feel that you've finally "arrived" or that you'll finally be happy usually only brings the kind of happiness you're imagining for a short time while it's still a novelty, and then the usual dissatisfaction sinks in again.

Why is Happiness Fleeting?
When you fix your sights on some person or event in the future to make you happy, you're placing your happiness at some point in the future (see my article: What is Happiness and Where Do You Find It?).

Are You Waiting For Happiness?

Not only are you giving away your power, but you're also overlooking so many things that are happening right now that you're not appreciating (see my article: Keeping a Gratitude Journal).

The more you convince yourself that someone or something in the future will make you happy, the more likely it will be that you'll go around with blinders for the great things that are in the present.

It's not that you wouldn't be happy if you entered into a new relationship or accomplished a long-term goal or got a great job.  It's just that these things are external, and you're telling yourself that you're not enough.

It's like you're constantly waiting and, meanwhile, life is passing you by.

Having the mindset that you're waiting for something outside yourself for you to be happy sets up a pattern where you can keep thinking that you're waiting for the next thing and the next thing, and so on.

Also, you can be happy in the moment and still feel that your life lacks meaning, direction and purpose, which can lead to a shallow life.

A Fictionalized Vignette 

Mary:
Mary lived her life as a very goal oriented person.

She worked a full time job and went to college at night.  Because of her busy schedule, she didn't have a lot of time to socialize with friends.  Although this was lonely for her, she told herself that once she graduated college, she would be happy.

When she graduated college at the top of her class, Mary felt proud of herself for her accomplishment.  But, after a while, she realized that she didn't really feel happy, and the pride she felt wore off after a short time.

Are You Waiting for Happiness?

This was disappointing to her, but then she told herself that she would be happy once she got a good job, so she put all her time and effort into the job search.  Once again, she postponed being social and seeing friends because she thought that her happiness hinged on finding a great job.

After searching for a few months, Mary landed exactly the kind of job that she always dreamed about.  Once again, she was proud of herself for working so hard to get this job.

But after a few months, whatever positive feelings she felt wore off.  She realized that her job, although allowing her to be creative and being a good paying job, didn't really bring her happiness.  In fact, she felt a little empty inside after a while, which was disappointing.

Then, she decided that in order for her to be happy, she needed to be in a relationship with a man that she really loved, so she spent a lot of time on dating sites and she went out more on dates.

Dating was a little discouraging at first, but then she met a man that she really liked.  They dated for several months, realized that they were in love and made a commitment to be monogamous.

Mary was thrilled with her new boyfriend and looked forward to seeing him.  But a couple of years later, when she asked herself if she was really happy, she realized that some of the initial excitement that she felt had worn off.

Although she loved him and she knew that he loved her, she wasn't as happy as she thought she would be, and this was very disappointing to her.  She couldn't understand it--she had all the things that she thought she would need to make her happy, but she still wasn't truly happy. Something was missing.

Mary's awareness that she wasn't feeling as happy as she had anticipated threw her into a tailspin.  She felt that something must really be wrong with her if she didn't feel happy now.

It wasn't that she was unhappy--she just didn't have that feeling that she thought she would have that she "arrived" in her life.

 Soon after that, Mary started therapy to deal with the emotional crisis she was struggling with.

After a few months in therapy where she explore her feelings, Mary realized that she had a narrow definition of happiness and that in most people's lives happiness is fleeting.  She also realized that there isn't any one thing or person that will create the feeling of happiness in her.

"So," she told her therapist, "if happiness is fleeting, what is it that I really want?  What makes a good life?"

Over time, as Mary continued to explore and reflect on her feelings, she realized that what she really wanted was to have a meaningful life, but she wasn't sure what that meant (see my article: A Search For a Meaningful Life).

Mary and her therapist continued to explore what that meant for Mary.  It wasn't a quick or smooth process, but Mary felt like she was finally focusing on what really mattered to her.

Are You Waiting For Happiness?

Gradually, Mary began to define her core values and what she considered to be meaningful.  She also started to see the difference between having a "happy life" and having a "meaningful life."

She realized that it wasn't realistic to expect to feel happy all the time, but she could strive to live a meaningful life by being true to her core values.

She also learned to develop an appreciation for the here-and-now rather than always focusing on the future.  In doing so, she realized that she had a lot to be grateful for and this was a lot more meaningful to her than waiting for an illusive sense of happiness at some point in the future.

In my next article, I'll discuss the difference between happiness and meaningfulness and why it's important to understand the difference for your sense of well-being.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you've lived your whole life waiting to be happy, you can find it challenging to understand why the things you thought would bring you lasting happiness don't.  It can also be difficult to change your way of thinking.

Getting Help in Therapy

Working with a skilled psychotherapist can help you to explore your way of thinking, the patterns you have developed over time, and how to make changes to lead a more fulfilling life (see my article: How Talking to a Psychotherapist is Different From Talking to a Friend and How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

This is a common problem that many people have, which is reinforced by our culture, so it is often deeply ingrained.

Stepping outside your normal way of thinking can be difficult, but with the help of an experienced mental health professional, you can develop a more meaningful life.


About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Your Family Might Not Be Supportive of the Positive Changes You're Making in Your Life as You Heal From Trauma

In the two previous articles, I discussed coping with psychological trauma and finding personal meaning after trauma.  In this article, I'm focusing on the challenges involved when family members might not be supportive of the changes that you're making (see my article: You're Happy About Making Changes in Your Life But, Unfortunately, Your Loved One Might Find It Challenging).

Your Family Might Not Be Supportive of the Changes You're Making in Your Life

In the fictional vignettes in those articles about Jane, a woman who lost her husband after he had a fatal car accident, I showed how psychotherapy can help to cope with the trauma as well as a personal exploration of what is meaningful after a trauma (see my article: Making Changes to Create the Life You Want).

Family members are often accustomed to seeing you in a particular way and might feel uncomfortable about changes that you decide to make in your life.

Part of this might be related to your family history and part of it might be cultural.

There might also be certain family members who are emotionally invested in seeing you in a certain way and take personal satisfaction in your remaining that way.

After experiencing psychological trauma, many people reevaluate their life and realize that they want to make changes that are meaningful to them.

While this might be life affirming for the person who wants to make these changes, it can feel threatening to family members.

Let's continue to explore these issues in the ongoing fictional vignette about Jane.

Jane's Story Continued
Until she started her internship in graduate school, Jane avoided telling her family about the career change that she wanted to make.

She knew that her parents and siblings, especially her mother, wouldn't understand why, from their point of view, she was leaving a lucrative career in business to become a clinical social worker.

Her family had been very supportive after Martin died suddenly in a car accident (see my article: Coping With Grief For a Loved One).

Until then, she had never felt closer to them.  They all loved Martin and it was a loss for them too.  Her parents and siblings called her frequently and spent time with her.  Without their support, along with her therapy and bereavement group, her grief would have been that much more difficult.

But she knew that they wouldn't understand the changes that she was going through which led to her decision about a career change.  She also knew that she couldn't keep this change a secret any more, especially after she took a leave of absence from her job to do a graduate school internship.

Your Family Might Not Be Supportive of the Changes You're Making in Your Life

After talking about her apprehension with her therapist, Jane decided to take the path of least resistance by talking to her sister, Beth, first.

Jane invited Beth over for dinner, and as they were having coffee and dessert, she began telling Beth how after the loss of Martin she knew she wanted to find more personal meaning in her life.  She told her that as part of her psychotherapy, she began exploring what that meant to her and what changes she wanted to make.

Even before Jane mentioned social work school, she could see that Beth was starting to look concerned, as if she was wondering where this was all leading.

Taking a deep breathe, Jane told Beth that, after exploring many options, she decided to enroll in a social work Master's program to become a clinical social worker.

Jane could see that Beth was at a loss for words, so she told her, "Beth, this is important to me.  I know it's a big change and you might not understand why I'm doing it, but I would like your emotional support."

After Beth asked Jane some practical questions, she told Jane, "I can't say that I'm not surprised to hear you say this.  You have a great job that you've worked so hard to get.  You're well compensated.  But I can also understand, in a way, that you're reevaluating your life, and if  you're sure that this is what you want to do, I'm with you 100%."  Then, she gave Jane a big hug.

Of all her siblings, Jane was closest to Beth and she had a feeling that Beth would be supportive.  As they both relaxed more, Jane told her about the program and her internship at a nonprofit counseling center.

Jane's enthusiasm was contagious and Beth said, "This is wonderful.  I haven't seen you this excited about anything in years."

Then, they both had the same thought at the same time, and Jane said, "I know, I know, mom and dad and Bill and Joe won't understand."

Beth responded, "Mom is going to have a fit.  You know how she likes to brag about you and your 'prestigious job' to everyone that she meets.  She won't like the idea of your being a social worker."

As they discussed it, they agreed that it would be easier to talk to Bill and Joe first before speaking with their parents.

A week or so later, Jane invited Bill and Joe over to her apartment.

As she expected, they were both shocked and pleaded with her not to do it.  Joe thought that Jane's decision to change careers was based on her shock of losing Martin.  Bill told her that he thought it was "crazy."

Jane was patient with them and explained how Martin's death forced her to reevaluate her life and she realized that her current career was no longer meaningful to her and how important it is to her now to be doing something meaningful.  She realized that life is short and she didn't want to waste any more time doing something that didn't make her happy.

Although she knew that she didn't need her family's approval, she also cared what they thought and wanted their emotional support.  But if they weren't going to support her, she would still make the change anyway.

By the end of the evening, Bill and Joe's attitude softened. They still didn't agree with Jane's decision, but they respected it.  Bill also added that he thought all was not lost since she took a leave of absence from her job and she could still go back if social work wasn't as fulfilling as she thought it would be.

All of them agreed that their mother would be shocked and disappointed.  Bill said, "Talk to dad first."

A week or so later, Jane asked her father to come over on the pretext of asking him to help her take care of the plants on her terrace. Tending to the plants had been Martin's hobby and, not having a "green thumb," Jane neglected the plants.  Her father, on the other hand, was a gardener and he would love helping her.  She also knew that this was one way where she could speak with him alone.

After they tended to the plants and they were sitting drinking ice tea on the terrace, Jane broached the subject about career change.

After Jane told him about her process of self discovery leading up to her decision to change career to become a social worker, he was silent for a moment and he looked off into the distance.

Then he cleared his throat and told Jane that he had always hoped that she would do better than he did. He told her the story that she had heard many times about how he was lucky to even graduate high school before he was expected to help his family financially.  He began as a gardener's assistant earning very little money.

Over time, he worked his way up until he bought the business from the owner when the owner retired.  Although there were tough times, the business supported their family and put Jane and her siblings through college.

He told her that he was so proud of her when she got her college degree and went on to get her MBA.  Then, he watched her move up the corporate ladder until she became one of the senior executives in the company.  Now, it seemed to him that she was throwing it all away.

Your Family Might Not Be Supportive of the Changes You're Making in Your Life

Her father's disappointment was palpable.  It hung in the air like a lead balloon.

They were both silent for a while and then her father got up to leave, "You're an adult and I know you.  I know that money isn't an issue, but all I ask is that you think about this carefully before you make this major change in your life."

As he was leaving, he told her that he would be supportive of anything that she would do, but he hoped she would think it over carefully.

After each discussion with her family members, Jane spoke with her therapist.  Although she felt sure that she was making the right decision for herself, she didn't like that her family was worried about her.

An inner child part of her felt sad that her father and siblings were disappointed, and she and her therapist worked on this in therapy.

Jane also braced herself for her discussion with her mother.  Even though her mother was very supportive after Martin died, Jane and her mother had somewhat of a conflictual relationship starting in adolescence.

Jane felt that her mother derived narcissistic satisfaction from Jane's accomplishments without really seeing Jane for the person that she is.

When Jane was a child, her mother bragged about Jane's grades and accomplishments.  Her mother couldn't stop talking to anyone who would listen about all of Jane's promotions.

Her siblings would always tease Jane that she was her mother's "favorite,"but throughout it all, Jane felt that her mother only saw her in terms of how she could bask in Jane's accomplishments and not as a person with her own wants and needs.

Although Jane understood that her mother would have liked to go to college and have a career, she knew that her mother didn't have the same opportunities that she did.  So, Jane felt compassionate towards her mother.

At the same time, she felt that her mother mostly cared about her for her accomplishments and that if she didn't succeed, she wouldn't be her mother's "favorite."

Jane decided to invite her mother for lunch at an outdoor cafe rather than seeing her to home.  She hoped that if they were around other people that her mother would be less likely to lose her temper.

After making small talk through lunch, Jane raised the topic over coffee.  As she began telling her mother about being accepted into the social work graduate program, Jane could see the increasing look of alarm on her mother's face.

Before Jane could tell her about taking a leave of absence from work, Jane's mother threw her napkin on the table and said, "This is completely crazy, and I refuse to listen to it anymore."  Then, she walked off in a huff.

Jane continued in her therapy, which was helpful to her in terms of dealing with the clients she was seeing at the counseling center.  Her clinical supervision was excellent, but she used her therapy to talk about personal issues that arose for her in her internship.

Jane also used her therapy to talk about unresolved childhood issues that got triggered by her mother's strong reaction to Jane's career decision (see my article: Overcoming the Effects of Childhood Trauma).

She always felt loved by her father, but she felt that her mother's love was conditional based on Jane's accomplishments.  This was especially hurtful when Jane was a child, and her mother's reaction brought back all those memories (see my article: Role Reversal in Mother-Daughter Relationships).

By the time Jane graduated from the program, her father and siblings were proud of her.  Over time, they were able to see why this was so meaningful to Jane and they respect it.

Her mother continued to be disappointed, but she went to her graduation ceremony and began talking to Jane again.

As a result of her therapy sessions, Jane realized that her mother wasn't nurtured as a child, and she was also valued mostly for her accomplishments by Jane's maternal grandmother.  Although it was disappointing that her mother couldn't be happy for her, Jane reconciled herself to the fact that her mother wasn't going to change.

Creating a Meaningful Life With a Career Change

More importantly, by the time Jane began as a full time clinical social worker at the same nonprofit counseling center, she knew she had found a career that she loved.  Her supervisor recommended that Jane continue her education at a psychotherapy postgraduate center where she could further develop her clinical skills.

Conclusion
People who experience trauma or big losses as adults often go through a reevaluation of their life.

Part of this reevaluation is often a psychological journey to create a more meaningful life.

For a variety of reasons, family members might not be supportive of these changes.

Psychotherapy with a skilled psychotherapist can help to go through the reevaluation and discovery process as well as deal with the lack of support from family.

The lack of support from family often triggers earlier unresolved childhood trauma that can also get worked through in therapy.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you're reevaluating your life or if you're dealing with family members who are emotionally unsupportive, you could benefit from working with a skilled licensed mental health professional who can help you through your journey.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to evaluate their life and to deal with unsupportive family members.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Psychotherapy Blog: Coping with Psychological Trauma and Asking "Why me?"

When traumatic events occur to people who are ethical, good people, it's common for them to ask, "Why me?  Why did this thing happen to me?  I've been a good person.  I didn't deserve this" (see my article: Coping with Hard Times).

Coping with Psychological Trauma and Asking, "Why me?"

Not only is this a common response to psychological trauma, it's an understandable question because most people live under the unconscious assumption of a "just world" where if they are leading a good, ethical life, they expect that life will be fair and just.

This unconscious assumption begins at an early age for most people whether it's part of their religious beliefs or childhood fantasies that Santa Claus rewards children who are good and leaves no gifts for children who have misbehaved.

I'm stressing that the belief is unconscious because, on a conscious level, at some point in their lives, most people know that tragedy can strike anyone at any time.  They've seen it happen to good people that they've known.

But they have a deep and personal experience of trauma, it can feel like they've been forsaken by fate (or higher power or God, depending upon their beliefs).

Initially, many people who have experienced psychological trauma feel angry and resentful about what has happened to them.  This is completely understandable because when tragic events occur, it can upend a person's sense of how they see themselves and how they perceive the world.

Most of us go through life not expecting tragic events.  This was certainly the case for most spouses and other family members on the morning of 9/11, who expected to see their loved ones come home that night.

Initially, coming to terms with a tragic event can leave one feeling shocked and emotionally devastated.  Soon after, there can be feelings of anger and resentment as well as feelings of hopelessness and helplessness.

The following fictionalized vignette demonstrates how psychological trauma can upend a life and how psychotherapy can help.

Jane
Jane and Martin were happily married for 10  years.  Their relationship was never better and they were both at the peak of their careers when Martin got into a fatal car accident.

Jane struggled for two years on her own to try to make sense of this tragic event (see my article: Coping with Grief: It's Not Unusual to Feel Worse Before Feeling Better).

She couldn't understand why this happened to her and constantly asked herself why Martin was taken from her and "Why me?"

Coping with Psychological Trauma and Asking, "Why me?"

After feeling no relief from her sadness and anger about losing her husband, she decided to try therapy at the recommendation of her doctor.

As she told the therapist about the call she received that day, she recalled it as if it had happened yesterday.

She remembered where she had been standing when she answered the phone.  She remembered looking out the window at the trees in bloom.  She even remembered hearing a bird singing outside her window.

Worst of all, she remembered the feeling--like getting a punch to her gut--when she heard the police officer at the other end of the phone apologizing to have to tell her that her husband died instantly when another driver hit her husband's car head on that day.

She told the therapist that she felt like her vision narrowed and "everything stopped" at that moment.  Everything felt surreal, as if she were in a dream and would soon wake up and see her husband beside her.

But it wasn't a dream.  The events of that day were very real, and every day since that day she wondered, "Why?  Why did this have to happen?  Why me?"

Jane had mixed feelings about therapy.  She couldn't imagine that she would ever feel better about losing her husband.  But she didn't know what else to do, so she sat in the therapist's office that first day and told her story (see my article: Starting Psychotherapy: It's Not Unusual to Feel Anxious and Ambivalent).

Afterwards, Jane braced herself for what the therapist might say to her.  So many people tried to heal her emotional wound by telling her things like, "He's in a better place now" or "Time heals all wounds."

Jane tried to be outwardly diplomatic when people said these things to her because she knew that they meant well.  But inside she was seething.  She felt they couldn't possibly understand what she was going through and she would rather they said nothing than to make these banal comments.

So, she was expecting the therapist to be like everyone else, but the therapist listened and remained attuned to Jane.  She didn't offer Jane any pat answers or try to placate her with trite sayings.

After Jane spoke, she realized that, for the first time since Martin's fatal accident, she felt she was really heard.  She felt that her words and emotions were being contained in the safety of the therapist's office (see my article: The Therapist's Empathic Attunement Can Be Emotionally Reparative For the Client).

To her surprise, Jane felt a small sense of relief after that therapy session, so she made another appointment for the following week.  She still felt sad, lonely, resentful and angry, but she could feel a tiny sense of relief that was new.  She even slept better that night than she had in a long time.

She continued to go to her therapy sessions and talk about how lost she felt.

After a while, she found herself reminiscing about Martin and telling the therapist about how happy they had been as well as some funny things that Martin said.

Memories: Remembering That There Were More Happy Times Than Sad Times

For the first time, she was able to laugh when she remembered his sense of humor, even though she was still filled with grief. This was a new experience for her and she was surprised and curious about it.

To her amazement, she actually began to look forward to her therapy sessions.  She felt that when she spoke about her memories of Martin, he "came alive" for her internally as well as in the room with the therapist.

Initially, she only thought about the day of the accident.

But, as time went on in therapy, she realized that she had many more moments of joy and happiness in her life with Martin that she was now able to access and talk about because her therapist provided her with a safe space for her to do so (see my article: How a Therapist Creates a Holding Environment in Therapy).

After a few months went by, her therapist asked Jane if she would be willing to process the traumatic memory using EMDR therapy.  Her therapist explained how EMDR therapy works and how it could be helpful to Jane.

By that time, Jane had a good relationship with her therapist and she was willing to try it.  After going through the preparatory phase, Jane began EMDR therapy sessions to work on the trauma related to her loss.

EMDR therapy wasn't a quick fix, but by the time Jane and her therapist completed the EMDR therapy, Jane was feeling like a great weight had been lifted from her.  She still missed her husband and remembered the details of the day she received the phone call, but she no longer felt oppressed by the memory.

Coping with Psychological Trauma and Trying to Find Personal Meaning

Soon after that, Jane began to think that she would like "something good" to come out of her personal pain.

This was a new thought for Jane.  She wasn't sure what she wanted to do, but she knew she wanted to find inner meaning, so she and her therapist began to explore what Jane could do to create inner meaning about her experience.

Conclusion
The feeling of "Why me?" is a common experience that many people go through when they experience a deep loss or tragic event.

After the event, life feels unfair.  The world can feel precarious and unsafe.  Some people even have a sense of hopelessness and helplessness to think that something tragic could happen again without warning.

The depth of their sorrow can cause many people to feel that nothing, not even therapy, could help heal  their sorrow.  Some people come to therapy at that point with low expectations, but they don't know what else to do.

The unique experience of being with an attuned psychotherapist is hard to imagine until it is experienced (see my article: Psychotherapy: A Unique Intersubjective Experience).

Therapists who are skilled in creating a holding environment can help to contain even the deepest sorrow to help alleviate the emotional pain.

Experiential therapy, like EMDR, help a client to process psychological trauma so that the experience becomes integrated within the rest of client's life (see my article: Experiential Therapy, Like EMDR, Helps to Achieve Emotional Breakthroughs).

Getting Help in Therapy
The shock, sorrow and anger brought on by a traumatic event can be overwhelming without help from a licensed mental health professional.

Therapists, who are trained and skilled in helping clients with psychological trauma, can provide the intersubjective space for healing to begin.

If you are struggling with psychological trauma that you've been unable to cope with on your own, you owe it to yourself to get professional help from a psychotherapist who is a trauma therapist.

Many people are amazed that they can not only heal from a traumatic experience but also find personal meaning and feelings of transcendence.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to heal from psychological trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Redefining Happiness and Success For Yourself

Developing your own definition of happiness and success for yourself is part of an important personal growth and development process.

Redefining Happiness and Success For Yourself

Throughout the different stages of your life, you could find yourself redefining what happiness and success means to  you as you grow and change.

It's not unusual for people to change what they want, especially as they approach midlife and reevaluate their lives (see my articles:  Midlife Transitions: Reassessing Your Life and Midlife Transitions: Living the Life You Want).

Sometimes, what seemed important at an earlier stage in your life becomes less important later on in life.

Maturity, life experience, losses, aging, surviving a serious illness and other important experiences can contribute to your need to reevaluate your life and what makes you happy.

The following brief fictionalized scenarios are examples of how people change their minds about what's important to them:

Larry:

Larry came from a long line of doctors in his family.  His great grandfather, grandfather, father and older brother were all doctors.  So, from an early age, his family urged him to follow in his family's footsteps to become a doctor.

Redefining Happiness Success For Yourself

Although Larry was interested in painting, his father urged him to forget about his artwork and concentrate on science and math.

Fifteen years after Larry graduated from medical school, he was a successful cardiologist at a prestigious hospital, but he was deeply unhappy.  Although he cared about his patients, he was disenchanted with all the changes in the health field and he longed to get back to painting.

Burnt out and at his wit's end, he began therapy to explore what he wanted to do with the rest of his life.  Gradually, over time, Larry realized that he allowed his family to dictate what it meant to be successful and happy because he didn't want to disappoint them.  And, although he was good at taking care of his patients, he wasn't nurturing himself.  So, he decided to cut back on his hours to give himself time to paint.

Once he began painting, he felt more emotionally integrated and approached his work as a cardiologist with a new sense of purpose and devotion.  He also began to think about spending more time painting when he retired.

Mary

Mary spent most of her adult life in banking.  She started as a teller and worked her way up to a position as a managing director.  Although the work was financially rewarding, Mary felt that something was missing in her life.  She was two years away from retirement and she found herself daydreaming about running a bed and breakfast in the country.

Initially, she pushed these thoughts out of her head because they seemed so far fetched to her.  But, over time, as this daydream continued to occupy her thoughts, she realized that she needed to pay attention to them.

Redefining Happiness and Success For Yourself

When she approached her husband about it, he was surprised at first because Mary had never mentioned this to him before.  But the idea of moving out of the city, living in the country and running a small bed and breakfast began to appeal to him.  Their children were already grown and on their own.  With their retirement savings, they could afford to do it.

The main challenge for Mary was that, since she was in her early 20s, she had defined herself, to a large extent, based on her career in banking.  She was also very successful in her field and she derived satisfaction from being recognized as successful.  Retiring from banking and running a bed and breakfast would be a big change.

As she discussed her daydreams with her therapist, she began to feel more comfortable with the idea of making plans for this major change.

Martin

Martin spent his 20s working as a flight attendant.  Although he loved the travel benefits, he found the work uninspiring.

After a close friend died suddenly from a brain aneurysm, Martin began to reevaluate his life.  He realized that life is short and he wanted to do something that had meaning for him.   But he didn't know what he wanted to do.

Feeling lost and confused, he began therapy to explore these questions.  As he opened up to his internal experience in therapy, he realized that he wanted to help others.  Exploring many options by talking to people in various medical and social service settings, he decided to become a social worker.

Redefining Success For Yourself

Although giving up the travel benefits was hard, as Martin began his first internship in the social services field, he knew that he had made the right choice.  Working with children and seeing the difference that he made in their lives was the most fulfilling experience of his life.

Conclusion

These fictionalized scenarios are just a few examples of how people grapple with a need for change and a process of redefining what is meaningful to them.

These types of changes are often preceded with ambivalence and anxiety.  In many circumstances, it can feel like you're stepping into the unknown, which is why people going through this process often find it helpful to work with an experienced mental health professional who can help them to understand and work through the underlying issues, including deep underlying fears, that might be holding them back.

Getting Help in Therapy
Asking for help isn't always easy.  Anticipating change can also be anxiety provoking.

If you're struggling with your own definition of what it means for you to be successful and happy or you identify with one of the fictionalized scenarios above, you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed mental health professional.

Working with a licensed psychotherapist, you can explore your own anxiety and ambivalence about what it means to be successful and happy, and overcome the underlying issues that might be getting in your way.

Seeing a licensed psychotherapist to help you to discover what makes you happy can help you to lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

A Search For Inner Meaning

Many people approaching their mid-life and beyond begin to search for the inner meaning to their lives. 

This search for inner meaning can be a time of confusion and doubt and it can also be an enriching time of personal growth and greater satisfaction with life.

A Search For Inner Meaning

Much depends on how you approach this time, your attitude, and what's going on for you at the time. When clients come to see me about this development in their lives, I usually encourage them to see it as "a process rather than an event," a concept borrowed from the 12 Step programs, as their process unfolds.

During this personal search for inner meaning, a question that often comes up is:  What is happiness?  Of course, there is no one-size-fits-all answer.  

But people often find that what they thought would make them happy:  more money, a bigger house, a more expensive car, and other expensive acquisitions, brings them a surge of gratification that is short lived.  

Once that surge is gone, another surge requires another, possibly bigger and better purchase, to create the next experience of excitement. And on and on it goes, requiring more and greater quick fixes to excitement.

But is this really happiness?

Book:  The Secrets of Happiness - Three Thousand Years of Searching for the Good Life
I've been very curious about the history and different cultural views about happiness and inner meaning.

While I was reading The Geography of Bliss - One Grump's Search for the Happiest Places in the World by Eric Weiner, I came across a reference to the book, The Secrets of Happiness - Three Thousand Years of Searching for the Good Life by Professor Richard Schoch.

Professor Schoch is a professor of History at the University of London, and director of their Graduate School in Humanities and Social Sciences.

In his book, he explores three thousand years of history about people from various times, from the ancient Greeks to modern times, and how happiness and the good life were defined during those periods.

This includes philosophical and spiritual beliefs of the Utilitarians, the Epicureans, Hinduism, Buddhism, the Stoics, Judaism, Christianity, and Islam, an how their beliefs relates to their definitions of happiness.

I've been enjoying reaching Professor Schoch's thought-provoking book, which is written in an accessible way (available as an e-book).

I was surprised to discover how, people's perception of happiness have changed dramatically over time.  I won't write any spoilers here, but I recommend that, if this is a topic that interests you, you read Professor Schoch's book.

I think you'll be in for a treat and might even question how you define happiness and inner meaning for yourself.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  I work with individual adults and couples.  

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.