Are You Ignoring the Early Warning Signs in Your New Relationship?

It's very easy to ignore the early warning signs in a new relationship.  Often, in hindsight, people recognize that there were glaring warning signs early on of problems that they chose to ignore.  If you've never done this yourself, and most of us have at one point or another, you might wonder why anyone would choose to ignore these warning signs of problems to come.

Are You Ignoring the Early Warning Signs in Your New Relationship?

One common reason is that when you really like someone during the early stage of a relationship, you might have blinders on without even realizing it.  Other people, who are not involved in the relationship, might be able to see these early warning signs a lot faster.  They might be more objective than you, especially if you're really smitten with this new person.  Another reason is that it's easy to have romantic fantasies about someone you really like before you really know him or her very well.

You might not see the early warning signs in your new relationship because you're wearing blinders.

The following fictionalized vignette is an example of how easy it is to ignore the early warning signs of problems in a relationship:

Gina:
The first time that Gina went out with Ray, she thought she detected alcohol on his breath.  It was early afternoon and she wondered about this, but she dismissed these nagging thoughts, telling herself that he often entertained clients, and he might have met a client for brunch, including drinks, before he came to see her.  Rather than focus on her doubts, she chose to focus on having a good time with Ray.  She really liked him and she thought he might have all the qualities that she wanted in a man.  She was hoping that they would eventually be in a relationship.  She often had secret fantasies about how it might be to be in a committed relationship with him.  Maybe they'd get married.  She didn't want anything to get in the way of a serious relationship developing between them.

When she went out with him for a fifth date, he took a call from someone and placed a bet on a football game.  Gina noticed how happy and excited he became as he placed the bet.  It was like he was experiencing "a rush." After he got off the phone, he turned to her and said, somewhat sheepishly, "I hope you don't mind that I took that call from my bookie.  There's the potential to make big money on this bet."  Gina, who was a little naive about these things, had never known anyone who had a bookie. She wondered about this, but she quickly brushed it off.  Her feelings for Ray were getting deeper, and she didn't want to spoil the evening.

As they continued to see each other, Gina found herself thinking about Ray nearly all the time.  One day, when they went out to dinner, Gina noticed that Ray wasn't his usual dynamic, optimistic, charismatic self.  He seemed distracted and somewhat down in the dumps.  When she asked him about it, he told her that he lost a lot of money in a poker game.  Then, he seemed to shrug it off and brighten up, saying he would recoup his money in the next poker game.

A few days later, when he came to see her, Ray was noticeably drunk.  He was slurring his words and he was a little unsteady on his feet.  Realizing that Gina could see that he was drunk, he suggested that they stay at her apartment rather than go out.  He said he didn't want to risk getting pulled over by the police.  Gina was concerned at this point and asked Ray about his drinking.  Ray responded that he was   having "a cycle of bad luck," he lost more money at poker, and he had a few drinks to calm his nerves.  He assured her that he didn't have a drinking problem.  Gina wondered about this, but then she told herself that Ray had a very responsible and successful career.  If he was really an alcoholic, she thought to herself, he wouldn't be so successful.  She told herself that he was probably going through a rough patch and she shouldn't worry about it.

Then, several months later, a few days went by and Gina didn't hear from Ray.  This was unusual because he usually called her every day.  She tried to reach him, leaving messages on his voicemail, but he didn't call her back.  She began to worry and wonder if something happened to him.  Since she had the key to his apartment, she went over, rang the doorbell, and when he didn't answer, she let herself in.  What she saw shocked her.  She froze at the threshold.  The apartment, which was a beautiful, luxury apartment in a doorman building, was a wreck.  Whenever she had been there in the past, it was always so well maintained.  But on that day, there were liquor bottles strewn all over the floor and the whole place looked like it had been turned upside down.

When Gina recovered enough to walk into the bedroom, her mouth dropped open when she saw Ray in bed with two scantly dressed women, and all of them were snorting cocaine.  When he saw Gina standing there, he shouted at her to get out.  Gina had never seen Ray like this before.  She was so shocked by what she saw that she felt frozen on the spot for what seemed like a long time.  When Ray got out of bed and lunged at her, Gina ran out in tears.

For a few weeks after that, Gina refused to take Ray's calls.  She felt like a fool.  He left several messages apologizing for his behavior, he sent apologetic emails, and sent her flowers.  He was relentless in pursuing her.  She began to feel harassed by him.  Finally, she sent him an email and told him never to contact her again, and he never did.

Gina was very upset with Ray, but she was even more upset with herself.  She realized that, all along, there had been signs that Ray had an addictive personality, but she chose to ignore these early signs.  Now, in hindsight, she realized that she kept making excuses for his behavior.  As she talked about what happened to her best friend, she realized that she had done this several times before with other men.  At that point, she recognized that she had a propensity to ignore some obvious "red flags" with men she was interested in, and she no longer trusted her judgment.  At that point, she decided to start therapy to break this pattern.  She never wanted to go through anything like this again.

Learning from Experience

Hindsight is 20-20

As the saying goes, "Hindsight is always 20-20."  When we look back and reflect on it, it's so much easier to see our mistakes than when we're in the situation.  Rather than beating yourself up about it, it's much better to learn from these experiences and to stop making the same mistakes.

Learn From Prior Experiences in Relationships

Sometimes, people can learn to overcome these errors in judgment on our own.  For other people, who continue to make the same mistakes over and over again, it's often worthwhile to seek professional help from a licensed mental health practitioner.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you continually find yourself ignoring the early warning signs in one relationship after the next, you owe it to yourself to get professional help.  When you learn to stop ignoring the signs that there are serious problems, it's possible for you to make better choices and enhance the quality of your life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist  

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Photo Credits: Photo Pin

Overcoming Childhood Trauma that Affects Your Adult Relationships

Many people are unaware of how much their attitudes and feelings about relationships are affected by early childhood traumatic experiences.  Attitudes and emotions can be unconscious, especially when it comes to romantic relationships.  

When we start to observe our own thoughts and feelings about relationships, we can begin to question in a more objective way whether or not these thoughts and feelings are distorted based on childhood experiences. 

Overcoming Childhood Trauma that Affects Your Adult Relationships

The following is a vignette which, as always, is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information changed to protect confidentiality:

Angie:
Angie, who was in her mid-30s, came to therapy because she had longstanding problems in her relationships with men.  Her pattern was that she would meet a man that, initially, she would really like but, after a while, she would begin to fear that she could not trust him.

Angie was aware that these feelings of mistrust weren't based on anything that was actually going on in the relationship.  It was more of a sense that she got.  She would try to dismiss her fear, but it would become increasingly uncomfortable for her to remain in the relationship.  Soon after that, she would find it too uncomfortable and she would end the relationship abruptly.  The pattern was that, after she ended the relationship, she would feel relieved for a while because she was no longer consumed with fear.  But soon after that she would feel very lonely and question whether she had been right to end the relationship.

There were times when she was in and out of the same relationship, unable to decide if she should stay or if she should go.  Her ambivalence and fear created emotional chaos for herself as well as whoever she was seeing at the time.  It also made her feel unstable and unsure of herself.  She felt she couldn't trust her own judgment in these situations.

After a particularly difficult relationship ended, where she was in and out several times, she decided that she needed psychological help to try to understand why she was unable to maintain a relationship with anyone.   She was beginning to worry that she wouldn't ever be able to sustain a romantic relationship.  She wanted to be in a stable relationship, get married, and have children.  She feared that if she didn't change, she would never get married and she wouldn't have children.

Angie's early childhood was chaotic.  Her father, who was a salesman and an active alcoholic, had difficulty holding onto a job.  As an intelligent, charismatic man, he would impress employers, initially, as a very promising salesperson.  He had a way with customers that soon won them over.  At the start of each job, he would be making good commissions on the services that he sold.  But sooner or later, his performance would suffer due to his alcoholism.  He would stop showing up for work.  He would stop responding to customer calls.  And soon after that, he would be fired.

Angie's mother was rather passive.  She tried as best as she could to keep the family financially afloat, but the family finances were often precarious.  They also moved around a lot from one city to the next as Angie's father lost one job and started another.  Angie would only spend one or two years in a particular school, making friends and then having to say goodbye when the family moved to a new city.

Angie loved both of her parents a lot, but she also felt angry with each of them.  She couldn't understand why her father, who was a loving dad, couldn't just stop drinking.  Whenever he was "on the wagon," he seemed happier and more optimistic. At those times, she felt hopeful that he was on an upward spiral.

He would come home from work, whistling a tune, pick her up, swing her around, kiss her mom, and talk about his workday in a glowing, happy way.  During those times, Angie saw her dad as her hero.  She felt there wasn't anything that he couldn't do.  Unfortunately, those times didn't last very long.  Then, Angie would find her father in the den, brooding, consumed with his own thoughts, drinking whiskey, and in a dark mood.  If he saw her looking at him, he would silently close the door.

Angie could never reconcile these two sides of her father.  After a while, she learned to be very vigilant  to try to determine if he was the happy, loving father that she loved or if he was in one of his dark, emotionally inaccessible moods and often drunk states.  She worried a lot, and she hated her mother at times for being so passive.

By the time she went away to college, Angie was relieved to be away from her parents.  She continued to worry about them but, at least, she didn't have to be in the day-to-day chaos of life at home.  In high school, she had both male and female friends, but she didn't date, feeling too shy and unsure of herself. In college, she began to feel a little more confident, which enabled her to start dating.

From the start, Angie felt increasingly anxious whenever her feelings for a man developed to more than just a physical attraction.  Her friends were her sounding board about her relationships, and she would spend a lot of time talking to them about whether she could trust whoever she was seeing.  When her fears became unbearable, she would break off the relationship, often against her friends' advice.  They would try to tell her that her fears were baseless, but she couldn't tolerate her anxiety any more and would feel compelled to end the relationship.  This became her pattern in relationships.

Overcoming Childhood Trauma that Affects Your Adult Relationships

In therapy, Angie started making connections between her chaotic relationships and the chaos of her childhood, especially her relationship with her father.  But this was only the beginning.  

Having an intellectual understanding of her problem was not enough to allow her to change her pattern in her relationships.  She needed to work through the earlier trauma.  Her therapist recommended that they work through the earlier trauma using a mind-body oriented psychotherapy called Somatic Experiencing.

Using Somatic Experiencing, Angie was able to develop not just an intellectual understanding about her problems but, more importantly, she able to overcome the damage of her earlier history so that it no longer dominated her adult life.  Over time, she was able to develop a satisfying relationship with a man  without being overcome by her usual fears.

Somatic Experiencing - A Mind-Body Psychotherapy
Somatic Experiencing is not a "magic bullet."  It requires an openness and willingness to do trauma work.   As opposed to regular talk therapy, it tends to be more effective in allowing psychotherapy clients to overcome emotional trauma that has been affecting them, often for many years.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, Somatic Experiencing therapist, and EMDR therapist who works with individual adults and couples.  I am certified in mind-body oriented psychotherapy.  

I have helped many clients to work through childhood trauma that had been negatively impacting them so that they could lead more fulfilling lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also, see article:  Fear of Dealing with Past Childhood Trauma

When "Family Loyalty" Gets in the Way of Your Psychotherapy Sessions

"What's said in this house stays in this house" is a phrase that many people heard as children when they were growing up, usually said by a parent, grandparent or another adult family member in a stern tone.  As children, many of us learned that family loyalty, with all that this implies about not talking about the family's personal business or family secrets, was a very important cultural value.  For someone who was raised with a strong sense of family loyalty, it can be difficult to start therapy and talk about family problems.  It can make a person feel guilty, ashamed, and ambivalent about therapy.  How can he or she reconcile the need to overcome unresolved family of origin issues with a strong sense of family loyalty?

"Family Loyalty" Can Get in the Way of Your Therapy Sessions

Feeling Like You're Betraying Your Family By Going to Therapy

For many people in therapy, who struggle with this dilemma, it can feel like they're betraying their family by even going to therapy, especially if their problems involve past or current family issues.  This becomes even more of a challenge if family members were not encouraged to be individuals while, at the same time, being a member of the family.  If there was an all-or-nothing attitude about this--you could either be your own person or a loyal family member (but not both), this dilemma becomes even more of a problem.

The following vignette, which is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information changed to protect confidentiality, is an example of this dilemma:

Betty:

Betty, who was a first generation American, was raised in a very traditional family.  Family loyalty was paramount.  Her father often warned Betty and her siblings that the only people they could ever really trust was their family.  It was all well and fine to have friends, their father told them, but they should never put friends above their family.  They were raised to believe that they should never talk about family matters with "outsiders."  "Outsiders" were considered to be anyone who was not part of the immediate family.  

Most of Betty's siblings didn't leave the family home until they were married.  This is how it was for her parents, her grandparents, and prior generations.  But after Betty graduated from the local college, she began feeling stifled at home.  She longed to move out of the family home and away from their neighborhood in Brooklyn, which felt like a small town to Betty, so she could live in Manhattan with her friends.  As the youngest child and the only remaining child at home, she wanted to have a greater sense of autonomy.  

When Betty told her parents that she wanted to move out, they were very upset.  They couldn't understand why Betty would want to do this.  They had led such insular lives and it was so far from their own experiences that they didn't know how to respond.  They framed the issues in terms of family loyalty:  Wouldn't Betty rather stay with her family, who care about her, instead of living with "so called friends"?  Why would she want to spend money on rent when she could live at home for free?   Why not just wait until she met "a nice young man" to settle down with?

Betty tried to explain to her parents why she wanted to move out, but they couldn't understand her need  to spread her wings.  It was diametrically opposed to their core values.  She loved her parents and didn't want to upset them.  She felt torn between her parents' needs and her own.  But, ultimately, she knew she needed to be more independent, so she moved out.

Betty's world opened up to new and exciting experiences once she moved out.  She had a successful career, good friends, and a new boyfriend.  Things seemed to be going well for Betty and her boyfriend at first.  But a year later, Betty's boyfriend broke up with her to return to his former girlfriend.  Betty was heart broken.  Her friends suggested that she attend psychotherapy to deal with this loss.  

When Betty began therapy and it was time to talk about her family history, she felt very hesitant.  She felt like she was betraying her family.  She didn't want her family to be analyzed by her therapist.  On an intellectual level, she understood that talking about her family history is part of treatment, but she found it very hard, on an emotional level, to do this.  Her sense of family loyalty made it difficult to even talk about the most basic things about her family.  How could she balance her own needs with this sense that she shouldn't reveal personal aspects about her family?

It took a while for Betty to feel comfortable enough to talk about her family.  She almost felt as if her parents were standing behind her in the therapy room.  Over time, she built a rapport and a sense of trust with her therapist and she could talk more easily.  As she heard herself speak, she realized that, even though she loved her family very much, she also felt emotionally oppressed by them at times.  Gradually, she also learned that it was actually healthy for her to have her own sense of self, separate from her family, and she could love her family and still have some resentment towards them.  It wasn't an either-or thing.  She learned that she wasn't betraying her family by talking about them in her family sessions.  It wasn't a matter of complaining about them, but working through issues that involved them.  

Issues About Family Loyalty Can Come Up at Any Age

This vignette is about a woman in her 20s who, among other things, was struggling to differentiate herself from her family.  But issues about family loyalty often come up for psychotherapy clients in their 30s, 40s, 50s and beyond.  It can come up long after a person feels he or she worked out these issues.  People can be emotionally vulnerable to this at different stages in their lives.  

Struggling with the need to take care of oneself vs the need to be loyal to one's family can be even more challenging if there was physical, emotional or sexual abuse, alcoholism, or other family secrets.  

You Can Take Care of Yourself and Still Love Your Family

When you're engaged in your own therapy, you can learn to take care of yourself while, at the same time, you can still love your family.  It doesn't have to be an either-or choice.  And, unlike stereotypical ideas about psychotherapy, therapy is not about blaming your family.  There is a recognition that we are all, for better or worse, affected by our early childhood experiences.  But we're not slaves to those experiences.  As evolved adults, we learn that we can love ourselves as well as our families, if we choose to, and there's no contradiction in this.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR therapist, and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples, and I've helped many clients to overcome their struggles with family issues so they could lead more fulfilling lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

For a related topic, you can read my article: 
How Do We Balance Our Own Needs with Being Responsive to the Needs of Our Loved Ones?

Attention-Seeking Behavior in Therapy: Understanding Factitous Disorder

Factitious disorder (FD) is a complex psychological disorder in which patients either intentionally produce or pretend to have medical or psychological disorders.  The intent is to be in the patient role and to garner sympathy from the medical or psychological practitioner.  This is different from malingering where the patient pretends to have a problem in order to gain some form of external benefit  (e.g., disability payments, Workers Compensation, etc) or to get drugs, like pain killers.

Attention-Seeking Behavior:  Understanding Factitious Disorder

In this blog post, I'll focus on factitious disorder in the psychotherapy office rather than the medical office with the following case example which, as always, is a composite of many different cases and does not identify any one person:

Mary
Mary, who was in her early 40s, had already been in therapy with many therapists in the past.  She rarely remained in therapy for more than a few sessions with most therapists.  She had many complaints about her prior therapists--they didn't understand her, they were shocked by her trauma history, they probably had not dealt with their own trauma history, they said inappropriate and unempathic things to her, and they questioned the authenticity of what she told them.

She told her new therapist in their first session together that she hoped the therapist would be able to handle hearing some horrific things about her early childhood.  She wanted to know, right from the start, if the therapist could deal with hearing about the gruesome details of her childhood sexual and physical abuse.  She was "tired" of having to seek out one therapist after the next in hopes of getting psychological help.

Mary's new therapist, who was an experienced mental health practitioner, listened intently and assured Mary that she had a lot of experience with trauma and she doubted there would be anything that Mary could say that she had not heard before.  The therapist thought to herself that she could form a rapport with Mary in treatment, but Mary's dramatic presentation and the fact that Mary went from one therapist to the next ("therapist hopping") concerned her.  She remained open to listening to Mary in a respectful and empathic way, and she continued to pay attention to her own internal promptings as to what might be going on.

Over the next three sessions, Mary presented her childhood history in a very dramatic way.  She presented everyone in her family (mother, father, siblings, aunts, uncles, grandparents on both sides, cousins, nieces and nephews) in a negative light.  Each one of them had harmed her in some way, either physically, sexually, or emotionally.  Everyone who was in a position to help had been either completely unhelpful, incompetent or somehow aided and abetted in the abuse.  This included teachers, principals, clergy, neighbors, family friends, the police, the court system, and the child welfare system.  Everyone was implicated in some way.

By the fourth session, Mary's therapist, who was following Mary's account very closely and taking notes, began to notice significant inconsistencies in Mary's story from one session to the next.  Mary watched the therapist in a wary sort of way, as if she expected the therapist to say or do something that would upset her.  She needed a lot of assurance that her therapist felt empathic towards her.  When the therapist tactfully asked for clarification about some of the more glaring inconsistencies, Mary exploded. She accused the therapist of being just like all her prior therapists--unempathic and unhelpful.    Then, she said she was ending therapy, she would find another therapist, and she left abruptly.  She was unresponsive to telephone calls from the therapist and, by the next week, she was having her first session with a different therapist.

Factitious disorder is a very difficult disorder to treat.  Aside from it being a complicated diagnosis, people often don't remain in treatment long enough with any one therapist.  They have a tendency to go "therapist hopping," just as people with this disorder tend to do in medical settings.  As soon as they sense that the therapist has doubts about the authenticity of their stories, they're gone.  Their intent is to get as much sympathy as possible and they don't want to be found out.

Attention-Seeking Behavior in Therapy: Understanding Factitous Disorder

Often, people with fictitious disorder do have histories of trauma, but usually not to the extent that they are portraying it.  They also often have a coexisting personality disorder, like borderline personality disorder.

Factitious Disorder:  The Importance of the Therapeutic Alliance
If the client with factitious disorder remains long enough and the therapist has built a therapeutic alliance with the client, broaching the topic of fictitious disorder can be a very delicate but necessary part of the process.  The therapist must have the ability to remain empathic, even while he or she knows the client is not being forthcoming and is trying to manipulate.

The therapist must remain focused on the client's intent--the need to feel cared about.   When the therapist and client have a good enough rapport, the therapist can then bring up the diagnosis of factitious disorder in a tactful, caring, and professional manner.

The goal would be to have the client admit that he or she has been attempting to manipulate and then getting to the underlying psychological issues.   If the client will allow this, there is hope that he or she can overcome this disorder and stop engaging in self sabotaging their treatment and their lives.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR therapist, and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about it, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Dating Again in Your 40s, 50s, 60s and Beyond

For many people who have ended long term relationships or marriages, entering the dating world for the first time in a long time when you're in your 40s and beyond can be challenging.  A lot has changed  in the dating scene, and it can be intimidating.

Dating Again in Your 40s, 50s, 60s and Beyond

When you're in your teens and 20s, it's easier to meet other single people because you're thrown together in high school or college. You don't have to make as much of an effort as you do when you're older and you have to seek people out.

After the end of a long term relationship, you might have a lot of mixed feelings about getting out into the dating world again.  

On the one hand, a lot of insecurities can come up for you about your age, your weight, your looks, and the fact that you're not familiar with this new world of dating.  It's tempting to stay home with the covers over your head and eat a pint of ice cream.  

Dating Again in Your 40s, 50s, 60s and Beyond

But, on the other hand, if you don't want to be alone, and there aren't a line of people standing outside your door dying to meet you, you need to make an effort to get over your fears and get out to meet people.

I won't go into all the ways there are to meet people these days, whether it's online dating services, speed dating, singles events or other activities.  This information is readily available.  I will add a note of caution that it's always best to meet people in a public place, especially before you get to know them well.  

I have worked with many clients who have found themselves single again after many years.  Their anxiety about entering this new phase of their lives is understandable, but many of them eventually felt an excitement about the possibility of meeting new people and having new experiences.

One woman, who loved to dance and who was married to a man for many years who hated dancing, was thrilled to meet a man who shared her enthusiasm for dancing.  They took ballroom dancing lessons together and had a great time together.  It opened up a whole new world for her.

I've know at least six or seven couples in their 50s and 60s who met online after being divorced or widowed for a long time.  They're having more fun now than when they were teenagers.  And they feel younger than they've felt in a long time.

Rather than engaging in a lot of negative self talk and indulging all your fears, have a positive attitude of openness and curiosity, and have fun.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR therapist, and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.  I have helped many people to overcome their fears about entering into new phases in their lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also, see my article:  Dating vs Being in a Relationship

Coping with a Close Friend's Betrayal

For many of us, our close friends are like a second family.  For some of us, who might have contentious relationships with our immediate family, we might rely even more on our close friendships for emotional sustenance and support.  We rely on and trust in our friendships, which makes it so painful when we find out that we've been betrayed by a close friend.

Coping With a Close Friend's Betrayal

When we think about coping with a betrayal, we usually associate it with the betrayal of a spouse or family member, not a betrayal by a close friend.  It's not a topic that is often written about in psychological literature, even though such betrayals often cause a great deal of emotional pain.  We expect close friends to be there for us emotionally, to be there for the good times as well as during rough patches in our lives.  Close friends are people we confide in and who confide in us.  We feel understood by our close friends, sometimes even more so than our spouses and immediate family.  We might even idealize our close friendships.  And we might have blind spots with certain friends.

There are many different types of betrayals that can occur in friendships.  The one that most often comes to mind and is portrayed in books and movies (as well as in "real life") is when a friend gets involved with one's spouse or romantic partner.  But there are other betrayals that can also hurt and be very difficult to come to terms with emotionally because of the trust that we usually place in close friendships.

Clinical Vignette:

The following fictionalized account, which is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information changed, is an example of a close friend's betrayal that is not discussed as often.

Mary and Alice:
Mary and Alice became best friends in high school and remained best friends in college.  They thought of themselves and described themselves to others as "sisters."  They were actually closer to each other emotionally than they were with their siblings.  They relied on each other for emotional support.  They confided in each other.  Over the years, after college, they helped each other through messy relationships and problems in their marriages.

When Mary found out that her husband, Tom, was cheating on her, the first person that she called was Alice.  Alice provided a shoulder for Mary to cry on, so to speak, and helped her to get through a difficult divorce.  Alice was Mary's emotional "rock," as Mary had been for Alice many times.

A year after her divorce, Mary ran into Tom and his girlfriend, Pat, the woman that he cheated with, in the grocery store.  If she had seen them first, Mary would have turned down a different aisle.  But she found herself in the awkward position of being almost face-to-face with them before she even realized it.  Mary knew Tom's girlfriend because they all went to high school together.  She also knew that Pat had always been interested in Tom and was jealous that Mary was with him.

Even though he cheated on her, Mary was still in love with Tom.  She never would have imagined in a million years that Tom would have an affair.  They were having problems communicating and their sex life had dwindled to almost nothing, but she couldn't believe, until he confessed to her about the affair, that he would ever cheat on her.  Tom wanted to try to work things out in their marriage, but Mary knew it was over.  She divorced him because she realized that she couldn't ever trust him again.

As she passed them in the food aisle and looked away, she felt herself close to tears.  Just as she was about to turn the corner to go in a different direction, she felt someone tapping her on her shoulder.  When she turned around, she was surprised to see Pat.  She was inclined to keep walking and ignore her, but Pat took her elbow and said, "I know you hate me because of what happened.  Everyone blames me for your divorce, but Alice needs to take some of the blame too.  If she hadn't told me about the problems that you and Tom were having, I never would have called him.  You know I was always in love with Tom, but the two of you were together and seemed so happy.  When Alice told me about the problems in your relationship with Tom, I saw a chance, and I thought he would be much happier with me, and I think he is." Without saying another word, Pat walked away.

Hearing these words, Mary felt numb with shock.  She managed to make it through the checkout and drive home in a stupor.  Later that night, when Alice came over, Mary told her about the incident in the grocery store.  She held her breath, hoping that Alice would say something, anything, to contradict what Pat had told her.  But, instead, Alice's face turned a bright red and she looked down at her feet without saying a word.  Then, Mary knew it was true--Alice had betrayed her by talking to Pat about things that Mary told Alice in the strictest of confidence.  Mary was stunned and all she could say was, "Why?  Why did you do this to me?"  Alice remained silent for a long time, and then she said, "I'm sorry I hurt you."  Then, she put her coat on and left.

Mary was left with no real explanation.  Over the next few days and weeks, she could barely think of anything else.  She felt betrayed by her ex-husband and now betrayed by her best friend.  She kept playing the situation over and over again in her mind trying to make sense of why Alice would have betrayed her in this way and with someone that Alice knew was interested in Tom.  How could she do this?

A month or so later, she received an email from Alice apologizing for the betrayal.  She said she never meant to hurt Mary, and she never thought it would contribute to the demise of Mary's marriage.  But she gave no explanation.  All she said was that she didn't know why she did it.  This was the first contact that they had for a while.  So, Mary was left to sort this out on her own.  She had other friends, but her sense of trust had taken a real blow, and she wondered if she could trust her other friends.

By the time Mary came to therapy, she was at a low point.  It took her a while to feel that she could trust her therapist.  Gradually, she established a rapport with her therapist and she began to sort out the double betrayal of her husband and her best friend.  She didn't completely blame Alice for Tom's affair because she realized that he was an adult and he made his own decisions about being unfaithful.  But she felt almost as violated by Alice's betrayal as by Tom's.

Over time in therapy, Mary began to realize that there had been signs all along that Alice could be indiscreet, but Mary chose to ignore them.  Alice would often tell Mary about very private things that other people had confided in Alice.  This made Mary feel uncomfortable, but she never thought Alice would betray her.  She realized that she didn't use good judgment in confiding in Alice.

It took a while for Mary to work through the double loss of her husband and her best friend, and to feel good about herself again.  She became closer with other friends over time.  She began dating a man that she really liked.  Eventually, she forgave Alice, but she didn't forget about the betrayal, and they were never really friends again.  Gradually, the pain of this double betrayal receded into the background and took its place as she moved on with her life.

Trust is Difficult After a Friend's Betrayal
The vignette above is just one example of many.  As this case illustrates, a close friend's betrayal can really knock our sense of trust in others as well as ourselves.  We question not just why we were betrayed by a close friend, but we question ourselves as to either we betrayed ourselves by trusting this friend in the first place.

This type of betrayal can be very difficult to overcome on your own because it often challenges us to the core of our beings.  Seeking professional help can provide the support you need to get through a traumatic betrayal.  If, unfortunately, you find yourself in a situation where you've been betrayed by a friend and you're unable to overcome this problem on your own, you owe it to yourself to seek the help of a licensed mental health professional.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR therapist and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples. 

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

Overcoming the Traumatic Effects of Childhood Trauma

Growing up as a child who was emotionally neglected or  abused is a very painful experience and has emotional consequences when that child becomes an adult.  Whether this is due to narcissistic parents who were so self involved that they were not attuned to the child or for other similar reasons, it is a lonely and hurtful experience.

Overcoming the Effects of Childhood Trauma

Many adults who grew up emotionally neglected or abused as children feel inadequate or like there's something wrong with them.  They often feel flawed and that they're not lovable.

One blog post cannot possibly do justice to such an enormous topic.  There are many forms of emotional abuse and neglect.  The following short vignettes, which are not about any one particular person, are representative of some forms of emotional abuse or neglect:

Betty:

When Betty was a young child (between the ages of 7-10) her parents would often leave her alone at home so they could go bar hopping with friends.  She was very afraid of being home alone, which is normal for a young child, and she would beg them not to leave her.  But her parents would dismiss her concerns, telling her she was "being ridiculous" and calling her "a cry baby" as they slammed the front door behind them.  Betty grew up feeling insecure and doubting that her needs would ever be met in any relationship.

John:

John's parents split up when he was only four years old, and he remained with his mother.  His mother was bitter and angry about the breakup, and whenever she would get angry with John, she would look at him with disgust and say, "You're just like your father."  Then, she would withdraw from him emotionally, and he felt lonely and sad.  As an adult, John felt that any woman that he liked wouldn't like him.  He felt he always had to prove himself and go above and beyond so the woman he was interested in would like him.  He felt that no woman would ever find him lovable.

Mary:

Mary grew up primarily around her mother.  Her father traveled a lot for his job and when he was home, he was preoccupied with work and had little time for her.  Mary's mother was a very beautiful and self centered woman.   The only time that she paid attention to Mary was when Mary was admiring or complimenting her.  Mary learned, at a very young age, that she had to subordinate her own feelings and sense of self in order to get her mother's attention.  As an adult, she was attracted to highly narcissistic men who were unable to take her emotional needs into account.

In all of this fictionalized brief vignettes we can see the damaging effects of being a child who was not seen or heard by parents.  Under optimal circumstances, parents who are emotionally attuned to their children see their children as individuals with their own emotional needs.  Emotionally attuned parents can take in their children's feelings with empathy and understanding.  Of course, this doesn't mean that they should give their children everything that they want without regard for whether it's good for them.  It means that they can set aside their own concerns for a while to understand their children's concerns.

There are times when parents might want to be empathetic and understanding but, due to life circumstances beyond their control, they're unable to.  For instance, if a single mother has no choice but to work long hours to support her children, and she's not around to be nurturing, the children can feel emotionally neglected:

Edward:

After Edward's father left the household (when Edward was 13 years old), his mother had to take on three jobs just to make ends meet.  Edward's grandmother lived downstairs, but she was preoccupied with raising three small grandchildren, and she had very little time for Edward, who was her oldest grandchild.  He had to learn to cook for himself, wash his clothes, and take care of many household chores after school.

Overcoming the Effects of Childhood Trauma:  Edward

When his mother was home, she was often exhausted.  Edward always knew that his mother loved him very much, but she no time for him.  She missed school plays that he was in and couldn't come to watch him at his basketball games.  One of his fondest memories was when his mother came to his high school graduation.  But, even then, he was painfully aware that his mother wouldn't get paid for that day at work.  In his first serious relationship, Edward had a hard time expressing his needs because he felt he wasn't entitled to have any of his emotional needs met, which frustrated his girlfriend.

As much as adults, who grew up under similar circumstances to the vignettes above, might understand intellectually that they were not to blame for what happened to them and that their feelings of low self worth are distorted, it's hard to overcome these feelings with just an intellectualized understanding.  

My experience, as a psychotherapist who specializes in working with trauma, has been that regular talk therapy, while it might be somewhat helpful, usually isn't enough to overcome these types of emotional trauma.

Many of my colleagues and I have discovered that a more integrated, mind-body oriented psychotherapy is much more effective to help clients overcome trauma.  This includes EMDR, clinical hypnosis, and Somatic Experiencing.

These mind-body approaches are usually more successful where talk therapy is not.  None of these approaches is "a magic bullet" and there is still work to be done, but I find that, generally, these mind-body approaches work faster and in a more effective way than regular talk therapy.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist.

I provide psychotherapy for individual adults and couples, including EMDR, Somatic Experiencing, clinical hypnosis, and dynamic talk therapy in an empathic treatment environment.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.