Your Workplace Could Feel Like a Dysfunctional Family

Workplace dynamics often mimic dysfunctional family dynamics.  It's no wonder that employees are often emotionally triggered by what goes on at work.

At Work:  Feeling Powerless and Like a Child Again
Over the years, I've heard many psychotherapy clients complain that the dynamics at work, especially  with difficult supervisors, often make them feel that they're back home again when they were children being chastised by their parents.

Your Workplace Could Feel Like a Dysfunctional Family

In many ways, workplace relationships can feel like familial relationships in both positive and negative ways.  When workplace relationships are positive, they can be a source of mutual support in much the same way that siblings support each other.

But when workplace relationships are negative, they can be as competitive and contentious as dysfunctional family members.

When employees come from family backgrounds where there was emotional or physical abuse, they can get emotionally triggered when they work for a difficult supervisor, especially a supervisor who is verbally abusive, demeaning or a bully.

Getting Emotionally Triggered at Work:  Re-Experiencing Childhood Trauma
Most of the time, people who get emotionally triggered at work don't realize it because this is often an unconscious process.

When they get emotionally triggered, they're not only dealing with the current situation but, without realizing it, they're also re-experiencing the emotions from the past.  If these feelings are especially overwhelming, they might realize that they're overreacting to the present situation, but they might not understand why or what's happening to them.

Some employees, who are emotionally triggered by the dysfunctional dynamics at work, might feel anxious or panicky.  They might feel powerless to deal with the situation at work in much the same way that they might have felt powerless when they were children.  If the situation goes on long enough, they might feel depressed.

If it's possible to get out of a dysfunctional work setting, it might be the best recourse.  But it's not always possible to leave.  And there's no guarantee that the next place won't have its own dysfunctional dynamics.

Getting Help in Therapy:  EMDR and Somatic Experiencing
Psychotherapy, like EMDR or Somatic Experiencing, can often help people to overcome the original trauma that is being triggered by the situation at work.

Both EMDR and Somatic Experiencing also help clients to develop emotional resources to deal with the stressors they're experiencing in the here-and-now and differentiate these stressors from the past.

Rather than getting triggered over and over again, if you're in a workplace environment that mimics a dysfunctional family, you could benefit from working with an EMDR or Somatic Experiencing therapist to help you overcome the trauma in your history as well as developing the emotional resources you need for your life now.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my web site:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Living Fully in the Present Moment

Why is living fully in the present moment so hard?  Everyone has different ideas about this.  I believe that most of us tend to focus our thoughts mostly in the past or in the future and relatively little time living in the here and now.

Living Fully in the Present Moment

Living Mostly in the Past or in the Future
For people who live in the past, they often dwell on how life was for them during particular times in their lives.  They might focus on times when they thought life was better.  There's often a yearning to get back to that time, if it was a special time in their lives.  Or, especially when there's been emotional trauma, they might focus on emotional upsets from the past and dwell on them.  Trauma often keeps people stuck in the past if the trauma hasn't been worked through in therapy.

For people who live in the future, they often dwell on thoughts of how they would like to live their lives.  They might spend a lot of time fantasizing about a new relationship, a better job and, overall, living a happier life.  Conversely, they might spend most of their time worrying about the future.

Of course, there's nothing wrong with thinking about your past or your hopes for the future.  It's important to learn from the past and to plan for the future.  But the problem is that when you tend to dwell on these thoughts most of the time, you're not living fully in the present moment and you're missing out on what's going on around you right now, including  your relationships and your environment.  And, by dwelling mostly on the past or the future, you're probably not in touch with your inner emotional world as it is right now.  And dwelling on the past or the future can be a way of escaping from the here and now.

Precious Moments - Even During Difficult Times
I believe that even during difficult times, there can be precious moments that we can miss if we're not attuned to what's happening in the here and now.  It's very easy (and understandable) that when times are tough, we tend to focus on our worries.  Our thoughts might run wild about all the things that could go wrong.  We can get distracted and disorganized, which creates its own problems.  Then, we miss out on what might be precious gems of moments even during an otherwise turbulent time.

Living Fully in the Present Moment

Recently, a close relative was rushed to the emergency room because he was having a heart attack.  Like most people, as I was rushing to the hospital, my first thoughts went to the worst case scenario.  I hailed a cab and told him how to get to the hospital, which was about 30 minutes away from my home.  Instead of following my directions, the cab driver told me he knew of a faster route, so I agreed to go his way.  But, instead of being a faster route, he got lost and, worse still, we were going in the wrong direction.  Then, we got caught in a lot of traffic.

It took all the self discipline that I could muster to stay calm and not lose it with this taxi driver.  All the while, I was worried about getting to the hospital too late.   I had to continually bring my mind back to the present and remember to breathe.  I knew that getting upset wasn't going to help me or the cab driver.

Finally, he was able to turn around and follow my original suggestion for getting to the hospital and we were soon there.  As I reached into my wallet to pay the driver, he looked back at me with kind eyes.  He apologized for getting us lost and told me that he wouldn't charge me for the ride.  In that brief moment, when we made eye contact, I could see that he had a lot of compassion and I sensed from his few words that he understood what I was going through.  It was just a moment in an otherwise chaotic situation, but it was meaningful to me, and I was grateful for it.

During the days when my relative was in the cardiac care unit (CCU), there were other special moments in an otherwise distressful situation, including the care and kindness of the nurses and doctors on staff.  Most of them had worked together as a team on CCU for many years and they seemed to have such a camaraderie among them, which I was very grateful for.  They were very compassionate and skilled in their work.  They also took the time to explain things carefully and in simple terms.  Each night I left the CCU when visiting hours were over, I was able to console myself with the thought that my relative was getting the best of care from people who were concerned about his well being.

There were other moments where friends and a relative that I hadn't seen in many years visited the CCU and brought poignant moments of laughter and comfort.  Getting caught up and feeling rooted in a strong emotional support system gave comfort to my relative who had the heart attack and to me.  It reminded me that, even during very difficult times, there can be precious moments that we could miss if we remain distracted in our thoughts and not living in the present moment.

Fortunately, my relative is on the road to recovery, and he has a very good medical team in place for after care.  His medical emergency was another reminder of how precious life and our relationships with our loved ones are, and how easily we can forget this when we're stuck in our particular default mode of going through life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

Letting Go of Unhealthy Relationships: Unrequited Love

One of the most difficult things to do is to let go of an unhealthy relationship where there is unrequited love.  When you're in a relationship with someone that you love, but who doesn't love you, it's emotionally painful and eroding to your sense of self.  The other person might have his or her own reasons for remaining in the relationship with you but, for you, the focus becomes hoping and doing whatever you can to try to get your partner to love you.  

Letting Go of Unhealthy Relationships:  Unrequited Love

For many people, being part of a relationship where their love is unrequited is an unconscious repetition  of a childhood dynamic with either emotionally absent or narcissistic parents.  The unspoken message from childhood as well as in adult relationships in this dynamic where you love, but the other person doesn't love you, is "You're not good enough."

Achieving clarity about the unhealthy nature of this type of adult relationship is hard because the person who wants to be loved is often completely focused on how to get the other person to love him or her.  Rather than putting him or herself first, this person places the other person's emotional needs first, to his or her own detriment.

A person can become so locked in this dynamic that he or she doesn't see it.  Friends and family often see it before he or she does.

Knowing this, the person whose love is unrequited not only feels the shame of not being loved by the person s/he loves but also feels ashamed that others are making judgments about it, even if loved ones never say anything about it.

When someone, who is involved in a relationship where his or her love isn't returned, comes to therapy to deal with the pain of this dynamic, it's the therapist's job to help this person become aware of the dynamic without being in denial about it.

With awareness comes the ability to make a choice about what to do.  Whether you make a choice to stay or leave, you're no longer a victim because you're consciously making a choice.

An article in yesterday's New York Times, in the Modern Love section, by Hannah Selinger, reminds me of this dynamic (see link below).

Getting Help in Therapy
There are few things sadder than looking back towards the end of your life and regretting that you wasted time with someone who doesn't love you or who doesn't treat you well.  You might realize, at that point, that if you had let go of that relationship earlier, you might have found someone who would have loved you.  But life is short and there aren't any "do overs," so this realization often doesn't help you.

If you're in a relationship where you're the one who is in love, but you know your partner doesn't love you, you know how much this hurts.  If you can get to the point where you can admit to yourself that this has become too painful, you could benefit from seeing a licensed mental health professional, someone who can be objective and nonjudgmental about your situation.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, you can visit my web site:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

New York Times: Modern Love - "Friends Without Benefits" - by Hannah Selinger

Research Study: We're Not Good Predictors of Who We'll Be in the Future

According to a recent New York Times article by John Tierney, a study finds that even when we're able to look back and see that we've changed over the years, we're not good predictors of what we'll be like in the future (see link below).  According to the article, which was conducted with 19,000 people between the ages of 18-68, people expect that, in the future, they won't change much from who they are now.

Research: We're Not Good Predictors of Who We'll Be in the Future

The End of History Illusion
The researchers who conducted the study called this phenomenon "the end of history illusion" because people tend to underestimate how much they'll change in the future, despite how much who they are now changed from the past.

People who participated in the study were asked about current personality traits and preferences (favorite foods, vacations, hobbies, etc) as compared to the past.  They were also asked to make predictions about their personality traits and preferences for the future.  The article indicates that people tended to play down the potential of their changing in the future, assuming that they would be pretty much as they are now.

In the Future, How We'll See Who We Are Now
According to the New York Times article, one of the study's authors, Daniel T. Gilbert, Harvard psychologist, indicated that most people in the study didn't realize that, in the future, they'd look back on who they are now with the same amusement or chagrin as they currently look back on their former selves.

Speculating as to why this phenomenon occurs, the researchers hypothesized that one reason might be that people feel a certain comfort with feeling that they've already reached the peak of their personal evolution, so they don't think they will change in the future.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my web site:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Why You Won't Be the Person You Expect to Be - 
New York Times - by John Tierney

When Our Emotional Attachment to Our Possessions Becomes a Problem For Our Loved Ones

During the last few years, there have been many more articles, books, and even a TV program about hoarding.  There have even been articles about how children of hoarders have been affected by a mother's or father's hoarding. 

All of these stories serve to highlight our emotional attachment to our possessions and how possessions can become imbued with personal symbolic meaning.  Even when our emotional attachment to our possessions doesn't reach the level of hoarding, it can be a psychological problem that causes distress for the person with the problem as well as loved ones who live with him or her.  But this problem can be worked through in  therapy.

Emotional Attachment to Our Possessions Become a Problem For Our Loved Ones

The following fictionalized scenario, which is a composite of many cases with all identifying information changed to protect confidentiality, is an example of how one person's emotional attachment to his possessions can be a problem that can get worked through in therapy:

Joe:
Joe became depressed after his girlfriend of 10 years, Mary, broke up with him.  The breakup occurred four years before, but Joe still missed her everyday.  When they were living together, Mary was the neat one and Joe tended to be more messy.

But after Mary left, Joe went from being messy to accumulating clutter.  The things he accumulated in the house were mostly clothes, books, and mementos from the relationship.  Other than that, he cleaned the house and never accumulated any garbage, the place was habitable, and he had people over.  It never reached the level of "hoarding," but it was still becoming a problem and he feared that this problem might get worse.

Our Emotional Attachment to Our Possessions Becomes a Problem

When he began therapy, he talked about other big losses in his life, including losing both of his parents at an early age.  Prior to Mary leaving, Joe didn't think about their deaths as much as an adult.  But after Mary left, Joe began having dreams of himself as a child searching for his parents.

It became apparent in therapy that the loss of his relationship with Mary triggered this early childhood trauma, and his emotional attachment to his possessions took on a new meaning for him with the triggering of this early trauma.  His possessions became imbued with a personal meaning that he never felt before.  It was as if his possessions were like beloved friends and family members, and he couldn't bare to part with them.

On the one hand, having them around him gave him a certain amount of emotional comfort.  But, on the other hand, the clutter increased his anxiety.  He also felt ashamed about it.  His bedroom closet was filled with clothes that he no longer wore, but they had come to have meaning to him because they were purchased for him by Mary.  His desk and his floor were littered with books and papers that he also associated with Mary.

During his therapy, Joe mourned the loss of his relationship and the loss of his parents.  He learned to nurture the "inner child" in him that he had ignored for years and who was feeling emotionally deprived.

Joe Learned to Mourn His Losses and Nurture His Inner Child So He Could Let Go 

Gradually, he started letting go of the possessions he was accumulating.  In order to let them go, he did a simple ritual in which he thanked each possession for what it "gave" him on a symbolic level.  It was still hard for Joe to let them go, but he did.  Although it was sad for him, he also began to feel less anxious because he could now relax more in his environment.  He also began to take steps to meet other women.

When Possessions Take on a Personal Symbolic Meaning and You Can't Let Go of Them:
In the above scenario, the accumulation of possessions never reached the level of hoarding as we've come to define it.  I think it's important to recognize that people can go through stages in their lives where they develop an emotional attachment to their possessions that isn't hoarding per se but is still problematic.

I believe there's a difference between clutter and hoarding, and it's important to recognize the symbolic meaning of possessions.  Often, possessions take on a symbolic meaning of being like a friend or loved one that provides comfort after a loss.  Under these circumstances, the person usually has mixed feelings about these possessions because, even though they provide a degree of emotional comfort, the clutter also creates anxiety.

Mourning and Problems with Letting Go of Possessions that Belonged to a Loved One
Many people go through a similar feeling when someone close to them dies and they have to get rid of  clothing and other possessions.  Sometimes, they have to wait a while before they can do it because it's just too hard.  They might spend time holding and smelling certain items of clothes that still have the scent of their deceased loved one.  But, eventually, they usually let go of these things because they know they have to do it or they'll remain stuck emotionally.  It's part of the mourning process.

Not Just "Messy" - The Importance of Understanding the Meaning of Holding On
It's not unusual for possessions to take on this symbolic meaning without the person who is affected  realizing it at first.  

A person who begins to accumulate clutter might just see him or herself as "messy" at first without realizing that the possessions have taken on a new meaning.  At that point, it becomes hard to get rid of these things  because who wants to throw out a "loving friend" or "family member"?

This problem is a lot more common than hoarding.   Overcoming this problem isn't easy.  It begins with an awareness that the possessions have become imbued with emotional meaning that goes beyond their functional status.  Then, overcoming the problem involves working on a deeper level, as in the scenario above.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.


Children of Hoarders on Leaving the Cluttered Nest

Pets Can Help Improve Your Mental Health

Psychological research has shown that people with pets, generally speaking, tend to be happier and healthier.  Our pets, whether they are dogs or cats, provide us with emotional support.  They bond with us, and most people see them as family members.

Pets Can Provide Emotional Support for People Who Are Socially Isolated
People who might be experiencing social isolation, often fare better if they have a pet.  Our pets usually love us unconditionally (and how often do you experience that!) and we love them.  They're a source of comfort and can be a source of joy.

Pets Can Improve Your Mental Health

Pets and the Elderly
Assisted living and nursing home facilities have found that the elderly respond to dogs and cats even when they might not respond to other residents or staff.  They enjoy the pet's company, including their physical and emotional warmth, and the tactile sense when they pet them.

I was very moved to hear a story about a cat in a senior residence who instinctively knew when a resident wasn't feeling well.  He would lie on the bed with the resident, providing comfort.  This cat was also attuned to when a elderly resident was about to pass away, and he would stay with the resident until he or she died.  The staff said it often helped the resident to have a peaceful passing.

Pets Can Help Us to Relax and Shift into a Good Mood
Even when you're not around your pet, just thinking about your cat or dog can help you to relax and shift your mood.

I love both cats and dogs, but I'm especially partial to cats.  I had my cat, Hecate, from the time she was about seven weeks old until she died at the age of 19.  Contrary to what people often say about cats, she was very sweet, loving, and cuddly.  When I first got her, she would drape herself across the top of my head at night like a fur hat.  She was also very smart (I know, I know--everyone thinks his or her pet is the cutest and smartest!)

In the morning, Hecate would pat my mouth with her paw to let me know she wanted her breakfast.  She was also very playful.  Once I was looking for her all over the apartment.  

Usually, she would come when I called her name, but this time she wasn't responding, so I was starting to get worried.  Then, as I was standing by the refrigerator wondering where she might be, I felt a tap-tap-tap on my head.  I looked up.  She was standing on top of the refrigerator, giving me a mischievous look. Then, she jumped back to hide again, and slowly creeped to the edge and peered over the side to see if I would play with her which, of course, I did.

Hecate passed away more than 10 years ago now, but all I have to do to shift my mood is to think of her and she still brings a smile to my face and a warm feeling.

Although pets can improve your mental health, they are also a responsibility and not everyone can afford or provide care for a pet.  

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist. I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my web site:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also, see my article:  Coping with Pet Loss

Narcissism: An Emotional Seesaw Between Grandiosity and Shame

The grandiosity that is associated with narcissistic behavior is often a cover up for a great deal of shame.  For people who exhibit narcissistic traits, what appears to others as over confidence or even arrogance is really a thin shell that protects a deeply deflated and hollow sense of self.  Often, people with narcissistic traits are on an emotional seesaw between grandiosity and shame.  

Narcissism: An Emotional Seesaw Between Grandiosity and Shame

A Need for Ever Greater "Narcissistic Emotional Supplies"
To hide their sense of shame, people with narcissistic traits often need to constantly keep themselves pumped up emotionally or expect that others will pump them up.

If they're in high positions of authority, there are usually subordinates who are willing to engage in this charade for whatever they expect to gain from the situation.

Behind the scenes, these subordinates might be secretly laughing at their boss, especially if they see through the boss's grandiose cover up.  But in front of the boss, they're all too willing to continue providing narcissistic strokes.

The problem is usually that, eventually, the pendulum swings the other way and the person with narcissistic traits confronts his or her own deep seated shame and emotional hollowness.

If people with narcissistic traits are unwilling to acknowledge and take steps to overcome the deep sense of shame that fuels this dynamic, they often find themselves in a never-ending quest for more "narcissistic emotional supplies."

This can take many different forms, including an obsession with making more and more money, a craving for ever greater expensive possessions, an obsessive focus on appearance (e.g., a need to appear physically "buff" or having plastic surgery to hide the signs of aging), the need to have a lot of power over others or the need to be surrounded by very attractive  romantic partners.

These so-called "narcissistic emotional supplies" provide only temporary gratification.  Sooner of later, the shame that might have been temporarily kept at bay rises to the surface.

Narcissism:  An Emotional Seesaw Between Grandiosity and Shame

Often, people who are caught in this emotional seesaw between grandiosity and shame don't get help unless there is a significant emotional crisis in their lives.  This could take the form of a spouse getting fed up and leaving, the realization that this dynamic has alienated other close family members like one's children or  losing one's job and thus losing career status.

When people with narcissistic traits go through these types of losses that they cannot assuage in other ways, they're often in a lot of emotional pain, and they don't have the emotional resources to deal with it.

These deeply humbling experiences and the shame that cannot be pushed down any more sometimes brings them to therapy.  For others, who don't get help, they often feel impotent rage or depression.  They might turn to alcohol, drugs, gambling, sexual acting out or other mood-altering behavior to bury their feelings.  This often leads to a further emotional spiraling down.

The origins of shame are as varied as the people who suffer with it.  This kind of deep seated shame, which is covered over by grandiosity, often starts early in life.  It might start as early as the preverbal stage of life.  It can begin with emotional neglect or the lack of emotional attunement or mirroring between the infant and the primary caregiver.

Getting Psychological Help
Getting help to overcome shame takes courage, especially for someone who has spent most of his or her life trying to hide it.

Shame often keeps people with narcissistic traits out of treatment so that the people who usually need the most help never seek it.

If they do seek help, they must be willing to make a commitment to stick with it, and treatment is often long.

These are ingrained characterological traits and require a willingness on the client's part to do in-depth psychological work and the willingness on the therapist's part to do the work with challenging clients.

For those willing to do the work with a skilled clinician, freeing oneself from the emotional seesaw of  grandiosity and shame can be a life changing experience.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist. 

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my web site:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me,

Allow Your Children to Have Dreams and Use Their Imagination

Whenever people tell me that they were scolded as children for being "dreamers," having their "heads in the clouds," and using their imagination, I feel my heart sinking.  I wish more parents understood the value of allowing their children to have dreams and use their imagination.

Allow Your Children to Have Dreams and Use Their Imagination

The Imaginary World of Books
I've mentioned in an earlier blog post that when I was six or seven years old, my dream was to be a writer.  I think this dream developed when I discovered books.  I loved to read.  I loved being able to immerse myself in the imaginary world of the characters in the stories.

My mother was a big proponent of reading.  She began taking me to the public library at least once a week before I started elementary school.  The library, with all its many books, was a magical place to me.  Before I started school, we would go to the library and pick out books.  Then, we would go to the park and she would read to me while I looked wide-eyed at the pictures.

More than anything, when I began school, I wanted to learn to read so I could enter into these imaginary worlds on my own.  There were so many books in the children's section of the library, and I wanted to read all of them.  I was fortunate to have a wonderful first grade teacher, Mrs. Kurtz, who encouraged my interest and gave me books that were a few grade levels above me.

Although my mother was happy that I loved to read, she was uncomfortable with the idea that I wanted to be a writer. She never told me that I couldn't become a writer, but she thought this was very impractical and she worried that I wouldn't be able to support myself as a writer.  When she told my pediatrician that I wanted to be a writer, not only did he not discourage me, but he gave me lots of writing pads, pens, a thesaurus and a dictionary.  He told me that these were the writers' "tools."   He encouraged me to write to my heart's content, and I was delighted.

These "tools" took on an almost magical quality.  I felt very special and grown up, and I used them to write plays that my cousins and I put on in my grandmother's backyard.  In some ways, this was an act of defiance because I knew my mother didn't want me to be a writer.  But no one stopped me or told me not to do it.  Although they were very respectful and attentive at our performances, I think my relatives were amused by it all.  For their 10 cents admission charge to the show, they saw a play (usually a mystery), and afterwards, we entertained the adults by singing popular songs.

The Beatles and My Imaginary World
When I was 12, I discovered the Beatles during their first visit to the US.  I believe their arrival in the US was significant for our country, following our national mourning for President Kennedy.  It took the country out of our doldrums.

It was also very significant for me as a child.  Two years before, my father died suddenly and my world, as I had known it until then, changed forever.  When my friends and I became Beatle fans, like millions of other fans, we fantasized ourselves with our favorite Beatle (my favorite was Paul McCartney).

During the seventh grade, two of my close friends and I each wrote stories about our lives with the Beatles.  Each one of us wrote about what it would be like to be engaged to our favorite Beatle.  As children often do, we entered into that transitional world between imagination and "ordinary reality" in our writing.

Each day, we would come in to class and during break, we would read excerpts from our writing to each other about our adventures with the Beatles.  Sometimes, we read our writing to our teachers, who encouraged us.

New York World's Fair - Flushing, Queens
During the New York World's Fair in Flushing, Queens, my young friends and I pretended that we were from Liverpool.  They were giving out buttons with the names of people's country of origin, and we were thrilled to each get a button that said "Great Britain."  I don't think we fooled anyone with our fake accents, but the adults went along with us.

Fortunately, throughout that time, no one told us to stop day dreaming or to get our heads "out of the clouds."  We were allowed to use our imagination and have fun with it.  We were allowed to play with ideas and different roles.  We were too young to appreciate this then.  But I can look back now and see how crucial it was for my emotional development and well being at that time.

Allowing Children to Use Their Imagination is an Important Part of Their Development
Being allowed to day dream and use my imagination as a child never interfered with my school work, as many parents might fear.  I continued to get good grades.  And, if anything, it enabled me to develop a curiosity about and openness to people and places that were not part of my immediate world.  It also allowed me to have a sense of wonder and hope about my world in the future.

Isn't this what we want for our children?  If so, let's encourage them to play, dream, imagine and flourish.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.




Photo Credit:  photo credit: jaci XIII via photopin cc

Do You Feel Overwhelmed by a Friend's Problems?

Part of being a good friend is being emotionally supportive when a friend needs emotional support. If there is give-and-take between friends, each friend takes turns being supportive and being supported at various points in the friendship. But what happens when you start to feel overwhelmed by your friend's problems?  

Overwhelmed by a Friend's Problems?

Balancing Your Friend's Need for Emotional Support with Your Need for Self Care
It's important to balance your friend's need for emotional support with your need for self care.  It's not always easy to know when to draw the line.  Feelings of being emotionally overwhelmed can creep up on your before you even realize what's happening.  Before you know it, you might feel emotionally and physically depleted, even though this isn't your friend's intention.

Do You Feel Overwhelmed By a Friend's Problems?

After a while, if this is the usual dynamic between you and your friend, you might respond to his or her calls, emails or text messages with mixed feelings.  On the one hand, you might want to be a good friend, but on the other hand, you might also feel apprehensive about responding and feeling emotionally overwhelmed.

You might also sense that your support isn't doing any good, especially if your friend isn't making any effort to change whatever might be bothering him or her.  In some instances, what might occur is that your friend feels better after he or she vents and then feels no incentive to try to make changes to overcome the problem.

Setting Limits with Your Friend
Even though it might make you feel guilty at first, it's important to know when to step back and assess this type of situation.  The give-and-take in any friendship isn't always going to be 50-50 all the time.  Your friend might be going through a particularly difficult time, and she might be calling on you more than you ask for help from her.

Friendship isn't about keeping a tally about these things.  But if you find that this is predominantly the dynamic most of the time, and your friend's problems are starting to exhaust you, you would be wise to make self care your priority and set some limits with him in a tactful and empathetic way.

Hopefully, you're not the only emotional resource that she has and she'll also turn to other friends or supportive family members for help.  Better yet, if her problems are longstanding, it would be best for her to seek professional help from a licensed mental health clinician.

It doesn't always feel good to set these kinds of boundaries with people that we care about.  Most people don't realize that they're exhausting their friends because they're so immersed in their own problems.  A good friend will understand that you need to take care of yourself too.

But if she even if she doesn't understand, you still need to know what you limits are and take care of yourself.  Becoming emotionally and physically depleted by a friend, family member, or coworker can create problems for you, including compromising your immune system and causing you to become vulnerable to getting sick.

In addition, friends often struggle with the same unresolved issues that you might have, so it can trigger your own emotional upset, if you haven't dealt with these issues.  You can't be your friend's therapist, even if you're trained to be a therapist.  Often, the best solution is to recommend that he get professional help.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist. 

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my web site:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during regular business hours or email me.

Mother-Daughter Relationships: Letting Go of Resentments

As I've written in prior blog posts, the mother-daughter relationship is a complex dynamic.   As a psychotherapist in New York City, I hear from many daughters and mothers about longstanding resentments that never get resolved.  Over the course of a lifetime, resentments can build up, especially if they're not resolved when they occur.  It's not unusual for mothers and daughters to continue arguing the same old arguments over and over again, adding more confusion and anger as time goes on.

Mother-Daughter Relationships:  Letting Go of Resentments

Often, mothers and daughters have unrealistic expectations of each other:

Daughters' Idealization of Mothers' Role:
As a society, we tend to idealize the mother's role:  she should always be nurturing, understanding, a good listener and a shoulder to cry on.  When your mother falls short of this idealization, you might feel cheated and deprived and resentment builds up.

Mother-Daughter Relationships:  Letting Go of Resentments

But no one can live up to this standard all the time, especially since mothers in most households now must work as well as being mothers and wives.  As a daughter, assuming that you had a reasonably healthy childhood, you need to let go of this idealization and realize that your mother is human with flaws, like anyone else.

Mothers' Unrealistic Expectations of Daughters:
There are many mother-daughter relationships that are close and happy when the daughter is younger and then become conflictual as the daughter gets older and needs more independence.  It's not easy watching a daughter move away from you during her teenage years, when friends often become more important than mothers.  Sometimes, it seems like it happens over night.

But it's a normal part of your daughter's development as an individual to mature and seek out other relationships.  As a mother, it's best not to get into power struggles with your daughter about this.  You can't be your daughter's best friend.  She needs you to be her mother.  And if you can negotiate this challenging period with your daughter, you're more likely to have a better relationship with your daughter over time.

Mothers and Daughters Arguing the Same Arguments Over and Over Again:
Rather than getting into power struggles, sometimes it's best to just agree to disagree and let go of old arguments and resentments.  Rehashing the same old arguments does nothing but deepen resentment.  Over time, mothers and daughters can become emotionally distant from each other.  The longer this goes on, the harder it is to repair.  It's often better to choose your battles and recognize when you might be arguing to win a power struggle.  No one wins under these circumstances.  Often, both people lose.

Letting Go of Resentments and Forgiving:
I've said this many times to clients, "Forgiving is for the person doing the forgiving."  It doesn't mean that whatever the other person did was okay.  It's not necessarily about reconciliation with the other person.

There are times when relationships can't be reconciled for a variety of reasons.  For instance, there are times when maintaining a relationship is either so emotionally or physically abusive that it would be too damaging to remain in contact.  Self preservation is crucial.

Whether you choose to reconcile directly with your mother or daughter or not, it's important to work through resentments so that they don't remain emotionally toxic within you.  Many clients ask me, "But how do I do this?"  It's a process that can be worked through in therapy with a skilled clinician.

It's Possible to Change an Unhealthy Mother-Daughter Relationship:
Some mothers and daughters are stuck in a rut in their relationships together.  It might be that both of them see the unhealthy dynamic and want to change it, but they don't know how.

For some mothers and daughters, attempts at talking about it only lead to more conflict and arguments.  Sometimes, the best way to change a dynamic is to change yourself rather than waiting for the other person to change.  For instance, if you want your mother or daughter to be a better listener, be a better listener yourself when you talk to her.

Be in the Present  Moment:
When resentments have built up over time, it's often hard to be in the present moment with the other person.  This is especially true when mothers and daughters have longstanding resentments.

When you're constantly focused on old resentments, you might miss out on moments of closeness when there's no conflict.  It's possible that there can be moments when you enjoy each other's company.

Mother-Daughter Relationships:  Letting Go of Resentments

Part of letting go of old resentments is being open to the possibility that the dynamic in your mother-daughter relationship might change.  For this to happen, both people must be willing and able.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples.  I have helped many mothers and daughters to let go of resentments in their relationships.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also see my articles:
Life Stages in Mother-Daughter Relationships

Healing Mother-Daughter Relationships

Ambivalence and Codependence in Mother-Daughter Relationships

Tapping into Your Creative and Intuitive Power

When I was in my 20s, I had little exposure or belief in intuitive abilities.  But, one day a chance encounter with a friend caused me to question my skepticism about intuition and to, eventually,  explore how intuitive abilities can be developed in relation to creativity abilities.

Tapping into Your Creative and Intuitive Power

My Introduction to Intuition:  Beatrice at Bondini's
I remember the day that I ran into a close friend on my way home.  I had walked from my job in the East 30s to the West Village and I was about to get on the train to go home.  As I was going through the turnstile to get on the train, my friend was, coincidentally, coming through the same turnstile on the other side. We both laughed at the timing of meeting each other this way in a city of eight million people.  When I asked her where she was going, she told me that she had an appointment with someone named Beatrice at Bondini's restaurant on W. 9th Street in the Village.

I knew of Bondini's Italian restaurant from a former boyfriend's mother who would rave about their food.  But I'd never been there and I had never heard of anyone named Beatrice there.   When I asked my friend about this, she hesitated.  Then, she grabbed my arm and told me to come with her to see Beatrice, who was a psychic.  I remember laughing and teasing my friend all the way there because she believed in psychics.  Her only response was, "You'll see..."

Since my curiosity was greater than my skepticism, I went along with her.  I thought I would encounter a woman with a turban on her head looking into a crystal ball, but Beatrice was an average down-to-earth woman who looked and acted nothing like I expected.  She had a room in the back of the restaurant, but she had no mystical props or crystal balls.

Originally, I had no intention of getting a reading from Beatrice but, once again, my curiosity was greater than my skepticism, so when my friend "volunteered" me to go first, I went along with it, not expecting very much.  Beatrice asked if she could hold an item that belonged to me, so I gave her a topaz ring that I wore everyday for the last 10 years or so.

Then, to my great surprise, without my uttering a question or a word or giving her any information, she began telling me, in detail, about the man I was dating.  Not only did she describe his physical appearance, his personality and how he interacted with me, but she also described the strong effect he had on everyone around him--that he charmed both men and women, so much so that he was often able to get away with things that most people couldn't have gotten away with.   I knew this to be absolutely true and had seen it many times.  (Fortunately, he wasn't a sociopath, so he didn't use his charm in any illegal or unethical ways.)

Needless to say, I was stunned.  She told me things about him that even my close friend didn't know.  All the while, I said nothing, so she wasn't pumping me with questions for information, as many so-called "psychics" do.  I didn't understand what was happening, but I was fascinated.  So, unable to resist, I asked her if she had a sense of our future as a couple.   She was very tactful and kind.  There was no drama or offer to sell me love candles or love bath.  She simply said that she didn't see us staying together.  Until then, everything she said rang true, but I thought she really got this wrong.  But sure enough, a few months later, we broke up.

While I was in my 20s, I went to see Beatrice a few more times.  I continued to be fascinated by her intuitive abilities and level-headed, no-nonsense approach.  Then, she was written up in New York Magazine, and it became difficult to see her without making a six-month in advance appointment because she became so popular, so I stopped seeing her.

Developing Intuition
Following my experience with Beatrice, I attended a workshop with a woman in NJ, who used her psychic abilities to help the police solve crimes.  She was also very down-to-earth and had a good reputation among law enforcement.  She made the practice of developing intuition for the average person seem like the most natural thing in the world.  I also read books about intuition and became interested in dream work.

As I followed my dreams, I began to have flashes of intuition, both in my dreams and in my waking hours. I didn't have any earth-shattering intuitive flashes about world events.  These flashes of intuition were mostly about my everyday life and the people in it.

Intuition for Creative Solutions
Over time, I came to trust these flashes of intuition to help me come up with creative solutions to everyday life situations.   I find that the more connected I am to my dreams, the sharper my intuitive abilities are during everyday situations.  I am, by no means, a psychic and my intuitive abilities don't extend beyond the ordinary situations that develop in life, but I've found that using intuition to tap into creative, problem solving abilities has added a richer dimension to my life.

Of course, the ability to use logic is crucial to living our lives.   But rather than being exclusively focused on only living a life based on logic, I encourage people to develop their intuitive side, if this is something that interests them.

Intuition and Dreams
One way to develop intuition is to pay attention to your dreams.  Not all of them will be intuitive dreams, but you might find that, if you write them down and make them a priority, you might get glimpses into your intuitive side.  Then, rather than being skeptical about intuition, as I was initially when I was in my 20s, if you remain open and curious, you might discover that your intuition can be tapped into to enhance your creative abilities.  I've included some resources below if you're interested in developing your intuition to tap into your creative abilities.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic  Experiencing therapist. 

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my web site:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also, read my articles:
Dream Incubation - Planting Seeds
Creative Imagination and Dream Work

Resources:
Embodiment: Creative Imagination in Medicine, Art and Travel - by post-Jungian psychoanalyst, Robert Bosnak
Creative Dreaming - by Patricia Garfield
Exploring the World of Lucid Dreaming - by Stephen LaBerge, Ph.D.

Overcoming Emotional Trauma and Developing Resilience

During the course of a lifetime, everyone goes through hard times.  Unfortunately, emotional suffering is part of life and we can't expect to avoid it.  It's how you respond to these times that can make a big difference in the quality of your life.  Responding with resilience can help you get through difficult times and increase your self confidence.

Overcoming Emotional Trauma and Developing Resilience

Trauma Can Affect Your Ability to be Resilient

Unfortunately, people who have trauma in their lives can find it very difficult to respond with resilience.  Of course, there are always exceptional people that we hear or read about who have gone through a lot of trauma who seem to maintain their resilience.  They can be inspiring, but if you're someone who has been traumatized and you're not as resilient because of your experiences, hearing about these exceptional people can also cause you to feel badly about yourself, feeling like  you don't measure up to them.

Many people who have had multiple experiences with trauma feel hopeless and helpless in the face of new adversity.  This is a common experience for people with multiple traumas.  No amount of telling them to be resilient will change this.  After a while, many of them feel that bad times are all that they can expect, which is unfortunate and, often, a distortion.  

Unresolved Trauma Can be Triggered by New Difficult Experiences

People who have suffered trauma that keeps them feeling beaten down need to work through their trauma in psychotherapy.  If the trauma is not worked through, they are vulnerable to being triggered by new events because new events can trigger old trauma.  

Often, when we think of being triggered, we think of the example of the war veteran who is triggered by a loud noise, which takes him or her back emotionally to the battlefield.  But there are all kinds of triggers, aside from the ones that veterans experience with noise, that can trigger old trauma.  Potential triggers can be loss, including loss of a loved one, loss of a job, loss of a pet, and so on;  physical or emotional abuse; a medical problem; a car accident; a major life change, etc.

Overcoming Emotional Trauma and Developing Resilience: Coping with Unresolved Trauma

Trauma, by nature, is an emotionally overwhelming experience that hasn't been "metabolized" by the mind.  So, it remains in its "unmetabolized," untreated form just under the surface and it's there to be potentially triggered by new difficult events.

What might be traumatic to one person might not be traumatic to someone else for a variety of reasons, including personal history, environment, learned attitudes, and a person's inherent ability to deal with overwhelming events or experiences.  It's not about being "weak" or "strong."  

Trauma, Compassion and Self Compassion

Recognizing that it's not about "weakness" requires self compassion as well as compassion for others.       I once met someone who was a retired Marine who had gone through a series of traumatic events while in the military and afterwards in civilian life.  He never got treatment, and he berated himself severely whenever he cried about his experiences, saying, "I'm a Marine.  I should be able to handle this."  Possibly, this was part of his training in the Marines, but it was only making matters worse until he got psychological treatment to overcome his trauma.

Getting Help in Therapy:  You Can't "Tough it Out"

This is why it's so important to get psychological help when you experience trauma. Trying to "tough it out" doesn't help.  In fact, it can make things a lot worse because you might "disown" and suppress your traumatic feelings rather than acknowledge them and get help.  Suppressing these feelings, even if you can for a while, doesn't make them go away.  They're still there to be triggered in ways that you might not expect or want.  They can also develop into physical problems, like migraines, irritable bowel syndrome, body aches and other physical manifestations.

Overcoming Emotional Trauma and Developing Resilience: Getting Help in Therapy

I've worked with many clients over the years who have experienced trauma, including PTSD (posttraumatic stress disorder).  My experience has been that talk therapy can be helpful, but Somatic Experience, hypnotherapy and EMDR are more effective in overcoming trauma and developing a greater sense of resilience.

There's no magic bullet when it comes to working through trauma, but these treatment modalities take into account the connection between the mind and the body, not just the mind.  I have nothing against psychodynamic psychotherapy.  In fact, my original training is in psychoanalysis and psychodynamic itreatment.  I also use cognitive behavioral therapy for some clients.  But when it comes to trauma, I find the mind-body oriented psychotherapies to be most effective.

If you think you might have PTSD or trauma symptoms, you owe it to yourself to get help.  I will provide websites below so you can find licensed mental health professionals to help you.  My personal recommendation is that you find someone who has a mental health license.  There are many people who do hypnosis and Somatic Experiencing who are not clinicians.  

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  I work with individual adults and couples.  I've helped many clients to overcome trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Resources:

Somatic Experiencing:  Somatic Experiencing Treatment

Clinical Hypnosis:  American Society of Clinical Hypnosis

EMDR:  EMDR Treatment

Learning From Past Romantic Relationships

Looking back on past romantic relationships, do you see particular patterns that were consistent in these relationships?  It's easy to blame your former romantic partners for all the problems in those relationships or to blame it on bad luck.  What's more challenging is to see your own patterns in those relationships that you're continuing to perpetuate with each new relationship.  

Learning From Past Romantic Relationships

Looking at Your Own Recurring Patterns in Past Romantic Relationships
Not all relationships end because of recurring interpersonal patterns.  Many relationships end because  one of both people change in dissimilar ways and they no longer want the  same things.  People grow apart.  Sometimes, one or both people forget that relationships need to be nurtured and that neglect leads to the end of a relationship.

But when you can look back with a degree of objectivity, you might find that you, being the common denominator in all of your relationships, continue to engage in certain patterns that contribute to the demise of these relationships.  And, if this is the case, it's worthwhile for your own personal development, as well as the potential for having a successful relationship in the future, if that's what you want, to look at these patterns.

It's impossible to include all the possible recurring patterns.  The following fictionalized scenario demonstrates how learning from past romantic relationships can be beneficial to you.  As always, this  scenario is a composite of many different cases so that confidentiality is preserved.

Ann:
Ann, who was in her late 30s, came to therapy after a recent breakup.  The man she had been seeing for two years had just ended their relationship, and Ann was heart broken.  This was the latest in a series of breakups over the years in which the man she was dating ended the relationship.

Learning From Past Romantic Relationships

Ann wanted, more than anything, to get married and have a family.  She was very aware of her "biological clock" and that it might be difficult for her to get pregnant, so she was hoping her most recent relationship would lead to marriage and children.  But, instead, just like her prior relationships, it ended in heart break and disappointment.

When she started therapy, she blamed the breakups on a combination of bad luck and poor judgment in choosing the wrong men.  These relationships all started well.  With each one, she saw the potential for long term happiness.  But, gradually, she and her romantic partners began arguing about how much time to spend together and their divergent expectations about the relationship.

What made matters worse is that, whenever Ann entered into a new relationship, she stopping talk to and seeing her friends, so that when she needed emotional support, they expressed resentment towards her that they hadn't heard from her in a while and were annoyed that she called them only when she was having problems.

Ann had a hard time seeing this because she was so immersed in whatever relationship she was in.  She thought her friends "should" be there for her, even if she'd made no effort to be in touch with them for months.

Related to her problem of disengaging from her friends, she expected that her current romantic partner would supply all her emotional, intellectual and physical needs.  Even when she had a lot in common with her current boyfriend, inevitably, there were some interests that she had that he didn't.

When her current boyfriend didn't want to take up one of her particular interests, she became annoyed  and disappointed.  This led to arguments and her expectations and the arguments led to her boyfriends telling her that they felt suffocated by her and that it wasn't reasonable for her to expect to have all of her needs met in the relationship.  But this was contrary to Ann's basic assumptions and expectations in a relationship.

It took a while for Ann to be willing to explore her basic assumptions and expectations of relationships because she held them very tightly.  She wanted her boyfriend to be her "everything" and couldn't understand why anyone who was her boyfriend wouldn't want this too.  She also couldn't understand why her boyfriends wanted to see their friends and go to sports events or other activities with them when she was very willing to take up these interests.  This also created a lot of friction in her relationships.

As we explored her history of relationships, there was no evidence to suggest that she had a string of bad luck or that these men had particular problems that contributed to the breakups.  The problem in all of these relationships was, primarily, that Ann wanted to create an exclusive dependency between her and her boyfriend, and she refused to see that this created recurring problems in her relationships.

Even if she found a boyfriend who wanted the same kind of intense dependency that excluded other people, having  such an insular relationship would have been emotionally unhealthy.  Often, sooner or later, people get bored and the individuals and the relationship becomes stagnant.  One person can't meet all your needs.

It took a while for Ann to be willing to look at herself rather than externalizing her problems in relationships.  Family history played a big part in her views.  Ann needed to learn how to be in a relationship and how to maintain and nurture her friendships.

Learning From Past Romantic Relationships

At that point, she was able to change her usual dynamics and she was a lot happier in a new long-term relationship and in her friendships.

Getting Help in Therapy:  When You're Open to Looking at Your Own Recurring Patterns in Relationships, You Have an Opportunity to Make Changes
As I mentioned previously, this is just one possible example of a recurring pattern that can cause relationships to end.

When you're able to be open and objective about the role that you play in current and prior relationships, you can change recurring dysfunctional patterns.

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples, and I have helped many individuals and couples to overcome patterns that have created obstacles for them.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at 212 726-1006 or email me: josephineolivia@aol.com.

Also see my article:  Making Changes Within Yourself to Have the Life You Want