Relationships: 10 Reasons Why Trying to Change Your Spouse Doesn't Work

So many people enter into a relationship where they see the "potential" in their partner, but they won't accept how their partner is in the present.  Although men do it too, it's usually women who try to change, "fix" or rescue their partner.  They believe they can get their partner to change to be the way they want him to be.  Many of them become so focused on fixing their partner that they neglect themselves (see my articles: Overcoming Your Need to Rescue Your Loved Ones as Part of a Codependency Pattern and You Want to Change Your Spouse, But You Can't, So What Can You Do?).

Why Trying to Change Your Spouse Doesn't Work

Many people push, prod and try to do everything in their power to get their spouse to change, and no matter how good their intentions are, it usually doesn't work.

Exploring why it doesn't work and how to change this dynamic is the subject of this article.

A Short Fictional Vignette
The following fictional vignette, which is representative of hundreds of clinical cases, illustrates why trying to change your spouse doesn't work:

Helen and Tim
Helen and Tim, who were both in their 40s, were married for 10 years.

After Tim's father died, Tim started gambling compulsively (see my article: Overcoming Grief Gambling).

Prior to his father's death, Tim and his friends would get together every few months to play Poker.  But after his father's death, Tim felt a strong urge to play Poker more often, so he found other games, including online gambling.

At first, Helen wasn't concerned, but when she saw that Tim was spending almost all his free time in Poker games and he was losing money they didn't have, she became very concerned and told Tim to stop.  Tim would respond by promising Helen that he would stop, but he continued to gamble and lose large sums of money.

By then, Helen and Tim were spending a lot of their time arguing about his gambling and no time enjoying themselves the way they used to do before.  Helen was angry most of the time with Tim, and Tim felt resentful.  He felt that Helen was nagging him and acting like his mother.

The situation deteriorated until they were barely talking to one another, and they were no longer sexual (see my article: Have You and Your Spouse Stopped Having Sex?).

A few months later, they were sitting in a couples therapist office trying to salvage their relationship. Over time, they learned that Tim hadn't grieved for his father and the gambling was not only a distraction, it was also an addictive behavior that gave Tim a dopamine high in much the same way that taking drugs gives a dopamine high.

Gradually, as Helen learned not to nag and to focus on herself, Tim agreed to go to Gamblers Anonymous (GA) and work with a sponsor.  He also entered into his own individual therapy to deal with the loss of his father.  Over time, as he dealt with his emotions, he stopped gambling.

10 Reasons Why Trying to Change Your Spouse Won't Work:

• Trying to Get a Spouse Who is Unwilling and/or Unable to Change is Futile
• Before you try to change your spouse, consider whether he actually wants to change.
• Is he capable of changing?

• Focusing on Your Spouse's Behavior Takes Your Focus Away From Your Own Behavior
• It takes two people to be in a relationship.
• If you're focusing mostly on your spouse's behavior, you might not see how your own behavior affects the situation between the two of you. 

• Focusing on Your Spouse's Behavior Takes Your Focus Away From the Dynamic Between the Two of You
• There's a particular dynamic between you and your spouse.
• When you focus on your spouse's behavior, you might miss that dynamic. 

• Trying to Get Your Spouse to Change Might Be Unrealistic
• Ask yourself how realistic you're being.
• Ask yourself if you can live with the current situation when you consider everything.

• Reframing Your Expectations Might Be More Realistic
• Reframing your expectation is not about accepting abuse or accepting a situation that you find completely unacceptable.
• If your spouse is unwilling or unable to change, is it possible to look at the situation from a different perspective that might make it acceptable to you?

• Pushing Your Spouse to Change Can Erode the Relationship
• No one likes to feel pushed or nagged.
• People rarely change when they feel pushed and, if they do, they do it with resentment which causes other problems in the relationship.

• Trying to Change Your Spouse Puts You in a Parental Role
• When you take on a parental role, you're damaging your relationship--even though you might have the best of intentions (see my article: Behaving Like a Parent to Your Spouse Can Ruin Your Relationship).
• Your spouse will probably resent you.
• You will eventually resent being in this role.

• Focusing on Changing Your Spouse Might Make You Lose Sight of What's Good in Your Relationship
• Are you only focusing on your spouse's problems and not seeing what's good in your relationship?
• Has your focus on your spouse's problems overshadowed what's positive?

• Criticizing Your Spouse Can Lead to Divorce
• Being overly critical is a relationship killer (see my article: Learn to Stop Criticizing Each Other).
• Being critical can become habitual.

• Focusing on Yourself and Making Your Own Positive Changes Can Help the Dynamic Between You and Your Spouse
• Rather than focusing exclusively on your spouse's problems, you can focus on yourself.  
• People often focus on their significant other as a way to avoid looking at themselves.
• Practice self care and try to find ways to improve things for yourself (see my article: Is Self Care Selfish?).

Conclusion
People often don't change when they feel pressured or pushed.  Not only is this not an effective strategy, it often does more harm than good.

In order to make significant lasting change, a person has to be internally motivated to change as opposed to complying with someone else's wishes. 

Even though no one should accept abusive behavior or put up with things that they know are unacceptable to them, focusing on yourself is usually more effective than focusing on what you perceive as another person's faults.

Getting Help in Therapy
It's hard to live with problems that you feel are unacceptable, especially when you love someone and also want the best for him or her.

Focusing on yourself might be challenging.  It can also be hard to break old habits of focusing on someone else instead of focusing on yourself.

Even if you're not pressuring your spouse to change, you might find it hard to decide whether to stay or to leave the relationship.

If you're struggling with one or more of these issues, rather than struggling on your own, you could benefit from working with a licensed psychotherapist who has experience helping clients with these issues.

Many therapists, including me, are providing online therapy, which is also called teletherapy and telehealth, while they are out of their office during the COVID-19 pandemic (see my article: The Advantages of Online Therapy When You Can't See Your Therapist in Person).

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and EFT therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Therapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

I am providing teletherapy sessions during the COVID-19 crisis.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Mourning Your Future Dreams in Your Former Relationship

Mourning the future might seem like an odd concept at first.  But, as I'll discuss, mourning often involves not only mourning for the past and present, but also mourning for what will never happen in the future.

Mourning Your Future Dreams From Your Former Relationship

Mourning the Death of a Loved One
We usually associate mourning with the death of a loved one.

If the relationship with the loved one was good, we mourn the loss of the loved one as well as the loss of what we don't have now as well as what we won't have in the future.

If the relationship wasn't as good as we would have liked it, in addition to mourning the loss of the loved one, we mourn what we didn't have in that relationship that we would have liked to have had in the past and the present.  We also mourn what can never be in the future.

The Breakup of a Relationship
The breakup and loss of a romantic relationship can feel like a death even when there's no physical death involved.  It's the end (or death) of the relationship.

If the romantic relationship was good in the past, we might reminisce about the days when it was what we both wanted, but we can no longer have in the present or the future.

All the future plans we had with this person, who we thought we would be as individuals as well as to each other--all of this is part of the mourning process.

Here's an example, which is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information changed:

Alice
Alice and Bob, who were in their late 20s, were engaged to be married.  They had been together for three years and, for most of that time, they were happy together.

But then, four months prior to their wedding, Bob told Alice that he wasn't ready to get married--even though all their plans were in motion, they had talked about how they wanted to start a family, where they wanted to live, and how their lives would be in the future.

Bob told Alice that she was his first serious girlfriend and he realized that he wasn't ready to make that kind of commitment.  He thought he should go out with other women to make sure that he wasn't jumping into a marriage with Alice too quickly.

Alice was completely shocked.  Bob had never mentioned this to her before.  She had no idea he felt this way.

Even though Alice realized that Bob was emotionally torn up about his decision, Alice felt overwhelmed by a combination of shock, disbelief, anger and sadness.

A few months after the breakup and the cancellation of their wedding plans, Alice came to therapy to sort out her feelings.

By now, she realized, in hindsight, that there were telltale signs that Bob wasn't ready to get married, but she ignored these warning signs.

Even though she was angry with Bob, she still very much loved him and missed him in her current life and missed the relationship that they had in the past.

As we continued to work together, Alice realized on a deeper emotional level that the future she thought she would have with Bob--all the things she wanted in her life with him--weren't going to be possible now.  And she wasn't going to be who she thought she'd be--at least not in the context of a life with Bob.

So, she mourned for the past, the present as well as the future of her dreams with Bob.

Mourning Before "Moving On"
Our culture places a high value on "moving on" from loss as opposed to giving ourselves the time we need to mourn our losses on multiple levels, including past, present and future.

But if we force ourselves to push our feelings down without working them through, we risk having an even more protracted form of grief that could manifest itself in other ways, including depression as well as physical illness.

Mourning is a Personal Process
Mourning is different for everyone.  No one can tell you what the mourning process should be for you.  It's best not to rush the process or to try to conform to other people's ideas of the mourning process.

There can be many ups and downs with mourning--whether it's mourning the death of a loved one or mourning the loss of a relationship.

Sadness often comes in waves.  How and when the waves occur is often unknown until they occur.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you're dealing with a loss and you feel alone, misunderstood by others or you feel confused by the profusion of feelings you're experiencing, you could benefit from working with a licensed psychotherapist who has experience helping psychotherapy clients to work through the mourning process.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many people to work through the mourning process so that, in time, when it was right for them, they did eventually move on in a meaningful way.

To find out more about me, visit my web site:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What Makes So-Called "Bad Boys" So Irresistible to Many Women? Brain Chemistry Might Be Part of the Answer

Are you a woman who usually falls for men who are considered so-called "bad boys" and neither you nor your friends understand why these guys are so irresistible to you?

What Makes So-Called "Bad Boys" So Irresistible to Many Women?

It Seems Counterintuitive: Women Who Are Usually Stable and Responsible Fall for "Bad Boys" 
Often, it seems completely counterintuitive because the woman who falls for "bad boys" is often the woman who is the most stable, responsible and kind person who never gets into trouble herself, but she falls in love with guys who are edgy, constantly in trouble, emotionally unavailable and sometimes abusive, and constantly breaking her heart.

Just a note before I go on:  I'm using the phrase "bad boys" as a shorthand expression that most people understand without having to go into a lot of detail.  But, in fact, I have a lot of empathy for these men, who often have a long history of trauma, and underneath that tough exterior, there's often a lot of fear and shame.  Of course, working with them as a psychotherapist is different from being in a romantic relationship or married to them and in a lot of emotional pain. 

Why Are So Many Women Drawn to "Bad Boys"?
There can be as many reasons as there are women who fall for guys who have a reputation for being "bad."

Some psychotherapists believe that women who are drawn to "bad boys" are working through unresolved trauma from their family history, especially if they had a father who was unreliable, irresponsible, and emotionally abusive.

Other psychotherapists believe that this dynamic involves a woman's need to "rescue" the man, who is often traumatized and in need of a lot of emotional support.

Other therapists believe that women in these types of relationships are masochistic.

All of the above theories, either individually or in combination, might apply to some women sometimes, but it often doesn't explain this dynamic for many women who had loving, stable fathers and who are not masochistic or in need of rescuing people.

The Brain Reward Circuit and an Irresistible Attraction to "Bad Boys"
Another interesting theory, proposed by Richard A. Friedman, MD, in his article, "I Heart Unpredictable Love" (NY Times) is that this type of attraction involves the brain reward circuit (see link below for the article).

According to Dr. Friedman, the brain reward circuit is a primitive part of the brain that is exquisitely attuned to rewards, whether they are rewards of money, sex, or food.

When the reward is unanticipated, the circuit releases dopamine which gives the person a pleasurable and exciting feeling.

Unpredictable Love and the Brain Reward Circuit

As a result, when you're involved with someone who is unpredictable, as so-called "bad boys" tend to be, you get a sense of pleasure and excitement from the brain reward circuit.  This, in turn, fuels your attraction and obsession, from the brain reward circuit.

It can feel like an "addiction" in much the same way that people who gamble compulsively feel addicted to gambling.  The difference is that you're "gambling" with the unpredictable nature of the relationship as well as your own well-being.

Often, you're unaware of this sense of pleasure and excitement that's being generated by the brain reward circuit.  In fact, your rational mind might be telling you that this guy isn't at all good for you and you should stay away.  But when the brain reward circuit is releasing the dopamine, you might find yourself with this "bad boy" despite what you know rationally.

Does This Mean That You'll Always Be Attracted to "Bad Boys" For the Rest of Your Life?
I've worked with many women who found themselves irresistibly drawn to so-called "bad boys" and who were able to overcome this problem.

Unfortunately, for some women, it often takes a lot of emotional pain before they override their brain chemistry to make healthy choices for themselves.  But just because you feel a sense of pleasure and excitement doesn't mean that you can't make healthy decisions for yourself.  You can.

Getting Help in Therapy
Relationships with "bad boys" can take its toll on you physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. That's a high price to pay.  And many women discover that, after being in a few of these types of relationships, they aren't as emotionally resilient as they used to be and it gets harder to move on.

If you have tried on your own to stop getting in emotionally unhealthy relationships, but you can't do it on your own, you could benefit from getting help from a licensed mental health professional.

If you're motivated to change, you can learn how to override the impulse to get involved with men who are constantly hurting you.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist. 

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also, read my blog article:
The Heartbreak of the On Again-Off Again Relationship

I Heart Unpredictable Love - by Richard A. Friedman - New York Times

When the Breakup of Your Relationship Involves Your Ex Saying Goodbye to Your Child

Relationship breakups are difficult enough even under the best of circumstances.  But they're particularly difficult when you're a single parent and you have a young child who has become emotionally attached to the person you were dating.  It's a loss for you and your ex, but it can be even more heart breaking for your child, especially if s/he spent a lot of time with your ex.

Breakups Are Even More Difficult When Children Are Involved 

Wait Until the Relationship is Solid Before Introducing Your Child
When psychotherapy clients, who are single and dating, have young children, I usually recommend that they wait until the new relationship is solid before they introduce their children to their romantic partner.

It's easy to get caught up in the whirlwind of a new romantic relationship during the early stage of courtship and become overly optimistic about the potential longevity of the relationship.  If you introduce someone new to your child before the time is right, your child will feel the loss and, possibly a sense of abandonment, if your relationship ends.

There's no science to gauge how long you should wait.  In most cases, I would recommend that you wait a minimum of six months.  Of course, a lot depends upon the relationship and the age of your child.  And, you should be aware that even infants become attached to people with whom they spend time.

When the Breakup of Your Relationship Involves Your Ex Saying Goodbye to Your Child

Modern Love Article
In Sunday's New York Times' Modern Love column, Laurie Sandell wrote an article called "How to Break Up With a 2-Year Old" where she discusses this issue from the perspective of the ex who must say goodbye to her ex-boyfriend's child (see link below).

It's an interesting article.  I'd love to hear more from the perspective of people who have children who go through breakups like this.

Among my psychotherapy clients who have young children and who have ended relationships, generally, they feel they have a very difficult time.  Not only do they deal with their own grief about the breakup, but they must comfort their children, who often miss the ex and are too young to understand why the ex is no longer coming around.

Young children tend to be naturally egocentric and they often blame themselves if someone they care about isn't around any more.  This is generally true whether it involves a breakup or a death.  So, don't think your child is "too young" to feel hurt.

Although children can be resilient, use good judgment and err on the side of caution when you're trying to decide when to introduce your child to a new romantic partner.  And if you do have the misfortune to go through a breakup with someone your child was emotionally attached to, you need to be extra nurturing and comforting with your child.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

New York Times - Modern Love: How to Break Up with a 2-Year Old - by Laurie Sandell

Overcoming the Fear of Falling In Love and Getting Hurt Again

I see many clients who have had their hearts broken in prior relationships and who fear falling in love and getting hurt again.

Overcoming the Fear of Falling in Love and Getting Hurt Again

An article that I read in the New York Times Modern Love section called:  "Fear of Surrendering Again: Ready In Case the Other Shoe Drops" by Julia Anne Miller is a good example of how people often fear getting hurt again in a new relationship (see link below).

Even when people really yearn to love and be loved again, an overwhelming fear of being retraumatized in a new relationship can keep them from getting involved with someone new.

The following fictionalized vignette, which is a composite of many cases with no identifying information revealed, is an example of how someone can yearn to be in a relationship again but needs help to overcome the fear of getting hurt again:

Lee
When Lee first came to see me, she had been dating Bob, a man she met at a friend, Beth's wedding, for several months.  It had been several years since she had been in a serious relationship. She was in her early 40s, and after getting hurt in her marriage and a subsequent long term relationship, she was sure she was through with dating and relationships.

And then she met Bob.

Lee smiled to herself as she thought about Beth, even on her wedding day, orchestrating this meeting by placing Lee next to Bob at the singles' table.  Beth was forever trying to set up introductions for Lee to eligible men and Lee was forever rejecting Beth's efforts.  Now, at last, knowing that Lee was coming on her own to the wedding, Beth had a chance to use her match making skills.

Normally, Lee would be annoyed by Beth's efforts to match her up with a man, but not this time.

Lee wasn't sure what there was about Bob that made her want to reconsider remaining single.  Sure, he was good looking, intelligent, kind, funny and successful.  But there was something else.

When she looked in his eyes, she felt that she just might be able to trust him.  But what if she was wrong?

After her last breakup, which was particularly painful, she preferred to bury herself in her work during the week and see friends or stay home alone on the weekends.  She had resigned herself to remaining single for the rest of her life.  She considered getting a cat, but that was the extent of willingness to make another commitment to a living being.

After 10 years of marriage, her husband (now ex), who everyone agreed seemed like the most caring and trustworthy man alive, ended up leaving her for a woman he met at work.  Her last boyfriend, who also seemed sweet and kind, decided, after six years, he wanted to be free to date other women.  Lee felt she would never get over the pain of that breakup.

Having experienced such excruciating emotional pain in our prior relationships, how could she know if she could trust Bob?

Then, there was her father, who was in and out of the household, constantly cheating on Lee's mother and then coming back to ask for forgiveness whenever things didn't work out with his last girlfriend.  Although Lee understood that her mother was financially dependent upon the father, she still felt anger and resentment towards her mother for taking him back again and again.  She spent most of her childhood and adolescence hating her father, and she only reconciled with him after he was diagnosed with advanced cancer, just before he died--the ultimate abandonment.

We spent much of our early work together helping Lee to rebuild her sense of resilience.  She understood that there were no guarantees in relationships.  Her biggest fear was that if her relationship with Bob didn't work out, she would spiral down into a deep depression and she wouldn't be able to function.

Lee had witnessed her mother become incapacitated by depression after Lee's father left the household for the third time.  Lee bore the brunt of taking care of her three younger siblings.  She vowed to herself that she would never allow a man to make her feel so depressed.  Even in her darkest moments after her marriage, as devastated as she felt, she was still able to go to work, take care of her apartment and function in life.

But after her last relationship, she wasn't sure she could bounce back again from another disappointment if Bob hurt her.

On the one hand, when she became especially fearful, she was tempted at times to call it off with Bob.  On the other hand, most of the time, she knew she wanted to be with him and see where their relationship would go.

We also worked on helping Lee heal from her prior childhood trauma as well as the losses she experienced in her marriage and last relationship.  This was hard work for Lee, but it enabled her to experience her relationship with Bob as separate from those other disappointments, so she could experience it as new and not as being part of a string of disappointments.

Lee also learned to trust her judgment again.  Over time, she was able to open up more with Bob and allow their relationship to grow without feeling the oppressive fear she felt before.

Getting Help in Therapy
There are so many people who close themselves off to the possibility of falling in love again because they fear they'll get hurt.  Even though they might be lonely, their fear overwhelms any possibility of finding happiness with someone new.

If you're someone who would like to have someone special in your life, but you're overwhelmed by fear based on your experiences from the past, you owe it to yourself to get help.

A skilled mental health professional can help you heal from your losses and develop a greater sense of resilience and self confidence.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Modern Love: Fear of Surrendering Again: Ready In Case the Other Shoe Drops

Are You Trying to Avoid the Emotional Pain of a Breakup By Having the Next Romance in the Wings?

There are many people who start casting an eye around for the next romance as their current relationship is ending.  They prefer to have a new person in the wings so they can begin a new relationship just as the current one ends.

Trying to Avoid the Emotional Pain of a Breakup By Having the Next Romance in the Wings

Why Do People Seek Out a New Romance as the Current Relationship is Ending?
There are lots of reasons why people want to have the next romance in the wings when they're going through a breakup, and many of those reasons are fear based:

Fear of Being Alone
Some people seek out someone new immediately because they're afraid of being alone.  To them, being alone often means they're undesirable.  They like to go from one relationship to the next without ever being single, if possible.

Fear of Dealing with the Emotional Pain of the Heartbreak
Related to fear of being alone, many people don't want to deal with the emotional pain of the breakup.  Rather than deal with painful emotions, they want to immerse themselves in a new relationship to avoid feeling the pain.

You Can Run, But You Can't Hide

While it's understandable that no one wants to feel the emotional pain of a breakup, thinking that you can avoid the pain completely by seeking out someone new is an illusion.

Running from the problem isn't the answer.  You might distract yourself for a while with someone new, but pushing down the emotional pain from the breakup will just cause it to manifest in other ways, including physical ailments (headaches, stomach problems, body aches, etc).

In addition, whether you realize it or not, you bring your old emotional baggage from the current relationship into the new relationship.

Learning to Cope With Emotional Pain Can Make You More Resilient
As much as we hope to avoid dealing with emotional pain in life, including the pain of a breakup, learning to cope with emotional pain, rather than trying to avoid it, is part of emotional development.

While you're going through the pain, it can feel awful.  But, usually, while you're recovering from the loss, you can learn a lot about yourself, relationships and life's lessons.

After you've healed, you usually realize that you can cope with a lot more than you might have realized, and you don't need to distract yourself with a new relationship, a drink, a drug, gambling or other potential emotional numbing activities.

Healing From Heartbreak and Building Resilience to Deal With Life's Inevitable Challenges
Once you've recovered from your loss, having gone through the emotional pain, you often become more resilient and better able to deal with the next challenge in life.

Just knowing that you were able to cope with the pain and you got through it, as painful as it might have been, can give you more confidence to deal with future adversity, which is unavoidable in life.

Getting Help in Therapy
Everyone needs help at some point in his or her life.

If you find that you're having a difficult time coping with a breakup on your own or even with your emotional support network, you could benefit from seeking the help of a licensed psychotherapist, who can help you to work through the healing process.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and  Somatic Experiencing therapist. 

I work with individual adults and couples, and I've helped many people through the emotional healing process.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Your Ex, Who Abandoned You, Wants to "Start Over"

Being abandoned by someone you love deeply is one of the most painful experiences that anyone can go through.  It can be debilitating on every level--emotionally, physically, and spiritually.  It can cause you to feel you're "not good enough" and "not lovable."  Many people often feel ashamed about being left, especially because it can trigger earlier abandonment issues from childhood.

Your Ex Wants to Start Over

The Road to Emotional Recovery
When you've been abandoned by someone you loved and trusted, the road to recovery can be long and arduous, especially if you were in a long term relationship with this person.  As human beings, we're hard wired for emotional bonding and attachment, not for loss.

What often makes it worse is that well-meaning people might try to encourage you to "just get over it" and "move on," but it's just not possible to wave a magic wand to erase the emotional pain involved with this type of major loss.  You need time and space to grieve.  And, yet, life goes on.  You still need to get up every day, although it might take a lot of effort just to do that, and take care of your responsibilities.   You might wonder how you'll get through the day or even the next minute without falling apart.

Step by step, with the support of loved ones who understand you and your loss, you work to put the pieces of your shattered heart and your life back together again.  Gradually, the pain begins to lift until you begin to feel a sense of hope again.  You realize that you're now having moments when you feel lighter.  You're not completely recovered, but you're not where you were when your spouse or partner left.

What to Do If Your Ex Wants to "Start Over"?
Over time, you're starting to feel better about yourself and the world around you.  Then, suddenly, the unthinkable happens:  Your ex, who abandoned you, returns and he or she wants to "start over" again.  Once again, your world can get turned upside down.

If your second reaction, after the initial shock, is anger, you're in good company.  This is a common and understandable reaction in this situation.  But shock and anger can't be the basis for making a decision about whether to start over with your ex.  You need to stop, think and sort out your feelings before you make any hasty decisions.

No one can tell you what's right for you.  For many people, who were left by an ex, the answer to "starting over" would be a resounding "No!" and they would send their ex packing with Donna Summer's song, "I Will Survive" playing in the background.  But for many other people, including possibly you, the answer might not be so clear.   You might feel confused by a lot of mixed feelings.    This is also a common reaction.

But there are a few questions you can ask yourself that might help you to decide if you want to open your heart and allow your ex to return:

What has changed?

Your ex's apology and just saying you're going to "start over" doesn't automatically resolve whatever issues caused your ex to abandon the relationship or whatever problems you might have had before.  Be honest with yourself. What has changed?  Even if your ex had an epiphany about his or her behavior, will this realization alone be enough to prevent your ex from abandoning you again?  Wanting to change and actually being able to change are two different things.  And if not much has changed, can you endure going through the same kind of heartbreak again if your ex walks out of the relationship again?

How do you feel about yourself when you think about getting back into a relationship with your ex?

It's important to start with this question rather than how you feel about your ex.  Whether you're angry, sad, hurt, happy or glad that your ex wants to get back together again, pay attention to your gut feelings about this.  Aside from your initial feelings about making up, which can be exciting and sexy at first, what's your sense about what the relationship will be like for you after this initial stage?  

How do you feel about him or her?
During your healing process, your feelings might have changed about your ex and, possibly, about what you want from a romantic partner or relationship in general.  Aside from the anger and hurt, if you can look at your ex objectively, what are your feelings about being back in a relationship with your ex?  If you're still in love with your ex, put those emotions aside for the time being and assess what you think is best for you.

What was your part in the breakup?
This can be one of the hardest things to consider.  But whether you take your ex back or not, this is an important question to ask yourself because you don't want to repeat the same mistakes, whether it's with your ex or someone new.

Taking responsibility for your part in the breakup, even though it was your ex who walked out, is important for your own personal development.  This doesn't mean that you blame yourself for all of your ex's problems or all the problems in the relationship--just your part.  It also doesn't mean that you allow guilt to influence your decision.  Are there things you'd like to change about yourself?  If so, how do you plan to go about making these changes?

Take Your Time
If you have mixed feelings about getting back with your ex, take your time to consider your decision carefully.  Only you know how difficult it was to go through the breakup and what it took to get to the other side of this emotional crisis.  There are emotional risks in taking back your ex, especially if he or she has abandoned the relationship more than once.  Don't allow your ex's sense of urgency to cause you to make a hasty decision.

Also, be aware that loneliness and a fear that you might not meet anyone new could cloud your decision.  This isn't about settling out of fear.   It's about making the best possible decision for yourself based on what you know in your gut.

Getting Help in Therapy
Friends and family can be helpful in this process, but they might already have their own strong opinions about your ex and your former relationship.  You might find yourself either defending your ex if your loved ones try to convince you not to go back or defending your feelings about not going back if they're urging you to go back.

In this type of situation, there are usually few people who are close to you who can be truly objective.  So, it can be helpful to see a licensed mental health professional, who is objective and can help you sort through all of your feelings about whether or not to take your ex back without having to defend any particular feelings and without feeling ashamed of your feelings.  If you're unsure about what to do and you have mixed feelings about your ex, you owe this to yourself to put yourself first and get the help you need.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

I work with individual adults and couples.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Can't Stop Looking at Your Ex's Social Media Pages? Here Are Some Reasons to Stop

On some level, most people know that continuously reading their ex's Facebook page can be very upsetting, especially if you discover things about your ex--like he has a new girlfriend or, worse still, he got married--that you're not prepared to face.

Can't Stop Looking at Your Ex's Social Media Pages?

Over and over, I hear from psychotherapy clients as well as people in my personal life that they can't stop themselves from looking at their ex's Facebook page, even when they know it's really over.  For many people, it becomes an obsession.  They want to know what's happening in their ex's life and, more importantly, has s/he found someone new?

Although it might be tempting to keep looking at your ex's Facebook page because you feel that you just can't resist, there are some very good reasons to stop:

• You're going to find it very hard to move on if you keep looking at your ex's Facebook page.
• It can be a form of emotional self torture to find out that your ex is with someone new. And, anyway, what can you do with this information, aside from making yourself miserable and upset?
• If you see her looking happy with someone new, it can make you feel awful about yourself, wondering why she wasn't happy with you (even though the pictures you see on the Facebook page might not reflect reality).
• Like any obsessive habit, the more you do it, the more you want to do it, making it very difficult to stop.

Here are some tips that might help you the next time you feel the urge to look at your ex's Facebook page:

• De-friend your ex.  As hard as it might be, it will help you not to have such ready access to your ex's Facebook page.
• Try waiting 20 minutes, when you feel the urge to look, to see if the urge passes.
• Ask yourself, "What do I hope to accomplish by looking at his Facebook page?"
• Go out for a walk or distract yourself by doing something else.
• Talk to a supportive friend who knows how to listen attentively to your feelings.
• Take a break from social media and go out and do something nurturing for yourself.  

When You Don't Want to Let Go of Your Ex
Continually looking at your ex's Facebook page might mean that you're not ready to move on yet, and you might be harboring wishes, no matter how unrealistic, that the two of you might get back together again.  Be honest with yourself and ask yourself if this is what's going on with you.

Are You Avoiding Feeling the Emotional Pain of the Breakup?
Nobody likes to go through the emotional pain of a breakup.  But if you're holding onto unrealistic fantasies of rekindling your romance with your ex, part of this might be an unconscious wish to avoid feeling the pain.  Unfortunately, there's no way to avoid going through the pain in order to get to the other side so you can move on.

Getting Help in Therapy
Mourning the loss of a relationship is hard, but you can make it harder on yourself by holding onto what you know deep down is really over.  Everyone is different and every situation is different when it comes to mourning this type of loss.

No one can tell you how long it should take.  But if you find that, over time, it's not getting a little easier for you, you might consider consulting with a licensed psychotherapist who can help you get over your obsessive reading of your ex's Facebook page and also help you through the mourning process.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

To find out more about me, visit my web site:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also see my article:
Stalking Your Ex on Social Media

Learning From Past Romantic Relationships

Looking back on past romantic relationships, do you see particular patterns that were consistent in these relationships?  It's easy to blame your former romantic partners for all the problems in those relationships or to blame it on bad luck.  What's more challenging is to see your own patterns in those relationships that you're continuing to perpetuate with each new relationship.  

Learning From Past Romantic Relationships

Looking at Your Own Recurring Patterns in Past Romantic Relationships
Not all relationships end because of recurring interpersonal patterns.  Many relationships end because  one of both people change in dissimilar ways and they no longer want the  same things.  People grow apart.  Sometimes, one or both people forget that relationships need to be nurtured and that neglect leads to the end of a relationship.

But when you can look back with a degree of objectivity, you might find that you, being the common denominator in all of your relationships, continue to engage in certain patterns that contribute to the demise of these relationships.  And, if this is the case, it's worthwhile for your own personal development, as well as the potential for having a successful relationship in the future, if that's what you want, to look at these patterns.

It's impossible to include all the possible recurring patterns.  The following fictionalized scenario demonstrates how learning from past romantic relationships can be beneficial to you.  As always, this  scenario is a composite of many different cases so that confidentiality is preserved.

Ann:
Ann, who was in her late 30s, came to therapy after a recent breakup.  The man she had been seeing for two years had just ended their relationship, and Ann was heart broken.  This was the latest in a series of breakups over the years in which the man she was dating ended the relationship.

Learning From Past Romantic Relationships

Ann wanted, more than anything, to get married and have a family.  She was very aware of her "biological clock" and that it might be difficult for her to get pregnant, so she was hoping her most recent relationship would lead to marriage and children.  But, instead, just like her prior relationships, it ended in heart break and disappointment.

When she started therapy, she blamed the breakups on a combination of bad luck and poor judgment in choosing the wrong men.  These relationships all started well.  With each one, she saw the potential for long term happiness.  But, gradually, she and her romantic partners began arguing about how much time to spend together and their divergent expectations about the relationship.

What made matters worse is that, whenever Ann entered into a new relationship, she stopping talk to and seeing her friends, so that when she needed emotional support, they expressed resentment towards her that they hadn't heard from her in a while and were annoyed that she called them only when she was having problems.

Ann had a hard time seeing this because she was so immersed in whatever relationship she was in.  She thought her friends "should" be there for her, even if she'd made no effort to be in touch with them for months.

Related to her problem of disengaging from her friends, she expected that her current romantic partner would supply all her emotional, intellectual and physical needs.  Even when she had a lot in common with her current boyfriend, inevitably, there were some interests that she had that he didn't.

When her current boyfriend didn't want to take up one of her particular interests, she became annoyed  and disappointed.  This led to arguments and her expectations and the arguments led to her boyfriends telling her that they felt suffocated by her and that it wasn't reasonable for her to expect to have all of her needs met in the relationship.  But this was contrary to Ann's basic assumptions and expectations in a relationship.

It took a while for Ann to be willing to explore her basic assumptions and expectations of relationships because she held them very tightly.  She wanted her boyfriend to be her "everything" and couldn't understand why anyone who was her boyfriend wouldn't want this too.  She also couldn't understand why her boyfriends wanted to see their friends and go to sports events or other activities with them when she was very willing to take up these interests.  This also created a lot of friction in her relationships.

As we explored her history of relationships, there was no evidence to suggest that she had a string of bad luck or that these men had particular problems that contributed to the breakups.  The problem in all of these relationships was, primarily, that Ann wanted to create an exclusive dependency between her and her boyfriend, and she refused to see that this created recurring problems in her relationships.

Even if she found a boyfriend who wanted the same kind of intense dependency that excluded other people, having  such an insular relationship would have been emotionally unhealthy.  Often, sooner or later, people get bored and the individuals and the relationship becomes stagnant.  One person can't meet all your needs.

It took a while for Ann to be willing to look at herself rather than externalizing her problems in relationships.  Family history played a big part in her views.  Ann needed to learn how to be in a relationship and how to maintain and nurture her friendships.

Learning From Past Romantic Relationships

At that point, she was able to change her usual dynamics and she was a lot happier in a new long-term relationship and in her friendships.

Getting Help in Therapy:  When You're Open to Looking at Your Own Recurring Patterns in Relationships, You Have an Opportunity to Make Changes
As I mentioned previously, this is just one possible example of a recurring pattern that can cause relationships to end.

When you're able to be open and objective about the role that you play in current and prior relationships, you can change recurring dysfunctional patterns.

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples, and I have helped many individuals and couples to overcome patterns that have created obstacles for them.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at 212 726-1006 or email me: josephineolivia@aol.com.

Also see my article:  Making Changes Within Yourself to Have the Life You Want

Risky Business: Having a Sexual Affair with Your Boss

Having a sexual affair with your boss is engaging in risky business with your career and your emotions. What might start out as seductive and exciting could end up a disaster for you and  your boss.  

Risky Business:  Having a Sexual Affair with Your Boss

Office Affairs
Before I went to college, I spent a few years working as a secretary in the corporate world.  Having graduated high school at 17, I wasn't sure what I wanted to do, so I became a secretary while I did some soul searching about my life.  At the time, secretarial jobs were plentiful and it was the way that many women entered the workforce.  Being young and naive, I had a lot to learn about the world of work and the complicated relationships that people had with each other, and I certainly knew nothing about sexual affairs between bosses and their subordinates.

On Day One, I was escorted to my desk by the vice president's executive secretary, a tall, beautiful Argentinian woman, Alicia (not her real name) who dressed impeccably and left a faint seductive trail of her perfume as she walked by.  She carried herself like a queen, and I soon learned that she wielded a lot of power in the office over everyone who reported to her boss.  Although she was very charming, her manner was also intimidating.  I sensed immediately that people were afraid of her.  They also hinted salaciously that Alicia was having a longstanding sexual affair with her boss, the vice president, who was a married man with children.

Having a Sexual Affair with Your Boss Can Jeopardize Your Emotional Health and Your Career

Soon after I arrived, I was warned by the other secretaries that I shouldn't do anything to cross Alicia because one word from her to her boss and people were fired.  By the second week, I observed Alicia berating my boss in front of other managers.  She eviscerated him in her imperial manner and then she walked away.  When she left, he stood by his desk speechless and looking ashamed and powerless.  I turned away and pretended not to see what had just happened to help him save face.

On the surface, the secretaries and the managers went out of their way to ingratiate themselves with Alicia.  But, behind her back, they engaged in revenge fantasies about her downfall.  Being so young and inexperienced about the work world, I tried to steer clear of the vicious gossip.  But I couldn't help observing how Alicia and her boss barely concealed their sexual affair.  They were openly flirtatious with each other in front of everyone, and they took long lunches together, coming back all smiles.

If this sounds like something out of the TV program, "Mad Men," it's because, at the time, this wasn't unusual behavior at the office.  This was before companies instituted sexual harassment policies and bosses were warned about the dire consequences to the company and themselves if a sexual affair went south and a subordinate filed a complaint against the boss.

One day, I came in and I was surprised to see Alicia sitting at her desk with puffy red eyes, looking nervous and ill at ease.  It was obvious that she had been crying.  When her boss came out to give her work, rather than lingering around her seductively as he usually did, he was stone faced.  He handed her the work, barely looking at her, and went back in his office closing the door.  Soon, the office rumor mill was gleefully buzzing:  The vice president broke it off with Alicia, telling her that he had no intention of leaving his wife and children.  This was the day people were waiting for and they couldn't be more elated than if they had won the lottery.

Sitting alone at my desk, I pretended to be engrossed in my work.  I didn't dare make eye contact with Alicia.  Although, like everyone else, by then, I had experienced her tongue lashings on more than one occasion, I couldn't help feeling sorry for her.  I could feel the waves of sadness coming from her direction.  She sat silently typing at her desk, wiping away tears, and looking shrunken and humiliated in her grief.  Somehow, she even looked older.  She was an intelligent woman with excellent administrative skills.  If this had been 20 years later, she could have run the place as a vice president herself, but there were fewer opportunities for women at that time.

A few weeks later, I was offered another job and I left.  Many years went by and I didn't know what had become of Alicia or her boss--until I ran into her on the street near Saks Fifth Avenue.  She called out to me and, at first, I didn't recognize her.  When she told me who she was, of course, I remembered her.  At that point, she was easily in her mid-60s.  She was statuesque and beautiful, but I sensed that something was missing.   Her face told the whole story--she looked lost and sad.

Over coffee, she told me that she had never married and lived with her older sister.  She was retired now and spent most of her time at home.  She alluded to being pushed out of her job by the vice president and how the staff was openly hostile to her before she left.  Since Alicia and I had never talked about her affair with her boss before, I was surprised at how candid she was with me now.  I didn't know quite what to say, so I just listened.  I sensed that she didn't have many friends that she could talk to and her older sister was very straight laced.

Apparently, the breakup had been disastrous for her.  She really loved her boss and hoped that he would leave his wife.  She felt she wasted many precious years having an affair with him, taking work home, and helping him to rise in the company.  And in the end, when he got tired of her, she was, unceremoniously, shown the door and she never got over it.

Putting Your Emotional Health and Career at Risk
Not every office affair ends so dramatically or with such long lasting consequences.  This isn't the late 1960s with anything-goes sex at the office. Women and men have a lot more opportunities than they did before.  We also have Federal laws and corporate policies that help to protect people like Alicia who get fired after their bosses get tired of the affair.

But allowing yourself to become involved in an office affair can be disastrous for you emotionally and financially.  Even during the time when the sexual affair is going on, if you're the "other woman" or the "other man" in  your boss's life and you're hoping to transform the affair into a relationship, chances are that you'll be hurt and disappointed, especially if your boss is married.  Although there are exceptions, most people don't leave their spouses to be with the "other woman" or "other man."

As alluring as a sexual affair at the office might seem at first, it's best to steer clear of these situations.  The emotional pain and potential damage to a career isn't worth it.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, see my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also see my blog article:  Leading a Double Life as the "Other Woman" or "Other Man" in an Affair


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