When Just "Moving On" or "Starting Over" Isn't the Answer to Your Problems

There are times when "moving on" or "starting over" isn't the answer to resolving your problems.  The reason why is that, in those instances, there are underlying reasons for your problems, and if you don't understand how and why those problems developed in the first place, you're more likely to repeat the same problems.  I've been writing about infidelity lately, and this is the type of problem that requires a deeper look, so I'll use this as an example in this article (see my articles: Coping With Secrets and Lies in Your Relationship, Infidelity: Cheating on Your Husband Even Though You're Not the Type and Infidelity: Your Spouse Cheated on You. Should You Stay or Should You Go?).

When Just "Moving On" and "Starting Over" Isn't the Answer to Your Problems 

When a problem occurs that makes you feel uncomfortable, it's tempting to want to sweep the problem under the rug by saying you want to "move on" without exploring what contributed to the problem (see my article: Discovering the Unconscious Issues at the Root of Your Problems and Therapy Can Help You to Stop Sweeping Uncomfortable Problems Under the Rug).

This is most likely to happen when you feel ashamed of your behavior, as in the case of infidelity.  But if you brush this problem aside, even if you apologize to your partner, you and your partner are missing a valuable opportunity to discover the underlying reasons for what happened.  You might also be minimizing your partner's feelings of betrayal, sadness and anger.

Without that understanding, you're leaving the underlying issues for the problem in place and there to be activated again in the future.

While no one likes to admit that they made a mistake, taking responsibility for your behavior is part of being a mature adult.

While you might be very ashamed and feel guilty for your behavior and you might think that these feelings alone will prevent you from making the same mistake again, it's more than likely that the problem will reoccur due to the unconscious underlying reasons.

This is why it's so important to get help from a licensed mental health professional, who can help you to discover what the unconscious reasons were and how to prevent this problem in the future.

Fictional Clinical Vignette: 
When Just "Moving On" or "Starting Over" Isn't the Answer to Your Problems: Infidelity
The following clinical vignette illustrates these points using the example of infidelity.  However, there are many other problems, besides infidelity, that are similar in terms of there being underlying issues that need to be discovered and understood.

Ann and Bruce
When Bruce discovered that his wife, Ann, was having an affair with a coworker, he was devastated.

Married for several years and with two children, they knew they wanted to stay together rather than throwing away the life they had together.  But they each had different ideas about how to overcome their problems.

After Bruce discovered pictures of Ann having sex with her coworker, Jim, on Ann's phone, he was devastated.  He trusted Ann completely, and the thought that Ann would cheat on him never crossed his mind, so he was shocked and upset when he found the pictures.

He told Ann that he wanted to forgive her and to remain in their relationship, but he didn't think he could without understanding why this happened.  And since Ann, who expressed her regret and shame, said she didn't know why she got sexually involved with another man, Bruce told her that they needed to go to couples counseling.

Ann resisted the idea for several weeks after Bruce discovered the affair.  She told Bruce that she thought they should "move on" rather than talk about these issues in couples counseling.  She tried to reassure him that she would never cheat on him again, but Bruce wasn't convinced.

After a few weeks where they were barely talking to one another and realizing that this was affecting their two young children, Ann agreed very reluctantly to go for couples counseling.

Bruce sought the couples counselor and made the appointment.  He left his office early on the first day of their appointment and waited for Ann, who was 15 minutes late.

The psychotherapist obtained basic information from them, including the nature of the presenting problem and why they were seeking couples counseling.  Bruce provided most of the information while Ann sat looking sullen.  She barely made eye contact with Bruce or the psychotherapist.

When the therapist asked Ann why she was there, Ann said that she came because Bruce wanted to do couples counseling, but she didn't see the need for it.  As far as she was concerned, they should "just start over," especially since she acknowledged her mistake and made a promise not to do it again.

When Just "Moving On" or "Start Over" Isn't the Answer to Your Problems

The therapist could see that Ann was very ashamed and this was getting in Ann's way of being open and honest in the session.

She provided Ann and Bruce with psychoeducation about couples counseling and discussed some of the ground rules--speaking from your own experience, not interrupting the other person when s/he is speaking, and showing up for regular weekly appointments (see my article: Why It's Important for Psychotherapists to Provide Clients With Psychoeducation About How Psychotherapy Works).

Then, the therapist explained why it's important to discover the underlying issues involved in the infidelity, and she stressed that there are always underlying reasons.

She also emphasized that discovering the reasons is not the same as condoning or justifying the infidelity.  Rather than condoning or justifying, knowing the reasons for the infidelity would provide them with a chance to make changes in themselves as individuals as well as making changes in the relationship.

At the end of the session, they talked about scheduling their next appointment, but Ann said she didn't bring her work appointments with her, so she would need to wait until the next day in order to be able to make an appointment.  She made a commitment to call the therapist on the following day with information about when both she and Bruce would be available.

But the next day came and went without Ann contacting the therapist.  When Bruce asked Ann about it, she told him that she forgot to check her work schedule, so she would have to wait another day.  She knew she had a few tentative meetings at work and a possible upcoming business trip, so she wanted to wait until she had more information about these work events before she contacted the therapist.

Bruce expressed his frustration to Ann.  He felt that Ann was procrastinating and putting her work life ahead of their marriage.  He was also concerned because the man that Ann had an affair with still worked with Ann.

After they argued, Ann contacted the therapist the next day with a sense of resentment, and she made their next appointment.

During their next appointment, Ann was surprised that their therapist asked her what she got out of having the affair--what made her happy about it?  Ann hesitated to answer, and Bruce squirmed in his seat.

Seeing they were uncomfortable, the therapist explained that even though she understood that Ann felt remorseful for the affair and made a commitment that she would never cheat again, it was still important to understand what Ann felt she gained from the affair in order to discover why it happened and what changes could be made so it wouldn't happen again.

After the therapist explained the importance of understanding this issue, Bruce said he understood and, although he was uncomfortable, he realized that he had the same questions, but he didn't know how to ask Ann.

Ann hesitated a few seconds before she answered and then, looking down at the floor, she said she wasn't proud of her behavior.  In fact, she said, she felt very ashamed, which is what was making it difficult to talk about it.

She explained that her coworker, Jim, had been flirting with her for a while before they got involved. At first, she made light of Jim's comments or she laughed it off.  But then they were thrown together on a project, so they had to work closely together.

Over time, she explained, she felt flattered by Jim's attention and she began to feel attracted to him.  After a while, she began flirting back with him and she liked how their flirting made her feel.  She hadn't flirted with anyone in several years, and it made her feel sexy and attractive (see my article: The Connection Between Infidelity and the Need to Feel Desirable).

Then, in the middle of Ann telling her story, she stopped and said to the therapist, "I want you to know what I told Bruce after he found out about the affair.  He's been a wonderful husband and father.  He's been very good to me.  I love him and I know he loves me.  The affair isn't his fault."

Taking a deep breath, Ann continued:  After a few weeks of spending time with Jim and flirting, she realized that she missed him when she wasn't around him, so she would find reasons to text or email when they weren't at work.

After a while, Jim was texting her on a regular basis when they weren't together and she would respond to his flirty texts.  Soon after that, they went on a business trip together.  After a few drinks, "one thing lead to another and we slept together."

She expressed feeling very guilty and ashamed, but she also wasn't ready to stop having sex with Jim.  When she was with him, she felt attractive, free and sexy--something she had not felt in her marriage for many years.  At the time, she liked the way she felt with Jim, and she didn't want to give it up.  She never intended to hurt Bruce.

She thought she had hidden the pictures they took of themselves having sex.  In hindsight, she realized that this was a reckless thing to do but, at the time, it felt like fun.  Had she known that Bruce would find these pictures, she never would have agreed to taking them.

As Bruce listened, he began to cry, "You and I haven't had sex in more than a year.  With all the stress that you've been under with your job, taking care of our kids, and all other responsibilities, I thought I was being considerate of you by not pressuring you for sex.  It's not that I didn't want it--it was just that I thought you weren't interested in sex anymore.  You can't even imagine how hurt I feel knowing that you were having sex with another man and feeling sexy and attractive with him when I was getting your tired, irritable self" (see my article: Have You and Your Spouse Stopped Having Sex?).

At that point, Ann got up to leave, but the therapist urged her to stay and talk about what was going on for her at that moment.

Ann sat back down and looked at the floor, "This is torture for me and for Bruce.  I know you said it's important to understand the underlying reasons that contributed to the infidelity, but I'm having a very hard time with this."

In their next session, Bruce talked about how he wanted to have back the sexual wife that Ann had been when they first got married.  He talked about how they used to have sex almost every day when they first got married and then, gradually, the sex diminished until they got to a point when they weren't having sex anymore.

Ann explained that she felt like a different person when she was with Jim.  She didn't have to think about the kids or her responsibilities at home.  She felt free for the first time in a long time.  She also felt like "a new woman."

They talked about what changes they could make as individuals and as a couple so that they could improve their sex life.  Bruce had a few suggestions about allowing his parents to take the children more often so they would have time to themselves to rekindle their sexual relationship.

But Ann wasn't open to this.  She said she didn't like the idea of sending the children to their paternal grandparents, even though they liked to visit their grandparents and their grandparents would love to have them over more often.  So, they were at an impasse.

After a few more sessions where Bruce came up with more ideas for them to rekindle their relationship, including going away together without the children, and Ann coming up with reasons why Bruce's suggestions wouldn't work, Ann refused to continue in couples therapy (see my article: When Clients Leave Therapy Prematurely).

So, Bruce came on his own.  When Bruce returned to therapy on his own, he was still hopeful that he and Ann could rekindle the passion between them.  But, as time went on, he told the therapist that Ann went back to being "shut down."  Now, she refused to talk about their problems and she didn't even want to have the occasional sex that they once had.

As time went by, Bruce felt increasingly disheartened.  Ann refused to come back to therapy and she also refused to discuss things between them.  She went back to saying that she thought they should "move on" with their lives and she promised she would never cheat on him again.

Several months later, Bruce discovered texts between Ann and Jim that began a month before.  It was also clear that they had resumed their affair.  When he confronted Ann about it, she tried to deny it at first.  But when Bruce showed her the texts that he found, she admitted that she resumed the affair with Jim, and she apologized again.

But Bruce was too hurt and angry to remain in the household, so he moved out.  He needed time to think on his own.  He also asked Ann not to contact him while he was deciding what he wanted to do.

When Bruce spoke to the therapist about it, he realized that he no longer wanted to be with Ann.  He knew he couldn't trust her anymore, and he wanted a divorce.  They talked about how he would tell Ann and how they could both approach their children.

A few weeks later, Bruce told Ann that he wanted a divorce.  She begged him not to leave her, but he told her that it was too late.  He still loved her, but without trust, he couldn't stay with her.  Soon after that, he hired a divorce attorney and recommended to Ann that she do the same.

Bruce continued in therapy to work through his feelings of betrayal, anger, sadness and loss.  Even though he would have preferred to have nothing to do with Ann ever again, he knew they would need to have at least a civil relationship because of the children, so he also worked on this in his therapy.

Conclusion
There are some problems that require delving below the surface to understand the unconscious reasons that contributed to the problem.  Infidelity is one of those problems.

All too often either one or both people in the relationship want to sweep the problems under the rug.  Shame often is a big contributing factor.

Making a decision to "move on" or "start over" doesn't change the underlying reasons for the problem.  That decision only pushes down those underlying factors.  It doesn't get rid of them.

With infidelity, in particular, men and women often cheat on their partners because they get to experience themselves in a different way when they are in an affair--attractive, sexy, carefree, unencumbered by the day-to-day issues involved in maintaining a relationship and a family.

Although this might sound superficial, for the person who has the affair, it represents a renewed sense of self, a sense of self that all too often has disappeared.

Even when you make a commitment to yourself and to your partner that you won't engage in infidelity again, these underlying reasons become compelling factors in continuing or resuming an affair--unless you work in therapy to understand them and find ways to try to create an atmosphere in your relationship where you can experience that sense of yourself--even though it can be challenging.

This doesn't mean that every person who has an affair will cheat again.  But when you don't address the underlying issues on both sides that contributed to the affair, chances are that these underlying reasons will get activated again and result in a continuation or resumption of infidelity.

Getting Help in Therapy
Shame keeps many people out of therapy (see my article: Overcoming Shame: Is Shame Keeping You From Starting Therapy?).

It takes courage to ask for help (see my article: Developing the Courage to Change and Overcoming Your Fear of Asking For Help).

If you've tried unsuccessfully to work out your problems on your own, you owe it to yourself to get help from a licensed mental health professional (see my articles:  The Benefits of Psychotherapy and How to Choose a Psychotherapist)..

Getting help sooner rather than later is often the key to resolving problems.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Thinking of "Starting Over"? Ask Yourself, "What's Changed?"

Before you consider "starting over" in a troubled relationship, it's a good idea to ask yourself, "What changed?," especially if, as a couple, you haven't reflected on what needs to change and how the two of you are going to bring about that change (see my article: Love: Is It Really Better the Second Time Around?)

Relationships: Thinking of "Starting Over"?  Ask Yourself: "What's Changed?"

Many couples, who have having problems in their relationship, decide that telling themselves they're "starting over" means they've changed their problems.

But without introspection by each individual, an understanding of what went wrong in the past, and a plan to make changes, in most cases, the same problems continue--no matter how many times these couples vow to "start over."

Some couples might say that they've talked about their problems and they've decided not to repeat the same mistakes.  But with complex relationship problems, if you don't understand the underlying issues at the root of these problems, a simple declaration to not repeat your mistakes won't resolve the problems.

Let's look at a fictionalized scenario that illustrates these issues:

Jane and Bob
Bob and Jane were dating for two years when they moved in together.  Both of them were divorced and had not dated in a long time before they met each other.

Relationships: Thinking of "Starting Over"?  Ask Yourself: "What's Changed?"

Initially, things were going well and they were enjoying their time together, but several months later, Jane discovered that Bob secretly engaged in online gambling.

One night, she woke up in the early hours of the morning to find Bob at their computer in the living room playing poker online.

When he heard Jane come into the room, Bob tried to hide what he was doing by switching to another website, but Jane had already seen what he was doing and she confronted him (see my article: Are Toxic Secrets Ruining Your Relationship?)

They stayed up all the night to talk about Bob's gambling.  At first, he told Jane that this was the first time that he had ever gone onto this gambling site.  But when Jane looked at the browser history, she saw that he was regularly on various gambling sites.

At that point, Bob had to admit that he would frequently gamble online, and he had been gambling online for several years, but he didn't want Jane to know about it because he felt ashamed about it.

Although Jane felt compassion for Bob, she was also shocked and angry that Bob hid his problem from her.

Over the next few days, as Jane and Bob continued to discuss his gambling, Jane found out that Bob had withdrew a considerable amount of money from their joint checking account.

When Jane confronted Bob about this, he told her that he had planned to replace the money before Jane found out about it, but he was having a "bad streak of luck."  He admitted that he was also gambling on sports and he had lost a lot of money.

By now, Jane was very upset.  She was beginning to realize that Bob's gambling problem was a lot worse than she had originally suspected.

After thinking it over for a few days, Jane told Bob that she couldn't live with a gambler, especially since her father gambled away her family's savings.  Then, she asked Bob to move out.

Relationships: Thinking of "Starting Over?" Ask Yourself: "What's Changed?"

Bob pleaded with Jane to give him a chance to overcome his gambling problem.  He knew he would be miserable without Jane and he felt deep remorse for putting their relationship in jeopardy.

Jane wasn't sure what to do at that point, so she asked Bob to move out for a few weeks so she could think about what she wanted to do.

During the weeks that Bob and Jane were apart, they agreed to no contact.  They each missed each other a lot, and Jane wondered if she had made a mistake by asking Bob to move out.

After their separation period was over, they agreed to talk.  Bob told Jane that he wanted more than anything for them to get back together.  He asked her if she would consider "starting over" and he promised he would never gamble again.

Jane told Bob that their weeks apart had been very hard for her, and she missed him a lot.  She made Bob promise that he would never gamble again and, when he did, she agreed that they should "start over."

They both agreed that they wouldn't discuss his gambling or this painful period in their lives again, and they would resume their relationship "as if nothing had ever happened."  They both wanted to "put it behind" them (see my article: Overcoming Your Emotional Blind Spots)

Relationships: Thinking of "Starting Over"?  Ask Yourself, "What's Changed?"

Initially, they were so glad to be back together again that they went on a romantic vacation together to rekindle their relationship.  They had a wonderful time, and when they got back, they were more resolved than ever to be together.

But a month or so later, Jane couldn't help wondering if Bob was secretly gambling again.  She wanted to trust him, but she began to have doubts.

Whenever she began to have doubts, Jane tried to put these doubts out of her mind, but they kept coming back.

Then, one day, when Bob was out, Jane decided on a whim to look at the browser history, which had been cleared of the previous history, and she saw that Bob had resumed gambling again.  She felt completely betrayed.

When Bob got home, he discovered that Jane had packed his things and put everything by the door.  He realized immediately that Jane had discovered that he started gambling again.

He pleaded with Jane to give him another chance, but she was adamant that he needed to move out.  She didn't want to live her mother's life with a gambler.

A few weeks later, Bob began therapy with a therapist who specialized in addictions.

Over time, he learned about the emotional triggers that triggered his compulsive gambling.  His therapist told him that, in addition to attending therapy, he needed to attend a 12 Step program for gamblers, Gamblers Anonymous and also get a sponsor in that program.

Bob attempted to bargain with his therapist, telling the therapist that he thought he could cut back on his gambling so that it would be less of a problem--rather than abstaining completely from gambling (see my article: Starting Therapy: It's Not Unusual to Feel Anxious and Ambivalent).

But his therapist told Bob that he had a serious problem and explained that if Bob gave into his compulsion to gambling, even if it was less frequently than before, he would be reinforcing this habit and wouldn't stop.  He also explained the brain chemistry involved with gambling and other addictions.

Bob decided to leave therapy (see my article: When Clients Leave Therapy Prematurely).

He felt he could handle his problems on his own, so he made a promise to himself that he would only gamble once a week and he would set a limit on how much money he would allow himself to lose

For the first month, this appeared to work for Bob and he was proud of himself.  He kept to his promise to himself to only gamble once a week and to stay within certain monetary limits.

Bob felt so good about what he saw as progress that he told himself that he was able to control himself and he could gamble twice a week and increase the limit of what he allowed himself to lose.

As time went on, Bob felt bored and he kept bargaining with himself and this resulted in his gambling more often and losing much more money than he had ever lost before (see my article: Overcoming Addiction: Boredom as a Relapse Trigger).

Before he realized it, Bob had gambled away much of his savings and he was tempted to borrow money from his parents.  But at that point, Bob stopped himself.  He knew that he had sunk to a new low and his denial about his problem was only making it worse.

Bob went back to therapy and made a commitment to remain.  He also began attending Gamblers Anonymous (G.A.) and he got a sponsor that he called several times a week, especially when he felt a urge to gamble.

A year later, Bob celebrated his one year anniversary of abstaining from gambling.  He knew his triggers, and he knew he needed to talk about his habit in his individual psychotherapy sessions and in G.A. groups and with his sponsor.  He also knew that he needed to be aware of not becoming complacent.

Throughout this time, Bob continued to miss Jane.  He had thought about calling her many times, but he was afraid that she would hang up on him.

After celebrating his one year anniversary, Bob called Jane and hoped for the best.  He had already discussed this with his therapist and his sponsor, so he was prepared if she rejected him.  But, to his surprise, she sounded glad to hear from him, and they decided to meet for coffee.

Relationships: Thinking of "Starting Over"? Ask Yourself: "What's Changed?"

Coffee led to dinner.  Jane was happy to hear that Bob hadn't gambled in a year.  She sensed his sincerity and commitment to his recovery. He also offered to have her come to a therapy session with his therapist.

After that, they decided to go to couples counseling (see my article: Starting Couples Counseling).

They both knew that simply saying that they would "start over" wasn't the answer, and they needed help from a licensed mental health professional if they were going to get back together again.

Conclusion
A couple's decision to "start over" is usually well intentioned.  But if the couple doesn't address the issues in a meaningful way and with professional help, especially if they have serious problems, it's usually a misguided strategy.

Without realizing it, many couples tell themselves that they will "start over" as a form of denial--a way to avoid dealing with their problems on a deeper level.

In most cases where there are serous problems, it's magical thinking to think that their problems will automatically vanish because they've decided to "put it behind" them.

Many relationships that could be salvaged with professional help end permanently after many efforts to "start over" don't work.

Getting Help in Therapy
While it might be tempting to put aside problems by vowing to "start over," this is usually a doomed strategy.

Acknowledging and understanding the problems on a superficial level is only the first step.

Rooting out the underlying, unconscious issues requires the skill of a licensed mental health professional.

If you and your significant other have been struggling with relationship problems and "starting over" hasn't worked for you, you could benefit by seeking help from a licensed psychotherapist.

It could make the difference between salvaging your relationship or ending it.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Your Ex, Who Abandoned You, Wants to "Start Over"

Being abandoned by someone you love deeply is one of the most painful experiences that anyone can go through.  It can be debilitating on every level--emotionally, physically, and spiritually.  It can cause you to feel you're "not good enough" and "not lovable."  Many people often feel ashamed about being left, especially because it can trigger earlier abandonment issues from childhood.

Your Ex Wants to Start Over

The Road to Emotional Recovery
When you've been abandoned by someone you loved and trusted, the road to recovery can be long and arduous, especially if you were in a long term relationship with this person.  As human beings, we're hard wired for emotional bonding and attachment, not for loss.

What often makes it worse is that well-meaning people might try to encourage you to "just get over it" and "move on," but it's just not possible to wave a magic wand to erase the emotional pain involved with this type of major loss.  You need time and space to grieve.  And, yet, life goes on.  You still need to get up every day, although it might take a lot of effort just to do that, and take care of your responsibilities.   You might wonder how you'll get through the day or even the next minute without falling apart.

Step by step, with the support of loved ones who understand you and your loss, you work to put the pieces of your shattered heart and your life back together again.  Gradually, the pain begins to lift until you begin to feel a sense of hope again.  You realize that you're now having moments when you feel lighter.  You're not completely recovered, but you're not where you were when your spouse or partner left.

What to Do If Your Ex Wants to "Start Over"?
Over time, you're starting to feel better about yourself and the world around you.  Then, suddenly, the unthinkable happens:  Your ex, who abandoned you, returns and he or she wants to "start over" again.  Once again, your world can get turned upside down.

If your second reaction, after the initial shock, is anger, you're in good company.  This is a common and understandable reaction in this situation.  But shock and anger can't be the basis for making a decision about whether to start over with your ex.  You need to stop, think and sort out your feelings before you make any hasty decisions.

No one can tell you what's right for you.  For many people, who were left by an ex, the answer to "starting over" would be a resounding "No!" and they would send their ex packing with Donna Summer's song, "I Will Survive" playing in the background.  But for many other people, including possibly you, the answer might not be so clear.   You might feel confused by a lot of mixed feelings.    This is also a common reaction.

But there are a few questions you can ask yourself that might help you to decide if you want to open your heart and allow your ex to return:

What has changed?

Your ex's apology and just saying you're going to "start over" doesn't automatically resolve whatever issues caused your ex to abandon the relationship or whatever problems you might have had before.  Be honest with yourself. What has changed?  Even if your ex had an epiphany about his or her behavior, will this realization alone be enough to prevent your ex from abandoning you again?  Wanting to change and actually being able to change are two different things.  And if not much has changed, can you endure going through the same kind of heartbreak again if your ex walks out of the relationship again?

How do you feel about yourself when you think about getting back into a relationship with your ex?

It's important to start with this question rather than how you feel about your ex.  Whether you're angry, sad, hurt, happy or glad that your ex wants to get back together again, pay attention to your gut feelings about this.  Aside from your initial feelings about making up, which can be exciting and sexy at first, what's your sense about what the relationship will be like for you after this initial stage?  

How do you feel about him or her?
During your healing process, your feelings might have changed about your ex and, possibly, about what you want from a romantic partner or relationship in general.  Aside from the anger and hurt, if you can look at your ex objectively, what are your feelings about being back in a relationship with your ex?  If you're still in love with your ex, put those emotions aside for the time being and assess what you think is best for you.

What was your part in the breakup?
This can be one of the hardest things to consider.  But whether you take your ex back or not, this is an important question to ask yourself because you don't want to repeat the same mistakes, whether it's with your ex or someone new.

Taking responsibility for your part in the breakup, even though it was your ex who walked out, is important for your own personal development.  This doesn't mean that you blame yourself for all of your ex's problems or all the problems in the relationship--just your part.  It also doesn't mean that you allow guilt to influence your decision.  Are there things you'd like to change about yourself?  If so, how do you plan to go about making these changes?

Take Your Time
If you have mixed feelings about getting back with your ex, take your time to consider your decision carefully.  Only you know how difficult it was to go through the breakup and what it took to get to the other side of this emotional crisis.  There are emotional risks in taking back your ex, especially if he or she has abandoned the relationship more than once.  Don't allow your ex's sense of urgency to cause you to make a hasty decision.

Also, be aware that loneliness and a fear that you might not meet anyone new could cloud your decision.  This isn't about settling out of fear.   It's about making the best possible decision for yourself based on what you know in your gut.

Getting Help in Therapy
Friends and family can be helpful in this process, but they might already have their own strong opinions about your ex and your former relationship.  You might find yourself either defending your ex if your loved ones try to convince you not to go back or defending your feelings about not going back if they're urging you to go back.

In this type of situation, there are usually few people who are close to you who can be truly objective.  So, it can be helpful to see a licensed mental health professional, who is objective and can help you sort through all of your feelings about whether or not to take your ex back without having to defend any particular feelings and without feeling ashamed of your feelings.  If you're unsure about what to do and you have mixed feelings about your ex, you owe this to yourself to put yourself first and get the help you need.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

I work with individual adults and couples.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.