Can't Stop Looking at Your Ex's Social Media Pages? Here Are Some Reasons to Stop

On some level, most people know that continuously reading their ex's Facebook page can be very upsetting, especially if you discover things about your ex--like he has a new girlfriend or, worse still, he got married--that you're not prepared to face.

Can't Stop Looking at Your Ex's Social Media Pages?

Over and over, I hear from psychotherapy clients as well as people in my personal life that they can't stop themselves from looking at their ex's Facebook page, even when they know it's really over.  For many people, it becomes an obsession.  They want to know what's happening in their ex's life and, more importantly, has s/he found someone new?

Although it might be tempting to keep looking at your ex's Facebook page because you feel that you just can't resist, there are some very good reasons to stop:

• You're going to find it very hard to move on if you keep looking at your ex's Facebook page.
• It can be a form of emotional self torture to find out that your ex is with someone new. And, anyway, what can you do with this information, aside from making yourself miserable and upset?
• If you see her looking happy with someone new, it can make you feel awful about yourself, wondering why she wasn't happy with you (even though the pictures you see on the Facebook page might not reflect reality).
• Like any obsessive habit, the more you do it, the more you want to do it, making it very difficult to stop.

Here are some tips that might help you the next time you feel the urge to look at your ex's Facebook page:

• De-friend your ex.  As hard as it might be, it will help you not to have such ready access to your ex's Facebook page.
• Try waiting 20 minutes, when you feel the urge to look, to see if the urge passes.
• Ask yourself, "What do I hope to accomplish by looking at his Facebook page?"
• Go out for a walk or distract yourself by doing something else.
• Talk to a supportive friend who knows how to listen attentively to your feelings.
• Take a break from social media and go out and do something nurturing for yourself.  

When You Don't Want to Let Go of Your Ex
Continually looking at your ex's Facebook page might mean that you're not ready to move on yet, and you might be harboring wishes, no matter how unrealistic, that the two of you might get back together again.  Be honest with yourself and ask yourself if this is what's going on with you.

Are You Avoiding Feeling the Emotional Pain of the Breakup?
Nobody likes to go through the emotional pain of a breakup.  But if you're holding onto unrealistic fantasies of rekindling your romance with your ex, part of this might be an unconscious wish to avoid feeling the pain.  Unfortunately, there's no way to avoid going through the pain in order to get to the other side so you can move on.

Getting Help in Therapy
Mourning the loss of a relationship is hard, but you can make it harder on yourself by holding onto what you know deep down is really over.  Everyone is different and every situation is different when it comes to mourning this type of loss.

No one can tell you how long it should take.  But if you find that, over time, it's not getting a little easier for you, you might consider consulting with a licensed psychotherapist who can help you get over your obsessive reading of your ex's Facebook page and also help you through the mourning process.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

To find out more about me, visit my web site:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also see my article:
Stalking Your Ex on Social Media

Infidelity on Social Media Sites

Infidelity that starts on social media sites is growing at an alarming rate. It starts out innocently enough: Former high school sweethearts discover each other on the social media site, Facebook. They're both married to other people now. They "friend" each other on Facebook or Instagram. 

Infidelity on Social Media Sites

How Affairs Start on Social Media Sites

At first, they only contact each other occasionally. Then, over time the frequency grows. Before long, they're sending direct messages to each other everyday. Fantasies of what "might've been" also grow. Then, they meet for a drink, and before you know, they're having an affair. In most cases, neither person intended to have an affair, but corresponding on social media sites, which are great for staying in touch, make it easy for affairs to blossom and grow.

More and more, I'm hearing from clients in my psychotherapy private practice about these affairs that start on social media sites, like Facebook and other sites. Both the people who are cheating and the people being cheated on are in distress about how these encounters online are ruining their relationships.

Wives and husbands are shocked to find pictures posted online on other people's Facebook sites showing their spouses romantically involved with someone else. Often, these pictures are hard to explain away by the spouse having the affair. Often, the spouse who's cheating is just as shocked to discover that the "other woman" or "other man" would be so indiscrete as to post these pictures online for millions of people to see, including the unsuspecting spouse.

Many of these romantic encounters remain online fantasies without any physical contact. Clients who are involved with an ex in this way often try to say that the lack of physical contact means that it's not cheating. But if these online encounters are taking time and energy away from your marriage or primary relationship, it IS cheating.

In a long-term relationship, it's easy to become bored. Seeing your ex's picture and remembering the ideal romantic times with your ex can be very seductive. It's easy to imagine how much happier you'd be with your ex and get carried away.

On a Slippery Slope to Destroying Your Relationship by Cheating Online

If you find yourself on this slippery slope and you want to save your relationship, you need to start by admitting that you've made a mistake--no matter how innocently it began. 

Of course, it would be better to have the foresight to be honest with yourself and your ex and not start down the slippery slope at all. But if you're already involved, whether strictly online or if it's progressed to a sexual affair, take responsibility for your actions. Be aware that there are, potentially, at least three or more people who could get hurt in this situation.

Getting Help if You're Cheating Online

Above all, whoever you are in this type of situation, get help. It can be one of the most difficult times in your life as you try to sort this out. 

If you're the person having "secret" contact with an ex, even if you feel sure you were "meant to be" with your ex, you'll need the objective help of a licensed mental health professional to work this out. 

Things are not always as they seem. Many people who felt sure they wanted to leave their marriages for an ex become sorely disillusioned when the reality of the new relationship doesn't meet the fantasy.

Getting Help if You're the Spouse of the Person Who is Cheating Online

If you're the spouse of the person cheating online, this can be a devastating time. Infidelity often breaks up marriages--but not always. 

Before you make any rash decisions you owe it to yourself and your marriage to consider carefully what you want to do. A professional mental health practitioner who deals with these issues should never try to steer you in one direction or the other. His or her role is to help you determine what's best for you.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist. I've worked with many clients, on an individual basis as well as in couples therapy, to deal with online infidelity and other forms of infidelity.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also see my articles:
Coping with Infidelity

Your Relationship: Should You Stay or Should You Go?