Relationships: How to Cope With Being Triggered in Your Relationship

Understanding how you and your partner trigger each other involves recognizing that triggers are disproportionately intense emotional reactions that are sparked by current events which have their roots in earlier unresolved trauma.

Partners Triggering Each Other

These reactions are automatic and rooted in the nervous system's fight-or-flight response.

Why Do People Get Triggered?

Triggers typically stem from several deep-seated psychological areas:

• Insecure Attachment History: Early childhood insecure attachment styles, like anxious, avoidant and disorganized attachment, become the models for adult relationships. For instance, a person with an anxious attachment might get triggered by a partner who needs space and an avoidant partner might feel triggered by a partner's request for closeness (see my article: How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship).

Unresolved Trauma and Early Wounds

• Past Unresolved Trauma and Early Wounds: Events between partners that mirror childhood abuse, neglect or abandonment can cause panic where the brain reacts as if the past threat is happening now (see my articles: Reacting to the Present Based on the Past and Unresolved Trauma: Separating "Then" From "Now").

Critical Inner Voice

• Critical Inner Voice: A partner who has a history of unresolved trauma can misinterpret their partner's neutral actions. For example, if a partner says he's too tired to go out to dinner, the other partner's critical inner voice might hear "He doesn't care about me anymore" or "He thinks I'm too boring to be with" or "He thinks I'm unattractive" (see my article: Making Friends With Your Internal Critic).

• Unmet Needs: Triggers often occur when deep vulnerabilities aren't met by a partner (or they are perceived as not being met) like the need to feel seen, safe and respected which is rooted in unresolved trauma (see my article: 4 Ways Unresolved Early Trauma Can Have a Negative Impact on Your Relationship).

What is the Cycle of Mutual Triggering?

Mutual triggering occurs when one partner's reactive behavior becomes a trigger for the other partner. This can create an ongoing cycle of triggers.

• The Pattern: Partner A feels triggered and reacts (e.g., attacking or withdrawing). This reaction, in turn, triggers Partner B's insecurities which causes Partner B to react and so on.

• The Result: At the point when both partners are triggered, what often happens is that their wounded "inner children" engage in conflict which can lead to repeated arguments where nothing is resolved.

What Are Common Triggers in Relationships?

Common triggers in everyday interactions include:

• Criticism: Actual or perceived criticism, disapproval or a dismissive tone
• Rejection/Abandonment: Your partner canceling plans, running late or seeming emotionally distant
• Neglect: Feeling ignored or like your needs aren't important

How Can Partners Manage Triggers Together?

• Self Awareness: Use a journal to identify "raw spots" in your history that cause intense emotions so you can anticipate your triggers

Developing Self Awareness Through Journal Writing

• Naming the Trigger: Communicating clearly to your partner, "I feel triggered because..." can help to shift the focus from blaming your partner to addressing your internal pain. If you can't communicate what is going on with you in the moment, let your partner know that you feel upset and you need a moment to figure out how you're getting triggered. Once you have figured it out, communicate this to your partner.

Name the Trigger

• A Shared Pause Plan: Agree on a word or signal to pause a conversation when one or both of you feel overwhelmed. Make this agreement at a point when both of you are calm and then use it when upset.

Practice Reflective Listening

• Reflective Listening: When your partner shares their feelings, instead of rushing to say how you feel, listen and then paraphrase what you heard. Ask your partner if you have paraphrased their feelings accurately and, if not, ask them to say it again and try paraphrasing again. Then, switch roles. This can help each partner to feel heard and validated (see my article: How to Respond in a Supportive Way to Your Partner's Vulnerability).

Get Help in Couples Therapy

If you and your partner have tried to use these tools and strategies and you're still having problems, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who is a couples therapist.

Get Help in Couples Therapy

Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples, also known as EFT, can help you and your partner learn to identify and prevent your particular negative cycle so that you don't keep triggering each other.

Working in couples therapy can help you to have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Are You Confusing Drama For Love?

I began a discussion about this topic in my prior article,  How to Stop the Drama in Your Relationship.

Confusing Drama For Love

In the current article, I'm focusing on the topic of confusing drama with love.

What is Drama in a Relationship?

Here are some of the concepts from my prior article:

Drama in a relationship refers to unnecessary conflict, emotional manipulation or the creation of problems (where they don't really exist) to get attention or control the relationship including:

• Attention Seeking: Some individuals in a relationship create drama in an effort to feel validated by their partner--often at the partner's emotional expense.

• Poor Communication Skills: When one or both people lack good communication skills, they can struggle to express their emotional needs or resolve conflict in a healthy way.

Confusing Drama For Love

• Unrealistic Expectations: When partners don't have realistic expectations of each other, this can lead to drama, especially if they don't know how to communicate well (see my article: Are You and Your Partner on the Same Wavelength About Your Relationship?).

• Projecting Emotional Pain: Partners can project their own emotional pain onto each other which usually leads to conflict.

• Past Unresolved Psychological Trauma: Partners can unconsciously project their unresolved trauma from the past onto their current relationship (see my article: How Unresolved Trauma Can Affect Your Relationship).

How to Distinguish Love From Drama in a Relationship

The following suggestions can help you to distinguish love from drama:

• A Loving Relationship Tends to Be Stable: All relationships have their ups and downs, but a mature loving relationship tends to be stable and consistent with mutual respect and not with constant drama and conflict.

Confusing Drama For Love

• A Healthy Relationship Tends to Be Secure: You experience a sense of security in a loving relationship--not anxiety or fear.

• A Loving Relationship is Reciprocal: A secure relationship has mutual care, respect and support. It does not involve one-sided drama, attention seeking and constant upheaval. It's also not transactional (see my article: What Are Transactional Relationships?).

• Self Love is Essential: In healthy relationships each person experiences self love which is different from codependency or the need for constant validation.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette illustrates how someone can confuse drama for love:

Jane

When Jane met Tom, she felt instantly drawn to him.  She liked that he was quirky and he introduced her to his taste in art, music and culture which was so different from what her own experience.

Although their relationship was fun at the beginning, over time, Jane began to wonder about the relationship as she noticed certain of Tom's unstable behavior patterns.

He would text her constantly for days and then he would be unreachable for a week or more. In addition, he might show up at her apartment at 2 AM because he would say that he missed her so much and couldn't wait to see her, but then he would ignore her for days at a time.

When they began arguing about his behavior, Tom would tell her that they had a loving, passionate relationship which was why they had so many arguments, but Jane felt increasingly unhappy with their dynamic so she sought help in therapy.

Confusing Drama For Love

Jane told her therapist that she wondered if Tom was right: Did they have so many arguments because they had a passionate loving relationship or was there a problem?  She felt confused because this was her first committed relationship.

As Jane talked about her relationship with Tom in her therapy, she began to realize that she didn't like feeling so insecure in their relationship. She also realized their relationship tended to be on Tom's terms and when he didn't get his way, he would sulk and withdraw emotionally.

After a while, Jane came to the conclusion in her therapy that she didn't like being in such an  unstable relationship. She enjoyed their fun times together, but their fun times didn't make up for the instability and the one-sided nature of the relationship.  

She also became aware that she had confused the drama for love, but she realized that love and drama are two different things.

Confusing Drama For Love

Soon after that, Jane ended her relationship with Tom and she began seeing Bill. A few months into her relationship with Bill, she realized her new relationship was much more secure, reciprocal and stable. Although it might have lacked some of the excitement she felt with Tom, Jane knew her relationship with Bill was a relationship that could grow and flourish.

Conclusion

During the early stage of a relationship drama and chaos might seem fun and exciting, but it shouldn't be confused with love.

When a relationship is based on drama, it's difficult, if not impossible, to build the necessary a foundation for the relationship to grow.

When you can make the distinction between love and drama, you can decide if you want to remain in a relationship that's based on drama or you want a more solid, stable relationship.

Get Help in Therapy

Relationships based on drama can be challenging to get out of--even when you realize that it's the drama that's keeping you together and not love.

Get Help in Therapy

A skilled mental health professional can help you to discover why you might be hooked into an unstable and unhealthy relationship.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has the expertise you need so you can lead a more meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience helping individual adults and couples with a variety of issues.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

How Can People-Pleasing Behavior Affect a Relationship?

Individuals who engage in people-pleasing behavior are often unaware of how their behavior can affect their relationship to their partner as well as their relationship to themselves (see my article: Trauma and People-Pleasing Behavior).

What is People-Pleasing in a Relationship?

People-pleasing in a relationship involves prioritizing the needs, desires and opinions of a partner over your own.  As mentioned above, this behavior comes at the expense of the individual's well-being and the emotional health of the relationship.

People-Pleasing Behavior 

What Are the Characteristics of People-Pleasing Behavior?

Individuals who engage in people-pleasing behavior tend to be overly giving because they need to be needed.

Common traits include:

• Having low self worth
• Having little self awareness
• Behaving in an overly agreeable manner
• Accommodating other people's needs at the expense of their own
• Going with the flow of other people's desires
• Being unable to assert their own needs or not even understanding their own needs
• Feeling a sense of worth based on other people's validation as opposed to internal validation
• Apologizing when no apology is necessary
• Taking the blame when they are not at fault
• Making excuses for other people's problematic behavior

What is at the Root of People-Pleasing Behavior?

People-pleasing behavior usually stems from fear of rejection or fear of failure which is usually rooted in early childhood. 

This might involve a parent whose love was conditional so the child learns they have to earn their parent's love at the expense of their own needs.  It might also involve a parent who was emotionally distant or who was emotionally inconsistent (see my article: Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families and People-Pleasing Behavior).

The hallmark of people-pleasing behavior is that individuals look for validation from others as opposed to validating themselves. They want to feel liked and accepted by others because if they can feel validated by others, they feel worthwhile.

These individuals are often conflict avoidant. They like to avoid arguments and confrontations (see my article:  How to Prevent Conflict Avoidance From Ruining Your Relationship).

As a result, they might not tell others how they really feel (or they might not understand how they feel) because their main objective is to keep others happy.

How Does People-Pleasing Behavior Impact Relationships?

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many different cases, is an example of how people-pleasing behavior can impact a relationship:

Jane and Bill

When Jane and Bill began dating, Jane often deferred to whatever Bill wanted to do. When he asked her what she would like to do on a Saturday night, she would usually respond by saying, "Whatever you want to do."

People-Pleasing Behavior in a Relationship

Over time, Jane gradually stopped seeing her friends because she wanted to be available in case Bill called her and wanted to go out.  

After they got married, Bill got a job offer which involved moving from New York City to Mexico City. 

Before he accepted the offer, Bill talked to Jane about how she would feel leaving her teaching job in New York and moving to Mexico. Without considering how she felt, Jane told Bill that if he wanted to move to Mexico City, she would be okay with moving.

Once the school year was over for Jane, they moved to Mexico City and Jane was more isolated than ever. She didn't speak Spanish, she hard no interest in learning, and she hardly ever went out of their apartment. She also felt too insecure to make friends with some of the other American women who lived nearby.

A year into their marriage, Bill knew their relationship was in trouble. He felt resentful that Jane always went along with whatever he wanted whenever there were big decisions to be made. He also felt lonely because he felt the emotional distance that was growing between them.

When a promotion opened up in New York City, Bill talked to Jane about moving back. He told her that he thought she was too isolated in Mexico City. He also shared how lonely he felt with her and he suggested they attend couples therapy when they returned to New York.

Jane complied with Bill's wishes to move back to New York and to get into couples therapy.  She wasn't fully aware of how unhappy Bill was until they began their couples therapy sessions and he talked about his despair in the relationship.

At first, Jane couldn't understand why Bill would be unhappy. She felt she was doing everything she could to make him happy and she feared he would leave her, which made her feel even more insecure.

During their couples therapy sessions, Jane began to understand how she tended to submit to whatever Bill wanted in an effort to feel worthy of their relationship. She also realized she needed to attend her own individual therapy to understand why she felt so out of touch with her own wants and needs.

Over time, Jane was able to trace her people-pleasing behavior to her relationship with her parents who were usually too preoccupied with their own interests to take notice of Jane--unless she performed very well in school or received an award. She gained insight into the root of her behavior and how it was damaging to her and her relationship with Bill.

The work in therapy was neither quick nor easy, but over time Jane gained more of a sense of self. She also realized that her behavior was driven by her fear and insecurity that if she didn't go along with whatever Bill wanted, he would leave her.

The dynamic in their relationship changed slowly over time as Jane got to know herself better and realized that her relationship with Bill was different from her relationship with her parents (see my article: Working Through Emotional Trauma By Learning to Separate "Then" From "Now").

Between her individual therapy sessions, she wrote in her journal as a way to self reflect and understand her feelings. Before she automatically said "yes" to Bill, she thought about what she really wanted.  She also realized that whenever she felt she "should" do something, it was usually out of a sense of obligation instead of what she really wanted. 

In addition, Jane became aware that whenever she remained silent about her misgivings, her resentment came out in other ways, so she learned to express her feelings rather than keeping them to herself (see my article: Letting Go of Resentment in Your Relationship).

Jane also reconnected with her friends and developed new hobbies of her own.

As Jane's confidence grew, she became an equal partner in her relationship with Bill. Their relationship also matured and deepened in a way that made them both happier.

Conclusion

People-pleasing behavior in relationships often has its roots in early family dynamics.

People-pleasing behavior in relationships often remains unconscious until problems arise and the couple explores their dynamic.

This behavior is often difficult to overcome on your own without working with a mental health professional.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you are stuck in people-pleasing behavior, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who can help you to gain insight so you can become your own person.

Getting Help in Therapy

Learning to validate yourself rather than depending upon external validation is part of the process (see my article: What is Self Validation?).

Rather than remaining stuck, get help from a skilled mental health professional so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (Ego States Therapy and IFS), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

Over the years, I have helped many individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Debunking Common Myths About Anxiety

Anxiety is a common psychological condition; however, unfortunately, there are many misconceptions about anxiety (see my article: What is the Difference Between Fear and Anxiety?).

Debunking Common Myths About Anxiety

Anxiety is a treatable and legitimate condition--not a sign of personal weakness. 

Over 40 million adults experience some form of anxiety annually in the United States.

Debunking Common Myths About Anxiety

• Anxiety Isn't An Overreaction or Being "Dramatic": Anxiety disorders are mental health diagnoses that are real. 

• Anxiety Isn't a Sign of Weakness: Anyone can develop an anxiety disorder. It's not a sign of weakness and shouldn't be stigmatized. 

Debunking Common Myths About Anxiety

• You Can't Just "Snap Out of It" or "Relax": Anxiety isn't a voluntary condition. It requires help from a mental health professional.

• Avoiding Triggers Won't Cure Anxiety: Avoiding triggers can reinforce anxiety and make it worse over time. It requires active mental health treatment from a qualified licensed mental health professional (see my article: Avoidance Coping as a Maladaptive "Coping" Strategy).

• Anxiety Isn't in Your Mind: Anxiety includes physical and mental health symptoms which can include panic, racing heart, feeling dizzy, nausea and so on.

• Medication Isn't the Only Treatment: Psychotherapy, lifestyle changes and self care are often effective without medication. Each person who experiences anxiety needs to be assessed for their particular symptoms and their particular mental health needs, which might include medication. 

Note: The purpose of this article is only to provide information. An assessment and diagnosis needs to be made by a qualified medical or mental health professional.

Getting Help in Therapy For Anxiety

Anxiety can include many different types of anxiety-related diagnoses including panic attacks, posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and generalized anxiety to name a few (see my article: Getting Help in Therapy For Anxiety).

Getting Help in Therapy For Anxiety

If you have been experiencing anxiety, you owe it to yourself to get help from a licensed mental health professional.

Developing the tools and strategies to cope with anxiety and getting to the underlying issues can help you to lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To schedule a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

Debunking Myths About Depression

What is a Trauma Therapist? 

Posttraumatic Growth

Debunking Common Myths About Depression

Depression is one of the most common diagnoses in the United States and, yet, it's a diagnosis that is still poorly understood with many misconceptions (see my article: What is the Difference Between Sadness and Depression?).

Debunking Common Myths About Depression

According to the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH), more than 21 million people had at least one depressive episode in 2020. However, people who are depressed continue to be stigmatized because misconceptions about depression persist.

What Are the Symptoms of Depression?

Depression symptoms involve a persistent low mood or loss of interest in activities lasting two weeks or more as well as some or all of the symptoms mentioned below.

The following are among the symptoms that can be depression, but a differential diagnosis must be made by a skilled mental health professional:

• Feeling Down or Empty: A feeling that does not go away
• Loss of interest in activities that were enjoyable before: Anhedonia
• Hopelessness/Pessimism: A bleak outlook about the future
• Feelings of Worthlessness/Guilt: Intense feelings of failure or self blame
• Irritability and Restlessness: Particularly common in men
• Suicidal Thoughts: Thoughts of death or self harm
• Fatigue: Extreme lack of energy or feeling "slowed down"
• Appetite/Weight Changes: Significant weight loss or weight gain; increased or decreased appetite
• Physical Pain: Headaches, cramps or digestive problems that do not improve with treatment
• Reduced Concentration: Difficulty focusing, remembering or making decisions
• Social Isolation: Withdrawing from friends and loved ones

Symptoms in Different Groups:

Men: Men are more likely to show anger, irritability, aggression and more likely to engage in high-risk activities.

Debunking Common Myths About Depression

Women: Women may experience symptoms related to menstrual cycles (e.g., Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder)

Children/Teens: Children and teens may exhibit irritability, outbursts or poor performance in school--although some children and teens don't exhibit these symptoms.

When to Seek Help Immediately

If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, seek help immediately by calling 911 or going to your nearest emergency room.

Common Myths About Depression Debunked

• Depression Isn't All in Your Head: Depression is a biological, social and psychological disorder. It can be chronic and requires psychological treatment. 

• Depression Isn't Only Brought On By a Traumatic Event: A traumatic event isn't necessarily the cause of depression. For example, while experiencing grief is common, someone who is depressed can experience symptoms for a longer period of time than someone who has a loss but who isn't depressed. 

• Medication Alone Doesn't Always Help Depression: The best combination of treatment is often a combination of psychotherapy and, if needed, medication.

Debunking Common Myths About Depression

• You Can't Just "Snap Out of It": Depression isn't a choice. You can't just "snap out of it" with positive thinking (see my article: What is Toxic Positivity?).

• Depression Doesn't Look the Same For Everyone: There is no one-size-fits-all experience of depression. Each person can have different symptoms and a different experience.

• Depression Isn't the Same as Feeling Sad: Feeling sad and being depressed are two different things. Feeling sad or "down" usually doesn't last as long as a depressive episode. 

• Depression Isn't a Sign of Weakness: Anyone can experience depression. Depression is a biological and psychological condition that has nothing to do with being "weak" or "strong".

• Talking About Depression Doesn't Make It Worse: Working with a skilled mental health professional can help to provide clarity and hope. Silence perpetuates the stigma against depression and can increase feelings of isolation.

Note: The purpose of this article is only to provide information. For medical advice or diagnosis, consult a mental health professional who has an expertise in working with individuals who experience depression.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing, Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy) and a Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

The Potential Long Lasting Impact of Trauma

While it's important for everyone to be able to speak up when they are being touched inappropriately, it's mostly a problem for women which I'm addressing in this article.

Why Do Some Women Have Problems Speaking Up When They Are Touched Inappropriately?

There can be many individual reasons why women don't speak up, but the main reasons are fear retaliation, fear of escalation and social conditioning that prioritizes being polite over taking care of oneself.

Speaking Up

In addition, internalized shame and guilt and the societal stigma that often blames the victim instead of holding the perpetrator accountable (e.g., "Look what she was wearing. What did she expect?").

Many women also fear that they will not be believed or they will be seen as overreacting. 

All of these issues create barriers to women speaking up when someone is touching them inappropriately.

In addition, many women experience an internal freeze response where they feel immobilized by the shock of what is happening to them.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette illustrates these issues and how therapy can help:

Ina

When Ina was 20, she came home from college to visit her family during a holiday break.

Her parents invited family friends, Jack and Betty, over for dinner. This was a couple that Ina had known since she was a young child.

After dinner, while everyone else was in the kitchen, Ina was alone with Jack. She noticed Jack starring at her breasts. At first, she thought she imagining it--until he walked over to her and grabbed her breast.

Shocked and speechless, Ina stood frozen there after Jack walked away not knowing what to say or do.  She never would have imagined that Jack would ever touch her inappropriately.

After she got over the initial shock, she couldn't decide what to do when the everyone else came back into the dinning room. So, not knowing what to do, she did nothing, but she didn't feel good about it.

When she was a young child, her parents would leave her with a neighbor, Don, next door who was also a family friend.  Most of the time, Don played with her and told her stories, but sometimes he undressed her and touched her all over her body. 

During those times when Don touched her, Ina froze. When she got the courage to tell her mother about it, her mother didn't believe her. She told Ina that she must be imagining things (see my article: Overcoming Childhood Sexual Abuse).

It wasn't until her parents heard from another neighbor that Don molested another child  their that they realized he was a child molester. So, they stopped allowing Don to babysit for them, but they never confronted Don or reported the incident to the police.

After the incident with Jack, when Ina went back to college, she felt so confused and angry about the incident that she sought counseling at the college counseling office. 

The counselor validated Ina's experience and recommended a trauma therapist off campus who had experience helping clients to work through trauma.

Using a combination of trauma therapies, EMDR and IFS, the trauma therapist helped Ina to work through the recent incident and the childhood incidents (see my article: Combining EMDR Therapy and IFS Parts Work Therapy).

The work was neither quick nor easy, but Ina felt empowered by it and she felt she could assert herself if it ever happened again (see my article: How Can Trauma Therapy Help You With Unresolved Trauma?).

Ina also had a talk with her parents about what happened with Jack as well as the childhood incidents with Don. Her parents expressed shock about Jack and remorse, regret for not believing her when she was a child as well as regret for not realizing that Jack was capable of sexual assault.

Over time, Ina and her parents gradually worked to repair their relationship.

Tips That Might Be Helpful:

Every situation will be different but, in general, the following tips might be helpful depending upon your particular situation:

• Establish Distance: If someone is touching you inappropriately, move away from the person immediately. If you are in a crowded place, like a subway, try to create a physical barrier with the other person by using a bag or another person. 

Speaking Up

• Speak Up in a Loud Tone: Silence often encourages harassers. Use a firm, loud voice to say things like, "Stop touching me!" or "Don't touch me!" This draws attention to the incident and can shame the person into stopping.

• Be Direct and Firm: Avoid being polite if you feel unsafe. Use clear commands like, "Remove your hand immediately!" or "I don't know you. Get away from me!"

• Seek Help From Others: If you are in a public place, alert others by saying, "This man is touching me without my permission." You can also ask for help from a specific person, like a subway conductor, police officer or, if you are outside, from a shopkeeper.

• Report the Incident: If the incident occurs at work, report the incident to the HR department. Document the time, date and details of what happened. There are also laws from the NYC Human Rights Department and City, State or Federal EEOC that are designed to protect you.

• Reconsider a Relationship If Your Partner Doesn't Respect Your Boundaries: Healthy relationships require respect for personal boundaries. If your partner doesn't respect your "no", it's a troubling sign and a reason to seek support or to end the relationship.

• Recognize That Prior Trauma Might Cause You to Freeze, So Get Help in Trauma Therapy: As in the example above, prior unresolved trauma can create a freeze response so don't be hard on yourself. Get help in trauma therapy so you can process unresolved trauma. 

Conclusion

Problems with speaking up when someone is touching them is mostly a problem for women due to the reasons mentioned above.

Worldwide approximately 30% of women are subjected to sexual assault and this number might under estimate the problem.

Men Are Also Subject to Inappropriate Touch

According to the latest statistics, approximately 3% of men are subjected to sexual assaulted, so this is not exclusively a problem for women.

If you have been sexually assaulted, you are not alone. 

You can contact the National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-HOPE (4673).

Get Help in Therapy

Being touched inappropriately in any situation is a violation of your personal boundary.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you are struggling with issues related to being inappropriately touched in the past or in your current life, you can benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), AEDP, Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.