What Are the Unspoken Expectations Between Some Mothers and Adult Daughters?

The relationship between some mothers and daughters can be complex (see the links for previous articles on mothers and daughters at the end of this article).

Expectatons Between Mothers and Adult Daughters

What Are the Unspoken Expectations Between Some Mothers and Adult Daughters?

Unspoken expectations between mothers and adult daughters are silent "rules" that create deep emotional friction when one or both them think these rules have been broken.

Here are some of the most common unspoken expectations that dictate many mother-daughter relationships:

The Expectation of a Shared Identity

• The Emotional Mirror: While many mothers expect their adult daughters to mirror their core values, life choices and morals, many adult daughters expect their mothers to validate every feeling they have.

• The Mind-Reading Rule: Many mothers and adult daughters assume that just because they share a genetic and historical bond, they should automatically know what the other needs without explicit communication.

Expectations Between Mothers and Adult Daughters

• The "Am I You?" Trap: Some mothers expect their adult daughters to live out the dreams the mothers never achieved. They might view a different path as being a personal rejection.

The Obligation of Availability

• The Priority Shift: Many mothers expect that they will continue to be their adult daughter's main confidante. This can lead to resentment for the daughter's partner, spouse and friends who become the daughter's emotional support.

• The Caregiver Default: There is often an unspoken assumption that the mother will be the babysitter for the adult daughter's children. This can cause resentment if the mother has other ways she might want to spend her time. Conversely, a mother might assume she will take care of the daughter's children and become hurt and disappointed when the daughter chooses to hire a nanny instead. In addition, there might be an unspoken assumption by the mother that her daughter will be her physical caretaker as the mother ages. This can cause the mother to feel resentful if the daughter either can't or won't take care of her and the daughter might feel guilty--even if she knows she can't do it.

• The Open Door Policy: There might be an unspoken expectation by both mothers and adult daughters that boundaries don't apply between them so that there can be visits without calling ahead to see if it's convenient.

The Burden of Perfection

• The Flawless History: Adult daughters often expect their mothers to be completely healed, rational and "perfect". They might forget that their mothers can be flawed individuals with their own history of unresolved trauma. Mothers, in turn, might expect that their adult daughter's childhood history became automatically healed because the trauma occurred when the daughter was a child. They think "it happened a long time ago" so their daughter shouldn't still be affected by the trauma.

• The Unconditional Approval: Adult daughters might silently expected unconditional approval for their lifestyle, career or parenting choices. At the same time, mothers might expected their advice to be accepted without question.

Expectations Between Mothers and Adult Daughters

• The Legacy Preservation: Mothers might expect adult daughters to maintain specific family traditions, holidays and ways of communicating exactly as they had been when their daughter was growing up. When a daughter makes decisions about what she wants, which might be different from what the mother wants, the mother might feel sad and resentful. In addition, adult daughters might expect that their mothers will always remain the same and they might become disappointed if mothers want to make changes.

How Can Mothers and Adult Daughters Break These Patterns?

Breaking unspoken expectations requires shifting from an automatic emotional reaction to intentional communication.

This process involves shifting from a mother-child interaction to an adult-to-adult relationship.

Here are some guidelines that might be helpful in making this shift:

Identify the "Trigger and Trend"

Before speaking to each other, identify the patterns between you to understand exactly what is happening:

• Name the Unspoken Rule: Pinpoint the exact expectation (e.g., "Mother expects me to call her every day at the same time and, if I don't, she thinks there's something wrong between us).

Expectations Between Mothers and Adult Daughters

• Notice Your Physical Reaction: Pay attention to when you feel guilty, angry or resentful and notice the physical sensation in your body. Physical reactions about these types of issues often indicate a boundary violation.

• Separate Love From Compliance: Remind yourself that disagreeing with a choice or setting a boundary with a family member doesn't mean you love them less.

Transition From Unspoken to Spoken

Bring the hidden expectations into the light using neutral, non-accusatory language.

• Use "I" Statements: Focus on your experience rather than blaming the other person's behavior.

• Call Out the Silent Expectation Gently: Instead of blaming and accusing, you can make an observation. For instance, you could say something like, "I've noticed that when I don't call you every day, you think there's something wrong between us."

• Acknowledge the Good Intention: Validate the love behind the behavior before shifting it. For instance, if your mother gives unsolicited parental advice which you don't agree with, you can say something like, "I know you're offering this advice because you love the kids, but I need to figure this out myself."

Establish Clear Behavioral Boundaries

Replace the unspoken rules with a clear, predictable boundary so both of you know what to expect.

• Define Communication Patterns: Instead of waiting for a stressful, angry call from the other person, set a predictable pattern: "Let's get caught up with each other with a phone call every Wednesday night" (or however you want to structure it).

• Set Topic Boundaries: Decide what is "off limits" if certain topics create conflict. For example, you can say something like, "I love you, but I'm not willing to talk to you about my finances."

• Keep the Boundaries: Old habits are often hard to change. If the "off limits" topic comes up, politely remind the other person about the agreement. For instance, you can say, "We agreed not to talk about this" and if the other person persists, you can say, "I'm going ot hang up now. We can talk next Wednesday."

Practice De-Enmeshment (Differentiation)

De-enmeshment is a psychological process of accepting that you are two separate individuals with different minds, feelings, values and lives (see my article: Enmeshed Families).

• Allow Them to Be Disappointed: You cannot control their emotional reaction to your boundary setting. Allow them to sit with their discomfort without trying to 'fix" it.

• Let Go of the Need For Approval: Stop asking for validation for choices you have already made. If you decide to tell them about your decisions, state these decisions as facts rather than a proposal for their approval.

• View Them as a Peer: Remind yourself that your mother is a flawed human being (just as we all are) and that she had a life before you. If you're a mother, remind yourself that your daughter is a grown adult who. must make her own decisions and deal with any mistakes.

Shift From Reacting to Responding

When old patterns come up, pause before you fall back on old patterns.

• Take a Time-Out: Do not respond immediately to an angry text or phone call. Wait 20 minutes to cool down and respond instead of reacting (see my article: Responding Instead of Reacting).

• Use Deflection: Keep a few phrases handy for when boundaries are pushed. This might involve saying something like, "That's an interesting perspective" or "We just see things differently and that's okay."

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette is a composite of many different cases:

Janet and Ann

When Janet brought home her boyfriend, Tom, to meet her mother, Ann, Janet could tell immediately that Ann didn't approve of him.

Ann raised Janet in a strict Christian home and she expected that Janet would maintain the same religious traditions. When Janet was in her early 20s, she let her mother know that she no longer believed in these strict traditions and religion was no longer important to her.  Although Ann was very disappointed, she thought that she could convince Janet to change her mind. 

Problems Between Mothers and Adult Daughters

When Ann asked Tom about his religion, initially, he was surprised by this intrusive question, but he maintained his composure and told her that he didn't follow any religion. This disturbed Ann, who later told Janet that she believed Tom was "influencing her in the wrong direction."

Janet bristled at this comment and reminded her mother that she had made up her mind about religion long before she met Tom and she didn't want Janet to blame him.

After a few heated arguments, Janet told her mother that she loved her, but this was a topic that was "off limits" between them.

Janet had always struggled to set limits with her mother without feeling guilty. She knew she and her mother were enmeshed and she began therapy to work on this.

Gradually, Janet learned to maintain boundaries that she set with her mother. It wasn't easy at first because she felt guilty about it. But after a while, she felt more entitled to be her own person and to remind her mother that they were two different individuals.

Initially, Ann struggled with Janet's boundary setting. She felt she knew what was best for her adult daughter and she wanted to spare Janet from making mistakes she would regret. But, over time, she realized that if she wanted to maintain a healthy relationship with her daughter, she needed to respect her daughter's boundaries.

Conclusion

The vignette in this article is about how a mother has problems with her adult daughter's boundaries but, as I mentioned earlier, the problem is just as likely to be an adult daughter who doesn't respect a mother's boundaries.

Although this article focuses on mother and daughters, there can be similar dynamics between mothers and sons, fathers and sons and fathers and daughters.

Get Help in Therapy

If you are having problems working out issues on your own, you could benefit from working together in mother-daughter therapy.

Get Help in Mother-Daughter Therapy

You might also need to work on issues individually either as a preliminary step before you participate in mother-daughter or even if you never attend this therapy with your relative.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional so you can free yourself from old habitual patterns and you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, IFS/Parts Work Therapist, Somatic Experiencing, EFT Couples Therapist and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individuals, couples and mothers and daughters over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

I offer a free 10-15 minute phone call before setting up an appointment either in person or online.

You can reach me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

Ambivalence and Codependence Between Mothers and Adult Daughters

Mother-Daughter Relationships: Early Bonding 

Life Stages in Mother-Daughter Relationships 

Healing Adult Mother-Daughter Relationships 

 

Can You Heal From Your Trauma Without Psychotherapy? Part 2

In my last article,  Can You Heal From Your Trauma Without Psychotherapy - Part 1, I began with a very qualified "yes" to this question.

Healing From Trauma

Part 1 of this topic focused on the barriers to finding a therapist which often forces people who want therapy to deal with their trauma on their own. 

In the current article, I'll discuss the types of self-help interventions you can use on your own to heal from trauma and some of the challenges involved in trying to heal certain types of trauma on your own.

Generally speaking, you can try to heal on your own with one-time traumatic events that are mildly disturbing--although what is mildly disturbing to one person is severely disturbing to someone else. As a result, you have to know yourself well without being in denial about how you're affected by your unresolved trauma.

Healing From Trauma on Your Own Without Psychotherapy

Under certain circumstances, which I'll discuss in this article, individuals do heal from trauma on their own without psychotherapy.

Healing From Trauma

Many individuals who have a natural resilience, a strong support network and self-directed coping strategies have healed on their own from mildly disturbing traumatic events.

I'll discuss the limitations and risks in the next section of this article.

With the exception of complex trauma, chronic trauma, depression, panic attacks, severe flashbacks, substance abuse or debilitating anxiety and other related conditions, many individuals can heal from trauma without therapy.

Another exception is if a one-time traumatic event occurs and you have a history of complex trauma. Under these circumstances, the one-time event can exacerbate long-standing complex trauma, so it's not advisable to try heal on your own. You need professional help.

Whether or not you can heal from trauma on your own depends on certain personal factors including (but not limited to):

• The severity of your trauma
• The duration of your trauma
• The frequency of your trauma
• Your internal resources and coping skills
• Your personal access to a safe environment

It's not unusual for individuals who experience trauma to underestimate the severity, duration and frequency of their trauma, so you have to be objectively honest with yourself.

In addition, if someone is accustomed to living in an unsafe environment, they might have a blind spot about their current circumstances because it's familiar and seems "normal" to them. So, once again, you need to be objectively honest with yourself, which can be challenging.

When Is It Possible to Heal Independently?

Since trauma affects the brain's survival wiring and nervous system, the possibility of healing independently requires a combination of emotional, mental and physical strategies:

• Somatic and Nervous System Regulation: Trauma traps the body in a continuous state of fight, flight or freeze. Individuals who have unresolved trauma often benefit from physical practices like trauma-informed yoga, breathwork and rhythmic movement to signal to their nervous system that they are safe now. 

Healing From Trauma

• Structured Self Reflection: Tools such as expressive writing or structured journaling allow individuals with trauma to safely externalize their overwhelming feelings, identify trauma triggers and track behavior problems without immediate judgment. 

• Relational Safety: Healing from trauma rarely, if ever, occurs in isolation. Building trusted relationships with safe friends, family members or peer support groups help build a sense of shared belonging and mutual trust.

• Psychoeducation: Reading evidence-basesd literature on trauma recovery can empower individuals to understand their emotional flashbacks and dismantle self-blame objectively. Although developing insight into your trauma isn't the same as working through it, psychoeducation is a good first step.

What Are the Risks and Limitations to Healing Independently?

While self healing is possible, trying to navigate healing from trauma entirely on your own has distinct challenges that should be carefully considered:

• Risk of Retraumatization: This is a very important consideration. The unchecked excavation of deeply repressed, distressing traumatic memories without professional stabilization from a mental health professional can inadvertently reinforce neural pathways of fear, anxiety, panic and amplification of panic and anxiety. 

• Blind Spots: An individual's psychological defense mechanisms, including dissociation and emotional numbing, can hide underlying trauma responses. This makes identifying a trauma response very difficult to identify and resolve on your own.

• Symptom Severity: Self-directed methods to healing trauma are generally more effective for localized, single-event trauma (e.g., a one-time argument with a loved one when the relationship is normally healthy, a close call with a car accident where the accident never occurred and other similar one-time events). Complex trauma, chronic trauma, persistent panic attacks, severe flashbacks, substance abuse and depression are among the conditions that shouldn't be handled independently. Under those circumstances, a qualified mental health professional is required.

• Avoid Reliving Instead of Revisiting the Trauma: Retelling your trauma, whether you do it on your own or you talk with a therapist who isn't a qualified trauma therapist, will be retraumatizing instead of healing.

Healing From Complex Trauma

Complex trauma stems from chronic, repeated interpersonal violations such as childhood abuse and neglect and other similar conditions.

Complex trauma fundamentally alters your brain structure, your nervous system and relational trust.

Trauma therapy remains the gold standard for complex trauma.

Why is Self-Healing Not Advisable For Complex Trauma?

Here are some of the major reasons:

• The "Window of Tolerance" Danger: Healing complex trauma requires processing traumatic memories without tipping into panic or shutting down with dissociation. Without a trauma therapist to help you monitor your "window of tolerance", processing deep trauma on your own can lead to unintended retraumatization (see my article: Expanding Your Window of Tolerance to Overcome Emotional Problems).

• The Relational Wound: Complex trauma is usually caused by people. Since the hurt happened in a relationship, true rewiring of your attachment system and relational trust requires a safe, consistent relationship--the type of relationship you have with a skilled trauma therapist.

• Nervous System Hijacking: Trauma lives in the trauma-focused and emotional parts of the brain and body--not just in the logical part of your brain. It is extremely difficult (if not impossible) for you to talk yourself or think yourself out of an automatic biological panic without professional help.

When Self Help is Not Enough

Self-guided healing is more likely to work for mild symptoms and establishing baseline stability.

As previously mentioned, professional help is needed if you have complex trauma, panic attacks, depression, substance abuse problems, flashbacks, relationship problems, debilitating anxiety or other symptoms that affect your daily functioning.

Before You Try to Heal Your Trauma On Your Own, Consult a Professional: If you are considering whether or not to try to heal without therapy or you want to make sure you'll be safe on your own, have a consultation with a licensed mental health professional who is a trauma therapist. 

A skilled trauma therapist can assess whether you can safely try to heal on your own or if you need professional help.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

If you decide to pursue trauma therapy with a licensed mental health professional, you have various choices with regard to trauma therapy modalities:

The Top Down Approach to Trauma Therapy

The top down approach to trauma therapy includes cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) which challenges your distorted thoughts and beliefs related to your trauma. The problem with CBT, in my professional opinion, is that it usually leaves out the mind-body connection and it often doesn't go deep enough.

Trauma Therapy: Top Down and Bottom Up Approaches

The Bottom Up Approach to Trauma Therapy

I recommend the Bottom Up approach to trauma therapy, which are also known as Experiential Therapies (see my article: What is the Difference Between Top Down and Bottom Up Therapies?

Experiential Therapy tends to be more effective for processing trauma than traditional talk therapy like CBT (see my article: Why is Experiential Therapy More Effective Than Traditional Talk Therapy to Overcome Trauma?).

Experiential Therapies are mind-body oriented therapy that get to the root of the problem by focusing on the mind-body connection (see my article: Experiential Therapy and the Mind-Body Connection: The Body Offers a Window Into the Unconscious Mind).

Bottom up Experiential therapies include:

• Somatic Experiencing Therapy (SE)

• AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy)

• Somatic IFS Therapy (Somatic Internal Family Systems Therapy)

• EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing Therapy)

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, IFS/Parts Work Therapy, Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

I offer a free 10-15 phone call before I sent up a first appointment.

You can call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me to make an appointment.

Also See My Articles:

How Does Somatic Experiencing Process Emotions? 

Experiential Therapy, Like EMDR, Helps to Achieve Emotional Breakthroughs

Combining EMDR and IFS Somatic Parts Work Therapy 

How Does AEDP Heal Trauma? 

What is Somatic Resonance and Why Is It Healing?

Can You Heal From Your Trauma Without Psychotherapy? Part 1

Can you heal from your trauma without therapy? 

Can You Heal From Trauma Without Psychotherapy?

The answer is a qualified yes under certain circumstances.

Since this is a big topic, I'll get discuss some self-help techniques in Part 2 of this topic and the exceptions to healing from trauma on your own.

Barriers to Psychotherapy

First, I want to acknowledge that there can be significant barriers to therapy for many people.

It's understandable that these barriers are some of the reasons why people with unresolved trauma often want to try to heal on their own. 

These barriers include:

Financial and Logistical Barriers

• Shortage of Therapists: Many regions in the US, especially in rural areas, have a shortage of mental health professionals. You can do online therapy with a licensed therapist within your state so you don't have to go to the therapist's office in person, but there still aren't enough therapists for all the people who need therapy. Even if New York City, the demand for therapists is higher than the available therapists. This often means there are long waiting lists or, worse still, people can't access therapy at all.

• Finding An In-Network Therapist on Your Insurance Plan: Even if you have health care insurance, finding an in-network therapist can be difficult--even in New York City where there are hundreds of therapists. If you're trying to use your in-network health insurance, you might discover that the list of therapists from the insurance company is out of date. When I worked as an EAP counselor in New York and I tried to find in-network therapists for clients, I kept coming up against this problem. There were times when I discovered that psychotherapists and psychiatrists listed on the panel were dead for 10 years or more. So, you can't always rely on that information. Then, even if you do find a therapist who is in your network, they are often completely booked up. Another barrier is that, even if you get an appointment with an in-network therapist, they usually see 30-40 clients per week, so you're often getting a therapist who is overworked and underpaid by the insurance company. There is a high percentage of therapist burnout among psychotherapists who take insurance due to the high volume of clients they need to see to make a living and the administrative burdens the insurance company places on them.

• Finding An Out of Network Therapist: You're more likely to find an out of network therapist because highly trained, experienced therapists don't want to deal with the challenges of being an in-network therapist (low insurance reimbursement rates, a lot of paperwork, lengthy waits to get paid by the insurance company and intrusive insurance audits where the insurance company asks for private information about clients' treatment). The problem with a lot of out of network therapy is that it can be expensive and, if you don't have an out of network benefit or a health savings plan, the cost adds up, especially if the therapist doesn't offer reduced fees to qualified clients.

• Time and Schedule Constraints: Balancing therapy, which is usually once a week, can be difficult with work demands, child care issues or other responsibilities.

• Transportation Issues: New York City has a good public transportation system, but in many other areas there isn't reliable transportation to get to a therapist's office.

Cultural and Social Barriers

• Social Stigma: Although going to therapy has less of a stigma than it used to in the past, many people still see going to therapy as a "weakness". So, this stigma can keep many people out of therapy (see my article: Common Myths About Therapy: Going to Therapy Means You're "Weak")

Barriers to Psychotherapy

• Lack of Cultural Competence and Humility: There is a shortage of therapists who understand specific cultural backgrounds, racial realities, LGBTQ+ issues and other related cultural issues. Outside of major cities, like New York City, this can leave people in certain cultural groups feeling underrepresented and misunderstood. 

• Language Barriers: Individuals who speak a language other than English can have a hard time finding therapists who are capable of conducting a therapy session in their language, especially in smaller cities.

• An Emphasis on Self Reliance: As I mentioned in a prior article, certain cultures and generations place a strong emphasis on handling problems on your own. These individuals often view therapy as an unnecessary reliance on strangers.

Emotional and Psychological Barriers

• Fear of Vulnerability: Many people find it difficult to open up to talk about personal problems, unresolved trauma or suppressed emotions with a stranger. For these individuals talking to a therapist brings up anxiety.

Barriers to Psychotherapy 

• Denial About Problems: Many individuals are in denial about their problems or unresolved trauma. Despite the problems they are having in their current life, they convince themselves that their problems aren't serious enough to get help. They might even point to others they think have far worse problems (see my article: The Problem With Comparative Suffering).

• Distrust Due to Bad Experiences From the Past: If a person has had bad experiences within the health care system in the past, they might have difficulty seeking help with emotional issues.

• Fear Problems Will Get Worse in Therapy: Some people avoid therapy because they fear their problems will get worse in therapy. They fear that their unresolved buried trauma will cause them to lose control before they can work through their issues.

Next Article: Can You Heal Your Trauma Without Psychotherapy - Part 2

About Me 

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, IFS/Works Therapy, EFT for couples, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

I offer a 10-15 minute free telephone call before setting up a first appointment. 

To set up an appointment, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Asking Your Partner For Emotional Support

Many people in relationships have problems asking for their emotional needs to be met because it requires intense vulnerability and it also triggers deep fears of rejection, judgment or fear of abandonment.

Asking Your Partner For Emotional Support

In addition, our American culture treats emotional self reliance as a strength which causes many people to view their normal human needs as character flaws or signs of weakness.

Childhood Conditioning

Childhood conditioning can also play a role:

• Early Childhood Emotional Neglect: If someone's childhood emotional needs were minimized, ignored or punished, their nervous system learned that asking for their emotional needs to be met was emotionally and physically unsafe (see my article: What is Childhood Emotional Neglect?).

Childhood Emotional Neglect

• The "Easy" Child Trap: Many people learned as children that they had to earn love and approval by being low maintenance, quiet and overly accommodating and this belief often persists on an unconscious level in adulthood in their relationships.

• Hyper-Independence: Childhood emotional neglect often forces children to become overly self sufficient beyond their developmental capacity, but this is a pseudo-independence because it's a survival mechanism driven by fear and neglect rather than a natural, healthy stage of development. This builds thick emotional walls against relying on anyone else. This pattern continues into adulthood which makes it difficult to ask for emotional support in a relationship (see my article: Masking Vulnerability and Shame By Pretending You Don't Need Anyone).

Fears and Psychological Barriers

• Fear of Being a Burden: People frequently convince themselves that their feelings will overwhelm, stress out or inconvenience their partner. 

Fears and Psychological Barriers to Asking For Emotional Support

• Shame of Being "Needy": Internalized shame makes people worry they will be perceived by their partner as being too "needy", dramatic, high maintenance or emotionally unstable. They have learned from early childhood, often on an unconscious level, that their normal emotional needs were "too much". This often occurs because their parents were overburdened with just trying to survive. For example, the parents  might have been working two or more jobs just to be able to meet basic needs. In many cases, the parents also didn't have their own emotional needs met and this emotional neglect is part of a long line of intergenerational trauma (see my article: What is Intergenerational Trauma?.).

• The Mind Reading Myth: Many individuals have an unspoken belief that if their partner really loved them, they would automatically know what they need without being asked (see my article: Are You Expecting Your Partner to Be a Mind Reader?).

• Emotional Disconnection: Decades of suppressing feelings can leave someone fuzzy or completely unaware of their own emotional needs.

Relationship Dynamics

• Fear of Rocking the Boat: When a relationship is going relatively well, individuals might remain silent about their unmet emotional needs to protect the harmony in their relationship and avoid conflict.

• Past Experiences of a Partner Weaponing Vulnerability: Some people avoid asking for what they need emotionally because their emotional needs and vulnerabilities in prior relationships were used against them as leverage or ammunition during arguments.

What Are Practical Strategies For Asking For What You Need From Your Partner?

Focus on Your Internal State

• Identify Your Feelings: Pinpoint your emotional need (loneliness, feeling invisible, feeling overwhelmed) before speaking to your partner.

Locate Physical Sensations Related to Emotions

• Locate the Physical Sensation: Notice where the tension is located in your body to help you to connect with what you need. 

• Name the Core Deficit: Figure out if you need reassurance, physical touch, focused attention or validation (see my article: What is Emotional Validation and Why is It Such a Powerful Skill in Relationships?).

• Learn to Separate the Past From the Present: Acknowledge whether your current emotional reaction is being driven by old unresolved childhood wounds or prior relationship experiences (see my article: Learning to Separate Past Experiences From Your Current Experience).

Use Specific Communication Techniques

• Lead With Vulnerability: Use "I feel" statements rather than "You make me feel..." statements.

Asking Your Partner For Emotional Support

• Say the Hard Truth: If you feel afraid to express your needs, start with a phrase like, "It's really scary for me to admit this, but..."

• Describe Your Internal State: Feel into your internal state and become aware if you're telling yourself a story that might not be true. For instance, recognize if you're telling yourself something like "He's bored with me" or "He doesn't love me anymore" when this isn't true. Then, tell your partner, "I'm telling myself that you're bored with me" (or whatever you're feeling) and allow your partner to respond.

• Make Requests That Are Actionable: Ask for specific behaviors instead of vague concepts. For example, instead of saying "I need you show you care more", say "I need you to hold my hand while I'm talking to you about my feelings."

Asking Your Partner For Emotional Support

• Ask For a Specific Time: Ask your partner something like, "Can we find 20 minutes tonight to talk about something that has been weighing on me?" If it's not the right time, schedule another time that works for both of you. If you have children, choose a time when you won't be interrupted.

• Remove All Digital Distractions: Turn off and put away phones, turn off the TV, put away the computer and other distractions and sit face-to-face before diving into your discussion.

• Reassure Your Partner in Advance: If they haven't done anything that is making you unhappy, reassure them that they're not in trouble--you just need to share your feelings.

• Keep the Conversation to a Manageable Length: Focus on a specific emotional needs rather than listing months or years of unmet emotional needs (see my article: How to Stop "Kitchen Sinking" Your Partner).

Responding to Your Partner's Reaction

• Appreciate Your Partner's Willingness to Listen and Communicate: Thank your partner for listening--even if the conversation is awkward and uncomfortable. Recognize that your partner is experiencing their own emotional vulnerability by just listening.

Express Appreciation to Your Partner

• Validate Your Partner's Perspective: Acknowledge your partner's response. For instance, if your partner is opening up to hearing your unmet needs and you recognize that your partner is tired, acknowledge this to them by saying something like, "I realize you're tired and I appreciate that you're hearing me out."

• Allow Room For Pauses: Give your partner time to emotionally process what you are saying without rushing in to fill in the silence.

• Schedule a Future Check In: Propose circling back in a few days to see how the new approach to communicating your needs is working for you and for your partner.

Get Help in Couples Therapy

Communicating your emotional needs to your partner can be challenging especially if you never learned to do it before.

Get Help in Couples Therapy

A skilled couples therapist who is a licensed mental health professional can help you to learn to express your emotional needs and work out problems in your relationship.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from an experienced couples therapist so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, IFS, Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

Before setting up an appointment, I provide a free 10-15 minute telephone call.

You can call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What is Somatic Resonance in Therapy and How Is It Healing?

In everyday encounters, somatic resonance occurs when two or more people connect with each other and influence each other on a nonverbal, physical and nervous system level.

Somatic resonance is often called "body to body" dialog. It occurs when your body unconsciously mirrors, tracks or synchronizes with the physiological states of another person. 

Somatic Resonance in Psychotherapy

The physiological state includes heart rate, breathing and muscle tension.

How Does Somatic Resonance Work in Everyday Experiences?

Somatic resonance relies heavily on the nervous system's capacity for interpersonal co-regulation.  This includes:

• Biological Entrainment: When people are in close contact, their heart rates and respiration patterns align.

• Mirror Neurons: Brain networks translate the observed movements and emotions of others into internal physical sensations within your own body.

• Micro-Movements: The body picks up on subtle shifts in posture, vocal tone and facial expressions beneath conscious awareness.

What Are Common Everyday Examples of Somatic Resonance?

You have probably experienced somatic resonance in your everyday life without even being aware of it including experiences like:

• "Truth Chills": Feeling a wave of goosebumps, warmth or tears when someone else shares a deeply vulnerable story 

• Absorbing Stress: Walking into a room and immediately feeling your stomach knot or chest tighten when someone else is anxious

• Contagious Calm: Feeling your heart naturally slow down just by being around a calm, grounded person

What is Somatic Resonance in Therapy and How Is It Healing?

Somatic resonance in therapy is the therapist's ability to use her own physical body and nervous system as a diagnostic and healing tool.

Rather than just listening to words, the therapist tracks her own internal physical sensations to understand the client's unconscious, unspoken emotional states:

• Somatic Attunement: The therapist attunes to her own bodily responses as a way to understand the client's unexpressed emotions and unspoken trauma.

Somatic Resonance in Psychotherapy

• Implicit Communication: Client and therapist communicate through non-verbal cues like micro-expressions, posture shifts, vocal prosody (tone of voice, melody of the voice and vocal inflection). 

• Nervous System Co-regulation: The therapist maintains a grounded, regulated autonomic nervous system which acts as a biological anchor to help the client's dysregulated nervous system safely return to a calm state.

What Are Typical Examples of Somatic Resonance in Therapy?

Somatic resonance manifests through immediate physical tracking during a therapy session which might include:

• Uncovering Hidden Anger: A client speaks with a calm, pleasant voice, but the therapist suddenly feels tightness in her throat or stomach which signals the client's suppressed rage. While the therapist is sensing this, she checks first to ensure that these sensations are not related to anything that might be going on due to her own issues.

• Identifying Dissociation: The therapist suddenly feels an overwhelming fogginess, drowsiness or a sense of "spacing out". After she has checked in with herself internally and she determines that these feelings are not due to something that is going on for her personally, she becomes aware that this is the client's defense mechanisms against painful feelings (see my article: What is Trauma-Related Dissociation?).

• Gauging Grief: The therapist feels an unexpected ache in her chest or a sudden urge to cry just as the client touches upon a seemingly minor memory. Once she has checked in with herself and she has determined that these feelings are not related to anything that is going on personally within herself, the therapist becomes aware that these feelings are due to the client's unacknowledged grief (see my article: The Many Layers of Grief).

What Are the Benefits of Somatic Resonance in Mind-Body Oriented Therapy?

When a mind-body oriented psychotherapist is trained to use somatic resonance, it provides unique therapeutic benefits that traditional cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) cannot provide. 

Working with somatic resonance shifts the therapy from a conversation about the past to a live in the moment experience. It provides a live physiological transformation in the here-and-now.

The healing benefits include:

• Correcting the Client's "Invisible" Somatic Narrative: Clients often enter therapy with stories that contradict their physiology. For instance, a client might talk calmly about a traumatic event without much, if any, emotion, but the therapist might respond with a sudden spike in adrenaline or chest tightness. This resonance alerts the therapist to hidden, unintegrated trauma. This allows the therapist to address the client's unspoken experience instead of just relating to the client's words. 

Somatic Resonance in Psychotherapy

• Accelerating Physiological Co-Regulation: Traumatized clients often lose their ability to self soothe. They can remain stuck in chronic states of fight, flight or freeze. Using somatic resonance, the therapist's stable, regulated nervous system acts as a biological pacemaker. Sitting with an emotionally regulated, anchored therapist allows the client to safely down-regulate using the therapist's calm state.

• Resolving Transference and Countertransference Safely: In traditional psychotherapy countertransference (the therapist's emotional reaction to the client) can cloud judgment. Somatic resonance transforms these reactions. By tracking her own physical sensations, the therapist can differentiate between her own experiences and the client's unspoken experiences. This prevents clinical blind spots.

• Allowing Survival Energy to Discharge Safely: Trauma survivors often fear their own internal sensations. This often leads to emotional numbing. However, when a therapist uses somatic resonance, she can pace the therapy session by micro-tracking the client's physical activation. This precise pacing ensures that the client can touch upon traumatic memories and safely discharge trapped survival energy without becoming overwhelmed or retraumatized.

• Re-establishing a Body-Based Sense of Safety: Healing from trauma requires that the body know that the danger is over. Since somatic resonance operates below the level of thought, the felt experience of feeling deeply met, mirrored and kept safe by the therapist updates the client's threat detection center (the brain's amygdala). This helps to rewire the client's baseline so they can feel genuinely safe again.

Which Mind-Body Oriented Therapy Modalities Use Somatic Resonance?

Somatic resonance is a basic part of several mind-body oriented therapies including:

• Somatic Experiencing

• Somatic IFS (Internal Family Systems Therapy)

• AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy)

About Me

I am a licensed psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, IFS (Parts Work), EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.