What is Socios£xuality?

What is Sociosexuality?

Sociosexuality is the willingness to engage in sexual activity outside a committed relationship.  Sociosexuality is also known as sociosexual orientation.

Understanding Sociosexuality

Sociosexuality involves behaviors and attitudes related to:

• Actual and preferred frequency of sex
• Number of desired partners
• Whether or not there are extramarital affairs
• Engaging in sex outside a committed relationship
• How likely a person is to engage in sexual fantasies about people outside their current relationship

What is the Difference Between Restricted vs Unrestricted Sociosexuality?

Although sociosexuality is usually presented as being either restricted or unrestricted, in actuality, sociosexuality is probably on a continuum just like sexual orientation, gender and relationship styles are on a continuum.

Understanding Sociosexuality

Here are the definitions of restricted and unrestricted sociosexuality:

Restricted Sociosexuality

• Usually unwilling to engage in casual sex outside a committed relationship
• Prefer to engage in sex where there is love, emotional connection and commitment
• Usually not interested in a diversity of partners because they prefer to focus on one person
• Prefer less sexual variety
• Tend to seek relationship stability
• Tend to get involved in long term relationships
• Tend to be less comfortable picking up strangers or being picked up by strangers
• Generally, less likely to cheat
• Lesbians and heterosexual women tend to be more restrictive than bisexual women (based on research)

Unrestricted Sociosexuality

• Usually more willing to engage in casual sex outside a committed relationship
• Able to engage in sex where there is no love, emotional connection or commitment
• Desire a diversity of sexual partners as opposed to focusing on one partner
• Desire more sexual variety
• Tend not to be as concerned, in general, about being in a stable relationship
• Tend to get involved in shorter term relationships with less commitment and emotional connection
• Tend to feel comfortable picking up strangers and being picked up by strangers
• Generally, more likely to cheat
• Bisexual women tend to be less restrictive as compared to heterosexual and lesbian women (based on sex research)

Why Is It Important to Understand Your Sociosexuality?

Understanding your own sociosexuality helps you to understand yourself in terms of what you want from dating, relationships and sex.  It helps to put your preferences in context of what is known about sociosexuality.

Understanding Sociosexuality

Understanding other people's sociosexuality helps you to determine whether or not you and they are compatible.

What Are the Implications of Sociosexuality with Regard to Dating and Relationships?

Sex researchers have determined that people who tend to use picture based dating apps tend to have unrestricted or less restrictive sociosexuality.

Understanding Sociosexuality

People with restricted sociosexuality tend to express less satisfaction with picture based dating apps because these people are focused on more than just looks.

Knowing whether you and a prospective partner are compatible with regard to sociosexuality is more likely to contribute to relationship and sexual satisfaction for both of you.

More sex research is needed to explore sociosexuality on a spectrum rather than categorizing it as either restricted or unrestricted.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

The Mind-Body Connection: Overcoming the Defense Mechanism of Denial With Experiential Therapy

In my prior article, The Mind-Body Connection: The Body Reacts When the Mind Gets Stuck in Denial, I discussed the defense mechanism of denial and how denial impacts people psychologically as well as physically due to the mind-body connection.

Overcoming the Defense Mechanism of Denial

In this article I'm focusing on how Experiential Therapy can help clients who use denial as a maladaptive coping mechanism  (see my article: Why Experiential Therapy is More Effective Than Regular Talk Therapy).

Denial as an Unconscious Process

For many people using denial is an unconscious process. 

People who use denial unconsciously often have little or no awareness that they are using denial to avoid emotional pain--until there are consequences as a result of the denial and avoidance.

The consequences might be a worsening of their emotional problems and/or health.

People who have more awareness about their use of denial often realize they need help, but their fear of dealing with their problems keeps them from fully acknowledging their problem so they don't seek help.

Overcoming the Defense Mechanism of Denial

What You Can Do on Your Own

• Recognize and Acknowledge the Problem: This is the first step in overcoming denial. If you recognize you engage in a pattern of denial and avoidance, you can start to make changes. Some of the signs that you use denial as a defense mechanism include:

• Getting defensive
• Avoiding thinking about a problem
• Avoiding taking action to resolve a problem

• Slow Down: You're more likely to use denial as a way to avoid a problem when you react quickly, so taking the time to slow down can help you to self reflect on how your behavior (or lack of behavior) is affecting a problem you're avoiding.

Practice Mindfulness

• Practice Mindfulness: Along with slowing down, practicing mindfulness can help you to stay calm and grounded so you can deal with stress and your own habit of denial and avoidance.

• Develop Self Awareness: Self reflection can help you to be more self aware recognize how you might be self sabotaging.

Writing in a Journal Develop Self Awareness

• Write in a Journal: Writing about your problems in an open way can help you to observe and reflect on your thoughts, emotions and behavior (see my article:  Writing Can Help You Reflect on Your Thoughts, Emotions and Behavior).

Asking For Emotional Support

• Ask for Emotional Support: Ask trusted family and friends for emotional support. Be open to their feedback and suggestions without getting defensive (see my article: Overcoming Your Discomfort With Asking For Emotional Support).

How Experiential Psychotherapy Can Help to Overcome a Pattern of Using Denial

Experiential Therapy is different than regular talk therapy (see my article: Experiential Therapy Offers a Window Into the Unconscious Mind).

Experiential Therapy can help you:

• Develop Self Awareness: Experiential Therapy can help you to develop better self awareness about unconscious defense mechanisms you might be using, including denial, using mind-body oriented interventions (see my article: Making the Unconscious Conscious).

• Develop Greater Self Reflective Capacity: Experiential Therapy can help you to develop or improve your self reflective capacity so that you can think about their thoughts, emotions and behaviors, including unconscious motivations. Becoming aware of unconscious motivations and using self reflection can help you to think before you act so they can make better choices (see my article: The Unconscious Mind: The Symptom Contains the Solution).

Gaining Insight in Therapy

• Gain Insight: Experiential Therapy can help you to gain insight into your thoughts, emotions and behaviors.

• Provide Clinical Feedback: Experiential Therapists can provide you with clinical feedback to help them understand your patterns and how you make decisions so you can grow and change.

• Overcome Emotional Blocks: Experiential Therapists are aware that you might have difficulty making the changes you want to make because you might have emotional blocks that need to be identified. Once emotional blocks have been discovered, Experiential Therapists can help you to work through and overcome the blocks. This is often challenging and requires a commitment to let go of dynamics that are holding you back (see my article: Overcoming Emotional Blocks).

• Facilitate Transformational Experiences in Therapy: Experiential Therapists can help facilitate transformational changes.

Get Help in Therapy

Since defense mechanisms, like denial, are often unconscious, it can be difficult to overcome emotional blocks to change on your own.

Getting Help in Experiential Therapy

If you have been unable to resolve your problems on your own, you could benefit from seeking help from an Experiential Therapist who can help you to overcome maladaptive coping strategies, like denial and avoidance.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has the expertise to help you lead to lead a more meaningful and fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am an Experiential Therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to overcome obstacles to their growth.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

The Mind-Body Connection: The Body Reacts When the Mind Gets Stuck in Denial

I'm focusing on the mind-body connection when the mind gets stuck in denial and how denial can affect the body.

What is Denial?

Denial is a defense mechanism (see my article: Understanding Defense Mechanisms).

The Body Reacts When the Mind Gets Stuck in Denial

People use denial as a form of self protection against accepting something that would be too painful for them to admit to themselves.  

Signs of Denial

Some common signs include:

• Refusing to talk about the problem
• Finding ways to justify denial
• Blaming others or outside forces for the problem
• Persisting in behavior despite negative consequences
• Promising to address the problem in the future, but it doesn't get addressed
• Avoiding thinking about the problem

Short Term Denial vs Ongoing Denial

Short term denial can be helpful and adaptive under certain circumstances. 

However, ongoing denial, which happens the mind gets stuck in denial, is often self destructive and destructive to others.

Ongoing denial is a maladaptive use of this defense mechanism. 

Short Term Denial Can Be Helpful Under Certain Circumstances

Sometimes short term denial can be adaptive because it gives people a chance 

to get ready to face a situation they're not ready to face in the moment.

An Example of Short Term Denial Being Helpful

    Mario and Judy

When the doctor told Mario and his older sister, Judy, that their mother's cancer was terminal and that any more chemotherapy would only hasten her demise, they were shocked and they refused to believe it at first.  However, after the initial shock wore off, they talked to their mother's doctor about next steps. After their talk, they were ready to accept that their mother would be much more comfortable in hospice care where she would be made comfortable until she passed away. Three days after being in hospice, their mother passed away peacefully in and, although they grieved the loss, they knew they made the best decision for her.  In this example, Mario and Judy weren't ready, at first, to accept the news that nothing more could be done to eradicate the cancer. Their short term denial gave them a chance to process and accept the news, as hard as it was, and prepare themselves for the worst. At that point, they were able to make the decision to have the medical staff transfer their mother into hospice care so she would be made comfortable. After her death, even though they were very sad and they grieved, they knew they made the right decision in accepting the futility of further cancer treatment and hospice was the best possible option under the circumstances.

 An Example of How Ongoing Denial Can Affect the Body

    Nina

Mario and Judy's younger sister, Nina, had a very different experience. After their mother died, Mario and Judy grieved their mother's death and eventually they made peace with her passing. But Nina wasn't able to accept her mother's terminal cancer diagnosis. She was in complete denial. She argued with the oncologist and the nurses on the cancer ward.  She also opposed putting the mother in hospice and argued with her siblings. She kept insisting that more chemotherapy would help, but Judy was on the mother's health proxy and she had power of attorney, so Nina couldn't stop her siblings' decisions. 

After her mother died, Nina contacted several malpractice attorneys. She channeled all her denial and anger about the mother's death into bringing a malpractice suit against the medical staff that treated her mother. But, after reviewing the medical records, every lawyer she contacted told her that she didn't have a case.  No one in the family was able to help Nina to accept that everything that could have been done was done. 

After several months, Nina's denial took a toll on her health. She developed insomnia, frequent headaches and high blood pressure. Her primary care physical advised her that she needed to accept and mourn the loss of her mother. But she wouldn't accept her mother's death and her health continued to deteriorate until she was hospitalized.  

It wasn't until the hospital sent a clinical social worker who was on staff to speak with Nina about the impact her denial was having on her health that she began to take her first tentative steps to overcome her denial. Part of her hospital discharge plan was to see a psychotherapist to deal with her denial and release the grief that was bottled up inside her.

How the Body Reacts When the Mind Gets Stuck in Denial

In Dr. Bessel van der Kolk's excellent book, The Body Keeps the Score, he discusses the connection between the mind and the body.

The Body Reacts When the Mind Gets Stuck in Denial

Ongoing denial occurs when a person refuses to accept something that is too painful for them.  Even though their mind might reject whatever they cannot accept, their body can react.

When someone gets stuck in denial, they use a lot of mental energy to maintain this defense mechanism. This causes stress and muscle tension. 

Over time, stress hormones can take their toll on the body. 

The person who is in denial might not make the connection between their denial and the consequences to their body.

  Other Examples of Denial

• Someone denies they have an alcohol or drug problem because they're still able to function on a day-to-day basis.

In Denial About Substance Abuse Problems

• Someone hurts their partner's feelings, but instead of accepting this, they blame their partner for their hurtful behavior.

Blaming a Partner For One's Own Behavior

• Someone who is having an emotional problem refuses to accept it or get help, so it gets worse over time both emotionally and physically.

Getting Help in Therapy

Before denial takes its toll on your mind and body, seek help from a licensed mental health professional.

Getting Help in Therapy

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to identify your particular pattern of denial and other defense mechanisms you might be using to avoid dealing with your problems.

Rather than allowing your problems to get worse, seek professional help so you can lead a healthier and more fulfilling life.

See My Other Related Articles

The Mind-Body Connection: Responding Instead of Reacting to Stress

The Mind-Body Connection: What is Somatic Awareness?

Clinical Hypnosis and the Mind-Body Connection

The Mind-Body Connection: The Body Offers a Window Into the Unconscious Mind

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Overcoming Codependency in a Relationship

Overcoming codependent behavior in your relationship can be challenging, but there are steps you can take to help with the process.

Overcoming Codependency in a Relationship

What is Codependency in a Relationship?

Let's start by defining codependency.

Codependency in a relationship means consistently prioritizing your partner's wants and needs over your own.

Someone who is in a codependent relationship often bases their moods on how their partner is feeling and behaving instead of being aware of how they feel as a separate person from their partner.

Overcoming Codependency in a Relationship

A pattern of codependent behavior can lead to:

• Disconnecting from one's own thoughts and feelings (in favor of your partner)
• Developing unhealthy relationship dynamics
• Decreasing one's sense of self worth and well-being

What Does Codependency Look Like in a Relationship?

One or more of the following traits or behaviors can indicate codependency in a relationship:

• Putting a partner's needs above one's own needs most of the time
• Sacrificing one's own well-being and self care in favor of a partner most of the time
• Lacking an individual identity outside the relationship
• Taking responsibility for a partner's well-being most of the time (instead of a partner taking responsibility for their own well-being)
• Choosing a partner to be "fixed" instead of focusing on oneself
• Developing a need to be in control of the relationship
• Recognizing and expressing emotions becomes more difficult over time because someone who is mostly focused on a partner can lose connection with their own thoughts and feelings
• Needing the other partner's approval to feel good about oneself
• Needing the other partner's validation to feel worthy and "good enough"
• Taking on too many responsibilities in the household where the partner has few, if any, responsibilities
• Avoiding conflict with a partner by "walking on eggshells" instead of trying to resolve conflict as problems arise
• Habitually making decisions for a partner in order to control or manage them
• Doing things one doesn't want to do to appease a partner 
• Remaining in a relationship that isn't fulfilling
• Exhibiting excessive concern for a partner's habits or behavior instead of focusing on one's own habits and behavior
• Fearing rejection or abandonment from a partner
• Tending to apologize or take the blame to avoid conflict
• Relying on a partner's mood to determine one's own mood
• Providing "solutions" and trying to "fix" a partner's problems when the partner just wants to vent (see my article: Overcoming the Need to Be Everyone's Caregiver)

What Causes Codependency in a Relationship?

One or more of the following characteristics can cause codependency in a relationship:

• A history of emotional or physical abuse or childhood emotional neglect
• Growing up with one or both parents who have a personality disorder, like borderline personality or narcissistic personality disorder
• Growing up with a parent who had alcohol or drug problems where the other parent over-functioned for the substance abusing parent
• Growing up with overprotective or controlling parents where one never learned as a child to set healthy boundaries with others
• Growing up with one or both emotionally inconsistent parents 
• Growing up with one or both parents abandoning the family or being an inconsistent presence
• Growing up with critical and/or bullying parents or siblings (see my article: The Role of the Family Scapegoat)
• Growing up in a family where one had to suppress one's own identity and needs
• Growing up in a family where one felt invisible and emotionally invalidated

What Does Healthy Dependency Look Like in a Relationship?

The following characteristics are indicative of healthy dependency in a relationship without sacrificing one's own needs, including: 

• Recognizing and stating one's own needs 
• Recognizing one's own need for emotional support and overcoming discomfort with asking for emotional support
• Feeling safe and comfortable expressing one's own needs to a partner
• Setting healthy boundaries with a partner by letting them know when they are asking for too much without feeling guilty about letting them know this

What Are Characteristics of Healthy Interdependency in a Relationship?

• Mutual reliance on each other but not being overly-reliant on a partner
• Having healthy boundaries
• Having a healthy sense of self outside the relationship (e.g., friendships and hobbies)
• Being able to self regulate emotions in a healthy way
• Being able to manage disappointments during disagreements in the relationship
• Being able to emotionally co-regulate in a healthy way without taking on a partner's emotions

Getting Help in Therapy

Codependency in a relationship can be difficult to overcome on your own, especially if you grew up in a codependent environment.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help in couples therapy so you can have a healthier relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Insecure Attachment Styles Are on a Continuum

Emotionally Focused Therapist Julie Menanno has written a wonderful book for couples called Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime (see my article:  What is Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) For Couples?).

Attachment Styles Are on a Continuum

I recommend her book to my clients in my New York City private practice because it's written in an accessible and informative way for the general public.

Couples often read (or listen to) the book together and then discuss how the topics relate to their relationship.  The book supplements the work we do in therapy.

One of the topics in her book is attachment styles (see my article: How Your Attachment Style Can Affect Your Relationship).

Attachment Styles Aren't Fixed

One of the most common misconceptions about attachment styles is that you have the same attachment style in all your relationships throughout your life.

Attachment Styles Are on a Continuum

In other words, many people assume that if you have a particular attachment style in one relationship, you will have the same attachment style in all your relationships, but this isn't necessarily true.

Attachment styles develop at an early age, but you can have a particular attachment style with your mother and a different one with your father during the same time period (see my article: How Early Attachment Bonds Can Affect Your Adult Relationships).

Similarly, you might have, say, an anxious attachment style in one relationship and have an avoidant attachment style in a past or future relationship (see my article: Relationships With Anxious and Avoidant Attachment Styles).

Attachment Styles Are on a Continuum

Your attachment style is often based, in part, on the particular relationship you're in at the time. 

What I often tell clients is, "It's not like astrological signs where you were born under a particular sign and that's your sign for life."

So attachment styles can change over time and in different relationships.

You can also develop a secure attachment style either through being with someone who has a secure attachment style or by working on your attachment wounds in therapy (see my article: What is an Earned Secure Attachment Style?).

All Insecure Attachment Styles Are Not Alike

Another misconception is that within each insecure attachment style (anxious, avoidant and disorganized) everyone exhibits the same characteristics, but this isn't true.

The reality is that each attachment style is on a continuum.

Julie Menanno stresses this in her book and in her social media, including her Instagram account @thesecurerelationship.

Insecure Attachment Styles on a Continuum

Ms. Menanno provides a chart for the different insecure attachment styles in her work that illustrates the continuum with the following information:

Avoidant Attachment Style

Avoidant - Extreme:

• Unlikely to seek a relationship
• Sees partners as merely objects
• Very little capacity for empathy
• No emotional awareness

Avoidant - High:

• Unable to name feelings
• Little facial expression
• No awareness of bodily sensations related to their emotions
• Overly rational
• Emotionally unavailable
• Confused by partner's emotions
• Places a higher value on "doing" rather than on "being"

Avoidant - Moderate:

• Able to name feelings but experiences them as shameful
• Over-idealizes childhood (sees childhood through "rose colored glasses")
• Won't share negative feelings
• Appeases their partner and/or shuts down 
• Overwhelmed by their partner's feelings
• Passive aggressive
• Escapes through hobbies, social media, TV and so on

Avoidant - Mild:

• In the process of learning to express wants and needs
• In the process of developing skills to be emotionally supportive of their partner
• In the process of recognizing impact of childhood attachment dynamics
• In the process of developing an ability to see their own and their partner's part in their problems
• In the process of developing an increased interest in self growth

Anxious Attachment Style

Anxious - Extreme:

• Talks excessively and repeats self
• Might alternate between anger and crying spells
• Highly controlling
• No awareness of their part in their relationship problems
• Overly identifies with the "victim" role in the relationship

Anxious - High

• A rigid interpretation of the relationship problems
• Feels desperate to be heard and understood
• Expects immediate results
• Becomes emotionally dysregulated at times
• Experiences trust inconsistently
• Gives long narrative of events
• Hyper-aware of any possible signs of abandonment by their partner

Anxious - Moderate

• Emerging ability to see their part in the relationship problems (goes back and forth with this developing ability)
• Confused about "what to do" about the relationship problems
• Emerging capacity to disengage during a conflict
• Emerging capacity to make meaning out of the partner's behavior
• Emerging ability to say the couple is not fighting as much, but they still don't feel close to their partner

Anxious - Mild

• Recognizes their part in the couple's problems
• Able to receive comfort from their partner
• Better able to self soothe
• Less critical of their partner and self
• Able to face and verbalize feelings of shame
• Able to face and verbalize feelings of being "too much" for their partner
• Can talk about their anger in a softened way

Disorganized Attachment

Disorganized - Extreme

• Experiences frequent dysregulation and/or dissociation/zoning out
• Difficulty functioning in life in general
• Engages in self harming, risky behavior
• Rapid mood swings
• Chaotic narratives
• Unpredictable
• Extreme fear of rejection and abandonment
• Highly traumatized

Disorganized - High

• Able to function in life but with frequent dysregulation and dissociation
• Very unstable relationships
• Inconsistent thoughts and feelings that are constantly shifting
• Explosions
• Disappears for extended periods of time

Disorganized - Moderate

• Able to participate in therapy with highly trained therapist
• In the process of learning skills to self regulate 
• In the process of learning skills to set boundaries
• In the process of learning skills to process trauma in trauma therapy
• Gets triggered easily but in the process of developing a capacity to feel and talk through these feelings
• In the process of developing capacity to become more organized in the relationship
• Starting to develop capacity to appear as a typical anxious partner (as opposed to disorganized)

Disorganized - Mild

• Still struggles when stress is high
• Less intense reactions
• Higher capacity to develop in couples therapy
• Building trust
• Can see things more realistically and balanced when triggered
• Higher self esteem
• Practices self regulation skills
• Learning to provide comfort and seek comfort
• Still more work to do

As you can see, each attachment style is on a continuum and you can see your own and your partner's progress as you both work together to improve your individual and couple's issues.

Attachment Styles Are on a Continuum

Also, as I mentioned above, it's possible that if you have an anxious attachment style in one relationship, you might develop a more avoidant attachment style in another relationship where your partner has a more anxious attachment style than you do.

Getting Help in Therapy

Most of the time dysfunctional attachment dynamics don't change on their own, so if you recognize that you and your partner are having problems due to unresolved attachment wounds, seek help in therapy.

Getting Help in Therapy

Insecure attachment styles can be challenging to change, but a skilled therapist, who knows how to help clients to overcome attachment wounds that are getting triggered in a relationship, can help you to work through your issues. 

Rather than struggling on your own seek help so you can have a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Dealing With an Ambivalent Partner

Dealing with an ambivalent partner can be frustrating and hurtful, especially if you're getting mixed messages and you don't know where you stand with your partner (see my article: The Connection Between Ambivalence and Mixed Messages).

Dealing with an Ambivalent Partner

Why Causes Relational Ambivalence?

There can be many reasons why a partner might be ambivalent about the relationship:

• A History of Trauma: Whether the trauma occurred early in their childhood or as a result of bad experiences in prior relationships, a history of trauma can make people fearful of getting emotionally involved again. Many people with a significant trauma history engage in push-pull dynamics where, at times, their behavior indicates they want to be in a relationship with you and, at other times, their behavior indicates they don't want to be in a relationship with you. They might pull you in when they fear you're losing interest or push you away when you're present and available due to their fear and emotional avoidance. People with early trauma often have insecure attachment styles (see my article: How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship).

• An Emotional Attachment to Their Ex: Being broken up with an ex doesn't mean that there might not still be a lingering emotional attachment between them. Feelings don't always go away after a breakup, so even though they might be free to see other people, some people still have strong feelings for their ex and they might not be emotionally available for someone new--even though they might want to be. If your partner is trying to maintain a friendship with an ex, you need to understand what that means. Sometimes people try to maintain a friendship with their ex because one or both of them are hoping they will get back together eventually. If this is the case, you might unknowingly be in the middle of a messy situation where you could be the odd one out. In other cases, people who maintain a friendship with their ex might have a codependent relationship with their ex where either they or their ex has expectations that they will be primary. This is not to say that many people aren't able to maintain a healthy friendship with an ex with no ulterior motives because many people do. You just need to understand the dynamics between your partner and their ex and if they have healthy boundaries with each other that will allow you to be primary with your partner (see my article: Is Your Partner Stuck in a Codependent Relationship With an Ex?).

• A Different Perspective on Relationships: There are so many choices these days about what kind of relationship you can have. Most people prefer to have a monogamous relationship, but about 4-5% of the population either have, want to have or have had a consensual nonmonogamous relationship. This is a topic to discuss early on when you're dating someone, but not everyone is clear on what they want. If they're considering consensual nonmonogamy as a possibility, but they're not sure, you might get mixed messages because they haven't decided yet. It's better to know this early on, especially if you and your partner aren't on the same wavelength. Even if both of you want a monogamous relationship, you might have different definitions about what monogamy means to each of you, so it's better to talk about this while dating (see my article: The Advantages of Having a Relationship Agreement in Monogamous or Nonmonogamous Relationship).

• A Different Perspective on Respect and Boundaries: You can't assume that everyone will have the same perspective as you when it comes to respect and maintaining healthy boundaries, especially if you experience certain behaviors from your partner, including:

• Inconsistent Behavior: Inconsistency can show up in many ways. For instance, although most people are busy, they will make an effort to respond in a timely manner to calls and texts (assuming you're not texting or calling too many times). Another example is someone who is inconsistent as to when they want to see you or who shows up late (or not at all). Maybe they want to see you a couple of times one week, but then you don't hear from them for a couple of weeks, so you don't know where you stand with them.  This is disrespectful behavior.

Dealing With Your Partner's Inconsistent Behavior

• Not Introducing You to Friends and Family as Their Partner: This is often a red flag. If you and your partner have established that you're in an exclusive relationship with each other and they don't make an effort to introduce you to people they are close to after a reasonable time or they introduce you but they don't mention that you're their significant other, they're not respecting you. This could be deliberate because there might be other people in a social situation they're interested in. It might also be because, even though they made a commitment to you, they haven't fully committed on an emotional level. If you have both agreed to be exclusive, you deserve to be introduced to close people in your partner's life as their significant other. If not, this is disrespectful behavior.

• A Need to Maintain Control: Some people, especially people with insecure attachment, need to feel they have the upper hand in a relationship. They want to have power and control in the relationship. One way people, who have an insecure attachment style combined with a manipulative personality, do this is by keeping you off kilter and guessing how they feel about you and what you mean to them.  Even if your partner isn't narcissistic or manipulative, they might have a fear of abandonment so they might try to mitigate their fear by maintaining control over the relationship (see my article: How Therapy Can Help With Fear of Abandonment).

How to Set Healthy Boundaries With an Ambivalent Partner

The Early Stage of Dating

The early stage of dating can involve a fair amount of anxiety and ambiguity, especially because people often date multiple people at the same time.

Discussing what you want out of a potential relationship is something you want to address early on. For instance, if you know you want to be in a nonmonogamous relationship or you want a monogamish relationship but the person you're dating doesn't want this, it's better to know this early on so you can wish each other well and meet other people.

Talk About What You Want While Dating

Even if you're both on the same page about what you each want, the early stage of dating can be confusing if you really like someone and you're unsure where you stand with them. 

After a few months (or whatever timeframe you consider reasonable), you can ask them how they're feeling about things between you and be prepared to talk about your feelings, needs and wants. Even though having this talk can make you feel emotionally vulnerable, you can save yourself a lot of heartache in the long run.

If You Both Agree to Be in a Relationship

If you're already in a relationship with your partner and you feel they're behaving in an ambivalent or inconsistent way with you, you need to address this early on or this could become an ongoing pattern (see my article: Setting Healthy Boundaries in a Relationship).

Setting Healthy Boundaries in a Relationship

If you're in a relationship and your partner behaves in an ambivalent or inconsistent way and you don't address it, you're signaling to your partner that you're okay with their behavior.

Even if you know their behavior isn't narcissistic and manipulative, you deserve to be treated well regardless of your partner's history or circumstances. 

What You Can Do If You're in a Relationship With an Ambivalent Partner

Every circumstance is different and only you can decide what's best for you.

The following suggestions might be helpful to you:

• Get Clear With Yourself That You Deserve to Be Treated Well By Your Partner: You can't set healthy boundaries with your partner if you feel you don't deserve it. Journaling can help you to clarify your thoughts and emotional needs. Often people who have been emotionally abused or emotionally neglected early in life grow up to feel they don't deserve to be treated well. If this is you, get help from a licensed mental health professional to deal with your traumatic history.

• Be Clear and Specific With Your Partner About Your Emotional Needs: Some things might be negotiable with your partner, but when it comes to respect and healthy boundaries, you want to be clear on what you need. Be specific about what you will and won't tolerate and, if they're not willing to change or get help to change, you need to make a decision about how much of an emotional investment you want to make in this relationship, especially since this kind of relational ambivalence often doesn't change without help.

Be Clear and Specific About Your Emotional Needs

• Be Compassionate If Your Partner is Struggling and Still Set Boundaries: If their ambivalence is due to unresolved trauma or hurtful experiences in prior relationships, you can be compassionate but still set and maintain healthy boundaries. Don't sacrifice your emotional needs.

• Be Ready to Walk Away If Your Partner Doesn't Make a Significant Effort to Change: If you and your partner agree to certain boundaries and your partner doesn't make a significant effort to change, don't get stuck in a relationship where you're not being treated well. Too many people set boundaries with their partner and then continue to accept poor behavior for years because they hope their partner will eventually change.  This might sound harsh, but life is short and if your partner is only giving lip service to making changes without actually making any changes, you need to make a hard choice on what you want in your life. Don't let your denial keep you stuck if they're not making a significant effort. 

Get Help in Therapy

Setting and maintaining boundaries with a partner can be challenging especially when you love them or you fear being alone or making an effort to date again.

Get Help in Therapy

Working with a individual therapist for yourself or a couples therapist for you and your partner can help to resolve problems with relational ambivalence.

A skilled therapist can help you to take steps to lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.