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Thursday, May 8, 2025

How Glimmers Give You a Sense of Ease, Safety and Joy

What Are Glimmers?
The term "glimmer" was coined in 2018 by Deb Dana, LCSW as part of her work on the applications of the polyvagal theory to regarding psychological trauma.

Glimmers Give You a Momentary Sense of Ease, Safety and Joy

A lot of people are familiar with trauma triggers (see my article: Coping With Trauma: Becoming Aware of Triggers), but fewer people are familiar with the terms "glimmers".

A glimmer is the opposite of a trauma trigger. A glimmer is an internal or external cue that gives you a sense of ease, safety or joy.

According to Deb Dana, LCSW, glimmers are gentle, yet powerful, ways that your nervous system finds moments of being okay--that might mean, as mentioned above, being calm, feeling at ease or feeling joy.

She indicates that glimmers happen all the time, but if you're not accustomed to noticing glimmers, you can miss them (see my article: Seeing Small Wonders All Around Us If We Take the Time to Notice).

So, it's important to develop the ability to find glimmers, notice them, feel them and celebrate them--even if it's just for a moment.

According to Deb Dana, when you begin to notice glimmers, you naturally look for more. 

She also indicates that glimmers are not toxic positivity or about "counting your blessings".  Instead, they're reminders that the human nervous system is built to hold both suffering and, at the same time. to notice moments of goodness. 

What is the Difference Between Trauma Triggers and Glimmers?
Trauma triggers are sensory reminders that cause you to feel unsafe because they are reminders of previous experiences of unresolved trauma.

Glimmers Give You a Sense of Ease, Safety and Joy

Glimmers are the opposite of triggers, as mentioned above. 

Glimmers are also sensory cues, but they are sensory cues that make you feel calm, connected, safe, peaceful and possibly joyful.

What Are Examples of Common Glimmers?
Here are some common glimmers that you might experience:
  • Enjoying the warmth of the sun
  • Seeing a sunrise or a sunset
  • Stargazing
  • Enjoying the smell of fresh cut grass
  • Walking in nature   
  • Sipping your favorite coffee or tea
Glimmers Give You a Sense of Ease, Safety and Joy
  • Enjoying the breeze off the ocean
  • Petting your dog or cat
  • Seeing a rainbow
  • Listening to soothing music
  • Enjoying the taste of your favorite food
  • Giving or getting a hug
  • Receiving a smile
  • Seeing a butterfly
  • The internal sensation of feeling at peace with yourself and in peaceful surroundings
How Are Glimmers Beneficial to You?
When you have unresolved trauma, your body can be looking, consciously or unconsciously, for signs of possible danger--real or imagined.

When you're constantly on guard for danger, glimmers can be momentary internal or external cues that allow you to feel joy, connected and safe.

Glimmers Give You a Sense of Ease, Safety and Joy

If you have been unable to recognize glimmers in the past and you're beginning to recognize glimmers now, you might be experiencing the early stage of recovering from trauma because, possibly, your body isn't as on guard as it used to be.

Even if you have just a moment of enjoying a glimmer, that's a moment when you're not hypervigilant or on guard waiting for danger to occur.

How Can Glimmers Support Your Healing From Psychological Trauma?
Here are some of the ways glimmers can support your healing from psychological trauma:
  • Regulating Your Nervous System: Glimmers can help to regulate your nervous system by counteracting the hyperarousal from triggers related to trauma.
  • Providing You With a Sense of Safety: By appreciating glimmers, you can let your "survival brain" know that. you are safe and this can reduce fear and anxiety.
  • Building Resilience: Appreciating glimmers can strengthen your nervous system's ability to cope with stress, including the stress of overcoming unresolved trauma in therapy. Glimmers can also makes it easier to deal with other challenging situations (see my article: Resilience: Coping With Life's Inevitable Ups and Downs).
Glimmers Give You a Sense of Ease, Safety and Joy
  • Cultivating Optimism: Noticing glimmers can help you to shift your mindset from negative experiences to positive moments. This can also help you to internalize a positive outlook--even if it's for the moment.
  • Promoting Emotional Healing: Noticing and appreciating glimmers on a regular basis can help to boost your mood, reduce depression and anxiety and improve your overall mental health.
How to Develop Your Awareness of Glimmers
Here are some suggestions that can help you to develop your awareness of glimmers:
  • Use Your Senses: Notice what you see, hear, smell, sense/tactile and taste in the environment around you.

Glimmers Give You a Sense of Ease, Safety and Joy

  • Keep a Gratitude Journal: Notice, appreciate and write about the small things around you that bring you joy in a gratitude journal (see my article: Keeping a Gratitude Journal).
  • Engage in Activities That You Enjoy: Spend time in nature, play your favorite music, dance, pursue your hobbies and engage in other activities that you enjoy.
  • Curate Your Social Media: Unfollow accounts that trigger your trauma and you and follow accounts that are uplifting.
Conclusion
Glimmers can help you to improve your mental health.  

If you're working on unresolved trauma in therapy, glimmers can help you to experience moments of joy, calm and ease while. you're in trauma therapy.

Recognizing Glimmers During Trauma Therapy

As a trauma therapist, I recommend appreciating glimmers to my clients (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

Anyone can learn to develop the skills of noticing and appreciating glimmers. It just takes practice and as you begin to notice them, continuing to recognize and appreciate glimmers can get easier over time.

About Me
I am a New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experiencing helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.












Wednesday, May 7, 2025

Helpful Tips on How to Make the Most Out of Your Couples Therapy

Couples therapy can be a transformative experience (see my article: What is EFT Couples Therapy?).

A skilled couples therapist can help you and your partner to overcome challenges in your relationship.

How to Make the Most Out of Couples Therapy

To get the most out of couples therapy, it's important to understand that it's common to feel a certain amount of anxiety and ambivalence, especially if you don't know what to expect (see my article: It's Not Unusual to Feel Anxious and Ambivalent at the Start of Therapy).

To help reduce your anxiety, it's helpful to know how to approach couples therapy so you can get the most out of it. 

What Do Couples Talk About in Couples Therapy?
Couples can talk about a variety of issues (see my article: What Do Couples Talk About in Couples Therapy?).

Here are just a few of the issues that couples talk about in couples therapy:
  • Moving in together or getting married
  • Infertility issues
  • Grief and loss related to miscarriages
  • Grief and loss due to the loss of a child
  • Parenting issues
  • Different perspectives about managing money
  • Retirement issues
  • Taking care of aging parents
  • Other major issues 

What Are the Do's and Don'ts in Couples Therapy

Do's in Couples Therapy:
  • Approach Couples Therapy With Curiosity and Openness: It's important to state your feelings openly and honestly to your partner and to the couples therapist in session.
  • Talk About What You Want: Being able to tell your couples therapist and your partner what you want to get out of couples therapy will help to define your goals. You might even be surprised that your partner might have different goals and these differences might need to be negotiated.
How to Make the Most Out of Couples Therapy
  • Set Realistic Goals: Once you and your partner have agreed to what you want to get out of therapy, set realistic goals for the couples therapy. When you have goals, the couples therapy has direction and you can assess your progress. However, it's also important to know that progress in therapy isn't linear. This means that setbacks (where you take two steps forward and one step back) are a normal part of the process, so don't get discouraged (See my article: Progress in Therapy Isn't Learner).
  • Practice the Skills You Learn in Couples Therapy Between Sessions: Use the skills you learn in couples therapy between sessions so you can continue to hone your skills in your daily life with your partner.  If you run into obstacles, talk about it at your next couples therapy session so you can continue to develop these skills.  There might also be some topics that you and your partner will only discuss in couples therapy sessions until you both develop the necessary skills to talk about these issues between sessions.
Don'ts in Couples Therapy:
  • Don't Wait Too Long to Start Couples Therapy: Many couples wait until they're ready to end the relationship to get help. Getting into couples therapy becomes their "last ditch effort". By then, it's often too late. The sooner you get help the better.
  • Don't Focus on "Fixing" Your Partner: Focus on what you want to change about yourself in the relationship instead of having the attitude that you're there to "fix" your partner.
How to Make the Most Out of Couples Therapy
  • Avoid Trying to "Fix" Your Partner: You and your partner need to approach your problems like a team, as previously mentioned. Instead, focus on the areas where you can grow.  Couples usually have negative patterns that each partner contributes to in their dynamic. So, part of the work in couples therapy is for you and your partner to learn work together as a team to change the negative patterns.
  • Avoid Contacting the Therapist Privately Without Your Partner's Knowledge: Most couples therapists do individual sessions to get family and relationship history. However, other than those individual sessions, avoid speaking, texting or emailing the therapist without your partner's knowledge because this can undermine the therapy.  The couple is the client in couples therapy--not the individuals in relationship. Contacting the therapist privately without the other partner's knowledge often occurs when one person is trying to get the couples therapist to align with them against the partner, which a skilled couples therapist will not do.
  • Avoid Keeping Secrets From Your partner and Your Therapist: Most couples therapists will not keep an individual's secrets in couples therapy. Keeping secrets from the therapist or your partner will become an obstacle to progress in therapy. For instance, if you're having a secret affair, most couples therapist will not work with you and your partner because the affair would be undermining your relationship.
Conclusion
Couples therapy can be beneficial for couples who are experiencing problems in their relationship.

You and your partner can learn to come together as a team in couples therapy to overcome the obstacles in your relationship.

If you and your partner decide that it would be best to end the relationship, a couples therapist can help you both to end the relationship as amicably as possible and come to an agreement about how to talk to your children about the end of the relationship and how to co-parent if these issues are applicable.

About Me
I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

I have over 20 years of experience working with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.






What is Compassionate Empathy?

In my prior article, Cognitive vs Affective Empathy, I discussed the difference between those two types of empathy.

Compassionate Empathy

In the current article I'm focusing on compassionate empathy.

    As a brief recap from the prior article:
  • Cognitive Empathy means being able to think about and understand another person.
  • Affective Empathy means being able to feel another person's feelings while staying grounded in your own experience.
What is Compassionate Empathy?
Compassionate empathy is empathy that combines cognitive and affective empathy so you understand intellectually what someone else is going through at the same time that you're able to feel their feelings while grounded in your own experience.


Compassionate Empathy

Compassionate empathy uses emotional intelligence to respond to another person's feelings without getting overwhelmed or trying to fix their problem.

When you experience compassionate empathy, you're supporting and empowering the other person to deal with their situation.

Compassionate empathy allows you to:
  • See and feel the other person's feelings without your own feelings getting in the way and interfering with their situation
  • Focus on the other person without pushing a particular outcome on them
  • Validate the other person's feelings without giving advice--unless they ask for it
  • Create a safe space for the other person to resolve their problem
An Example of Compassionate Empathy
Your friend calls you to say she is very upset because she found out she didn't score well on the Law School Admission Test (LSAT) and now she's afraid she'll never achieve her dream of becoming a lawyer.

Compassionate Empathy

You invite your friend over so you can talk. When she gets to your place, she's still very upset and she tells you how much she wants to be a public defender and now she'll never be able to do that because of her low LSAT score.

You listen to your friend with compassionate empathy by allowing her to express her feelings while you understand and feel her feelings.

You validate her feelings by telling her, "I know how important your dream of becoming a public defender is to you. I can feel how sad and frustrated you are. I'm here for you. Tell me what else I can do for you."

Your friend feels soothed by you and she calms down. After she calms down and gets over her initial disappointment about not doing well on the LSAT, she remembers she can take the test again.  She also remembers that she can take a preparation course to improve her score the next time she takes the test.

Later on, your friend tells you she's glad she spoke to you. She says she realizes now that, even though she's disappointed, she doesn't have to give up on her dream. Then, she thanks you.

How Can You Develop Compassionate Empathy?
As mentioned above, compassionate empathy combines both cognitive and affective empathy so it's an important skill.

To develop compassionate empathy:
  • Stay Calm: Make sure you have the emotional bandwidth to deal with your friend's feelings so you can be present and engage with your friend.
  • Listen and Stay Attuned Without Being Judgmental: Listen to your friend and stay attuned to your friend's feelings as well as your own. When you remain present for your friend, you can experience compassionate empathy. You want to be non-judgmental so you can be fully present for your friend's feelings without giving advice, questioning or criticizing their feelings and motives.

Compassionate Empathy
  • Mirror Your Friend's Feelings: Rather than giving your opinion, sense into your friend's feelings and reflect them back accurately and compassionately to your friend. When your friend experiences that you're in synch with their feelings, your friend can feel supported by you and calm down. This allows your friend to think more clearly,
  • Validate Your Friend's Experience: When you validate your friend's experience, you say things like, "This sounds like it's very upsetting and difficult for you."
  • Repeat These Steps If Your Friend's Feelings Escalate: If your friend is very upset, you might have to repeat your steps until your friend feels understood and they can calm down.
Conclusion
Compassionate empathy combines both affective and cognitive empathy. 

Compassionate Empathy

When you use compassionate empathy, you're using emotional intelligence to be responsive to another person without trying to fix their problem.

With compassionate empathy, you can be supportive and empower someone to deal with their situation.

About Me
I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.







 


Tuesday, May 6, 2025

Cognitive Empathy vs Affective Empathy: Thinking About Another Person's Feelings vs Feeling Their Feelings

I've written prior articles about empathy.

    See my articles: 



Empathy Between Friends

What is the Difference Between Affective Empathy and Cognitive Empathy?
In the current article, I'm focusing on the difference between affective empathy and cognitive empathy.

    Cognitive Empathy:
Cognitive empathy is the ability to understand another person's perspective. This means you're able to put yourself in another person's shoes to comprehend their point of view.

You can imagine what the other person is feeling.

You can also interpret another person's feelings, thoughts and motivations.

For instance, if your friend went to an audition for a part in the theater and she didn't get it, you can imagine how disappointed she is about not getting the part.

Instead of imagining the situation from your own point of view, you imagine it from your friend's perspective when she gets the bad news.

Affective Empathy:
Affective empathy is when you allow yourself to feel the other person's feelings. With affective empathy, you allow yourself to dip into the other person's emotional experience while staying grounded in your own experience.

Empathy in Psychotherapy

For instance, if your friend is sad because she didn't get the job, you can sense her sadness and feel sad too because you're resonating with her experience.

With affective empathy, you're more likely to try to help her than if you only experience cognitive empathy.

What Are Examples of Cognitive Empathy vs Affective Empathy?
Regarding the example above of your friend not getting the theater job, here are examples of cognitive and affective empathy:
  • Cognitive EmpathyYou tell your friend who didn't get the job, "I know you're sad about not getting the job and I know this is hard for you."
  • Affective Empathy: You tell your friend, "I can feel your sadness and I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm here for you."
Both types of empathy are valuable. but they differ in their focus and the level of your emotional involvement.

Empathy in a Relationship

Cognitive empathy involves mental processing and understanding.

Affective empathy involves sharing emotions and emotional resonance between you and the other person.

Although some people are naturally more skilled at one type of empathy than another, both types of empathy are essential for understanding human emotion.

What is the Difference Between Empathy and Sympathy?
Empathy, as defined above, is allowing yourself to understand the other person's feelings (as in the case of cognitive empathy) and feel the other person's feelings while staying grounded in your own experience (as in the case of affective empathy). 

Affective empathy, in particular allows for a deep emotional connection.

Although someone can express concern and offer emotional support with sympathy, sympathy doesn't necessarily involve understanding or feeling the other person's feelings. 

Next Article: What is Compassionate Empathy?

About Me
I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.













Sunday, April 27, 2025

Combining Hope With Action For Meaningful Change

I wrote a prior article about hope entitled 5 Reasons Why Hope is Essential to Your Well-Being.

In this article I'm focusing on how the combination of hope and taking action can lead to meaningful change.

Combining Hope With Action For Meaningful Change

    First a recap of my prior article:

5 Reasons Why Hope is Important to Your Sense of Well Being
There are many reasons why hope is important to your sense of well-being, including that it can provide: 
  • 1. An Openness to New Possibilities: When you feel hopeful, you're more likely to be open to new and better possibilities for the future.  Even if there's just only a glimmer of hope, it can be enough for you to envision a better future for yourself (see my article: Being Open to New Possibilities).
Combining Hope With Action For Meaningful Change

  • 2. A Sense of Motivation: Hope can motivate you to take action because when you feel hopeful--even if you also feel some dread--you're more likely to take positive steps towards the challenges you're facing (see my article: Developing Internal Motivation).
Combining Hope With Action For Meaningful Change
  • 3. A Willingness to Persevere: Goals often require perseverance and perseverance is easier to sustain if you feel hopeful that your goals are achievable. This is especially true for long term goals where you might not always see progress immediately. Hope can sustain you through rough times when you might be tempted to give up (see my article: Achieving Your Goals With Perseverance).
Combining Hope With Action For Meaningful Change
  • 4. A Willingness to Overcome Setbacks: With many long term goals, there are often setbacks because progress isn't linear. This is true of many longer term goals. It's also true for psychotherapy.  When you feel hopeful, you're more likely to take temporary setbacks in stride rather than letting setbacks deter you from your goals (see my article: Setbacks Are a Normal Part of Therapy on the Road to Healing).
  • 5. An Improvement to Health and Well-Being: A sense of hope can improve your physical and mental well-being. When hope reduces stress, it can improve your immune system. Hope can also reduce anxiety and sadness.  In addition, it can increase your confidence.  Feeling hopeful and wanting to remain in a state of hopefulness can encourage you to surround yourself with like-minded people.
How to Cultivate Hope in Yourself
  • Give yourself permission to be hopeful--even when you're facing tough odds.
Combining Hope With Action For Meaningful Change
  • Set clear goals for yourself so you have a sense of purpose and direction.
  • Seek support for your goals from supportive loved ones.
  • Learn from other people's experiences--whether these are friends, family or inspiring people in history--to motivate yourself.
Why Does the Combination of Hope With Action Create Meaningful Change?
The stereotypical portrayal of psychotherapy is that therapy is all talk and no action (see my article: Common Myths About Psychotherapy: Therapy is All Talk and No Action).

Hope can be a powerful motivator, but hope alone won't bring about change without taking action.

Combining Hope and Action:
  • People are more likely to take action when they feel hopeful--even when they're faced with significant obstacles.
Combining Hope With Action For Meaningful Change
  • Just as hope can inspire action, action can inspire increased hope by giving people an increased sense of their own empowerment so there can be an upward spiral (see my article: Empowering Clients in Therapy).
Getting Help in Therapy
If you feel stuck and unable to motivate yourself, you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed mental health professional.

Getting Help in Therapy

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to overcome the obstacles that keep you stuck.

Rather than remaining stuck, seek help so you can achieve your goals and live a meaningful life.

About Me
I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience helping individual adults and couples (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Therapy).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.










Monday, April 21, 2025

Discovering Your Happiness Triggers

I'm discussing  triggers from a different perspective than how I usually discuss them as a trauma therapist (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

What Are Triggers?
Therapists, especially trauma therapists, tend to focus on trauma triggers because it's helpful for traumatized clients to know how to recognize and cope with triggers. But it's also important to recognize happiness triggers to add to the quality of your life.

Although the word "trigger" tends to have a negative connotation, psychologically speaking, triggers are neither negative or positive. Triggers are experiences that evoke memories. 

What Are Happiness Triggers?
Happiness triggers refers to rituals and routines we engage in to tap into positive memories and cultivate positive experiences.


Discovering Your Happiness Triggers


The term "happiness triggers" is usually associated with Valorie Burton, life coach, author and motivational speaker.

What Are the Benefits of Discovering Your Happiness Triggers?
Discovering your happiness triggers can be a way of starting new positive habits because these triggers are associated with positive experiences and they can motivate you to develop positive habits.

Happiness triggers can also serve as an anchor in your life.

When happiness triggers evoke positive experiences, they access positive memories that are neurochemically wired in your brain.  

Happiness triggers can also help to pull you out of a funk when you're feeling low.

How to Develop Happiness Triggers
Happiness triggers are based on individual experiences, memories, needs, interests and values so they will be unique for each person.

Discovering Your Happiness Triggers

To discover your own unique happiness triggers, start by thinking about the small things in your life in the present or in the past that lift your mood and energy. It can be as simple as the ritual of having your morning coffee or tea, listening to your favorite podcast, taking a walk in the park and so on.

If you're still unsure, practice being present in the moment to experiences that bring you joy. Pay attention to your bodily experiences when you experience memories that were joyful or  evoke a sense of well-being.

Happiness Triggers Require Practice
Once you have discovered your unique happiness triggers, you need to practice them over and over again in order to develop them into positive habits.

These new habits can include behavioral, cognitive (thinking) or emotional triggers.

Behavioral Happiness Triggers
Behavioral happiness might include:
  • Exercising
Discovering Your Happiness Triggers

  • Dancing
  • Listening to music
  • Performing an act of kindness for someone
  • Reading a favorite book
  • Engaging in a favorite hobby
Cognitive (Thinking) Happiness Triggers
Cognitive happiness triggers might include:
  • Reframing negative thoughts with positive self talk or affirmations
  • Recalling and re-experiencing positive memories and experiences
Emotional Happiness Triggers
Discovering Your Happiness Triggers

  • Engaging your five senses (sight, sound, taste, smell and touch)
  • Getting a massage
  • Getting a manicure
  • Playing a sport
  • Connecting or reconnecting with a friend or loved one
Conclusion
Developing and practicing happiness triggers can increase your sense of joy and well-being.

Discovering Your Happiness Triggers

You can also discover happiness triggers by connecting to your inner world and connecting to a loved one to discover what is most meaningful and fulfilling to you.

About Me
I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.