Relationships: Do You and Your Partner Understand Each Other's Needs?

Whether you and your partner have been together for many years or you're early in your dating relationship, you both might have different needs, so being able to communicate is important (see my article: How Well Do You Know Your Partner?).

What is Your Definition of Intimacy?

It's a common mistake for individuals in relationships to assume that they and their partner have the same understanding of intimacy, but this often isn't true.

Understanding Each Other's Needs in a Relationship

How you and your partner define intimacy and each of your needs might be different, which can lead to misunderstandings if you don't know this.

When one partner makes a gesture for emotional connection, but in that moment the other partner needs personal time apart, this difference can lead to feelings of rejection for the person who wants connection and feelings of being pressured for the one who needs personal time apart.

If these differences aren't discussed, both people can feel too vulnerable to approach their partner. The one who wants more closeness can fear being judged as "needy" and the one who needs their own personal time can fear being labeled as "emotionally cold" or avoidant.

How to Develop Effective Communication to Understand Each Other's Needs

Unfortunately, when couples experience differences in terms of what they each need, they often avoid the topic or, if they want to talk about it, they don't know how to do it.

Understanding Each Other's Needs in a Relationship

Admittedly, it can be difficult to initiate a conversation about individual differences with regard to intimacy, but not talking about it often increases emotional distance between each partner.

To reconnect with each other, a couple needs to be able to express their needs and be open to what their partner needs.

What Are the Different Types of Intimacy?

Intimacy includes:

• Emotional Intimacy

• Physical Intimacy

• Mental Intimacy

• Emotional Intimacy: Creating a safe haven for each person to express their emotional needs is essential. If one or both people think they will be criticized about their needs, they won't be able to communicate openly. So, even though you and your partner might be different with regard to the type and amount of emotional intimacy you each need, it's important to start with the mindset that you're both going to listen to each other with openness and respect.

Understanding Each Other's Needs in a Relationship

• Physical Intimacy: Some people need to feel emotionally intimate first before they can become sexually intimate. Others need to feel connected sexually before they can feel emotionally intimate. Neither way is right or wrong, it's just different. It's also common for individuals in a relationship to experience sexual desire differently, so it's important to understand yourself and your partner, especially if you have differences.

• See my articles: 

• Whereas Many Women Need Emotional Connection to Feel Sexual Desire, Many Men Need a Sexual Connection to Connect Emotionally
  

• Spontaneous and Responsive Desire Are Both Normal

• Mental Intimacy: Feeling mentally stimulated by your partner is just as important as feeling emotionally and physically stimulated. If you and your partner find that you have little to talk about beyond your children and your jobs, you could benefit from talking about your hobbies or interests. You each might be different when it comes to talking about what is most interesting and fulfilling to you. It's not unusual for two people to have different interests and it's also possible to get curious about your partner's interests and for your partner to get curious about yours. 

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many different cases to maintain confidentiality, illustrates how a cisgender heterosexual couple can become closer by working on these issues in therapy:

Jean and Bill

When Jean and Bill were dating, they both felt emotionally, physically and mentally drawn to each other.

Ten years into their marriage, Jean suggested they seek help in couples therapy due to an increasing sense of estrangement and boredom between them.  

Bill was somewhat reluctant because he wasn't accustomed to talking about his feelings to a mental health professional, but he agreed to attend couples therapy because he realized they were drifting apart.

After meeting with each of them individually to get their individual histories with regard to their family, prior relationships and sexual history, they had their first couples session together. 

The couples therapist, who was also a sex therapist, asked them what each of them wanted to get out of couples therapy.

After a moment of awkwardness and silence, they turned to each other and Jean was the first to speak, "We've been drifting apart for the last several years and I'm afraid that if we don't do something to change this, we're going to live together as roommates or our relationship might not last."

Bill responded, "I feel like Jean doesn't understand that I need my alone time, especially after I come home from work. It's like she can't wait to tell me about her day and, don't get me wrong, I want to hear about it, but I feel bombarded when I first walk through the door. I don't want us to continue to drift apart, but we need to work out our differences when it comes to time together and time apart (see my article: Time Together Vs. Time Apart).

Over time, Bill and Jean spoke about this issue as well as other obstacles to emotional, physical and mental intimacy. This was their first experience with talking about these topics and, although they were each hesitant to talk about their needs at first, they learned to approach these talks with openness and curiosity.

They both expressed feeling more genuinely connected to each other--even when they were talking about their differences. 

Since they had become increasingly estranged over the last several years, their work in couples therapy was neither quick nor easy. But they both felt they were being more authentic with each other which brought them closer together.

They each learned to be open and curious about their individual interests. They also learned they were different in terms of their emotional needs. 

Bill felt most connected to Jean when they were sexual and Jean felt more sexually turned on when they were emotionally connected. So they learned to talk about this and make adjustments in how they interacted. 

Jean realized she wasn't usually spontaneously interested in sex, but once she and Bill began kissing, she got turned on. 

She learned that if she was willing to start being sexually intimate, she usually got turned on (see my article: For People With Responsive Desire, a Willingness to Get Started is Often Enough to Get Aroused).

Bill experienced sexual desire spontaneously. All he had to do was think about sex and he was turned on, but he learned to appreciate Jean's responsive desire, so he slowed down to align with her experience, which made their sex life more pleasurable for both of them.

As obstacles came up in their couples therapy work, their couples therapist helped them to work through them so that, over time, they had a more fulfilling relationship.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

If you and your partner haven't been able to resolve your problems on your own, you could benefit from seeking help in couples therapy.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a skilled couples therapist so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

The Many Layers of Grief

There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Everyone grieves in their own way and in their own time (see my article:  Common Reactions to the Loss of a Loved One).

The Many Layers of Grief

The 5 Stages of Grief

The idea that there are stages of grief was developed by Swiss-American psychiatrist Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross in the late 1960s. 

According to Kubler-Ross, these stages are:

• Denial
• Anger
• Bargaining
• Depression 
• Acceptance

Although these stages are usually thought to be linear, they often occur in no particular order and they're often reoccurring. 

For instance, if someone experiences anger first, they might experience denial, depression and bargaining and a certain level of acceptance. 

But over time this same person will probably re-experience these stages in no particular order on certain anniversaries (e.g, birthdays, anniversaries of their loved one's death and holidays).

In addition, acceptance has many layers to it. There is the initial acceptance that the death has occurred, but over time acceptance can deepen as the meaning of this loss also deepens.

The Many Layers of Grief

In addition to the 5 Stages of Grief, people often experience grief in waves and in layers.

Anyone who has ever grieved for the loss of a loved one is aware that grief comes in waves. Weeks, months and years after the loss you might experience a wave of grief come over you for no apparent reason that you're aware of at the time.

The Many Layers of Grief

The concept that there can be layers of grief over time isn't commonly recognized.  The layers, which often go with the stages, are usually experienced from surface to depth.  

In other words, even if you go through all five stages several times and in a different order or in a combination of stages each time, you might go through these stages in more profound ways each time from surface to depth.

Although this is understandable when the loss is close, people are often surprised to go through many layers of grief even when they were estranged from the person who died or the death was of a relative they never knew (see my article: (see my article: Mourning the Death of a Father You Have Never Known).

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette illustrates how grief can come in layers over time for an estranged family member:

Sara

When Sara received the phone call from the police that her estranged older sister, June, was found dead from an overdose of heroin hundreds of miles away, she was shocked at first. She and her sister had estranged for over 20 years (see my article: Family Estrangements: Understanding the Barriers to Reconciliation).

Growing up Sara wasn't close to June. By the time Sara was five years old, her older sister had already quit high school to move in with a boyfriend that no one in the family liked, so Sara never saw her sister again.

As friends and family members heard about the June's death, they reached out to Sara to express their condolences (see my article: Expressing Condolences in a Caring and Tactful Way).

In response to their concern, Sara told them that she didn't have a sense of loss because she and June weren't close. She said she was just glad that June wasn't suffering anymore.

After Sara and her husband arranged for June's burial, they resumed their daily activities as if nothing had happened. But over time June's feelings changed. She noticed that her level of acceptance of June's death evolved over time.

As time passed and she went through what was left of June's personal belongings, Sara felt waves of sadness to be missing the sister she had never really known. 

Going through one of June's picture albums, Sara was surprised to discover that June kept pictures of her when she was a baby. It was at that point that Sara realized, even though June was someone she never really knew, she was important to June in ways she had never known.

The Many Layers of Grief

After discovering the pictures of herself, Sara made an effort to find out more about her sister. 

With much effort, she was able to find people in the area where June lived who knew her. She discovered that, before her life took a precipitous decline, June liked to draw portraits, including portraits of Sara when she was a baby.

She also discovered that up until June began abusing heroin, she loved to cook and she often invited friends and neighbors to her home for a meal, including people who were much less fortunate than her.

No one who knew June in the past was sure why her life took such a turn for the worse because she isolated herself in her final years. 

But some former friends believed her life got worse after she began a relationship with a man who introduced her to heroin. They surmised that after he left June, she kept to herself and her heroin use got worse until the day she overdosed.

As she discovered more about her sister, Sara was surprised to feel a depth of grief for June she would have never anticipated. 

Soon after that, she began therapy to deal with her loss.

People who are estranged from family members for a long time and people who have never known certain relatives are often surprised by the many layers of grief they feel.

Grieving in Your Own Way

We're hardwired for attachment in order to survive as babies. We're not hardwired for grief.

Grief is a topic that makes many people feel uncomfortable. In fact, many people try to avoid feeling emotions related to grief. 

The Many Layers of Grief

Those who aren't grieving often express surprise when people who have experienced a loss are continuing to grieve. 

Many make unkind remarks like, "You're still sad about your loss? How can this be when it's been over a year?" or "You just need to get out there and meet someone new."

As I mentioned at the beginning of this article, there's no one right or wrong way to grieve so if you're grieving, you'll go through it in your own time and in your own way, but it's important to make room for all your feelings.  

Certain rituals in various cultures are meant to help those who are grieving to acknowledge their feelings and come together with other people for emotional support (see my article: The Power of Creating Rituals).

The Many Layers of Grief

But after everyone has gone home and returned to their lives, you'll probably realize your life has changed in unanticipated ways after your loss.  

You might return to work and other routines but, just like any other profound experience, grief can change you.

Aside from experiencing the loss, you might also discover that, over time, grief can give you a new appreciation for love and life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples and I have helped many clients to work through grief in their own way.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also see my articles:

Coping With the Loss of a Loved One

Coping With Grief: It's Common For Emotional Pain to Get Worse Before It Gets Better

Complicated Grief

Complicated Grief and Unresolved Mourning

Inconsolable Grief For a Mother's Death

Taking Care of Yourself After the Death of a Loved One

You Continue to Have a Relationship With Your Parents After They Die

Who Are You After Both Parents Have Died?

The Emotional Pain of Clearing Out Your Parents' House After They Die

Writing as a Way to Cope With Grief

Writing About Your Mother After Her Death

Coping With the Loss of a Pet

What is the Connection Between Anxiety and Depression?

Although anxiety and depression often look different, they're more closely connected than most people think (see my article: What is the Difference Between Fear and Anxiety?)

The Connection Between Anxiety and Depression

While anxiety is usually considered a high energy state, depression is usually perceived as a low energy state. 

Even though they appear to be different, it's not unusual for a person with depression to also experience anxiety, including panic attacks, and vice versa.

How Are Anxiety and Depression Connected?

Anxiety is more than just common worry and nervousness. 

Anxiety can cause debilitating fear beyond what most people might experience.  

People who experience debilitating anxiety usually know that many of their anxious thoughts aren't rational, but they might not be able to stop these thoughts. 

Over time, this constant sense of dread can lead to depression.

What is the Cycle Between Anxiety and Depression?

When people feel highly anxious and they're unable to overcome or control their anxious thoughts, they often feel they have failed, which can lead to depression (see my article: Looking Happy on the Outside But Feeling Broken on the Inside).

The typical cycle between anxiety and depression can include one or more of the following:

• The chance of becoming depressed is much higher if you're already grappling with anxiety. About 50% of people who suffer with major depression also suffer from debilitating anxiety.

• Anxiety and depression can trigger each other.

The Connection Between Anxiety and Depression

• People who have unresolved trauma including PTSD (posttraumatic stress disorder) are prone to depression.

• Many people have a genetic predisposition for anxiety and depression so that, without therapy, these conditions are passed on from one generation to the next. This includes intergenerational trauma.

What Are the Signs of a Combination of Anxiety and Depression?

Symptoms of anxiety and depression include (but are not limited to):

• Persistent irrational fears and worries

• Feeling helpless or powerless

• Feeling hopeless

• Difficulty falling and staying asleep

• Feeling tired and irritable

The Connection Between Anxiety and Depression

• Changes in eating habits including overeating or eating too little

• Memory problems

• Difficulty making decisions

• Problems concentrating

• Loss of interest in former activities or hobbies

• Problems relaxing

• Problems with being in the moment

• Suffering with panic attacks

Getting Help in Therapy to Overcome Anxiety and Depression

There are many different types of therapy to overcome anxiety and depression.

If your anxiety and depression are rooted in unresolved trauma, Experiential Therapy is safer and more effective than regular talk therapy (see my article: Why is Experiential Therapy More Effective Than Talk Therapy to Overcome Trauma).

Getting Help in Therapy For Anxiety and Depression

Experiential Therapy includes therapy modalities that work due to the mind-body connection (see my article: Experiential Therapy and the Mind-Body Connection: The Body Offers a Window Into the Unconscious Mind).

Experiential therapy includes the following types of therapy:

• EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) Therapy

• Somatic Experiencing
  

• AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy)

• Parts Work including IFS (Internal Family Systems) and Ego States Therapy

• Clinical Hypnosis (also known as Hypnotherapy)
  

Instead of struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who can help you overcome anxiety and depression so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to overcome anxiety and depression, including problems related to unresolved trauma (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Strategies For Coping With Post Election Stress

Many people are under a lot of stress during this post election time (see my article: Developing Calmness and Balance During Stressful Times).

Coping with Post Election Stress

Fear and anxiety are running high and many people don't know how to cope with their emotions. 

This is especially true for people who feel the future is very uncertain and there's nothing they can do about it (see my article: Living With Uncertainty).

The purpose of this article is to provide suggestions which can help you to get through this difficult time.

Strategies For Coping With Post Election Fear and Anxiety

• Acknowledge and Accept How You Feel Right Now: The first step to coping with any uncomfortable feelings is to acknowledge and accept that this is how you're feeling right now rather than denying it or trying to push down your feelings. Also, be aware that how you feel right now might not be how you feel over time, especially if you take steps to take care of yourself.

Coping with Post Election Stress: Accept Your Feelings

• Know You're Not Alone: When you're feeling anxious and fearful, you might feel like you're alone--even though you know rationally that there are millions of people who feel the same way. But you're not alone. (see my article: Steps to Overcome Loneliness).

• Seek Connection With Like-Minded People: Instead of isolating, seek connection with others who have similar feelings. There is comfort in knowing you're not alone with your anxiety and fear. Talking with others who feel as you do can help, especially if your conversations lead to new ways of coping and taking action for yourself and others.

Coping With Post Election Stress: Seek Connection

• Take Care of Yourself: Eating nutritious meals, getting good sleep, exercising at a level that's right for you and taking care of your mental health are all important, especially when you're under stress (see my article: Self Care Is Not Selfish).

• Take Part in Enjoyable Activities: Whether you enjoy walks in the park, getting together with friends and family or engaging in activities that uplift you, make the time for these activities.

Coping With Post Election Stress: Enjoy Activities

• Take Breaks From the News: It's important to be well informed, but watching hours and hours of broadcast news can make you feel even more anxious, so taking breaks from the news is important.

Coping With Post Election Stress: Volunteer

• Volunteer With Advocacy Groups: Volunteering is a way to feel less isolated. Volunteering can also help to reduce your feelings of hopelessness, helplessness and apathy. There are plenty of groups, including climate change groups, groups to preserve democracy, women's rights groups, LGBTQ groups and other advocacy groups that can use your help and help you to feel like you're making a difference (see my article: Overcoming Loneliness and Isolation).

Coping With Post Election Stress: Seek Help From a Psychotherapist

• Get Help From a Licensed Mental Health Professional: If you feel you're struggling with fear, anxiety or depression and self help strategies aren't helping you, seek help from a licensed mental health professional. A skilled psychotherapist can provide you with the tools and strategies you need to achieve calm and balance in your life (see my article: Common Myths About Psychotherapy: Going to Therapy Means You're "Weak").

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

With over 25 years of experience as a psychotherapist, I have helped many clients to overcome fear, anxiety and unresolved trauma (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?)

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email.

Coping With Trauma: Managing Sexual Abuse Triggers

I've written about trauma related to sexual abuse in a prior article (see my article: Overcoming the Trauma of Childhood Sexual Abuse).

In the current article, I'm focusing on sexual abuse triggers, which are common experiences for many adults who experienced childhood sexual abuse (see my article: Coping With Trauma: Becoming Aware of Triggers).

Managing Sexual Abuse Triggers

Sexual abuse occurs regardless of age, gender, sexual orientation, race, ethnicity or other identifying factors.

Childhood sexual abuse can be especially confusing because children are emotionally and physically vulnerable. 

Sexual abuse often occurs when children are told they can trust certain adults, including a parent, sibling, other family members, family friends, babysitters, teachers, pastors/religious leaders and others who turn out to be sexually abusive.

Managing Sexual Abuse Triggers

When children are sexually abused by people they're told they can trust, they often don't know how to react to the abuse or what they should do.  

Worse still, people who sexually abuse children often threaten children if the children reveal the abuse. They might tell them that the child will get in trouble or that they could be taken away from their parents. This often forces children into silence.

Even when children reveal their sexual abuse to adults, adults might not believe them--either because the adults are in denial about the situation or they might have their own blind spots about sexual abuse because of their own unresolved experiences.

What is a Trigger?

Generally speaking, a trigger is an experience that brings back a previous traumatic experience.

The trigger can result from something you see, hear, smell, taste or feel (tactile). 

    Examples of Sensory Triggers

Here are some examples of sensory triggers:

• Visual Triggers: 
• You see someone who looks like the person who sexually abused you.

• You see a location that looks similar to where you were abused.

• You see a TV program, movie or a broadcast news story that reminds you of your experience.

• Sound Triggers:
• You hear a sound that is similar to what you experienced as part of your trauma (e.g., the sound of someone coming up the stairs might remind you of what you heard just before the person who abused you entered your bedroom).

• You hear a song you heard when you were being abused.

• You hear a voice that is similar to the voice of the person who abused you.

• Scent Triggers:
• You smell alcohol which is similar to the smell of the person who abused you.

• You smell cologne, which is similar to the scent of the person who abused you.

• You smell the type of food that was being cooked downstairs while you were being abused in your bedroom.

• Taste Triggers:
• You taste a particular food that is associated with your experience of sexual abuse.

• You taste a particular alcoholic drink that was given to you by the person who abused you.

• You taste a particular candy that your abuser gave you.

• Touch Triggers
• You experience a sense of touch by someone in your current life (e.g., a hug from a friend or a touch on the shoulder) that reminds you of how you were touched by the person who abused you.

• You experience a sexual touch by your partner as being similar to what you experienced with the person who abused you.

• You experience the sensation of a particular fabric that you associate with your history of abuse.

    Examples of Other Types of Triggers: A trigger can be anything. Here are just a few examples of other types of triggers:

• You feel triggered by your partner's compliments because the person who abused you would compliment you.

• You feel triggered by a stranger's gaze because the person who used to abuse you also gazed at you in the same way.

• You feel triggered when your friend gets angry with you because the person who abused you got angry with you whenever you tried to set boundaries with them.

How You Experience Triggers

Some triggers can transport you back to the original trauma in terms of bringing you back directly to that experience in the form of a flashback.

Managing Sexual Abuse Triggers

Depending upon your particular experience, you might feel like you're actually back in that memory and lose awareness of your current surroundings. Or, you might remain aware of your current surroundings, but the experience brings a strong reminder of the traumatic memories.

Other triggers might not completely bring you back to the original trauma, but you might experience the emotions related to the abuse (see my article: What Are Emotional Flashbacks?).

Coping With Guilt and Shame

Many people who were sexually abused as children are aware on an intellectual level that they were not to blame for being abused.

But, on an emotional level, they might experience guilt and shame and blame themselves for the abuse (see my articles: Overcoming Shame and Overcoming Guilt).

Coping with Shame Related to Childhood Sexual Abuse

In retrospect, you might be experiencing guilt and shame for not being able to stop the abuse (What is the Difference Between Guilt and Shame?).

You might also feel guilt and shame for experiencing physical pleasure, which is a normal bodily response--even though you didn't want the abuse to occur.

No matter what your experience of guilt and shame, you were not to blame for what happened to you.

Coping With Guilt Related to Childhood Sexual Abuse

Managing Sexual Abuse Triggers

• Getting Emotional Support From Trusted Loved Ones: If you have trusted people in your life who know and love you, you can seek emotional support from them. Just being able to talk about what happened to you, instead of keeping to yourself, can be helpful--but only if you're sure this person will be supportive.

• Practicing Grounding Techniques: Grounding techniques help you to calm yourself when you're being triggered (see my article: Grounding Techniques).

• Accessing a Supportive Part of Yourself: The sexual abuse trauma can be located within a traumatized part of yourself, but you also probably have other positive parts that can help with positive self talk to help you when you're feeling triggered.

• Seeking Help in Trauma Therapy: Supportive loved ones can be helpful, but they can't help you work through the unresolved trauma. A skilled mental health professional who is trained as a trauma therapist can help you to overcome triggers, develop a more resilient self and help you to free yourself from your traumatic history (see my article: Overcoming Your Fear of Asking For Help).

How Does Trauma Therapy Work?

Trauma therapy helps clients to process unresolved trauma (see my article: How Does Trauma Therapy Work?).

There are different types of trauma therapy including (but not limited to):

• EMDR Therapy (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing): How Does EMDR Therapy Work?

• AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Therapy): What is AEDP?

• Parts Work Therapy (Ego States Therapy and Internal Family Systems [IFS]): What is Parts Work Therapy?

• Somatic Experiencing: The Benefits of Somatic Experiencing to Overcome Trauma

• Hypnotherapy (also known as Clinical Hypnosis): What is Clinical Hypnosis?

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many clients to overcome their history of trauma so they can live more fulfilling lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Trauma Therapy: Combining EMDR Therapy and Parts Work to Overcome Emotional Blocks

As a trauma therapist, I have found it especially helpful to combine EMDR and Parts Work to help clients overcome trauma experiences.

    See my article: Parts Work Can Be Empowering)

There are many ways that EMDR and Parts Work can be used together in trauma therapy. 

In this article, I'm focusing on how the combination of Parts Work and EMDR therapy is beneficial to overcome a blocking belief.

What is a Blocking Belief in EMDR?

A blocking belief is a negative thought or belief that acts as an obstacle to integrating the trauma during trauma therapy.

Combining EMDR and Parts Work Therapy

Blocking beliefs are often longstanding. 

Often these beliefs developed during early childhood. They can originate in memories, family experiences, cultural issues, relationships or other experiences.

Examples of blocking beliefs include (but are not limited to):

• "I'm not good enough."
• "I'm unlovable." (see my article: Overcoming the Pain of Feeling Unlovable)
• "I'm powerless."
• "I don't deserve to get better."

As long as a blocking belief exists, it can get in the way of processing the trauma in any type of therapy.

I usually provide clients with psychoeducation about blocking beliefs before we begin processing the trauma because these beliefs are so common.

That's also when I talk to clients about using Parts Work therapy--either Ego States therapy or IFS (Internal Family Systems) to help overcome the blocking belief.

Combining EMDR and Parts Work to Overcome Trauma

During Parts Work therapy, I help clients to identify the various aspects of themselves, including the part that contains the blocking belief, the part of them that wants to get better and other parts that might be involved.

Once these parts are identified, the client can understand how the blocking belief is preventing them from progressing in therapy. They can also understand the positive parts of themselves that they can nurture and strengthen.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette illustrates how Parts Work can help to overcome a blocking belief in EMDR therapy:

John

John sought help in EMDR therapy to overcome complex trauma stemming from a childhood history of emotional neglect.

He was motivated to seek help in trauma therapy because he could see how his childhood history was affecting his adult relationships--both personal and work-related. 

Combining EMDR and Parts Work Therapy

In his personal life, he tended to choose partners who were hurtful and emotionally avoidant--people who were similar to his parents. 

At work, he wasn't able to assert himself to get a well deserved promotion and a raise because he lacked confidence.

His trauma therapist explained EMDR therapy to him. She also told him that during EMDR, it was common to find a blocking belief that becomes an obstacle to working through the trauma.

With his therapist's help, John identified the blocking belief, "I'm not good enough." After identifying this belief, John realized it had been an obstacle in his prior therapies. 

In the past, whenever John tried to work through his childhood trauma, he was overcome with a deep sense of shame and then he would drop out of therapy (see my article: Shame is at the Root of Most Emotional Problems).

He never understood before why he was overcome with shame to the point where he felt he had to leave therapy prematurely (see my article: Why Do Clients Leave Therapy Prematurely?).

It wasn't until his current trauma therapist helped him to identify the particular part of himself that carried this blocking belief that he began to understand why he left therapy in the past before his problems were worked through.

His current therapist helped him to give voice to this part, which John called "the sad boy." 

Using Ego States therapy, which is a type of Parts Work therapy, his therapist helped John to use the adult part of himself that felt strong and positive to show compassion and kindness to the "sad boy" part.

Over a period of time, John was able to transform the "sad boy" part so he could process his traumatic memories with EMDR therapy because he no longer had the blocking belief.

Combining EMDR and Parts Work Therapy

The work was neither quick nor easy, but John made steady progress with Parts Work therapy and EMDR and, eventually, he worked through his history of trauma so it no longer was an obstacle for him.

Conclusion

Combining EMDR therapy with Parts Work is an effective strategy for overcoming blocking beliefs.

Although I have focused on the combination of EMDR and Parts Work, Parts Work can be used in combination with any type of therapy.

Once the blocking belief part is identified, the trauma therapist helps the client to work with this part using other positive parts to transform the blocking belief so it is no longer a problem.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

Regular talk therapy usually isn't enough to help clients to overcome trauma, especially complex trauma (see my article: Why is Experiential Therapy More Effective Than Regular Talk Therapy?).

If you have been struggling with unresolved trauma, you could benefit from working with a trauma therapist who combines EMDR and Parts Work therapy.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is who is an experienced trauma therapist.

Once you have overcome your trauma history, you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work therapist, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many clients to overcome trauma (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.