Romantic Attractions: What Are the 3 Stages of Limerence?

In my prior article, Romantic Attractions: What is Limerence, Also Known As "Love At First Sight", I defined limerence and its similarities and differences to love.  In the current article, I'm focusing on the 3 Stages of Limerence.

Romantic Attractions: The 3 Stages of Limerence

As a recap: Limerence is a state of mind where someone feels infatuated or obsessed with the person they desire. This state of mind is often referred to as "love at first sight."  Limerence usually occurs during the early stage of a relationship.  Generally, it lasts anywhere from a few months to a few years for most people. It has similarities and differences with love, which you can read about in the prior article.

What Are the 3 Stages of Limerence?

• Stage 1: Infatuation: This stage occurs during the early stage of a relationship. This is the "honeymoon" phase or the stage when there's a crush. Relationship experts often refer to it as the infatuation stage.  It's often characterized by obsession, possessiveness and jealousy as well as idealization of the desired person (as opposed to a realistic perspective).

• Stage 2: Crystallization: Limerence begins to fade in this stage as the two people get to know each other. They're each beginning to get a more realistic perspective about each other.  If the two people become a couple, they face disappointments in each other as well as in other parts of life and they face challenges together. During this stage, although the perspective might be a little more realistic, they might also rationalize away individual problems as well as problems between them.  There is a strong impulse to try to maintain the earlier stage of infatuation even as it might begin to fade.  There might still be obsessive thoughts and emotions during this phase.

• Stage 3: Deterioration: This is the stage where limerence deteriorates. Deterioration can happen quickly or slowly over time depending upon the two people and the situation involved. Instead of idealizing the other person, the person is this stage sees their flaws and problems in the relationship more clearly.  Any unrealistic fantasies fade.

Clinical Vignette: The 3 Stages of Limerence

The following clinical vignette illustrates how someone can go through the 3 Stages of Limerence. As always, the vignette is a composite of many clinical cases with all identifying information removed.

Alice

When Alice met Rick, she had not been in a relationship for three years.  Her last relationship ended badly after she found out her boyfriend was cheating on her.  

After that relationship ended, she was in despair because she wanted to get married and have children and, since she was in her mid-30s, she was concerned about her age.

She met Rick on a dating app and she liked that he wanted to meet her after a few texts.  So many of the other men she texted with on these dating sites seemed fearful of meeting in person.

From the moment she met Rick, she felt immediately drawn to him.  She found him very handsome, intelligent, charming and funny.  

After their first date, Alice couldn't stop thinking about Rick.  He texted her everyday and called her several times that first week.  He showered her with so many compliments and gifts that her close friends warned her that she was being love bombed, but Alice ignored them (see my article: 10 Signs You're Being Love Bombed).

After the first week, they were spending 3-4 days together even though they were busy with work and other commitments.  

Alice was so infatuated with Rick that she only wanted to spend time with him instead of spending time with her friends.  Rick also told her that his friends were complaining that he didn't hang out with them anymore, but he said he didn't care--he only wanted to be with her.

Sex was passionate between them. Alice never felt as free sexually as she felt with Rick. He introduced her to sexual role play and kinky sex, which she loved.

During that time, they agreed to be exclusive with each other, so they both got off the dating app.  By then, Alice was obsessed with Rick.  When her close friends suggested that she slow down, Alice ignored them.  

When Alice's old college buddy, Mike, contacted her to say he would be in town and he would love to see her, she told Rick about it.  He became jealous and angry.  Even after she tried to reassure Rick that her friendship with Mike had always been strictly platonic, Rick told her that he didn't want her to see Mike. 

Alice thought Rick's possessiveness and jealousy meant he loved her.  And, since she didn't want to do anything to jeopardize her relationship with Rick, she told Mike she would be out of town and she couldn't see him.  

Once again, Alice's friends warned her she was confusing jealousy and possessiveness for love, but she didn't pay attention to their warnings.

Shortly after that, Alice and Rick were in an Indian restaurant and she was surprised to see how rude Rick was to the waiter.  After the waiter left, Rick mumbled a racial slur under his breath--something Alice had never seen him do before.

Although she didn't like Rick's rudeness and she felt somewhat disheartened, Alice rationalized his behavior away by telling herself that he was tired and he didn't realize how he was behaving. But it continued to bother her.

By then, Rick wasn't texting and calling her as much.  He told her he had to stay at work late and his weekends were taken up by a special project he was working on.  

But Alice's best friend saw Rick holding hands with another woman in a restaurant on a Saturday night when he told Alice he was at work.

Romantic Attractions: The 3 Stages of Limerence

When Alice heard about Rick being with another woman, she was shocked.  She couldn't believe he would lie to her this way.  

She called Rick repeatedly the same day she heard about the other woman, but he didn't return her calls.  A few days later, Rick contacted her in a short text admitting he lied about being busy at work. 

He rationalized it by writing he didn't want to hurt her feelings.  He also told her he was no longer interested in seeing her anymore because he was head-over-heels about this other woman.

After that text, Rick didn't respond to any more of Alice's texts and eventually she realized he blocked her on his phone.

Shortly after her last contact with Rick, Alice began therapy to try to understand why she kept choosing men who hurt her (see my article: Choosing Healthier Relationships).

Conclusion

The vignette about Alice discusses the 3 Stages of Limerence from Infatuation to Deterioration.  

Alice was particularly vulnerable at that time because it had been a long time since she had been in a relationship, her last relationship was so disappointing, she wanted to get married and have children and she was concerned about her age.

During the Infatuation Stage, she was obsessed with thoughts of Rick and couldn't get enough of him. She ignored the red flags that her friends could see clearly, and she also ignored her friends' warnings (see my article: Do Your Friends See "Red Flags" About Your Relationship That You're Not Seeing?).

During the Crystallization Stage, she began to see flaws in Rick, but she remained ambivalent.  Although she saw these flaws, she rationalized them away by making excuses for him.

The Deterioration Stage came abruptly crashing down on Alice after her friend told her that Rick was cheating on her, he admitted cheating by text, told Alice that he only wanted to see this other woman and eventually blocked her from his phone.

Her illusions were crushed and she had no choice but to admit to herself she was making poor choices when it came to the men she dated.  

She also realized she needed help in therapy to deal with this problem. 

In therapy, her therapist could help her to identify the unconscious issues and blind spots related to her early history and help her to make better choices (see my article: Unhealthy Relationships: Bad Luck or Poor Choices?).

Next Article: Can Limerence Turn Into Love?

In the vignette about Alice, her relationship with Rick never developed beyond the limerence.  In the next article, I'll discuss what happens when limerence turns into love.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

Romantic Attractions: What is Limerence (Also Known As Infatuation)?

Dorothy Tennov, Ph.D., coined the term "limerence" to describe the early stage of a romantic relationship.  She wrote about her research findings in her 1979 book, Love and Limerence: The Early Experience of Being in Love.

What is Limerence?

Limerence is a state of mind where someone is infatuated or obsessed with the person they desire.  It's often an involuntary state where someone has a strong desire to be with that person.  

Romantic Attractions: Limerence

Limerence usually occurs during the early stage of an attraction.  Generally speaking, limerence often lasts anywhere from a few months and a few years.  There can be individual variation.

Depending upon the individual and the circumstances, limerence can be categorized by either euphoric feelings or feelings of despair.

Limerence is also described as "love at first sight," although there is a difference between love and limerence, which I'll explain in a bit.

Romantic Attractions: Limerence

During the early stage of two people getting to know each other, limerence is often characterized by one or both people craving each other when they're apart. 

They want to spend more time together, be more affectionate and, if they're sexual, have more sex. One or both of them feel like they can't get enough of each other.

How is Limerence Different From Love?

The difference between love and limerence can be confusing because they look similar.

Similarities Between Love and Limerence

Both love and limerence start out with a dopamine rush.  

But limerence is relatively short-lived and conditional.  

Limerence can disappear if the person isn't getting what they want from the other person. 

For instance, if the other person isn't able to spend as much time with them as they want or if the other person doesn't express affection to them in the way they want or as often as they want, limerence can disappear.  

When the person in the limerence state doesn't get their needs gratified, they can feel like a bubble has burst.

Differences Between Love and Limerence

During the limerence phase, a person often idealizes the person they're infatuated with and focuses mostly on the other person's positive qualities and might overlook their problems (see my article: Relationships: The Ideal vs the Real).

Love is more fluid and less conditional.  Whereas limerence can make a person feel like their head is in the clouds, love is much more grounded.  Instead of being focused on what the other person can give them, they want the other person to be happy.  

Love goes beyond a superficial attraction. There is a deeper connection and an emotional vulnerability as two people get to know each other.  Over time, they experience life together and ride the waves of life's many challenges together.

To summarize the differences: Whereas love is based on rootedness, emotional connection, intimacy and it's reality based, limerence is based on infatuation, idealization, obsession, possession, conditions, jealousy and unrealistic expectations.  

Next Article: The 3 Phases of Limerence

I'll continue to discuss limerence in my next article which will focus on the three phases of limerence: Romantic Attractions: The 3 Phases of Limerence.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How to Stop People Pleasing So You Can Reduce Your Anxiety and Increase Your Pleasure in the Bedroom

People pleasing, which is also known by the term "fawning," is often a trauma response (see my article: Trauma and the Fawn Response: People Pleasing to Avoid or Diffuse Conflict).

People who focus on pleasing others, to the detriment of their own emotional needs, often don't even realize they're doing it because it's such an ingrained trauma response from early in their life. 

How to Stop People Pleasing to Reduce Your Sexual Anxiety

They learned to focus on other people's needs to ward off conflict in family dynamics and to try to shore up dysfunctional family dynamics (see my article: Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families and People Pleasing).

As children, these people would extend themselves emotionally beyond what they were developmentally capable of doing, but they tried to do it anyway (see my article: Children's Roles in Dysfunctional Families).

A key component of the people pleasing involves feeling unlovable.  

Examples of Children Who Who Were People Pleasers 

The list below includes just a few examples of children who were people pleasers and who over-functioned in their family.

Children who were people pleasers in their family often:

• Became their parents' confidants at a young age (see my article: Role Reversal in Families)

• Believed they had to take on the family problems in order to be liked or loved

• Believed the family wouldn't survive unless they became people pleasers

• Became perfectionists (see my article: Overcoming Perfectionism)

• Were scapegoated in the family, or

• Became overachievers and the family hero in an effort to please depressed, anxious or traumatized parents

• Became pseudo-independent (i.e., they believed, erroneously, that they didn't need help or emotional support because they could take care of themselves--even though they were children

• Sacrificed their own emotional needs for their parents and other family members

• Emotionally numbed themselves to their own needs

• Agreed to do things they didn't want to do and lost touch with what they wanted and needed

• Were physically, emotionally or sexually abused or neglected

• Carried the family burden of shame

And so on.

People Pleasing Children Become People Pleasing Adults

Unfortunately, people pleasing (or fawning) doesn't stop when children become adults, and these behaviors often carry over into sexual activities so that sex becomes solely performative rather than being pleasurable to them.

How to Stop People Pleasing to Reduce Your Sexual Anxiety

Usually people with this problem are so hyper-focused on their partner's pleasure that they don't pay attention to their own sexual pleasure.  

This creates performance anxiety because they're worried about whether they're pleasing their partner.  The result is that they can become cut off from their own emotions and bodily sensations so they don't enjoy sex (see my article: What is Sexual Anxiety?).

Sexual People Pleasing and Performance Anxiety

Sexual people pleasing often occurs when people are willing to do whatever they think their partner might like--even if it's not what they want or it has a detrimental effect for them--so their sexual partner will like or love them.  

This creates performance anxiety for both men and women which can result in:

• Worry or fear before, during or after sex

• Negative thoughts or emotions about sex

• Negative thoughts about their body image

• Spectatoring (self consciously monitoring and critiquing their own behavior in bed)

• Unrealistic expectations related to sex, especially with regard to their own sexual "performance"

• A disconnect between their mind and body (see my article: The Mind-Body Connection: The Body Offers a Window Into the Unconscious Mind)

• A lack of sexual pleasure in a relationship or during sexual hookups

• Faking orgasms
  

• Erectile dysfunction

• Anorgasmia (delayed, infrequent, less intense or absence of sexual orgasms)

• Painful sex

How to Overcome People Pleasing in the Bedroom

Depending upon the specific problems involved, overcoming sexual people pleasing often involves different interventions, including medical treatment to deal with possible physical problems or rule out medical issues, trauma therapy and sex therapy.

• Medical Issues: If there is a physical component to the sexual problem, like painful sex or erectile dysfunction, possible medical problems should be ruled out first.  For instance, many women assume that painful sex is solely the result of anxiety.  However, although anxiety might be an important part of the problem, it's also possible that there might be medical issues that contribute to the problem--like pelvic floor problems, which must be diagnosed by a medical doctor and often requires the assistance of a physical therapist who is a pelvic floor specialist.

Seeking Medical Help to Rule Out Physical Problems

• Trauma Therapy: Since people pleasing is often a longstanding problem that originated in childhood, there is often unresolved trauma that needs to be worked through in trauma therapy. A mind-body oriented therapy, like EMDR therapy, Somatic Experiencing , AEDP and Parts Work/Ego States Therapy is often helpful to bring about increased bodily awareness and work through trauma.  See my articles:

• What is Trauma Therapy?

• What is Complex Trauma?

• Sex Therapy: Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy for individual adults and couples with no physical exam, nudity or sex during therapy sessions. Performance anxiety is a common issue that sex therapists help clients to overcome.  See my articles:

• What is Sex Therapy?
  

• What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?

• What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?

How to Overcome Your Fear of Getting Help

If you feel fearful and ashamed to get help for trauma-related sexual problems, recognize that you're not alone.  Many people have similar problems.  In fact, these problems are common.

You can start by finding a licensed mental health professional who addresses both trauma and sex therapy.  Therapists who specialize in both areas can be difficult to find, but you can use a therapist directory to locate someone in your area.

Getting Help From a Sex Therapist Who Specializes in Trauma

If you're already in therapy, you can find an adjunct therapist who specializes in trauma and sex therapy to collaborate with your therapist so you get the help you need.

Make sure the therapist is a licensed mental health professional, which is different from a coach or mentor.

Start by asking for a consultation so you can get a sense of whether you feel comfortable with a therapist (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Be aware that it can take time to develop a therapeutic relationship with a therapist, so be patient.

Once you have worked through your trauma-related sexual problems, you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

As a trauma and sex therapist, I have helped many individuals and couples to overcome trauma-related sexual problems.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

    

Faking Orgasms Can Ruin Your Relationship

In a 2019 research study by Indiana University, researchers discovered that 58% of women admitted to faking an orgasm at some point.  However, it's interesting to also note that the vast majority of those women reported that they no longer fake orgasms.  

Faking an Orgasm Can Ruin Your Relationship

These findings raise interesting questions as to why women felt the need to fake orgasms in the first place and why many of these women stopped.

Why Do Women Fake Orgasms?

Women cited many reasons why they faked orgasms, including because they wanted:

• To make their partner feel better
• To prevent a partner they liked from feeling bad about sex
• To end sex because they were tired

Why Did Many of These Women Stop Faking Orgasms?

Women reported that they stopped faking orgasms because they now feel:

• More confident in themselves and their identity as women
• More comfortable with sex
• Secure enough in their relationship that they no longer feel the need to fake it

How Can Faking Orgasms Ruin Your Relationship?

There are many reasons why faking orgasms on an ongoing basis can be detrimental to your relationship:

• It's Dishonest: Faking orgasms is a form of deception. That might not be a woman's intention, but it's still a lie.

• It Creates a Barrier to Emotional Intimacy: When there is a lie between you and your partner, this creates an obstacle to emotional intimacy. Even if the partner doesn't know about the lie, the woman knows and this often makes her feel guilty and ashamed, which is a barrier to emotional intimacy (see my article: Vulnerability as a Pathway to Greater Emotional Intimacy).

• Sex Won't Get Better: If a woman's partner thinks the woman is having orgasms, there's no reason to make changes in the sex script to improve sex. That means that if the woman isn't experiencing satisfying sex, the sex will remain unsatisfying.

What to Do If You Want to Stop Faking Orgasms

• Stop Pretending You're Enjoying Sex That's Not Pleasurable to You: This decision is up to you. Both of you deserve to have pleasurable sex and, if you've been faking orgasms, you're not giving yourself to a chance to have good sex and your partner thinks you're enjoying sex when you're not. Once you stop faking, your partner is likely to ask questions and this would be an opportunity for you to get honest.

• Have an Open and Honest Conversation With Your Partner: Once again, this is your choice. You can continue faking orgasms, and nothing will change, which means that you'll continue to have less than satisfying sex. Or, if you decide you want to stop faking, you can get honest with yourself and your partner. Sure, it will be hard and somewhat humiliating to admit you've been faking it, but after you get over the embarrassment and your partner gets over their reaction, there's a chance to improve your sex life and your relationship (see my article: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2).

• Talk to Your Partner About Making Changes to Your Sex Script: Instead of remaining stuck in a sexual rut, talk to your partner about your sexual turn-ons as well as your turn-offs. Then, ask your partner about their turn-ons and turn-offs. There's a possibility that your partner might feel badly about doing things sexually that actually turned you off, but if you're in a otherwise stable relationship, there's also a chance the two of you can work things out so you can improve your communication going forward and sex will be more satisfying for both of you (see my article: Changing Your Sex Script).

• Seek Help in Sex Therapy: Two of the most common problems that bring couples to sex therapy is unsatisfying sex and discrepant sexual desire. When you get help from a sex therapist, you and your partner can learn to get comfortable with talking about sex and discovering new ways to improve your sex life.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is talk therapy (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

There is no nudity, physical exams or sex during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

As mentioned above, there are many reasons to seek help from a skilled sex therapist (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?)

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help in sex therapy so you can have a more fulfilling sex life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

Reparenting Yourself: How to Become a Good Enough Parent to Yourself

Unfortunately, everyone didn't get good enough parenting when they were children.  

Good enough parenting usually leads to secure attachment, but it's estimated that only 50% of people have secure attachment and the other 50% experience insecure attachment (see my article: What Are Attachment Styles?).

Becoming a Good Enough Parent to Yourself

If you didn't get good enough parenting, chances are that one or both of your parents probably didn't get it either.  

How to Become a Good Enough Parent to Yourself

Childhood emotional neglect and abuse are much more common than most people realize.  

Childhood emotional neglect and abuse often lead to attachment-related problems later in life with adult romantic relationships (see my article:  How Unresolved Trauma Affects Your Ability to Be Emotionally Vulnerable in a Romantic Relationship).

So, if you didn't get the parenting you needed as a child, reparenting yourself as an adult with love and self compassion is essential to emotional healing.  It will help you to build a strong sense of self esteem and self worth.

The Role of Self Compassion

Children who grew up without good enough parenting are often hard on themselves as children and adults.  If they had critical and shaming parents, these children internalize those characteristics in an unconscious way.

How to Become a Good Enough Parent to Yourself

This is why self compassion is so important.  For these people to heal, they need to learn to give themselves the compassion they didn't get as children.  This can be difficult to learn, especially if there's a part of them that feels they don't deserve it (see my article: Overcoming the Emotional Pain of Feeling Unlovable).

Accessing a Self Compassionate Part of Yourself

Parts Work, also known as Ego States Therapy, was originally developed by psychotherapists John and Helen Watkins in the 1970s. They specialized in hypnotherapy.

Part of the work for individuals who were traumatized is learning to access a compassionate part of themselves (see my article: How Parts Work Therapy Can Empower You).

This is often difficult for people who were traumatized to do on their own, so participating in experiential therapy is one way to learn to access and develop the self compassionate part (see my article: Understanding the Different Parts of Yourself).

One way to do Parts Work in experiential therapy is for the therapist to help the client, as an adult, to imagine looking at their younger self who was traumatized so the two parts can have a dialog with each other.

This dialog often involves the adult self asking the younger self what they need emotionally.  In other words, the adult self is in the role of a parent soothing the traumatized younger self.

Then, the adult self gives the child what they need, which is usually a hug or hearing that they're lovable and so on.  All of this is done in the client's imagination in experiential therapy.

Parts Work helps the younger part, who holds the trauma, to receive the loving and compassionate parenting they didn't receive earlier.  

This back and forth dialog also helps to weave together a more integrated experience as the traumatized younger self and the adult self heal together emotionally.

Imagining a Compassionate Other

If it's too difficult to access a self compassionate part, clients in experiential therapy can start by imagining how a compassionate or nurturing person might feel and behave towards their younger self. 

How to Become a Good Enough Parent to Yourself

They can imagine what that person might have said to them when they were children that would have felt loving and kind. Or, they can imagine the loving gestures that this compassionate person might have made to them that would have communicated how much they cared for them.

If someone can't think of anyone in their real life either from the past or from the present, they can imagine someone from a book, a story, a movie or some other imaginary person.

Whether this person is someone they know in real life or someone imaginary, this would be considered an internal resource in the form of an imaginal interweave in experiential therapy (see my article: Experiential Psychotherapy and the Mind-Body Connection: The Body Offers a Window Into the Unconscious Mind).

Talk Therapy Isn't Enough to Resolve Trauma

Regular talk therapy can be effective for many psychological problems, but it's usually not as effective as experiential therapy for trauma because it tends to be intellectual (see my article: Why Experiential Therapy is More Effective Than Talk Therapy to Resolve Trauma).

Clients who attend talk therapy can develop intellectual insight into their problems, but their problems often remain unresolved.

Experiential therapy, like EMDR, Somatic Experiencing, AEDP, hypnotherapy and Parts Work, use the mind-body connection to work through trauma.  

Experiential therapy helps clients to resolve trauma on an emotional level using the mind-body connection.  This is important because the resolution of trauma happens on an emotional level--not on an intellectual level.

Getting Help in Experiential Therapy

If you didn't get good enough parenting as a child, you can learn to reparent yourself in a nurturing way with the help of an experiential therapist.

A skilled experiential therapist can help you to access the internal resources you possess so that you can heal from your childhood trauma.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help in experiential therapy so you can overcome trauma and live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

Relationships: Confusing Love With Longing

Confusing love and longing is a common problem for many people.  And it's no wonder: We're bombarded with damaging cultural messages that longing is love and love is longing in songs, movies, TV programs and social media.

Confusing Love With Longing: A Traumatic Childhood History of Emotional Neglect

Aside from damaging cultural messages, a traumatic childhood history of emotional neglect can lead to confusing love and longing (see my article: What is Childhood Emotional Neglect?).

Confusing Love With Longing

Wanting to be loved is normal.  It's every child's birthright to be loved for who they are and not based on conditional love for accomplishments (see my article: The Connection Between Conditional Love, Perfection and Shame).

But if you grew up in a family where you were emotionally neglected, this can set you up to be in a perpetual state of longing for love (see my article: Growing Up Feeling Unlovable and Emotionally Invalidated).

Longing becomes the template for love so that you might unconsciously choose people who are emotionally unavailable to replicate your early childhood experience. 

Confusing Love With Longing: Nothing is Ever Enough

Even if the people you chose are emotionally available, you might still feel emotionally deprived because it feels like it's not enough.  For many people, who experienced childhood emotional neglect, nothing is ever enough.

The feeling that nothing is ever enough occurs when you grew up, as an adult, you're looking for someone else to fill in the emotional void that was created in your childhood. 

But, unless you grieve and heal in therapy for what you didn't get as a child, whatever love you do get as an adult won't be enough to make up the childhood emotional neglect.

Under these circumstances, even if the person you love is emotionally available, you might experience your partner as if they're not available (see my article: What is the Connection Between Childhood Emotional Neglect and Adult Romantic Relationships?).

No matter how much time they give you or how much they do for you, you feel it's never enough because the emotional void is still there from your childhood experience.  This can leave you in a state of perpetual dissatisfaction (see my article: How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship).

When you're confusing love and longing, without realizing it, you can "test" your partner by creating situations where you expect more and more and they always come up short.

Confusing Love With Longing

For instance, if you're in a relationship and partner is available to see you twice a week, you might demand even more time from them with the unconscious thought that if they really love you, they'll find a way to spend more time with you.  

But even if your partner, who is very busy, finds a way to spend more time with you, it's still not enough.  You come up with other ways to "test" how much they care for you which makes it increasingly difficult for your partner.

You come up with other demands that are difficult or impossible to meet, and when your partner can't meet your demands, you say to yourself, "Aha! I knew it! She doesn't love me!" as if you found the proof of what you feared all along.

This can also confirm what you might have unconsciously believed about yourself since childhood--that you're an unlovable person (see my article: Overcoming the Pain of Feeling Unlovable).

Conversely, if you fall in love with someone who is emotionally available and gives you the time and attention you want, you might lose interest in them because longing equals love for you and you're no longer longing for them because you have them.

This is a setup for a no-win situation where you never feel fulfilled because your childhood trauma is getting played out in your current situation and your lack of emotional fulfillment is tied to your past (see my article: Reacting to the Present Based on Your Traumatic Experiences From Your Past).

Clinical Vignette - Relationships: Confusing Love and Longing

The following scenario, which is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information removed to protect confidentiality, illustrates how confusing love and longing in an adult romantic relationship can be resolved with trauma therapy.

Ed

Ed, who was in his mid-30s, sought help in trauma therapy because he was confused about his feelings for his girlfriend Patty.  

Within weeks of meeting her, Ed fell head over heels for Patty, but he wasn't sure how she really felt for him--even though she told him that she really liked him.

They spent a lot of time together, but then Patty, who was a journalist, was given an assignment in London for two weeks.  

She assured Ed that she would stay in touch with him as much as possible considering the time difference between New York and London.  She also said she wanted to get together with him soon after she returned.

Despite her assurances, Ed felt anxious and sad while she was away.  He felt so obsessed about her that he couldn't get her out of his mind.  

With each passing day, he missed her more and he felt like he wouldn't be able endure her absence.  The more he missed her, the more he longed for her.  And the more he longed for her, the more he felt he loved her.  

At first, Patty was flattered when Ed told her how much he missed her.  But as he continued to dwell on his longing in their long distance telephone conversations, Patty began to feel uneasy.  She thought to herself:  We've only known each other a short time.  How could he have developed such strong feelings for me so quickly?

Patty had dinner with Ed the night after she returned from London.  She was jet lagged from her trip and Ed interpreted her tiredness as a lack of interest in him--even though she reassured him that she really liked him.

Soon after that, Ed began making more demands on Patty's time.  In response, she told Ed that she wanted to spend time with him, but she was working on a demanding project which required a lot of extra time, so she couldn't see him more than twice a week.

This created a lot of anxiety, doubt and confusion for Ed.  He could barely stand it as he waited to see Patty between dates.  Then, it occurred to him that the problem could be resolved if she moved in with him because then they could be together all the time. 

Much to his disappointment, Patty didn't respond well to this suggestion. She told him that they needed to get to know each other better and it was too soon for them to move in together.

After a while, Patty felt burdened by Ed's emotional demands, and she told him that they should take a break to get some perspective on their relationship.  

She knew about Ed's childhood trauma and she suggested he get help in trauma therapy (see my article:  What is a Trauma Therapist?).

This is what brought Ed into trauma therapy.  

His trauma therapist did a full assessment on Ed's family history and she told him that his traumatic childhood experiences were having an impact on his relationship with Patty.  She explained how Ed was confusing love with longing, but he didn't understand the connection between love and longing at that point in his therapy.

In the initial stage of therapy, his therapist talked to Ed about EMDR therapy (see my article: How EMDR Therapy Works: EMDR and the Brain).

She also helped him to develop the internal resources to be able to process his early childhood memories of emotional neglect.

During that time, Patty contacted him and told him that she wanted to get together with him so they could talk.  Ed was elated.  

During their dinner, Patty told him that she was happy he was getting help in trauma therapy.  She also told him that she was being transferred to a less demanding job at her newspaper, which she had applied for before she met Ed.  This meant she would be more available to see Ed.

At first, Ed was ecstatic that he could see Patty more often.  But as they spent more time together, he became less interested in Patty.  Even though nothing had changed between them, he felt bored and restless.  He also wondered if he even wanted to be with her anymore.

When Ed discussed this with his therapist, he realized he was no longer longing to be with Patty because she was available and he was spending a lot of time with her.

He also realized that, since nothing else had changed, he now understood what his therapist meant when she told him that he was confusing love and longing.

This frightened Ed because he wondered if he could ever be in love with an emotionally available partner like Patty. He worried he would never be in a fulfilling, loving relationship if he needed to long for his partner.

During the next several months, Ed and his therapist processed his early childhood experiences of being emotionally neglected.  Although it was difficult to process these traumatic memories, Ed felt an emotional burden being lifted from him.

During that time, Ed also learned to separate love and longing in his relationship with Patty. 

As he worked through his early trauma of emotional neglect, he developed a less emotionally dependent, more genuine way of loving her that wasn't based on emotional deprivation.

Working on Unresolved Early Trauma in Therapy

As mentioned earlier, confusing love with longing is usually rooted in traumatic experiences of being emotionally neglected.

Confusing Love With Longing

There are specific types of trauma therapy that are helpful to work through early trauma, including EMDR, AEDP, and Somatic Experiencing.

Getting Help in Therapy

If early traumatic experiences have created an obstacle to developing a healthy adult relationship, you could benefit from working with a trauma therapist.

A skilled trauma therapist can help you to work through traumatic experiences so you can free yourself from your traumatic history, develop healthier relationships, and lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a trauma therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW.- NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.