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Monday, December 26, 2022

Kinky Sex: What is Cuckolding?

In my previous article, What is Kinky Sex?, I began a discussion about kinks and kinky sex, including a brief explanation of cuckolding.  

Kinky Sex: Cuckolding

In the current article, I'm taking a more in-depth look at cuckolding, which is a particular type of threesome.

Even though there are many people who engage in cuckolding as part of kinky sex, it's a sexual activity that many others don't know about. 

What is the Historical Meaning of a "Cuckold"?
Historically the term "cuckold" goes back to at least the 16th century.

Back then, a cuckold was an unwitting heterosexual man betrayed by his wife, who was having sex with another man. 

To be a cuckold back then was shameful, and the cuckold was looked down upon as a fool.

What is the Current Use of the Terms "Cuckold," "Cuck" or "Cuckolding"?
The current use of "cuck," "cuckold," and "cuckolding" is is now associated with anyone who is fully aware and enjoys seeing a partner having consensual sex with someone else.  

Similarly, the significant other and the third party are also fully aware of the circumstances, which are consensual and worked out in advanced.

As previously mentioned, cuckolding is usually a particular type of threesome.

In addition, this kink can be practiced by heterosexuals, gay men, lesbians, bisexuals, and trans men and women, so it's no longer viewed as a sexual activity limited to heterosexuals.

Cuckolding as a Contemporary Fetish or Kink
Cuckolding is a contemporary consensual fetish or kink in which someone gets turned on by watching their partner have consensual sex with someone else (see my article: What is Sexual Consent?).

When the sexual activity involves a person watching a partner having sex with another person, the person watching is the "cuckold" or "cuck," and the third party who is having sex with the other partner is called the "bull."  

Cuckolding as a Sexual Fantasy
Cuckolding remains a sexual fantasy for many people which they don't actually want to do in real life.

Kinky Sex: Cuckolding

Sometimes cuckolding remains a fantasy because, like many other sexual fantasies, fantasizing about it is enough for sexual arousal without enacting it.

Some people, who like to fantasize about cuckolding, don't share their fantasy with their partner.  They want to keep it as their personal fantasy and use it for solo sex (masturbation).

Other times, cuckolding often remains a fantasy because the partner, who gets turned on by it, is either too ashamed to talk to their partner about it or knows cuckolding would be a turn-off for their partner.

The Hidden Nature of Cuckolding 
Couples who engage in cuckolding might be part of a kink or fetish community, but they usually keep their kink hidden from most other people outside that community because they don't want to be judged, shamed or have it used against them.

Even though cuckolding is more common than it used to be and it's not against the law between consenting adults, there's still the potential risk that it could be used against a couple by unscrupulous people in child custody cases, career matters and in other circumstances. The potential risk is similar to revealing other kinks and fetishes.

Why Do People Get Turned On By Watching Their Partners Have Sex With Others?
Kinks and fetishes are personal preferences and choices.

One person's sexual turn-on is another person's turn-off (see my article: Don't Yuk Anybody's Yum).

Like many other sexual kinks and fetishes, cuckolding fascinates many people for the following reasons: 
  • The Excitement of Breaking the Rules of Conventional Monogamy: What is perceived as sexually forbidden in conventional society is exciting to many people. And the feeling that cuckolding "breaks the rules" of conventional monogamy gives many people an adrenaline rush (see my article: A Cornerstone of Eroticism: Violating Prohibitions By Breaking the Rules).
  • Masochism Through Consensual Humiliation: The cuck usually finds it exciting to give up power and watch their partner have sex with someone else. This is a form of consensual humiliation for the cuck. In addition, when it's a man watching his female partner having sex with a third party, the third party is often younger, better looking, stronger or, if he is a man, has a bigger penis.  All of this is a form of humiliation. As a result, this aspect of cuckolding is in the masochistic realm of sadomasochism for the cuck. The humiliation, which is usually negotiated in advance, can take the form of the other man making derogatory remarks about the cuckold's penis by telling him that he has a "small dick." Another example is when everyone involved agrees in advance that the female partner might say she's experiencing "the best sex" of her life while she's having sex with the other man, which is another form of humiliation and, therefore, masochistic for the cuck.
  • Sadism and Masochism Through Consensual Humiliation: In certain instances, the cuck might be sadistic towards the partner. For instance, with consensual agreement from everyone involved, the partner might act as if he is "degrading" the woman by "pimping her out" to another man.  In that case, the cuck derives pleasure from playing the part of a sadistic partner who is "punishing" his partner.  The woman derives sexual pleasure from playing the role of degraded partner, which is masochistic.  Sometimes the cuck is present in the room where the "bull" is having sex with the third party.  Other times the cuck chooses to be in another room listening to the other two having sex--another example of masochism.
  • The Consensual Voyeuristic and Exhibitionistic Nature of Cuckolding: Cuckolding also involves consensual voyeurism by the person watching and consensual exhibitionism by the two people having sex.  This isn't illegal voyeurism and exhibitionism, which involves nonconsensual acts.  
  • The Partner Having Sex Feels Sexually Desirable: The partner who is having sex with the third party usually feels sexually desirable, which makes cuckolding exciting for person who is the center of attention.  As an example: With a heterosexual couple, where the man is the cuck, the woman is the focus of two people's sexual desire-- the man she's having sex with and her partner who is watching her with sexual pleasure. This is a similar dynamic to being the object of desire in other types of threesomes, and it can help to increase the woman's sexual self esteem).
Cuckolding is Not Limited By Sex, Gender or Sexual Orientation
As previously mentioned, cuckolding is a particular type of threesome.  

As a reminder: Even though I've given examples of heterosexual sex for the sake of simplicity in this article, in reality, cuckolding can be practiced by anyone regardless of sex, gender or sexual orientation.  

This includes situations where heterosexual or gay couples seek bisexual partners (see my article: What is a Unicorn in a Nonmonogamous Relationship?).

Next Article
In my next article I'll discuss how people transition from experiencing cuckolding as a sexual fantasy to doing it in real life and how they go about it safely and responsibly for everyone involved.


When Should You Seek Help in Sex Therapy?
Sex therapy is a form of psychotherapy, also known as talk therapy, where the therapist is a specialist who is trained to help individuals and couples with sexual issues.

There is no physical exam, no nudity and no touching during sex therapy (see my article: Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy).

Clients in regular talk therapy are usually unaware that most licensed psychotherapists get no training in sex therapy--even therapists who attend regular postgraduate training programs and therapists who train as couples therapists.

If you're shocked by this, I'm not surprised.  

You would think that licensed psychotherapists, medical doctors and other healthcare practitioners would get in-depth training in such an important area in clients' lives.  But they don't.

So most psychotherapists and couples therapists, who aren't trained in modern sex therapy, usually might not know how to help you with sexual issues. Under these circumstances, an ethical psychotherapist or couples therapist will refer you to a sex therapist.

You should seek help in sex therapy if you or your partner have sexual problems you have been unable to work out on your own.  

With regard to cuckolding, fetishes, and other types of kinky sex, if you or your partner experience regret, anger, resentment or if things didn't go well in other ways, seek help from a modern sex therapist who is knowledgeable about kink.

Don't wait until your problems spiral out of control to get help.  

Seek help as soon as you and your partner realize there is a problem because working on a problem sooner is better than waiting until it gets worse.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a modern sex therapist who works with individuals and couples in a  nonjudgmental way (see my article: What is Modern Sex Therapy?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

















Sunday, December 25, 2022

What is Compersion in Consensual Nonmonogamous Relationships?

What is Compersion?
Compersion is wholehearted participation in the happiness of others.  

Compersion is the opposite of jealousy.

It's possible for you to experience compersion in any type of relationship or with any group of people.

Compersion: Wholehearted Participation in the Happiness of Others


Where Did the Word Compersion Come From?
The Sanskrit word called mudita goes back at least 2,500 years. We don't have an exact translation for mudita in English. The closest translation is sympathetic joy.  

The word compersion is a word that was specifically coined for polyamory in a polyamorous community in San Francisco, CA.

How Does Compersion Relate to Consensual Nonmonogamous Relationships
Experiencing compersion in a consensual nonmonogamous relationship means you're genuinely happy for your partner's joy in other romantic or sexual relationships that you have both consented to in advance.

Compersion and Consensual Nonmonogamous Relationships


Those who have developed the ability to feel compersion in their relationships say that compersion occurs when you can let go of your insecurities and projections and work on experiencing compersion.

There are some people who identify themselves as being naturally polyamorous and compersion comes more easily to them.  They usually don't have many of the same challenges that other people have with jealous.

Most other people, who have successfully developed compersion, had to work on it to develop this ability. 

In addition to developing compersion, they had to work on becoming autonomous individuals in their relationship(s).

What Does It Mean to Be An Autonomous Individual in Relationship(s)?
Being an autonomous individual in a relationship means that:
  • You have self awareness and you have a strong sense of what you think, feel and want.
  • You appreciate your individuality even when you're in a relationship.
  • You have your own beliefs and your own path that you're following.
  • You're able to express to your partner(s) what you feel.
  • You're able to tolerate hearing what your partner feels without falling apart emotionally--even if your partner tells you something you don't want to hear.
  • You maintain your social support network, including your close friends and loved ones.
  • You maintain and develop your own individual interests and hobbies which are separate from your romantic and sexual relationship(s).
  • You're able to self soothe and take care of yourself when things aren't going well for you.
  • You appreciate alone time without feeling lonely or isolated.
  • You encourage your partner(s) to pursue their own interests and hobbies without you.
How Does Being an Autonomous Individual Relate to Compersion?
Compersion is a radical idea that not everyone can or wants to achieve, especially when it comes to being in a non-traditional relationship, like a consensual nonmonogamous or polyamorous relationship, or engaging in certain forms of kinky sex like threesomes where you and your partner(s) get involved with people outside your relationship(s).

Before you engage in a consensual nonmonogamy or in kinky sex, like threesomes or cuckolding, you need to be honest with yourself and with your partner(s) as to whether these choices are right for you.

Some people just know whether consensual nonmonogamy and kinky sex are right for them and others try it to find out if it's the right choice.

Special Challenges: Unresolved Abandonment Issues and an Anxious Attachment Style
Many people who are anxious, insecure, who have unresolved childhood trauma, including fear of abandonment or an anxious attachment style , have a great deal of difficulty being polyamorous, consensually nonmonogamous or engaging in certain types of kinky sex with others because it's too psychologically triggering for them.

Although more people are trying consensual nonmonogamy, the vast majority of people still want to be in monogamous relationships. So, even if you don't have a history of trauma, you might not want to explore these alternative relationships, and that's okay.  

Are You Considering Opening Up Your Relationship?
Jealousy is a normal emotion, so even if you're actively working on compersion because you and your partner(s) want to open up your relationship or you both want to try certain forms of kinky sex that involve other people, you'll probably experience some jealousy.  It's a matter of degree.

Many people who decide to open up their relationship have worked through issues of jealousy to achieve compersion, so it is possible.

There are also some people who aren't really jealous.  They probably have the easiest time with feeling compersion for their partners because jealousy doesn't get in the way of their feeling happy when their partners experience joy having sexual and romantic feelings for other people.

Working in Sex Therapy to Come Up With An Agreement For a Consensual Nonmonogamous Relationship
Compersion is based on trusting yourself and your partner(s).

Working on a Consensual Nonmonogamous Relationship Agreement

If you're considering a consensual nonmonogamous relationship and you want to build trust with your partner(s), it's important that you and your partner(s) have a written agreement that you negotiate together.  

Most psychotherapists and couples therapists aren't trained to work with unconventional relationships that include compersion.  

Therapists who aren't trained in sex therapy often pathologize alternative relationship choices, including consensual nonmonogamy and kinky sex, which will only confuse you.

Seek help from a licensed psychotherapist who specializes in modern sex therapy (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and modern Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who is also a trauma therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.























What is Kinky Sex?

This is the first in a series of articles about kink and kinky sex.

What is Kinky Sex?
The terms kink and kinky sex refer to sex that is unconventional-- although what is considered unconventional is very much in the eye of the beholder.  What some people consider unconventional sex seems conventional to others.  But, aside from how people define unconventional sex, there's no doubt that kinky sex has become increasingly popular in recent years.  

What is Kinky Sex?


What Are the Different Types of Kinky Sex?
Although there are different points of view about what kinky sex is, there are some categories that are generally agreed upon, including but not limited to:
    • Bondage: Restricting a person's movement with ropes, handcuffs, silk scarfs and other types of restraints
    • Dominance: Physical and/or psychological dominance over a partner in the bedroom privately and outside the bedroom with others
    • Discipline: Exerting control over a submissive partner through agreed upon rules or punishments 
    • Submission: Submitting to agreed upon rules or punishments by a dominant partner
    • Sadism and Masochism (Sadomasochism): Pleasure derived from either inflicting or receiving agreed upon emotional or physical pain
  • Fantasy and Role Playing: Fantasy and role playing involves creating imagined scenarios that people act out.  This category of kink also includes a wide variety of acts:
    • Talking About Sexual Fantasies: Sexual partners can share their fantasies with each other either in or outside the bedroom (see my article: The 7 Core Sexual Fantasies).
    • Acting Out Sexual Fantasies: People can act out consensual sexual fantasies either inside or outside the bedroom. An example of acting out a private fantasy outside the bedroom would be a couple who go to a bar, pretend not to know each other, and enact a fantasy of picking each other up.  At the other end of the spectrum are people who are at a sex party who act out their fantasies in front of others where everyone is consenting to these activities.
  • Fetishes: Generally, a fetish is treating any nonsexual object or any body part sexually. Fetish play is common, and it's estimated that about 1 out of 4 people are into some type of fetish.  Some of the most common fetishes include:
    • Feet: Feet are the most common body part that are fetishized, especially by men. Feet are connected to legs and legs lead to genitals.
    • Shoes: Shoes are obviously connected to feet.  Shoes are mostly fetishized by men, but some women are also aroused by shoes. The heel of a woman's high heel shoe is considered sexy among people who have this fetish. For those who are into high heels, the idea of having sex with a woman wearing only her high heels is sexually arousing.
High Heels Are a Common Fetish

    • Underwear: Underwear, especially women's panties, bras or stockings, are sexually arousing for men who are into this fetish. This includes observing someone wearing women's sexy underwear and handling or wearing underwear.
    • Masks: Mask fetishism involves getting sexually aroused by wearing or seeing others wearing a mask.  The masks can be made of any material--leather, rubber or any other type of material. 
Mask Fetishism

    • Leather: Leather clothing emphasize the shape and curves of the body for men and women. This includes leather jackets, vests, boots, pants, chaps, harnesses and other leather garments. People who are sexually aroused by leather are often part of leather culture, and leather culture is often associated with BDSM. Leather tools are also considered sexually arousing by those who are into leather, including, among other things, whips, restraints and paddles. People who are into this fetish can be aroused by the sight, scent, sound and feel of leather.  Leather is often associated with empowerment and it can be linked with Dressing For Power (DFP).  Leather is often linked with sexual dominance. Leather is also an important part of gay male culture, but anyone, regardless of gender or sexual orientation, can enjoy a leather fetish.
    • Spandex: Spandex is made from a form fitting stretch fabric which is used for clothing worn by gymnasts, swimmers, dancers, gym members, cyclists, circus performers and the general public.  One reason spandex is fetishized is that it appears like a second skin.  Aside from the visual allure of these form fitting garments, spandex is considered by many to be sensuous to the touch. For some, the tightness of the garment is also associated with bondage. 
    • Latex: Although latex might not be as common a fetish as leather, it's a popular fetish for many people. Latex is made from the sap of a rubber tree.  It's strong and stretchy. People can be sexually aroused by either wearing or observing others wearing latex.  Latex clothing includes form fitting outerwear, like catsuits, or underwear.
    • Ears: Ears are sexually arousing and fetishized by many people. This includes kissing, licking or breathing on an ear.  
    • Hair: Many men are attracted to people with beautiful hair, and some women have a preference for men with certain types of hair.
    • Navels: Navel fetishism mostly appeals to men but also some women. People who are into navels, also known as belly buttons, often consider navels to be the center of sexual desire.
    • Tatoos: Getting a tatoos or seeing tatoos is a fetish for many people. 
    • Body Piercings: For people who get turned on by giving or receiving pain, body piercings are often a turn-on.  This tends to be a fetish among younger adults, but adults of all ages can get sexually aroused by piercings.
    • Color: Some people have a fetish for certain colors including red, blue, black and other colors.  Some prefer solid colors and others like combinations of colors or certain patterns.
    • Gerontophilia: Gerontophilia is an attraction to older people by younger adults. Gerontophilia is usually an intense sexual attraction experienced by younger men for older women. It can border on the obsessive. Younger people, both men and women, who have sexual attractions for older people are called gerontophiles. The terms MILF or cougar, which are considered vulgar terms, are associated with gerontophilia. MILF or cougar refers to a sexy mature woman of childbearing age. Similarly, DILF, another term which is considered derogatory by many, refers to a sexy mature man. Just like any other sexual act or fetish, as long as the behavior is consensual, there is no reason to pathologize or stigmatize this behavior (see my articles: Relationships Between Older Women and Younger Men and Can Modern Day Age Gap Relationships Last?).
    • Cuckolding: Cuckolding is big topic onto itself. Historically, the word "cuckold" referred to a husband whose wife was cheating on him with other men. However, the contemporary use of the words cuckold and cuckolding now refers to people who get sexually turned on by watching their spouse or significant other having sex with someone else. Typically, it refers to a man who likes to see his partner with another man, but in practice it can involve any gender or sexual orientation where one person likes to watch a partner having sex with someone else.
    • Adult Diaper Play: Adult diaper play includes getting sexually aroused by wearing or observing someone else wearing diapers. Diaper play can be eroticized or it can involve creating imaginary scenarios where an adult behaves like an infant with another adult.
  • Group Sex: One of the most common sexual fantasies involves group sex, including threesomes.  Group sex involves more than two people.  According to social psychologist and Kinsey research fellow, Justin Lehmiller, Ph.D., up to 95% of men and 87% of women have fantasized about group sex with threesomes being the most common fantasy.  People often think of threesomes as one man and two women (FMF which is female-male-female), but threesomes can also be two men and a woman (MFM).  For many people, the fantasy is enough to get them sexually aroused and they don't want to enact it.  Others fantasize about it and get physically involved with group sex at sex parties or in other places where people gather to have sex.
Group Sex includes Threesomes

  • Voyeurism and Exhibitionism: Voyeurism involves getting sexual gratification from observing an unsuspecting person, so voyeurism is not consensual. Exhibitionism, which involves having sex in a public place, is also considered nonconsensual for those who unwittingly happen upon it in public. Both are criminal offenses, so they are not recommended. These types of activities are different from consensual acts that are observed and enacted in sex clubs, resorts or swingers parties.
Conclusion
I've attempted to include the most popular forms of kinky sex, but no list is exhaustive in terms of the types of kinks people like.

As previously mentioned, what is considered kinky sex is based on an individual's perspective and preferences.

In future articles, I'll continue to discuss kinky sex, including how to talk to your partner about the type of kinky sex you might like (see my articles: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2 and Don't Yuk Anybody's Yum).

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.












    Saturday, December 24, 2022

    How Sex Therapy Can Help With Sexual Anxiety

    In Part 1 of this topic, I discussed some of common issues that cause sexual anxiety.  

    In this article, I'm focusing on various clinical scenarios and how sex therapy can help (see my articles: What is Sex Therapy? and What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?):
    • Body Image issues include women who feel insecure about their body (perceptions about too fat, too thin, too short, too tall and so on) and men who worry about their penis size and other physical issues (see my article: Is a Negative Body Image Ruining Your Sex Life?)
    Sexual Anxiety Related to Body Image

    • Sexual Dysfunction like erectile dysfunction or unpredictability, problems with having orgasms, low libido or painful sex
    • Shame and Guilt about sex that can stem from cultural issues, religion, family history and other factors
    • Relationship Problems including conflict, arguments and other relationship stressors
    Sexual Anxiety Related to Relationship Problems

    • Sexual Trauma including a history of sexual history of sexual abuse that can get triggered during sex
    • Infidelity in a relationship which creates anger, resentment, mistrust and sadness
    • Stress and Worry from other areas in life that affect sexual libido
    • Sexual Inexperience can create anxiety about sexual performance, which often makes people feel self conscious and ashamed during sex
    Clinical Scenarios
    In the current article, the clinical scenarios will provide more details about sexual anxiety and how sex therapy can help (see my article: Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy).

    Many of these scenarios are a combination of problems and, as always, these vignettes are composites of many cases to protect confidentiality:

    Clinical Scenario: Body Image, Shame, Guilt and Erectile Dysfunction
    John 
    John grew up in a conservative religious home where sex was never discussed.  Although his family never talked to him about sex, when he was 12 years old, he discovered his father's mainstream pornography collection, including films with explicit sex scenes. 

    Since sex was never discussed in his home and he attended a religious school where there was no formal sex education, these pornographic films were John's only introduction to sex and his only form of so-called "sex education" (in reality, these films, like most mainstream porn, provided a lot of misinformation). 

    John saw images of men in these porn films with huge penises. As as a teenager, he already felt inadequate about the size of his penis and these films made it worse.

    By the time he had his first sexual experience in college, he felt ashamed of his body, especially the size of his penis.  In addition, the fact that he was having sex outside of marriage, which was taboo in his culture, created problems for him with maintaining an erection.  

    Sexual Anxiety Due to Shame, Guilt and Erectile Dysfunction

    His sexual anxiety became an ongoing problem: His shame and anxiety about sex and his penis size made it difficult to maintain an erection and his problems maintaining an erection created even more anxiety. He was caught in what he thought would be an endless negative cycle.  

    He eventually sought help in sex therapy where he learned that his problem with sexual anxiety was a common one. His sex therapist provided him with resources, including books on sex education, where he learned that the size of his erect penis was average (the average size of an erect penis is about 5.16 inches).

    John also learned in sex therapy how to overcome problems with sexual anxiety to stop the negative cycle he was caught in, including mind-body oriented techniques to help him relax and enjoy sex.

    Clinical Scenario: Sexual Anxiety Related to Sexual Trauma and Pressure to Have Sex
    Ann and Bob
    Ann was sexually molested by her maternal uncle, who fondled her breasts, from the time she was 12 until she was 15.  When she was younger, she was too afraid to tell anyone about the sexual molestation.  

    Sexual Anxiety Due to Sexual Trauma

    But when she was15, she told her mother, who didn't believe Ann.  Ann's mother couldn't believe that her older brother would sexually abuse Ann, and she told Ann to stop trying to get attention by making up these stories. 

    Even though he was aware that Ann's mother didn't believe Ann, her uncle became so scared that his secret was out that he stopped touching Ann.  

    Logically, Ann knew she had done nothing wrong but, on an emotional level, she felt she must have been partly responsible for her uncle's behavior, especially since the fondling felt pleasurable to her, which made the experience confusing.

    By the time she began dating boys at age 16, Ann dreaded the possibility of being kissed or touched by a boy.  

    When she got engaged to Bob, she was relieved that he wanted to wait until they got married to have sex.  But on their wedding night, she was highly anxious.  This set up a pattern where Ann tried to avoid having sex whenever possible, but when she felt pressured by Bob, she gave in to him reluctantly.

    She never enjoyed sex because of her sexual anxiety. Every time she had sex with Bob, it triggered memories of her uncle touching her inappropriately.  She just thought of sex with Bob as something to get through and she was relieved whenever it was over.

    Two years into the marriage, Bob was fed up with Ann's lack of enthusiasm for having sex. After they started sex therapy, Ann reluctantly revealed her history of sexual abuse, which made Bob never knew about.  Knowing about the abuse made him much more compassionate. 

    Ann also learned that it was common and normal for young girls who are sexually abused to feel sexual pleasure during the abuse.  She learned that, even though she didn't want her uncle to touch her, her body responded naturally and spontaneously.  

    In addition to what she knew logically, she eventually felt on an emotional level that she was in no way responsible for the sexual abuse or the sexual pleasure she experienced during the abuse.  

    Their sex therapist recommended that, in addition to the couple's sex therapy session, Ann work on her unresolved sexual trauma in individual trauma therapy.  

    Over time, as Ann worked though her trauma and she and Bob worked on their issues as a couple in sex therapy, Ann began to enjoy sex and their sex life together was much more fulfilling.

    Clinical Scenario: Sexual Anxiety Due to Relationship Problems and Infidelity
    Ted and Bill
    Three months after they started dating, Ted and Bill moved in together in Bill's apartment.  

    Prior to moving in together, they were in love and they had a fun and exciting sex life together. But after they moved in together, they realized they had different views about monogamy. 

    Bill liked to flirt and occasionally have casual sex with other men, but Ted was completely opposed to nonmonogamy.  This caused frequent arguments and put a damper on their sex life together.  

    After Ted found out that Bill was having a sexual affair with a man Bill met at a gay bar, Ted felt angry, sad, resentful and mistrustful of Bill.  Bill felt remorse for causing Ted pain so he ended the affair.  But he told Ted he didn't want to stop having sex with men occasionally.  

    Sexual Anxiety Due to Relationship Problems and Infidelity

    Since they were unable to resolve these issues on their own, they sought help as a couple in sex therapy.  Eventually, Bill admitted that he would like to have occasional flings with other men too, but he was initially too ashamed to admit this even to himself.  

    Their sex therapist provided them with psychoeducation about different types of consensual nonmonogamous relationships.  She also helped them to work out an agreement as to what types of nonmonogamous behavior was acceptable to each of them and, eventually, they worked out a mutually agreed upon written agreement.

    They agreed to have a consensual nonmonogamous relationship where they were primary partners to each other and all other sexual encounters would be casual.  

    They agreed they could have sex with other men occasionally, but they would try to avoid forming emotional attachments with these other men because their relationship was their primary emotional attachment.  This meant that they wouldn't have sex with anyone else more than a few times to avoid becoming emotionally attached to them.

    As issues with jealousy came up, they learned in sex therapy that jealousy was common.  They also learned in sex therapy how to deal with jealousy.

    Over time, they would revise their consensual nonmonogamous agreement as they encountered new situations they had not thought of before.  

    They both agreed that this form of consensual nonmonogamy worked best for each of them as individuals and for their relationship.  As a result, their sex life became passionate again.

    Clinical Scenario: Sexual Anxiety Due to Sexual Inexperience, Shame and Guilt
    Ari
    Ari and his family moved to the United States when he was 16 years old.  They came from a conservative culture in their country of origin where talking about sex before marriage was considered taboo. 

    Since Ari's parents had an arranged marriage in their country, they hoped Ari would allow them to arrange a marriage for him.  But he was adamantly opposed to this, and he told them that he wanted to choose his own partner.

    Sexual Anxiety Due to Sexual Inexperience

    When he entered high school in New York City, to his amazement, Ari discovered that most of his classmates had already begun dating and having sex.  

    This created a great deal of anxiety and shame for him because dating and premarital sex was considered taboo in his country.  He feared classmates would discover he had never dated or had sex with a girl and they would ridicule him. So, he tried to avoid the topic whenever it came up.

    After a while, Ari resorted to making up stories about sexual exploits to tell the boys in school but, inwardly, he feared he would be discovered.

    By the time he went away to college, Ari continued to feel conflicted about dating and sex.  He felt caught between the culture he grew up as a boy in and the American culture he was currently living in.  Part of him wanted to go out with women and have sexual experiences, but another part of him felt ashamed and guilty for wanting these experiences.

    His attempts at dating and sex in college caused him shame and anxiety.  He felt awkward asking women out on dates and he fumbled sexually.  

    The one and only time he attempted to have sex with a woman ended up being frustrating and embarrassing for him and the woman.  Due to his anxiety, he had premature ejaculation and he ended the sexual encounter abruptly.

    By the time he was in his mid-20s, Ari felt increasingly worried about his ability to date and have sex, so he entered into sex therapy.  

    He was able to work through his anxiety and conflictual feelings in sex therapy.  He also learned how to remain focused on his and his partner's sexual pleasure rather than worrying about his sexual performance (see my articles: What is Performative Sex? and What is Sexual Self Esteem?).

    Clinical Scenario: Sexual Anxiety Due to Stress and Worry
    Rita and Jack
    Before they had children, Rita and Jack had a sexually fulfilled sex life.  Sex was fun and passionate between them.

    But by the time they had two children, stress and worry intruded on their sex life.  They worried about their children's health and whether they were good parents.  They were also often exhausted by the time they put their children to sleep so they were too tired to have sex.

    Sexual Anxiety Due to Stress and Worry

    Even when they both had enough energy to have sex, Rita was too distracted to enjoy sex because she was worried that one or both children would interrupt them by coming into their bedroom at night because the children couldn't sleep.

    Over time, their sex life dwindled to only a few times a year and they were rarely both in the mood at the same time.  Jack was more spontaneous about sex than Rita, who needed more sexual stimulation to get into the mood (see my article: Spontaneous Sexual Arousal and Responsive Sexual Arousal Are Both Normal).

    On their fifth wedding anniversary, they left the children with Rita's parents and they went away to have a romantic weekend.  But when they were alone in their hotel room that night, they felt like strangers to each other. They felt too awkward to have sex--even though they were in a romantic environment with no interruptions.

    After that weekend, they began seeing a sex therapist who talked to them about their sex script and how they approached sex from the initial encounter until completion (see my article: Understanding Your Sex Script).

    During sex therapy, they both learned a lot about each other sexually and what they liked and disliked--each of their turn-ons and turn-offs (see my article: What Are Your Sexual Accelerators and Brakes?).

    They also had fun homework assignments to try at home between sex therapy sessions.  Then, they discussed how they experienced these assignments in the next sex therapy session.

    After a while, they planned another romantic getaway and they put into practice what they learned in sex therapy.  

    When they were at home, they developed a better sleep routine for their children to minimize interruptions.   They also put a lock on their bedroom door so they wouldn't need to worry about the children coming in while they were having sex.

    Eventually, their sex life came alive again (see my article: Keeping the Sexual Spark Alive in Your Relationship).

    Clinical Scenario: Sexual Anxiety Due to Depression and Other Types of Anxiety
    Ida
    Throughout her life, Ida had experienced several episodes of depression and generalized anxiety.  

    By the time Ida was in her 30s and in a long term relationship with Jane, her depressive and anxiety-related symptoms were getting in the way of her sexual pleasure.  

    She experienced some relief from her symptoms after she saw a psychiatrist and he prescribed medication, but she still didn't look forward to either solo sex or partnered sex with Jane.

    Sexual Anxiety Due to Depression and Generalized Anxiety

    Her individual therapist, who was helping Ida with her depression and anxiety, recommended that Ida seek help in sex therapy to deal with her low libido.  Her therapist explained that, like most psychotherapists, she wasn't trained in sex therapy, which is a specialty, so Ida needed to seek help with a specialist who was trained in sex therapy.

    At first, Ida was reluctant to see a sex therapist because she didn't know anything about sex therapy.  But her individual therapist told Ida that there would be no physical exams, no nudity or touching in sex therapy.  She explained to Ida that sex therapy is a form of psychotherapy, also known as talk therapy, and she encouraged Ida to have a sex therapy consultation.

    Ida was relieved that her sex therapist was easy to talk to and Ida was able to open up about her lack of pleasure during sex.  As a first step, her sex therapist also encouraged Ida to talk to her psychiatrist and find out if her medication was contributing to her lack of sexual desire.

    After her psychiatrist changed her medication that didn't have sexual side effects, Ida felt more open to having sex with Jane, but she still experienced anxiety during sex.  

    So her sex therapist helped Ida with mind-body oriented techniques to help her relax more during sex and stay focused on her own and Jane's sexual pleasure.

    They also worked together to help Ida discover on her own what was sexually pleasurable to her during solo sex/masturbation because Ida had problems having orgasms (see my article: Women's Sexual Pleasure: Tips on Sexual Self Discovery).

    At first, Ida had problems masturbating because she felt awkward and embarrassed about touching herself.  But, at her sex therapist's recommendation, she started slowly by getting in touch first with what felt sensually pleasurable to her using her five senses--sight, sound, touch, smell and tactile pleasure.

    Ida discovered she liked taking bubble baths using herbs in the bath that helped her to relax.  She learned to create a sensual experience for herself by having scented candles, listening to relaxing music, and smoothing on body lotion after the bath.  Afterwards, she was relaxed and open to pleasuring herself.  

    Not only did these sensual experiences help Ida to relax, they also helped her to discover what she enjoyed sexually.  Then, she was able to talk to Jane about these sexual discoveries (see my article: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex).

    Over time, sex became pleasurable and passionate for Ida and Jane (see my article: Savoring Pleasure).

    Conclusion
    One article can't encompass all the problems addressed in sex therapy.  This article attempts to cover some of the most common problems discussed in sex therapy.

    One of the most common problems, sexual anxiety, is common. But people who experience sexual anxiety aren't aware of how common it is because people rarely talk about it outside of therapy.

    You deserve to have a fulfilling sex life, so if you're experiencing sexual anxiety or other sexual problems, seek help in sex therapy.

    About Me
    I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

    I am a sex positive therapist. 

    I am also a trauma therapist.

    I work with individual adults and couples.

    To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

    To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.






















     



    Thursday, December 22, 2022

    What is Sexual Anxiety?

    Sexual anxiety is a common problem for both men and women. It can come up while dating, in an established relationship, in casual relationships or in any other situation where people have sex (see my article: What is Sex Therapy? ).

    Overcoming Sexual Anxiety

    Sexual anxiety can be a problem that comes up occasionally or it can be a chronic issue that gets in the way of sexual pleasure (see my article: Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy).

    In this article, which is Part 1 on the topic of sexual anxiety, I'm identifying some of the most common situations where people experience sexual anxiety (see my article: What Are the Most Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

    In Part 2, I'll provide clinical vignettes to show specific examples.

    What is Sexual Anxiety? 
    Sexual anxiety is any anxiety you experience related to sex.  It can lead to avoiding sexual activities, talking about sex or anything related to sex.

    Why Do People Experience Sexual Anxiety?
    Sexual anxiety can come up for many different reasons, including:
    • Body Image ProblemsBody image issues are common for both men and women.  Many people, especially people who watch mainstream pornography (as opposed to ethical porn), feel insecure about their body. Many men feel insecure about their penis size because they see images of men with large penises in mainstream porn.  Many women worry about being too fat or they worry about other physical aspects, including the size of their breasts.  If one or both people are feeling insecure or ashamed of their body, they often feel anxious and have problems feeling sexually aroused or remaining sexually engaged.
    Sexual Anxiety: Body Image Issues

    • Sexual Dysfunction: Body image issues, as well as other types of sexual anxiety, can contribute to erectile dysfunction, problems having an orgasm, low libidopainful sex for women, and other sexual issues.
    • Shame and Guilt About Having Sex: Whether the problem is related to cultural, religious, family of origin or other issues, shame and guilt can create sexual anxiety for people before, during and after sex.
    • Relationship Problems: When people in a relationship are experiencing conflict, arguments, stress in the relationship and other problems, these problems often lead to anxiety and an inability to experience sexual pleasure.
    Sexual Anxiety: Relationship Problems

    • Sexual Trauma: A history of sexual abuse can create sexual anxiety if the trauma remains unresolved.  Even when someone is with a partner they love and trust, current sexual activity can trigger emotions from the past.
    • Infidelity in the Relationship: When someone discovers that their partner has been cheating, they can feel anxious about sex with their partner.  Sexual anxiety can develop when a partner worries that they can't trust their partner. They might worry about contracting a sexually transmitted infection.  Also, discovering infidelity often brings feelings of resentment, anger, insecurity and sadness as well as anxiety that interfere with sex.
    Sexual Anxiety: Infidelity in the Relationship

    • Pressure to Have Sex: Sexual pressure, whether it's spoken or unspoken, is the opposite of sexual pleasure.  Sex should always be consensual.  If a person feels pressured to have sex or to engage in sexual activities they don't want to do, they can feel anxious. It they go along with it just to appease a partner, this isn't consensual.  Feeling pressured creates stress and anxiety as well as anger and resentment.
    • Lack of Sexual Experience: If one or both partners have little or no sexual experience, they can experience sexual anxiety about how they will "perform." Rather than being focused on their own and their partner's pleasure, they worry about their performance, which takes them outside the experience. This often leads to "spectatoring," which is being self conscious and stuck in their head instead of focusing on their own and their partner's sexual pleasure. Lack of sexual experience might also mean one or both partners isn't sexually informed due to a lack of sexual education.
    Sexual Anxiety: Lack of Sexual Experience

    • Stress and Worry: A little stress in the form of sexual anticipation can make sex enjoyable, but too much stress can create sexual anxiety, especially when stress takes one or both people outside their sexual experience.  Even if the stress and worry aren't directly related to sex, it can be difficult to relax enough to enjoy sex.
    Sexual Anxiety: Worry and Stress

    • Other Mental Health Issues: Mental health issues like generalized anxiety, depression and other problems, can create problems during sex, including sexual anxiety.  
    Next Article
    As I mentioned earlier, I'll give clinical vignettes about some of these issues in my next article: How Sex Therapy Can Help With Sexual Anxiety.

    Getting Help in Sex Therapy
    If you're experiencing sexual anxiety, you're not alone--sexual anxiety is a common problem.

    Without help, sexual anxiety can get worse over time.

    You deserve to have a fulfilling sex life, so instead of suffering on your own, seek help to resolved your problem from a licensed psychotherapist who is a sex therapist.  

    About Me
    I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

    I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

    To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

    To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.