What's the Difference Between Solitude and Loneliness?

We live in a world where we're often bombarded by overstimulation to our senses.  Whether this involves our increased accessibility with cellphones, texts, voicemail, social media, the ability to get "breaking news" 24/7 on cable news and the Internet, or the hustle and bustle of living in New York City, this overstimulation can exhaust us.  

Solitude: The State of Being Alone Without Feeling Lonely

Solitude vs Loneliness

Being able to enjoy times when we're alone so we can experience peace and a sense of solitude can help us to relax and de-stress from these overstimulating environments.  It's part of taking care of ourselves.  

But for many people, being alone isn't about solitude at all.  It's about feeling lonely and abandoned. This makes it hard for them to de-stress.  

How can we understand the difference between being alone with a sense solitude vs being alone and feeling lonely? 

In this blog post, I'll explore loneliness and solitude.  First, I'll start with loneliness, including feelings of loneliness that we all feel, and a much more pervasive type of loneliness connected to feeling abandoned.  Then, I'll explore solitude, what it means, how to experience it, why some people have problems experiencing solitude and how to overcome this problem.

It's important to understand that everyone feels lonely at times in their lives. Often, people who are not in relationships imagine that if they had a partner, they wouldn't ever feel lonely.

Loneliness

• Even if You're in a Relationship, You Can Feel Lonely at Times: Even if you're happily married or partnered, you can feel lonely at times. Your spouse or partner will not always be perfectly in synch with your emotional state all of the time, even in the best relationship.  You might also be with a partner who is emotionally avoidant and disengages from you emotionally (see my article Feeling Lonely in a Relationship).

Feeling Lonely in a Relationship

• Attributing a Negative Meaning to Occasional Loneliness: Acknowledging and accepting occasional loneliness is part of mature adult development. But if you attribute a negative meaning to being lonely (e.g., you're a "loser," no one wants to be with you), you're going to have a very different perspective about occasional loneliness than someone who accepts it as normal.  Berating yourself for what is normal will also erode your sense of self (see my article: Changing the Negative Stories You Tell Yourself).

• When Being Alone Triggers Feelings of Loneliness and Abandonment: Occasional loneliness is different from a pervasive feeling of being lonely and feeling abandoned most of the time.  When adults, who haven't learned to enjoy a sense of solitude, are by themselves, they will often go to great lengths not to be alone--even if it means being with people that they don't like. If there's no one around, they often keep themselves constantly distracted by keeping the TV on (even if they're not watching or listening to it), by overeating as a form of comfort, by drinking too much or using illicit drugs, smoking cigarettes, and so on. Even though they might realize they're exhausting themselves by keeping themselves distracted, it's preferable to them than dealing with feelings of loneliness and abandonment.

A History of Emotional Neglect as a Child Can Trigger Loneliness When You're Alone as an Adult

During the course of childhood development, if a young child doesn't have a fairly consistent and reliable loving presence, he or she feels abandoned.  Later on, as an adult, being alone often triggers feelings of loneliness and abandonment.

With nurturing caregivers, who are "good enough," we learn to play on our own in the presence of our adult caregivers. At around the age of three, if all goes well, we become a little more independent, being able to tolerate some alone time because we had a good early foundation with our caregivers.  

We learn to use our imagination to enter into our play and fantasy world while mom or dad is in another room nearby.  A child of three will often check back to see where mom or dad might be, and having seen that his parent is nearby, the child can go back to playing, feeling safe and secure.  More than likely, if all else goes well, this child will grow up to enjoy a sense of solitude from time to time.

But for adults who have a history of feeling emotionally abandoned as children, being alone can often feel intolerable. There is no comfort or solitude in being alone. They never learned to be alone.  Being alone means being abandoned, lonely and unworthy of love.

If being alone is intolerable, they need someone around to distract themselves from their uncomfortable feelings.  If they eat in a restaurant by themselves, they feel self conscious and fear that others are looking at them and thinking that they're alone because no one wants to be around them. If they have to go to a social event where they don't know anyone, they fear that no one will talk to them. They might even avoid going out alone because of the uncomfortable feelings that it provokes in them.

Solitude

What is Solitude?
Solitude is being able to enjoy your own company, feeling peaceful and relaxed, when you're by yourself at times.  If you can enjoy solitude, getting away from the hustle and bustle of everyday life is an important part of managing your stress.

How to Enjoy Solitude as Part of Self Care

The following are brief examples of enjoying solitude:

Marie:  Marie enjoys getting up early, before her husband and children wake up, to spend an hour or so on her own quietly sipping tea in the kitchen and reading a book. It's part of her self care routine.

Solitude as Self Care

She and her husband have a loving relationship. They enjoy spending time together as well as with their children, but Marie feels that this one hour in the morning that she has to herself before her busy day begins helps her to ease into her day in a more relaxed and quiet way. She values this time and, occasionally, when something happens where she can't spend this hour of solitude in the morning, she realizes that she is more likely to feel more frazzled during the rest of the day.

Bob:  Before he goes to bed, Bob likes to spend a half hour or so reading a favorite novel. While his wife is preparing for bed, Bob enjoys going off to the den, where it's quiet and he can have some time for himself. 

Solitude: Enjoying a Favorite Novel

This has been his nightly ritual for the five years that he and his wife have been married. At first, his wife didn't understand why Bob needed this time at the end of the day. But soon after they got married, his wife realized that she also felt more relaxed and refreshed if she also took this time to take a bubble bath, meditate or listen to music before she and Bob went to bed.

Laura:  Laura likes to take a walk in the park near her office at lunch time. Getting away from the busy phones and the demands of her job helps her to come back to the office feeling renewed and relaxed. 

Solitude as a Way to Relax

There are just enough people in the park so she feels safe, but not so many that she feels intruded or impinged upon. She can take an hour or so to lose herself in the beauty of nature or she can watch the dogs playing in the nearby dog run section of the park. She feels connected to nature at the same time that she also feels a sense of comfort with herself. On days when she spends her lunch hour working, instead of going to the park, she feels much more tired and stressed out by the end of the day.

Getting Help to Overcome a Sense of Loneliness and Emotional Isolation 
The good news is that if you've never learned to feel the comfort of solitude and being alone triggers feelings of alienation and loneliness, you can learn to overcome these issues in therapy.

There's no "quick fix," but many people have overcome this problem.   It's never too late to learn how to overcome the discomfort and fear of being alone. You can learn to enjoy solitude so you can have times when you can relax and enjoy your own company.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist. 

I work with individuals and couples.  

I have helped many clients to overcome trauma their fears of being alone (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What Are Peak Experiences?

In my prior article, What is Self Actualization and What Qualities Do Self Actualizers Possess?, I began a discussion about Abraham Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs with an emphasis on self actualizers and their characteristics.  

Peak Experiences

What Are Peak Experiences?

According to Maslow, peak experiences play an important part in self actualization, which is the focus of this article.  He believed peak experiences make it possible to experience your true self (see my article: Becoming Your True Self).

Although Maslow believed that self actualization is rare, he believed that it's possible for people to have peak experiences.

Peak experiences are transcendent moments of joy, elation, awe, ecstasy or wonder (see my article: Seeing Small Wonders All Around Us If We Just Take the Time to Notice).

These are exceptional experiences that stand out from other experiences and often include:

• A sense of fulfillment
• A significant experience that increases awareness, possibly a turning point in life
• A spiritual sense of being at one with the world

When Do Peak Experiences Occur?

Peak experiences often occur while: 

• Working on a creative project
• Spending time in nature
• Watching a sunset
• Falling in love
• Making love
• Having an orgasm
• Meditating
  
• Having a lucid dream
• Having an intuitive dream or experience (see my article: Dream Incubation)
• Feeling the rapture of music
• Feeling moved by a work of art
• Experiencing synchronicities
• Experiencing a sense of flow while dancing or moving
• Spending time with close family and friends
• Participating in a spiritual practice
• Participating in sports and being "in the zone"
• Engaging in an enjoyable activity where you have a sense of flow
• Helping someone in need
• Achieving a challenging goal
• Feeling triumphant after overcoming a challenge

What Do Peak Experiences Feel Like?

People often describe peak experiences as altered states of consciousness where they feel euphoric.  

Maslow described peak experiences as experiencing the highest state of happiness.  

During peak experiences people often describe their experience as surrendering to something greater than themselves.  

For instance, standing on a beach and experiencing the vastness of the ocean, you can feel the power and beauty of the ocean. You can also experience how small you are compared to this large body of water.  You might also feel a sense of oneness with the ocean as you watch the ebb and flow of the waves.

Often there is a loss of time and space as you merge with your surroundings.  For instance, if you are stargazing, you can sense the timelessness of the experience as you appreciate the beauty.  

Past, present and future can together for you in that moment.

Identifying Your Own Personal Peak Experiences

In order to understand the personal meaning of peak experiences in your life, think back to times in your life that were transcendent and meaningful.  

It might have been for only a moment, but these memories usually stand out.

Peak experiences often occur when people are intentional and have a sense of purpose.  Maybe you were having fun at the time with others. Or you maybe you were alone when you had a meaningful experience that changed your perspective.

Peak experiences also occur when you have a sense of deep fulfillment.  So, you can think back to times in your life when you felt especially fulfilled and joyous.

Why It's Important to Identify Peak Experiences From Your Past

Peak experiences can be life changing.  

When you identify the types of experiences that gave you a sense of wonder, awe and transcendence, you become aware of the most meaningful times in your life.

By identifying these powerful moments in your life, you can get a sense of what's most important to you and how these experiences enhance your life.

In addition, you'll get a sense of what inspires these moments for you so that you can enjoy more peak experiences as you can become more attuned to them.

For instance, if you had a sense of purpose and fulfillment when you did artwork, but you gave up doing artwork, you'll realize how important that work was to your sense of well-being. You might also realize you want to make time to do artwork to have those experiences again.

You might also remember other times when you felt most alive, in a state of flow, and consider how you can have other similar experiences.

An example of that might be a meditation practice.  You might remember a time when you went into a deep trance state when you felt at one with the world.  If you have stopped meditating and you remember how fulfilling it was for you, you might want to resume meditation.  

Can You Create Peak Experiences?

Peak experiences are often spontaneous.  They can be momentary or last hours or days.  

I believe you can prime yourself for having peak experiences if you're aware of these heightened states from the past, you're open to experiencing these states again and you cultivate the mindset, circumstances and environment that could inspire peak experiences.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What is Self Actualization and What Qualities Do Self Actualizers Possess?

Psychologist Abraham Maslow introduced the concept of the Hierarchy of Needs in the 1940s.  The Hierarchy of Needs was symbolized by a triangle of human needs.  

According to Maslow, from bottom to top those human needs consist of: 

• Physiological Needs: food, water, sleep
• Safety: home, security
• Love and Belonging: deeper, meaningful relationships
• Esteem: honor and recognition 
• Self Actualization: achieving your highest psychological potential

Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs

A Shift in Psychology

Maslow wanted to get away from focusing on abnormal psychology and development in order to focus on healthy human development, so his theory represented a shift in psychology.  He is considered to be part of Humanistic Psychology.

Maslow believed that people couldn't reach their highest potential, self actualization, until their other basic needs were met.  Later on, this concept that all the basic needs had to be fulfilled first was criticized as being too rigid.  

What is Self Actualization?

Self actualization is at the top of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs pyramid.  

When people have achieved self actualization, according to Maslow, they have reached their highest level of psychological development.

Many experts now believe that self actualization is more about how open people are to personal growth and health rather than whether they have achieved success or happiness.

What Qualities Do Self Actualizers Possess?

According to Maslow, people who achieve self actualization have the following qualities:

• Self Awareness
• An Acceptance of Others
• A Focus on Personal Growth
• A Sense of Purpose
• A Creative Spirit
• Less Concern for Others' Opinions
• A Desire to Fulfill Their Potential
• An Ability to Judge People and Situations Correctly 
• An Ability to Exist Autonomously
• An Ability to Think Independently
• A Comfort With Solitude
• Deep Loving Bonds With Close Intimate Friends
• Compassion
• Peak Experiences (a heightened sense of wonder, awe and transcendence)

People who achieve self actualization don't necessarily stay at that stage.  They might go up and down the Hierarchy of Needs pyramid over the span of their lifetime.

Maslow believed that relatively few people became self actualizers, but there is still value in Maslow's theory, especially with regard to peak experiences.

My Next Article: Peak Experiences

I believe one of Maslow's most significant contributions to psychology was his concept of peak experiences, which I'll discuss in my next article: 

What Are Peak Experiences?

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How to Prevent Conflict Avoidance From Destroying Your Relationship

What is Conflict Avoidance?

Although most people experience arguments and conflicts as stressful and uncomfortable, people who are conflict avoidant find it especially intolerable. They will often go to great lengths to avoid or end an argument rather than remain in it to try to find a resolution.  This is called conflict avoidance.

Conflict Avoidance in a Relationship

Although conflict avoidance is common in many relationships, this phenomenon is especially frustrating for the other partner because problems in the relationship don't get resolved and this is what often brings people into couples therapy.

People who are conflict avoiders often have an avoidant attachment style (see my article: Understanding the Avoidant Attachment Style).

When a partner wants to talk about a problem in the relationship, the partner who wants to avoid conflict will typically act in one of the following ways to avoid dealing with the conflict or keep the argument from escalating:

• Apologize quickly, possibly without understanding what they're apologizing about or if they are even feel sorry

• Accommodate immediately, possibly without considering whether they really want to do it or can do it

• Agree without much thought as to whether they actually agree because they just want the conflict to be over

• Stonewall, which often means refusing to talk about the situation or walking out of the room to avoid the conflict (see my article: Are You a Stonewaller?)

What Causes Conflict Avoidance?

People who are conflict avoidant get so uncomfortable with arguments or conflicts that they find it emotionally intolerable (see my article: Understanding the Partner Who Withdraws Emotionally).

Externally they might appear to be calm or even indifferent, but someone who is conflict avoidant is usually experiencing a high degree of stress internally.

Conflict avoidance is often rooted in unresolved childhood trauma where arguments or family conflict was out of control.

Alternatively, the person who is conflict avoidant might have had some other traumatic incident that gets triggered whenever there is a current conflict.  This might have involved a prior relationship where there was rage or even violence.  Or it might be related to some other prior traumatic experience (see my article: How is Emotional Avoidance Related to Unresolved Trauma?).

Whatever the cause for conflict avoidance, this person will try to dodge conflict in whatever way they can.

What Are the Negative Consequences of Conflict Avoidance?

Conflicts avoidance, even mild cases of it, is a serious issue.

The Negative Consequences of Conflict Avoidance

Not only does the conflict remain unresolved, but anger and resentment festers and grows.

The ongoing stress of conflict avoidance affects not only the couple but also their children who can sense there are problems below the surface that aren't being dealt with by the couple.

Conflict avoidance can cause chronic stress which can result in stress-related health and mental health problems including:

• Depression
• Anxiety
• Digestive problems
• Insomnia
• Headaches
• Muscle aches
• High blood pressure
• Strokes
• Weight gain
• Memory and concentration impairment

What to Do If You Are Conflict Avoidant

There are steps you can take if you are conflict avoidant, including:

• Work Through Unresolved Trauma in Trauma Therapy: You can work through your unresolved trauma in individual therapy so it no longer gets triggered now (see my article: Working Through Unresolved Trauma So It No Longer Affects You in the Present).

• Learn to Tolerate Uncomfortable Emotions in Individual Therapy: You can learn to develop the capacity to deal with uncomfortable emotions (see my article: Expanding Your Window of Tolerance For Uncomfortable Emotions).

• Work in Couples Therapy to Improve Communication in the Relationship: Developing good communication skills in your relationship is an important part of maintaining a healthy relationship (see my article: How to Become More Emotionally Available in Your Relationship).

Conclusion

Conflict avoidance is common.

People who are conflict avoidant often have prior unresolved trauma that gets triggered whenever there is an argument or conflict in their current relationship (see my article: How Unresolved Trauma Affects Your Ability to Be Emotionally Vulnerable in an Adult Relationship).

The long term consequences of conflict avoidance includes ongoing problems that remain unresolved, resentments that build up, chronic stress and stress-related health and mental health problems as well as a negative emotional impact on the couples' children.  

Get Help in Therapy to Salvage Your Relationship

A relationship where there is conflict avoidance can be salvaged in individual and couples therapy if the couple doesn't wait too long to get help and if they're willing to do the work on their relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

One of my specialties is helping clients to overcome trauma (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Reducing Emotional Reactivity and Arguments in Your Relationship - Part 2

In my prior article, 5 Tips for Reducing Emotional Reactivity and Arguments in Your Relationship - Part 1, I began a discussion about this topic.  In this article, I'll provide a clinical example to illustrate how to these tips work with a couple having these ongoing problems.

Clinical Example: Reducing Emotional Reactivity and Arguments in a Relationship

The following vignette, which is a composite of many vignettes, illustrates how a couple can learn to reduce their reactivity and arguments:

Ann and Bill

During their fourth year of marriage, Ann and Bill, who were both in their early 40s, considered getting a divorce because of their frequent arguments.

While they were dating, they hardly argued at all.  However, after they had their second child, the stressors involved with raising two children took a toll on their relationship to the point where they were arguing nearly everyday.  

When Ann suggested that they try couples therapy, Bill was skeptical at first. But he agreed to meet with a couples therapist to try to work things out between them.

Their couples therapist, who was an Emotionally Focused couples therapist, helped them to see the ongoing pattern of their interactions, their attachment styles and how their differences were impacting each other.

Ann learned that she tended to have more of an anxious attachment style with Bill, and Bill learned that he tended to have an avoidant attachment style with Ann.  Although this is a common dynamic in couples, it also creates problems.

Whenever there was a conflict, Ann would want to try to resolve things immediately due to her anxiety, and Bill preferred to withdraw for a few days because of his avoidant dynamic. Bill's avoidance exacerbated Ann's anxiety, and Ann's anxiety made Bill want to avoid the issues even more.  This often lead to a downward spiral between them.

Their EFT couples therapist helped them to each have more empathy for each other.  Ann learned to give Bill more time and space so that he could calm himself before he dealt with the conflict.  Bill learned to appreciate how anxious their arguments made Ann feel, and he also learned to be more specific in terms of how much time he needed, so Ann didn't feel like she was waiting for him indefinitely.

Each of them make an agreement to reduce their emotional reactivity by reducing their stress levels. Ann took up yoga, and Bill learned a breathing exercise.  They both began doing mindfulness meditation to reduce their overall stress, so they could approach each other in a calm way when disagreements arose.

In addition, they learned to be patient and engage in active listening with each other. Instead of being preoccupied with what they were going to say, they gave each other their full attention.

They also learned to ask questions if there was anything they didn't understand rather than jumping to conclusions and reacting based on those conclusions. They also learned to stop invalidating and belittling each other other during their disagreements.

Although they still had occasional disagreements, over time, they stopped having big contentious arguments.  They were each much happier in their relationship, and they decided to remain married.

Conclusion

The five tips for reducing emotional reactivity and arguments are as follows:

• Calm yourself before you react

• Make an agreement with your partner to reduce emotional reactivity.

• Tell your partner that you want to know what s/he needs from you.

• Make an effort to understand what your partner is trying to tell you.

• Don't invalidate or belittle your partner

Getting Help in Therapy

Many couples are unable to work through their issues on their own.  In addition, some couples are having a difficult time due to the stressors involved with the pandemic.

If you and your partner are unable to resolve your problems, you could benefit from seeing a couples therapist.

Rather than struggling on your own, if you and your partner are unable to resolve your problems, contact a licensed therapist who provides couples therapy.  

Working with an experienced couples therapist could save your relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing, EFT couples therapist and Sex Therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

5 Tips For Reducing Emotional Reactivity and Arguments in Your Relationship - Part 1

Everyone has had the experience of getting triggered and overreacting to their partner at one time or another.  But when there's a pattern of emotional reactivity that leads to frequent arguments, these arguments can signal a serious problem that threatens the relationship. 

Each person needs to learn to be less emotionally reactive.  

So, let's explore how you can reduce the emotional reactivity in your relationship (see my article: The Challenge of Keeping Small Arguments From Becoming Big Conflicts in Your Relationship).

Reducing Emotional Reactivity in Your Relationship

What is Emotional Reactivity? 
Emotional reactivity is a tendency to have intense emotional reactions. Negative emotional reactions, like snapping at your partner, often occur because you feel triggered by something that was said or you're displacing your anger from another situation onto your partner. For instance, you have a problem with your boss and you come home and snap at your spouse.

What is Emotional Regulation?
Generally, emotional regulation refers to an ability to modulate your emotions to reduce reactivity.  

Reducing Emotional Reactivity in Your Relationship

For instance, instead of snapping at your spouse after you had a bad day at work, you take a moment to calm yourself first so that you don't displace your emotional reaction to the situation at work onto your spouse. One way to reduce reactivity so that you can regulate your emotions is through mindfulness.

What is Mindfulness? 
On the most basic level, mindfulness is a state of focusing your awareness on the present moment while accepting your feelings, thoughts and body sensations. It takes practice to achieve a state of mindfulness, especially if you tend to be emotionally reactive (see my article: The Mind-Body Connection: Mindfulness Meditation).

5 Tips For Reducing Emotional Reactivity 

• Calm Yourself Before You React: Before you react, take a moment to breathe and calm your mind and your body. While you're calming yourself, use mindfulness techniques to become aware of what you're feeling, thinking and sensing in your body (see my article: The Mind-Body Connection: Developing a Felt Sense For Your Internal Experience ).

• Make an Agreement with Your Partner: The agreement is that neither of you will be emotionally reactive to the other, and if either of you feels like you're about to lose your temper, you'll take time to get calm. If this means that you take a break from the discussion to be alone for a short period of time, communicate this to your partner. If you're about to lose your temper, do something to calm yourself, like splashing cold water on your face.

• Tell Your Partner that You Want to Know What He or She Needs and Then Listen: Encourage your partner to tell you what s/he feels and what is needed from you. Listen carefully to what your partner is saying rather than focusing on your response (see my article: The Importance of Active Listening).

• Make an Effort to Understand What Your Partner is Trying to Communicate with You: Try to understand what's really being communicated beyond his or her angry tone and words.

• Don't Invalidate Your Partner's Experience When It's Your Turn to Respond: After you have listened to your partner's concerns and it's your turn to speak, don't invalidate or belittle your partner's concerns. Be respectful and, if you don't understand your partner's feelings, ask questions in a nonjudgmental way.

I'll provide a scenario in my next article to illustrate of what I've discussed in this article (see my article: Reducing Emotional Reactivity and Arguments in Your Relationship - Part 2.

Getting Help in Couple Therapy
Everyone needs help at some point.

If you've tried to change a reactive communication pattern in your relationship and you're been unable to do it, you and your partner could benefit from working with a couple therapist who can help you to understand and change the dynamics in your relationship (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples?).

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Overcoming Trauma With EMDR Therapy

In my prior article, How EMDR Works: EMDR and the Brain, I gave an overview of the basics of EMDR, including how emotional trauma affects the brain and how EMDR therapy helps to process trauma.

Overcoming Trauma With EMDR Therapy

In this article, which is a continuation of this topic, I'll give a composite scenario to demonstrate how EMDR therapy works.

I'll delve into some of the aspects of EMDR that are uniquely helpful to healing emotional trauma (for an overview of EMDR, see my article:  What is EMDR?)

As always, this composite is a combination of many different cases to protect confidentiality.

Alice
Alice came to therapy because she knew she was overreacting in her relationship with her boyfriend, Ed.

A day or so after she got angry with him, in hindsight, Alice could see that she had overacted, and she felt ashamed and guilty about it.  She would apologize and tell Ed that she would try not to be so reactive, but then a week or so later, she would find herself overreacting again, and this became an ongoing pattern in their relationship.

Alice loved Ed very much and she knew that Ed loved her.  When she was calm, she knew she could trust him, but when she was in the throes of an overreaction, she forgot all of this and she reacted as if he didn't love her and he wasn't trustworthy.

She would often feel rejected and abandoned by things that he said--only to realize afterwards that she overreacted once again.

This happened to Alice so frequently that she was beginning to feel like she was losing her mind.  After she calmed down, she couldn't understand how she could have felt so sure that he was rejecting and abandoning her when she was upset.

She asked herself:  Why couldn't she remember that he loved her?

Even though Ed was patient, Alice knew that her reactions would erode their relationship after a while. She knew she couldn't keep accusing him of being unloving and then apologize afterwards.  She knew she had to do something.

Having been in talk therapy in the past to deal with a traumatic childhood, Alice felt she needed to try a different type of psychotherapy, so when a friend told her how much EMDR helped her, Alice decided to give it a try.

Overcoming Trauma With EMDR Therapy

As we discussed Alice's family history, it became apparent that she was uprooted quite a bit from infancy to adolescence, due to her single mother's substance abuse problems.

During that time she was moved from her mother's home to her maternal grandmother's home and then to an aunt's house.

Finally, when she was a teenager, she moved back with her mother.  By then, her mother was sober, but her mother was still emotionally neglectful.

As an only child, Alice remembered feeling lonely and unloved.  Even though her grandmother and aunt took care of Alice's basic needs, they remained emotionally distant from her.  Alice would pray to have a loving adult come into her life, but she remained without emotional support.

Emotional Neglect:  The Past Affects the Present

As an adult, during her first therapy, which was talk therapy, Alice learned to make intellectual connections between the childhood emotional neglect and her feelings of being unlovable but, even though she had an intellectual understanding, talk therapy didn't help her to actually overcome these feelings.  So, she experienced herself as carrying around this heavy emotional burden throughout her life.

She usually managed to make only one or two close friends because she had a hard time trusting people.

While in college, even though she wanted to be in a loving romantic relationship, she had an even more difficult time trusting men because she felt too emotionally vulnerable to open up (see my article:  An Emotional Dilemma: Wanting But Dreading Love).

After college, having been in talk therapy, Alice knew that her feelings of being unlovable as an adult were connected to her early childhood neglect, but she didn't know how to change this.

She often wondered if she would ever feel emotionally safe enough to enter into a serious romantic relationship (see my article:  Adults Who Were Emotionally Neglected as Children Often Have a Hard Time Trusting).

When she met Ed, she knew he was one of the kindest, gentlest, loving men she ever met.

At first, they got along well.  But as they continued to see each other and got closer, after several months, Alice began to feel emotionally vulnerable and unsafe.

She knew these feelings weren't related to anything that Ed was doing or not doing, but she couldn't stop herself from seeing even the most innocuous remarks that he made as rejecting and abandoning.

During their last argument before Alice started therapy, Alice exploded when Ed said he had to work late and he couldn't see her.  She accused him of lying, not loving her, abandoning her and not caring about her feelings.

Overcoming Trauma With EMDR Therapy

Afterwards, Alice realized that she had overreacted, and she knew that Ed wasn't lying and that he genuinely cared for her.

As Alice recounted this argument and other similar arguments, she broke down in tears.  She said she was sick and tired of feeling this way, tired of accusing Ed of not loving her, and tired of the arguments that she started with him.  She also feared that she would bring about the very thing that she feared most--that Ed would get tired of her and leave her.

Developing Coping Skills as Part of Resourcing Before EMDR Processing
Since Alice came to do EMDR, I began by helping her to develop better coping skills so she could cope with her feelings both in our therapy sessions as we processed her traumatic background as well as in her everyday life.

We focused on helping her to respond instead of react (see my article:  Responding Instead of Reacting).

This phase of EMDR is called resourcing (for more details about resourcing, see  a prior article that I wrote).

As someone who was emotionally neglected as a child, Alice primarily knew only two maladaptive ways of attempting to cope:  overacting or emotionally shutting down.  She knew intellectually that neither way worked for her, but she didn't know what else to do.

After the resourcing phase of EMDR, we were ready to begin processing her traumatic childhood experiences which were triggering her emotional reactions in her current relationship.

Before we started, I reminded Alice that she was in complete control of the process in terms of stopping or pausing the EMDR processing if she felt too overwhelmed.

This is very important for people who have experienced early childhood trauma where they were overwhelmed, there was no one to soothe them, and they felt helpless to do anything about it.

Bridging Back in EMDR
Then, we used a recent memory of Alice being upset with Ed and used that to go back to her earliest memory of feeling this way as a child.

This concept in EMDR is derived from clinical hypnosis and it's known variously as the affect bridge, the float back technique or bridging (see my article:  Bridging Back to Heal).

How EMDR Works:  Bridging Back to Heal

Sensing her emotions and where she felt these emotions in her body, Alice was able to remember an early memory where she was being uprooted once again from her grandmother's house to her aunt's house and how scared and unloved she felt (see my article:  Overcoming the Emotional Pain of Feeling Unlovable).

This earlier memory turned out to be significant in terms of how she got triggered in her current relationship.

EMDR and Imaginal Interweaves
EMDR uses a concept called "imaginal interweaves" to help clients to process emotional trauma.  These imaginal interweaves are used to help clients to feel emotionally supported during the EMDR processing of the trauma memory (see Laurel Parnell's book, Attachment-Focused EMDR).

The goal of EMDR is not to analyze the memories.  After all, many people who come for EMDR therapy have already analyzed their memories in talk therapy and they have intellectual insight.  After talk therapy, what they often don't experience is emotional healing.

This is not to say that talk therapy doesn't work because I continue to do talk therapy.  But there are certain people with early trauma that aren't healed by talk therapy.

So, rather than analyzing the trauma, the goal of EMDR is to process the traumatic memories with some form of bilateral stimulation, BLS (see my prior article for an explanation of BLS) so that the client is no longer affected by the trauma.

To use imaginal interweaves, clients are asked to imagine protective and nurturing people who might have helped them during the trauma.

These protective and nurturing people can be actual people in the client's life who are either from now or back then.   They can also be people from movies, TV programs, books or people from history.

Imaginal interweaves can include anyone and EMDR clients are only limited by their imagination.

They can include an imagined "ideal mother," who is different from their actual mother.

EMDR and Imaginal Interweaves

The idea of using imaginal interweaves is not for the client to believe that anything other than what actually occurred is what happened.  The logical part of the brain knows that, in actuality, there was no one who helped.

But the emotional part of the brain can take in these imaginal interweaves and this is emotionally healing.  This is why imaginal interweaves they're used.  Al Pesso, who developed Psychomotor Therapy, refers to this as new symbolic memories (see my article:  Mind-Body Psychotherapy: Healing With New Symbolic Memories).

The Therapist's Empathic Attunement 
An EMDR therapist needs to know more than how to do EMDR.  She also needs to be exquisitely attuned to what's going on with the client and be able to track the client's emotional experience.

A skilled EMDR therapist needs to be in sync with the client.  This is often referred to as a "right brain to right brain" connection, which means that the therapist's right brain, the area of the brain for empathic attunement, senses what's going on emotionally with the client.

This also presupposes that the client and the EMDR therapist have already developed a good enough working alliance so that the client will allow this (see my articles:  The Creation of the Holding Environment in Psychotherapy and The Therapist's Empathic Attunement Can Be Emotionally Reparative to the Client).

The EMDR therapist must also be able to repair whatever ruptures might occur in therapy (see my article: Ruptures and Repairs in Therapy).

Whenever Alice became stuck in the EMDR processing, we used an imaginal interweave to help her to get unstuck so that the processing could continue.

Gradually, over time, Alice's level of emotional disturbance about this memory was significantly reduced.

EMDR and Generalizable Effects
At the same time, she was much less reactive in her relationship with Ed, so we could tell that the EMDR processing was have a generalizing effect.

Generalizable effects in EMDR means that the healing effects of EMDR are also carrying over to other memories and current interpersonal interactions.

Overcoming Trauma With EMDR Therapy

Completing EMDR Therapy
By the time that Alice completed EMDR therapy, she was no longer overreacting.  She was also no longer feeling unlovable, rejected or abandoned in her relationship.  She was able to free herself emotionally from her traumatic history so that she could live her life unencumbered by these memories.  She was also able could to develop meaningful friendships.

Getting Help in Therapy:
Reacting negatively to the present based on the past is a common experience for people who have experienced emotional trauma, especially if they experienced early childhood trauma.

If you feel that unresolved trauma is keeping you stuck, rather than spending your life reacting based on your past, you owe it to yourself to seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is trained in a mind-body oriented experiential therapy, like EMDR (see my articles:  Experiential Therapy, Like EMDR, Helps to Achieve Emotional Breakthroughs) and Reacting to the Present Based on Your Traumatic Past).

About Me:
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

One of my specialities is helping clients to overcome emotional trauma (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.