Relationships: Is Your Partner "Breadcrumbing" You? - Part 1

In the world of dating, there have always been people who like to play mind games with their dates and potential partners.  This isn't anything new. But there's a particular form of game playing that's usually especially manipulative and sadistic, and it's called "breadcrumbing."

Is Your Partner "Breadcrumbing" You?

What is Breadcrumbing?

Many people who have been hurt in relationships complain about being "ghosted" when the person they're involved with loses interest in them.

Ghosting occurs when someone ends a relationship abruptly with no explanation or communication.  The person who has been abandoned is left to wonder what happened and to pick up the emotional pieces after the ex has left.

Some people, who engage in ghosting in their relationships, even ghost their psychotherapist by disappearing from therapy without an explanation and being unresponsive to their therapist's efforts to find out what happened (see my article: Why Ghosting Your Psychotherapist is Harmful to You).

Breadcrumbing is worse than ghosting.  Breadcrumbing is usually the intentional act of leading a person on just to experience an ego boost and to control and dominate the other person and their situation.  There's no intention to explore a relationship.  

Breadcrumbing involves leading someone on with flattery, flirtatious behavior or sexual innuendos to keep the other person interested and to get attention.  

How Do You Know If Someone is Breadcrumbing You?

People who engage in breadcrumbing (this includes both men and women) are usually adept at intermittently drawing someone in, getting that person interested, getting attention from them, and then pulling back.

If someone pulls away, the person who engages in breadcrumbing initiates the cycle again, and it usually looks like this:

• They Send You Intermittent, Meaningless, Vague Messages:  Are you receiving casual messages that mostly lack substance and that occur inconsistently, like "What's up?" or "What's going on?" Occasionally, there might be messages that have some substance, but most of the messages are vague. These messages often come late at night. The purpose of these messages is to hook you in, especially if you're not showing interest or you have pulled away, and get you interested again to boost their ego.  In other words, this person is giving you "breadcrumbs"(or very little) to try to spark your interest--usually sexual interest.  They're also very good at knowing when your interest is beginning to wane, which is when they give you more breadcrumbs to try to get you interested again.
• They Just Want to Hook Up Without Any Commitment:  There's no intention to have a real relationship with you.  When you get together with him or her, s/he moves quickly to sexualize the encounter.  If this is what you want, there's no problem, but if you're looking for something more, you're going to be disappointed because it's not going to happen. 
• They're Noncommittal and Don't Like "Labels": When someone is breadcrumbing you for a superficial relationship or just to hook up, it's nearly impossible to pin them down.  There might be a lot of "checking in" via message or text, but it's hard to get a commitment from them as to when the two of you will get together--unless it's a spontaneous hook up.  Often, they'll tell you, conveniently, that they're "not into labels," which gives them a lot of wiggle room to make their encounters with you whatever they want at the time.
• You Might Doubt Yourself: After a few cycles of this moving towards you and then pulling back, you might begin to doubt yourself and what's going on between the two of you: Are they really interested in you or not?  Sometimes it seems that they are and other times it seems they're not.  Unless you know that you're dealing with a "player," you can really begin to lose confidence in yourself and your ability to figure out what's going on.
• You Don't Feel Good About Yourself:  After a while, all this push-pull behavior on their part can have a negative impact on your self esteem, especially if you like them.  If you're unaware of what's happening, you might think there's something wrong with you or that you did something wrong.  But, in fact, there's nothing wrong with you--this is all part of their game.
• They Get Defensive When You Call Them on Their Behavior:  Needless to say, people who engage in this behavior don't want to be called out on it.  If you confront them, they get defensive and, possibly, passive aggressive towards you.  They might try to blame you by telling you that you're imagining things or that you're making a "big thing out of nothing."

What to Do About Breadcrumbing

Breadcrumbing is usually intentional behavior, as previously mentioned.  But there are times when people who engage in this behavior do it unconsciously.  They might genuinely be interested in you, but their fear of being emotionally vulnerable or making a commitment keeps them from taking the relationship to the next level. When this happens they might unconsciously try to reengage you because they don't want to let you go.  But after a while, you begin to feel all the same negative feelings that people do when they're dealing with a player who is doing it intentionally.  At that point, you would have to decide if you want to continue to get hurt or if you want and deserve something better.

Even though they don't like to be called out on their behavior, if you recognize that you're being manipulated, it's important for your own sense of self worth to either call them out or stop engaging with them altogether.

If you recognize that they are playing games with you and you try to get them interested, you're playing right into their hands.  This is what they want because, more than anything, even though they're not really interested in you, they want your attention.  So, if you disengage from them, remain consistent in your withdrawal from them, and don't allow them to prey upon you, they will usually move onto the next unsuspecting person.

In my next article, I'll provide a clinical vignette to illustrate the dynamics of breadcrumbing:
Part 2: A clinical vignette about breadcrumbing
Part 3: Getting help in therapy if you think he's stringing you along

Getting Help in Therapy

People who engage in breadcrumbing are usually very skilled at choosing people who are emotionally vulnerable.  After all, if you're vulnerable, you're more likely to fall for their manipulation.

If you really get caught up in these games and if you're already emotionally vulnerable, you could get very hurt.  

A skilled psychotherapist, who has seen this behavior many times before, can help you to disentangle yourself from a player and help you to regain your sense of self worth.

Rather than remaining caught in a web of manipulation and game playing, you could develop a stronger sense of self and focus on being with someone who really cares about you.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I also use Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples to help resolve relationship issues.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Overcoming Your Guilt and Shame About "Thought Crimes"

Committing an act and having a thought about it are two very different things.  But for some people even having the thought is enough to make them feel guilty and ashamed--as if they're "bad."  They might know, logically, that thoughts can't harm anyone but, on an emotional level, they still feel bad (see my article: Understanding the Difference Between Guilt and Shame).

Overcoming Your Guilt and Shame About "Thought Crimes"

What is a "Thought Crime"?
Before we go any further, let's define what we mean by a thought crime.

A thought crime is considered an unacceptable or controversial thought that goes against conventional thinking.

The term thought crime (also known as "thoughtcrime") is derived from the novel, 1984, by George Orwell.  In the novel, a thought crime was a thought that went against the orthodoxy of the government and it was illegal.

As the term is used today by people who consider thoughts to be potentially toxic, a thought crime is anything that they believe goes against their own morals or the conventional morals of the community or society they live in.

As a result, different people will have different definitions of what constitutes unacceptable thoughts. For some people, the idea that there are unacceptable thoughts originates in their past or present religion.  For other people, the idea of unacceptable thoughts is derived from their family of origin.

For some people it's part of their obsessional style of thinking where they get caught up in a cycle of unacceptable thoughts, guilt and shame, and more unacceptable thoughts and so on.

A longstanding unresolved childhood traumatic history can also contribute to feeling guilty and ashamed about unacceptable thoughts (see my article: Are You Living Your Life Feeling Trapped By Childhood Trauma?).

Fictional Clinical Vignette: Overcoming Your Guilt and Shame About "Thought Crimes":
The following fictional vignette provides a typical example of how someone suffers with his unacceptable thoughts and how trauma therapy can help:

John
John was in his early 20s when he contacted a psychotherapist for a consultation.  He told her that he had chronic problems with falling and staying asleep.  He said that, over time, his primary care doctor prescribed different types of medication, but he continued to suffer with insomnia.

During the consultation, he revealed that his past and current medical doctors all ruled out any physiological problems and concluded that the problem was psychological.  However, John indicated that he didn't know of any particular incident that might have caused his insomnia.

When they talked about his family history, John revealed that he was an only child raised by a single mother, who was very strict.  She forced John to go with her to church from the time he was a young child until he moved out and went to college.

He said that his mother was fervent believer in the church's teachings and she imposed strict prohibitions based on those teachings, including the prohibition against premarital sex.  This included not only sexual intercourse but kissing, petting, masturbation and even having sexual thoughts.

John told his therapist that, as a child, he tried to follow his mother's rules, in part, because he was aware that his mother was very unhappy and he didn't want to add to her unhappiness.  He also wanted to avoid punished by her for breaking her rules.

But he admitted to his therapist that there were times when he was alone in his room that he would masturbate, and afterwards he would feel very ashamed and guilty about it.

He indicated that one night when he was 14 and he was alone in his room, he felt sexually aroused under his bed sheets while he fantasized about a girl in his classroom that he liked.  Just as he was achieved an erection, his mother walked in on him and saw it.

Even before his mother began yelling at him, John said, he felt extremely ashamed and guilty.  As his mother yelled and threatened him with eternal damnation, a part of him dissociated so that he no longer felt present in the room.

To add to his humiliation, by the next day, his mother forced him to see their pastor to confess his "sin" and to get help.  For the next six months, John was forced to have weekly sessions with his pastor and he was given relevant homework assignments to read the Bible.

He said that getting caught by his mother and having to see the pastor about his sexual thoughts was a chapter in his life that he never forgot.

From then on, whenever he had any sexual thoughts, he would try to force himself to shift his thoughts to something else.  But there were times when it was too challenging to shift his thoughts and he would pray for hours long into the night to let go of these thoughts.  By the next day, he was exhausted from his lack of sleep.

At those times, he described the guilt and shame as being almost unbearable, and there were times when he contemplated suicide.  But he never made any suicide attempts because he feared that his mother would be devastated and the suicide attempt would be an even bigger sin in his religion than having sexual thoughts.

He said he was further humiliated in his high school when other boys were talking about their sexual exploits and he remained silent.  They laughed at him, teased him, and called him "cherry boy" when he admitted that he had never been sexual.

By the time he went college, he was relieved to leave his mother's home.  Since he was born out of wedlock, John felt angry with his mother for her hypocrisy.  Following his birth, she became very religious.  Although he never confronted his mother about this, he saw her religiosity as being part of her own guilt and shame about engaging in premarital sex.

Throughout his first three years of college, John remained socially isolated and celibate.  By his fourth year, he felt so depressed and anxious that he sought help in the student counseling unit.  He found the counseling to be somewhat helpful in terms of allowing him to recognize his sexual arousal was normal.  This helped to soften his guilt and shame somewhat.

A few months after he started counseling at his college, John felt comfortable enough to masturbate when he was alone, and he had his first sexual encounter with a girl on a date.  Although he no longer felt as guilty and ashamed as he did before, he still felt some discomfort that he was a "bad person."  To make matters worse, he ejaculated prematurely, which made the experience unsatisfying for him and his date and deeply embarrassing for him.

As he and his therapist explored these issues, the therapist asked John if he began having insomnia when his mother caught him being sexually aroused at age 14.  In response, John thought about it for a moment and he was surprised to realize that the insomnia had, indeed, started at that age after his mother caught him.

His therapist helped John to understand the connection the trauma of his mother discovering his sexual arousal, the guilt and shame, and the consequent insomnia which continued through the years.

She also suggested that they process the memory of his mother walking in on him using a form of trauma therapy called Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy to see if his insomnia would resolve (see my articles: How EMDR Therapy Works: EMDR and the Brain and Experiential Therapy, Like EMDR Therapy, Helps to Achieve Emotional Breakthroughs).

Although it was difficult for John to go back into that memory, during EMDR therapy, he was able to tell his therapist that he still felt somewhat guilty and ashamed about it--even though he knew logically that having sexual thoughts is normal.  He could still remember the horrified look on his mother's face and how angry and disappointed she had been.

As John and his therapist continued to use EMDR, he began to feel better, and his sleep problem started to abate.

Over time, he was able to process his guilt and shame for his sexual thoughts as a 14 year and also for disappointing his mother.  He also felt on a visceral level (not just on rational level) that having sexual thoughts wasn't wrong, and he no longer felt like a "bad person" (see my article: What's the Difference Between Toxic and Healthy Shame?).

Overcoming Your Guilt and Shame About "Thought Crimes"

On the contrary, he could feel that he was actually a very good and decent person and he had nothing to feel guilty or ashamed about.

Over time, as John let go of his negative emotions about sexual thoughts, he also began socializing more easily. Eventually, he entered into a stable relationship with a woman he met at a party, and they were able to have a satisfying sexual relationship.

Conclusion
Feeling guilty and ashamed about having particular thoughts is a common experience for many people.

In the vignette above, the guilt and shame were about sexual thoughts, but any thought can be experienced as taboo.

Guilt and shame can manifest in physical symptoms like insomnia, headaches, stomachaches, backaches and other bodily symptoms.

Making these connections on your own is often difficult, but a skilled trauma therapist can help you to make the connections and also help you to resolve the underlying issues through a form of trauma therapy, like EMDR therapy.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy
If you've been feeling guilty and ashamed about your thoughts, you might know, on a rational level, that thoughts are harmless.  But on an emotional level, you can continue to feel these negative emotions because intellectual insight isn't enough to help you to change.

Unlike regular talk therapy, which can help you to develop intellectual insight, trauma therapy, like EMDR, gets to the deeper places in your brain where the unresolved trauma resides and helps you to process the trauma to the point of resolution.

Trauma therapy can free from your traumatic history so you can lead a fuller and happier life, so rather than suffering on your own, you owe it to yourself to get help from a skilled trauma therapist.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapists who works with individual adults (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy). 

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many clients to overcome longstanding trauma so they could lead happier lives.

I also use Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) to help couples with relationship problems.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Falling In Love With the Fantasy Rather Than the Reality

Many people who get into a relationship make the mistake of falling in love with what they see as the other person's potential rather than accepting the person as s/he actually is.  In my professional experience as a psychotherapist, this is especially true of women--although men also fall into this trap.  So, I'm going to address this issue from the woman's perspective, but it applies to everyone. This issue often brings people into therapy, which can help to identify the underlying issues and resolve the problem (see my article: The Problem With Trying to Change and "Improve" Your Partner and Are You In Love With Him or Your Fantasy of Him?).

Relationships: Falling In Love With the Fantasy of His "Potential" Rather Than the Reality of Who He  Is

It's not that people don't change.  Make no mistake--many people do change. As a psychotherapist, I see this every day.  People come to therapy with a desire to make positive changes, work hard in therapy and gradually make those changes over time.   Most of the time, those changes have a positive impact in their personal life as well as the lives of those who are near and dear to them.

The problem arises when the woman becomes so fixated on what she sees as his potential and her codependent need to change her partner that she loses sight of the fact that time is passing and he's not changing (see my article: Relationships: Overcoming the Need to Rescue Your Loved Ones as Part of a Codependent Pattern).

For many women, it's as if the fantasy of what they want materializes before their eyes and rather than seeing the person in front of them, they almost see their partner as being already transformed.

This often creates problems in the relationship.  Even when the man is in agreement with the changes that the woman wants to see, he's aware that, on some level, he's not "measuring up" to the woman's standards or that he's "falling short" in some way.

It's even worse when the man doesn't want to change.  He might want to please his partner, but if he doesn't see the need to change, he will often feel that his partner doesn't think he's good enough so it makes him feel insecure.

Whether the man wants to change or not, the constant reminder from the partner that he's not where she thinks he should be is often a source of conflict and destroys many relationships.

People often show who they are when they're in a relationship.  As the late Maya Angelou wisely said, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time."

If time has passed and he either can't or won't change, it's up to his partner to decide if she can accept him as he is or if she needs to let him go (see my article: Letting Go of Hope That's Based on Denial).

Letting go of someone you love can be excruciating, but it's usually better than remaining in a fantasy or making futile attempts to force change on someone (see my article: Should You Stay or Should You Leave Your Relationship?).

Often the problem with focusing on the fantasy rather than the reality is rooted in early childhood trauma, which can be resolved in trauma therapy (see my article: Reacting to the Present Based on Your Traumatic Experiences From the Past).

Fictionalized Vignette:  Falling In Love With the Fantasy Rather Than the Reality of Who He Actually Is:
The following fictionalized vignette is a common example of how someone can get stuck in this fantasy trap and how working in trauma therapy can help:

Sara
Two years into her relationship with Jack, Sara felt deeply unhappy, angry and frustrated with the state of Jack's financial affairs.

A year into their relationship, Jack moved into Sara's apartment.  This only made matters worse because Sara was able to see first hand the full extent of Jack's impulsive spending problems.  They were arguing almost every day about what she called his "irresponsible" and "immature" behavior when it came to managing his money.

She told her psychotherapist that Jack never tried to hide that he was heavily in debt, he wasn't making progress in resolving his problem, and that he refused to get help:

"I tried to do everything to help him change," Sara told her therapist during their first session, "I encouraged him to attend Debtor's Anonymous meetings.  I've begged him to go to therapy.  I helped him to develop a budget that he never follows.  I even lent him money to pay off his credit cards, but he continues to max out his credit cards, and he hasn't paid me back.  His parents have also bailed him out numerous times.  He's a great guy in every other way and I can see how he could make a great husband and father--if only he would change his impulsive spending habits. We're both in our mid-30s and we've talked about getting married and having children.  I don't want to wait too long or I might not be able to have kids.  But I can't marry him while he's so irresponsible.  I don't know what else I can do, and I'm afraid he's feeling more ashamed and angry every time I complain."

When her psychotherapist asked Sara what she wanted to accomplish in therapy, Sara said that she wanted to learn to be "more patient" with Jack rather than scolding him.  She feared that if she couldn't be more patient with him, their relationship would soon end, and she knew she would be "devastated" if that happened.

The therapist could see that Sara was very focused on "fixing" Jack rather than dealing with her own unhappiness in the relationship.  It was obvious that, despite everything that she had seen, Sara was still looking at Jack through a distorted fantasy lens rather than the actual person who was before her eyes.  She felt her dilemma was that she couldn't change him nor could she accept him as he was.

As they continued to explore this issue in the therapy sessions, Sara's therapist tried to help Sara to imagine what it might be like if they had a crystal ball and they could see that Jack would continue to refuse to get help and that he would never change.

At first, Sara resisted trying to imagine their relationship with no change in Jack.  She continued to hold onto the image of the "potential Jack" rather than the "actual Jack."  She said she couldn't  understand how he could be so wonderful in every other way and yet he remained stuck with regard to his impulsive spending.

But, as time went on, Sara began to gradually focus on her own feelings rather than focusing on Jack.  She considered the possibility that Jack might not change, and this was a painful process for her.  She still felt ambivalent about completely accepting this possibility.

Then, one day Sara came into her therapy session looking more dejected than usual.  She told her therapist that she and Jack had a huge argument after she found out that he spent his half of the money they were saving for a mortgage down payment frivolously--he bought a race horse.

Not only did he not consult her before he bought the horse, but he felt justified in doing it.  He told her that he saw it as an investment and he couldn't understand why she was so upset.

Going through this painful argument was what finally got Sara to let go of her denial and see Jack clearly as he was rather than as she wanted him to be.  She knew she couldn't accept him as he was and, initially, she blamed him for ruining their lives when it became obvious to her that she had to end the relationship.

Over time, with the help of her psychotherapist, Sara was able to see her part the problems.  She saw that she had been holding onto an unrealistic fantasy about Jack.  She also gained insight into the connection between her early wish to change her father, who destroyed her family with his impulsive spending, and her wish to change Jack.  She accepted that she couldn't change her father or Jack.

Using EMDR  (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) therapy, a form of trauma therapy, helped Sara to heal her past and current emotional wounds so she could move on with her life (see my articles: How EMDR Therapy Works: EMDR and the Brain and Experiential Therapy, Like EMDR Therapy, Helps to Achieve Emotional Breakthroughs).

Conclusion
Focusing on a fantasized potential (rather than the actuality of who he is) is a trap.  It keeps people stuck in a future fantasy of "what could be" rather than "what is" and "what won't change."

This perception is damaging to both partners individually and together in the relationship.

From a superficial perspective, it might be hard to understand why someone would remain frozen in this position, the dilemma becomes clearer when viewed from the perspective of the impact of early trauma.

Trauma therapy, like EMDR, can help someone who is stuck in this dilemma to overcome the current situation as well as the earlier trauma that is triggering it.

Getting Help in Therapy
If this article resonates with you, rather than remaining stuck, you could benefit from getting help in therapy.

A skilled trauma therapist can help you to understand your dilemma, make connections with your past and heal current and past trauma so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with adult individuals.

I also work with couples using Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Mental Health Awareness: Reducing the Stigma of Getting Help in Therapy

May is Mental Health Awareness month.  As part of Mental Health Awareness month, The National Alliance of Mental Illness (NAMI) has chosen the theme of reducing the stigma of mental illness, "Cure Stigma" as its theme this year to acknowledge that a stigma still exists for people with mental illness as well as a stigma for getting help in therapy. In addition, NAMI also to provides information, encourages people to get help, and provides advocacy for people with mental health problems.

Mental Health Awareness: Reducing the Stigma of Getting Help in Therapy

Treating Physical Symptoms Instead of the Underlying Emotional Problems at the Root of the Problem
Research has shown that one in every five Americans has a mental health problem, but many of these same people suffer in silence and never get help.

As a result their symptoms often get worse or develop into physical symptoms.  For instance, a person with untreated anxiety might develop headaches, backaches, digestive problems, insomnia or other physical problems.

Whereas this person might feel ashamed to get help for his anxiety, he feels much more comfortable seeing his primary care doctor about his physical symptoms because there's no stigma about the physical symptoms.

What Are the Consequences of Treating Physical Symptoms Instead of Treating the Underlying Emotional Problems at the Root of the Problem?
With regard to the example above, it's this person's doctor might treat only the anxiety-related physical symptoms without ever treating the underlying anxiety.

The doctor might provide this person with anti-anxiety medication for insomnia, which might help the insomnia, but then the underlying anxiety can manifest in another symptom--like irritable bowel syndrome (IBS).

At that point, the primary care doctor might refer the patient to a GI doctor, who might send this same patient for a CT scan to rule out any serious internal problems.   Finding none, the GI doctor will probably prescribe a different type of medication for the IBS to control the symptoms.

This can go on for quite some time as the anxiety-related symptoms manifest in all different physical symptoms because none of the doctors are dealing with the underlying emotional problem, which is anxiety, that is at the root of the physical problems.

But if someone with similar problems happens to have a primary care doctor who is trained to know that psychological problems are often at the root of medical problems, after the doctor has ruled out more serious physical problems, the doctor will advise the patient to get help in therapy.

Why is There Still a Stigma For Getting Help in Therapy?
Although it's now somewhat more acceptable for people to get help in therapy, many people, who need help, are afraid to seek the assistance that they need for a variety of reasons related to the stigma of going to therapy:

• They judge themselves harshly for needing help and feel ashamed.
• They believe they should just "get over" their problems.
• They believe they would be "self indulgent" or "too self centered" if they went to therapy.
• They believe only rich people attend therapy.
• They think that only "crazy" people seek help in therapy.
• They believe, far from being real, their problems are only in their imagination.
• They feel they don't deserve help.
• They believe that they must be "weak" if they need help (see my article: Common Myths About Psychotherapy: Going to Therapy Means You're "Weak").
• They believe they will have to remain in therapy for a long time to overcome their problems (see my article: Common Myths About Psychotherapy: Therapy Takes a Long Time).
• They're worried about what their family and friends might say if they found out that went for help in therapy.
• They believe the therapist will judge them.
• They don't know about Federal confidentiality laws, so they believe that their therapist might tell their employer or other people about the problems they discuss in therapy.
• They believe that going to see a therapist means they're paying the therapist to be their "friend," which makes them feel ashamed because they believe a therapist couldn't actually care about them.

What Can You Do to Reduce Your Fear of Getting Help in Therapy?

• Know that you're not alone.  There are skilled mental health professionals who can help you.
• Know that a skilled therapist has experience helping other clients with similar problems to yours and she won't judge you for your problems.
• Know that a licensed psychotherapist can't divulge your information under Federal law without your written consent unless you're an active harm to yourself or others (you have a thought, intent and plan to hurt yourself or someone else and you refuse to make an agreement with your therapist not to take action) or you're engaging in child abuse (psychotherapists are mandated reporters and must report child abuse to the state).
• Know that seeking help in therapy doesn't mean you're "weak."
• Know that seeking help in therapy doesn't mean you're "crazy."
• Know that everyone needs help at some point in their lives and everyone is deserving of help.
• Talk to trusted family and friends who would be supportive of your getting help.
• Know that you can see a psychotherapist for an initial consultation to see if you feel comfortable with her and to obtain psychoeducation about how therapy works (see my article: Why It's Important for Psychotherapists to Provide Psychoeducation About How Therapy Works).
• Know that you decide what your therapy goals are, you're in charge of your therapy and you can go for as long as you want to go.
• Most psychotherapists are empathetic towards their clients' suffering.  You're not paying them to be your "friend."  You're paying them for their expertise and time to help you to help yourself.

Conclusion
There are many reasons why people avoid going to therapy even though they would benefit from it.

Although it's considered much more acceptable to go to therapy now than it was in the past, there is still a stigma among some people about going to therapy.

Psychoeducation about psychotherapy is important, and you can consult with one or more psychotherapists to get this information and see which therapist is right for you.

Rather than suffering on your own and risking that your problems will get worse, you would benefit from getting help from a licensed mental health professional so you can resolve your problems and lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

I use Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), recognized as the leading couples therapy, when I work with couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How Past Psychological Trauma Lives on in the Present

A history of psychological trauma often lives on in the present.  Among other problems, it can create problems with trusting others.  As a result, people with a history of trauma often have internal conflicts about entering into a romantic relationship.  Many clients come to therapy when their conflict between their fear and their longing for love becomes unbearable (see my article: An Emotional Dilemma: Wanting and Dreading Love).

How Past Psychological Trauma Lives on in the Present

Most people want to form loving relationships, so conflicting feelings of dread and longing for a close relationship pose a painful dilemma.

When the source of the fear involves unresolved psychological trauma, people can't work it out on their own.  They need the help of a skilled trauma therapist.

Fictionalized Scenario: Overcoming Psychological Trauma
The following fictionalized scenario, which is a composite based on many actual psychotherapy cases (with no identifying information), illustrates how trauma therapy can help:

Ann
Ten years after she was sexually assaulted while she was on a date, Ann sought therapy to overcome her fears of socializing and developing relationships with men.

During the initial consultation, Ann told the trauma therapist that she was sexually assaulted while she was a senior in college.  All she remembered from that night was going to the local bar near the college on her first date with Ed.

Her next memory was of waking up in her dorm room feeling groggy, achy and bruised around her legs and genital area.  She had no recollection of anything that happened between arriving at the bar and waking up in her bed.

She said that when she confronted the Ed about about her bruises and her grogginess, he was very anxious around her.  He also gave her a vague apology but, despite her insistence, he refused to say anything more.  After that, Ed refused to talk to her anymore.

Ann told the therapist that she knew she had probably been drugged and raped by Ed, but she was so ashamed about the incident that she never spoke to anyone about it.  She was afraid that others would blame her for the assault. She imagined them telling her, "You should have been more careful" or "Maybe you drank too much."  As a result, she told herself that she would put the incident behind her and try not to think about it anymore.

But far from being able to put the incident behind her, from time on, Ann was fearful of meeting and dating men.  She only went out with men when she knew she would be in a group setting where she felt safe.  But even though Ann felt fearful of being alone with a man, she also felt lonely and she wanted to eventually get married and have children.

A couple of weeks before she came for the therapy consultation, Ann celebrated her 31st birthday with her women friends.  Although she had a good time, Ann was also aware that after her birthday celebration, each of her friends was going home to a boyfriend or a husband, and she was going home alone.  She was also aware that, at 31, she was facing her "biological clock" in terms of having children.

During the next several sessions, Ann and her therapist talked about Ann's conflicting feelings about getting involved with men.

They also talked about EMDR therapy, a therapy that was developed in the early 1980s by Francine Shapiro, Ph.D. specifically to help clients to overcome psychological trauma (see my articles: How EMDR Therapy Works: EMDR and the Brain).

After the preparation phase of EMDR therapy, they targeted the memory of Ann waking up after the date where she was assaulted. While doing this work, Ann discovered that her negative belief about herself was "I'm powerless," which was how she felt that day and also how she felt whenever she thought about going out with men that she was currently attracted to in the present.

Over the next few months, based on the EMDR protocol, Ann and her therapist processed her past memories, her current fears and her anticipated fears about the future.

The work was neither quick nor easy, but it delved deeper and was quicker than talk therapy would have been.

After several months of EMDR therapy, Ann no longer felt traumatized by her memory and she no longer feared going out with men (see my article: Experiential Therapy, Like EMDR Therapy, Helps to Achieve Emotional Breakthroughs).

Overcoming Psychological Trauma With EMDR Therapy

A few months later, she was able to enter into a dating relationship with a man that she met at a professional meeting.  A year after that, she and her boyfriend got engaged.

Conclusion
The fictionalized scenario above was about a sexual assault, but there are many other types of trauma that pose obstacles in terms of feeling safe enough to develop a romantic relationship, including physical and emotional abuse, early loss of and unresolved grief for a parent, early abandonment, a prior history of infidelity or betrayal in a relationship, and other similar situations.

Usually, people don't make the connection on their own between their traumatic history and the obstacles that are getting in their way, and they discover the effect of their trauma once they begin therapy.

Experiential therapies, like EMDR and other trauma therapy, are usually more effective than regular talk therapy for overcoming trauma (see my article: Why Experiential Therapy is More Effective Than Regular Talk Therapy to Overcome Trauma).

Getting Help in Therapy
If you're struggling with a history of unresolved trauma, you owe it to yourself to get help from an experienced trauma therapist (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

By overcoming unresolved trauma, you can free yourself from your history so that you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, Somatic Experiencing and AEDP therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with adult individuals, and I use Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples.

One of my specialties, as a trauma therapist, is helping clients to overcome psychological trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Overcoming Childhood Trauma With Experiential Therapy: What You Fear Now Has Already Happened

For adults who were traumatized as children, childhood trauma (also known as developmental trauma) remains active emotionally and physiologically throughout adulthood without help in therapy (see my article: Developmental Trauma: Living in the Present As If It Were the Past).

Overcoming Childhood Trauma With Experiential Therapy: What You Fear Has Already Happened

Adults with developmental trauma often experience the same fears they felt as children, however, they usually don't realize that they're experiencing emotions from the past rather than the present.

When old emotions get triggered in the present, they can be so powerful that they feel like they're related to the here-and-now rather than the past, but they are really old activation.

The trauma has already happened, but the emotional triggers make the emotions feel like they're current (see my article: Working Through Psychological Trauma: Separating "Then" From "Now").

The reason why they feel like they're from the present is that the trauma hasn't been processed in therapy.  In other words, the trauma remains "unmetabolized" (or unprocessed) in the brain and the nervous system hasn't been "updated" yet.

Although an adult with developmental trauma can try to tell himself that the current trigger is from an old feeling in the past, this usually isn't enough to keep him from getting triggered again.  This is because this type of self talk appeals to the logical part of the brain, the prefrontal cortex and not the deeper part of the brain, the limbic system, where the trauma resides.

Experiential Therapy is More Effective Than Talk Therapy to Overcome Trauma
As a psychotherapist with over 20 years of experience helping clients to overcome traumatic experiences, I know that experiential psychotherapy is the most effective modality to overcome trauma (see my article: Why Experiential Therapy is More Effective Than Talk Therapy to Overcome Trauma).

As I've mentioned in my other articles, regular talk therapy doesn't get to the limbic part of the brain, which is why clients often develop insight (or an intellectual understanding) of their trauma, but their traumatic symptoms don't change.  They continue to get emotionally triggered in the present (see my article:  Coping With Trauma: Becoming Aware of Your Emotional Triggers).

Experiential therapy includes EMDR therapy (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), Somatic Experiencing (also known as SE), clinical hypnosis, and AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy).  See my articles: How EMDR Therapy Works: EMDR and the Brain and Experiential Therapy, Like EMDR Therapy, Helps to Achieve Emotional Breakthroughs).

Fictional Clinical Vignette: Overcoming Childhood Trauma: What You Fear Has Already Happened
The following fictional vignette, which is similar to many actual psychotherapy cases, illustrates how experiential therapy helps clients to overcome developmental trauma so they're no longer triggered in the present:

Ann
Ann started experiential therapy to overcome her fear of getting romantically involved with a new man she was dating.

Two months before she started therapy, Ann met John at a party where they immediately hit it off.  When John took her out on their first date, Ann felt excited and happy to be spending time with him.  They talked for hours and it was clear that they had a lot in common and there was a strong sexual chemistry between them.

But as they continued to date and their feelings for each other deepened, Ann began to feel more fearful than happy to see John.  She knew that she still liked him a lot and that he liked her very much.  But she kept imagining scenarios where John would hurt her and stop seeing her (see my article: Wanting and Dreading Love).

The deeper her feelings became for John, the more fearful she became.  After a while, she was so fearful that there were times when she was tempted to cancel dates with John to avoid her fear. At the same time, she knew that her fear wasn't really about John.

So, she tried to reason with herself by telling herself that her fears weren't related to anything that John was doing or not doing.  But her self talk only calmed her for the moment until the fears resurrected again (see my article: Fear of Abandonment Can Occur Even in a Healthy, Stable Relationship).

She recognized her fears about John as being part of her usual pattern with men.  Whenever she met a man that she really liked, she would become infatuated with him, but as they continued to see each other, her fears of getting hurt would increase to the point where she would end the relationship (see my article: Overcoming Your Fear of Falling In Love and Getting Hurt Again).

Ann didn't want to allow her fear of getting hurt to ruin her relationship with John.  So, she talked to her close friend, Sue, about it.  Sue told Ann that she tried for years to overcome similar fears in regular talk therapy, but talk therapy didn't resolve her problem.  She told Ann that she was able to overcome these fears in experiential therapy, and she encouraged Ann to find an experiential therapist.

After the initial consultation where Ann gave the therapist an overview of the problem and the therapist explained how she worked with experiential therapy, Ann gave her family history in the next therapy session.

Ann explained that she had been close to both of her parents as a young girl, but she was especially close to her father ("I was a real daddy's girl").  Every day she waited up for her father to come home from work so he could read her a bedtime story before she went to sleep.  He would tuck her in and wait until she fell asleep before he left her side.

But shortly after her sixth birthday, her father told her that he had to go away for three months "to get better."  When she asked him if he was sick, he explained that he had a disorder that was completely curable if he got help.  He told her that he loved her and asked her not to worry while he was gone.

Ann told her therapist that she never saw her father again, and her mother refused to talk to her about what happened to her father.

She explained to her therapist that it was many years later, as an adult, that she found out from her paternal aunt that her father had a drug problem and he went to rehab.  However, he left rehab shortly after he arrived, no one ever heard from him since that time, and the family presumed that he was either still in the grips of his addiction or he was dead.  She told Ann that the family tried to find him, but there was no trace of him.

With regard to Ann's fears about her boyfriend, John, her therapist used a hypnotherapy technique called the Affect Bridge to get to the earliest memory related to Ann's fears of being left by John.  It was not surprising to the therapist when Ann's earliest memory of this fear was feeling abandoned by her father.

Over a period of time, using EMDR therapy, Ann's therapist helped Ann to process her earliest memories related to feeling abandoned by her father.  The therapeutic work was gradual, but Ann felt better each time she did an EMDR session with her therapist.

Since EMDR uses a three-pronged approach of working on the past, present and future, Ann and her therapist worked on her fears from the past, her current fears, and her fears about the future.

By attending her EMDR sessions regularly, Ann gradually overcame her fear of being abandoned, and her relationship with John continued to deepen without her usual fear.

Conclusion
The fictional vignette in this article illustrates how developmental trauma can get played out in the present.

In the vignette, Ann already had an awareness that she experienced the same fears in her prior relationships, those fears led her to end those relationships, and her fears about the current relationship weren't related to anything that John was doing.

Although she was determined not to act on her fears in her relationship with John, her attempts at positive self talk to overcome her fears weren't successful because they didn't get to the area in the brain where the developmental trauma resided, the limbic system.

The Affect Bridge from hypnotherapy helped Ann and her therapist to trace back the origin of Ann's fear.  EMDR therapy enabled Ann to process the trauma from the past and her fears about the present and future so that Ann was no longer affected by her childhood trauma.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you're struggling with developmental trauma, you owe it to yourself to work with a licensed mental health professional who practices experiential therapy.

Once you've processed the earlier trauma, you'll be free from your traumatic history so that you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples, and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What's the Difference Between Healthy Shame and Toxic Shame?

Shame is an emotion that is hardwired in all mammals, including humans, from the time of birth.  But not all shame is alike, and being able to distinguish healthy shame from toxic shame is important to your overall well-being (see my articles: Healing Shame in Therapy and Understanding the Difference Between Guilt and Shame).

What's the Difference Between Healthy Shame and Toxic Shame?

Why is Shame Hardwired in All Mammals?
Being able to experience healthy shame can help us from making mistakes that would otherwise alienate us from our family, friends and communities.  This was true even when people lived in small communities or tribes when an individual couldn't survive outside of the community.

The ability to feel healthy shame when we have made a mistake, especially a mistake that was damaging to another, enables us to feel remorse so that we can make amends to the person who was hurt by our mistake.

An Example of Healthy Shame
For instance, if Bob says something that is unkind to his friend, Joe, and can see that the Joe looks hurt, Bob feels a sense of healthy shame for hurting his friend.  As soon as he sees the hurt look on Joe's face, Bob blushes and feels a pang in his stomach because he really cares for Joe and he would never intentionally hurt him.  Bob's sense of empathy is what allows Bob to put himself in Joe's place to sense how Joe feels.

In addition, these physical cues (e.g., blushing and the pang in his stomach) and the feeling of shame are indications to Bob that he needs to apologize to Joe to repair their relationship.  Bob realizes that he was in a bad mood and he took it out on Joe, so he explains this to Joe and gives him a heartfelt apology.  Realizing that Bob's remark is uncharacteristic of Bob, Joe accepts Bob's apology and they go to lunch.  After the apology, their friendship remains intact and they go on as they had before.

But imagine if Bob didn't feel healthy shame, and he made unkind remarks to Joe without any sense of remorse.  You can imagine that sooner or later Bob wouldn't have Joe or many other friends left because he would have alienated them with his unkindness.  And, worst of all, he wouldn't try to repair things with his friends because he had no sense of remorse.

There are some people, who have narcissistic tendencies, who lack empathy for others, and this makes it difficult for them to sense what others are feeling.  As a result, they often don't have a healthy sense of shame, and this complicates their relationships with others.

An Example of Toxic (or Unhealthy) Shame
Ida is an artist, and she enjoys painting. Her friends often compliment her artwork and encourage her to have a gallery showing.  One of her friends, Marie, owns a gallery and she has really been urging Ida to show her work in her gallery.

Whenever Ida gets compliments from her friends, she feels ashamed, especially when Marie invites her to show her work in the gallery.  When she hears these compliments, Ida blushes and her stomach feels queasy.  Sometimes, she feels numb emotionally.  Her first thought whenever she gets compliments on her work is, "I'm really not a good artist.  I wish they would stop complimenting me because it makes me feel so uncomfortable, and my work feels so unimportant."

One day, Marie brought an art dealer to Ida's art studio without telling Ida in advance.  When the art dealer praised Ida's work and offered to represent her, Ida's shame was so acute that she felt like she was going to faint.

On an intellectual level, Ida knew that the art dealer wouldn't be making this offer unless she really thought Ida's work was superior.  But on an emotional level, Ida felt so ashamed that she wanted to hide.  She managed to pull herself together enough to take the art dealer's business card and tell her that she would call her within the next few weeks.

Afterwards, when Ida and Marie were alone, Marie told Ida that she couldn't understand why Ida was so hesitant to take the art dealer up on her offer, "Ida, I know you want to sell your work, and Susan is one of the top art dealers in New York City.  Why aren't you jumping on this?"

Ida wasn't sure how to respond because she felt confused about her own emotions.  When she explained this to Marie, Marie suggested that Ida seek help from a psychotherapist to find out what was blocking her emotionally.

A week later, Ida began therapy with an experiential therapist, who was recommended to her.

Over time, when Ida and her therapist traced Ida's sense of shame to Ida's childhood history, Ida remembered her mother's reactions whenever Ida tried to show her mother her artwork, "My mother would scold me every time, and she would tell me that there were much more important things in life than doing artwork.  Then, she would tell me about children who were starving in other countries and that my sense of pride about my artwork was shameful in the face of the suffering that other children had to endure.  She told me that I was being a showoff."

As Ida talked about this with her psychotherapist, she remembered feeling mortified that she was excited about her artwork.  She continued to do artwork, but she stopped showing it to her mother and she never felt that sense of joy or pride in it. Instead, she felt toxic shame for working on her art.  And whenever someone complimented her artwork, the toxic shame that developed in childhood got triggered.

Ida was relieved to know that there was a coherent explanation to her toxic shame and that she and her therapist were able to trace it back to its origins.  But she also knew that this toxic shame was so emotionally debilitating to her, and she wanted to know how to overcome it.

As an experiential psychotherapist, Ida's therapist used many different therapy modalities, including AEDP, which stands for Accelerated Experiential Developmental Psychotherapy and EMDR therapy, which stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing.

As part of the AEDP modality, the therapist explained that everyone has a multiplicity of selves, including a here-and-now adult self and all the various selves throughout a lifetime, including a young child part, a teenage part, etc (see my article: Understanding the Different Aspects of Yourself).

Then her therapist asked Ida to focus on her internal emotional world and access her adult self in order to speak to her mother from an adult perspective, as opposed to speaking from the frightened child self (see my article: Looking at Your Childhood Trauma From an Adult Perspective).  She encouraged Ida to imagine her mother in the room and asked Ida what she wanted to say to her mother about how she shamed Ida.

Ida was able to access her adult self and felt righteous anger about how her mother shamed her.  From this perspective, Ida imagined her mother in the chair next to her in the therapist's office and she told her mother, "How dare you shame a child like that!  I was only five years old when you started telling me these things.  I wanted you to be proud of my work and to encourage me.  But, instead, you turned my artwork into something ugly, as if I was selfish. I no longer accept your words of shame."

In AEDP, this is imaginal work is called a portrayal, similar to "chair work" in Gestalt therapy or other forms of experiential therapy.  At first, a client might feel awkward about speaking to an imaginal figure in the room.  But most clients eventually become comfortable and feel a sense of relief after they do a portrayal.  Pent up feelings that have been stored in the mind and body for many years are released.

It often takes more than one portrayal to complete this work, and in our example, Ida did a number of portrayals over time in therapy by speaking to her mother and addressing her anger and sadness about the way her mother shamed her.

Her therapist also helped Ida to do "parts work."  She explained to Ida that, whereas portrayals are inter-relational work between the client and someone else, parts work is intrapsychic work.

In Ida's case, she remained grounded in her adult thoughts and emotions and she imagined her five year old self sitting next to her in the therapy session.  She even brought in a picture of herself at the age of five to show her therapist before they began doing the parts work.

Her therapist explained to Ida that Ida's five year old self was the "container" for the toxic shame, and that this younger self needed the help of her adult self to heal.  So, Ida imagined herself talking to her younger self and soothing her with a hug.  She and her therapist repeated this work a number of times in their therapy session.

Then they did EMDR therapy to work through the traumatic emotions that were stored in the five year old self (see my articles: What is EMDR Therapy?, How EMDR Therapy Works: EMDR and the Brain and Overcoming Trauma With EMDR Therapy When the Past is in the Present).

After Ida worked through her toxic shame, she was able to feel joy and exuberance again about her artwork.  She no longer felt ashamed.  Instead, she felt a healthy sense of pride about her work.  This enabled her to show her work at her friend's gallery and contact the art dealer for representation.

Conclusion
Whereas healthy shame is hardwired and a necessary part of functioning well in society, toxic shame is traumatic.  Toxic shame often has its origins in childhood when a child was dependent upon his or her parents to survive and had little in the way of healthy defenses to ward off the shame.

Although toxic shame can be emotionally and physically debilitating, experiential therapy can help people with toxic shame to overcome the trauma which led to the development of this unhealthy shame.

Getting Help in Therapy
Regular talk therapy can help clients to develop intellectual insight as to why their shame is toxic, but it's often unhelpful in terms of allowing these clients to change on an emotional level (see my article: Why Experiential Therapy is More Effective Than Regular Talk Therapy to Overcome Trauma).

Experiential therapy, like AEDP, EMDR, Somatic Experiencing, parts work, and clinical hypnosis, are modalities that help clients to shift out of toxic shame.

If you're experiencing toxic shame, rather than continuing to suffer, you owe it to yourself to work with an experiential psychotherapist, who can help you to work through your problems so you're free of toxic shame.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and Emotionally Focused therapy (EFT for couples)  See my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy.

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to overcome toxic shame so they could live happier, more fulfilling lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.