You're Happy About Making Progress in Therapy, But Your Loved Ones Might Find the Change Challenging

People who are happy about making progress in their therapy are often surprised to discover that their loved ones aren't ready for the change.  Sometimes, even loved ones, who begged them to make these same changes, are uncomfortable with the changes once they've occurred.

You're Happy About Making Progress in Therapy, But Your Loved Ones Might Find the Change Challenging

Why Are Loved Ones Uncomfortable With the Changes You're Making?  
At first glance, this might not make sense.  But as we take a moment to consider the dynamics involved with change and how it affects the family system, we can begin to see that even change that we and our loved ones have wanted for a long time can be stressful and family members might resist.

Change in a family system, even change that everyone would agree is for the best, can upset the so-called "apple cart" in unexpected ways.

Let's take a look at an example, which is a composite of many different cases, that illustrates how even positive change in a relationship can create resistance in a family:

Bob
Several months before Bob started therapy, his wife, Alice, organized an intervention with their adult children and Bob's siblings to confront him about his excessive drinking.  Prior to this, Alice had tried everything she could think of to try to get Bob to stop drinking--all to no avail.

When Bob walked into the house and saw everyone, he knew immediately why his family was assembled and he nearly walked out in anger.  But Tom, Bob's older brother, who was someone that everyone in the family looked up to, including Bob, gently took his arm and brought him into the room.

Although Bob was angry at first, but as his wife and family spoke to him about how worried they were about him and how his drinking affected them, he was moved to tears.  He already knew everything that they were telling him, but hearing it from everyone at the same time was both powerful and humbling.

From that day forward, Bob made a commitment to himself and to his family that he would stop drinking.  He began attending A.A. regularly.  He got a sponsor.  And, when he was sober for six months of sobriety, he began attending therapy--something he thought he would never do.

As Bob began to work on unresolved emotional issues in therapy, he started feeling a little more confident in himself.  And as he became a little more confident, he realized that, throughout the years, his wife had assumed most of the responsibility for their lives and he had been absent from that process for all of that time.  Now that he was sober and making changes in himself, he wanted to be more involved.

For instance, during almost their entire marriage, Alice raised their children.  She made all the financial decisions.  She paid the bills.  She decided how they would invest their money and which charities they would contribute to.  She also made decisions about which contractors they would use to renovate the house...and so on.

But when Bob told Alice that he wanted to be more involved with these decisions, she told him that she had "everything under control" and he didn't need to worry about it.

This confused Bob.  He thought he was offering to take some of the burden off Alice's shoulders, but her response gave Bob the impression that she actually didn't want him involved.

So, Bob asked Alice if they could talk about this because he recognized that this would be a big change for both of them.  Alice readily agreed to talk.

At the start of their discussion, she told him that she was so happy that he stopped drinking and he was getting help to stay sober.  But she had been making the financial decisions, and she didn't see any need to change this now.

Bob could see that Alice was starting to get upset when she asked him, "Don't you trust me any more to make financial decisions that are best for both of us?  Haven't I done a good job all these years while you were getting drunk?  Why should we change now?"

Bob tried to assure Alice that he thought she was great at how she managed all these years--this wasn't a criticism of her.  He tried to explain that since he got sober, his mind was clearer, he was opening up more in his therapy, and he realized that he had been absent for many of the major decisions.  He regretted that he was so out of it that she was left on her own to shoulder these responsibilities.  And now that he was sober and he was working on making changes in himself, he also wanted to make changes within their relationship and feel like an equal partner.

Their discussion devolved into an argument with Alice accusing him of trying to take control away from her, and Bob trying to explain that he wanted to share in these decisions--not take them away from Alice.

During Bob's next therapy session, he talked to his therapist about the argument, which upset him and made him think about drinking.  He felt that even though Alice told him that she was happy that he was making positive changes in himself, it seemed that, on some level, she wasn't completely happy about it, and this hurt and angered Bob.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you have been struggling on your own with unresolved problems, you owe it to yourself to get help from a licensed mental health professional.

Psychotherapy can help to free you from your history so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Are You Pulling Together or Pulling Apart?

When you've been in a relationship for a while, it's easy to slip into unhealthy habits that are damaging to your relationship without even realizing it.  So, it's a good idea to take stock of your relationship every so often to look at whether you're pulling together or pulling apart.

Are You Pulling Together or Pulling Apart in Your Relationship?

Develop Positive Habits Early in Your Relationship

• Set aside time to talk about your hopes, plans, and dreams.  This means "unplugging" and setting aside all distractions so you're focused on one another.
• Talk about things that are bother you in a tactful, non-accusatory way, rather than allowing resentments to fester.
• Don't criticize:  You can say what you don't like without blaming your partner.
• Choose your battles.  Don't nitpick.
• Take responsibility for your part in whatever problems you have.
• Make amends, if possible, as soon as possible.
• Be considerate of one another.
• Remember to express your gratitude to your partner.
• Remember that your partner is with you voluntarily--s/he doesn't have to stay.

See my articles:
Relationships: The Importance of Unplugging to Spend Quality Time Together
Relationships: Creating Special Times Together

Relationships: The Importance of Expressing Gratitude

How Do Relationships Change From Being Supportive to Unsupportive?
People who are in long term relationships often discover that, just like anything else, their relationships change.

Change occurs for a variety of reasons, and the underlying issues are different for each relationship.

The best case is scenario is that two people in a relationship grow and change together in a way that is mutually supportive.  But this isn't always the case.

It's usually easier to take care of problem, whatever the problem might be, in the earlier stages.

Unhealthy Habits in Long Term Relationships
Over time, it's easy to get into unhealthy habits in long term relationships that, eventually, erode the quality of your relationship.  Then, it's a matter of repairing the emotional damage that has been done.

One of the main complaints I hear from clients who come to see me for couples counseling in my psychotherapy private practice in NYC is that one or both people feel their partner is being overly critical.

Being overly critical is one of the most damaging things you can do in your relationship.  By being overly critical, you might not realize it, but you're expressing your contempt for your partner and your partner feels it.

See my articles:
Relationships: Learning How to Stop Criticizing Your Spouse
Relationships: Overcoming Push-Pull Power Struggles

Getting Help in Therapy
It's important to realize that even the best relationships can go through a rough patch.

Many couples can work out their issues on their own, especially if they address their problems together early on.

Many other couples find that they benefit from working with a couples therapist who has expertise in helping the couple to navigate through their problems.

When choosing a couples therapist, it's important to choose a licensed mental health professional and not a coach.

Why is this?  Because there are often deep-seated emotional issues for one or both people that might be getting triggered in the relationships and a coach isn't qualified to deal with these type of issues.

See my article:
Relationships: Unresolved Childhood Issues Can Create Problems in Your Adult Relationships

It's also important to choose a therapist that both people feel comfortable with and with whom both people feel a rapport.

See my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist

Taking the First Step to Overcome the Problems in Your Relationship
Taking the first step is often the hardest, but once you've both acknowledged that there are problems, getting help can make a meaningful difference to overcoming your problems.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my web site:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Your Spouse Can't Meet All of Your Needs

As a psychotherapist in NYC who sees both individual clients and couples, one of the biggest complaints I hear from therapy clients involves the unrealistic expectation that a spouse should meet all of their needs.

Relationships: Your Spouse Can't Meet All Your Needs

When you choose a romantic partner or a spouse, you want that person to have similar values on core issues that are most important to you, including whether or not to have children, your views on money, sexual compatibility, monogamy, trustworthiness and, for many couples, religious or spiritual views.  In addition, when you have some similar recreational interests or hobbies, it makes the relationship more fun and interesting.

You also want a spouse who is empathetic and emotionally supportive--someone who is a friend as well as a lover.

But expecting that your spouse will meet all of your needs isn't realistic, and it places a strain on your relationship that can cause long term problems.

This is why it's so important to develop and maintain friendships outside of your relationship that help you to fill fulfilled in the areas of your life where some of your needs aren't being met in your relationship.

Let's take a look a the following scenario, which is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information changed:

Sue and Bill:
Sue and Bill met in college on the West Coast.  At the time, they had many friends in common and they enjoyed going out on dates together as well as seeing their friends.

After they graduated from college, Sue and Bill got married and moved to NYC, where they didn't know anyone, to begin their careers.  Most of their friends remained on the West Coast.

Several months after they were settled into their jobs and their new apartment, Sue decided she wanted to resume her yoga practice.  When she was in college, she would go to yoga with her friends, Ellen and Betty.  Afterwards, they would go to brunch feeling blissful from their yoga class.

After Sue and Bill moved to NYC, she missed this shared experience and tried to persuade Bill to go with her.  But Bill had no interest in yoga.  He liked going to the gym for a vigorous workout.

Whenever Sue would try to convince him to come with her by telling him about all the health and emotional benefits of going to yoga, Bill felt that Sue was nagging him.  Sue felt that Bill was being obstinate and he didn't understand how much this meant to her.

So, one day, Bill relented and he went to one of Sue's yoga classes.  Sue was thrilled and she told him that he wouldn't regret it.  When they arrived, Bill was relieved to see that there were several other men in the class.

But once the class got started, Bill felt self conscious.  Everyone else was able to go through the poses smoothly and he was at least one or two paces behind.  The teacher helped him to get into the various yoga poses, but this only made Bill feel more self conscious, and he couldn't understand why anyone would enjoy this.

After class, Sue was glowing.  As they strolled to a nearby cafe, she talked about the next yoga class that they could attend together.  But Bill shook his head and told her, "I tried it because I know it means a lot to you, but it's not for me."

Sue tried to convince Bill that if he went to a few more classes and stuck with it, he would soon learn the poses and feel more relaxed.  But Bill was having none of it, and he told her that he wasn't going to attend any more yoga classes.

Sue felt hurt and annoyed.  She felt that Bill's refusal put a damper on the rest of the weekend for her.  She couldn't understand why Bill was behaving this way.  From her point of view, they could have this wonderful shared experience, but Bill was refusing it and, in the process, he was letting her down.

Within the next few months, Sue and Bill began arguing about other activities that Sue wanted to engage in that Bill wasn't interested in.   They had plenty of other activities that they had always enjoyed together, but Sue missed having companionship in these other activities where she used to have college friends who went with her.   She felt that if Bill loved her, he would go along with her.

Their bickering about these issues turned into full blown arguments.  Soon, they were spending days at a time without speaking with Bill sulking and Sue in tears.

Finally, Bill recommended that they attend couples counseling to work out these issues.  Sue agreed.

Over time, Bill and Sue learned in couples counseling how to communicate more effectively with each other.  They were able to talk about their expectations of each other and saw that they were compatible in all of the most important areas in their life together.  They also saw that they were different in terms of some of their likes and dislikes, and this was okay.

Gradually, Sue realized that her expectation that Bill would like everything that she liked and he would participate in activities that he didn't like just to please her was unrealistic.  She realized that she needed to make new friends and also learn how to enjoy certain activities on her own.

Both Bill and Sue realized that they were undergoing big adjustments to being newly married, living in a new city and starting new careers, so they needed to be patient with one another.

What Are Your Expectations in Your Relationship?
As I mentioned before, there are certain expectations in a relationship that are basic to most relationships.

Before you make a commitment to be together, it's important for each person to understand what each person considers to be core expectations and values.  What's most important is that you're both compatible in the ways that are most important to each of you.

It's important to have friends that share interests or hobbies with you that you and your spouse might not share--rather than trying to strong arm your spouse into engaging in activities that s/he has no interest in.

When you have close friendships with people who share your interests, you enrich the quality of your life and, in doing so, you also enrich your relationship.

Getting Help
If you and your spouse are unable to work out your differences on your own, you could benefit from seeing a licensed therapist who works with couples and who can help you to develop the skills you need to work out your differences and enhance your relationship.

Getting Help

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many individuals and couples to lead more fulfilling lives.

To find out more about me, visit my web site:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Are You Feeling Lost?

Feeling lost on an emotional level is a common experience for many adults.  Many people go through periods in their lives when they feel lost and alone, and it can be almost as frightening as the experience of being lost as a child.  This is especially true if these adults experienced feelings of being alone, lonely or abandoned as children.

Are You Feeling Lost?

Whether the experience of feeling lost is the result of the death of a loved one, the loss of a friend, a betrayal, a job loss, or some other emotionally challenging experience, you can feel like you've fallen into an abyss.

Supportive Family and Friends Might Not Know How to Help You
If you're fortunate enough to have supportive family and friends, you might not feel as alone.  Emotional support can help you to weather this time.  But, if you're going through an especially bad time, your family and friends might not know how to help you to overcome your feeling of being lost.

Are You Feeling Lost Emotionally?

Some people, unintentionally, make it worse by telling you to "get over it" or to "buck up."  Although they might be well meaning, this can make you feel worse because you're unable to just "get over it," even though you would very much like to do it.

Feeling Lost: Friends and Family Might Be Well-Intentioned, But They Might Not Be Helpful

If you've gone through similar experiences in the past and you overcame those experiences, it might help you in dealing with your current feelings.  You might even be able to look back on those earlier experiences and realize that, although they were very challenging, you learned important lessons in life.

The Challenging of Feeling Lost 

But, depending upon what you're going through now, knowing that you'll eventually learn important lessons can be cold comfort when you're feeling lost.

Getting Professional Help in Therapy
At that point, rather than suffering on your own, you could benefit from getting help from a licensed mental health professional who has experience helping therapy clients through lost periods in their lives.   

Getting help from a licensed therapist can make the difference between prolonged emotional suffering and making an emotional transition.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my web site:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email email me.

Who Are You Carrying Around Inside Your Head?

I'm currently reading The Man Within My Head by Pico Iyer.  He writes about his explorations of the life and works of the English writer, Graham Greene.  Iyer talks about feeling like he's carrying Greene in his head and how this affects him.  The Man Within My Head is a poignant look at Iyer's self exploration as he ponders whether the man he feels he carries in his head is Greene or if it is actually his own father.

Who Are You Carrying Around in Your Head?

The Experience of Carrying Someone in Your Head:  Dreams, Coincidence, Synchronicities
As I've been reading this book, it brought to mind how often all of us, at various times, carry around certain people in our heads--whether it's a cherished departed relative, friend, mentor, teacher, former therapist, author or other people who have affected us on a deep level.

My own experience has been that when I am immersed in a memoir or biography of someone that I especially admire, I often have vivid dreams about that person.

I also have the sense, as Pico Iyer describes, of carrying this person around in my head.  Then, aside from my dreams, I have wonderful experiences where I'll happen upon this person's name or some other significant factor about them in my daily activities.

Coincidence or synchronicity?  Who knows.  But it adds to the intensity of the immersion experience.

Seeing Through the Eyes of the Person in Your Head
It's not unusual for people to want to see through the eyes of someone who is important to them or who has affected them deeply.  I've heard therapy clients as well as people in my personal life also describe similar experiences.

Sometimes, therapy clients who have been seeing me for a while tell me that when they're in a particularly challenging situation, they try to think of what I might say to them.  This is a common experience for clients in therapy.  It helps them in that moment and gives them a sense of objectivity.  It also helps them to feel they're not alone with in whatever dilemma they're going through.

In the meantime, I recommend The Man Within My Head by Pico Iyer, who writes about his own experience in an eloquent and moving way.

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Grief In Waiting After the Death of a Parent

As a psychotherapist in New York City, I see many adult clients who have unresolved grief from childhood.  Many of these therapy clients were young children when they lost one or both parents.

Grief in Waiting After the Death of a Parent

The death of a loved one is difficult no matter how old you are.  But this kind of loss often has a way of going emotionally underground, so to speak, especially if the child doesn't have nurturing adults to help him or her to grieve.

Let's take a look at the scenario below, which illustrates how grief in waiting can develop.  As always, this is a composite with all identifying information changed to protect confidentiality:

Tom
Tom grew up as an only child.  His parents separated when Tom was seven after years of arguing and chaos in the household.

Tom's parents didn't tell him that his father was moving out. But when he saw his father packing up his things one day, Tom got upset.  His father told him that he was only going away for a few days and he would be back soon.  But days turned into weeks, and weeks turned into months with no sign of his father.

Tom worried silently to himself.  He also felt very lonely.  At night, he would pray that, wherever his father was, he would come home.  Then, he would cry himself to sleep.

When Tom gathered his courage to ask his mother about his father, his mother brushed him off and told him to go out and play.

Tom could see that he had annoyed his mother, and he was fearful that if annoyed her any more, she might leave him too.  So, he kept his feelings and questions to himself.  As many children do, he blamed himself for his father leaving.

He thought he must have said or done something to make his father leave.  He would go over his last memories of his father, trying to think of what he might have done to anger his father.  But he couldn't come up with anything.

There were times when his aunt was over and Tom overheard his mother's conversation with her sister about his father.  Tom would sit at the top of the stairs and be as quiet as he could be so he could hear their conversation without their realizing that he was listening.

From the bits and pieces that he heard, Tom found out that his father moved out of state and he was living with another woman.  He also heard his mother say how much she hated his father and how he was "no good."

One day, Tom heard that his father and the other woman had a child.  Tom thought, sadly, now that his father had another child, his father probably forgot all about him.

This made Tom feel sad.  Having no one to talk to about his feelings, he kept them to himself.

When Tom was nine, his mother called him into the living room to talk to him.  His aunt was there too. Tom could tell as soon as he entered into the room that something was wrong.  Both his mother and aunt looked tense.

As Tom sat down on the edge of the couch across from his mother and aunt waiting anxiously, his mother told him in a matter of fact tone that his father had died the night before.  She said she received a call that morning, and she thought that Tom would want to know.  She told him that she felt he was too young to attend his father's funeral.  Then, she told Tom to go to his room.

Even at his young age, Tom knew from the stern look on his mother's face that she didn't want to talk about it further so he walked slowly back to his room and threw himself on his bed.  He took out a picture he had of his father that he hid in his top drawer and stared at it for a long time.  Then, feeling exhausted, he fell asleep and dreamt about his father.

From that day on, Tom lived his life on two levels.  One level was his everyday reality as life went on just as before his father died.  On another level, there was a part of him that believed that his father might still be alive somewhere.

Tom thought that, somehow, whoever called his mother to tell her that his father died must have made a mistake.  They were probably confusing his father with someone else.

Over the next several years, Tom continued to have dreams that his father was alive.  There were dreams where his father even told him that he was alive and well and would come to see him soon.  Whenever Tom woke up from one of these dreams, which seemed so real, he was even more convinced that his father was still alive.

By the time Tom was in his early 30s, he no longer had these dreams about his father.  He had matured and he had a better understanding, as compared to when he was a child, of the finality of death.  He tried to push any thoughts about his father out of his mind because they were too painful.

What he didn't realize is that, even though he tried not to think about his father, there was still a split in his consciousness about his father.

When he did have thoughts about his father on his father's birthday or the anniversary of his death, Tom would have the strange feeling that his father was never real--even though he knew this wasn't true.  His feelings and memories of his father took on a dreamlike, unreal quality.  These feelings frightened Tom because they were so strange, and he didn't understand them.

When he felt this way, Tom felt like he wanted to cry, but he couldn't.  He felt the weight of his grief in his chest, but no tears came, even when he tried to cry.  This made Tom feel deeply ashamed because after he heard that his father died, when he was a child, he never cried.  He thought to himself:  What kind of son am I that I never even shed a tear about my father's death?

Tom still didn't have anyone to talk to about his feelings because he tended to isolate.  He had a few friends from college, but he never confided in them.  He felt he didn't want to be a burden to them.  He dated a few women, but he stopped seeing each of them as soon as things seemed like they were starting to get serious.  The thought of being in a relationship frightened him.

Even though Tom continued to be very lonely as an adult, he was too fearful to allow people to get too close to him.

It wasn't until his mother died unexpectedly from a massive heart attack that Tom came to therapy.  Even though his mother was cold and distant, Tom loved her and called her every few days.  When he got the call from the hospital, he rushed over, but his mother was already dead.

Tom felt the weight of his sadness for his mother's death, but he couldn't cry.  At first, he thought that he was in shock.  But as the weeks passed and he was unable to cry, he realized that he needed help.

As Tom and I began to work together and talk about the loss of each of his parents, it was clear that Tom's grief was frozen in a state of waiting.  He had been so traumatized by the loss and subsequent death of his father, without anyone to help him.

For the first time in his life, Tom spoke about his fear, sadness and shock.  He would feel the emotions welling up in him, but he still couldn't cry.

Talking about his feelings was helpful, but it wasn't enough to help Tom to feel safe enough to experience his feelings of grief.

I provided Tom with information about early childhood trauma, and how many children experience the split in their consciousness that he experienced.  This dissociation is one of the signs of trauma.

Then, we used the mind-body therapy called Somatic Experiencing, a gentle approach that helps to heal trauma.

Over time, Tom brought in pictures of each of his parents and objects that belonged to each parent that had special meaning to him, and we talked about his memories.

At first, Tom was afraid that if he allowed himself to feel the full extent of his grief that it would be like falling into a bottomless pit.  So, we had to work together to help Tom to feel safe.

Having lost my father suddenly at a young age and experiencing grief in waiting myself, I had a sense of what Tom was going through.  Through my own therapy as an adult, I was able to integrate my the experience  so that I could finally mourn and heal from this major loss.

Gradually, Tom began to feel safe enough to allow himself to be vulnerable and to cry.

Tom mourned his father and, at the same time, he also internalized a greater sense of his father through his memories of his father.

With this internalization process, Tom began to feel more integrated emotionally.  He felt that a great burden had been lifted from him.  He sought out relatives and friends who knew his father to find out more about his father and to understand why his father left.

He talked to his aunt, whose feelings towards Tom's father had mellowed over the years.  From her, Tom learned that, even though Tom's parents didn't get along, his father was a good provider.  He also learned that his father tried to see him many times, but Tom's mother prevented it.  Tom's aunt was able to provide Tom with a fuller picture of his father.

At that point, Tom had to deal not only with the loss of each of his parents, but also his anger towards his father for not standing up to his mother and his mother preventing his father from having a relationship with him.   But he was still relieved to have a fuller picture of what happened.

The trauma work was slow, but Tom was motivated and came to his sessions regularly.  As we continued to work together and Tom grieved, he felt less emotionally vulnerable and he could think about the possibility of allowing himself to have a serious relationship.

Grief in Waiting Isn't an Unusual Experience
Many people, without even realizing it, are experiencing grief in waiting.  They can spend many years, even a lifetime in this state.

Many people say they experience a sense of unreality about their loss, especially if they had no one to help them through the loss.

Somatic Experiencing, Trauma and Grief
As I mentioned before, Somatic Experiencing is a form of trauma therapy which is gentle and effective.  This mind-body approach to therapy isn't just an intellectual process, as so many forms of psychotherapy are.

Somatic Experiencing therapists, who are licensed psychotherapists, can help clients to develop the necessary emotional resources to work on the trauma.  Using Somatic Experiencing, SE therapists also help clients to reconnect with the lost parts of themselves using the mind-body connection.

Getting Help in Therapy
If the composite scenario about Tom resonates with you, you could benefit from working with a licensed psychotherapist who uses Somatic Experiencing to help clients overcome trauma.

Rather than spending a lifetime emotionally frozen in trauma, you could work through your grief so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Getting to the Core of Your Problems With Experiential Therapy

Often, when people come to therapy, they have only a general sense that something is wrong. 

It's up to the therapist to help clients to get clarity about what the problem is so clients can heal.  When clients come to see me in my psychotherapy practice in New York City, I help them to get to the core of their problems.

Getting to the Core of Your Problems With Experiential Therapy

The Process of Getting to the Core of Your Problems Using the With the Mind-Body Connection
Getting from a general sense of unease to the core of your problems in Experiential Therapy is a process (see my article: Why Experiential Therapy is More Effective Than Regular Talk Therapy).

It's not unusual that when clients to come to therapy for several problems that are occurring at the same time, the core issue is often the same.

Clinical Vignette
The following scenario, which is a composite of many cases to protect confidentiality, illustrates how Experiential Therapy works:

Pete
When Pete began therapy, he was feeling lonely, socially isolated and unfilled in his career.

Pete had a general sense that he was unhappy but, other than that, he was at complete loss.

Over time, as we continued to explore Pete's feelings, we focused on his emotions and where he was sensing his loneliness and dissatisfaction in his body (see my article: Experiential Therapy and the Mind-Body Connection: The Body Offers a Window Into the Unconscious Mind).

It took Pete a while before he could learn to sense his emotions in his body.  But, with his therapist's help, when he did, he sensed his feelings in his chest.  And, as soon as he was able to pinpoint where he felt his emotions, the words that came to him were, "I'm not good enough."

This took Pete by surprise, but he said it fit how he was feeling.  He said these words completely encapsulated the feeling he had about himself throughout his life.

We used the words, "I'm not good enough" to go back to the earliest time when he felt this way about himself.

As we continued to explore this, we went back to earlier and earlier memories, and it became clear that this feeling was longstanding and it was related to severe criticism from his father that Pete endured from an early age.

We knew, of course, that we couldn't change the past.  But we could work in therapy to help Pete to heal from these trauma experiences.

Over time, although it wasn't quick or easy, Pete was able to work through his feelings of worthlessness which were at the core of his social isolation, loneliness, and career dissatisfaction.

Gradually, as he began to feel better about himself, he went out more, made friends, and began dating.  He also found a job that he liked a lot more.

The Process of Getting to Core Problem Begins With the Mind-Body Connection
All of this began by getting to the core of the problem using the mind-body connection rather than an intellectual process of just talking about it.

Getting Help in Experiential Therapy
If you've been struggling with a general sense that something is wrong, but you've been unable to get to the core of your problems, you could benefit from working with a licensed psychotherapist who has a mind-body orientation to therapy.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.