Relationships: Confusing Love With Longing

Confusing love and longing is a common problem for many people.  And it's no wonder: We're bombarded with damaging cultural messages that longing is love and love is longing in songs, movies, TV programs and social media.

Confusing Love With Longing: A Traumatic Childhood History of Emotional Neglect

Aside from damaging cultural messages, a traumatic childhood history of emotional neglect can lead to confusing love and longing (see my article: What is Childhood Emotional Neglect?).

Confusing Love With Longing

Wanting to be loved is normal.  It's every child's birthright to be loved for who they are and not based on conditional love for accomplishments (see my article: The Connection Between Conditional Love, Perfection and Shame).

But if you grew up in a family where you were emotionally neglected, this can set you up to be in a perpetual state of longing for love (see my article: Growing Up Feeling Unlovable and Emotionally Invalidated).

Longing becomes the template for love so that you might unconsciously choose people who are emotionally unavailable to replicate your early childhood experience. 

Confusing Love With Longing: Nothing is Ever Enough

Even if the people you chose are emotionally available, you might still feel emotionally deprived because it feels like it's not enough.  For many people, who experienced childhood emotional neglect, nothing is ever enough.

The feeling that nothing is ever enough occurs when you grew up, as an adult, you're looking for someone else to fill in the emotional void that was created in your childhood. 

But, unless you grieve and heal in therapy for what you didn't get as a child, whatever love you do get as an adult won't be enough to make up the childhood emotional neglect.

Under these circumstances, even if the person you love is emotionally available, you might experience your partner as if they're not available (see my article: What is the Connection Between Childhood Emotional Neglect and Adult Romantic Relationships?).

No matter how much time they give you or how much they do for you, you feel it's never enough because the emotional void is still there from your childhood experience.  This can leave you in a state of perpetual dissatisfaction (see my article: How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship).

When you're confusing love and longing, without realizing it, you can "test" your partner by creating situations where you expect more and more and they always come up short.

Confusing Love With Longing

For instance, if you're in a relationship and partner is available to see you twice a week, you might demand even more time from them with the unconscious thought that if they really love you, they'll find a way to spend more time with you.  

But even if your partner, who is very busy, finds a way to spend more time with you, it's still not enough.  You come up with other ways to "test" how much they care for you which makes it increasingly difficult for your partner.

You come up with other demands that are difficult or impossible to meet, and when your partner can't meet your demands, you say to yourself, "Aha! I knew it! She doesn't love me!" as if you found the proof of what you feared all along.

This can also confirm what you might have unconsciously believed about yourself since childhood--that you're an unlovable person (see my article: Overcoming the Pain of Feeling Unlovable).

Conversely, if you fall in love with someone who is emotionally available and gives you the time and attention you want, you might lose interest in them because longing equals love for you and you're no longer longing for them because you have them.

This is a setup for a no-win situation where you never feel fulfilled because your childhood trauma is getting played out in your current situation and your lack of emotional fulfillment is tied to your past (see my article: Reacting to the Present Based on Your Traumatic Experiences From Your Past).

Clinical Vignette - Relationships: Confusing Love and Longing

The following scenario, which is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information removed to protect confidentiality, illustrates how confusing love and longing in an adult romantic relationship can be resolved with trauma therapy.

Ed

Ed, who was in his mid-30s, sought help in trauma therapy because he was confused about his feelings for his girlfriend Patty.  

Within weeks of meeting her, Ed fell head over heels for Patty, but he wasn't sure how she really felt for him--even though she told him that she really liked him.

They spent a lot of time together, but then Patty, who was a journalist, was given an assignment in London for two weeks.  

She assured Ed that she would stay in touch with him as much as possible considering the time difference between New York and London.  She also said she wanted to get together with him soon after she returned.

Despite her assurances, Ed felt anxious and sad while she was away.  He felt so obsessed about her that he couldn't get her out of his mind.  

With each passing day, he missed her more and he felt like he wouldn't be able endure her absence.  The more he missed her, the more he longed for her.  And the more he longed for her, the more he felt he loved her.  

At first, Patty was flattered when Ed told her how much he missed her.  But as he continued to dwell on his longing in their long distance telephone conversations, Patty began to feel uneasy.  She thought to herself:  We've only known each other a short time.  How could he have developed such strong feelings for me so quickly?

Patty had dinner with Ed the night after she returned from London.  She was jet lagged from her trip and Ed interpreted her tiredness as a lack of interest in him--even though she reassured him that she really liked him.

Soon after that, Ed began making more demands on Patty's time.  In response, she told Ed that she wanted to spend time with him, but she was working on a demanding project which required a lot of extra time, so she couldn't see him more than twice a week.

This created a lot of anxiety, doubt and confusion for Ed.  He could barely stand it as he waited to see Patty between dates.  Then, it occurred to him that the problem could be resolved if she moved in with him because then they could be together all the time. 

Much to his disappointment, Patty didn't respond well to this suggestion. She told him that they needed to get to know each other better and it was too soon for them to move in together.

After a while, Patty felt burdened by Ed's emotional demands, and she told him that they should take a break to get some perspective on their relationship.  

She knew about Ed's childhood trauma and she suggested he get help in trauma therapy (see my article:  What is a Trauma Therapist?).

This is what brought Ed into trauma therapy.  

His trauma therapist did a full assessment on Ed's family history and she told him that his traumatic childhood experiences were having an impact on his relationship with Patty.  She explained how Ed was confusing love with longing, but he didn't understand the connection between love and longing at that point in his therapy.

In the initial stage of therapy, his therapist talked to Ed about EMDR therapy (see my article: How EMDR Therapy Works: EMDR and the Brain).

She also helped him to develop the internal resources to be able to process his early childhood memories of emotional neglect.

During that time, Patty contacted him and told him that she wanted to get together with him so they could talk.  Ed was elated.  

During their dinner, Patty told him that she was happy he was getting help in trauma therapy.  She also told him that she was being transferred to a less demanding job at her newspaper, which she had applied for before she met Ed.  This meant she would be more available to see Ed.

At first, Ed was ecstatic that he could see Patty more often.  But as they spent more time together, he became less interested in Patty.  Even though nothing had changed between them, he felt bored and restless.  He also wondered if he even wanted to be with her anymore.

When Ed discussed this with his therapist, he realized he was no longer longing to be with Patty because she was available and he was spending a lot of time with her.

He also realized that, since nothing else had changed, he now understood what his therapist meant when she told him that he was confusing love and longing.

This frightened Ed because he wondered if he could ever be in love with an emotionally available partner like Patty. He worried he would never be in a fulfilling, loving relationship if he needed to long for his partner.

During the next several months, Ed and his therapist processed his early childhood experiences of being emotionally neglected.  Although it was difficult to process these traumatic memories, Ed felt an emotional burden being lifted from him.

During that time, Ed also learned to separate love and longing in his relationship with Patty. 

As he worked through his early trauma of emotional neglect, he developed a less emotionally dependent, more genuine way of loving her that wasn't based on emotional deprivation.

Working on Unresolved Early Trauma in Therapy

As mentioned earlier, confusing love with longing is usually rooted in traumatic experiences of being emotionally neglected.

Confusing Love With Longing

There are specific types of trauma therapy that are helpful to work through early trauma, including EMDR, AEDP, and Somatic Experiencing.

Getting Help in Therapy

If early traumatic experiences have created an obstacle to developing a healthy adult relationship, you could benefit from working with a trauma therapist.

A skilled trauma therapist can help you to work through traumatic experiences so you can free yourself from your traumatic history, develop healthier relationships, and lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a trauma therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW.- NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

Relationships: How Is Getting Pressure From Your Partner Different From Consensual Sex?

Sexual pressure is also known by the term "sexual coercion" and I'll use these terms interchangeably in this article.

Sexual Pressure vs Consensual Sex

Before delving into sexual pressure vs consensual sex, it's important to define sex as I'm referring to it in this article.

What is Sex?

If you've read some of my other articles about sex, you probably know that I usually have a broad definition of sex that goes beyond heteronormative penis-in-vagina sex.

So when I discuss sex and sexual activity, I'm referring to:

• kissing
• intimate touching/petting/stroking
• erotic massage
• sucking
• fingering
• cunnilingus (performing oral sex on a woman)
• fellatio (performing oral sex on a man)
• anal sex
• penetrative sex/intercourse

And so on.

What is Sexual Coercion and How is It Different From Consensual Sex?

Sexual coercion occurs when someone manipulates, threatens or uses other pressure tactics to try to get you to have sex that you don't want.  

Sexual Pressure vs Consensual Sex

In many situations involving sexual coercion your partner continues to pressure you into having sex even after you have been clear that you don't want to have sex.  

In other words, the other person just won't take "no" for an answer and keeps trying to get you to change your mind.  This refusal is the opposite of accepting that sex should be consensual (see my articles: What Are the Basics of Sexual Consent? and What is Enthusiastic Sexual Consent?).

In this article, I'm focusing on people who are in committed relationships as opposed to people who are casually dating or hooking up (for those situations see my articles: Sex Research: Heterosexual Women Often Find Hookups Less Sexually Satisfying Than Men and Can Hookups Be Safer and More Sexually Satisfying For Heterosexual Women?).

I'm also focusing on sexual coercion that doesn't include physical violence, which would be domestic violence, which is a separate topic.  

Sexual coercion can, however, include emotional abuse and gaslighting.

What Are Common Sexual Coercion Tactics?

If you have turned down sex, your refusal should be respected by your partner and that should be the end of it.  

Sexual Pressure vs Consensual Sex

Unfortunately, some people have poor sexual boundaries and they don't respect your right to turn down sex or they interpret your refusal to have sex as a sign that you don't care about them (more about that later on in this article).

Some common sexual coercion tactics include:

• Guilt Tripping
• Making Threats
• Emotional Blackmail
• Other Forms of Manipulation

The following short fictionalized scenarios describe common situations in which a partner uses sexual coercion:

• Guilt Tripping: Joe got angry after Lisa responded to his sexual overtures by saying she wasn't in the mood for sex.  He told her that if she didn't have sex with him, she wasn't fulfilling sexual her responsibilities as a wife, which included making sure that he's sexually satisfied.

• Making Threats: After Jean told her wife, Rita, that she wasn't in the mood for sex, Rita responded by threatening to withhold money she had already promised to lend Jean.

• Emotional Blackmail: When Bill's husband, Tom, refused to have sex with him, Bill got angry and, in the heat of the moment, he threatened to tell Tom's parents about his alcohol problem.

• Other Forms of Manipulation: Dave felt impatient when his wife, Tina, told him that she wasn't in the mood for sex, so he badgered her relentlessly to have drinks with him. He told her that she just needed to "relax" to get in the mood for sex.

There can be many other ways that someone can pressure or coerce a partner into having sex.

Being in a Relationship or Marriage Doesn't Mean Automatic Sexual Consent

Many people believe that if they're married or in a committed relationship that their partner "owes" them sex.  But in a healthy, autonomous relationship where each partner is differentiated, their relationship doesn't mean automatic sexual consent.

Sexual Pressure vs Consensual Sex

Anyone who has ever been in a long term relationship knows that, over time, sexual passion usually isn't the same as it was during the initial phase of the relationship.  

Although there can be differences, for most people the passion begins to dissipate within the first two years of the relationship.  This is a separate issue which I have discussed in prior articles (see my articles: Overcoming Sexual Boredom in a Long Term Relationship and Reviving Your Sex Life).

It's also true that it's common for two people in a relationship to have discrepant sexual desire, which means that they each experience sexual desire in a different way.  This is normal, but it becomes a problem when the two people in the relationship don't know how to negotiate these differences. This is also a common topic that couples discuss in sex therapy.

Similarly, one person might experience spontaneous sexual desire while the other person might need more time to get sexually turned on because they experience responsive sexual desire.  Even though both types of sexual desire are normal, when this difference creates problems in the relationship, it needs to be discussed and negotiated.  This is another common topic for couples in sex therapy.

What You Can Do If Your Partner is Trying to Pressure You Into Having Sex

There is no one-size-fits-all answer to this problem because each situation can be very different, so you need to do what you think is best in your situation.

As long as you feel safe, it's often helpful to reiterate to your partner that you don't want to have sex and tell your partner that you don't want to be pressured.  In addition, tell your partner that pressuring you won't change your mind (see my article: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex).

You could also suggest other things that you would be willing to do with your partner--like cuddling on the couch (if you're up to it) or going for a walk.  

Understanding Sexual Pressure vs Consensual Sex

If you think your partner is interpreting your refusal to mean that you don't care about them anymore, you could also reassure your partner that you still love them, but you're just not in the mood for sex.  In addition, you can both read my article, Coping With a Sexual Rejection From Your Partner, to be able to talk about this openly.

What If Your Refusal to Have Sex is Part of a Bigger Problem?

No one should ever have sex when they don't want to do it. Sex should always be consensual.

However, there's a difference between refusing sex occasionally because you're not in the mood versus you don't want to have sex with your partner most of the time.  This can be indicative of bigger sexual problems (see my article: Have You and Your Partner Stopped Having Sex?).

One blog article can't possibly cover all the possible reasons why someone in a relationship doesn't want to have sex, but some common reasons include:

• Shame
  
• Guilt
• Lack of sleep
• Depression
• Anxiety
• Poor body image
  
• Hormonal fluctuations
• Low testosterone
• Erectile problems
• Lack of sexual experience
• Sexual performance anxiety
  
• Fear of pregnancy
• A history of sexual abuse/unresolved trauma
• Painful sex
  
• Problems with the way one or both partners initiate sex
• Sexual boredom or lack of sexual satisfaction with your partner
• Problems with orgasm or an orgasm gap 
• Anger and resentment
• Loss of trust due to a history of infidelity
• Other problems in the relationship

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

It can be difficult to resolve sexual problems in a relationship without professional help.

Sexual Pressure vs Consensual Sex

Sex therapy, which is a form of talk therapy, is often helpful in resolving sexual problems (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

There is no physical exam, nudity or sex during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Individual adults and couples seek help in sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article:  What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is a sex therapist so you can have a more fulfilling sex life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Are You Curious About Exploring Fetishes With Your Partner?

In a prior article, I explored the differences between a fetish and a kink (see my article: What's the Difference Between a Fetish and a Kink?).

Many people are curious about exploring fetishes, but they don't know how to do it or where to start, I'll explore some possibilities about how to start exploring fetishes with your partner in a non-intimidating way and what you can do if your partner isn't into your particular fetish (see my article: What is Eroticism?).

What is a Fetish?

As a recap from my prior article: A fetish is similar to a kink, but the important difference is that many people who are into a fetish often need it to get sexually aroused.  

A Common Fetish: Feet

Fetishes include:

• A particular body part
• An object
• A sexual act

See the list below.

For instance, with regard to body parts, some people get sexually aroused by feet.  They are foot fetishists.  This is the most common fetish.  For foot fetishes the sight, smell, taste or touch of feet get them turned on.  

Other people are turned on by other body parts, like breasts, hips, butts, legs, long hair, ears, and navels, to name just a few.  

For some people just fantasizing about their particular fetish is enough to get them sexually turned on without even having the fetish.

Common Fetishes: Feet, Fishnet Stockings, High Heels and Gloves

The fetish can also be an object, like something made of leather (jacket, pants, harness, etc), silk, latex, or vinyl.  It can also include high heels, stockings, underwear or other objects.

A fetish can include engaging in certain sexual acts, like having sex in public, like car sex, where there is a risk of getting caught since this is considered taboo (see my article: A Cornerstone of Eroticism: Violating Sexual Prohibitions).

Violating Sexual Prohibitions in Public: Car Sex

What Are Some of the Most Common Fetishes?

Just about anything can be eroticized, especially during or around puberty.  Depending upon a person's experience, an object or body part can become sexually charged which can lead to it becoming a fetish.  

Some of the most common fetishes include:

• Feet - Also known as podophilia is the most common fetish
• Hair
• Navel
• Ears
• Body piercings
• Tattoos
• Latex
• Leather
• Silk
• Vinyl
• Gloves
• Stockings/hosiery
• Shoes
• Boots
• Underwear
• Adult diapers
• Balloons
• Sneezing
• Tickling
• Smell - Including rose petals, gasoline, matches
• Food - Including ice cream, chocolate sauce, whipped cream and so on
• Sex in public (e.g., car sex on a dark street or sex in a park)
• Cuckolding
  
• Threesomes
  
• Power and Submission
  

How to Explore a Fetish With Your Partner

At one time, fetishes were considered psychologically unhealthy. However, fetishes are no longer considered unhealthy unless they are a significant interference in your life (e.g., causing problems for you at work because you're so fixated on your fetish that you're not doing your work because you're watch porn at work).  

Talking to a partner about a fetish you would like to incorporate in your sex life together can be anxiety provoking if you don't know how your partner will react or you anticipate your partner won't react well. So, it might be helpful to do the following:

• Go Slowly, Communicate and Be Patient: If you're not comfortable talking to your partner about your fetish because you're not sure how they would respond, you can start by talking about a sexual fantasy involving your fetish to see how they respond.  If your partner is inexperienced with fetishes, you can explain why your particular fetish turns you on sexually and see if they're interested. Keep the discussion light and fun.

• Offer Your Partner More Information: You can provide your partner with more information about your fetish through Kink Academy which has articles and videos about fetishes and kinks.  You can also provide your partner with any one of the many books that are written about fetishes depending upon your particular fetish.  There are also many podcasts that explore relationships and fetishes, including the Sexology podcast with Dr. Moali.  In particular, she hosted an episode specifically about fetishes.

• Consider Starting With a Role Play: Assuming your partner enthusiastically consents to exploring your fetish or is, at least, curious, you could start with a role play where you each become different characters (even if all you do is change your names).  By getting creative and using your imagination, doing a role play can feel safer and easier because you're both pretending to be someone else instead of being yourselves. Remember that it might not go so smoothly if this is the first time you're trying it, so be patient.

• Have a Safe Word: Be prepared that either you or your partner can stop what. you're doing at any point once the safe word has been used.

A Role Play With Leather Fetish

• Talk About It Afterwards: Talk about what you both liked, what you might not have liked, and what each of you might want to do differently if you try it again another time (see my articles: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2).

• Be Respectful of Your Partner's Feelings: If your partner enjoys the fetish as much as you do, that's great. But if your partner isn't into it, be respectful of your partner's feelings and choice because fetishes are particular to each person, so they might not like what you like.

• Try to Be Open to Their Fetish: If your partner has a particular fetish they like or they would like to explore, try to keep an open mind. This doesn't mean that anyone should do anything they're not comfortable doing. But if you're curious about it, be generous with your partner.

What If Your Partner Isn't Interested in Even Exploring Your Fetish?

Everyone has their own particular interests when it comes to sex, kink and fetishes so don't be surprised if your partner isn't open to exploring your fetish.  Hopefully, your partner is respectful enough not to be critical (see my article: Don't Yuk Anybody's Yum).

Talking About Fetishes With Your Partner

But if your partner isn't at all interested in incorporating your fetish into your sexual activities together, remember that all sex must be consensual. So, don't get angry with them, don't reject them or try to pressure them into it.  This will only backfire and can ruin your relationship.  

If everything else is going well in your relationship, chances are your partner's refusal to participate isn't a rejection of you--it's probably a personal choice about the fetish--not about you.  It's important not to take their refusal as a personal rejection (see my article: Coping With a Sexual Rejection in Your Relationship).  This is also another reason why it's important for the two of you to talk openly about sex.

• Talk to Your Partner About the Possibility of Exploring a Fetish-Related Fantasy: If your partner is open to engaging with the fetish, find out if they would be willing to talk about the fetish (without actually using actually the fetish) in terms of a fantasy--one that you won't actually act out.  Talking about the fantasy might be enough of a sexual turn-on for you.  

• Explore Your Fetish on Your Own By Yourself: If your partner isn't interested in your fetish, you might be able explore it by yourself without your partner--depending upon what it is.  For instance, if you like the feel and smell of leather, you can find many ways to enjoy wearing leather, including wearing leather gloves, a leather jacket, leather pants, and so on. You can also use your imagination to fantasize about an attractive person who is wearing leather in whatever situation you find sexually appealing in a fantasy.

• Explore Your Fetish Through a Community: Before you find a kink and fetish community that appeals to you, talk to your partner first. Some people, who aren't into particular fetishes or kinks, are comfortable with consenting for their partner to explore their fetish with others. But some partners definitely are not. It's important for you to be completely honest and transparent with your partner in an open discussion about what you might want to do with others and get their approval or you can ruin your relationship.  If your partner has no problems with your finding a fetish/kink community, you can find either online or in-person alternatives.

• Seek Help in Sex Therapy: It's common for individuals in a relationship to have different sexual interests.  If you and your partner can't agree about what to do about your particular fetish and it's having a negative impact on your relationship, seek help in sex therapy.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy for individual adults and couples (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

There is no nudity, physical exam or sex during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy).

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Individual adults and couples seek help in sex therapy for many different reasons.  Make sure that when you call a sex therapist for a consultation who works with the topics of kinks and fetishes (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a skilled sex therapist who is familiar with your issues.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City sex positive psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Exploring Different Aspects of Yourself Through Sexual Role Play

I began a discussion about sexual role play in a prior article, What Are the Benefits of Sexual Role Play?.  

Exploring Different Parts of Yourself Through Role Play

In the current article I'm focusing on one of the benefits of role play, which is exploring the many different aspects of yourself and how this exploration can free you and your partner to talk about your sexual fantasies and, possibly, act out some of these fantasies (see my article: Understanding the Different Aspects of Yourself Who Make You Who You Are).

(As a reminder:  This article and other similar articles about sex is not meant as clinical advice.)

Exploring Different Parts of Yourself Through Sexual Role Play

• Think About Your Sexual Fantasies and Write Them Down on Your Own: This is something that each of you can do on your own privately. If you feel unsure about your fantasies, reframe it for yourself by thinking about what you might be sexually curious about.  Writing them down in an erotic journal helps you to get clear about what you're curious about. Thinking in terms of sexual curiosity instead of labeling your thoughts as fantasies can help to open you up to this type of sexual self exploration (see my article: Exploring and Normalizing Sexual Fantasies Without Guilt or Shame).

Write Down Your Role Play Fantasies in Your Erotic Journal

• Think About What Aspects of Yourself You Might Want to Explore: People who have difficulty talking about sex with their partner about role play often find it easier to talk when they're thinking about themselves as someone else (instead of being oneself) like a character from a movie or a novel.  It's like being an actor who is stepping into a role in a script.  This character might be an aspect of yourself that you've never explored but that you're curious about.

• Talk About Sexual Role Play With Your Partner Before You Try It: Before you actually get into a role play, it's a good idea for you and your partner to talk first.  You want to make sure that you're both on the same page and consenting to whatever you decide to do.  When you're in the talking phase, you can explore your sexual fantasies and get clear on which ones you want to explore and which ones you want to remain as only fantasies.  Just talking about fantasies can be a sexual turn-on.  Be patient if either of you feels shy.  Think of it as a process and go slow if necessary (see my article: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2).

• Choose Which Fantasies You Both Want to Role Play: If you and your partner come up with mutual fantasies that you would like to explore, make a plan as to which fantasies you want to role play and which ones you just want to talk about.  Make sure that both of you are comfortable with whatever you have mutually chosen especially if you're both new to role playing.  If either of you isn't interested, you can say so without being judgmental or critical (see my article: Don't Yuk Anybody's Yum). You can also take turns at different times role playing what each of you would like as long as you're both somewhat interested in the other's fantasy role play.

• Keep It Simple At First: If you've never done a sexual role play, start with something simple so you can give yourself a chance to ease into it and get comfortable.  Role playing is on a spectrum. You don't need to start with elaborate costumes or sexual props. You can start with something as simple as using different names.  

• Approach Role Playing With an Attitude of Curiosity and Playfulness: Even though you might be anxious if this is your first time, remember that role playing is meant to be fun, so approach it with an attitude of curiosity and playfulness.  

Be Sexually Curious and Playful

• Be Kind With Yourself and Your Partner: If role playing is new to you, be aware that things might not go as planned, but if you're being curious, playful and kind, you can get through any awkward moments and you might even laugh about it.

• Know You Can Stop the Role Play at Any Time: In addition to allowing you to explore different aspects of yourself, sexual role play is meant to be fun and one way to expand your sexual repertoire and sex script.  But once you're into a role play, if either of you feels you don't want to do it, you can stop.  Make sure you have this agreement beforehand so neither person is taken by surprise.  

• Talk About the Role Play Afterwards: It's a good idea to talk afterwards about what each of you found fun, awkward, uncomfortable, what you might want to do again or not, and so on.

Vignette: Sexual Role Play as a Way to Explore Different Aspects of Yourself

The following vignette is one example of many as to how a couple can explore the different parts of themselves through role play:

Ida and Joe

After five years of marriage, although they had a healthy sex life, Ida and Joe were eager to explore sexual role play. 

They decided to each explore on their own what they were sexually curious about, so they took time to each think about and write down their ideas.

When Ida thought about what she might want to explore, she realized she was often uncomfortable trying new things sexually and, as she thought about it, she realized that if she played another character, she might feel more empowered to do it.  

So, she came up with a character who was a high powered woman who was sexually forward.  The more she thought about what this character would be like, the more Ida got excited about it.

When Joe thought about what he might want to explore sexually, he realized he was excited about being in a more passive role because during the day he had a lot of responsibilities for the financial well-being of his company.  He had to make important decisions and oversee key employees and the financial operation, so he would welcome a chance to allow Ida to be in charge.

So, he came up with a character who was more sexually passive than he would normally be with Ida.  He wanted her to tell him what to do for a change.  

When Ida and Joe shared their ideas, they were thrilled to discover that the characters they had chosen fit together so well.  

They worked together to come up with a scenario they could play at home where Ida comes into a bar as a successful businesswoman who is on a business trip, sees Joe sitting at the bar having a drink and she picks him up.  In this scenario, he is a somewhat shy and passive man and he's hesitant at first, but she's relentless in pursuing him and she eventually takes him back to her hotel room.

Since it was their first time doing a sexual role play, they decided to keep it simple without costumes and props.  

They were both a little uncomfortable at first, but they were mostly excited.  At first, they each stumbled a little until they got into it and then they forgot their self consciousness.  

After they had de-roled from their characters and they were resting in each other's arms, they agreed it was the most exciting sex they had experienced in a long time.  

Over the next several days, they talked about what they liked and what they wanted to change.  

Joe enjoyed being in a passive role for a change and allowing himself to be seduced. And Ida felt powerful and sexy being in the role as the woman who seduced Joe.  They also talked about what other roles they might want to explore.

Both of them agreed that doing that role play allowed them to explore different aspects of themselves.

Conclusion

Sexual role play can be fun and freeing because it provides an opportunity to use your imagination and explore different parts of yourself.  

Sometimes these aspects are different from your everyday personality.  Other times they might be aspects you didn't even realize were part of you.

If you're new to sexual role play, going slowly and taking a step-by-step approach allows you explore your sexuality in a way that feels safe and comfortable.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?)

There is no physical exam, nudity or sex during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are the Most Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Individual adults and couples seek help in sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article:  What Are the Most Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

If you're having sexual problems, rather than struggling on your own, get help from a skilled sex therapist so you can have a more fulfilling sex life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.