Why Are Many Men Reluctant to Get Help in Therapy When They Need It?

As a psychotherapist in private practice in New York City, I'm seeing more men seeking help now than I did 20 years ago, but many men are still reluctant to get help in therapy when they need it.

Why Are Many Men Reluctant to Get Help in Therapy?

According to a 2020 survey, even though more men seek help now than before, there are many men who need help who don't seek it. In addition, fewer men seek help in  therapy compared to women.

Men Who Are Reluctant to Get Help in Therapy

Even though many well-known male athletes and celebrities have spoken openly about seeking help in therapy, there's still a stigma about men seeking help (see my article: Mental Health Awareness: Reducing the Stigma of Getting Help in Therapy).

Here are some of the most common reasons why men avoid getting help in therapy:

• A belief they must conform to traditional gender roles and that "being a man" means never showing emotional vulnerability

• They don't know how to show emotional vulnerability

• They're not sure what they feel

• Even if they know what they feel, they don't know how to talk about it

• A belief that going to therapy means they're "weak" (see my article: A Common Myth: Going to Therapy Means You're "Weak")

• Going to therapy makes them feel ashamed (see my article: Overcoming Shame)

• Going to therapy makes them feel embarrassed

• A belief they should know how to handle their problems on their own without getting help

• Psychotherapy is out of reach for them due to a lack of mental health services in their area or they can't afford it (in New York there are sliding scale therapy services in psychotherapy institutes with therapists in training who are supervised by senior therapists, including Institute For Contemporary Psychotherapy which also takes some health insurance).

How Can Men Learn to Talk About Their Problems?

Over the years, I have worked with many men who seek help in therapy because their partner encouraged them and, in some cases, insisted that they get help.

Here are some of the things I do to help men who seek help:

• Normalizing the Need For Help: Since I know many men don't know how to talk about their feelings, I start by trying to help them to get comfortable talking in sessions and normalizing how awkward it can be, at first, for anyone to talk to a therapist. I also provide them with psychoeducation about therapy including letting them know that many people start therapy with a degree of anxiety and ambivalence (see my article: Starting Therapy: It's Not Unusual to Feel Anxious and Ambivalent).

Men Who Are Reluctant to Get Help in Therapy

• Creating a Safe Space in Therapy Sessions: In order for clients to feel comfortable talking in therapy, I create a safe space for them by being compassionate, nonjudgmental and going at a pace that works for them.  

• Helping Clients to Relax: For clients who are anxious, I often start the session with a breathing exercise to help them transition from wherever they came from so they can relax and be present in the room.

• Starting Wherever They Want to Start: In our culture, it's generally considered more acceptable to talk about "stress" than anxiety or depression, so a lot of men (and women too) start therapy by saying they're experiencing "stress" and they just need some tips on how to manage their stress.  I will start wherever a client feels most comfortable, so if they want to talk about ways to manage stress, I'll start there.  But what usually happens, after these clients get comfortable talking to me, is that they begin to open up and talk about what is causing them stress including problems in their relationship, problems with their children, elder care issues, issues at work, unresolved trauma and so on.

Men Who Are Reluctant to Get Help in Therapy 

• Choosing Whether or Not to Work With Goals: Some clients like to set goals early in therapy. Others feel that setting specific goals feels like too much pressure. So, I allow clients to decide how they want to work.  At the same time, I want the sessions to be meaningful to them so we might need to find a balance so the therapy doesn't just "drift" in a scattered way.

• Helping Clients to Identify Their Feelings: Many men have been raised since early childhood to suppress or ignore their feelings so that, as adults, it's difficult for them to know what they feel. Therefore, helping these clients to recognize and identify feelings is often a significant part of the work.

Men Who Are Reluctant to Get Help in Therapy

• Using Humor and Lightheartedness: Using humor, when appropriate, can help clients to relax and open up. 

• Encouraging Self Compassion: This is an essential part of the work in therapy, especially for clients who have internalized harsh messages from early childhood about what it means to "be a man" (see my article: Acceptance and Self Compassion).

• Encouraging Self Care: Many men who are reluctant to get help in therapy are also reluctant to take care of their physical health and overall well-being, so encouraging self care is often an important part of the work (see my article: Self Care Is Not Selfish).

• Encouraging Support Outside of Therapy: The problem for many men is they don't talk to anyone about how they feel even if they have people in their life who would be supportive. In addition, many men don't have partners or close friendships, so encouraging them to develop an emotional support system outside of therapy is important (see my article: Overcoming Loneliness and Social Isolation).

Suicide Rates For Men

Men's mental health struggles often go undiagnosed because they avoid getting help.

In the United States, men represent about 79% of all suicides, which is four times higher than women.

Approximately 36,000 men commit suicide every year in the U.S. due to undiagnosed mental health and/or substance misuse problems.

Many of these deaths could have been prevented with professional help.

Note: If you or someone you know needs immediate help for suicidal thoughts, call 988, which is the suicide prevention lifeline or go to your nearest emergency room.

Getting Help in Therapy

The first step, which is making an appointment, is often the hardest.  

Getting Help in Therapy

If you have been struggling on your own, you could benefit from getting help from a skilled mental health professional.

Most clients who are initially reluctant to start therapy usually discover that therapy helps them to overcome their problems so they can lead a meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience helping individual adults and couples for a variety of issues, including trauma (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at 917.742.2624 during business hours or email me.

Overcoming Toxic Hope in an Unhealthy Relationship?

People who maintain toxic hope (or false hope) in an unhealthy relationship often get stuck in unhappy relationships.

What is Toxic Hope in an Unhealthy Relationship?

Toxic hope is blindly holding onto hope that an unhealthy relationship will get better--even when there are no signs of that this will happen.

Overcoming Toxic Hope in an Unhealthy Relationship

Toxic hope can keep you wrapped up in false narratives about your relationship rather than  confronting reality as it is because the reality of your situation feels too painful. It's a form of denial where you fool yourself.

This type of false hope keeps people stuck in toxic relationships. Rather than accepting the reality of their situation, many people with toxic hope will work harder to try to make the relationship work--to the point of exhaustion.

If you experience toxic hope in an unhealthy relationship, you might try to avoid facing reality by trying to work on yourself in an effort to win over your partner or make positive changes. This often occurs when the other partner is making little or no effort to change.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette illustrates how someone can get stuck in an unhealthy relationship due to toxic hope and how therapy can help:

Lynn

Lynn was an optimistic and ambitious woman who was successful in her career.  She also had many close friends.

When Lynn first met Steve, she was head-over-heels in love with him. They saw each other almost every day and they enjoyed each other's company. By their second month together, they decided to become exclusive.

However, three months into the relationship, Lynn found out that Steve lost his job and this was the most recent job loss in a long line of job losses.

He asked to borrow $5,000 from her with the promise he would pay her back within a couple of months. But, even after he found another well-paying job, he never mentioned repaying the money he owed her and Lynn just assumed he would pay her back when he could.

Soon after that, Steve would cancel their dates at the last minute. He made up many excuses, which Lynn convinced herself were true. Even when her best friend confronted her, Lynn was adamant that her relationship with Steve was going well.

After another friend told Lynn that she saw Steve walking hand in hand with another woman, Lynn convinced herself that she went into an all out self improvement regime--she went to the gym almost every day, lost weight and changed the color of her hair. She even thought about getting breast augmentation--all in an effort to get her relationship with Steve back to where it was in the beginning.

During that time, Steve broke up with her. He told her he met someone new and he wasn't interested in being with Lynn anymore. After that Lynn was heartbroken, but she didn't give up. She told Steve she hope they could remain friends and meet for coffee sometimes.  Steve seemed surprised, but he agreed.

Overcoming Toxic Hope in an Unhealthy Relationship

Lynn's friends urged her to get her money back from and to stop hoping he would come back to her. But Lynn didn't listen to them.

She would meet Steve for coffee every few weeks and he would tell her his new girlfriend was fantastic and they were going to move in together. Although Lynn felt upset, she kept smiling and hoping Steve would come back to her.

When Steve told her his new girlfriend didn't like him spending time with her, Lynn still couldn't accept that it was over. 

Months went by and one day Lynn ran into Steve with his girlfriend and he introduced them. Then he told Lynn that he and his girlfriend were going to get married. His girlfriend held out her hand to show Lynn the engagement ring. Then, Steve and his girlfriend walked off looking very much in love.

At that point, Lynn felt like her world was crashing down on her. She couldn't fool herself anymore--she had to admit she lost Steve and he was in love with someone else.

Her friends encouraged Lynn to seek help in therapy which she did reluctantly. She told her therapist she kept thinking about all the good times she and Steve had together. She said she would sometimes spend whole days just remembering how good their relationship was at the beginning and she couldn't believe it was over.

Her therapist asked Lynn about her family history and Lynn revealed that she had a similar relationship with her parents. Other than providing her with the basic necessities, her parents tended to ignore her and, as an only child, she tended to spend a lot of time on her own.

Lynn revealed that she excelled academically and she always had friends, but she tended to be in denial, even as an adult, about the emotional neglect she experienced as a child. 

Throughout her life, Lynn believed she could get her parents' attention by maintaining excellent grades in school and succeeding in her career, but her parents weren't interested. 

Her therapist saw parallels between the toxic hope she maintained in her relationship with her parents and the toxic hope she had maintained in her relationship with Steve.

Initially, Lynn couldn't admit she was emotionally neglected as a child. She made up many excuses for the way her parents neglected her but, over time, she realized how she was in denial about her parents, Steve and other men she had been involved with before Steve.

At that point, Lynn was able to grieve her childhood and the way she was treated in her relationships. Her therapist helped her with trauma therapy, including EMDR and Parts Work Therapy.

Gradually, Lynn realized she had allow herself to get stuck in unhealthy relationships with men due to her denial in the form of toxic hope. 

She also learned to assert herself by asking Steve to repay her the $5,000 he owed her and she was surprised to receive a check from him.

As she continued to work in trauma therapy, Lynn allowed herself to see her relationship with her parents and her romantic relationships for what they were and not for what she hoped they would be.

She also worked on feeling that she deserved to be in a relationship where she was treated well.

Conclusion

Toxic hope is a form of denial.

Toxic hope in an unhealthy involved convincing yourself that the relationship will work out--even when there are serious red flags that it won't.

Toxic hope is often rooted in unresolved trauma.

Trauma therapy can help you to get to the root of your problems so you don't keep making the same mistakes over and over again.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

Rather than repeating the same healthy patterns, get help in trauma therapy.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

A skilled trauma therapist can help you to overcome the obstacles that keep you stuck so you can live a meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience helping individual adults and couples to overcome trauma (see my article: What is Trauma Therapy?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How to Overcome Fear of Abandonment

I've written prior articles about fear of abandonment (see my article: How Therapy Can Help You to Overcome Fear of Abandonment).

Overcoming Fear of Abandonment

In the current article I'm getting into my more detail to explore fear of abandonment.

What is Fear of Abandonment?

Fear of abandonment is a common form of anxiety including a fear of being abandoned by family members and significant others.

How Does Fear of Abandonment Manifest?

Fear of abandonment can manifest as

• Clinginess
• Distrust
• Difficulty establishing and maintaining close relationships

What Causes Fear of Abandonment?

Everyone's experience is different.

Generally, fear of abandonment is often caused by past experiences and unresolved trauma including past relationship trauma and/or early childhood trauma.

What Are Some of the Signs and Symptoms of Fear of Abandonment?

    Emotional Signs and Symptoms include:

• Anxiety and panic: Feeling overwhelmed and distressed by the possibility of being abandoned

• Distrust: Difficulty trusting others and fear others will leave

Overcoming Fear of Abandonment

• Sensitivity to Criticism or Rejection: Reacting intensely to perceived criticism or rejection

• Fear of Intimacy: Fear of getting close to someone and, possibly, pushing them away if there is already a relationship

• Worry When It Seems Things Are Going Too Well: Feeling anxious when things seem to be going too well due to fear it will not last

Behavioral Signs and Symptoms include:

• Clinginess: Being overly dependent and needing constant reassurance

• Manipulative Behavior: Trying to control or manipulate others to avoid being left

• People Pleasing: Going to great lengths to avoid conflict and rejection

• Sabotaging Relationships: Intentionally pushing people away or ending a relationship before they can be abandoned

• Social Isolation: Avoiding social situations or relationships to avoid getting hurt or abandoned (see my article: Overcoming Loneliness and Social Isolation).

What Are the Roots of Fear of Abandonment?

• Childhood Experiences: Being emotionally neglected, abused or experiencing  inconsistent parenting can lead to emotional insecurity and a fear of being abandoned (see my article: How Unresolved Childhood Trauma Affect Adult Relationships).

• Traumatic Events: Unresolved childhood trauma, such as the death of a parent or other loved ones, can develop into a fear of being abandoned.

• Anxious Attachment Style: People who have an anxious attachment style can develop a fear of being abandoned.

How Can You Overcome Fear of Abandonment?

• Self Care: Practicing self compassion, engaging in activities that enhance your well-being and building a strong sense of self

• Developing Healthy Relationships: Establishing healthy relationships with people who are trustworthy, reliable and responsible 

• Seeking Emotional Support: Seeking support among loved ones who are emotionally supportive 
• 
  
• Seeking Help in Trauma Therapy: Making a commitment to work through unresolved trauma in trauma therapy (see my article: What is Trauma Therapy?).

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases, illustrates how trauma therapy can help an individual to overcome fear of abandonment:

Sara

When Sara first started dating Ed, she enjoyed her time with him. But as time went on and they developed stronger feelings for each other, Sara felt more insecure and anxious. She began worrying time that Ed would leave her now that she was in love with him. 

She would ask him repeatedly for reassurance that he wasn't planning on leaving her, which he was willing to do at first. But, after a while, he realized that no amount of reassurance would relieve her anxiety.

Overcoming Fear of Abandonment

When her anxiety felt out of control, she sought help in trauma therapy. 

In trauma therapy, she found out that her anxiety and insecurity had nothing to do with Ed--it mostly involved unresolved trauma regarding the emotional neglect she experienced as a child.

Over time, Sara learned how to separate her childhood experiences from her relationship with Ed. It wasn't easy, but she learned how to regulate her emotions during those moments when she felt anxious around Ed so she could be more present with him (see my article: Overcoming Childhood Trauma: Learn to Separate Your Experiences From Back Then From Your Experiences Now).

Her therapist also used EMDR Therapy to help her to overcome her unresolved childhood trauma so it was no longer getting triggered when she was with Ed.

The work in trauma therapy was neither quick nor easy, but Sara overcame her anxiety and she and Ed became much closer.

Conclusion

Fear of abandonment is a common form of anxiety.

Fear of abandonment can come up for a variety of reasons, as mentioned earlier in this article.

If this anxiety isn't addressed in therapy, it can get worse over time, so it's better to get help sooner rather than later in trauma therapy.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

Many people don't realize they have fear of abandonment until they enter into an exclusive relationship where emotional vulnerability comes up.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

If you have tried to overcome fear of abandonment on your own without success, you could benefit from working with a skilled trauma therapist who has training and expertise in trauma therapy, like EMDR or other types of trauma therapy like AEDP, Parts Work, Somatic Experiencing and other forms of Experiential Therapy (see my article: Why Experiential Therapy is More Effective Than Talk Therapy to Overcome Trauma)

Once you have worked through your fear and anxiety about being abandoned, you can live a more meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

With over 20 years of experience as trauma therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples to overcome trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

Relationships: How to Stop the Drama in Your Relationship

In my work as a couples therapist in New York City I work with many couples who struggle with emotional drama and chaos in their relationship (see my article: How to Reduce Emotional Reactivity in Your Relationship).

Stop the Drama in Your Relationship

What is Drama in a Relationship?

Drama in a relationship refers to unnecessary conflict, emotional manipulation or the creation of problems (where they don't really exist) to get attention or control the relationship including:

• Attention Seeking: Some individuals in a relationship create drama in an effort to feel validated by their partner--often at the partner's emotional expense.

• Poor Communication Skills: When one or both people lack good communication skills, they can struggle to express their emotional needs or resolve conflict in a healthy way.

Stop the Drama in Your Relationship

• Unrealistic Expectations: When partners don't have realistic expectations of each other, this can lead to drama, especially if they don't know how to communicate well (see my article: Are You and Your Partner on the Same Wavelength About Your Relationship?).

• Projecting Emotional Pain: Partners can project their own emotional pain onto each other which usually leads to conflict.

• Past Unresolved Psychological Trauma: Partners can unconsciously project their unresolved trauma from the past onto their current relationship (see my article: How Unresolved Trauma Can Affect Your Relationship).

What Are the Signs of Drama in a Relationship?

A couple might have all or some of the following signs:

• Constant arguments, bickering or fights

• A partner trying to control the relationship by claiming to be "right" all the time

• A partner constantly needing attention and validation from the other partner 

Stop the Drama in Your Relationship

• A partner who is self centered and selfish most of the time so everything is about them or what they want

• A partner who constantly twists reality, tries to make the other partner doubt their sanity or memory (see my article: What Are the 7 Stages of Gaslighting in a Relationship?)

• A partner who doesn't show interest in the other partner's concerns or well-being

• A partner who doesn't apologize or take responsibility for their actions

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many different cases, illustrates a couple struggling with drama in their relationship and how they were helped in couples therapy:

Sue and John

When Sue and John first started dating, they both felt their relationship could flourish and grow. But six months later, they were arguing a lot and breaking up every few weeks.

Stop the Drama in Your Relationship

They decided they either needed to seek help in couples therapy or go their separate ways so, rather than break up again, they sought help.

Over time, in couples therapy they learned how unresolved trauma from both of their childhoods was getting played out in their relationship.

Sue's parents were emotionally neglectful of her and so in her relationship with John, she sought constant attention and validation from him in a highly agitated state--to the point where he felt she was emotionally exhausting him. Sue realized in couples therapy she was re-enacting unresolved childhood trauma in her relationship with John.

John was raised by a single mother who was highly anxious most of the time. She looked to him, when he was a child, for validation and attention. This heavy emotional burden was more than he could endure as a child. As a result, he learned to ignore her and fend for himself. In couples therapy he recognized that he was doing this to Sue too without realizing it.

Learn to Break the Negative Cycle in Couples Therapy

Their negative dynamic was the source of many of their arguments until they learned, over time, in couples therapy to identify their negative cycle so they could break their negative cycle.

How to Stop Drama in Your Relationship

• Learn to develop healthy communication skills

• Learn to address and work through unresolved trauma in individual therapy

• Learn how to identify and manage your emotions

• Set realistic expectations for the relationship

Get Help in Couples Therapy

It can be challenging to change unhealthy relationship patterns on your own.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

If you have attempted to work through your problems without success, consider seeking help in couples therapy.

A skilled couples therapist can help you to identify and break the negative cycle in your relationship so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience helping individual adults and couples (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples - EFT? ).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Setting Boundaries: How to Stop Being Enmeshed With Your Family

I began a discussion about enmeshment in an earlier article, Overcoming Shame in an Enmeshed Family.

Overcoming Enmeshment in Your Family

Topics in the Current Article

In the current article, I'm covering:

• What is Enmeshment?
• What Causes Enmeshment in Families?
• How to Overcome Enmeshment
• Getting Help in Therapy to Overcome Enmeshment

What is Enmeshment?

If you grew up in an enmeshed family you probably had at least some of the following issues:

• There was a lack of physical and emotional boundaries.

• There was a tendency to focus on what's best for other family members and not what's best for you.

• You put other family members' happiness above your own.

Overcoming Enmeshment in Your Family

• You feel guilt and shame, as an adult, if you put your needs above other family members. For instance,  you might not want to call your mother every week, but you feel guilty and ashamed if you don't because you know she wants you to call weekly.

• Your family's self worth is dependent upon your success.

• Your family expects you to share everything about your life--even things you might want to keep private. They get offended if you say something in your life is private.

• Your family might have imposed their ideas on you when you were a young adult instead of encouraging you to follow your own hopes and dreams. If you wanted to follow your own aspirations, they felt offended and you felt guilty and ashamed.

• Parents in enmeshed families tend to treat their children like friends instead of children because there is a lack of boundaries.

• You tend to avoid conflicts, even now as an adult, because you have difficulty setting limits.

• You lack a strong sense of who you are.

• You absorb other people's emotions around you because you lack appropriate boundaries (this is different from being an empath).

What Causes Enmeshment in Families?

Enmeshment usually develops in dysfunctional families and repeats the pattern from one generation to the next (see my article: 

Overcoming Enmeshment in Your Family

It can be difficult to pinpoint when an enmeshed family dynamic started since it might go back generations and family members often have little to no awareness about the enmeshment.

Enmeshment often develops due to unresolved trauma, mental health problems, substance abuse, compulsive gambling or other related issues.

What is the Impact of Enmeshment in Adult Relationships?

The following characteristics are common for adults who grew up in enmeshed families?

• Low self esteem
  

• Anxiety
  

• Fear of abandonment
  

• Being out of touch with your feelings

• Feeling burdened by guilt and shame

Overcoming Enmeshment in Your Family

• An overdeveloped sense of responsibility

• Poor personal boundaries

• Difficulty setting boundaries with others

• Codependency
  

• Difficulty with assertiveness

• Difficulty with emotional regulation 

• Difficulty calming or soothing yourself emotionally

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases, illustrates the negative impact of enmeshed family dynamics and how psychotherapy can help:

Maria

Maria grew up in crowded family home where she shared a bed with her two older sisters. She had no privacy. 

When Maria was 15 years old, her oldest sister found Maria's diary, she read it to their parents, grandparents and siblings and they laughed at what Maria wrote about feeling sad.

Her parents and grandparents invalidated her feelings and told her she had nothing to feel sad about since she had a roof over her head, food and clothing.  They told her that only someone who had something terrible to hide from the family would even want to write in a diary.  Then, her father tore up her diary and threw it in the garbage. He told her she should be ashamed of herself for what she wrote.

When she turned 16 years old, Maria's maternal uncle, who came to live with her family, began touching her inappropriately when no one was around. He told her that he would hurt her sisters if she told anyone about the sexual abuse (see my article: Overcoming the Trauma of Sexual Abuse).

One day her mother happened to come home early and she found her brother touching Maria's breasts. She threw her brother out of the house and she also blamed Maria for the sexual abuse.  

She told Maria it was her fault that the uncle touched her inappropriately. Then, she made Maria promise not to tell Maria's father because she feared what he might do to the uncle if he found out.

When it was time for Maria to choose a major in college, her parents insisted that she become a teacher--even though Maria wanted to become a medical doctor. Her parents told her that women shouldn't become doctors because they would have to see men's naked bodies and this was shameful for a woman.

Maria was upset that her parents were trying to force her to choose a career she didn't want so she sought help from a professor who referred her to the college counseling center.  

In counseling, Maria learned to set boundaries with her family--even though they didn't like it and they threatened to stop paying her tuition.

Overcoming Enmeshment in Your Family

Her counselor helped Maria to get a scholarship and a room in a dorm so she could live independently from her family.  She took pre-med courses and, eventually, she went to medical school.

While she was in medical school, she sought help from a trauma therapist so she could deal with the impact of her enmeshed family, including the sexual abuse.

Even though her family didn't like that Maria was making her own decisions and setting boundaries with them, they accepted it reluctantly.  

While she was in medical school, Maria met her husband-to-be and she learned to have a healthy relationship with him with the tools she learned in therapy.

How to Overcome Enmeshment

To become a mature adult, children need to learn to become their own person at stages that are appropriate for their development at the time.  This is part of the individuation process.

Individuation means being your own person and not just an extension of your parents and other family members.

When you are appropriately individuated from your family, you can maintain your relationships with them with appropriate boundaries. You also learn how to be your own person physically, emotionally and psychologically.

To overcome enmeshment, you need to learn to:

• Set appropriate boundaries with family members (see my article: How to Set Boundaries Without Guilt).

• Discover who you are as an individual apart from your family.

• Learn to stop feeling ashamed and guilty if what's right for you might make your family unhappy.

• Get help in therapy when trying to overcome enmeshment becomes too challenging.

Getting Help in Therapy

Overcoming enmeshment can be challenging.

Getting Help in Therapy

A licensed mental health professional with the right expertise can help you to develop the skills you need to overcome enmeshment and develop healthier relationships.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a skilled psychotherapist so you can lead a more meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapy.

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples to overcome trauma, including enmeshed relationships.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.