How a Woman's Negative Body Image Can Affect 1ntimacy in a Relationship and How Therapy Can Help

Both men and women can be affected by a negative body image, but it's more common among women (see my article: Is a Negative Body Image Ruining Your Sex Life?).

What is a Negative Body Image For Women?

A negative body image refers to body dissatisfaction and a preoccupation with what women perceive as "bodily flaws" and "imperfections."

A Woman With a Negative Body Image

This means women are often unhappy about how they look, so they think they must change their body in terms of size and/or shape.  

How Does a Negative Body Image Develop For Women?

Western culture tends to value girls' and women's bodies that are young and thin.  

This is easily observed in social media, like Instagram, in magazines and many other forms of media (see my article: How to Stop Negatively Comparing Yourself to Others).

Girls and women get the message early on that, in order to appear attractive, they must strive to maintain a youthful and thin appearance or they won't be desirable.

A Woman's Negative Body Issues Can Start at a Young Age

Unfortunately, many girls get the same message in their homes where one or both parents, grandparents or siblings criticize them for not having what they consider the "ideal" body.  

Women's romantic and sexual partners might also be critical of a woman's body--even if they try to frame their criticism as "I'm just trying to help you."

All of this criticism about body image can cause self consciousness, shame and guilt as women strive to live up to a standard of beauty that is often unattainable for most people.

How Can a Negative Body Image Affect Mental Health?

Girls and women who feel unattractive because their body doesn't look a particular way are more likely to develop depression, anxiety, low self esteem and eating disorders.

They might develop anxiety about social situations where they fear they'll be judged.

A Woman's Negative Body Issues Can Affect Her Mental Health

They might also avoid going to the beach because they feel too ashamed of people looking at them critically in a bathing suit.

They might also avoid dating and/or sexual encounters because they fear their body will be judged.

All of this social avoidance can leave them feeling isolated and lonely.

How Can a Negative Body Image Affect Emotional and Sexual Intimacy in a Relationship?

A negative body image can have a negative impact on emotional and sexual intimacy in a relationship.

Women who feel ashamed of their body might avoid having sex for fear of being judged by their partner or, if they have sex, they might be too anxious and self conscious to enjoy it. 

A Woman's Negative Body Issues Can Affect Her Relationship

If they do have sex with a partner, they might just go through the motions and hope to get through sex as quickly as possible.

They might also project their dissatisfaction with their body onto their romantic and sexual partners, which can cause women to believe that their partner feels disgusted by their body when, in fact, this often isn't the case.

All of this can lead to poor relationship and sexual satisfaction for both partners. 

In many cases, the woman might be too ashamed to talk about her poor body image issues so that the partner might assume that her emotional and sexual avoidance is due to her finding him less attractive and desirable.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette shows the impact of a woman's negative body issues and how sex therapy can help:

June and Mark

When June was growing up, her mother would monitor everything that she ate from the time June was 10 years old.  

Her mother was also preoccupied with her own food consumption and weight. She would exercise several times a day to burn off the calories she ingested.

Her mother would often caution June not to eat too much, "If you eat too much and get fat, the boys won't like you."

June's older sister, Marie, who was tall and thin, would also criticize June when they were both teenagers, "You're too fat. You need to go on a diet."

Even though June's doctor told her and her mother that June was a normal weight for her age, June continued to hear criticism about being fat from both her mother and sister while her father remained silent on the topic.

By the time June was in her early 30s and in a serious relationship with Mark, she worried that he would find her unattractive--even though he reassured her many times that he found her very attractive.

Due to her negative body image, she never initiated sex, which was a source of contention between her and Mark. 

Even though she knew objectively that Mark wouldn't reject her because he never did, on an emotional level she feared that he wouldn't want to have sex with her if she was the one who initiated. She felt that if he initiated sex, she knew he wanted to be sexual and she wouldn't have to face his rejection, even though she knew this was irrational.

No matter how much Mark tried to reassure June that he loved her and he found her very attractive, she couldn't overcome her fear.

During sex, June felt so ashamed of her body that she just wanted them to get through it as quickly as possible so she could cover herself up. 

After a while, Mark felt less inclined to initiate sex, so weeks and months went by where they weren't having sex.

When they began talking about moving in together, Mark brought up their nonexistent sex life and suggested they get help in sex therapy before they considered living together.

Although June felt hesitant to attend sex therapy because she didn't know what to expect, she agreed to attend these sessions with Mark to salvage their relationship.

During sex therapy sessions, their sex therapist told them how common it is for women to have a negative image of their body.

She also explained to them that sex therapy is a form of talk therapy and there would be no physical touch, nudity or physical exams during their sessions.

Their sex therapist worked with them as a couple and she also had individual sessions with June and Mark.

During June's family history session, June realized how her upbringing affected her perception of her body.  

Their sex therapist also helped June to challenge these views through Ego States Therapy, also known as Parts Work Therapy, by asking the critical part of herself to step aside and relax so that the positive parts of herself could be strengthened and help to affirm her body image (see my article: How Parts Work Therapy Can Empower You).

Their therapist also helped June to use mindfulness and self compassion to deal with her negative perception of her body (see my article: How Mindfulness and Self Compassion Can Help With Body Acceptance).

She also helped June to focus on sexual pleasure during solo sex and sex with Mark instead of focusing on her body as the couple resumed having sex again.

Gradually, June developed body self acceptance and a positive erotic self (see my articles: Keeping an Erotic Journal For Sexual Self Discovery and What is Your Erotic Blueprint?).

After a while, June felt comfortable enough with her body to initiate sex with Mark so that sex was more pleasurable for both of them.

The work was neither quick nor easy, but both June and Mark were motivated to attend sessions and make changes.

Over time, June and Mark's emotional bond and sexual relationship were strengthened.

Whenever June felt the negative part of herself that was critical of her body creeping in, she gently asked it to step aside so the healthier parts of herself could take precedence.  

After a while, the part of herself that was critical of her body came up less and less until it stopped altogether.

Mark also learned in sex therapy how to be more sexually affirming of June in the way he related to her.

Their successful work in sex therapy enabled them to move in together and have a satisfying emotional and sexual connection.

Conclusion

Men and women can have negative feelings about their body.  For men, this might include shame about penis size, height and other physical characteristics and distortions.

This article focuses on women's negative body issues, which can develop at an early age, because negative body issues are more prevalent among women.

A negative body image which is affecting emotional and sexual intimacy is a common issue  that is dealt with in sex therapy.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Whether you are single or in a relationship, if you're suffering with a negative body issue, you're not alone.

Get Help in Sex Therapy

If a negative body issue is having an impact on how you feel about yourself as a sexual being, sex therapy can be helpful.

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

There is no nudity, physical exams or physical contact during sex therapy (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Many individuals and couples are helped in sex therapy for a variety of issues (see my article: 

What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapy.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

EMDR Therapy Online is Just as Effective as in Person

Like many psychotherapists these days, I have a hybrid private practice in New York with in person and online sessions.

I know many people are apprehensive about doing online therapy because they believe it won't be as effective as in person therapy. 

I also believed this--until the pandemic made it necessary for therapists and clients to switch from in person to online therapy and I had to try working with clients online.

I was pleasantly surprised to discover that my experience with online therapy, including EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) therapy, has been just as effective as in person sessions (see my article: How EMDR Therapy Works: EMDR and the Brain).

EMDR Online is Just as Effective as in Person

A lot of clients are also surprised to hear that EMDR can be done online, so when they ask me what the difference is between EMDR therapy in person and EMDR online, my response is that the EMDR protocol is exactly the same online as it is in person. 

In other words, the eight phases of EMDR therapy remain the same and the protocol for setting up EMDR sessions is the same.  

What might be different are some minor adjustments to the Bilateral Stimulation used during EMDR (see my article: What is Bilateral Stimulation (BLS) in EMDR Therapy?).

The reason I say might be different is that, depending upon the client's and therapist's preferences for doing BLS, BLS can often be done the same way online as it is in person.  

For instance, if there is a preference for bilateral tapping (the client tapping on their knees or upper arms) this can be done the same way online as it's done in person and this type of tapping is just as effective as eye movements or auditory tones.

Advantages of Online EMDR Therapy

EMDR therapy online has the same advantages as online talk therapy, including but not limited to:

• You Experience Therapy in the Comfort and Safety of Your Home: Some clients prefer to be in the comfort and safety of their own home when they're processing trauma. 

• You Save on Travel Time and Cost: Commuting can be expensive and time consuming, even if you live within New York City, Also, if you're late for a therapy session due to public transportation or traffic, you probably won't get the full hour because therapists often have clients scheduled back to back. Whereas if you're having an online session, you just need to go to where you have your phone, computer or iPad in your home.

EMDR Online is Just as Effective as in Person

• You Experience the Benefit of Greater Access to Therapy: For many clients traveling into New York City might not be feasible on a weekly basis. For instance, if you live in Long Island, Westchester, Upstate New York or anywhere within New York State that isn't Manhattan, you might not find it practical to travel to Manhattan every week, especially if you don't work in Manhattan. Also, there might not be an EMDR therapist in your area, but as long as you live within New York State, you can have online access to therapists anywhere in New York State, including New York City.

The Choice is Yours: In Person, Online EMDR Therapy or a Combination of Both

Whether you do in person or online EMDR therapy, if you are a candidate for EMDR therapy, the choice is yours.

Even if you choose in person therapy, you might have days when you can't commute to Manhattan for a particular reason, so you might need to do a combination of in person and online at times.

Conclusion

Many clients who haven't experienced online therapy are apprehensive about trying it. However, in my experience, most clients who try online therapy, whether it's EMDR or another type of therapy, are often pleasantly surprised to discover that they like it and some even prefer it.

EMDR therapy is just as effective online as it is in person.

In order to do online therapy, you need to have a reliable Internet connection for a cell phone, iPad or computer.  You also need to have privacy to make sure your sessions are confidential.

As of this writing, you must either live in the state where your therapist is licensed to do online therapy or you must be able to come to a therapist's office (even if you live in a different state). This law might change at some point, so check laws in your state.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples in person in my Greenwich Village office and online on Zoom (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?)

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What is Bilateral Stimulation (BLS) in EMDR Therapy?

EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) therapy is a safe and effective therapy for processing trauma (see my article: How EMDR Therapy Works: EMDR and the Brain).

Bilateral Stimulation as Part of EMDR Therapy

EMDR has been used to treat trauma since the late 1980s when it was developed by Dr. Francine Shapiro. 

In addition to being a clinician, Dr. Shapiro was also a researcher, so she did EMDR research which demonstrated the effectiveness of EMDR to process trauma.

A key component of EMDR therapy is Bilateral Stimulation (BLS).

What is Bilateral Stimulation (BLS) in EMDR Therapy?

Let's start by defining BLS.

BLS is the use of a stimulus that activates both sides of the brain and the body which allows the processing of memories, emotions and bodily sensations which are "stuck" in the nervous system as a result of trauma.

By activating both sides of the brain and body, BLS allows more effective processing of trauma than regular talk therapy.  

Bilateral Stimulation as Part of EMDR Therapy

Clients often report feeling less distressed by traumatic memories while using BLS because BLS has an integrative function. 

In other words, instead of being "stuck," traumatic memories get integrated with other experiences so that, over time, a client's distress level decreases until these memories are no longer distressing.

In the late 1980s, when Dr. Shapiro was developing EMDR therapy, BLS only consisted of eye movements (eyes moving back and forth while following the therapist's hand).

As other EMDR therapists contributed to the development of EMDR therapy, they discovered that other types of BLS worked just as well as eye movements. 

So for instance, many EMDR therapists had clients hold a set of tappers in their hands for BLS.  The tappers buzzed back and forth from the right side to the left and back again. These therapists discovered that tappers were just as effective as using eye movements as a form of BLS.

Dr. Laurel Parnell, who developed Attachment-Focused EMDR therapy, is known for using tapping as BLS where either the therapist or the client taps alternately on their arms or knees.  

Some clients like to listen to music with headphones where the music goes from one ear to the other back and forth. 

The advantage of using BLS that doesn't involve moving the eyes back and forth is that clients can close their eyes while processing a traumatic memory so they can tune into what's happening in their body, which is an important part of EMDR therapy, a mind-body oriented therapy.

Why is BLS Used in EMDR Therapy?

EMDR research has shown that using BLS as a key component to EMDR therapy and makes it a powerful modality for processing trauma, posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD), other forms of anxiety and depression--to name just a few mental health issues where EMDR has been found to be highly effective.

Other Forms of BLS in Everyday Life

Aside from EMDR therapy, there are other forms of BLS in our everyday life.

Common examples of bilateral stimulation in everyday life include:

• Walking or Running: When you walk or run, you move one leg and then the other so that walking becomes a bilateral experience.

• Swimming: When you swim, you alternate using your arms and legs, which is a bilateral experience.

• Biking: When you ride a bike, you alternate each leg as you pedal, which is a bilateral experience.

People often report that when they walk, run, swim or bike, they feel better.  Many people say they come up with solutions to problems even if they're not actively thinking about these problems.

People also report feeling more relaxed after engaging in one of these activities, similar to how many clients experience BLS as part of EMDR therapy.

How is BLS Related to Memory Reconsolidation?

BLS is thought to be similar to REM (rapid eye movement) sleep.  

REM is a phase of sleep where memories are reconsolidated.

Since BLS activates both sides of the brain, similar to REM, it allows for communication and integration between fragmented parts of traumatic memories which have been stored in different parts of the brain.

EMDR Processing and Memory Reconsolidation

During EMDR reprocessing of a traumatic memory, the memory is brought back into consciousness during BLS and it is restored into long term memory with less vividness and intensity.  This is how memories that are "stuck" get "unstuck."

Over time, processing traumatic memories using BLS during EMDR sessions, makes the traumatic memories less distressing. When memories are restored in long term memory with less distress, the client experiences emotional healing.

They also understand on an emotional level (not just on a cognitive level) that the trauma is from the past and they no longer feel the negative impact in the present (see my article: Reacting to the Present Based on Your Traumatic Past).

This process is not something that happens in just a few sessions, especially if the trauma is longstanding and complex.  However, EMDR therapy is usually faster and more effective than regular talk therapy.

Also, see my article: EMDR Therapy Online is Just as Effective as EMDR in Person

Getting Help in EMDR Therapy

If you have been unable to resolve traumatic experiences on your own, you could benefit from working with a Trauma Therapist who does EMDR therapy.

Getting Help in EMDR Therapy

See my article: EMDR Therapy - When Talk Therapy Isn't Enough)

Working through unresolved trauma can help you to lead a more meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients overcome unresolved trauma using EMDR therapy and other forms of trauma therapy (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Unresolved Trauma Can Make It Difficult For You to Feel Secure Even in a Healthy Relationship

Anxiety can be a useful signal when you're in a dangerous situation. 

For instance, if you're walking in the woods and there's been a report of a bear lurking around, your anxiety can trigger your self-protective instincts to be on the lookout for the bear.

Early Unresolved Trauma Can Affect Adult Relationships

But when you feel anxiety about your relationship when you know objectively you're in a healthy relationship, your anxiety is misplaced and this could be a sign that the problem is rooted in the past.

See my articles: 

How Unresolved Childhood Trauma Can Affect Adult Relationships

When Your Traumatic Past is Triggering You in the Present

Clinical Vignette:

The following clinical vignette which, as always, is a composite of many different cases, illustrates how past trauma can affect a current relationship and how trauma therapy can help:

Gina

Several months before Gina started trauma therapy, she felt very happy and grateful to be in her relationship with Bill.  But six months into her relationship, she began to feel anxious for no apparent reason. Nothing had changed in her relationship with Bill, but she was overwhelmed with insecurity and a sense of impending doom.  

After talking to her close friends, who knew Gina had a long history of unresolved trauma, Gina began trauma therapy to try to understand how her family history might be affecting her experience in her relationship.

During the history taking session, Gina described a tumultuous family history which included significant attachment trauma including the death of her father before she was born and many uprootings in terms of her mother and Gina relocating almost every year to a new state.  

As a result of her attachment trauma and all the moving around from state to state, Gina had a lot of difficulty making friends because every time she formed friendships, she experienced the loss of those friends when she and her mother moved out of state.

Gina also had a history of good relationships where, similar to her relationship with Bill, she would be happy during the first few months, but then she would become anxious for no particular reason. 

Even though there was no objective reason to believe that her current boyfriend, Bill, would leave her, she was preoccupied with fear of abandonment and she would need a lot of reassurance from him that he wasn't going to end the relationship (see my article: Relationships and Fear of Abandonment).

Over time, Gina learned in therapy how her traumatic history was affecting her current relationship. 

Her trauma therapist used various modes of Experiential Therapy to help Gina to work on her early trauma so her early experiences would no longer be the source of her insecurity, anxiety and fear of abandonment in her current relationship., including the following trauma therapy modalities:

• EMDR Therapy (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)

• Somatic Experiencing

• AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy)

Gradually, over time, Gina was able to separate her anxiety about her past traumatic experiences from her current experiences in her relationship (see my article: Overcoming Childhood Trauma: Separating Then From Now).

Separating the Traumatic Past From the Present

This enabled Gina to be present in her relationship with Bill in a way she had not been able to do before she did trauma therapy.  As she worked through her early trauma, she was able to respond to Bill in a loving and trusting way.

Conclusion

You might know objectively that you're in a secure, healthy relationship, but past traumatic experiences can make you feel anxious and insecure in an otherwise good relationship.

Experiential therapy, like EMDR therapy, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and other types of trauma therapy, were developed specifically to help clients to overcome trauma in a more effective way than regular talk therapy (see my article: Why Experiential Therapy is More Effective Than Talk Therapy to Overcome Trauma).

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

If you think your traumatic past is having a negative impact on your current circumstances, you could benefit from trauma therapy.

A skilled trauma therapist can help you to overcome trauma that you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to overcome trauma (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Healing Attachment Trauma in Trauma Therapy

Attachment trauma, which involves attachment wounds, can occur at any time of life. 

Healing Attachment Trauma in Trauma Therapy 

Attachment trauma often occurs when there are significant disruptions in close relationships.

Examples of Attachment Wounds Which Are Part of Attachment Trauma

Attachment wounds include but are not limited to:

• Early loss or abandonment in childhood

• Death of a parent in childhood

• Lack of affection during childhood

• Being separated during infancy or any time in childhood from parents or primary caregivers

• Physical or emotional abuse, childhood emotional neglect or sexual abuse

• A caregiver who is the source of overwhelming emotional distress for a child

• Infidelity in a relationship including extramarital affairs and financial infidelity

• A caregiver who has a substance abuse problem

• A caregiver with mental health issues or who is emotionally unstable

• A caregiver with an anxious, avoidant or disorganized attachment style

• A caregiver with poor emotional, physical or sexual boundaries

• A caregiver who treats a child like a friend (see my article: Why Your Child Can't Be Your Friend)

• A caregiver who is controlling to the point where a child has difficulty individuating (being their own person)

• Divorce in the family during childhood

• Intergenerational trauma

• Betrayal in a romantic relationship, family relationship or friendship

• Lack of support from a partner, spouse or significant other during a significant event or transition

What Are Signs and Symptoms of Attachment Trauma?

The signs and symptoms of attachment trauma include but are not limited to:

• A pattern of difficulties in relationships with friends, family members, significant others and work relationships

A Pattern of Difficulties in Relationships

• A tendency to experience humiliation, shame and/or guilt

• Hyper-reactivity to stress (see my article: Responding Instead of Reacting)

• Hyperarousal

• A tendency to be anxious, avoidant or disorganized in romantic relationships including healthy relationships (see my article: How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship)

• Enmeshed relationships with family members, friends or significant others

• Poor interpersonal boundaries 

Mental Health and Substance Abuse Issues Related to Attachment Trauma

Mental health and substance abuse issues related to attachment trauma include but are not limited to:

• Depression

• Anxiety
  

• Trauma and Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

• Complex trauma

• Alcohol misuse

Attachment Trauma and Alcohol Misuse

• Drug misuse or addiction

• Compulsive gambling

• Overspending

• Overeating

• Out of control sexual behavior (OCSB)
  

Healing Attachment Trauma in Trauma Therapy

There are many different types of trauma therapy, which all come under the umbrella of experiential therapy including:

• Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR)

• Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy (AEDP)

• Parts Work Therapy including Ego States Therapy and Internal Family Systems Therapy

• Somatic Experiencing Therapy
  

How Will You Know When You're on the Path to Healing an Attachment Trauma?

There is no quick fix for healing attachment trauma, but Experiential Therapy, like EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and Parts Work tend to be more effective than regular talk therapy for healing trauma (see my article: Why Experiential Therapy is More Effective Than Talk Therapy to Overcome Trauma).

Since you might not have experienced emotionally supportive relationships when you were a child, you will probably need time to develop a therapeutic rapport with your trauma therapist, so it's good to be aware of this as you start trauma therapy (see my article: Can You Learn to Trust Your Therapist If You Weren't Able to Trust Your Family?).

Signs that might be part of your path to healing an attachment trauma include but are not limited to:

• You're beginning to respond instead of react to stress

• You're starting to feel safer in your body

• You're getting better at setting boundaries

• You're becoming more aware of when you feel ashamed, guilty or humiliated when there's no objective reason to feel that way

• You're beginning to feel less anxious

• You're becoming aware that your depression is beginning to lift

• You're starting to make healthier choices in relationships

• You're feeling less anxious, avoidant or disorganized in a healthy relationship

• You're cutting back or you have stopped drinking excessively

• You're cutting back or you have stopped misusing drugs

• You're feeling less inclined to gamble compulsively

• You're less inclined to overspend

• You're less inclined to overeat during times of stress 

• You no longer feel comfortable in enmeshed relationships

• You're prioritizing self care

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

If you're struggling with attachment trauma, you're not alone.

Healing Attachment Trauma in Trauma Therapy

A skilled trauma therapist can help you to overcome unresolved trauma.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is a trauma therapist.

Trauma therapy can help you to free yourself from your traumatic past so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Dating: Is a Situationship Right For You?

Situationships have become a lot more common in the dating world in recent years as compared to how dating used to be (see my article: How Does Old School Dating Compare to Contemporary Dating?).

People who want to date without a commitment often feel situationships work for them. 

Dating: Is a Situationship Right For You?

Other people who want an exclusive relationship don't like situationships because the lack of definition, commitment or direction makes them feel uncomfortable.

So, let's explore the pros and cons of situationships in the dating world, but first let's start by defining the term.

What is a Situationship?

The nature of a situationships can vary with different couples.

Generally speaking, a situationship is more than just FWB (Friends With Benefits) and less than an exclusive relationship. 

Dating: Is a Situationship Right For You?

In this respect, as previously mentioned, a situationship involves no commitment. It can occur between people who start out as strangers or people who are already friends.

The basic characteristics of a situation include:

• The Relationship is Undefined: You and your partner haven't put a label on your non-exclusve relationship. This might be because you just started dating so it's too soon to have "the talk" and, as a result, it hasn't been defined. It might also be because you're both fine with your situation as it is for now and neither of you has any intention to try to define it. It can also be because one of you likes things the way they are and the other is secretly hoping the relationship eventually becomes exclusive. 

• The Connection is Superficial and Based on Convenience: You and your partner might be sexual, but your conversations are mostly superficial small talk. It's possible that your partner might hardly or never ask you personal questions about yourself. In addition, there's no consistency in how often or when you see each other, so it's based on convenience. You might see each other when neither of you have any other plans or if one of you has plans that have fallen through.

• There's No Talk About a Future: As compared to people who are in an exclusive relationship, the two of you don't make plans for your relationship. You might not even make plans for future events like getting tickets for a concert or the theater. 

• The Relationship Isn't Exclusive: As previously mentioned, there's no commitment to be exclusive in a situationship, so each of you can date other people.

• There's No Follow Up: When you're together, you might really enjoy each other's company, but when you're apart, neither of you might take the initiative to contact the other or follow up with each other.

What Are the Pros and Cons of Being in a Situationship?

The pros and cons of a situationship are very much in the eye of the beholder.

If both people are genuinely interested in being in this type of casual relationship, they might find there are more advantages than disadvantages. 

Dating: Is a Situationship Right For You?

But if one person secretly wants a committed relationship and they're just going along with being in a situationship with the hope it will develop into something more, this can create problems.

The Pros

• Less Responsibility and Less Emotional Investment: For those who want less responsibility and no need to invest emotionally in a relationship, a situationship can work if both people want this.

• Freedom: You can enjoy each other's company when you're together, but there are none of the expectations involved with a committed relationship. This means you're both free to see other people.

• Fun With Less Stress: As long as both people are on the same page, you can enjoy your time together without the stress involved in a committed relationship.

The Cons

• Instability, Inconsistency and Stress: If Person A begins to develop feelings for Person B and Person B doesn't develop feelings for Partner A, Partner A might find the instability and inconsistency of a situationship to be too hurtful and stressful.

• Different Expectations: You might both start out liking a situationship but, over time, if Person A develops feelings, Person A might have different expectations. Under those circumstances, Person A needs to communicate. However, a change in the relationship might not suit Person B who might still want to be free and uncommitted.

Tips on How to Handle a Situationship

• Be Honest With Yourself: First, be honest with yourself. Know what you want. If you know you're not going to be comfortable with an uncommitted, undefined relationship, acknowledge this to yourself. There's nothing wrong with this--it's just who you are at this point in your life. Don't go into a situationship hoping to turn it into an exclusive relationship because it might never turn into that. Similarly, if. you know don't want to be in an exclusive relationship, there's nothing wrong with admitting to yourself that you want a casual relationship.

• Be Honest With the Other Person: Don't pretend you want something you don't want. Being honest with the other person can save a lot of heartache in the long run even if it creates an initial disappointment.

Dating: Is a Situationship Right For You?

• Communicate Your Needs Clearly: Along with being honest, communicate your needs clearly to the other person--whether it's at the beginning stage of a relationship or if you experience a change later on. Don't expect the other to know how you feel. 

• Be Honest, Tactful and Gracious If It Doesn't Work Out: A situationship might work for a while, but there's no way to know how feelings might change over time for one or both people. Many relationships run their course whether they're committed relationships or casual relationships. No relationship is emotionally risk free, so if it's no longer working for one or both of you, end it by being your best self.

Conclusion

It's important to know yourself. Situationships aren't for everyone and that's okay.

At certain points in your life, you might an uncommitted, undefined relationship because it's what suits you at the time with a particular person. 

At other times in your life, you might not want a situationship.

You might also be someone who would never want such a casual, undefined relationship and that's okay too.

Just be honest and open about your needs and consider the other person's needs when you're trying to decide what kind of relationship you want.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Family Estrangements Due to Homophobia, Biphobia and Transphobia

It's unfortunate that many LGBTQIA adult children are estranged from at least one family member due to homophobia, biphobia or transphobia. 

Emotional Support to Cope With Homophobia, Biphobia, Transphobia

This article will explore the reasons for these types of estrangements and suggest ways to get emotional support if you have been ostracized by one or more family members (see my articles: Coming Out as LGBTQIA and Coping With Homophobia in Your Family).

What is Homophobia, Biphobia and Transphobia?

Family members often feel fear, discomfort and mistrust of other family members who are LGBTQIA adults (see my article: Being the "Different One" in Your Family).

Heterosexual, gay, lesbian and bisexual people can also be transphobic and there is often fear and mistrust of bisexual people among heterosexual, gay, lesbian and trans people.

What is Internalized Homophobia, Biphobia and Transphobia?

Internalized homophobia, biphobia and transphobia is feeling phobic toward one's own sexual orientation or gender identity. This can range from minor discomfort to internalized self hatred.

Emotional Support to Cope With Homophobia, Biphobia and Transphobia

An internalized phobia about one's own sexual orientation or gender identity can lead to hiding and feeling the need to "prove" a heterosexual identity in order to fit in. 

This often involves concealing oneself from close family members, friends, colleagues and others. 

Internalized phobia can also lead to a pervasive fear of being outed by others or that people in their life will find out in some other way, which can create, fear, anxiety and loneliness.

Why Do Families Cut Off Their LGBTQIA Family Members?

The following are the most common reasons for cutting off an LGBTQIA family member:

• Refusal to Accept an Identity That is Different From Their Own: Many family members refuse to accept that their adult LGBTQIA children or siblings have an identity that's different from what they consider acceptable. Family members who stray from what is perceived as the family identity are often ostracized.

• Shame About How the Family is Perceived By Their Community: Shame and embarrassment about how the family will be perceived by their community is often a reason why family members cut off LGBTQIA family members. The community might include their church or house of worship, neighbors, other family members outside the immediate family work colleagues and others.

• Fear of Deviating From Family Values or Religion: In many families any deviation from what is considered the heteronormative feels like a threat to the family. This is especially true in enmeshed families where family members are expected to follow established norms and values. Family values often includes strict adherence to intolerant religious and discriminatory views.

• Insecurity About Their Own Sexual Orientation and Gender Identity: People who are insecure about their own sexual identity or gender identity often fear that if one family member isn't heterosexual, their own sexual orientation and gender might be threatened.

• Refusal to Deal With Their Own Secret Sexual Orientation and Identity: Family members who have internalized phobia about their own secret sexual orientation and gender identity might ostracize family members who have come out because they fear their own non-heterosexual identity might be discovered. By ostracizing the family member, who has come out, they hope to try to "prove" they are heterosexual and loyal to their family's values.

• Refusal to Set Boundaries With Other Phobic Family Members: Even when the immediate family accepts their LGBTQIA family member, they might not set appropriate boundaries with other family members who make phobic remarks. Even though they might not agree with these negative remarks, they are too afraid to confront the offending family members.

How to Take Care of Yourself If You Are Estranged From Your Family Due to Homophobia, Biphobia or Transphobia

Coming out to family members, especially family members who tend to be phobic, is a brave act.

Being ostracized from your family due to your sexual orientation or gender identity is an emotionally painful experience. It can exacerbate internalized phobia at a time when you might not feel grounded and safe in your identity.

Hopefully there's at least one family member who is accepting and supportive but, if there isn't, it's important to find an LGBTQIA community in your area if it exists or online.

Just finding others who identify as you do can be affirming. Even if you talk to just one person who has the same sexual orientation and gender identity as you can be helpful.

Get Emotional Support: LGBTQIA Organizations in New York City:

As of the date of this article, the following organizations can provide support for the LGBTQ population in New York City:

• LGBTQ Community Center: (212) 620-7310

• Astrea Lesbian Foundation For Justice: (212) 529-8021

• Identity House: Support Groups, Peer Counseling Therapy Referrals and Resources: (212) 243-8181

Self Care and Pride

• Callen-Lorde Community Center: (212) 271-7200

• GMHC (Gay Men's Health Crisis): (212) 367-1000

• The Audre Lorde Project (Brooklyn): (718) 596-0342

• Institute For Contemporary Psychotherapy (ICP) - Center For Gender and Sexuality: (212) 333-3444 (Affordable Psychotherapy)

• Institute For Human Identity: (212) 243-2830 (Affordable Psychotherapy)

Get Emotional Support: LGBTQIA Organizations Outside New York City

Outside of New York City, you can contact the following hotline as of the date of this article:

• LGBT National Hotline: 888-843-4564

• PFLAG: Support, Education and Advocacy For LGBTQIA People and Their Families: PFLAG Contact Information Link

Getting Help in Therapy

You are not alone.

Working with a licensed LGBTQIA affirmative mental health professional can provide you with the emotional support and tools you need to take care of yourself.

Get Help in Therapy

You might need to grieve family relationships and friends who are not supportive of your sexual orientation or gender identity before you can thrive in your life, but seeking help is the first step.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from an LGBTQIA allied psychotherapist so you can lead a more fulfilling life with pride and dignity.

My Other Articles About Family Estrangements

Estrangements Between Parents and Their Adult Children

Family Estrangements: Understanding the Barriers to Reconciliation

How Trauma Therapy Can Help to Cope With Family Estrangements

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples, including the LGBTQIA community.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.