Keeping Sex Alive in Your Relationship is a Team Effort Between You and Your Partner

In her book, Sex Talks, Sex Therapist Vanessa Marin describes sex as a team sport in a relationship--meaning that both people are responsible for their sex life.

This is similar to how Barry McCarthy describes successful sexual dynamics in a relationship in his book Rekindling Desire, which he also says is a team effort between the two people in the relationship (see my article: Keeping the Spark Alive in Your Relationship).

Keeping Sex Alive in Your Relationship is a Team Sport

In other words, it's not up to just one person to keep things going sexually.  

For instance, in a heterosexual couple it's not just up to the woman to get dressed up in a sexy night gown to seduce the man.  Similarly, it's not just up to the man to always initiate sex, which is based on the fallacy that men always want sex.  

How Do Both People in a Relationship Take Responsibility For Keeping Sex Alive

In Sex Educator Dr. Emily Nagoski's book, Come As You Are, she discusses "turning on the ons and turning off the offs."  

What Does "Turning On the Ons and Turning Off the Offs" Mean?

To put it succinctly, it means knowing your own and your partner's sexual turn-ons and turn-offs and working on reducing what turns each of you off and increasing what turns each of you on.

Dr. Nagoksi recommends starting with focusing on the turn-offs first because it's often easier for people to identify what they don't like before they can identify what they like.  

In an earlier article, I discussed the Dual Control Model of sexual brakes and accelerators (see my article: Getting to Know Your Own and Your Partner's Sexual Accelerators and Brakes).

To recap briefly: Sexual brakes are things or situations that turn you off. Conversely, sexual accelerators are things or situations that turn you on.

Common Sexual Brakes

Some of the common sexual brakes referred to in the prior article:

• Stress
• Lack of privacy
• A negative body image (see my article: Is a Negative Body Image Ruining Your Sex Life?)
• Anxiety about sexual performance (see my articles: What is Sexual Anxiety? and What is Performative Sex?)

Common Sexual Accelerators

Some common sexual accelerators referred in the prior article include:

• Establishing an emotional connection between partners
• Sexual fantasies you explore on your own
• Exploring Sexual Fantasies With Your Partner
  
• Talking about peak erotic experiences in your relationship

Focusing on eliminating or reducing sexual brakes is the place to start for most couples, as per Dr. Nagoksi.

You can't completely eliminate every stressor in your life, but you can take steps to develop healthy coping strategies to reduce your stress: 

• Doing breathing exercises, 
• Doing mindfulness meditation
• Exercising
• Walking in nature

Clinical Scenario

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases to protect confidentiality, illustrates how sex therapy can help a couple to come together as a sexual team to improve their sex life.

Bob and June

After 10 years of marriage, Bob and June sought help in sex therapy because they basically stopped having sex.  In the last 12 months leading up to sex therapy they had sex twice (a no sex couple is considered a couple who has had sex less than 10 times in the prior 12 months).

Keeping Sex Alive in Your Relationship is a Team Sport

Both of them felt sad and frustrated about their sex life, but whenever they tried to talk about it on their own, their discussion ended in an argument, so they weren't getting anywhere on their own.

Bob was the one who contacted the sex therapist because he was at his wit's end.  Initially, June was opposed to the idea of seeing a sex therapist because she felt self conscious about talking to a stranger about their sex life.

Their sex therapist normalized their experience and told them that the dynamic in their relationship wasn't unusual for a long term relationship. 

So, after a few sex therapy sessions, they both felt more comfortable talking about sex with each other in the sex therapy sessions and with their sex therapist.

When they discussed their sexual accelerators and brakes, Bob said he wasn't aware of any sexual brakes. For him, it didn't matter if he was relaxed or stressed, whether they had complete privacy (in fact, he was turned on by the possibility of being observed by neighbors if he and June didn't complete pull down the bedroom shade) and he wasn't concerned about sexual performance.

June said she couldn't get sexually turned on if she was under more stress than usual.  She also felt self conscious that she had gained 15 pounds over the last few years, so she had a negative body image that interfered with her libido.  

In addition, on those rare occasions when they had sex, she was self conscious about whether she was taking too long to have an orgasm which created anxiety for her and became an obstacle to enjoying sex.

So, like many couples, June and Bob were very different with regard to their sexual accelerators and brakes.

It also became clear to the sex therapist that Bob was the pursuer when it came to sex and June was the withdrawer.  And, in terms of their emotional relationship, June was the pursuer and Bob was the withdrawer.

According to Bob, whenever he attempted to have sex with June, he felt rejected by her. And according to June, whenever she tried to strengthen their emotional connection, she felt rejected by Bob.  

When Bob heard June talk about trying to strengthen their emotional connection, he said, "In order for me to feel an emotional connection with you, I need to have sex first."

Hearing this, June said, "But in order for me to feel sexually connected to you, I need to feel an emotional connection first."

Both of them agreed that this is where they got stuck each time, and they couldn't see a way to overcome this sexual connection/emotional connection dilemma (see my article: Whereas Women Often Need Emotional Connection to Get Sexually Turned On, Men Often Need Sex to Connect Emotionally).

(As an aside: The dynamic described above for men and women is a generalization. There are many men who need emotional connection to get sexually turned on and many women who need sex to feel emotionally connected.  For instance, in her book, Sex Talks, Vanessa Marin discusses how she needs sex to feel emotionally connected and her husband, Zander, needs emotional connection to feel sexually connected.  So, be aware there are exceptions and whichever way the dynamic goes, it's all normal.)

Since they were both emotionally and sexually disconnected from each other, Bob and June decided that their priority at the start of sex therapy was to feel more emotionally connected first, so they made this their initial goal.

Their sex therapist explained the concept of Senate Focus, which was originally developed by Masters and Johnson in the 1960s and updated by contemporary sex therapists, including Linda Weiner and Constance Avery-Clark in their book, Sensate Focus in Sex Therapy - The Illustrated Manual.

The sex therapist explained to June and Bob that the basic premise of Sensate Focus, which is also called Mindful Touching, is that a couple improve their emotional intimacy and communication through non-sexual touching.  

She advised June and Bob that they start slowly and, in order to focus on emotional connection first, that they not have sex after they practiced Sensate Focus touching--even if they felt sexually turned on.  She explained that by eliminating the expectation of sex while they were engaged in non-sexual touching, they could both relax and focus on becoming more emotionally connected without the pressure of sex.

After practicing Sensate Focus for a few weeks, Bob and June were feeling a lot closer emotionally.  They also both accepted that they were in it together when it came to improving their emotional and sexual connection, so they accepted the idea that it was a team effort between them.

As a next step, once Bob and June were feeling more emotionally connected and June was more open to connecting sexually, they focused on eliminating or reducing June's sexual brakes.  

June worked on developing a more positive body image.  Over time, she gradually learned to accept her body.  And Bob talked to June about how turned on he was by her body--regardless of the fact that she gained weight.  He said he didn't care that she gained weight at all.  He loved her regardless.

To reduce stress, Bob gave June massages to help her to relax. He also took over many of the every day chores that were on June's to do list, so she didn't feel so burdened by so many chores, which allowed her to relax even more.

After they worked on reducing the sexual brakes, they focused on both of their sexual accelerators, including discussing sexual fantasies and their peak erotic experiences from earlier in their relationship.

By then, June and Bob both felt more sexually alive and ready to have sex again on a regular basis.  Bob learned to focus more on June's sexual pleasure at first rather than focusing only his own.  

Based on what he learned in sex therapy, he focused on cunnilingus (oral sex) and fingering June's clitoris instead of relying solely on sexual intercourse. He also assured June that he was not in any hurry for her to have an orgasm, so she could relax.

June also learned not to focus so much on whether or not she had an orgasm.  As a result, without that stress, she was able to relax and she had orgasms more frequently because she didn't feel pressured.

Both Bob and June also learned to focus more on the quality of their sex rather than the quantity.  

Keeping Sex Alive in Your Relationship is a Team Sport

As they continued to work on their sex life together in sex therapy, they told their therapist that they were enjoying sex more than ever.

Conclusion

It's not unusual for couples to go through different sexual and emotional stages in their relationship, especially in long term relationships.

Developing and maintaining a fulfilling sex life is the responsibility of both people in the relationship. 

Even though the particular vignette in this article is about a heterosexual couple, the idea of sex as a team effort is for everyone regardless of age, gender or sexual orientation.

Getting to know and work on each person's sexual accelerators and brakes is an important part of rekindling sexual desire.

Sensate Focus or Mindful Touch is helpful to many couples who need to re-establish an emotional connection before they rekindle sexual desire.  

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Many individual adults and couples seek help in sex therapy for a variety of reasons to overcome obstacles in their sex life (see my articles:  What is Sex Therapy?  and  What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?)

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy where there is no physical exam, no nudity or sex during therapy sessions (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?

Sex therapists usually give homework, like practicing Sensate Focus and other exercises, for couples to work on individually or together between sex therapy sessions.

If you're having sexual problems, rather than struggling on your own, seek help in sex therapy so you can have a more fulfilling sex life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How Women Can Be More Assertive About Getting Their Sexual Needs Met

In her book, Sex Talks, Sex Therapist Vanessa Marin discusses the problems many people have talking about sex and how to overcome these difficulties (see my articles: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2).

How Women Can Be More Assertive About Sexual Needs Met

Even though many women are more assertive now about getting their sexual needs met as compared to the past, there are still many more who either don't know what they want or don't feel entitled to ask for it. They were never taught how to talk about sex--much less be able to ask for what they want sexually (see my article: Finding Your Sexual Voice).

Many people--both women and men--still feel a lot of shame and guilt when it comes to talking about sex (see my article: Exploring Your Sexual Fantasies Without Guilt or Shame).

And many people believe that if you're in a relationship with someone, you don't need to talk about sex--they think their partner should just know what they need.  Needless to say, this often doesn't work.

How to Be More Assertive About Getting Your Sexual Needs Met

If you find yourself struggling to talk about your sexual needs in your relationship, here are some tips that might work for you:

• Identify and Write Down Your Sexual Thoughts: If you can't bring yourself to talk about sex, keep an erotic journal that's just for you.  Start paying attention to your sexual thoughts--no matter how insignificant they might feel to you. And if you're not having thoughts about sex, take some time to write about pleasurable sexual experiences you have had in the past--whether they're with your current partner or not (make sure you keep this journal private).  This will help you to develop a sexual awareness before you even attempt to talk to your partner.

Keeping an Erotic Journal

• Know Your Sexual Values: If you're not sure what your sexual values are, take time to think about this and do some writing to clarify your thoughts. If you need to feel an emotional connection with someone before you have sex, you can tell your partner and if they judge you, that's important information about whether you want to engage in sex with someone who doesn't respect your values. Likewise, if you see sex as a casual recreational activity, that's also your right and your partner needs to know that. You also need to respect your partner's sexual values, which is different from just going along with something that you don't want. You can respect someone's values at the same time that you tell them that their values don't match yours.  No one needs to convince or pressure anyone into doing anything they don't want to do (see my article: Living Authentically Aligned With Your Values).

Know Your Sexual Values

• Talk to Your Partner About General Sexual Topics If You're Too Uncomfortable Talking About Yourself: If, after you write down your thoughts in your erotic journal you're still not comfortable talking about what you want, talk to your partner about about sex in general. For instance, you could suggest that you and your partner watch a TV series about sex--like the Goop series on Netflix, Sex Love & Goop--where couples work with sex coaches and other sex experts on their sexual problems. It's usually easier to talk about sex when it's about other people on a TV program instead of talking about your own sexual experiences.  Or you and your partner can listen to a good podcast about sex, like the podcast that's hosted by Sex Researcher Justin Lehmiller on the Sex and Psychology podcast (he always has great guests and the podcasts are interesting and fun). Talking about a TV series or a podcast can help you to get started without the emotional vulnerability that people often feel when they talk about themselves.  This can help you to ease your way into eventually talking about your sex life with your partner. 

• Don't Be Critical of Your Partner: It's important that when you start talking about sex that you don't start out being critical. That will only make your partner feel defensive, possibly shut down the conversation, and make it difficult to bring it up again.  This is a suggestion from Sex Therapist Vanessa Marin in her book, Sex Talks: It's better to try to find something to compliment your partner about and then make a suggestion of what else you want. Start by validating your partner instead of launching into criticism. So, for instance, you might say, "I love how you kiss my neck and I'd also like you to ________ ." You can fill in the blank based on what you want (see my article: Improve Communication in Your Relationship By Avoiding the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse).

• Know Your Sexual Boundaries and Don't Do Anything You Don't Want to Do: Women often feel they have to appease their partner by engaging in sexual acts they don't want to do. This includes women who experience pain during sexual intercourse who don't tell their partner and just grit their teeth and bear it. If you're having pain during intercourse, that's a problem and you need to address it with a sex positive gynecologist (and no, not all gynecologists are sex positive enough to understand and discuss sexual pain without being critical). Sexual pain can be caused by many different problems, so find a gynecologist who is knowledgeable and comfortable talking about it. After the gynecologist has diagnosed the problem, s/he might refer you to a physical therapist who is a pelvic floor specialist.  But being able to speak up about what you do and don't want isn't just related to pain. It could be related to engaging in a sexual act that isn't safe or anything else related to sex (see my article: What is a Healthy Sexual Relationship?).

Know Your Sexual Boundaries

• Know What Feels Safe to You and What Doesn't: For instance, if a partner you don't know well asks you to have intercourse without a condom because he doesn't want to wear one, know that you have a right to set a boundary with that person for your health and well-being. Too many women acquiesce to men about condom use and end up with a sexually transmitted infection or become pregnant (or both).  Likewise, if your partner is mostly focused on his own pleasure and not yours, you have a right to say your sexual needs count too.  Don't settle for less (see my article: What is Sexual Health?).

Know What Feels Safe to You

• Know the Difference Between Assertiveness and Aggressiveness: Women often confuse being assertive with being aggressive, especially if they're not used to looking out for their own needs--whether it's sexual needs, emotional needs or any other needs.  When you're assertive, you're expressing your needs in an open, direct way without being disrespectful to the other person. You're not being critical or condescending. 

• Make "I" Statements Instead of Accusatory Statements: Part of being assertive is speaking from your own experience.  Instead of saying, "You're trying to pressure me into doing something I don't want," say, "If you insist on having sex without a condom, I don't want to have sex because I don't want to get pregnant or get a sexually transmitted infection" (or whatever the issue is).

• Avoid Risky Situations: Being impaired by alcohol or drugs makes it difficult to use good judgment or to think clearly about what you do and don't want. Misuse of substances can also embolden someone to force you to do things you don't want sexually, so avoid putting yourself in these kinds of risky situations, especially if you don't know your partner well (see my article: Can Hookups Be Safer and More Sexually Satisfying For Women?).

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex is often difficult for people to talk about--even within long term relationships.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

If you're having a hard time talking to your partner about sex, consider seeing a licensed mental health professional who is trained as a sex therapist to work out the emotional blocks that are getting in your way (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

Many individual adults and couples seek help in sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy for individuals and couples. There are no physical exams, nudity or sex during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a skilled sex therapist so you can have a more fulfilling sex life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

Sexual Explorations: Substitute the Words "What's Your Fantasy?" With "What Are You Sexually Curious About?"

In her excellent book, Sex Talks, Sex Therapist Vanessa Marin discusses how to make sexual communication easier and less intimidating when talking about potential sexual fantasies (see my article: Exploring and Normalizing Sexual Fantasies Without Guilt or Shame).

What Are You Sexually Curious About?

According to Ms. Marin, many people become intimidated when their partner asks them about their sexual fantasies (see my article: Finding Your Sexual Voice).

I've also noticed this with individuals and couples who come to see me for sex therapy in my private practice in New York City.  

There's something about the words "sexual fantasies" that induce shame and guilt in many people. It's as if they think their partner is asking them to provide detailed full length narratives about things they want to try in bed.  As a result, they feel ashamed, their mind goes blank, and this shuts down the conversation.  

Rather than thinking of sexual fantasies as possibilities in an open ended way, they believe they should know what they like, how they like it, when they want it, and so on.  

But when people approach sex from the perspective of new possibilities, it's not necessary to know every detail because it's an open-ended exploration.

According to Ms. Marin, a better way to approach talking about fantasies is asking, "What are you sexually curious about?" because this helps to open up the conversation to sexual possibilities and it's less intimidating for many people than using the word "fantasies."

For example, being sexually curious, it's enough to just be able to say something like, "I've always been curious about trying the reverse cowgirl sexual position" (or something else) without knowing how to do it or if you'll even like it before you try it. 

Becoming curious and open sexually, as opposed thinking you have to know everything in advance, also makes sexual exploration much less shame inducing and even fun and exciting.

In addition, be aware that some people are much more aware of their sexual thoughts than others.  

Specifically, people who experience spontaneous sexual desire are more likely to be aware of their sexual fantasies. Other people who experience responsive sexual desire might not even be aware of any sexual thoughts or fantasies at all.

This is because people with spontaneous desire experience sexual desire mentally first (sexual thoughts) and then physically.  

And people with responsive sexual desire often experience no horniness until they get physical.  So, people with responsive desire experience sexual thoughts or fantasies after they after they get physical. So, for responsive desire people, physical desire precedes sexual thoughts.

This is why if you ask someone who has responsive desire to tell you about their sexual fantasies before they're physical engaged in sex, they can draw a blank.

A Clinical Vignette - Sexual Explorations: Sexual Fantasy vs Sexual Curiosity

The following clinical vignette is a composite of many different clinical cases to protect confidentiality.  This scenario illustrates the difference between asking about fantasies vs approaching fantasies from a perspective of sexual curiosity. It also illustrates the difference between spontaneous desire and responsive desire.

Sara and Jim

After five years of marriage, Sara and Jim, both in their early 40s, sought help in sex therapy because they were no longer having sex.

Sara and Jim in Sex Therapy

They told their sex therapist that in the prior year, they had sex four times with large gaps of time in between.  In sex therapy, couples who have sex less than 10 times a year are considered no sex couples.  

Both agreed they couldn't keep their hands off each other when they first met and they had sex several times a week back then.  But two years into their relationship after they moved in together, sex became dull and, as a result, they sought each other out sexually much less often.

Although both of them were concerned about their waning sex life, they hoped that, somehow, it would improve after they got married.  

But, over time, things got worse. Instead of improving, they got into a deeper sexual rut and they both admitted to their sex therapist that they didn't look forward to sex anymore because sex had become boring.  In fact, they mostly avoided sex because they didn't know what to do to improve things.

Jim said he tried to spice things up a few years before by asking Sara about her sexual fantasies.  He told the therapist that he was prepared to talk about his rich sexual fantasy life, but they reached a dead end in the conversation when Sara drew a blank.  She told Jim she wasn't aware of ever having any sexual fantasies.  

Sara told the sex therapist she remembered the day Jim asked her about her sexual fantasies and how awkward, ashamed and guilty she felt.  

She said talking about sex was always difficult for her--much more difficult than actually having sex.  So, she just didn't know how to respond when Jim asked her out of the blue about sexual fantasies. She found the whole topic humiliating because it made her feel sexually inadequate.

After a few sessions where the sex therapist assessed each of their family and sexual histories, she explained to them that Jim experienced spontaneous desire where he had frequent thoughts about sex which led to physical sexual arousal for him.  So, she said, it made sense that he would be more aware of his fantasies.

She also explained that Sara experienced responsive desire so Sara wouldn't have been as aware of her fantasies because she needed to be already engaged in sexual activity before she had sexual thoughts.

The sex therapist explained that both spontaneous and responsive desire are normal and neither one is better than the other.  It was more a matter of understanding the differences between them so they could begin to navigate their way to a better sex life (see my article: Understanding Differences in Sexual Desire in Your Relationship).

She also explained that part of the problem might be with the words "sexual fantasies," which can be intimidating to some people. In response, Sara said she did feel intimidated by those words.  So, the sex therapist suggested they approach sexual novelty with open-ended curiosity.  

As a homework assignment, the sex therapist recommended various forms of erotica (visual and auditory) and pornography, including ethical pornography, as a way to stimulate sexual curiosity and explore new sexual possibilities.

When they returned the following week, both Jim and Sara were eager to talk.  Sara said she didn't feel sexually aroused by watching porn, but she enjoyed listening to an erotic audiobook. For her, listening was better than watching, and she had never realized this before.

Sex Therapy 

Although Sara didn't feel immediately turned on, she and Jim planned a sexy romantic evening where they turned off their phones and the TV and eliminated any other distractions.  

Both of them agreed that throughout the week knowing they had a sexy romantic evening planned helped to generate sexual anticipation.

After they set a more romantic context with candlelight and music in the background, Jim gave Sara a long massage to help her to relax.  Then, she was able to talk to him about what she heard in the erotic audiobook that piqued her curiosity.  

Sara was quick to tell their sex therapist that she wasn't aware of any detailed sexual fantasies, but she was curious to try sexual role play because it sounded so hot and fun (see my article: What Are the Benefits of Sexual Role Play?).

Jim was also able to share his sexual fantasies about threesomes.  Although the fantasy was exciting for both of them, they greed they weren't ready to try this in real life yet.  

This was the beginning of Jim and Sara getting curious about what they wanted to explore in bed.   

At the suggestion of their therapist, Sara also began keeping an erotic journal to capture her thoughts about things she heard in erotica that she was curious about.  

As opposed to when Jim initially asked her about her sexual fantasies, Sara didn't feel pressured. Instead, she felt more excited and open to sexual exploration and, over time, her sexual self esteem improved.

Conclusion

When they're asked about sexual fantasies, many people feel too intimidated and pressured. They think they have to come up with full length narratives rather than just being open to talking about sexual exploration.  This is especially true for people with responsive sexual desire, who aren't aware of having sexual thoughts before they engage in sex.

A better way to approach sexual exploration for people who don't respond well to being asked about sexual fantasies is to ask them what they might be curious about.  Even if they don't know at first, there are many ways to explore possibilities through ethical porn, regular porn and other forms of erotica to stimulate ideas and desire.

There's something about the idea of getting curious that allows them to feel more comfortable because curiosity is open ended and it opens up the possibility to find out more.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

If you're having sexual problems, you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed mental health professional who is a sex therapist.

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy for individuals and couples (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

People seek help in sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article:  What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

There is no physical exam, nudity or sex in sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a skilled sex therapist so you can have a more fulfilling sex life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out. more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Can Hookups Be Safer and More Sexually Satisfying For Heterosexual Women?

In my last article, Sex Research: Heterosexual Women Often Find Hookups Less Sexually Satisfying Than Men, I discussed some of the reasons why heterosexual women often feel less sexual pleasure during hookups than men. 

In this article, I'm focusing on how these hookups can be safer and more sexually satisfying for women.

Can Hookups Be Safer and More Sexually Satisfying For Women?

Let's face it: Regardless of how you feel about hookups, they're here to stay--for adolescents, college students and people in their 20s and beyond. 

So, for the purpose of this article, it's not a matter of stopping hookups or casual sex--it's more a matter of how to make hookups better for women who want to hookup.

Before going on, I want to clarify why I'm focusing on heterosexual women in particular. 

Based on sex research, compared to gay men, bisexual men, bisexual women and lesbians, heterosexual women have the least sexually satisfying sex, even in committed relationships, and even less satisfying during hookups and casual sex (see my articles: Closing the Orgasm Gap - Part 1 and Closing the Orgasm Gap - Part 2).  

More about this in the second half of this article.

Can Hookups Be Safer For Heterosexual Women?

Let's start by focusing on personal safety.

Personal safety is an important issue for heterosexual women who are much more at risk during hookups.  

According to the Centers For Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), 1 in 5 women are sexually assaulted in the United States.  

This is an astounding number.  It means that 20% of women in the US are sexually assaulted at some point in their lifetime.  

Considering that alcohol and drugs are often a part of hooking up, you can see where safety could be an issue when both people are impaired with regard to using good judgment and practicing consensual sex (see my article: What is Sexual Consent?).

    Tips For Safer Hookups

Although any hookup can be potentially unsafe, there are steps you can take as a woman to make them safer:

• Share Your Location With Trusted Friends: Before you meet with the person you're hooking up with, share your location so, in case of an emergency, people know where you are and how to find you. You can do this through your iPhone or using Google Maps.

• Keep Friends Informed: Share the first and last name of the person you're hooking up with and one of their social media accounts, like Instagram. Also, keep your friends posted with your whereabouts if you leave the place where you originally told them you would be.

• Practice Safer Sex and Carry Your Own Condoms: You can't always rely on your sex partner to have condoms, so bring your own to protect your health and theirs as well.  If your partner refuses to use a condom, don't engage in fellatio or have intercourse.

• Know Your Partner's Sexual Health Status: Even though it's good to use condoms, condoms aren't 100% safe when it comes to sexually transmitted infections and HIV. So, it's good for both you and your partner to get tested beforehand so you know each other's sexual health status.

• Be Aware of  Your Alcohol Consumption: Be mindful of how much you drink and what you drink. Never take a drink that wasn't given to you directly by the bartender, especially if you don't know your hookup partner well, because someone could easily slip a drug into your drunk that will impair you.

• Don't Walk Home Alone Late at Night: Make sure you have friends who can walk you home from wherever you were hooking up with your partner, especially if it's late at night or you're in a remote area.  If your friends aren't available, have enough money or a credit card with you to take a taxi or car service home.

• Trust Your Instincts: If you get the feeling that something is off, don't hang around just to be polite. Trust your gut and leave without feeling guilty. This is about your personal safety.

Can Hookups Be More Sexually Satisfying For Heterosexual Women?

Now that I've discussed the safety precautions, let's focus on how hookups can be more sexually satisfying for women, which is so important considering the orgasm gap.

    Tips For More Sexually Satisfying Hookups

Since women often leave hookups without experiencing an orgasm or without even feeling sexual pleasure, here are some tips:

• Know What You Like Sexually: Whether you discover what you enjoy sexually from experiences you've had with other partners or from solo sex, get to know your body and what you like (see my articles: Sexual Self Discovery With Pleasure Mapping and Keeping an Erotic Journal).

Know What You Like Sexually and Tell Your Partner

• Tell Your Partner What You Like: You can learn to get comfortable talking about sex with a partner by practicing. The more you're able to talk about what's pleasurable to you, the easier it can get.  Don't assume your partner knows or is even concerned about your sexual satisfaction, especially if you don't know each other well. You're entitled to sexual pleasure, so don't settle for less (see my article: Finding Your Sexual Voice).

• Take the Time to Get Sexually Aroused: Whether you experience spontaneous desire or, if you're like most women, you experience responsive desire, take the time to get aroused by kissing, touching, clitoral stimulation or doing whatever it is that gets you turned on (assuming your partner consents to it) before you engage in oral sex or intercourse. Don't allow your partner to rush you if you're not ready.

• Make Sure You Use Lube: Even if you're very turned on and already wet, adding lubrication can help reduce the amount of friction that can make penetrative sex unpleasant and even painful. Remember that oil-based lubricants break down latex condoms.

• Use Sexual Fantasies to Get Yourself Turned On: Sex starts in the brain, so if you want to get turned on, think about your sexual fantasies, including your peak erotic experiences.

• Feel Free to Use a Vibrator to Have an Orgasm: Depending upon whom you're with, your partner might have an orgasm before you do. Some partners can be more sexually generous than others, but if you're with someone who is mostly focused on their own orgasm, feel free to use a vibrator to have your orgasm. There are now so many varieties to choose from, including small bullet vibrators that are so convenient that you can carry one in your pocket.

Conclusion

Hookups aren't for everyone, but they're not going away any time soon.

Since heterosexual women are more at risk than men, it makes sense to take basic precautions to ensure personal safety.

In addition, since heterosexual women tend to have less satisfying sex than men, knowing what you like and being able to tell your partner can help you to have more satisfying sex.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

If you're having a sexual problem, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is a sex therapist.

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

Individual adults and people in relationships seek help in sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

During sex therapy, there is no nudity, physical exam or sex during therapy sessions (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a skilled sex therapist so you can have a more fulfilling sex life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Sex Research: Heterosexual Women Often Find Hookups Less Sexually Satisfying Than Men

While sexual hookups can be fun and exciting, it's often a lot less sexually satisfying for heterosexual women than it is for men.

Sex Research: Women Often Find Hookups Less Satisfying

What Are Hookups?

Sex researchers have often found the definition of hookups to be elusive.

For instance, researchers at the University of Montana found so many different definitions of hookups among college students that the concept was unclear.  

They discovered the definition of hookups might be strategically unclear so that people aren't revealing too many details about their sexual encounters.

Sex Research: Women Often Find Hookups Less Satisfying

But based on their findings, the researchers came up with their own definition of hookups:  

Hookups are sexual encounters, which can involve vaginal, anal or oral sex where the two people are not in a serious or even a dating relationship. 

There are no spoken commitments and no expectations about the future--although, based on my clinical experience, this can be a problem if one or both people become emotionally attached, especially people with an anxious attachment style (see my article: How an Anxious Attachment Style Can Affect Your Sex Life - Part 1 and Part 2).

Hookups are spontaneous sexual encounters that are often fueled by alcohol. There is often no consent, no communication about sexual health and no communication about sexually transmitted infections (STIs).  

In addition, there is often no condom use during hookups, which puts both people at risk for STIs whether the sex was penetrative or oral sex (Yes! Both men and women can contract STIs from oral sex!). So, in terms of sexual health, this places both people at risk.

Sex Research Reveals That Hookups Are Unlikely to Be Satisfying For Women

According to sex research presented at the annual meeting of the International Academy of Sex Research, heterosexual women are much more likely to have an orgasm in a serious relationship with a man than during a hookup (although, in terms of orgasms, the data isn't great for heterosexual women in serious relationships, as discussed below).

Sex research performed by Kim Wallen, a professor of Endocrinology at Emory University, revealed that, despite sexual liberation, the sexual playing field isn't equal between heterosexual men and women, when it comes to sexual satisfaction during hookups.  

This research is backed up by sociologist Paula England of New York University: Women were less than half as likely to have an orgasm during intercourse or oral sex during a hookup as compared to men.  Specifically, her study revealed that only 40% of women had an orgasm during hookups.  

What is the "Orgasm Gap" Between Heterosexual Men and Women?

In general, even among heterosexual couples who are in a committed relationship, there is an orgasm discrepancy, also known as the orgasm gap or as orgasm inequality.

According to researchers from the Archives of Sexual Behavior, who assessed sex research involving 52,500 adults, 95% of heterosexual men said they had orgasms during sexual intercourse but only 65% of heterosexual women said they had orgasms.

According to Laurie Mintz of the University of Florida, who is a sex educator and a psychologist in private practice, the orgasm gap is a cultural problem--not a problem to be blamed on men or women.  

The orgasm gap has been attributed to a lack of understanding, among both heterosexual men and women, about women's anatomy, including the importance of the clitoris in terms of women's sexual satisfaction.

Why Do Heterosexual Women Often Find Hookups Less Sexually Satisfying?

One reason why heterosexual women don't find hookups as satisfying as men is that women are less likely to express their sexual needs during these sexual encounters (see my article: Finding Your Sexual Voice).

In addition, according to Sean Massey, associate professor of Women, Gender and Sexuality at Binghampton University of New York, many men might be more focused on their own sexual satisfaction during hookups and less concerned about pleasing their female partner.

Can Hookups Be Safer and Sexually Satisfying For Heterosexual Women?

According to Debby Herbenick, sex educator at the Kinsey Institute, an institute that focuses on sex research, hookups can be more fun and sexually satisfying for women.  

This will be the topic of my next article: Can Hookups Be Safer and More Sexually Satisfying For Heterosexual Women?.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy where there is no physical exam, nudity or sex during therapy sessions (see my article: What Are the Most Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?)

If you're having sexual problems as an individual or as part of a couple, you're not alone.

Many individual adults and couples seek help in sex therapy for a variety of issues (see my article: What Kind of Issues Are Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

If you're having a problem with sex, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is a sex therapist so you can have a more fulfilling sex life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.