Keeping Sex Alive in Your Relationship is a Team Effort Between You and Your Partner

In her book, Sex Talks, Sex Therapist Vanessa Marin describes sex as a team sport in a relationship--meaning that both people are responsible for their sex life.

This is similar to how Barry McCarthy describes successful sexual dynamics in a relationship in his book Rekindling Desire, which he also says is a team effort between the two people in the relationship (see my article: Keeping the Spark Alive in Your Relationship).

Keeping Sex Alive in Your Relationship is a Team Sport

In other words, it's not up to just one person to keep things going sexually.  

For instance, in a heterosexual couple it's not just up to the woman to get dressed up in a sexy night gown to seduce the man.  Similarly, it's not just up to the man to always initiate sex, which is based on the fallacy that men always want sex.  

How Do Both People in a Relationship Take Responsibility For Keeping Sex Alive

In Sex Educator Dr. Emily Nagoski's book, Come As You Are, she discusses "turning on the ons and turning off the offs."  

What Does "Turning On the Ons and Turning Off the Offs" Mean?

To put it succinctly, it means knowing your own and your partner's sexual turn-ons and turn-offs and working on reducing what turns each of you off and increasing what turns each of you on.

Dr. Nagoksi recommends starting with focusing on the turn-offs first because it's often easier for people to identify what they don't like before they can identify what they like.  

In an earlier article, I discussed the Dual Control Model of sexual brakes and accelerators (see my article: Getting to Know Your Own and Your Partner's Sexual Accelerators and Brakes).

To recap briefly: Sexual brakes are things or situations that turn you off. Conversely, sexual accelerators are things or situations that turn you on.

Common Sexual Brakes

Some of the common sexual brakes referred to in the prior article:

• Stress
• Lack of privacy
• A negative body image (see my article: Is a Negative Body Image Ruining Your Sex Life?)
• Anxiety about sexual performance (see my articles: What is Sexual Anxiety? and What is Performative Sex?)

Common Sexual Accelerators

Some common sexual accelerators referred in the prior article include:

• Establishing an emotional connection between partners
• Sexual fantasies you explore on your own
• Exploring Sexual Fantasies With Your Partner
  
• Talking about peak erotic experiences in your relationship

Focusing on eliminating or reducing sexual brakes is the place to start for most couples, as per Dr. Nagoksi.

You can't completely eliminate every stressor in your life, but you can take steps to develop healthy coping strategies to reduce your stress: 

• Doing breathing exercises, 
• Doing mindfulness meditation
• Exercising
• Walking in nature

Clinical Scenario

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases to protect confidentiality, illustrates how sex therapy can help a couple to come together as a sexual team to improve their sex life.

Bob and June

After 10 years of marriage, Bob and June sought help in sex therapy because they basically stopped having sex.  In the last 12 months leading up to sex therapy they had sex twice (a no sex couple is considered a couple who has had sex less than 10 times in the prior 12 months).

Keeping Sex Alive in Your Relationship is a Team Sport

Both of them felt sad and frustrated about their sex life, but whenever they tried to talk about it on their own, their discussion ended in an argument, so they weren't getting anywhere on their own.

Bob was the one who contacted the sex therapist because he was at his wit's end.  Initially, June was opposed to the idea of seeing a sex therapist because she felt self conscious about talking to a stranger about their sex life.

Their sex therapist normalized their experience and told them that the dynamic in their relationship wasn't unusual for a long term relationship. 

So, after a few sex therapy sessions, they both felt more comfortable talking about sex with each other in the sex therapy sessions and with their sex therapist.

When they discussed their sexual accelerators and brakes, Bob said he wasn't aware of any sexual brakes. For him, it didn't matter if he was relaxed or stressed, whether they had complete privacy (in fact, he was turned on by the possibility of being observed by neighbors if he and June didn't complete pull down the bedroom shade) and he wasn't concerned about sexual performance.

June said she couldn't get sexually turned on if she was under more stress than usual.  She also felt self conscious that she had gained 15 pounds over the last few years, so she had a negative body image that interfered with her libido.  

In addition, on those rare occasions when they had sex, she was self conscious about whether she was taking too long to have an orgasm which created anxiety for her and became an obstacle to enjoying sex.

So, like many couples, June and Bob were very different with regard to their sexual accelerators and brakes.

It also became clear to the sex therapist that Bob was the pursuer when it came to sex and June was the withdrawer.  And, in terms of their emotional relationship, June was the pursuer and Bob was the withdrawer.

According to Bob, whenever he attempted to have sex with June, he felt rejected by her. And according to June, whenever she tried to strengthen their emotional connection, she felt rejected by Bob.  

When Bob heard June talk about trying to strengthen their emotional connection, he said, "In order for me to feel an emotional connection with you, I need to have sex first."

Hearing this, June said, "But in order for me to feel sexually connected to you, I need to feel an emotional connection first."

Both of them agreed that this is where they got stuck each time, and they couldn't see a way to overcome this sexual connection/emotional connection dilemma (see my article: Whereas Women Often Need Emotional Connection to Get Sexually Turned On, Men Often Need Sex to Connect Emotionally).

(As an aside: The dynamic described above for men and women is a generalization. There are many men who need emotional connection to get sexually turned on and many women who need sex to feel emotionally connected.  For instance, in her book, Sex Talks, Vanessa Marin discusses how she needs sex to feel emotionally connected and her husband, Zander, needs emotional connection to feel sexually connected.  So, be aware there are exceptions and whichever way the dynamic goes, it's all normal.)

Since they were both emotionally and sexually disconnected from each other, Bob and June decided that their priority at the start of sex therapy was to feel more emotionally connected first, so they made this their initial goal.

Their sex therapist explained the concept of Senate Focus, which was originally developed by Masters and Johnson in the 1960s and updated by contemporary sex therapists, including Linda Weiner and Constance Avery-Clark in their book, Sensate Focus in Sex Therapy - The Illustrated Manual.

The sex therapist explained to June and Bob that the basic premise of Sensate Focus, which is also called Mindful Touching, is that a couple improve their emotional intimacy and communication through non-sexual touching.  

She advised June and Bob that they start slowly and, in order to focus on emotional connection first, that they not have sex after they practiced Sensate Focus touching--even if they felt sexually turned on.  She explained that by eliminating the expectation of sex while they were engaged in non-sexual touching, they could both relax and focus on becoming more emotionally connected without the pressure of sex.

After practicing Sensate Focus for a few weeks, Bob and June were feeling a lot closer emotionally.  They also both accepted that they were in it together when it came to improving their emotional and sexual connection, so they accepted the idea that it was a team effort between them.

As a next step, once Bob and June were feeling more emotionally connected and June was more open to connecting sexually, they focused on eliminating or reducing June's sexual brakes.  

June worked on developing a more positive body image.  Over time, she gradually learned to accept her body.  And Bob talked to June about how turned on he was by her body--regardless of the fact that she gained weight.  He said he didn't care that she gained weight at all.  He loved her regardless.

To reduce stress, Bob gave June massages to help her to relax. He also took over many of the every day chores that were on June's to do list, so she didn't feel so burdened by so many chores, which allowed her to relax even more.

After they worked on reducing the sexual brakes, they focused on both of their sexual accelerators, including discussing sexual fantasies and their peak erotic experiences from earlier in their relationship.

By then, June and Bob both felt more sexually alive and ready to have sex again on a regular basis.  Bob learned to focus more on June's sexual pleasure at first rather than focusing only his own.  

Based on what he learned in sex therapy, he focused on cunnilingus (oral sex) and fingering June's clitoris instead of relying solely on sexual intercourse. He also assured June that he was not in any hurry for her to have an orgasm, so she could relax.

June also learned not to focus so much on whether or not she had an orgasm.  As a result, without that stress, she was able to relax and she had orgasms more frequently because she didn't feel pressured.

Both Bob and June also learned to focus more on the quality of their sex rather than the quantity.  

Keeping Sex Alive in Your Relationship is a Team Sport

As they continued to work on their sex life together in sex therapy, they told their therapist that they were enjoying sex more than ever.

Conclusion

It's not unusual for couples to go through different sexual and emotional stages in their relationship, especially in long term relationships.

Developing and maintaining a fulfilling sex life is the responsibility of both people in the relationship. 

Even though the particular vignette in this article is about a heterosexual couple, the idea of sex as a team effort is for everyone regardless of age, gender or sexual orientation.

Getting to know and work on each person's sexual accelerators and brakes is an important part of rekindling sexual desire.

Sensate Focus or Mindful Touch is helpful to many couples who need to re-establish an emotional connection before they rekindle sexual desire.  

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Many individual adults and couples seek help in sex therapy for a variety of reasons to overcome obstacles in their sex life (see my articles:  What is Sex Therapy?  and  What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?)

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy where there is no physical exam, no nudity or sex during therapy sessions (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?

Sex therapists usually give homework, like practicing Sensate Focus and other exercises, for couples to work on individually or together between sex therapy sessions.

If you're having sexual problems, rather than struggling on your own, seek help in sex therapy so you can have a more fulfilling sex life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Sexual Compatibility Can Develop and Evolve Over Time

One of the most common problems that brings people into sex therapy is what they perceive as sexual incompatibility, including sexual desire discrepancy. Sexual desire discrepancy means that you and your partner aren't in synch with regard to what you each want to do sexually and/or how often you want to have sex.

Sexual Compatibility Can Develop and Evolve Over Time

As I mentioned in an earlier article, sexual desire discrepancy can occur at any time for many reasons, including but not limited to:

• Not knowing each other sexually during the early stage of a relationship
• Stress
• Hormonal issues
• Medication side effects
• Negative body image
  
• Unresolved resentment between partners
  
• Trust issues
  
• Lack of sexual experience as an individual and/or as a couple                                
• Lack of emotional intimacy and vulnerability
• Sexual boredom
  

Sexual Compatibility Doesn't Always Happen Naturally

Most people assume that sexual compatibility just happens naturally during the early stage of a relationship.  They think it's either there or it's not.  

But the reality is that sexual compatibility often doesn't always happen naturally.

I'll unpack these ideas in this article.  For now, the idea to grasp is that since sexual compatibility isn't automatic, the most important thing is a willingness to put the time and effort into communicating and working on your sex life.  

More about this later in this article (see my articles: Is a Willingness to Have Sex Enough to Get Started - Part 1 and Part 2).

The Early Stage of a Relationship: Getting to Know Each Other

When you first start seeing someone new, you're getting to know all kinds of things about them, including what they want and don't want in a relationship, their beliefs and values, what kinds of activities they enjoy and so on.  

The Early Stage of a Relationship: Getting to Know Each Other

Over time, if you enjoy each other's company and you spend time together, you'll probably  discover you both like certain things and not other things. 

For instance, you might both share a passion for hiking, but you also love going to the gym a few times a week and they don't.  Or, you both love sushi, but they also like hamburgers and you don't.  

If you both really like each other and you want to see how the relationship develops, you wouldn't automatically rule each other out because of these differences.  You would probably try to find ways to make your similarities and differences work.  

Similarly, when it comes to sexual compatibility, you might not have swinging off the chandelier sex at the beginning of a relationship because you're getting to know each other and what each of you like (see my article: What is Your Erotic Blueprint - Part 1 and Part 2).

Obviously, if one of you believes that sex is the life blood of your existence and the other finds everything about sex repugnant, things might not work out between you.  But if your views about sex are similar enough, you can work out the differences because sexual compatibility can develop and evolve over time.

For instance, a common problem that couples talk about in sex therapy relates to sexual frequency.  A lot of people assume that if you and your partner have differences in how often you want sex, this means you're sexually incompatible and the relationship is doomed.  

But it's normal and common for two people in a relationship to have differences in how often they want sex.  

You wouldn't think it was unusual if you love to go dancing two or three times a week but your partner only likes to go once a week.  If everything else about the relationship is good, you would probably find a way to compromise.  

Similarly, a shift in your attitude can make a big difference when it comes to sexual frequency.  Instead of focusing on quantity, focus on quality.  

If you like having sex 2-3 times per week, but your partner prefers once a week, you could take care of your sexual needs by pleasuring yourself because, ultimately, you're responsible for your own sexual needs (see my article: Sexual Pleasure and the Erotic Self - Part 1 and Part 2).

Spontaneous Sexual Arousal and Responsive Sexual Arousal

Another common difference between people is how easily they become sexually aroused.  Some people, including many men and some women, experience spontaneous sexual arousal. 

Other people, including many women and some men, experience responsive sexual arousal (see my article: (see my article: Spontaneous and Responsive Sexual Arousal Are Both Normal).

Spontaneous arousal is what is frequently portrayed in movies and in mainstream pornography: Two people look at each other with desire and they immediately tear each other's clothes off because they can't wait to have sex.

Even though spontaneous arousal is portrayed as being better, in real life sexual arousal isn't always spontaneous at all.  

In addition, neither spontaneous nor responsive sexual arousal is better or worse.  It's just different.  And both types of arousal are common and normal.

Depending upon the couple, to overcome a difference in how each person experiences sexual arousal, it's often a matter of the person who experiences spontaneous arousal slowing down until their partner, whose arousal is responsive, gets caught up.  

Rather than this being a chore for the person with spontaneous arousal, slowing down allows them to savor pleasure so this can be a sexual turn on if they're able to enjoy the sexual anticipation (see my article: A Cornerstone of Eroticism: Longing and Anticipation).

Getting to Know Each Other's Sexual Accelerators and Brakes

Everyone is wired differently when it comes to sex and that's normal.

Sex educator and author, Dr. Emily Nagoski, discusses the idea of sexual accelerators and brakes in her book, Come As You Are, when she writes about the Dual Control Model of human sexual response.

Getting to Know Each Other's Sexual Accelerators and Brakes

The Dual Control Model, which is a theoretical model, was originally developed by Dr. John Bancroft and Dr. Erick Janssen of the Kinsey Institute in the late 1990s.  Briefly: This model says that sexual response in individuals is a balance between sexual excitement and sexual inhibition.

To simplify the concept of the Dual Control Model and make it understandable to the general public, Dr. Nagoski refers to sexual excitement (turn-ons) as sexual accelerators and sexual inhibitors (turn-offs) as brakes, similar to an accelerator and brake in a car (see my article: Understanding Your Sexual Accelerators and Brakes).

Just like you're getting to know each other in other ways, you're also getting to know each other sexually.  And part of getting to know each other sexually is getting to know each of your turn-ons (accelerators) and your turn-offs (brakes) over time (see my article: Getting to Know Your Own and Your Partner's Sexual Accelerators and Brakes).

Some people's sexual accelerators are more sensitive than their brakes.  For those people, getting turned on is relatively easy, and their turn-offs don't usually get in the way much.  

Other people have sexual brakes (inhibitions) that are more sensitive.  In order for them to get turned on, they need to deactivate (lower) their inhibitions before they can get turned on.  

If you're someone whose sexual accelerators are more sensitive than your brakes but you're in a relationship with someone whose brakes are more sensitive, there's nothing wrong with this.  In fact, it's common and normal.  It just means that the two of you will need to find a way to make it work for both of you (I'll give an example of this below).

As you get to know each other, you'll also discover sexual differences in terms of turn-ons and turn-offs. For instance, you might enjoy sex when you're really stressed out.  Maybe stress helps you to feel energized to have sex.  Not only does it make you feel closer to your partner, but sex is what you need to relieve stress.  So, stress is a sexual accelerator for you.  

But for your partner, stress is a brake.  They can't relax enough to have sex if they're under a lot of stress.  Stress really gets in the way for them.

So, you can find a compromise.  Maybe when you feel energized by stress and you're eager to have sex, you slow down a bit to help your stressed out partner by giving them a massage to help them relax.  The physical touch can be sexually invigorating for you and calming for your partner.  Then, when your partner is relaxed enough to have sex, you can both enjoy it.

According to Dr. Nagoski, for most people to become sexually aroused, it's a matter of deactivating the brake and activating the accelerator.  

A Willingness to Have Sex and Work on the Differences is Often Enough to Improve Sexual Compatibility

As I mentioned earlier, a willingness to have sex is often enough to get people started.  

This often means that one or both people aren't necessarily turned on when they start having sex, but they know they will become turned on once they get into it.

A willingness to have sex and to be open to novelty can go a long way to improving sexual compatibility.

Clinical Vignettes: Sexual Compatibility in a Relationship Can Develop and Evolve Over Time

The following vignettes are composites of many different cases with all identifying information removed to protect confidentiality:

Tom and Gina: When Tom and Gina first met, they clicked right away.  Their first conversation started at a mutual friend's party and continued over drinks later that night.  They had a mutual attraction, and they discovered they had a lot in common in terms of their interests, family background and values.  

Two weeks later, Gina asked Tom to come over one night for drinks.  As they kissed and cuddled on the couch, she invited him to spend the night.  They had both been anticipating and looking forward to this night.  But things didn't go as smoothly as they had anticipated. 

Spontaneous vs Responsive Sexual Arousal

Whereas Tom got so turned on immediately (spontaneous arousal) that he wanted to have penetrative sex immediately, Gina wasn't ready to have intercourse right away. She told him that she needed kiss more and be caressed to get sexually turned on (responsive arousal).  

So, Tom slowed down and kissed and caressed Gina in ways that were pleasurable to both of them.  He also learned from her that she didn't enjoy penetrative sex as much if she didn't have oral sex first (see my articles: Closing the Orgasm Gap - Part 1 and Part 2). 

So, he learned. how to please Gina so they could both enjoy sex (see my article: Rethinking Foreplay as More Than Just a Prelude to Sexual Intercourse).

Alice and Jane: Jane and Alice had strong sexual chemistry from the start.  They both enjoyed sex together, but whereas Jane especially loved to have sex when she was stressed out, Alice needed to feel relaxed before she could enjoy sex.  In other words, stress was a sexual accelerator for Jane, but it was a brake for Alice.  

Getting to Know Each Other's Sexual Accelerators and Brakes

So, over time, Jane learned to slow down to help Alice to relax before they had sex.  

Over time, Jane and Alice learned how to create an environment to enhance sexual pleasure for both of them.  Jane knew that Alice liked to listen to smooth jazz to help her relax and get into the mood for sex, so she made an effort to set up the music before they went to bed.  

Alice knew that Jane liked to watch feminist pornography (also known as ethical porn) to get her turned on, so Alice had certain videos on hand that turned them both on.  They also both liked to give and get massages.  For Jane, it was sexually stimulating and for Alice, it was relaxing.  

Bruce and Ed: When Bruce and Ed first met, they were both very passionate about having sex.  They had sex frequently, including long weekends in bed.  But several months into their relationship, they weren't as passionate with one another.  Some of that new relationship energy had decreased over time and they were having less sex--although Ed usually wanted to have sex more often than Bruce (sexual desire discrepancy).  

Sexual Compatibility Can Evolve Over Time

Sometimes Bruce was willing to start having sex with Ed because he knew he would eventually get turned on (responsive arousal and a willingness to have sex).  But there were times when Bruce wanted to have sex once a week when Ed wanted to have sex 3-4 times a week.  

At first, they argued about it because Ed felt rejected whenever Bruce didn't want to have sex as frequently.  Eventually they worked out an agreement where Ed would masturbate to pornography during those times when Bruce didn't want to have sex. 

This worked out for both of them for a while, but two years into the relationship, Ed wasn't satisfied with this.  As a result, they agreed to have a consensual nonmonogamous relationship (also known as an ethical nonmonogamy).  

They worked out a detailed written agreement until they were both comfortable with it.  Essentially, their agreement indicated that they were primary partners to each other, but they could have sexual affairs with other people as long as they each knew about who they were sleeping with.  The agreement also indicated that these affairs would be strictly sexual and not emotional, and they would be short affairs.  Over time, they revised their agreement to meet each other's needs.

Conclusion

Sexual compatibility can develop and evolve over time.  

Contrary to popular opinion, sexual compatibility doesn't just happen automatically.  Sometimes the newness of the relationship brings sexual passion and excitement. 

But sometimes it takes a couple a while to get in synch with each other at the beginning of a new relationship because each person needs to get to know the other in terms of sexual arousal (spontaneous or responsive arousal) and turn-ons and turn-offs (accelerators and brakes) and find a way to compromise.

A willingness to have sex is often enough for both people to get aroused and enjoy sex.  

Sexual compatibility also changes over time.  Once the new relationship energy subsides, a couple might need to find other ways to enhance their sex life.

The most important takeaway is that a couple who experiences sexual desire discrepancy--whether it's at the beginning of their relationship or later on--can learn to work out these issues.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Many couples experience sexual desire discrepancy as an overwhelming problem, especially if this problem is longstanding and resentment has built up over time.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Working with a skilled sex therapist can help a couple to find new ways to overcome desire discrepancy so that they both enjoy a fulfilling sex life together (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples regardless of gender or sexual orientation.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Are Negative Thoughts Getting in the Way of Your Sexual Pleasure?

On a recent episode of the Sex and Psychology podcast called "Change Your Mind, Change Your Sex Life" the host, Dr. Justin Lehmiller and his guest, Dr. Kelly Casperson, a urologist, talked about how to get into the right mindset to have pleasurable sex (see my articles: Are You Distracted By Negative Thoughts About Yourself During Sex?, Keeping the Sexual Spark Alive and Women's Sexual Self Discovery).

Negative Thoughts Can Keep You From Enjoying Sex

Distractions Keep You From Enjoying Sex

According to Dr. Lehmiller, people are accustomed to multitasking more than ever--like listening to a podcast while you're driving or cleaning the house.  

Similarly, some people multitask in their mind.  But multitasking in your head while you're engaging in sex gets in the way of your being fully present in the moment sexually.  It keeps you distracted and affects your ability to be present with a partner or during solo sex (see my articles: Reconnecting With Your Inner World Without Distractions).

Negative Thoughts That Can Rob You of Sexual Pleasure

Similarly, your negative thoughts could be robbing you of sexual pleasure.

Here are some common examples of negative thoughts that get in the way of sexual pleasure:

• Having Frequent Thoughts About a Negative Body Image: If, instead of being focused on your pleasure, you're focused on negative thoughts about your body, you're not in the moment.  You're feeling bad about yourself and you might also be imagining your partner doesn't like how you look. Not only does this take you out of the present moment, it takes you into a negative mindset where you're feeling bad about yourself (see my article: Is a Negative Body Image Ruining Your Sex Life? and Are You Sabotaging Yourself With Negative Self Talk?)
• 
  

Negative Thoughts About Body Image

• Dismissing Your Own Pleasure Because You Believe Sexual Pleasure is Only For Your Partner and Not For You: Thinking of sexual pleasure as being for someone else and not for you keeps you stuck in a negative mindset before you even begin to have sex.  These thoughts can be hard to detect because they often operate just outside of your awareness.  While it's good to want to please a partner, your sexual enjoyment is also important. 

• Distracting Thoughts About Other Things You Need to Do: If you're focused on things you need to do, your mind is somewhere else instead of being focused on sexual  pleasure.  These thoughts create stress which is the opposite of being relaxed enough to enjoy sex.  The reality is that whatever time you spend enjoying sexual pleasure probably won't make that much of a difference with whatever is on your to-do list.

Negative Thoughts About Your To-Do List

• Worrying You Don't Have Time For Sex: This is related to distracting thoughts about other things you have to do.  It's a common negative thought that gets in the way for many people.  To put this in perspective, think about how much time you spend watching TV or on social media.  According to Dr. Lehmiller, sex research reveals that heterosexual couples spend 15 minutes (on average) and lesbian couples spend about 30 minutes each time they have sex, so in the scheme of things, sexual activity doesn't usually take that long (see my article: Accessing Sexual Energy).

• Worrying About Not Getting Spontaneously Turned On: Everyone is different when it comes to sexual arousal. Some people can get turned on by just thinking about sex.  Other people, including most women, experience responsive desire, which means they need more time to get turned on--it doesn't happen for them spontaneously the way sex is portrayed in the movies. Whether you respond spontaneously or you're more responsive, it's all normal (see my article: Spontaneous Sexual Arousal and Responsive Sexual Arousal Are Both Normal).

• Focusing on Sexual Performance:  This type of negative thinking is similar to worrying about not experiencing spontaneous desire.  The more you can let go of thoughts about performance and goal-oriented sex, the more you can relax and enjoy yourself.  Rather than worrying about having an orgasm, reframe the way you think about sex to focus on pleasure.  Enjoy the moment rather than focusing on a goal (see my article: What is Performative Sex?).

Focusing on Sexual Performance Instead of Pleasure

• Worrying About Sexual Frequency:  A common negative thought involves sexual frequency--having enough sex or too much sex. Comparisons to other imaginary people who are "doing it right" becomes the focus. When you compare yourself to other people, you're taking yourself out of your own sexual experience. 

Feeling Guilty and Worrying About Sex

• Feeling Guilty That Sex is "Bad" or Wrong: Whether these thoughts are coming from your family history, religion, culture or some other source, if you believe sex is wrong, you're probably going to have a hard time enjoying it.  Maybe you don't really believe this deep down anymore, but you could have old negative "tapes" going through your mind that don't allow you to enjoy sex.  These thoughts can intrude on your experience.  If they intrude to the point where they take you out of the experience, you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed mental health professional who has an expertise in this area.

The examples listed above are some of the most common negative thoughts that keep people from enjoying sex.  There are many more.

How to Overcome Negative Thoughts About Sex

The first step in making any change is usually to become aware of the problem because when the problem is outside your awareness, you can't change it. 

So, here are some suggestions about how to change a negative mindset to a more sex-positive mindset:

• Take Time Before You Engage in Sex to Focus on Sexual Pleasure: Instead of relying completely on a partner to get you turned on, focus your thoughts on sexual pleasure.  This could mean taking a few minutes to watch a sexy movie, read an erotic story or listen to music to get you in the mood.  It doesn't have to be more than a few minutes--just enough time to help you to transition from whatever you were doing before to what you're about to experience sexually (see my articles: Sexual Pleasure and the Erotic Self - Part 1 and Part 2).

• Write Down Your Thoughts About Sex: Thoughts can be fleeting.  Writing helps you to become aware of and capture your thoughts (see my article: What Are Your Core Erotic Themes?).  How do you really feel about sexual pleasure? Do you feel entitled to pleasure?  

Write Down Your Thoughts About Sex

• Write About Your Sexual Fantasies: Most people have sexual fantasies and they aren't even aware of it.  They know they have erotic thoughts, but they don't think of them as fantasies.  Writing about sexual fantasies helps you to get into a positive mindset for sexual pleasure (see my articles: Exploring Sexual Fantasies Without Guilt or Shame and The 7 Core Sexual Fantasies).

• Write About Your Most Pleasurable Sexual Experiences: If you had pleasurable sexual experiences in the past, what were those experiences?  Write about what made them pleasurable (see my articles: What is Your Erotic Blueprint? Part 1 and Part 2, Discovering Your Peak Sexual Experiences).

• Become More Sensually Aware: You can experience sensual pleasure in many ways when you engage your five senses, including what you see, hear, taste, feel (tactile), and smell:

• Taking a bubble bath to relax and get back in touch with your body
• Smoothing on your favorite lotion after you shower 
• Enjoying certain scents that increase your sensual pleasure, like perfume or incense 
• Savoring a delicious meal to increase your sensual awareness
• Listening to music that relaxes you and puts you into a sensuous or sexual mood
• Listening to an erotic audiobook
• Watching a sexy movie

Becoming Sensually Aware

• Use Affirmations to Help You to Change:  It's important to think of making this type of change as a process.  It's a journey.  It's not a one-and-done event. Taking small steps often helps more than trying to change everything at once. Affirmations can help you in the change process in terms of becoming aware of the change you want to make and actually making the change.  Dr. Casperson mentioned that it's important not to get caught up in toxic positivity where you're telling yourself you have already made the change.  Not only is this unhelpful--it's also disingenuous.  For instance, it's better to say something like, "I'm working on accepting my body" instead of "I love my body" when you're really struggling to accept your body image.

• Become Aware of Your Sexual Motivation:  Dr. Lehmiller mentioned two different types of motivation when it comes to sexual pleasure: approach motivation and avoidance motivation.  An example of approach motivation is seeking love or pleasure, and an example of avoidance motivation is having sex solely to avoid your partner becoming resentful.  Approach motivation helps you to enjoy sex.  It can also give you a dopamine hit that is pleasurable.  Avoidance motivation takes you away from pleasure (see my article: Understanding Your Sexual Motivation).

• Identify Your Sexual Accelerators and Brakes: For many people it's easier to identify the sexual brakes (e.g., worrying about unpaid bills, incomplete tasks, etc) instead of the turn-ons, which are the sexual accelerators.  If you know what turns you off, you can often just reverse it to come up with what turns you on.  For instance, if you know that being tense is a sexual turn-off, then you can think about a relaxing activity that might help you to get turned on (see my articles: Understanding Your Sexual Accelerators and Brakes - Part 1 and Part 2).

• Develop an Open and Curious Mindset:  Instead of worrying about what can go wrong during sex, get curious and anticipate what will feel good (see my article: Developing a Different Perspective By Reframing).

• Breathe as a Way to Tune into the Sexual Mind-Body Connection: Focus on your pelvis area and image you can breathe in and out through your pelvis.  Not only can this help you to relax, but it can also make you more sexually aware mentally, physically and emotionally (see my article: Learning to Relax With Square Breathing).

• Practice Mindfulness to Enhance Your Sexual Desire: Sex researcher Dr. Lori Brotto recommends practicing mindfulness as a way to enhance sexual desire (see my article: How Can Mindfulness Help With Low Sexual Desire? and Reconnecting With That Quiet Place Within Yourself).

Conclusion

Negative thoughts can come at any time--before, during and after sex.  It's a common experience for many people.  

You can overcome habitual negative thinking related to sex by taking steps to become aware of your thoughts and making an effort to change these patterns.

If you have been unable to change these patterns on your own, you could benefit from working with a licensed psychotherapist who has an expertise in sex therapy.

About Me

I am a New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex-positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Getting to Know Your Own and Your Partner's Sexual Accelerators and Brakes to Improve Your Sex Life

As I've mentioned in my previous articles, one of the best sex education resources for individuals and couples is Dr. Emily Nagoski's bestselling book, Come As You Are. 

An important topic in this book is sexual accelerators and sexual brakes (see my articles:  Understanding Your Sexual Accelerators and Your Sexual Brakes - Part 1 and Part 2).

Getting to Know Your Own and Your Partner's Sexual Accelerators and Brakes

Dr. Nagoski discusses the Dual-Control Model of human sexuality, which helps you understand how everyone is wired in terms of sexuality.  

To simplify this concept, she uses the metaphor of a car, which has an accelerator and a brake.

While some men and women are less sexually inhibited (more sensitive accelerators than brakes), others experience more inhibitions (more sensitive brakes than accelerators). 

Whether you have more sensitive accelerators or brakes, there is no right or wrong way to respond sexually--it's just different.

To become sexually aroused, it's a matter of deactivating the brake and activating the accelerator.  

But before you can do this, you need to know your own as well as your partner's sexual accelerators and brakes.  

Becoming Aware of Your Sexual Brakes (also known as Inhibitions)

If you're not aware of your own accelerators and brakes, you might need to think back to situations with your partner or when you were alone where you felt sexually inhibited and other situations where you felt sexually turned (see my article: Discovering Your Peak Erotic Experiences).

In order to allow yourself to respond sexually, deactivating the brakes is more important than activating the accelerators.  

Just like when you drive a car, you can't accelerate if your foot is on the brake.  You need to be able to release the brake first before you can accelerate.

So, in terms of accelerators and brakes, since deactivating the brakes is more important to start, let's focus first on possible brakes you and your partner might experience.

     Stress as a Sexual Brake

For example, a common sexual brake for many people is stress.  Let's say you had a very stressful day.  It's usually difficult to transition from feeling stressed to feeling open to being sexual.  You might need to relax, meditate or do some breath work to feel open and sexual.

     Lack of Privacy as a Sexual Brake

Another example is if you're in the habit of leaving your bedroom door unlocked and you're worried about your child coming into the room and finding you and your spouse having sex. It would be hard for you to relax enough to have sex with your spouse if you think your child might come into your bedroom.

     A History of Unresolved Sexual Trauma as a Sexual Brake

A history of unresolved sexual trauma can also be a brake if you get triggered, and there can be many different triggers: a certain touch by your partner, the scent of an after shave or a cologne that is the same as the person who abused you, certain sexual acts, and so on.  

Unresolved sexual trauma can get worked through in individual therapy with a trauma therapist (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).  

Couples therapy, like Emotionally Focused Therapy, can also be helpful for you and your partner to work through these issues in your relationship.

     A Negative Body Image as a Sexual Brake

Another common sexual brake, especially for women, involves body image (see my article: Sexual Wellness: Is a Negative Body Image Ruining Your Sex Life?).  

A related issue would be critical remarks from a partner ("You gained so much weight. I'm not turned on by you anymore" or "You're so flabby. How do you expect me to be turned on by you?").

     Anxiety About Sexual Performance as a Sexual Brake

Focusing on sexual performance rather than pleasure is another common issue.  For men, this might mean worrying about penis size and/or maintaining an erection, and for women, it might mean worrying about having an orgasm (see my article: What is Performative Sex?).

Working through sexual brakes can be challenging, but many individuals and couples are able to do successfully work through these issues with a skilled psychotherapist with an expertise in these issues.

Becoming Aware of Your Sexual Accelerators

Assuming your sexual brakes have been deactivated enough for you to enjoy sex, you can focus on your sexual accelerators (see my articles: What Are Your Core Erotic Themes?, What is Your Erotic Blueprint - Part 1 and Part 2).

Becoming Aware of Your Own and Your Partner's Sexual Accelerators and Brakes

     Discovering Your Sexual Turn Ons During Solo Pleasure as a Sexual Accelerator

If you're not aware of what turns you on sexually, one way to find out is through your own self exploration.  

This might involve allowing yourself to become comfortable enough to put aside any critical voices in your head, which are also sexual brakes, to engage in solo pleasure.

     Talking About Sexual Fantasies as a Sexual Accelerator

Another way to discover your sexual turn ons is for you and your partner to explore sexual fantasies (see my article: Exploring Sexual Fantasies Without Guilt or Shame).

When you and your partner are sharing your individual fantasies, be aware that you're both emotionally vulnerable so it's important not to be judgmental or critical of your partner's fantasies or your own. 

Your partner's fantasies might not be your fantasies, but if you want to have an open discussion about them, you both need to be empathetic and nonjudgmental.

By exploring, I mean that you and your partner talk about the sexual fantasies that turn each of you on.  At this point, this doesn't mean you're going to enact any of these fantasies--unless you both want to do it (see my article: The 7 Core Sexual Fantasies).

     Being Open to Sexual Exploration With Your Partner as a Sexual Accelerator

Once you each know what you both like sexually, you can be more sexually adventurous and try novel ways of having fun.  

Whether these sexual explorations work out or not, once again, it's important to be empathetic and nonjudgmental. 

Being open and playful can be helpful.  Rather than focusing on having an orgasm or other performative issues, focus on having fun and enjoying each other (as Dr. Nagoski says, "Pleasure is the measure").

Overcoming Problems With Talking to Your Partner About Sex

It's not unusual for couples--even couples who have been together for many years--to feel too uncomfortable to talk to each other about sex (see my articles: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2).

Getting to Know Your Own and Your Partner's Sexual Accelerators and Brakes

Whether these inhibitions involve guilt, shame or shyness, know that you're not alone.  

This is a common problem for many couples, especially couples living in the United States and other places where sex education is generally inadequate and many people grew up in a sex-negative environment (see my article:  What Does Sex Positive Mean?).

A skilled couples therapist can help you and your partner to overcome the communication challenges you're experiencing together.

Overcoming Problems with Sexual Desire Discrepancy in Your Relationship

As I discussed in previous articles, problems with sexual desire discrepancy are common in relationships.  

In fact, it's one of the most common problems that brings couples into couples therapy (see my articles: What is Sexual Desire Discrepancy? and Overcoming Sexual Desire Discrepancy in Your Relationship).

Whether it's a temporary issue or an ongoing problem, you and your partner might experience differences in terms of sexual libido.  

One of you might have a stronger sexual libido and want sex more often than the other, and this can become a contentious problem, especially if one or both of you feel hurt, rejected or misunderstood. The problem is often compounded if you and your partner don't know how to talk about it. 

For many couples, sexual desire discrepancy leads to the end of their relationship.  But this problem and other related sexual problems doesn't mean your relationship is doomed.  

Educate Yourself and Seek Help in Therapy If Necessary

Rather than giving up on your relationship because of sexual problems, educate yourself by reading and discussing Dr. Nagoski's book, Come As You Are, together.  

If you continue to have problems, seek help from a skilled couples therapist.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individuals and couples (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.