Working Through Past Unresolved Trauma So It No Longer Affects You in the Present

In my recent articles, Global Pandemic Causes Significant Increase in Anxiety and Depression and How to Increase Your Tolerance For Uncertainty to Reduce Your Anxiety, I began addressing the psychological impact of the pandemic and how to cope with it. 

Working Through Unresolved Trauma Doesn't Impact the Present

In the current article, I'm focusing on how to work through past unresolved trauma so it no longer affects current uncertainties and anxiety (see my article: Reacting to the Present Based on Your Traumatic Past).

Increased Stress and Anxiety About Routine Decisions

While uncertainty has always been a fact of life, the COVID-19 pandemic has significantly  increased uncertainty and anxiety for many people (see my article: Common Reactions to the Pandemic: Fear and Anxiety).

This includes making what used to be considered routine decisions--like whether or not to dine out, take public transportation, go to the gym, go to the office, visit elderly relatives, go on vacation, and so on (see my article: Coping With Pandemic Reentry Anxiety).

Due to the health risks involved, especially for people with underlying health conditions, and the uncertainty about the future of the pandemic, many people find it stressful and anxiety-inducing to tolerate this ongoing uncertainty.

The Impact of Unresolved Psychological Trauma on Tolerance for Uncertainty and Anxiety

People who have a history of unresolved psychological trauma, including post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), are especially vulnerable to increased stress and anxiety.

Although many people find it challenging to deal with pandemic-related anxiety, people with unresolved trauma are attempting to deal with the current uncertainties as well as the emotional triggers related to their past.

Clinical Vignette: How Unresolved Trauma Impacts Tolerance For Uncertainty and Anxiety

Let's take a look at a clinical vignette about the impact of unresolved trauma on current uncertainties and anxiety and how trauma therapy can help.  As always, this case is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information removed to preserve confidentiality.

Mark

People who knew Mark professionally in his role as a successful sales executive saw him as a calm, confident, agreeable individual.  

His superiors, colleagues and customers praised his work.  But underneath his seemingly calm and confident exterior, Mark was often plagued with doubts and insecurities most people didn't see.  

Although he appeared outwardly confident, inwardly he often felt like an impostor, and he feared others would see just how insecure he felt much of the time.  

To try to alleviate his anxiety, Mark confided in his wife, Pam, and his closest friends. And most of the time he felt relieved for a while.  But by March 2020, when his office closed due to the COVID-19 pandemic without any certainty it would reopen, no amount of reassurance from his loved ones helped Mark to feel better.  

He felt so overwhelmed by anxiety that he had difficulty sleeping at night.  And when he finally fell asleep, he often had pandemic-related nightmares (see my article: How to Conquer Your Nightmares).

Even daily activities, like grocery shopping, household chores or paying bills, felt emotionally fraught for him.

Although Mark and Pam both had successful careers and substantial savings, he worried relentlessly that they could be wiped out financially and lose their home.  Usually Pam could help Mark to calm down, but that changed at the start of the pandemic.  

No matter what she said to reassure him that they had the financial resources to get through whatever came, Pam was unable to get through to Mark.  She had never seen him like this before during their 10 year marriage and she was concerned.

Pam was aware that Mark had overcome a childhood filled with adversity to become financially successful.  But she also knew this same history often left Mark feeling emotionally vulnerable at times--never more so than at the start of the pandemic.

Realizing Mark's childhood history of emotional neglect and upheaval was getting stirred up for him and making his life unmanageable, Pam suggested he seek help from a psychotherapist who was a trauma specialist (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

During the history taking phase of therapy, his therapist learned from Mark that he grew up as an only child in a chaotic home environment where his parents could barely cope most of the time.  

Since they couldn't cope, his parents were unable to help Mark cope with anxiety.  They also had their own unresolved childhood trauma that was affecting them in the present circumstances (see my article: Intergenerational Trauma).

As a result, as a child, Mark had to try to cope as best he could on his own.  Not only was Mark unable to depend on his parents for emotional support, but he was often in the role of trying to calm his distraught mother when the father disappeared for weeks during one of his unpredictable alcohol binges (see my article: Children's Roles in Dysfunctional Families).

Although Mark did the best he could in his parentified role of being emotionally supportive to his mother, his efforts came at a high emotional cost to himself.  This included stress-related headaches as well as debilitating anxiety which none of the adults in his family or at his school seemed to recognize.

By the time he was a teenager, Mark was often in the role of pleading with the landlord not to evict them for rent arrears because his father was often out of work and his mother was too distraught to deal with the family finances.

Uncertainty and anxiety was a part of Mark's everyday life as a child until he was able to get away to college.  By then, his father had sobered up, the family finances were stable, and his mother was coping better with the relative calm in the household.  But the history of adversity had taken its toll on Mark so that he frequently felt insecure and anxious throughout his life.

As his therapist listened to Mark's history, she could see how this traumatic history was getting triggered in his current life circumstances, so she provided Mark with psychoeducation about it (see my article: When Past Trauma Affects You in the Present).

But his therapist was also aware that insight alone wouldn't be enough to resolve his problems. So, she spoke to him about how experiential therapy could help him to overcome the impact of his unresolved trauma so he could cope with his current circumstances.

Specifically, she talked to him about the effectiveness of a form of trauma therapy called EMDR therapy.  

EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (see my article: Experiential Therapy, Like EMDR, Helps to Achieve Emotional Breakthroughs).

As part of preparing to do EMDR therapy, Mark's therapist helped him to develop internal resources and coping strategies (see my articles: Overcoming Trauma With Somatic Experiencing and Using the Somatic Experiencing Technique of Pendulation to Calm Yourself).

These internal resources and coping strategies helped Mark to cope with his uncertainties and anxiety between his therapy sessions.  Although they didn't resolve his problems, they helped him to get by on a day to day basis so that his anxiety no longer spiraled out of control.

Over time, Mark worked on his unresolved childhood trauma so that the uncertainty of the present no longer triggered his past.  

The work was neither quick nor easy, but he made progress (see my article: Working Through Trauma: Separating the Past From the Present).

Like most other people, Mark still had pandemic-related concerns, but he was able to deal with them in a calm, objective way.  In addition, he had a realistic perspective about his current situation.  

Even though he had concerns about his current job, he felt sure he would find another job even in a worst case scenario.  

Trauma From the Past No Longer Gets Triggered in the Present

Whereas before he had insomnia and nightmares, after he worked through his childhood trauma, his sleep was restful and he no longer had nightmares.  And getting proper sleep helped him to stay calm.

Several months later, when Mark was called back to work a few days a week, he adjusted to this new change and looked forward to seeing his colleagues.  

In addition to coping better with pandemic-related uncertainties, Mark no longer felt like an imposter.  He felt genuinely confident in himself. 

Conclusion

Unresolved psychological trauma often gets triggered in the present by current stressors.  It can take its toll emotionally and physically.  

Experiential therapy, like EMDR, helps you to work through unresolved trauma from the past so it no longer affects you in the present (see my article: Why Experiential Therapy is More Effective Than Just Talk Therapy)

This allows you to deal with current uncertainties without the emotional triggers from the past because you're free from your history.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples, and I have helped many clients to overcome unresolved trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How to Increase Your Tolerance for Uncertainty to Reduce Your Anxiety

As I discussed in a prior article, Global Pandemic Causes Significant Increase in Anxiety and Depression, anxiety fueled by uncertainty is now the biggest mental health problem in the United States and around the world according to the findings of the World Health Organization (WHO). 

Increasing Your Tolerance For Uncertainty to Reduce Anxiety

But even before the pandemic, other types of uncertainty contributed to anxiety for many people.  So, the focus of this article is on how to increase your tolerance for uncertainty so you can reduce your anxiety (see my article: Coping With Uncertainty).

Increasing Your Tolerance for Uncertainty to Reduce Anxiety

What's the Difference Between Fear and Anxiety?

In a prior article, What's the Difference Between Fear and Anxiety?, I made this distinction: 

Whereas fear is a response to a known threat, anxiety is a vague feeling of apprehension about an anticipated unknown threat (see my article: Self Help Tips For Coping With Anxiety).

What's the Difference Between Coping with Fear vs Coping with Anxiety?

When you're struggling with a specific fear, you can deal with your fear directly because it's known.  

For instance, if you have a fear of public speaking, you can deal with it directly by taking a class to help you become more comfortable with speaking in public. 

But the vagueness of anxiety makes it more challenging.

Tips to Increase Your Tolerance For Uncertainty and Reduce Anxiety

Although it's not easy, here are some tips to increase your tolerance for uncertainty that fuels anxiety:

• Accept That You're Anxious: Rather than trying to deny your anxiety, start by acknowledging and accepting it.  Acceptance doesn't mean you like it or that you're being passive about it.  It's more about accepting that you have a problem as a starting point.  The more you try to deny and suppress it, the worse the problem will become.  It's better to admit it and have compassion for yourself.  Also, when you acknowledge and accept your anxiety, you're in a better position to do something about it (see my article: Awareness and Acceptance: Being Willing to See Things You've Been in Denial About).

• Educate Yourself About Anxiety: Knowing that anxiety is currently the most common mental health problem can be comforting by letting you know you're not alone.  

• Learn to Be Flexible With Change: When you're inflexible, you're more likely to feel stuck and unable to cope. But, in general, when you learn to approach change with a degree of flexibility, you're more likely to come up with ways to deal with change and feel better about yourself.  Over time, you'll be able to look back on times where you dealt with change and feel more confident about your current situation.  

• Learn to Distinguish Between What's Possible vs What's Probable: Being able to step back to ask yourself whether your apprehension is possible vs probable is a useful way to get a better perspective.  To the extent you can make this distinction, you can reduce your anxiety about something that isn't probable.  You can also remember prior times when you were needlessly anxious about something that was improbable and compare that situation to the current one.

• Get Information: If you're anxious, get information. For instance, if you're anxious about the possibility of losing your job (even though there are no known reasons for you to be anxious about it), you can seek information about other job opportunities in your field.  Just taking this step can get you out of an endless cycle of paralyzing anxiety by helping you to realize that there are other possibilities for you if the need should arise.  This can help you feel more empowered.

My Next Article

In my next article, I'll discuss how a history of unresolved psychological trauma can act as a trigger to increase your anxiety when you're dealing with uncertainty:

Working Through Past Unresolved Trauma So It No Longer Affects You in the Present

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many people to overcome problems with anxiety (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?)

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Coping With Emotional Distress By Using the Somatic Experiencing Technique of Pendulation to Calm Yourself

In my prior article, Global Pandemic Causes Significant Increase in Anxiety and Depression, according to the findings of the World Health Organization (WHO), there has been a 25% increase in pandemic-related anxiety and depression.  

WHO also indicates that this increase in anxiety and depression is probably just the tip of the iceberg.  

Given these circumstances, individuals who are struggling emotionally need a way to cope with these emotions, and one way to cope is using pendulation.

Using Pendulation to Cope With Emotional Distress

What is Pendulation and How Can It Help You to Cope With Emotional Distress?

Pendulation is a concept which is part of Somatic Experiencing (SE) (see my article: Mind-Body Oriented Therapy: Somatic Experiencing).

SE is a mind-body oriented therapy, developed by Dr. Peter Levine, which helps individuals to heal from trauma.

Pendulation is a useful technique to help individuals to cope with distressing emotions--like the pandemic-related emotions described in my previous article or any other type of distressing emotion, including emotions related to psychological trauma.

Similar to the pendulum on a clock, pendulation involves a shifting back and forth of emotions or body sensations.

Pendulation is Similar to the Movement of a Pendulum on a Clock

Specifically, you start by identifying the distressful emotion or bodily sensation you're experiencing and locate it in your body.  

After you notice the distressful emotion/sensation and where it's located in your body, you find a neutral or calm point in your body and you shift your awareness back and forth (or pendulate) between the distressful and calm experiences.

An Example of Pendulation

For instance, if you identified sadness as the distressful emotion and you locate the sadness as being in your throat where you feel a constriction (a welling up of tears), you sense into other parts of your body to find a calm or neutral point.  

Let's say you detect a sense of calmness in your chest.  You stay with that sense of calmness for a moment to give yourself a chance to experience it.

Then, move back to the sadness in your throat and stay with that for a moment before you go back to the calmness in your chest. 

As you keep going back and forth between the sadness and the calmness, you are pendulating between the two emotions.

As you continue to pendulate back and forth, notice what how the sadness changes.  There is usually a shift due to the integration of the two emotions.

If you have difficulty finding a calm or neutral place within yourself, you can find an external resource, like looking at a glass of water or looking out the window at a tree, and so on.

What If You're Unable to Identify the Distressful Emotion?

There are many individuals with a history of trauma who have difficulty identifying emotions, especially distressful ones.  

They might know they're struggling with a difficult emotion, but they don't know if it's anger, sadness or any other emotion.

If this sounds familiar to you, you can still use pendulation even if you can't identify the emotion.  

For instance, you might know you have a sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach, but you don't associate any particular emotion with that sensation.

Even without knowing the distressful emotion, you can still locate an area in your body where you don't feel that sinking feeling--where you feel neutral or calm.  Then, you can shift your awareness back and forth between those two areas.

If you're working with an SE therapist, over time, you can learn to identify your emotions.  This takes practice. 

Even before you learn to identify specific emotions, you can use pendulation as a self help technique between therapy sessions to calm yourself.

How Does Pendulation Facilitate Emotional Healing?

According to Dr. Levine, pendulation is a natural process that facilitates emotional healing within the nervous system.

As previously mentioned, the shifting back and forth allows for an integration of these emotions, which facilitates healing.  

Pendulation Facilitates Emotional Healing

Whereas before you might have felt stuck in your distress, after you learn pendulation, you feel more emotionally resourced.  

Over time, as you sense the integration of emotions, you gain confidence that you can cope with uncomfortable emotions and you won't get stuck in a distressed state.  

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

As a trauma therapist, I work with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Global Pandemic Causes Significant Increase in Anxiety and Depression

According to the World Health Organization (WHO) there has been a 25% global increase in anxiety and depression due to the COVID-19 pandemic, and they believe this is just the tip of the iceberg (see my article: The Emotional and Physical Impact of the Global Pandemic).

Pandemic Causes Increase in Anxiety and Depression

What Has Contributed to the Pandemic-Related Increase in Depression and Anxiety?

According to WHO, some of the contributing factors include the following:

• Social isolation
• Constraints in work life
• Constraints in being able to seek emotional support from loved ones and community
• Loneliness
• Fear of getting the virus
• Getting sick due to the virus, including long-term health issues
• Worrying about underlying conditions that increase vulnerability to serious illness 
• Pre-existing mental health issues
• Inability to access health care/shortage of care
• Inability to access mental health care/shortage of care
• Grief due to loss of loved ones who succumbed to the virus
• Financial worries
• Uncertainty/fear that conditions will never improve
• A sense of foreboding, helplessness or powerlessness

Health care workers and others who have been on the frontlines have been hit especially hard, which has triggered suicidal thoughts for some of them (see my article: Helping the Helpers Overcome Burnout).

In addition, according to WHO, women and children have been impacted more than men.

NAMI Advocacy For Increased Access to Mental Health Care

The National Alliance For Mental Illness (NAMI) has been advocating for increased access to mental health care.

Pandemic Causes Increase in Anxiety and Depression

In addition to their advocacy for increased access to mental health care, NAMI also offers an array of education and free support for those in need.

NAMI also has a Helpline and provides a telephone number for those in need: 

(800) 950-NAMI (6264)

Suicide Prevention Hotline: 988 Lifeline

See My Next Article: Coping With Emotional Distress By Using the Somatic Experiencing Technique of Pendulation to Calm Yourself

Getting Help in Therapy

Anxiety and depression can be mentally and physically debilitating.

If you or someone you love is struggling with anxiety or depression, help is available.

You can access help from your insurance carrier or if you don't have insurance, you can contact the NAMI Helpline (see link above).

In New York City, some of the postgraduate psychotherapy training institutes also offer low-fee or sliding scale therapy, including:

Institute For Contemporary Psychotherapy (ICP)

National Institute For Psychotherapies (NIP)

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?)

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

Keeping the Spark Alive in Your Relationship

In recent years, researchers have discovered that the initial phase of a new romantic relationship is characterized by new relationship energy (NRE).  NRE refers to that intense passion you experience at the beginning of a romantic relationship, which can be exhilarating and fun (see my article: The 5 Stages of Love From Attraction to Commitment).

Keeping the Spark Alive in Your Relationship

NRE occurs during the so-called "honeymoon phase," which typically lasts up to 2-3 years or so.  

This is the phase when you spend a lot of time thinking about and yearning for that person, and when you see each other, you can't keep your hands off each other.

The Brain and New Relationship Energy 

Dr. Nan J. Wise, cognitive neuroscientist, licensed psychotherapist and certified sex therapist, explores NRE in her book, Why Sex Matters.  

According to Dr. Wise, NRE includes high levels of dopamine flooding the brain.  

Keeping the Spark Alive in Your Relationship

Dopamine plays a major role in movement, motivation, perception of reality and the ability to experience love and pleasure. 

High levels of dopamine can make you feel giddy and euphoric when you're around your partner.  

In addition, you usually experience high levels of oxytocin, often referred to as the "cuddle hormone," and vasopressin, which makes you feel emotionally and psychologically attached to your partner.

So, it's no wonder NRE makes this phase of the relationship so intense.

Tips For Keeping the Spark Alive in a Long Term Relationship

As previously mentioned, NRE eventually diminishes.

The chemicals in the brain settle down and, if your relationship endures past this phase, your feelings for each other often mature into a deeper kind of love.

Keeping the Spark Alive in Your Relationship

While it's normal for NRE to wane after a while, many couples want to know how to keep the romantic and sexual spark alive in their relationship.

Here are some tips:

• Keep Joy Alive: The ability to experience joy together is important, especially for a long term relationship that will, inevitably, go through ups and downs.  The ability to laugh together is important to maintaining the vitality in your relationship.  In addition, finding new and novel ways to be with each other can also keep the joy alive.  This could include you and your partner being more playful with each other and exploring new fantasies.

• Engage in Open Communication: Being able to give and receive feedback openly is important to keeping the spark alive.  This means being open to hearing feedback which might not always be positive without getting defensive as well as your ability to talk openly and tactfully with your partner about how you feel about all aspects of your relationship, including sex (see my articles: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2).

• Show Your Love and Affection: Rather than holding back, nurture your relationship, show your love for your partner by being physically affectionate, allowing yourself to show you're happy to reconnect with them when you've been apart, being emotionally and sexually generous in ways that are pleasing to both of you, making loving eye contact with your partner, establishing relationship goals, being aware of your peak erotic experiences as a couple, and finding other ways that are meaningful to both of you (see my articles: What Are the 5 Love Languages? and What If You and Your Partner Have Different Love Languages?).

• Be Open to New Experiences: Whether this means exploring new interests, ideas or places or finding new and exciting ways to be sexual, being open to new experiences helps to keep the spark alive in your relationship (see my article: Being Open to New Experiences).

• Be Your Own Person: Rather than merging together, find that balance between being your own person and being part of your relationship.  Maintain your own identity and interests as well as those you share with your partner.  Learn to compromise about time together and time apart.  Not only will being your own person allow you each to grow as individuals, but you'll both have something unique to bring to your relationship.  

• Be Generous: It's easy to take one another for granted, especially in a long term relationship, so it's important to show your appreciation and to be kind and emotionally generous.  Instead of keeping score, pick your battles and know when to overlook certain things that aren't important in the long run.  Know your partner's love maps and talk about your own.

Getting Help in Therapy

Everyone needs help at some point.  

If you have been unable to resolve your problems on your own, you could benefit from working with a licensed psychotherapist.

A skilled therapist can help you to develop the tools and skills you need to live a more fulfilling life.

So rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has the expertise and experience to help you.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Embracing Your Internal Contradictions and Paradoxes

In prior articles, I've discussed how people are complex with many different internal aspects, including contradictory and paradoxical aspects (see my articles: Understanding the Different Aspects of Yourself That Make You Who You Are).  

Embracing Your Internal Contradictions and Paradoxes

Why Is It So Hard to Accept Contradictions and Paradoxes?

The idea of contradictory and paradoxical internal aspects is unsettling for many people.   I'm hoping this article, which is the first part of this subject, will help to normalize these concepts.

On the one hand, life might seem easier when everything remains the same.  Similarly, if things are going well from their perspective, people often prefer their loved ones to remain the same.  It makes it easier for them to know what to expect.  

On the other hand, whether we like it or not, people do change.  This includes making positive changes in psychotherapy that can be challenging for their loved ones (see my article: Your Family Might Not Be Supportive of the Positive Changes You're Making in Your Life as You Heal From Trauma).

We All Contain a Multiplicity of Selves

We all contain within us a multiplicity of selves. Some of those parts are in sync and others are contradictory.

Audre Lorde, who described herself as black, lesbian, mother, warrior and poet, once said, 

 "Only by learning to live in harmony with your contradictions can you keep it all afloat."

In “Song of Myself," Walt Whitman, essayist, poet and journalist, wrote, “Do I contradict myself?/Very well, then I contradict myself (I am large, I contain multitudes)."

Duality and Contradictions in Mythology

Mythology has many examples of duality and contradictions.

The ancient Greek myth of Demeter and Persephone is one example:  Demeter, who is the goddess of the harvest, provides bountiful crops so that the Greeks had plenty of food to eat.  She is also the goddess who oversees the cycle of life and fertility.  

But when her daughter, Persephone is abducted by the god of the Underworld, Hades, Demeter is so bereft that she becomes the goddess of hunger and starvation as she wanders the Earth searching for Persephone and, in doing so, neglecting the crops.

Eventually, Zeus, who the chief deity of the Greek pantheon and Demeter's father, intervenes. 

He knows people can't make sacrifices to the gods if they don't have food to eat. So, he reaches a compromise with Hades and Demeter so that Persephone spends most of the year on Earth with Demeter and part of the year with Hades.  According to this myth, this is why we have different seasons, including spring and winter.

Similarly, in Hindu mythology, the goddess Kali has the power to destroy and to create.  Even though she appears in many stories about destruction, Kali is also the goddess of creation.  

The myth about Kali recognizes there can be no creation without destruction.  It is a cycle.  Accordingly, she is a powerful goddess, who is believed to have existed before time and who will continue to exist after time ends.

What is the Difference Between a Paradox and a Contradiction?

In contemporary times, aside from the complexities of being human, life is filled with contradictions and paradoxes.  

This can be confusing at times, but understanding and accepting these concepts can also make life richer.

Although people often use these two words interchangeably, they have different meanings.

Most people know the meaning of a contradiction.  A contradiction involves conflicting elements within the same system.  

An example of a contradiction can be seen in a job search process where a person can't get a job without job experience, but they can't get experience without a job.

A paradox is more complex.  It's something that is seemingly contradictory but, upon deeper investigation, you discover the truth in it.  

I gave an example of a paradox in my article Anxiety as an Emotional Aphrodisiac where anxiety is usually thought of as inhibiting sexual desire, but for many people, it serves as an aphrodisiac which increases desire.

Other Examples of Paradoxes:

• People need both stability and change to grow.
• A couple often needs some distance in order to feel closer to each other.
• To earn money you need to spend money.
• Sometimes you have to take a step back to move forward.
• No decision becomes a decision.

Embracing Contradictions and Paradoxes

In my article, Do You Want to Change? Start By Accepting Yourself as You Are, I introduced a paradox.  

The article goes on to look closer at the concept of self acceptance and what it means in the context of wanting to change.  

Starting with acceptance allows you to acknowledge how you are at that point in time.  It doesn't mean you're complacent or that you've given up on changing.  

When you want to change, starting with acceptance is a part of the process.

If you don't start by accepting yourself as you are, including your contradictions and paradoxes, you're more likely to have a negative attitude about yourself which can sabotage any efforts you make to change.

Getting Help in Therapy

Self compassion and acceptance can be challenging for many people.

If you are struggling with accepting your contradictions, you're not alone.  

A skilled psychotherapist, who has the expertise to help clients to achieve self acceptance as part of a larger change process can help you to live a more meaningful and fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to achieve self acceptance while they are on the path of transformation.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Trauma and the Fawn Response: A Clinical Vignette

In my prior article, Trauma and the Fawn Response: People Pleasing to Avoid or Diffuse Conflict, I began a discussion about fawning and how it's a response to trauma.  

As I mentioned in that article, generally, people are more familiar with the three other trauma responses: fight, flight and freeze, but not as much with the fawn response.

Trauma and the Fawn Response

The current article will expand upon this topic by giving a clinical vignette that illustrates a typical example of the fawn response and how experiential therapy, like EMDR therapy, can help a client to overcome this traumatic response.

But first, let's recap by giving examples of the fawning response:

Signs of Fawning Behavior:

The following behaviors are some of the most common signs of fawning behavior:

• Having problems being assertive and saying no
• Being overly compliant on a regular basis to avoid or diffuse conflict
• Having trouble setting boundaries
• Being overly apologetic
• Sacrificing your own needs to prioritize the needs of others
• Denying emotional and/or physical needs on a regular basis
• Compromising your values to align yourself with others
• Feeling guilty when you feel angry towards others because you don't feel entitled to your feelings
• Trying to "fix" or rescue others from their problems
• Attempting to control others or their choices so you can feel emotionally safe
• Gushing with praise or being overly complimentary toward someone--even when it's not how you actually feel--in order to appease someone
• Holding back feelings or opinions on a regular basis in order not to make others feel uncomfortable
• Changing your response or opinions to comply or be in synch with others
• Going out of your way to people-please to avoid or diffuse conflict
• Assuming responsibility for others' discomfort when it's not your fault
• Flying under the radar (making yourself small) to avoid getting attention
• Experiencing chronic pain or illness due to the stress of the trauma response
• Spacing out or dissociating when you feel uncomfortable in a social situation

Clinical Vignette: Fawning as a Trauma Response

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information removed, provides an example of fawning as a trauma response and how EMDR therapy helped:

Jane

After her closest friend, Dee, confronted Jane about her fawning behavior, Jane sought help in therapy to work on this issue.

Jane, who was in her early 30s, told her therapist that Dee expressed concern about Jane's people pleasing behavior.  Dee said she sensed that Jane tended to have problems being assertive and setting boundaries in her personal life as well at work.  

She also pointed out to Jane that she had a tendency to put the needs of other people before her own which led to Jane sacrificing what she really wanted.  

In addition, Dee told Jane that she was often overly complimentary towards people they both knew and Dee was aware that Jane really didn't feel this way.  Dee indicated that Jane was gushing in an overly complimentary way, which came across as disingenuous and confused and annoyed people.

Jane told her therapist that it was hurtful to hear Dee say these things, but when she thought about it, she realized Dee was right.  But she didn't know why she responded to people with fawning behavior or how to stop it.

When Jane spoke to her therapist about her family history, she described her father as being overly critical with an explosive temper and her mother as being overly compliant with the father's wishes.  

Her only sibling, who was an older sister, moved out as soon as she turned 18 because she had a conflictual relationship with their father and she was frustrated with her mother's passive, compliant behavior.

Although her father had never become physically violent, Jane was afraid of his explosive temper and, similar to her mother, she learned to go along with whatever her father wanted rather than assert her needs--even when she was old enough to make her own decisions.

Jane also realized that her people pleasing behavior extended to other family members as well as friends, colleagues and romantic partners.

As she continued to discuss this issue in her therapy sessions, Jane realized that, not only was her fawning annoying people, it also had consequences for her because she often felt disconnected from her emotions during those times.

Her therapist provided Jane with psychoeducation as to how fawning was related to unresolved trauma.  

In addition, the more they talked about it, the clearer it became to Jane that her childhood fear of her father's explosive temper was an unresolved trauma for her.

After Jane's therapist provided Jane with information about EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) therapy and how it helped clients to overcome trauma, they agreed to use EMDR as the treatment modality (see my article: Experiential Therapy, Like EMDR, Helps Achieve Emotional Breakthroughs).

As Jane processed her traumatic memories about her father's temper and how her fawning behavior developed as a response to that trauma, she felt an emotional and psychological shift occurring within her over time.

The therapeutic work was neither quick nor easy, but Jane gradually felt she was freed from her history of trauma and her defensive need to fawn over others.  This allowed Jane to assert of her own needs and to be more authentic in her relationships.

Conclusion

The fawn response is a common response to trauma.  

Most of the time, fawning, which is used to avoid or diffuse potential confrontations, is an unconscious behavior, and when clients work on this issue in therapy, they become more aware of it (see my article: Making the Unconscious Conscious).

This behavior is often misunderstood by others.  They might sense that something is "off" or disingenuous, but they might not understand why.

Experiential therapy, like EMDR, allows clients to work through the underlying issues related to the trauma (see my article: Why Experiential Therapy is More Effective Than Talk Therapy to Overcome Trauma).

Getting Help in Therapy

Unresolved trauma often takes a toll on your self esteem and your relationships.

Seeking help with a licensed mental health professional who has an expertise in helping clients to overcome trauma can help free you from your traumatic history so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples, and I have helped many clients to overcome trauma (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.