The Powerful Impact of Kindness During Difficult Times

I'll never forget that day.  I hadn't seen my friend, Mary*, in many years and I was feeling awkward and a little uneasy as I waited for her to come to the restaurant where we agreed to meet for lunch in the old neighborhood (see my article: Coping with Loneliness and Social Isolation)..

The Powerful Impact of Kindness

Throughout childhood and adolescence, we had been inseparable. People in our neighborhood would tease us by saying we were the "Bobsey Twins" because wherever you saw one of us, the other was either right there next to her or not far behind.

We often talked about wanting to move out of our neighborhood in Brooklyn, which felt like a small, claustrophobic town in many ways.  But when we graduated high school and I was ready to leave, like a few of my friends who said they would move away the day after graduation, Mary wasn't ready to move away and she remained behind with her family.

We maintained contact for a while, but our lives changed in ways we couldn't have anticipated.  I was busy with a full time job and part time college classes at night.  And Mary met the man who eventually became her husband and she focused on her relationship with him.  I had also made new friends in the women's residence where I was living in the West Village and I was spending more time with them.

Over time, Mary and I gradually lost touch. Whenever she ran into my mother in the old neighborhood, Mary asked about me and wanted to know what was going on in my life, and I was eager for whatever news my mother could provide to me about Mary.  But, for some reason, we didn't pick up the phone anymore to speak to each other directly.

Then, one day, when I was in my early 20s and visiting my mother in her kitchen, she told me that she had some bad news about Mary.  I braced myself for bad news about a health problem or news about problems in Mary's marriage.  But what my mother told me shocked me beyond belief--Mary was incarcerated for stealing money from her employer.

I remember feeling completely stunned, as if time had stopped and I was caught in a moment of suspended animation.  This didn't sound at all like the Mary that I knew. When I could finally speak, all I could stammer was, "Why? How? What happened?"

My mother told me what she knew, which wasn't a lot. She had run into Mary's Aunt Rose in the grocery store and she confided in my mother.  I knew Aunt Rose well, and I could imagine how upset she must have been.  As I was thinking about this, my mother handed me an address where Mary could receive mail, and she told me that Aunt Rose said Mary would like to hear from me.

I looked at that piece of paper with the address for several days feeling helpless and useless. I wasn't sure what I could say to Mary, after so much time had passed, that would make any difference to her.

I composed several drafts of letters and crumpled each one after a few sentences because my words felt so inadequate to the situation.

The letter that I finally sent to Mary was similar to the drafts I had crumpled up, and it felt woefully inadequate.  But I knew she wanted to hear from me, and I didn't want to disappoint her, so I sent it.

Time passed.  I heard nothing from Mary, and whenever I thought about the letter I sent to her, I felt embarrassed and awkward.  I wanted to say just the right words to let her know how sorry I was that we had lost touch and how I was thinking about her, but I felt like I had failed, especially since I didn't hear a word from her in so long.

Then, one day I got a call from Mary after she had been released from prison.  It was a brief call and she sounded just as awkward as I was feeling.  We agreed to meet for lunch at a restaurant in the old neighborhood that we used to go to when we were teens.

When Mary arrived, she looked thinner than I remembered her, but when she smiled that unmistakable crooked smile, I felt a little more at ease.  After a few minutes of small talk, she told me why she embezzled the money from her employer.

It started in a small way when she needed money, she explained, and then, because it was so easy, she started taking more and more money.  Little did she know that her employer was capturing her on video, and by the time they confronted her, they had all the evidence they needed to send her to prison. She couldn't afford an attorney, so she accepted the court-appointed attorney and he encouraged her to plead guilty, which led to her incarceration.

All the while that Mary was telling me her story, she was looking away.  Then, she turned to me and told me, "But I want to tell you what really made a difference while I was incarcerated--that letter you sent me.  You helped me to remember that I was much more than my current circumstances and you encouraged me to be hopeful.  And whenever I felt myself feeling hopeless, I reread your letter and I felt better.  I'm sorry I never wrote back but, after all these years, I wanted to let you know and to thank you because your letter kept me going."

As I listened to her words, I was stunned.  At that point, I barely remembered what I wrote, but here she was telling me that the letter I thought was so inadequate and insignificant had actually had a powerful impact on Mary that I never could've anticipated.

She went onto say that she still had the letter, and whenever she felt down, she reread it and it brought back memories of our childhood friendship, all we had meant to each other and a renewed sense of hope.

I wish I could say that Mary and I resumed a close friendship, but that didn't happen.  Although we had a long history together when we were young children and teens, we both had changed a lot and we had little in common anymore, other than our history.  But I was grateful that she told me about the impact that my letter had on her and that she continued to find it a source of hope and inspiration.

In my own life, friends' acts of kindness have meant so much to me.

I remember when my mother died several years ago, I was missing my friend, Alice*, who had moved out of state several months before.  At that point, we had been close friends for over 20 years, and I missed her terribly as I lived through my mother's final days in hospice.

On the morning of my mother's funeral Mass, Alice drove five hours to be with me.  When I saw her outside the church, I hugged her and felt enveloped in her love and friendship.  I had been dreading that day, but now with Alice sitting next to me in the church pew, I felt my grief, although heavy, was bearable.

To this day, whenever I think of my mother's passing, those memories are inextricably linked to being with Alice and feeling loved and supported by her.  I still miss my mother, but whenever I think of her passing, I also remember the warmth of Alice's arm around my shoulders and how she radiated love and compassion on that day.

I also remember that Alice knew my mother at a time when my mother was vibrant and robust, and we still talk about those times and reminsce.  We can still laugh at things my mother used to say and do, and it feels like a healing balm to be able to go back in time and remember those happier times.

The Powerful Impact of Kindness During Difficult Times
Like me, you might think that a small gesture of kindness feels so inadequate during difficult times.  But, like me, you probably would discover that what you thought was inadequate meant so much to someone going through a difficult time.  It can be the thing that gets them through.

It can feel corny and unsophisticated to talk about random acts of kindness, but I don't think it's corny at all to be able to reach out to someone in kindness. It's not about doing it perfectly or having the exact right words or even making a grand gesture.  It's more about your intention and how it touches the other person.

So during times when you feel yourself struggling about how or what to do or say, don't focus on feelings of awkwardness or inadequacy.  Instead, trust that most people will understand that you're trying to make a difference in their life--however small your act of kindness might be. In all likelihood, they will understand your intention and be touched by it.

I heard recently that suicidality is on the rise as people feel increasingly lonely and isolated.  So, it's more important than ever, in a world where people are often unkind to one another, to try to find ways to extend kindness to people you know and, maybe, even to people you don't know.

Random Acts of Kindness
Random acts of kindness can include:

• Expressing gratitude to a friend or loved one (see my article: The Importance of Expressing Gratitude to Your Spouse or Partner).
• Calling a friend or family member to check in on how they're doing during a difficult time.  Let them know you're thinking of them by reaching out.
• Telling your local grocery store clerk or stockperson how much you appreciate him or her being there during the COVID-19 health crisis.
• Asking an elderly, sick or disabled neighbor if you can pick up grocery for them.
• Sending a friend or loved one a funny cartoon or words of inspiration.
• Reminding a loved one that the crisis will eventually pass.
• Meditating or praying with a friend on a video chat or phone call.
• Making amends, where it's appropriate to do so, with a loved one.
• Checking in with a loved one who has a history of depression, anxiety or substance abuse to find out how they're doing.
• Helping a friend by reminding them that they have gone through other difficult times and they will get through the current stressful time.
• Helping a friend to find therapy when your friend might be feeling too overwhelmed to do it on his or her own.

We all need to overcome our feelings of awkwardness and embarassment during times of crisis to reach out to others.

Sometimes we're more focused on appearing intelligent and witty, but that's not necessary to have an impact on someone's life.  Even a kind word or expression of gratitude on someone's Facebook page can make a difference when that person realizes that they're in your thoughts.

Like me, you might not find out about the impact of your kindness until many years later or ever.  But opening your heart to someone, even with a small gesture, can make all the difference for that other person.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you or someone you know is feeling overwhelmed, getting help from a licensed psychotherapist can make all the difference.

We can all benefit from acts of kindness, but there are times when the clinical expertise of an experienced therapist is also what is needed and can make all the difference.

Psychotherapy can be a life changing process. It can make the difference between allowing despair to become overwhelming and unmanageable and feeling supported and resilient.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

During this time of social distancing, based on licensing laws, I can provide phone sessions and online sessions for adults in New York State.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.


*Names and all identifying information have been changed to protect the identify of people mentioned in this article.

Resilience: Accepting Your Negative Emotions During a Crisis

During times of crisis, it's common for people to experience negative emotions (see my article: Overcoming Your Fear of Negative Emotions, Allowing Yoursel fto Feel Your Feelings So You Can Heal and Developing a More Resilient Self in Therapy).

Resilience: Accepting Your Negative Emotions Duirng a Crisis

These negative emotions include:

• Anxiety
• Fear
• Panic 
• Sadness
• Depression
• Grief
• Self doubt  
• Anger
• A sense of foreboding about the future
• Confusion
• And other negative emotions

Although it's not pleasant to experience these emotions, acknowledging and accepting these emotions is an important step to working through them and getting to the other side to develop a more resilient self (see my article: Changing Maladaptive Coping Strategies That No Longer Work For You: Avoidance).

When you resist feeling your negative emotions, these emotions intensify and become stronger.  They also have a way of surfacing in other ways that you might be unaware of, including:

• Headaches
• Muscle aches
• Back problems
• Gastrointestinal problems
• Insomnia
• Diabetes
• Obesity
• Heart problems
• Asthma
• Premature aging
• Other stress-related health problems

How to Cope With Negative Emotions

• Rather than trying to avoid feeling your negative emotions, acknowledge them.  
• Recognize that your emotions aren't facts and that they might be fleeting, especially if you don't try to ignore them.
• Recognize that everyone has negative emotions at some point.  Don't judge yourself for your emotions.  
• Rather than struggling against your negative emotions, accept your emotions as being an experience that you're having at the moment.
• Write down your emotions in a journal so that these emotions don't overwhelm you (see my article: Journal Writing Can Help to Relieve Stress and Anxiety).
• If you find you can't manage your negative emotions on your own, seek help from a licensed psychotherapist who can help you to work through your feelings (see my article: Therapy Can Help You to Stop Avoiding Negative Emotions).

Resilience: Accepting Your Negative Emotions During an Emotional Crisis
The following vignette illustrates the benefit of accepting and acknowledging negative emotions:

Tom
After his wife, Carol, told him that she was unhappy in their marriage and she might want a divorce, Tom tried to persuade Carol to try to work through their issues.  He tried to reason with her that they had invested 10 years into their marriage and their divorce would be devastating for their two young children.

Although he knew they had been having problems, especially when he had to work long hours at his job and Carol felt unsupported at home, Tom assumed that he and Carol would eventually work things out.  But she expressed doubt about working out their issues.

Initially, he was shocked.  He felt like he was living through a nightmare and he would wake up at any moment from this bad dream.

After a week, he felt an overwhelming sense of anxiety and sadness.  So, he tried to distract himself by getting more involved in his work.  He spent even more time in his office than usual, which only annoyed Carol even more.

But late at night, he had problems falling asleep.  In the morning, he was exhausted and he developed digestive problems.  He also developed headaches that were so debilitating that he had to stay home from work, which left him a lot of time to think about his marital problems.

When Tom could no longer tolerate his health problems, he saw his medical doctor, who ruled out any physical problems.  He suggested that Tom seek help in therapy to deal with the stress and anxiety related to his problems with Carol.

At first, Tom told his medical doctor that he didn't want to "dwell" on his problems--he wanted to distract himself from them.

But his medical doctor, who was knowledgeable about the mind-body connection, told Tom that he was having all of these physical symptoms precisely because he was trying to avoid feeling them, and the only way for Tom to get a handle on his emotions was to work through them in therapy, "Your mind and your body are connected.  When you try to suppress feeling your emotions, they're going to come out in some other way--including getting you physically sick."

So, somewhat reluctantly, Tom sought help in therapy.  Even though it was painful to talk about his anxiety and sadness about his marriage, he realized that he also felt better after his therapy sessions.

Tom felt a positive connection with his therapist.  He also felt emotionally supported by her so that he no longer felt alone and that he had to carry these feelings by himself.  She suggested that he keep a journal to write down his feelings between therapy sessions, which he found helpful.

Shotly after he began therapy, Tom realized that he worked long hours on his job to avoid Carol and how inadequate he felt as a husband and a father. He also realized that he no longer wanted to distract himself with work.  He preferred to deal with his emotions as they came up and talk to his therapist about them in their sessions.

So, Tom stopped volunteering to do extra projects at work and spent more time at home.  Since he was home more, he spent more time with his children and helping Carol around the house, which she appreciated.  This resulted in their getting along better, and Tom realized that he could be a good husband and father.

Tom realized that Carol was no longer talking to him about the possibility of getting a divorce, so he asked her if she would like to go out for dinner at her favorite restaurant.  To his surprise, she accepted his invitation and they had a good time--something they had not experienced together in several years.

Soon after that, Carol suggested that she take the children to her mother's house for the weekend so she and Tom could spend quiet time together.  It was the first time in a long time that they were sexually intimate and enjoyed being together.

Throughout this period, Tom continued to go to his individual therapy sessions, and he was starting to feel hopeful again.  Whenever anxiety, sadness or self doubt surfaced for him, he followed his therapist's recommendation to acknowledge his feelings, accept them and to recognize that they were just feelings and "feelings aren't facts."

Tom also continued to write in his journal between therapy sessions and felt a sense of relief each time that he poured his feelings out in writing.

At his therapist's suggestion, he spoke to Carol about attending couples therapy to work through issues that still remained, including Carol's concern that Tom's workaholism would become a problem again.  To his surprise, Carol agreed to give it a try.

Tom's therapist recommended an Emotionally Focused Couples therapist to work through their issues, and within a few weeks, they were making progress (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples?).

Although Tom regretted that he had wasted so much time trying to avoid his negative emotions, he was also relieved that he had learned to accept them.  He felt himself becoming more resilient to deal with his marital problems as well as other problems that came up in his family.

Attending Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples (EFT) gave Tom and Carol the necessary tools to work through their problems and, over time, it strengthened their relationship.

During his individual therapy sessions, Tom began to feel much more hopeful that his marriage with Carol would work out.

Resilience: Accepting Your Negative Emotions Duirng a Crisis

Tom's increased sense of hopefulness and resilience created an upward spiral for him as an individual as well as in his relationship with Carol.

Conclusion
Even though this article focused on relationship issues, the strategies recommended in this article can apply to any situation where you feel inundated by negative emotions and you're tempted to try to avoid them (see my article: Resilience: Bouncing Back From Life's Ups and Downs).

Getting Help in Therapy
We all need help sometimes.

If you're negative emotions are overwhelming you, you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed therapist, who can help you to develop the necessary tools to deal with your emotions and become more resilient to cope with your problems.

Rather than suffering on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional in your area.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples (EFT couples therapy).

During the current health crisis, phone sessions or online therapy sessions are available for clients in New York State.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Coping with Loneliness and Isolation During the COVID-19 Crisis

In the past, I have written about loneliness and social isolation (see my article: Overcoming Loneliness and Social Isolation).

Coping with Loneliness and Isolation During the COVID-19 Crisis

During the COVID-19 crisis, one of the biggest challenges, along with staying physically health is social distancing and isolating in our homesd, which often creates loneliness.

As social beings, we need social engagement with other people, but it is very important that we limit our social contact based on the restrictions in our particular state (see my articles: Coping and Staying Calm During the COVID-19 Crisis).

The Negative Impact of Loneliness and Social Isolation
Loneliness and social isolation, even under normal circumstances, can have adverse health and mental health effects, including:

• Memory problems
• Learning problems
• Poor decision making
• Altered brain function
• Depression
• Increased stress
• Insomnia
• Weight gain due to sedentary behavior
• Cardiovascular disease and stroke
• Progression of dementia
• Alcoholism, drug problems, increased nicotine abuse, compulsive gambling, overeating and other related addictive and compulsive behavior (see my articles: )
• Antisocial behavior
• And other related issues

Even before the current health crisis, loneliness was already a health and mental health problem for people who are isolated, including the elderly and the disabled.  According to recent studies, loneliness has tripled since 1985.

So, given the negatiave effects of loneliness, we need to find other creative ways to stay in contact with loved ones if they're not present in our household.

Combating Loneliness
Even though social distancing during this time presents a unique challenge to feeling lonely and isolated, there are things you can do to mitigate the effects of loneliness (see my article: Solitude vs Loneliness), including:

• Video Chats: The next best thing to being with loved ones in person is video chat.  There are many free apps, like Zoom, Skype, What's App and other similar services where you can video chat with loved ones.  All of these services offer a free version of video chat.  Being able to see a loved ones face while you speak with them can be soothing and reassuring for both of you.  You can choose to set up a regular time when you can video chat with loved ones to check in and mitigate loneliness and isolation.
• Phone Calls: If video chat isn't available to you or if you don't like chatting online, simple phone calls to talk for a few minutes can really help you and your love to feel more connected.  Reaching out to a friend or family member that you haven't spoken to in a while can be reassuring to them and to you.
• Digital Support Groups: If you're connected to a community where the participants have a mutual interest, you can maintain contact with them online to feel supported and engaged through digital support groups.
• Expressions of Kindness and Concern: When you're on someone's social media site, whether it's Facebook or any other social media platform, it only takes a moment to reach out to that person with a kind remark, an expression of appreciation or an inquiry as to how that person is doing.  It feels good to do this and it also feels good for the person on the other hand who receives your kind expression. 

Getting Help in Therapy
Loneliness and social isolation can contribute to or exacerbate existing emotional problems, including depression and anxiety.

If you're feeling overwhelmed, many psychotherapists are conducting online sessions for clients, and you could benefit from getting professional help rather than allowing your emotional problems to get worse.

If you're feel suicidal, you should call 911 to get immediate help.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individuals and couples (Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples).

Currently, I am doing therapy with phone sessions and Zoom online video sessions for clients in New York State.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Coping and Staying Calm During the COVID-19 Crisis

The worldwide pandemic of COVID-19 has been unprecendented in terms of the human health toll it has had as well as the emotional strain it has placed on nearly everyone.  Learning to cope and stay calm during this extraordinary time is essential.

Coping and Staying Calm During the COVID-19 Crisis

Aside from the reliable health tips that are being recommended by medical professionals, here are some helpful tips for coping and staying calm.

Tips For Coping and Staying Calm During the Current Crisis:

• Set Up a Routine for Yourself During this Health Emergency: As much as possible, try to set up a daily routine for yourself.  It's easy to fall into the habit of staying in bed all day in your pajamas watching the news or other TV programs.  Rather than falling into habits that will only make you feel more anxious, have a routine for waking up, doing indoor exercise that is appropriate for you, and accomplishing tasks that you need to complete.
• Take Breaks From Watching or Reading the News: While it's important to remain informed, you will only make yourself that much more anxious if you spend most of the day watching or reading about the news.  Take regular breaks. Get up, stretch, call a friend or engage in an unrelated calming activity.
• Connect With Others: It's easy to feel isolated and lonely when you're unable to see friends, family and other loved ones in person.  Make an effort to connect over the phone or online with loved ones.  Even connecting a few minutes for mutual support can make a big difference in how you feel.  Check in regularly with your loved ones.  Even those who are physically well can feel lonely (see my article: Solitude vs Feeling Lonely).

Connect With Friends, Family and Loved Ones

• Take Time to Unwind and De-Stress:  Whether you do a simple breathing exercise or close your eyes and remember a time and place where you felt relaxed, taking the time to unwind and manage your stress is important (see my article: Self Soothing Techniques to Use to Calm Yourself).
• Get Enough Sleep and Eat Nutriously: Getting 7-8 hours sleep, taking naps during the day as needed, and eating nutritious meals is important for maintaining good health.  To get a restful sleep, avoid watching or reading the news before you go to sleep.  Instead, develop a calming wind down routine at least a half hour before you plan to go to sleep.
• Keep Things in Perspective: Recognize that this crisis will inevitably come to an end at some point.  

Getting Help in Therapy
Many psychotherapists are doing phone and online sessions for clients during this time when they cannot see clients in person.

If you find your anxiety becoming unmanageable, you can seek help from a psychotherapist in your area--even if it's on a temporary basis to get you through this difficult time.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individuals and couples.

Since the COVID-19 crisis, I have been providing telephone and online sessions for clients who live in New York State.

Some sliding scale or reduced fees are available for new clients based on availability at the time you contact me, your household income and whether you will receive a reimbursement from out of network insurance.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How Trauma Affects Intimate Relationships

Emotional trauma can affect intimate relationships in ways that might be confusing or difficult to understand for both the trauma survivor as well as the partner or spouse of the survivor.

See my articles: 

Overcoming Trauma With Experiential Therapy

Overcoming a History of Childhood Trauma That Impacts Adult Relationships

Before and After Psychological Trauma, How Past Psychological Trauma Lives on in the Present

Untreated Trauma is a Serious Issue With Negative Consequences

How Trauma Affects Intimate Relationships

How Trauma Affects Intimate Relationships

A person with a history of trauma can have one or more of the following symptoms:

• A lack of interest or a decrease in physical and/or emotional intimacy
• Emotional numbing and withdrawal
• Ambivalence about the relationship
• Difficulty trusting others, including loved ones
• Feelings of helplessness and hopelessness
• Anxiety
• Depression
• Self doubt
• Compulsive behavior, including an eating disorder, substance dependency, compulsive gambling, sexual acting out, etc.
• A decrease of interest or avoidance of social situations
• An increase in arguments and problems finding resolutions to problems
• An inability to talk about problems
• Nightmares and/or problem sleep

Getting Help in Therapy or Couples Therapy

If you or your partner have been traumatized, it's important to understand that it's not about "being weak" or a matter of "snapping out of it."

These symptoms don't go away on their own.  They require help from a licensed mental health professional who specializes in trauma.

A trauma therapist can help the traumatized individual work through trauma, whether it's a one-time event or developmental trauma which occurred in childhood.

Without help, the traumatized individual can continue to spiral down, which might can lead to the demise of the relationship due to the trauma-related symptoms.

In addition, traumatized individuals often tend to unintentionally pass on their traumatic symptoms to their children.

There are effective forms of trauma therapy, including EMDR therapy and Somatic Experiencing which can help individuals to overcome trauma so they can lead more fulfilling lives as individuals and in their relationship.

    See my articles: 

What is EMDR Therapy?

Somatic Experiencing: Allow Yourself to Feel Your Sadness

Getting help in a timely manner can make the difference between saving or ending your relationship.  

About Me

I am a licensed NYC trauma psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and Emotionally Focused therapist who works with individuals and couples (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Therapy).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during regular business hours or email me.

Dating: Why Do Some People Prefer to Text on Dating Apps Instead of Meeting in Person?

I've written several articles about dating and the early stages of being in a relationship (see my articles: Dating: Is It Time to Have "the Talk"?, Dating Again in Your 40s, 50s, 60s and Beyond, Are You and Your Boyfriend on the Same Wavelength About Your Relationship?

Dating: Why Do Some People Prefer to Text on Dating Apps Instead of Meeting in Person?

In this article, I'm focusing on one of the biggest complaints I hear about dating apps, which is that there are many people who would rather just text endlessly than meet in person.  They might come across as pleasant and personable in their text messages, but when the subject of meeting comes up, they end of ghosting whoever they've contacting via text.

Among the people who are averse to meeting in person, both men and women seem to do it, and this becomes frustrating for people who actually want to meet in person and eventually get into a relationship.

Why Do Some People Prefer to Text on Dating Apps Instead of Meeting in Person?
Let's take a look at some of the possibilities as to why there are certain people only want to text:

• They're Married or in a Committed Relationship: It will come as no surprise that many people are on dating apps, like Tinder or Bumble, are actually married or in a relationship, which they don't reveal.  They like to fantasize about meeting someone online, but they won't actually do anything about it because they want to remain in their relationship.  So, they will string potential dates along with endless texting and eventually ghost them.
• They Just Want the Attention:  Some people are flattered that they can get so many people to "like" them on a dating app, but they're not interested in actually meeting in person.  Texting endlessly is enough for them. This is another example of people who like to string others along.
• They're in an On-Again/Off-Again Relationship:  Similar to being married or in a committed relationship, the person who's in an on-again/off-again relationship uses the dating app when there are problems in the relationship knowing full well that they're going to be back in the relationship again.  It makes them feel good to know that there are other potential dates out there should their actually relationship end, but they have no intention of meeting in person for the time being.
• They Can't Tolerate More Than a "Texting Relationship:" On their profile, they say they want to be in a relationship but, in reality, being in a real relationship is more than they can tolerate emotionally, so they engage in endless texting because they like the attention and the feeling that they're connecting with someone that "likes" them enough to text back.
• They're Ambivalent About Actually Meeting Someone: As opposed to people who know from the outset that they have no intention of meeting anyone in person, the person who is ambivalent about dating can't make up his or her mind about whether they want to actually meet someone or not.  They give mixed messages in their texts or calls and, often, ultimately decide that they're not ready to meet and disappear.
• They're Afraid to Meet People in Person: Similar to the people who are ambivalent, the people who are fearful of meeting in person--even in a public place--feel comfortable texting, but meeting in person is too much for them to handle.  So, when the other person tries to get them to make a plan, they disappear.
• They're Scammers: Unfortunately, are a fair amount of scammers on dating apps.  They often steal other people's pictures (often models or actors) and set up a fake profile.  They will lavish a lot of attention on you with texts, but they always seem to have a "reason" why they can't meet in person.  Usually these people come on strong and like to say that the two of you are already in a relationship--even though you haven't even met yet. Some people fall prey to this manipulation because they're lonely and an online "relationship" is better than no relationship to them.  Eventually, if you continue to engage with these scammers, they will try to manipulate you into giving them money ("My mother needs a medical procedure, but we don't have the money.  Can you wire me the money and I'll pay you back?").  Unsuspecting people have been bilked out of thousands of dollars this way.  Even after these scams are reported to the dating app, the scammers are hard to track down.  They close out their accounts and set up another fake account.

How to Deal With People Who Only Want to Text on Dating Apps

• After a few texts and a phone call or two, if the person is unwilling to make a plan to meet in person, you might be dealing with someone who only wants to text.
• It might seem like they're paying a lot of attention to you if they're texting you 10 times a day and asking you about the minutea of your day ("Did you sleep well?" and "How is your day going?"), but they're actually wasting your time.
• If you can't get someone to make a plan to meet in person after a week or two, wish them well and move on.  There are plenty of people who actually want to meet and eventually get into a relationship without you wasting time on people who only want to text.
• Whatever you do, don't send money to people who pretend that they're in a relationship with you even though you've never met in person.
• If you do get into a situation where the other person texts you and eventually ghosts you, as frustrating and disheartening as this might be, don't take it personally.  After all, they don't know you, so it's not you that they're rejecting.  Whatever is going on with them is about them.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

The Power of Storytelling

Storytelling has become a popular activity at many venues in New York City as well as around the world. Not only is it popular, it's also a powerful form of communication since ancient times, and there are many psychological benefits to telling and listening to stories.

The Power of Storytelling

The Psychological Benefits of Storytelling

• We are hardwired for storytelling.  We tend to think in terms of stories, and it's how we make meaning of our lives. 

• Listening to a story engages the imagination, and the brain processes the images and emotional experiences related to the story in the same way as it processes "real life" lived experiences.

• Whether the stories are about ancient myths, archetypes, relationships, overcoming adversity, or personal transformation, to name only a few storytelling topics, storytelling has a psychologically integrative function for the individual telling the story as well as for the listener.  

• Storytelling engages on an emotional level in a collaborative way as the storyteller makes him/herself emotionally vulnerable by telling a personally meaningful story. As the audience listens to the story, they often open up in an empathetic way to the storyteller and the story. 

• In developing and narrating the story, the storyteller discovers psychological connections from the past to the present and from one part of the self to other aspects of the self. 

• Storytelling helps to connect us in universal ways as the listener identifies with the storyteller and discovers aspects of him/herself in the story.  A personally meaningful story often transcends the boundaries of race, gender, age and other identities that often divide people.

• From an early age, most people are raised on stories. Young children love stories and they will often ask to hear the same story over and over again because it's soothing. Adults also find stories to be emotionally engaging.  There is also something soothing about anticipating and experiencing the structure of a story with a beginning, middle and an end. The audience anticipates that there will be an arc to the story with a resolution at the end, which is so comforting and satisfying to the mind.

Storytelling and the Moth

The Moth, a nonprofit group based in New York City, was founded in 1997 and it's dedicated to the art and craft of storytelling.  Currently, the Moth hosts storytelling events all over the United States and the world.  

The poet and novelist, George Dawes Green, and the original Moth storytellers wanted to recreate the atmosphere of telling and listening to stories on the porch where moths buzzed around in the evening light.  They began by calling themselves "the moths" and the organization has grown substantially from its origins more than 20 years ago.

In 2009, the Moth began a popular and critically acclaimed podcast and established a national public radio show. 

Since its inception, thousands of people have told their personal stories at the Moth all over the world.

There is an energetic flow between the storytellers and the audience, and this, in itself, is transformative for both the storyteller and the audience.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

*Disclaimer: I am not on the faculty of the Magnet and I receive no compensation or benefit of any kind from them for mentioning them in this article.